How to develop a positive worldview
September 18, 2014 1:18 PM Subscribe
I had a really lousy childhood, and it left me with the belief that the world is basically cruel and threatening and that people are just looking for excuses to judge you and put you down. I really envy the kind of people who feel like the world is good to them, that they are lucky, that people generally like them, and that things will turn out for the best. I'd like to shift my mindset, but how? Do you have any good techniques or reading suggestions that will help me develop a more positive worldview?
Obviously I'm in therapy. But while CBT has really helped me deal with specific, negative thoughts, I still really struggle with this overall negative outlook. This is despite the fact that things in my life are objectively pretty good right now and I'm happy most of the time. And while I'm open to the idea that the world isn't basically a terrible place and that life isn't just a chain of miseries punctuated by fleeting moments of happiness, I'd like some evidence or some specific changes to make that can help convince me.
I've tried a gratitude journal, but it felt kind of... smarmy? I don't know. I honestly felt really embarrassed by the whole thing. Has anyone else struggled with this, or found a way to make it resonate more? Other suggestions?
Obviously I'm in therapy. But while CBT has really helped me deal with specific, negative thoughts, I still really struggle with this overall negative outlook. This is despite the fact that things in my life are objectively pretty good right now and I'm happy most of the time. And while I'm open to the idea that the world isn't basically a terrible place and that life isn't just a chain of miseries punctuated by fleeting moments of happiness, I'd like some evidence or some specific changes to make that can help convince me.
I've tried a gratitude journal, but it felt kind of... smarmy? I don't know. I honestly felt really embarrassed by the whole thing. Has anyone else struggled with this, or found a way to make it resonate more? Other suggestions?
Best answer: I think I've experienced something similar, though it sounds like to a lesser extent. I didn't have a bad childhood, but as I left my teenage years behind I did find myself feeling that humans in general were disappointing (both in the micro, interpersonal sense, and at the macro level, when you think about large-scale issues like rape, genocide, homophobia, etc.) and that the world was frustrating.
I still think those things are true, but I also think that people are often misunderstood, that their intentions are often good - even when their actions are awful, and that the world is full of great things that counter the lousy things. (On a good day, of course - I will never be one of those ever-patient sunshine-y people.)
Most of this came through reading philosophy. I can point to some favorites if you're interested, but the big thing for me was exposing myself to a variety of ways of thinking, which showed me just how diverse our perspectives and responses and lives are. It was a big wake up call for me. Forcing myself to read and do "feel good" things didn't help me, but exposure to the fact that everyone is just trying to make a life in their own way and for their own reasons, and that their actions aren't about or at me - that helped a lot.
That said, by many people's standards I'm still very much a grumpy asshole, so grain of salt and all that.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 1:28 PM on September 18, 2014 [8 favorites]
I still think those things are true, but I also think that people are often misunderstood, that their intentions are often good - even when their actions are awful, and that the world is full of great things that counter the lousy things. (On a good day, of course - I will never be one of those ever-patient sunshine-y people.)
Most of this came through reading philosophy. I can point to some favorites if you're interested, but the big thing for me was exposing myself to a variety of ways of thinking, which showed me just how diverse our perspectives and responses and lives are. It was a big wake up call for me. Forcing myself to read and do "feel good" things didn't help me, but exposure to the fact that everyone is just trying to make a life in their own way and for their own reasons, and that their actions aren't about or at me - that helped a lot.
That said, by many people's standards I'm still very much a grumpy asshole, so grain of salt and all that.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 1:28 PM on September 18, 2014 [8 favorites]
Best answer: Stop reading and watching the daily news, if you do. If there's some particular aspect of world events or politics you want to keep up with, feel free, but don't just turn on the nightly news or buy a newspaper or pull up the front page of the Times unless you're looking for information on a particular event. My life got significantly brighter when I excised the unrelenting torrent of horror that is the news from my life and just kept up on things that interested me. I'll admit I'm less informed than some of my peers, but I know for a fact I'm also less cynical and pessimistic. And, honestly, knowing what atrocities are happening half a world away is information I can do nothing more with than feel bad about the world, and the people in it. Cultivating knowledge is an important aspect to life, but there's something to be said about the therapeutic value of very, very careful cultivation of ignorance toward certain matters, especially ones over which you have no power.
Also I take medication and if I do not take my medication, I fall right back into everything is pointless and awful. Not sure if you're in that boat, but if you think you might be, talk to your therapist about it.
posted by griphus at 1:28 PM on September 18, 2014 [6 favorites]
Also I take medication and if I do not take my medication, I fall right back into everything is pointless and awful. Not sure if you're in that boat, but if you think you might be, talk to your therapist about it.
posted by griphus at 1:28 PM on September 18, 2014 [6 favorites]
Also, stop dealing with shitty people as much as you can, even family if necessary. The more and more drama-prone people (again, including family) I either cut out of my life or took pains to not talk to about anything save for the weather and how my dog is doing, the better it got for me.
posted by griphus at 1:31 PM on September 18, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by griphus at 1:31 PM on September 18, 2014 [4 favorites]
Try to wish good things for other people. Try to see the best in other people. Forgive them their failures. Don't always assume bad motives from others. Try to understand why they do what they do, in a way that isn't specifically negative. Most people are just fumbling around doing their best.
Be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself for whatever you think your flaws are.
Make good friends with decent people.
Eventually it will really sink in.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 1:50 PM on September 18, 2014 [10 favorites]
Be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself for whatever you think your flaws are.
Make good friends with decent people.
Eventually it will really sink in.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 1:50 PM on September 18, 2014 [10 favorites]
Best answer: Remember your gratitude journal doesn't have to be full of lofty "I'm so lucky to be alive" type thoughts. Just about every morning mine says "[Stupid Cat] has stopped meowing." Just because it's petty doesn't mean it's not something to appreciate!
posted by chaiminda at 1:57 PM on September 18, 2014 [9 favorites]
posted by chaiminda at 1:57 PM on September 18, 2014 [9 favorites]
Get toxic people out of your life. No matter who they are. Learn how to identify them and steer your therapy towards that.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 1:59 PM on September 18, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by Mr. Yuck at 1:59 PM on September 18, 2014 [2 favorites]
One reason it's hard to dispel those ideas is that they're partly true -- the world isn't fair, people do have selfish motivations, things can be pretty awful at times. Trying to convince yourself that isn't the case is only going to be unconvincing.
But that isn't the whole truth. It's a distorted view that excludes the many examples of lovingkindness that are there to see every day. People do nice things all the time. Look for those moments. That basic selfishness coexists with the desire to be among others and to connect (and ok, it's likely that even that's informed by selfishness, but so what?). Injustice is the norm in most places, but the fact is, there are individuals and groups working hard to remedy unfairness. Notice them. For me, it's been useful to try to accept that it's just a mixed bag -- there will always be a tension between the world we have and the world we want.
posted by cotton dress sock at 2:14 PM on September 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
But that isn't the whole truth. It's a distorted view that excludes the many examples of lovingkindness that are there to see every day. People do nice things all the time. Look for those moments. That basic selfishness coexists with the desire to be among others and to connect (and ok, it's likely that even that's informed by selfishness, but so what?). Injustice is the norm in most places, but the fact is, there are individuals and groups working hard to remedy unfairness. Notice them. For me, it's been useful to try to accept that it's just a mixed bag -- there will always be a tension between the world we have and the world we want.
posted by cotton dress sock at 2:14 PM on September 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
I wonder if some kind of volunteer work would put you around more positive, caring people?
posted by harrietthespy at 2:25 PM on September 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by harrietthespy at 2:25 PM on September 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
The Ted Talk Habits of Happiness is something I watched a long time ago when TED first came online, and has stuck with me ever since.
I'm a pragmatist, not an optimist. I have low to moderate expectations, I don't feel I'm owed anything in life, and generally yeah i know the world can be a harsh place. I prepare for the worst. So if the worst happens, well, I'm prepared for it. If something moderately bad happens, there's a reason to be happy, because it could be worse. Frequently things are better than I'd hoped, which leaves me happy. If something is making me unhappy, and I can do something about it, I do. If not, I have to let it go. I tend to zone in on the little things that are good, and let the bad things all cloud into the background. This has all allowed me to become a much happier, calmer person, and I don't dwell on stuff as much either. It is a constant work in progress.
For example, I recently got laid off two months ago. I'd quit a secure job where everyone loved me, to start at this new place with higher pay. Then these new folks laid me off shortly thereafter because they "didn't think I was a good fit". I could write a lot here about the shittiness of the situation. I've thought about all of it, and yeah I've dipped into depression more than a few times. But I was prepared - I have savings and will be fine for a while longer. I've learned from the experience - I don't regret my decision to switch jobs because now I know my true $$ worth, and I agree that the new place wasn't a good fit for me either. I've been determined to enjoy my extended time off, and do things that make me happy (baking, exercise, crafts). And I'm applying for all jobs I'm remotely qualified for (which is 'doing something about my situation'). I have plans in place if this situation continues into next month. I have literally made the choice to be happy during this period.
posted by lizbunny at 2:32 PM on September 18, 2014 [12 favorites]
I'm a pragmatist, not an optimist. I have low to moderate expectations, I don't feel I'm owed anything in life, and generally yeah i know the world can be a harsh place. I prepare for the worst. So if the worst happens, well, I'm prepared for it. If something moderately bad happens, there's a reason to be happy, because it could be worse. Frequently things are better than I'd hoped, which leaves me happy. If something is making me unhappy, and I can do something about it, I do. If not, I have to let it go. I tend to zone in on the little things that are good, and let the bad things all cloud into the background. This has all allowed me to become a much happier, calmer person, and I don't dwell on stuff as much either. It is a constant work in progress.
For example, I recently got laid off two months ago. I'd quit a secure job where everyone loved me, to start at this new place with higher pay. Then these new folks laid me off shortly thereafter because they "didn't think I was a good fit". I could write a lot here about the shittiness of the situation. I've thought about all of it, and yeah I've dipped into depression more than a few times. But I was prepared - I have savings and will be fine for a while longer. I've learned from the experience - I don't regret my decision to switch jobs because now I know my true $$ worth, and I agree that the new place wasn't a good fit for me either. I've been determined to enjoy my extended time off, and do things that make me happy (baking, exercise, crafts). And I'm applying for all jobs I'm remotely qualified for (which is 'doing something about my situation'). I have plans in place if this situation continues into next month. I have literally made the choice to be happy during this period.
posted by lizbunny at 2:32 PM on September 18, 2014 [12 favorites]
Best answer: It sounds like you're in a better place now, compared to your childhood. And that's wonderful!
Something that might help is to recall how crappy life was back then, and how lucky you are now to be out of that. The thing is, a lot of people have crappy childhoods and can never escape its hold on them. Many people who do bad things do them because they never had the role models and resources to teach them to be any other way; it is all they know. Keeping that in mind may help you to develop some compassion for them, which I think helps to develop a more positive worldview.
There have been many recommended books on Buddhism on Ask Metafilter. I think they could really help. I hope you find your contentment!
posted by sweetpotato at 2:44 PM on September 18, 2014
Something that might help is to recall how crappy life was back then, and how lucky you are now to be out of that. The thing is, a lot of people have crappy childhoods and can never escape its hold on them. Many people who do bad things do them because they never had the role models and resources to teach them to be any other way; it is all they know. Keeping that in mind may help you to develop some compassion for them, which I think helps to develop a more positive worldview.
There have been many recommended books on Buddhism on Ask Metafilter. I think they could really help. I hope you find your contentment!
posted by sweetpotato at 2:44 PM on September 18, 2014
Best answer: I think when you feel like this it's because you are generally consumed with shame. I found Healing the Shame That Binds You helpful. I've read other books on shame but this one was the most helpful.
When you are no longer consumed with shame you will realize that you are lovable and likable and the world isn't such a bad place (it's been bad and good since time began) and there is lots of fun to be had.
Happiness can be random for a lot of people. Every day is not sunshine. Enjoy those random moments, notice them and welcome more.
When we are wounded as kids it can lead us to distrust and form a negative worldview. That distrust only closes us off and creates more loneliness. Believing that the world is a horrible place can also be a good excuse to remain closed off and remain a victim. Childhood can be a nightmare but as adults we get to let that go. We have to let it go or we'll go on suffering needlessly, and how sad is that?
posted by Fairchild at 2:47 PM on September 18, 2014 [3 favorites]
When you are no longer consumed with shame you will realize that you are lovable and likable and the world isn't such a bad place (it's been bad and good since time began) and there is lots of fun to be had.
Happiness can be random for a lot of people. Every day is not sunshine. Enjoy those random moments, notice them and welcome more.
When we are wounded as kids it can lead us to distrust and form a negative worldview. That distrust only closes us off and creates more loneliness. Believing that the world is a horrible place can also be a good excuse to remain closed off and remain a victim. Childhood can be a nightmare but as adults we get to let that go. We have to let it go or we'll go on suffering needlessly, and how sad is that?
posted by Fairchild at 2:47 PM on September 18, 2014 [3 favorites]
Are YOU cruel and threatening, and always just looking for excuses to put people down?
If you are, then changing that is the first step.
If you are not, then the first step may be recognizing that you're not alone in this - other people are similarly not trying to hurt people (usually even when people get hurt).
Then recognize that you're not just not alone (in not seeking to hurt others), but in the majority.
Then give people the benefit of the doubt, the way that you prefer people to assume the best of you. (Bonus: You're more likely to read their motives correctly, because the majority aren't trying to do harm)
Then give everyone the benefit of the doubt, even if they don't deserve it, because that's a better world to live in, and the benefits of that world easily compensate for the price of occasionally being wrong about a particular situation.
posted by anonymisc at 3:01 PM on September 18, 2014 [2 favorites]
If you are, then changing that is the first step.
If you are not, then the first step may be recognizing that you're not alone in this - other people are similarly not trying to hurt people (usually even when people get hurt).
Then recognize that you're not just not alone (in not seeking to hurt others), but in the majority.
Then give people the benefit of the doubt, the way that you prefer people to assume the best of you. (Bonus: You're more likely to read their motives correctly, because the majority aren't trying to do harm)
Then give everyone the benefit of the doubt, even if they don't deserve it, because that's a better world to live in, and the benefits of that world easily compensate for the price of occasionally being wrong about a particular situation.
posted by anonymisc at 3:01 PM on September 18, 2014 [2 favorites]
Harness it? The Power of Negative Thinking (article link, but also a book).
I agree that you're not wrong, but it's not the whole truth either. The world is complex... So are people. It's all gray area. Some people are out to get you, some are out to help you. Sometimes it's the same person in different circumstances. The world/people aren't inherently good or bad, they just are.
Buddhism or some form of mindful lens meditation?
posted by jrobin276 at 3:01 PM on September 18, 2014
I agree that you're not wrong, but it's not the whole truth either. The world is complex... So are people. It's all gray area. Some people are out to get you, some are out to help you. Sometimes it's the same person in different circumstances. The world/people aren't inherently good or bad, they just are.
Buddhism or some form of mindful lens meditation?
posted by jrobin276 at 3:01 PM on September 18, 2014
Best answer: Don't just keep a gratitude journal, try to see the good in the actual moment. My favorite time to do this is while commuting, because you're brain is free to mostly wander.
I have a bad habit of falling in to really grumpy, awful thoughts while commuting - drivers, subway riders, bikes, and pedestrians are all Awful, and hey, have I ruminated on that awful thing from the past lately? Maybe I should be Angry all over again! Speaking of which, doesn't the future look scary and hard?
As you know, being the person living with these kinds of thoughts harms no one but yourself. So I started stupid games with myself where I'd try to see the beauty in the least conventionally attractive subway riders or come up with mental compliments for Everyone I saw, or try to frame Every single annoying action as that person doing the best they could at that moment (so maybe that woman that just ran that red light is trying to get her kid to hospital, or is rescuing a kitten! Yeah, kittens!).
These games are all just as forced and silly as gratitude journals, but that forced and silly makes me smile in the moment, and I move on to thinking good thoughts to the next person I see. It doesn't change anything for anyone else except me. But I tend to be happier, spend more time in the moment, and let go of my negativity more often.
posted by ldthomps at 3:05 PM on September 18, 2014 [4 favorites]
I have a bad habit of falling in to really grumpy, awful thoughts while commuting - drivers, subway riders, bikes, and pedestrians are all Awful, and hey, have I ruminated on that awful thing from the past lately? Maybe I should be Angry all over again! Speaking of which, doesn't the future look scary and hard?
As you know, being the person living with these kinds of thoughts harms no one but yourself. So I started stupid games with myself where I'd try to see the beauty in the least conventionally attractive subway riders or come up with mental compliments for Everyone I saw, or try to frame Every single annoying action as that person doing the best they could at that moment (so maybe that woman that just ran that red light is trying to get her kid to hospital, or is rescuing a kitten! Yeah, kittens!).
These games are all just as forced and silly as gratitude journals, but that forced and silly makes me smile in the moment, and I move on to thinking good thoughts to the next person I see. It doesn't change anything for anyone else except me. But I tend to be happier, spend more time in the moment, and let go of my negativity more often.
posted by ldthomps at 3:05 PM on September 18, 2014 [4 favorites]
Best answer: Maybe lose the aspect of gratitude to the journal, and turn it into a list of "good things". I kept a gratitude diary for several years, and a lot of it was very repetitive, but it really helped focus my mind on the good things in life. Yes, there are bad things that happen, but there are also good things. I feel better when I focus more on the good things and less on the bad things. Life will throw plenty enough unpleasantness at you, as you already know. Spend some time counteracting that unpleasantness with some positive focusing.
I'm not suggesting The Secret-level pretending everything is completely OK. Denial doesn't generally help. Life will give you lemons. It's OK to acknowledge that. Life will also sometimes give you calorie free chocolate cake as well, and it's OK to acknowledge that too.
A thing doesn't have to be huge to make a massive difference, either - just ask anyone who has ever had a pebble in their shoe. One of the things I was always grateful for was a hot shower in the morning. I knew that the day would be a little better if I had a shower, and I took time to appreciate that, every day. Just a few seconds to think about how amazing it is to be able to press a button and have hot water. I don't have to go and dig coal out of the ground and build a fire, then go to the well and draw up water, heat it up and then carry it upstairs. I just have to press a button. A shower isn't that huge a thing, but it did make a huge difference.
There are other forms of gratitude too. A negative thing can sometimes lead to a positive thing - "every cloud has a silver lining". Another form is being grateful that things are no worse than they are. Yeah, you might have burned the toast, but at least the kitchen is OK. You can open the windows and you now know that the smoke alarm you've been meaning to test for the past few months actually works (or doesn't!).
Predators are rare. They certainly do exist, but the vast majority of people aren't out to get you. They're out for themselves and probably don't actually care about you that much. Learning to spot them is a lifelong process and you will be taken in sometimes. There's a type of meditation I find helpful in dealing with the aftermath of such a person, called metta bhavana. The recitation I use is this one:
A book on the subject of positive thinking that I found helpful. Also: bean theory.
posted by Solomon at 3:15 PM on September 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
I'm not suggesting The Secret-level pretending everything is completely OK. Denial doesn't generally help. Life will give you lemons. It's OK to acknowledge that. Life will also sometimes give you calorie free chocolate cake as well, and it's OK to acknowledge that too.
A thing doesn't have to be huge to make a massive difference, either - just ask anyone who has ever had a pebble in their shoe. One of the things I was always grateful for was a hot shower in the morning. I knew that the day would be a little better if I had a shower, and I took time to appreciate that, every day. Just a few seconds to think about how amazing it is to be able to press a button and have hot water. I don't have to go and dig coal out of the ground and build a fire, then go to the well and draw up water, heat it up and then carry it upstairs. I just have to press a button. A shower isn't that huge a thing, but it did make a huge difference.
There are other forms of gratitude too. A negative thing can sometimes lead to a positive thing - "every cloud has a silver lining". Another form is being grateful that things are no worse than they are. Yeah, you might have burned the toast, but at least the kitchen is OK. You can open the windows and you now know that the smoke alarm you've been meaning to test for the past few months actually works (or doesn't!).
Predators are rare. They certainly do exist, but the vast majority of people aren't out to get you. They're out for themselves and probably don't actually care about you that much. Learning to spot them is a lifelong process and you will be taken in sometimes. There's a type of meditation I find helpful in dealing with the aftermath of such a person, called metta bhavana. The recitation I use is this one:
May you live in safety and healthSaying that about people I like makes me feel good. Saying it about people I dislike also makes me feel good, because I can then think that I've done my bit in letting go. And also, I'm a better person that they are, which isn't really the purpose of the meditation, but I go with what works.
May you have understanding
May you be happy
May you have ease of being
A book on the subject of positive thinking that I found helpful. Also: bean theory.
posted by Solomon at 3:15 PM on September 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
The world is not fair and people are often unkind BUT what you put into it tends to return. Be friendly and kind and most people will respond in kind.
A friend sent me a link yesterday with an explanation of why we feel connected to people. It confirms my outlook that you have to act out goodness to make a change. Doing even small kindnesses builds a chain of good feelings. No, I don't believe that these acts will change the whole world, but it changes my bit of it for the better and makes me feel better.
posted by a humble nudibranch at 3:26 PM on September 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
A friend sent me a link yesterday with an explanation of why we feel connected to people. It confirms my outlook that you have to act out goodness to make a change. Doing even small kindnesses builds a chain of good feelings. No, I don't believe that these acts will change the whole world, but it changes my bit of it for the better and makes me feel better.
posted by a humble nudibranch at 3:26 PM on September 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I really envy the kind of people who feel like the world is good to them, that they are lucky, that people generally like them, and that things will turn out for the best.
There are studies on the differences between people who view themselves as lucky vs those who view themselves as unlucky. Here is one (really short) article on it. I have read a number of articles on the topic and I find them fascinating and helpful. My sons have told me that in Japan supposedly the attitude is that "luck is a skill." So I have been researching how to better position oneself to "be lucky." See also: Exposing yourself to positive black swans
The other thing I have found is that people who are intelligent, educated and well-read -- or some combination, not necessarily all three -- have a different mindset about things. I am often perceived by other people as very upbeat or optimistic. I don't see myself that way. I can be pretty grumpy about things. But I often run into situations where I feel confident it can be solved because I have experience with fixing similar problems. When I am talking to someone who can't imagine that it can be solved, this reads as very pie-in-the-sky crazy talk in some cases.
So I hang out on MeFi and similar places in part because there are a lot of smart, educated, well-read people and even outside of AskMe it is sometimes possible to just kick around an idea or whatever and get actual useful information. People with, say, PHD's just seem to be a lot less gloomy to talk to because they have done hard things and they know others who have done hard things and they don't readily give up. They keep asking questions. When I am emotionally overwhelmed, talking with people for whom it is more about information and research and not so emotional are wonderfully grounding.
So read a lot, get an education, talk to smart, well-read, educated people and learn to make your own luck. Knowledge is power. And it's part of why I manage to keep rising to the occasion in the face of tough challenges: Because I am not merely HOPING I will get lucky and things will turn out okay. I am continually problem-solving and I think that is part of why the odds look to me like they are probably in my favor.
posted by Michele in California at 3:38 PM on September 18, 2014 [2 favorites]
There are studies on the differences between people who view themselves as lucky vs those who view themselves as unlucky. Here is one (really short) article on it. I have read a number of articles on the topic and I find them fascinating and helpful. My sons have told me that in Japan supposedly the attitude is that "luck is a skill." So I have been researching how to better position oneself to "be lucky." See also: Exposing yourself to positive black swans
The other thing I have found is that people who are intelligent, educated and well-read -- or some combination, not necessarily all three -- have a different mindset about things. I am often perceived by other people as very upbeat or optimistic. I don't see myself that way. I can be pretty grumpy about things. But I often run into situations where I feel confident it can be solved because I have experience with fixing similar problems. When I am talking to someone who can't imagine that it can be solved, this reads as very pie-in-the-sky crazy talk in some cases.
So I hang out on MeFi and similar places in part because there are a lot of smart, educated, well-read people and even outside of AskMe it is sometimes possible to just kick around an idea or whatever and get actual useful information. People with, say, PHD's just seem to be a lot less gloomy to talk to because they have done hard things and they know others who have done hard things and they don't readily give up. They keep asking questions. When I am emotionally overwhelmed, talking with people for whom it is more about information and research and not so emotional are wonderfully grounding.
So read a lot, get an education, talk to smart, well-read, educated people and learn to make your own luck. Knowledge is power. And it's part of why I manage to keep rising to the occasion in the face of tough challenges: Because I am not merely HOPING I will get lucky and things will turn out okay. I am continually problem-solving and I think that is part of why the odds look to me like they are probably in my favor.
posted by Michele in California at 3:38 PM on September 18, 2014 [2 favorites]
FWIW, I had a totally stable, loving, happy childhood, and I happen to see the world a lot like you do. It's my temperament, and looking at my recent ancestors, I think it's largely hereditary. Lots of melancholics and loveable cranks in my family. Those people who are unrealistically happy and positive? I think most of the time they were just made that way too.
I've gotten somewhat better in recent years, mainly because I've been able to catch myself as my thoughts start to go overly-negative. For me it's all about stopping black-and-white thinking. "It's both" is kind of my mantra. It applies to people too ("They're both." (aggressive/passive; judgmental/open-minded). Or "they're more; it's more." I dunno, I recommend a mantra of some sort.
posted by bennett being thrown at 3:54 PM on September 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
I've gotten somewhat better in recent years, mainly because I've been able to catch myself as my thoughts start to go overly-negative. For me it's all about stopping black-and-white thinking. "It's both" is kind of my mantra. It applies to people too ("They're both." (aggressive/passive; judgmental/open-minded). Or "they're more; it's more." I dunno, I recommend a mantra of some sort.
posted by bennett being thrown at 3:54 PM on September 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I hate gratitude journals too. Especially on shitty days where I'm supposed to be GRATEFUL, DAMMIT! GRATEFUL I'M ALIVE!!!! Fuck that.
I would suggest that you do your best to find good people to hang out with, and if possible (har), try to get yourself out of situations where everyone thinks you're awful. I have a lot easier time having a nice mindset when I am not being picked on all day.
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:41 PM on September 18, 2014
I would suggest that you do your best to find good people to hang out with, and if possible (har), try to get yourself out of situations where everyone thinks you're awful. I have a lot easier time having a nice mindset when I am not being picked on all day.
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:41 PM on September 18, 2014
Best answer: A few years back, I was in a toxic work situation. I couldn't quit, so I decided I was just going to be SO. Damn. Positive. Whenever my boss was shitty, I took it with a smile and the internal conviction that I was better than that. Things weren't going to stop being unfair, so I decided I would change instead. It was hard, it was a radical change of my thought patterns, but I forced myself to do it. And within a month, literally, a month after I made this conscious decision, I got moved to another team that is a much better fit and I'm happily still there today.
I'm not naturally an optimist, and I really had to work to keep that mindset, but it paid off in spades. Life can be terrible, but you're not, and that's what you have to hold on to.
posted by Ruki at 7:29 PM on September 18, 2014 [8 favorites]
I'm not naturally an optimist, and I really had to work to keep that mindset, but it paid off in spades. Life can be terrible, but you're not, and that's what you have to hold on to.
posted by Ruki at 7:29 PM on September 18, 2014 [8 favorites]
I think that what happens to people is that childhood memories becomes a kind of story, or explanatory narrative you make up based on your internalized scripts about life. You end up making algorithms about life based on the narrative that then influence or filter how you see reality. People are basically cold, or the universe is basically unfriendly. You may never even realize the underlying statement or belief but it influences your outlook and filters your perceptions every time it is triggered and reinforced.
What I do is have counter-scripts ready so when my bias towards negativity, which is partly biological in basis, rears its negating whispering head, I have positive statement scripts ready I can think that are more positive, even much more positive, about the nature of the world and my role in it.
Over time as you practice that new filter, the perceptions you have change to match the new algorithm, even with all else remaining the same, your outlook changes based on what you tell yourself is real. Me-mail me, I'll send you more resources about this.
posted by diode at 7:44 PM on September 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
What I do is have counter-scripts ready so when my bias towards negativity, which is partly biological in basis, rears its negating whispering head, I have positive statement scripts ready I can think that are more positive, even much more positive, about the nature of the world and my role in it.
Over time as you practice that new filter, the perceptions you have change to match the new algorithm, even with all else remaining the same, your outlook changes based on what you tell yourself is real. Me-mail me, I'll send you more resources about this.
posted by diode at 7:44 PM on September 18, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: In my experience its not so much a question of switching off a negative world view straight into a positive one, as realizing the world is largely indifferent to everyone.
Part of my growing up was dealing with very unjust treatment, and while resisting and rejecting it in my heart that was entirely the right thing to do, that I knew this shouldn't happen but still did did embitter me, and turned me into a very passive-aggressive personality.
As a result as an individual I developed a very strong sense of justice, which while admirable, my experience of life made this very rigid, dogmatic and defensive proposition and utter belief in the "just world falacy" that things were beastly and rotten and fallen from a great ideal.
As a result this just perpetuate, diffused and generalized my anger with the world, politics and social dynamics. , causing me all sorts of problems, combined with an ability to deal with anger in a productive way led to a massive downward spiral that was self perpetuated.
Acknowledging my anger and sense of injustice was key to turning this round. Going to an excellent human centered therapist really helped me to knock down my intellectual defences and express this through my emotions.
Working with him really helped me recognized and acknowledge the feelings I have that what I went through was't fair wasn't right and reconcile these to myself, but not in a glib "life isn't fair" way but as a genuine understanding.
Since finishing therapy, working on understanding and adjusting my attitudes to people and the world has been a real thing for me, and I've been consciously working to unravel the massive affect my early experiences had on me and how this injustice colored my worldview.
Having a very supportive partner helped, dogs, a secure place to live, a straightforward job with good colleagues and nice friends all helped me bring some of these barriers down and readjust my expectations of life, but its an ongoing process.
Now I see life in a bigger picture I can see it in far more benevolent terms; somethings work out, some things don't and that you and your conscious will are only a small part of anything, so success or failure there's so much less to loose.
'No Man is an Island'
No man is an island entire of itself; every man
is a piece of the continent, a part of the main;
if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe
is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as
well as any manner of thy friends or of thine
own were; any man's death diminishes me,
because I am involved in mankind.
And therefore never send to know for whom
the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.
John Donne
posted by Middlemarch at 11:31 PM on September 18, 2014
Part of my growing up was dealing with very unjust treatment, and while resisting and rejecting it in my heart that was entirely the right thing to do, that I knew this shouldn't happen but still did did embitter me, and turned me into a very passive-aggressive personality.
As a result as an individual I developed a very strong sense of justice, which while admirable, my experience of life made this very rigid, dogmatic and defensive proposition and utter belief in the "just world falacy" that things were beastly and rotten and fallen from a great ideal.
As a result this just perpetuate, diffused and generalized my anger with the world, politics and social dynamics. , causing me all sorts of problems, combined with an ability to deal with anger in a productive way led to a massive downward spiral that was self perpetuated.
Acknowledging my anger and sense of injustice was key to turning this round. Going to an excellent human centered therapist really helped me to knock down my intellectual defences and express this through my emotions.
Working with him really helped me recognized and acknowledge the feelings I have that what I went through was't fair wasn't right and reconcile these to myself, but not in a glib "life isn't fair" way but as a genuine understanding.
Since finishing therapy, working on understanding and adjusting my attitudes to people and the world has been a real thing for me, and I've been consciously working to unravel the massive affect my early experiences had on me and how this injustice colored my worldview.
Having a very supportive partner helped, dogs, a secure place to live, a straightforward job with good colleagues and nice friends all helped me bring some of these barriers down and readjust my expectations of life, but its an ongoing process.
Now I see life in a bigger picture I can see it in far more benevolent terms; somethings work out, some things don't and that you and your conscious will are only a small part of anything, so success or failure there's so much less to loose.
'No Man is an Island'
No man is an island entire of itself; every man
is a piece of the continent, a part of the main;
if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe
is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as
well as any manner of thy friends or of thine
own were; any man's death diminishes me,
because I am involved in mankind.
And therefore never send to know for whom
the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.
John Donne
posted by Middlemarch at 11:31 PM on September 18, 2014
Best answer: Another gratitude journal hater here (my thought process is along the lines of "everything is total bullshit and I'm meant to be thankful?").
I've been having a bad bad bad time depression-wise for most of this year, and something that did help when things were really terrible and I was taking some time off work was making a list every day of the things I'd achieved. Which kind of made me feel like a total weenie when I thought about doing it ("I have a degree from a school that was rated the best in the world when I went there, but I can't even get off the couch and do my damn job, and I'm meant to be proud of myself for taking a shower?" - thanks, shitbag brain, thanks a bunch for that insight) - but, ultimately, I was going to end up beating myself up anyway, and at least that way I got to feel like a total weenie who took a shower and went outside for a walk that day rather than a total weenie who didn't do anything.
You framed this question in terms of believing that the world is a cruel and threatening place (and, damn, do I know that feel) - instead of making the journal about try-not-to-puke-in-your-mouth "gratitude", would it sit better with you if you could make a list each day of the things that happened that made you think the world was possibly an okay place to live in?
Gratitude makes me feel like the world, or maybe more specifically all the happy people, has some kind of massive entitlement complex towards me - "you will experience these things and, damn it, you will like them, and if you're not grateful about that then you're ungrateful and that is the worst" - which is the kind of feeling of obligation that I tend to snarl and struggle against, especially when I'm feeling more like a meat corpse than a person. But maybe if you strip out the bits of "gratitude" that make it feel like an obligation and a chore and an expectation that's going to be really hard to live up to, and focus on the ways in which your experiences that day proved a little bit of your world view wrong, that could help?
Personally, I'd think of it like an evidence locker rather than a gratitude journal. Depression and anxiety and all the other shit that sits inside your head and persuades you that everything is bad and wrong are pretty convincing, but having a notebook full of things that challenge those convictions might help you, in the long run, to listen to the other side of the argument.
posted by terretu at 12:38 AM on September 19, 2014 [2 favorites]
I've been having a bad bad bad time depression-wise for most of this year, and something that did help when things were really terrible and I was taking some time off work was making a list every day of the things I'd achieved. Which kind of made me feel like a total weenie when I thought about doing it ("I have a degree from a school that was rated the best in the world when I went there, but I can't even get off the couch and do my damn job, and I'm meant to be proud of myself for taking a shower?" - thanks, shitbag brain, thanks a bunch for that insight) - but, ultimately, I was going to end up beating myself up anyway, and at least that way I got to feel like a total weenie who took a shower and went outside for a walk that day rather than a total weenie who didn't do anything.
You framed this question in terms of believing that the world is a cruel and threatening place (and, damn, do I know that feel) - instead of making the journal about try-not-to-puke-in-your-mouth "gratitude", would it sit better with you if you could make a list each day of the things that happened that made you think the world was possibly an okay place to live in?
Gratitude makes me feel like the world, or maybe more specifically all the happy people, has some kind of massive entitlement complex towards me - "you will experience these things and, damn it, you will like them, and if you're not grateful about that then you're ungrateful and that is the worst" - which is the kind of feeling of obligation that I tend to snarl and struggle against, especially when I'm feeling more like a meat corpse than a person. But maybe if you strip out the bits of "gratitude" that make it feel like an obligation and a chore and an expectation that's going to be really hard to live up to, and focus on the ways in which your experiences that day proved a little bit of your world view wrong, that could help?
Personally, I'd think of it like an evidence locker rather than a gratitude journal. Depression and anxiety and all the other shit that sits inside your head and persuades you that everything is bad and wrong are pretty convincing, but having a notebook full of things that challenge those convictions might help you, in the long run, to listen to the other side of the argument.
posted by terretu at 12:38 AM on September 19, 2014 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Do you have a smartphone? It so happened that when I was going through a bad patch I was also enjoying my first smartphone (which I couldn't afford cuz I got it just before I got laid off! And then I couldn't return it... Luckily). When I did get a job it was in very beautiful surroundings and I got into the habit of photographing things I saw. I spent two years in those surroundings and looking back on all the beautiful pictures I'd taken, and knowing that if I had spent twenty years in that place I wouldn't have gotten to the end of the pictures I could take - well, flicking back through my photo album was good for morale in a way that gritting my teeth and writing a journal could never have been.
I always recommend "The Happiness Trap" by whose name I forget, for daily mindfulness and also, crucially, acceptance that sometimes things do go wrong and feel bad. I think this is important because the urge, culturally and within ourselves, is often to go around grinning like fools as if we're just soooo happy all the time, and that's not really authentic or sustainable.
What is authentic and sustainable is working to improve one's good luck so that there are more and more things to be happy about, of course. So I strongly recommend The Luck Factor by Richard Wiseman, don't just read it, do the exercises. I tell you it does work. And a lot of it is, yes, in acting as if good outcomes are possible. The unlucky people in that book are really striking for their outstandingly shitty problem solving skills, because they seem to be like, oh no a problem, well I'll never solve that, FML. And then one woman who described how she turned her luck from bad to good was like, well, I walked past a shop and there was a coat I really liked but I knew they probably wouldn't have it in my size. So normally I would have just kept going. But I decided to try my luck and I went in and woohoo! There WAS exactly one left in my size! So I went to pay for it and I found I'd come out without cash, so normally I would have given up and whinged that nothing ever goes right for me, but this time since I was on a roll I decided to ask the sales lady to hold it for me and I turned around and there was an ATM right there!
So you see there's no mystery in that part of it, but don't mistake it for a statement of the bleedin' obvious. The luckiest people were the ones who persevered the most, and you don't persevere unless on some level you do think you can succeed. And they of course also kept their eyes peeled for opportunity as well.
Another thing? The luckier people were all good judges of character and listened to their intuition if it was telling them something was not right about a person or a situation. The unlucky people had tales of woe that you could spot the point at which they should have ended a relationship but they kept going, presumably because they thought that's just what relationships were like or something, or that they couldn't do better. The lucky ones were more like, we were going to do this deal but there was this nagging doubt in the back of my mind and I checked it out and what do you know, the guy was a crook and I called it off.
So knowing that people CAN be bad and AREN'T always going to have your best interests at heart is going to work to your advantage, if you use it well. You can make friends with nicer people and soon you'll have concrete experience of people who are nicer and you'll have much more refuge against mean people because you'll know by experience that they're not the whole world or even the majority.
posted by tel3path at 3:47 AM on September 19, 2014 [1 favorite]
I always recommend "The Happiness Trap" by whose name I forget, for daily mindfulness and also, crucially, acceptance that sometimes things do go wrong and feel bad. I think this is important because the urge, culturally and within ourselves, is often to go around grinning like fools as if we're just soooo happy all the time, and that's not really authentic or sustainable.
What is authentic and sustainable is working to improve one's good luck so that there are more and more things to be happy about, of course. So I strongly recommend The Luck Factor by Richard Wiseman, don't just read it, do the exercises. I tell you it does work. And a lot of it is, yes, in acting as if good outcomes are possible. The unlucky people in that book are really striking for their outstandingly shitty problem solving skills, because they seem to be like, oh no a problem, well I'll never solve that, FML. And then one woman who described how she turned her luck from bad to good was like, well, I walked past a shop and there was a coat I really liked but I knew they probably wouldn't have it in my size. So normally I would have just kept going. But I decided to try my luck and I went in and woohoo! There WAS exactly one left in my size! So I went to pay for it and I found I'd come out without cash, so normally I would have given up and whinged that nothing ever goes right for me, but this time since I was on a roll I decided to ask the sales lady to hold it for me and I turned around and there was an ATM right there!
So you see there's no mystery in that part of it, but don't mistake it for a statement of the bleedin' obvious. The luckiest people were the ones who persevered the most, and you don't persevere unless on some level you do think you can succeed. And they of course also kept their eyes peeled for opportunity as well.
Another thing? The luckier people were all good judges of character and listened to their intuition if it was telling them something was not right about a person or a situation. The unlucky people had tales of woe that you could spot the point at which they should have ended a relationship but they kept going, presumably because they thought that's just what relationships were like or something, or that they couldn't do better. The lucky ones were more like, we were going to do this deal but there was this nagging doubt in the back of my mind and I checked it out and what do you know, the guy was a crook and I called it off.
So knowing that people CAN be bad and AREN'T always going to have your best interests at heart is going to work to your advantage, if you use it well. You can make friends with nicer people and soon you'll have concrete experience of people who are nicer and you'll have much more refuge against mean people because you'll know by experience that they're not the whole world or even the majority.
posted by tel3path at 3:47 AM on September 19, 2014 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thank you everyone for your ideas and insight! Receiving so many long, thoughtful responses to my question from a bunch of total internet strangers has actually been a very affirming experience in and of itself :) :) :)
posted by lemerle at 9:08 AM on September 20, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by lemerle at 9:08 AM on September 20, 2014 [4 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
I also wouldn't be discouraged by the fact that this is hard for you - even for people who've had a better go of it, this kind of mindset can still be hard to maintain sometimes.
Lemme ask something about the gratitude journal - is it really structured, like you have to do it in list format or something? Maybe that's what you're up against - maybe you need to add a different kind of journaling for a while. I did a lot of journaling in my 20's when there was a lot of shit I had to process; it wasn't any kind of "gratitude" journal or anything, it was just a blank book where I vomited the contents of my brain when I needed. And oh, I needed.
That may also be something you want to consider if you haven't ever really expressed to the world at large, or yourself, exactly what was wrong with your childhood and how unfair you felt it was. Sometimes trying to be all happy and perky and positive is exactly the wrong thing if we haven't yet expressed "no, dammit, this was NOT okay and I want to acknowledge exactly how not-okay this is!" Maybe that's what you need to do as well as the gratitude journal now and then, just to get those thoughts expressed.
Try adding a regular journal where you can write anything you want without a structure. That may help.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:25 PM on September 18, 2014 [8 favorites]