Seductive pants for male objectification?
April 26, 2014 6:43 AM   Subscribe

I have lost ALOT of weight, and am on track to keep it off. I have a wife who has admitted she really enjoys vintage pics of guys in pants that showcase "the bulge", and she believes I now qualify. I have the butt and legs on my new "skinny pants" appropriately snug for her taste, but the fronts are disappointingly vague. Is this something I have to hunt down vintage jeans for, or ask a tailor for? Or is my endomorph body type, no matter how lean, cursed for flattened-fly jeans?
posted by anonymous to Clothing, Beauty, & Fashion (18 answers total) 20 users marked this as a favorite
Levi 501s have long been the go-to jeans for bulge accentuation.
posted by Thorzdad at 7:05 AM on April 26, 2014 [1 favorite]

I've found that Uniqlo's T-000 cut does exactly this. Godspeed!
posted by griphus at 7:10 AM on April 26, 2014 [1 favorite]

Just to double-check: you are trying flat-front pants, right? Not pleated?
posted by easily confused at 7:12 AM on April 26, 2014

I love this question.

You know, ladies are well aware what a difference the right undergarments play in overall appearance. Perhaps you might investigate undergarments that could help in this project.
posted by Sublimity at 7:47 AM on April 26, 2014 [11 favorites]

I was just going to ask - are you wearing boxers or briefs underneath?
posted by cotton dress sock at 7:48 AM on April 26, 2014

Thank you on behalf of all red-blooded women.

Rag and Bone's RB7 Slim. Also an excellent choice if you have a bubble butt.

(bubble bubble bubble butt.)
posted by sevensnowflakes at 8:05 AM on April 26, 2014 [4 favorites]

posted by PMdixon at 8:09 AM on April 26, 2014 [1 favorite]

nthing proper underwear. Look for briefs that enhance the bulge, and then find pants with some stretch to them.
posted by xingcat at 8:48 AM on April 26, 2014

you don't have to buy anything. she likes vintage pics of guys showing a bulge? for as long as it takes to snap those pics, just put a sock in it.

rockstar to his mom: "i want my fans to know what sex i am." mom: "if your pants were any tighter, they'd know what religion you are."
posted by bruce at 8:54 AM on April 26, 2014 [4 favorites]

I like the suggestion of doing what you can to get pics, but as a lady also, I feel like your lady will want some actual in-person eye candy. And it's also nice to have some sort of clothing that your SO likes you in, but doesn't want you to leave the house in.

Try skinny or slim jeans. Look for a lower rise (the space from the top of the pant to the crotch.) A lower rise pant means less room for junk. Also look at skinny jeans, but definitely don't forget some slim cut Levis or Wranglers even. JC Penny seems to have a huge selection of inexpensive jeans whenever I'm in there.

Also, it depends on how tight she wants them. There are more men's "jeggings" becoming popular, but I suspect she likes more of a straight leg, tight crotch thing. Possibly something like these? Which I think are Ralph Lauren from the article.

And DEFINITELY briefs or boxer-briefs. That's another "area" (tee-hee) where you can get creative with some hotter garb. Get a nice patterned boxer or boxer brief that's a little snug. No whitey tighties under the "hot pants."
posted by Crystalinne at 9:05 AM on April 26, 2014

Uniqlo makes jeans w/ 2% Lycra in the weave. Snug fitting jeans that move and breathe and don't bind are GOLD. DEFINITELY no pleats. Flat front only.

Consider taking a pair of slacks to your local tailor. The first time you pick up a pair of pants that have been professionally adjusted to fit your body & put them on is the the day you start calculating "+$15 to have it adjusted" into your clothing purchases.

Because nothing off the rack wears even close to something that's been tailored. You want your wife looking you up & down with that "I'm gonna hit that later tonight" twinkle in her eye, find a local tailor whose work you like & can afford. Your newly in-shape & desirable body is a unique expression of the human template, and is not gonna be flaunted and shown off by something chunked out from the sweatshop & shipped to the mall.

Congratulations on getting in shape. I salute you as a former fat guy. Remember what Jack LaLanne said:
If you lose a couple of inches off your stomach, your business down there will look an inch longer.
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 9:47 AM on April 26, 2014

Buy underwear marketed to gay guys. 2xist is the first brand that comes to mind; Ginch Gonch and N2N Bodywear also have good bulge-enhancing styles.
posted by desjardins at 9:50 AM on April 26, 2014 [6 favorites]

I would just like to report that sweatpants are the least sexy, most creepy way to show off your junk imaginable. Men should not be allowed to wear them in public and especially not right next to me on the subway train when they are standing and their crotch is level with my head.

Now that we're covered that: go to uniqlo, buy their jeans and wear boxer briefs. Women everywhere thank you for your contribution.
posted by Polyhymnia at 9:54 AM on April 26, 2014 [7 favorites]

If she's drawing her, um, inspiration from pictures of guys in vintage pants, then you should probably get some vintage pants, or ones that are cut that way. If that means slacks/chinos, then something non-baggy, but not super-slim. I've found that Lands' End offers some in their "tailored" fit that straddle the line between a classic relaxed fit and a contemporary tapered fit pretty nicely. They accentuate one's rear, provide some satisfying-but-not-gratuitous heft in the crotch, and are pretty inexpensive.

For jeans, some basic Wrangler, Lee, or Levis in a classic straight fit should work fine. These were more or less the only options available for the vintage guys she's ogling. Levi's Shrink-to-Fit 501s are a particularly good choice, because soaking them before breaking them in allows them to shrink slightly and mold specifically to your body. These and other brands of "raw" denim will subtly emphasize the various parts of your body -- bulge included -- while looking undeniably classic and comfortable. Their unique fade/wear patterns will only add to this effect, over time. I suggest 501s as a starting point because they are a low cost way to get used to the technique (usually found for ~ $50), but you can really go down the rabbit hole with this stuff. Look for terms like "raw," "rigid," or "selvedge" when shopping, and make sure to get specific instructions about sizing (shrink between brands can vary significantly).

(Slightly off topic, but I've had a couple of pair of jeans develop small holes in the upper thigh over the years, and have had several girlfriends who were absolutely fascinated with them. Something about that little, teasing hole. They just wanted to poke at it. If you just can't seem to get the bulge thing happening, you might consider some strategic hole deployment as an alternative?)

I'm pushing a more traditional straight-leg vibe here, rather than a modern, hipster-y thing because I suspect that your wife is appreciating the sort of casual confidence associated with that look. While its true that the more painted-on, low-rise skinny jeans that have been popular recently may technically provide more emphasis, they simply don't fit all body types well (i.e. unless you've become an absolute stick figure, they may look cool on your legs, but draw undue attention to whatever gut/love-handles you have left). Beyond that, they can kind of come of as being a little self-conscious or "insecure." All things considered, I think its best to err on the side of something that suggests rather than screams; analogous perhaps to the difference between a curve-caressing dress and a thong bikini. And anyway, they won't be totally out of style in the next couple of years.
posted by credible hulk at 12:57 PM on April 26, 2014

Levi's and Wrangler jeans are GREAT for this. Good luck! It truly is the Best.

P.s. super sweet that you're doing this for your wife :)
posted by lunastellasol at 1:01 PM on April 26, 2014

Nthing that this is an underwear issue, if indeed you're already rocking tight pants. While brands like 2xist certainly will help I've had no problem expressing bulge with regular fruit of the loom briefs. Make sure they're snug and so give your business the proper support.
posted by wemayfreeze at 1:35 PM on April 26, 2014

Yeah, this is an underwear thing. You either want something that gives your stuff a lot of support without compression (AussieBum, (2)xist, etc), or you want boxers for the dangling down the leg look.

I suspect she wants the former, so basically you want the testicular version of a pushup bra.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 3:47 PM on April 26, 2014 [3 favorites]

Actually, even simpler advice:

Go shopping for underwear in your city's gaybourhood. When it comes to showing off a package, gay men know what's what.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 6:40 AM on April 28, 2014

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