How do I realistically satisfy my bicuriousity?
March 18, 2014 8:01 AM   Subscribe

I am a cis-female in my late 20s, and I've considered myself straight for most of my life. Around my mid 20s I started to realize that I had a secret desire for a woman to come on to me as a sexy fantasy, but still aligning myself as straight. However this desire slowly grew and I started to have intense dreams of having sex with women and now I really want to make this happen in reality. I have no idea how to approach this.

I've been talking to my therapist (which happens to be lesbian and has LGBT specialization) since last year about this and my realization that I may be bisexual. I used to immediately dismiss the idea about being with women, but now I've been thinking a fair amount about even dating women. Despite my deep desire to make this happen, I am quite terrified about how this would happen in reality.

I have few queer friends, most I am not really close with (just association really), and I would find it awkward to bring the topic up with them. I did tell one lesbian friend about my potential interest in woman and asked her how I would meet ladies and she herself was like "if you find out, please tell me!" (she has a lot of dating issues and troubles herself).

My therapist recommends that I come out to the community but I tried to change the subject with her at first because I'm not quite comfortable with it yet. Although I am slowly coming around that this is something I have to do (which is honestly not that difficult because I am interested in a lot of different things) but there is too much to choose from, especially since I am in the Los Angeles area. I've been to a lesbian bar twice in my life and I was absolutely terrified (this was before I fully admitted to myself my attraction to women). While I've had my share of hookups and one night stands with men, they have never started at a bar so I feel this is probably not the way to go for women either.

I occasionally participate in the kink scene but I've taken a long break since my last activity. Some have suggested that I could take that route to find partners but despite a few years of trying to be active in the BDSM community I never really felt fully accepted in that scene so I feel it might be the same feeling if I delve deeper into LGBT stuff even though I logically know it is *totally* different vibe and community.

I am also open to resources and support services about coming out because I also kind of feel alone and weird in this and I am open to memail.

TL;DR - I've never kissed another girl. I really, really want to at least do that. But really, I want to have sex with a woman. How does this happen?!
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (20 answers total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
Make an OKCupid account, set your preferences as looking for casual dates with women. Have fun!
posted by Jairus at 8:10 AM on March 18, 2014 [11 favorites]

Have you considered using a professional sex worker, just to see whether you really do like the physical aspect of it?
posted by Etrigan at 8:12 AM on March 18, 2014

OKcupid or a gay bar, or Craigslist casual encounters. I wouldn't suggest a sex worker when there are plenty of willing people who'll do it for free.
posted by Slinga at 8:13 AM on March 18, 2014 [2 favorites]

Are you looking to find out if you enjoy being with a woman sexually or in terms of a relationship?

If you're just curious about the physical parts and are open to a threesome, there are tons of couples that would love to find a single woman who wants to explore sex with a woman.

Otherwise OKCupid is a good place to start if the bar scene isn't really your thing.
posted by Candleman at 8:29 AM on March 18, 2014 [1 favorite]

Going into a bar alone is a pretty anxiety ridden event. Take a friend with you. You may be hit on, but everyone waits to be hit on. If you see a gal that does it for you walk up and say hello. It is all off the cuff from there.

As you have been involved in the kink community, go to events. Be they play parties or munches you are building a network of people looking to fuck and eventually you will find someone that does it for you.
posted by munchingzombie at 8:39 AM on March 18, 2014

First come out to yourself. Not as straight or bi, but as someone who is attracted to whoever you're attracted to.

And yeah, if you see someone on a dating website you wish to pursue, go for it. Explore yourself. There's absolutely no harm in learning about yourself as long as you're honest with yourself and with those you date.
posted by inturnaround at 8:53 AM on March 18, 2014 [6 favorites]

OKCupid is brilliant for this.

I would take Jairus' advice to specify that you're looking for something casual. You may also want to specify a little more granularly in your profile exactly what kind of arrangement you're looking for. I've been the "onetime hookup to see if I'm really bi or what" before. It's OK as long as both people know the score.

I don't think lesbian bars are a great place to do this unless you are a naturally extroverted and flirty person who could easily strike up a conversation with a woman you're attracted to. Especially since you most likely visually read as a straight woman -- it's unlikely that your fantasy of some lesbian making a blatant pass at you is going to happen. In general the prospect of hooking up with a woman you meet in a lesbian bar is deeply YMMV, even for someone very secure in their sexuality.

If you do decide to go to a lesbian bar, don't take a straight friend. This is going to be a guaranteed cockblock, if you'll pardon the dude-centric language.

I would not have your first queer sexual experience as the third in a threesome.

Are there even sex workers who cater to this? I've never heard of sex work outside a hetero or gay male context, and I'm in a position to be aware of such things.
posted by Sara C. at 9:02 AM on March 18, 2014 [1 favorite]

What Candleman said. If you just want to try this, joining a couple would be the single easiest way to do it; you could seriously make it happen tonight. It would also have the benefit of not playing with the heart of a lesbian/ bi woman while you're still figuring stuff out.

Downside: most women you'd meet this way would have less experience and potentially less interest in women themselves than women who are not living "straight." Their potentially lower skill and active desire could make it a less good experience for you.
posted by metasarah at 9:04 AM on March 18, 2014

Are there even sex workers who cater to this?

Of course there are. And they do a brisk trade with clients such as the OP who are looking to try things on for size before going the non-pro route.

On the non-pro side (which I think is better for many reasons): Craigslist is surprisingly good here in L.A. for this type of situation. Post an ad stating the facts -- that this would be your first time, etc. -- and sit back and watch your inbox fill up. Have fun!
posted by nacho fries at 9:19 AM on March 18, 2014

Well, let's do this the easy way.

The guys you've hooked up with before, how did that happen?

Now do the same with girls.

Otherwise, yes: Craigslist, OkCupid, or a lesbian bar with a lesbian winggal.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:00 AM on March 18, 2014 [3 favorites]

DO: make out with girls you find attractive

DON'T: Stress out about whether you are "Straight", 'Bi', 'Bi-curious', or whatever. What a huge waste of mental energy, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
posted by spatula at 10:22 AM on March 18, 2014 [11 favorites]

And since nowhere in your Ask did you mention an interest in a threesome, you don't have to play the role of unicorn in a M/F couple's fantasy just to get your first girl-girl experience. Sheesh, it's not like there is a bi-gal shortage in L.A. and you have to go begging. If one-on-one is what you want, then target that experience, and go for it.
posted by nacho fries at 10:44 AM on March 18, 2014 [4 favorites]

Don't go for hardcore lesbians right away- it's a stereotype that they distrust bis for a reason, I'm sorry to say. Get drunk with a cute chick you hang with and raise your eyebrows at her during truth or dare, "Ever kissed a girl? Are women better kissers? Be totally innocent.

I dated a bi as a bi, would recommend it, it was nice that we grokked each other and could both bitch about boys while snogging. I met her on okcupid. It was sweet.
posted by quincunx at 2:55 PM on March 18, 2014 [2 favorites]

I tend to think "bi-curious" is a kind of offensive label, because it implies that bisexuality is some kind of temporary or not-serious thing. If you find specific women attractive to the point where you would really like to have sex? You're at least bisexual. You may still prefer for any number of reasons to limit your romantic exploits to men--god knows being queer is hard, and there is such a thing as being bisexual but only heteroromantic, as well as vice versa--but if you're not actually sure if you want to have sex with someone, you probably don't. (People of generally lower sexual impulse aside.) You can be straight or gay or bisexual and still be a virgin--you don't have to have actually had sex with anybody in order to have a sexual orientation.

Which is not the same thing as saying you have to come out to anybody about it, but you are totally allowed to own this without having acted on it yet, and that may make the whole thing easier. You are totally allowed to just go on a dating/hookup site and advertise yourself as a less-experienced bisexual, rather than as word that reads as "a straight chick who wants to experiment", and it is likely to go better.
posted by Sequence at 4:56 PM on March 18, 2014 [1 favorite]

Oh, and as I'm someone who came out in my late 20s, too, if you just want somebody to talk to, you can write me. It is a really weird experience, sometimes, but I think it happens especially often with women because we're not precisely encouraged to be open and honest with ourselves about our desires when we're young. It does make life awkward, but thankfully awkwardness is not usually fatal. (Or hasn't been, yet, for me, despite my one serious relationship after that point having gone spectacularly badly.)
posted by Sequence at 4:58 PM on March 18, 2014

I am someone who for the most part identify as gay, but I am attracted to men as well. I also came out "late" in my mid twenties. I recently navigated this.

I agree with everyone above re. OkCupid. Also I love Tinder. It's easier to use than OkCupid. Only disadvantage (or advantage?) of Tinder is that you may not have the opportunity to mention your circumstances / desires upfront. And Meetup has tons of events for people like yourself.

But one thing I can't stress enough is the importance of community. Just having gay friends goes SUCH a long way in meeting in other gay women and feeling comfortable in your own skin (straight, bi, gay, whatever). I understand your reservations in opening up to your queer friends, but I would be more than happy to talk to any straight woman who was interested in exploring (especially if she was cute .... ;-) ). I think maybe you should consider talking to your queer friends because the one disadvantage of online dating is that ties are a lot looser; and you can have confusing experiences / bad dates with no-one to talk to about it. And when you meet friends of friends you are more likely to meet someone who has the same interests rather than off online!

Finally, this is quite common and more normal than you may think. You would be surprised. Since I have "come out" so many straight women have approached me, thinking they are the first. It's too bad we can't be more open about it -- but you would be surprised!

Feel free to MeFi me.
posted by pando11 at 5:11 PM on March 18, 2014 [1 favorite]

ALSO since you are in LA. You will have no problem!! There is a fantastic female queer community in LA
posted by pando11 at 5:17 PM on March 18, 2014

In addition to the above, look (on OKCupid) for bisexual women who are in open relationships. (LA has lots of them!)

We're normally experienced with casual relationships and have a lot of practice introspecting about sex/relationships and communicating about these things, too.

I (non-mono woman) did this last year. On my first lady-date, we clicked, and kissed, and were swept up in "we get along well and are totally attracted to each other", so when I got around to telling her how little experience I had dating women, it didn't really matter.

I didn't really "come out" to people, I just did whatever I was comfortable with at each given moment, and after that first lady-date, I would just be telling a story about someone I was dating, and would refer to said date as "she" instead of "he" without making a big deal about it.
posted by itesser at 6:31 PM on March 18, 2014 [2 favorites]

Come out to your queer friends! Or if you're not comfortable, make other queer friends and introduce yourself as bi. Having a queer support group is the best.
posted by Hawk V at 10:13 AM on March 19, 2014 [1 favorite]

First - congrats on coming to embrace your same-sex curiosity :) It's completely normal to feel terrified and uncertain about how to proceed. Awesome to hear you've been actively trying to figure out how to explore your sexuality with a woman and that you already have an LGBT-competent therapist . . . you're so ahead of the game!

To answer your questions concretely:

1) As others have said: OKCupid is great. Really, really great.

2) Personally, my first time exploring with a woman didn't come from the internet or a lesbian bar. It came from meeting a lesbian through friends and flirting with her. Thankfully, she flirted back. Mindblowing sex eventually ensued.

3) I wouldn't worry about "coming out to the community" quite yet. First, just explore coming out to yourself and sharing with people you're close to. This can be very frightening, but it's neccessary.

4) I also didn't find my queer friends that helpful in my coming out process. When I accepted that I was "bi-curous", I came out to my gay male friends (I didn't have lesbian friends at the time) - and they actually seemed less interested in hanging out with me than when I identified as straight. I found it very odd, and initialy painful, to not have their support and understanding, but the experience eventually helped me realize that I didn't need anyone else's approval or assistance to accept myself.

This is going to be a scary, exhilarating, fun, challenging adventure for you. That's a good thing.
posted by Gray Skies at 2:23 PM on March 29, 2014

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