Should I just crawl into bed with him?

October 16, 2007 6:59 PM

I've lived with my best friend and another good friend for 3 years. I've known them for 7--since we were freshmen in college. I've come to the conclusion that I'm bisexual, and that I have a bit of a crush on my best friend. I'm having trouble telling him that I'm not straight. I've read everyone's advice not to tell him I'm crushing on him, because there is a good chance that would be messy. What is a good way to tell him that I'm bi though?

Here is the thing. I own a very expensive rally race car with him. He's my best friend and very important to me (maybe I'm crazy). Not to mention that we're in a long term racing team together.

Also, he's gone off on gay people a few times. Example [I'm out to dinner with him and his mom]: "I think gay people are mentally ill. Homosexuality is a mental illness. Why else would people not be attracted to someone who would allow them to breed. Now I don't have a PROBLEM with gay people, I just have no respect for them and thing they're mentally ill."

He is constantly saying things like, "God, I hope people don't think we're fags" when we're out together.

But then he tells me that he hopes he can get a blow job if we go out, "preferably" from a woman.

My gay friend says that I should just go crawl into bed with him and give him a b/j. I started to broach the subject via email, and he just responded that he wouldn't be sucked into my "drama queen" thing.

Any ideas on how to get the courage up, but also to do it in a way where he won't just feel like I have him cornered? I think I have to do it.

posted by rocket_johnny to human relations (32 comments total)

What are you hoping to get out of this situation? Sex? A romantic relationship? A deeper friendship? That will determine the course of action in this matter.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:06 PM on October 16, 2007 [1 favorite]

I don't really have any advice on the subject, but from his previous reactions to the subject, I'd say you're more likely to get punched in the face rather than get a kiss. Not to say he's entirely straight too, but history should give you a good indication of future reactions.
posted by shinynewnick at 7:09 PM on October 16, 2007

I'd like to get laid. I think he's great. He's already my best friend and we do almost everything together anyway--so why not expand what we have. I would be cool with romance also--if we're sexually compatible. If he's not into it, I'd rather just be best friends and not have this tension because I'm being insane and delusional in my free daydreams.
posted by rocket_johnny at 7:12 PM on October 16, 2007

looks like you've answered your question... based on your description of his comments, he's either "not into it" or very deep into the closet and unlikely to respond as you desire he would...

I'm guessing that you'll screw up the friendship if you pursue this...
posted by HuronBob at 7:16 PM on October 16, 2007

He sounds like the type that might not be down with a bi BFF, much less a boyfriend. You might wanna keep this one to yourself.

OR

Get him drunk and see what happens?
posted by k8t at 7:17 PM on October 16, 2007

Good news: I think your friend is gay.

Bad news: he's the kind of deep, deep denial gay who hates himself so much that he has lots of hate stored up to unleash on you. If you come out to him, I think he's going to massively freak out on you.

Unless the quotes you provided above were said in a deeply ironic tone, please be careful with this guy.
posted by lemuria at 7:22 PM on October 16, 2007

I have a private theory that like sexuality tends to find like, and your friend is so vocal on being gay because he's squashing his tendencies. You'd mess up the friendship if you mentioned it, most likely. I think he has too much homophobia at the moment to cope if he is bi as well.

That being said, wait until he's ragging off on 'non-functional gays!' and ask him what a bi person would be, since their homosexuality does not preclude making babies. If you must tell him, make your attack then, and don't mention the crush bit.
posted by Phalene at 7:24 PM on October 16, 2007

His comments are harsh and somewhat confusing. He may very well be gay, but if you value the friendship I would give up the idea of crawling into bed with him. From the sounds of it, it may not go over well.

I started to broach the subject via email, and he just responded that he wouldn't be sucked into my "drama queen" thing.

This sounds like a brush off.

There is really no need to tell him you are bisexual at this time. If your motive is to tell him you are bi so you can jump in the sack with him I would rethink this. He may be in the closet, but he doesn't seem receptive.

But then he tells me that he hopes he can get a blow job if we go out, "preferably" from a woman.

Is he kidding when he says preferably? Does he prefer women as far as you know? Has he had relationships with women? Is he joking in the sense of: "Gosh this hospital is in chaos. Preferably a surgeon will be removing my appendix and not the janitor."
posted by LoriFLA at 7:25 PM on October 16, 2007 [1 favorite]

I'd tread carefully coming out to the guy much less coming on to him. Maybe he's way in the closet. Maybe he's straight. But whatever he is I suspect hopping in bed with him and giving him a BJ will be disastrous and possibly even dangerous. Even if he's in to the moment, for whatever reason, I bet the second he comes his face will change from ecstasy to horror, and quickly.

So find another guy to have fun with and be strictly friends only with your buddy.
posted by 6550 at 7:27 PM on October 16, 2007 [3 favorites]

Not to advocate closeting here, but I would be very careful about how you approach him, if at all. It sounds like he might have compatible feelings, and maybe you're sensing that. On the other hand, he's also signaling that he's not at all comfortable with whatever feelings he might have, and may well react quite badly.

If it were "only" a friendship at stake, this would be like the myriad "should I tell her I like her that way" questions -- with the added dimension of possible homophobia. But he is also your roommate, and so a blowup would be messy . . . and I think being sexually propositioned by a roommate is always kinda tension-inducing. It sounds like the race team thing makes that even worse.

I have no idea how you raised this in an email, though, so maybe you know what you're doing, or can't help trying. Good luck, in any event.

P.S. Personally, I would have a pretty high degree of confidence that the feelings were reciprocal before crawling into bed with him and giving him a B/J. If the approach is not desired, that's pretty invasive.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 7:30 PM on October 16, 2007

If I were your friend I would tell you to move out, find a boyfriend to experiment with and when you have a little emotional distance and perspective then you can tell him that you're dating guys. If he's interested in something with you, at that point he might come on to you. But, really, it seems to me like moving a "best friends" relationship to a sexual relationship doesn't often work out in the best of situations. This doesn't sound like a good situation and it sounds like you need a little distance from this guy.
posted by amanda at 7:40 PM on October 16, 2007 [1 favorite]

You're young and single. There are as many willing partners as you can imagine outside of your apartment. Big sea, many fish.

Jumping him is not going to work, and will be really fucking embarrassing. Or, okay, it does work...and then you get the full denial treatment afterwards, which will be worse and more painful than what you are currently feeling while crushing on your best friend.

Explanations for some of those comments? He suspects you're not so straight and is conflicted about this.
posted by desuetude at 7:45 PM on October 16, 2007

But then he tells me that he hopes he can get a blow job if we go out, "preferably" from a woman.

I'm not you, and I don't know your friend, but this comes off as purely a joke, and not some form of "clue" or "hint" that he wouldn't mind a blow job from a man. Especially, when taken into consideration with the prior statements, which seem to imply that he doesn't like homosexuals, but doesn't want to be stigmatized as a homophobe.

I agree with Phalene. If he seems to accept bisexuals, then if you must, come out to him about that. However, don't make any mention of a crush and for God's sake, doesn't crawl under his covers during the night. That won't just hurt the friendship, it'll vaporize it into specs of nothingness.
posted by Atreides at 7:45 PM on October 16, 2007 [2 favorites]

The fact that you say you've just come to the conclusion you're bisexual makes me believe you've never had any sexual or romantic experience with men. If that is true, the situation you describe, with your roommate best friend who is gay or homophobic (or both!), would probably not be a good place to start exploring your homosexual side.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:46 PM on October 16, 2007 [1 favorite]

Friendship is harder to come by than a sexual relationship (or fling) is. Be sure you know what you are giving up if you decide to pursue the sexual aspect of this. Better to have a good friend for life than a good fling for a night, methinks.
posted by foobario at 7:51 PM on October 16, 2007

I vote for probably gay and probably unavailable.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:55 PM on October 16, 2007

I don't mean to be rude, but I have a really hard time believing that you could possibly think it's even the littlest bit sensible to try to jump in bed with someone who is a) your best friend, b) your roommate, and c) homophobic. This probably has to do with being closeted; being closeted can make you nuts. But this is a TERRIBLE idea.

But then he tells me that he hopes he can get a blow job if we go out, "preferably" from a woman.

As has been noted earlier, this is a joke. He doesn't mean this. Or, anyway, there's less than a 1% chance that he means this. Yes, the homophobia might be evidence that he's closeted and in denial, but come on. I would say the chance that you coming out to him will lead to him coming out to you is 0%. Seriously - 0%. Based on the information you provide.

If you're only bi for him, then the sooner you accept it's not gonna happen, the better. If you're bi for other guys, come out of the closet and date somebody who is openly bi (or gay).

As for coming out to him, you should move out of the apartment/house first. Then do it. If he's homophobic, then yeah, he may take it badly; you'll have to weigh whether that risk is worth it to you or not.
posted by fugitivefromchaingang at 7:58 PM on October 16, 2007

If my roommate crawled into my bed and started giving me a blowjob, I'd kick his ass, and I like guys. It's borderline sexual assault.

Your roommate is straight, and he is a homophobe. I advocate closeting for your personal physical safety. When he finds out you like guys, he will think about every time you two went out together, sat next to each other, walked around in nothing but a towel, etc, and there is an good chance that he will feel betrayed, scared, pissed, and possibly even violent.

Please, please, please stay closeted until you find a different place to live. Even then, I would avoid coming out to this particular friend. It's not always worth it.

Good luck.
posted by sondrialiac at 8:02 PM on October 16, 2007 [2 favorites]

Coming out to this guy while you are living with him is a disaster waiting to happen; I'm shocked you're even considering it.

If you really, really think you need to pursue this at least have the decency to move out first! This would be true if you were a mixed straight couple as well.

Making serious passes at your roommates with no warning in a previously happily platonic relationship = not cool.
posted by Justinian at 9:00 PM on October 16, 2007

I hope you're not serious about the blowjob thing. It's fun to fantasize about, I'll admit, but even if he were, deep down, gay or bicurious, he's not going to react in any way that's going to be to your liking if you just crawl into his bed. From what you've written, he's too deeply mired in homophobia to expect anything else, really.

To be frank, I don't see any outcome that leads to a relationship. I can see you getting laid as a slim possibility—with the help of a lot of vodka—but the damage to your friendship and your emotional well-being would be deep and long-lasting. So leave those as daydreams, okay?

But lets get to actually coming out to him, which is what you should be thinking about doing first before you even consider telling him about your feelings. First, you'll have to decide for yourself if just being out to him will be a problem for him. I don't think he's likely to become violent with you should you come out to him, but what you've written does give me enough pause where I couldn't guarantee it. That's something you need to mull over. If you can, you may want to see if you can get him talking about those mentally ill gays more, to see how deep his homophobia runs.

Second, I would definitely not volunteer to him that you've been crushing on him when you do come out. Even if he's just peachy about you being bi—which is entirely possible—you're also his roommate. That's way too messy a situation in and of itself, before you add the "bi", "expensive rally car" and "best friend" into the equation. I guess that would be another vote for finding a new place to live, though this vote is more for your emotional well-being than your physical safety.

Third, you may want to consider the reasons why you are crushing on him. A lot of it could be because you don't have a lot of contact with romantically/sexually available men. I don't know how out you are—you said you have a gay friend that you're out to—but you'll probably have to widen your social circle if you want to stop crushing on men who are close to you but are sexually unavailable. That doesn't necessitate you outing yourself per se, but it does help.

Fourth, I don't think he would be a great person to start coming out to anyway. Don't you have other, more gay-friendly friends you can confide in? Seeing how you are closely-tied to your best friend—emotionally and financially—you'll need some sort of support system should coming out to him backfire. And it would probably be better for the friends you do go to to have a reason why your ex-best friend and former roommate suddenly won't take your calls should things turn out for the worst. Plus, if he is the type of guy that wouldn't take you coming out to him well, he probably isn't going to be discreet about your sexuality. Better they hear it from you than him.

As for the act of actually coming out: I don't have any good advice beyond the clichés, I'm sad to admit, but I'll outsource this work to the Human Rights Council, which has a page about coming out as a Bisexual and a general resource guide that you can peruse for its recommended reading. Google will also be your best friend.

Hope that helps a little.
posted by Weebot at 9:03 PM on October 16, 2007 [1 favorite]

I think you need to look at this pragmatically. Whether he's fiercely straight and homophobic or he's gay and in denial, he is not likely to react well to you coming out. On the off-chance that he's gay, he might come around eventually, but in the meantime, you've thrown your entire life into chaos as he pushes you away. Think about it: your friendship will be strained, he'll likely want you out of his home, and your shared business could be in tattered.

Even if he is gay, there's no guarantee that he'd be interested in you sexually -- you're his best friend, after all, and that's a major turn-off for a lot of people. That would introduce a whole new level of tension to your relationship, and quite likely would alter your friendship for the worse.
posted by me3dia at 9:04 PM on October 16, 2007

Oh mate.

DON'T SCREW THE CREW.

No matter what their sex or yours, this carries high risk. Whether you succeed or fail your friendship is unlikely to survive as a friendship.

Find some other guy you fancy who really is hot for your action.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 9:04 PM on October 16, 2007

we do almost everything together anyway--so why not expand what we have.

Ah, I remember being newly queer. Watch out for that wishful thinking, rocket_johnny. It can really cloud your judgment. "Wanting the one you can't have" is so common in queer folks it's a fucking cliche. You'd be much better off focusing on folks you know are gay, rather than trying to have sex with a best friend who's making homophobic cracks all the time.

But that doesn't mean you should give up. Start small, by responding to his homophobic comments with "Ah, it doesn't bother me. What's the big deal if two guys or two girls get off together?" or something. See how he reacts to that and go from there. It really seems like you've got a ways to go before you can come out to him comfortably, let alone jump into bed and suck him off. Jeez. That really is your dick thinking for you. Don't let that happen if you care about this friendship.

sondrialiac: Please, please, please stay closeted until you find a different place to live. Even then, I would avoid coming out to this particular friend.

I disagree completely about not coming out to him at all, and disagree somewhat about the need to move out first. It might be messy if he really freaks out (and it sounds like there's a very good chance he will), and you should be prepared for a period of adjustment that may involve strong negative emotions on his part. It will hurt - a lot - if that happens. But friends usually do adjust and accept, sometimes faster than you think. If you keep your brains out of your dick long enough to come out to him intelligently and respectfully, you just might salvage the friendship, maybe even long enough to suck his dick sometime in the future. But good lord, don't *start* with that, and certainly don't make the continued friendship dependent on that possibility. At that point, you're the one being a jerk.
posted by mediareport at 9:20 PM on October 16, 2007 [2 favorites]

There is a difference between coming out and wanting to have sex and a relationship with him. If you want to come out with him bring a guy home. Go date some guys see how you feel with a guy who is looking for something.
posted by jade east at 12:47 AM on October 17, 2007

IANAH...

There is only a chance that he's closeted, and being his first will probably ruin your friendship with him if he is that firmly in the closet. Think of it as you would dating someone rebounding from a really intense breakup. You don't want to be the rebound. Similarly, I don't thing you want to be taking a friend you value forcibly out of the closet.

If life were like a movie, I'd suggest a cunning plan to use a third party to tease him out of the closet. But life isn't like a movie, and you shouldn't try and make that kind of decision for others.

Also, I've known people who straight identify except for one particular friend, and no others. Not to say I know your sexual identity, but make sure you are actually attracted to guys before experimenting. It could be the intensity of your friendship that makes you feel that way about him.
posted by BrotherCaine at 2:27 AM on October 17, 2007

I too was once in love with a Narnian. Seriously, madly, deeply. For over a year. I told him how I felt about him one night when he was a bit drunk. It ended with him moving out of the area, and changing jobs. And that actually went pretty well, considering that he could have told everyone at my place of work (we worked together) and our mutual circle of friends.

If you really want to come out to him, be prepared to a] get out of the room quickly, b] make arrangements to live somewhere else, and c] lose his friendship entirely.

A] He might need some space. He might get violent. I don't know either of you, so this is all supposition. But people can and do throw punches when they're upset. I'm just saying.

B] I know it's going to tear your heart out, but looking for somewhere else to live just in case might be a good idea. He might kick you out, or generally make life so unlivable for you where you are that you see no other option but to leave. It's best to be prepared to be prepared.

C] He might want out of your life (or you out of his) completely. Are you prepared to never see him again? Could you cope with losing a really good friend?

It seems to you he's in the closet. Woohoo! Umm, actually, not woohoo. He's in the closet (assuming that he actually is in the closet) for a reason. And he's made it pretty clear he doesn't like gay people. It's one thing to see a gay person on the street - it's quite another to have that gay person in your bathroom, kitchen, hallway, etc. One you can walk away from, the other you can't. You coming out to him might force him to deal with something that he really doesn't want to deal with (again, assuming he's gay). He might be self loathing about his sexuality. He might not want to face it. He might not even be gay.

Obligatory link to The Straight Person's Guide to Queer Etiquette. There's a lot of good reading material in there, for straight and gay people. Especially see the section entitled "The Crush-induced coming out".

This could all work out for you, and you may go skipping off into the sunset hand in hand. And if that happens, know I'll be metafilter-green with envy. Just be prepared that it might not work out like that.

Good luck!
posted by Solomon at 3:13 AM on October 17, 2007 [1 favorite]

Hey all, thanks for the advice. I guess you're right, probably should keep it to myself. I just feel like it is past the point where I can do it anymore. I want to go insane because I'm sick of not being open with someone really important to me.

I can't look for another place to live, because I own the house, and he pays me rent. I guess it might be bad if your best friend/landlord crawled into the sac with you.

When I get drunk I get dumb and usually end up telling him that I love him. When he thinks I'm drunk enough not to remember he hugs me and tells me he loves me too. If I'm too drunk and tell him I don't want him to apply for jobs 3 hours away he tells me to go to bed because I'm "acting like a girl" (he says it like it is really bad). He buys me things like expensive banjos and stuff for my birthday (my sister is always like, "is he your girlfriend, geeze").

"Also, I've known people who straight identify except for one particular friend, and no others."

I haven't had a lot of feelings for other guys. In fact, 99% of the male persons I meet are entirely not attractive in any manner except for friendship. But like 90% of the women I meet fall into the same category.

I told two of my straight friends (one male and one female), and they were just like, "uh, okay" and life moved on. The guy is good friends with my best friend, and I told him about the crush and he just thinks it would be "really hot". The girl just sets me up with her girlfriends and says that I need THAT.

Argh. But I'm f-ed up and don't want to date these other girls/boys that I think are way not as attractive as him...so I'm affecting my relationships because I guess I might be mentally ill.
posted by rocket_johnny at 4:33 AM on October 17, 2007

rocket_johnny, I seriously doubt you're mentally ill. "I'm sick of not being open with someone really important to me" doesn't sound like mental illness; it sounds like mental health. Again, it's very common among gay people to feel that way before coming out. Hell, it's exactly why I came out to my father and brother.

But you're still confusing coming out to him with coming *on* to him. The second one would almost certainly be a mistake - even more so since you're his landlord, too. The first, though, well, you're kind of in a strong position for that. Just be prepared for that period of adjustment, and don't make it worse by immediately telling him you want to suck his dick.

And dude, you really need to go to places where a wide range of gay guys hang out. Trust me, your probably-straight best friend is not the only guy on earth you're gonna be attracted to. It's also possible you're feeling your own kind of internalized homophobia (another thing that's pretty common, actually), which may be part of the reason you're rejecting other gay people so entirely.
posted by mediareport at 5:17 AM on October 17, 2007

You live together, he obviously isn't ready to come out of the closet (assuming he is gay to begin with), and furthermore the risks of failure here are significant, and would likely have very bad results for both of you. Don't shit where you eat, go out and try to find other people, you would be suprised how much less you are obsessed with him once you have put a few vagina's(or dicks) between you and him.
posted by BobbyDigital at 7:42 AM on October 17, 2007

You're not mentally ill, you're horny. There are a million people in the world as cute as your friend, your job is to go and find them and sleep with them (safely). Enjoy.
posted by sondrialiac at 8:14 AM on October 17, 2007

"I think gay people are mentally ill. Homosexuality is a mental illness. Why else would people not be attracted to someone who would allow them to breed. Now I don't have a PROBLEM with gay people, I just have no respect for them and thing they're mentally ill."

He is constantly saying things like, "God, I hope people don't think we're fags"

25 bucks here say he's deeply closeted and in denial about his hunger for teh cock. I say you make a pass at him when you're alone, possibly at night, you have good chances that he'll allow you to, you know,
posted by matteo at 8:35 AM on October 17, 2007

you know what I mean
posted by matteo at 8:36 AM on October 17, 2007