Pregnancy announcement at work
November 24, 2013 8:48 AM Subscribe
You all have helped me out with scripting a number of workplace situations, including lay-off, being hired, and sadly telling HR that I would not need maternity leave (which I asked anonymously, but no longer care if it became known). Plus, I've learned a lot from others' questions. So I'm hoping you can help me out again with telling my brand new employer that I am newly pregnant.
I started this job at the end of September, and found out I was pregnant almost immediately. I didn't even think about telling right away because I've had several prior miscarriages (it's not just at work; we haven't told a soul in real life yet). Now, it's looking like we may have gotten lucky, and I'm thinking we'll get to keep this one. So, I need to tell my new boss soon, both for propriety and because it's probably not going to be possible to hide within a few weeks, maybe a month, max.
Complications: I'm a recent hire, it's a small office, less than ten people. It's also an open office, not even a conference room for a private conversation. And my boss is out of the office at meetings more than he's in, and I don't know his schedule. Making an appointment seems odd and overly dramatic to me, but I guess it may turn out to be necessary. However, on Tuesday, I'll probably be driving to a site with my boss and one co-worker. Is there any reason this wouldn't be a good time to tell? I don't mind my co- worker knowing.
Also... how to put it? Advice I've read is to only couch it as good news, but I do feel slightly apologetic about it. I mean, I'm not sure I would have been hired if he'd been able to see the future and know that I'd be needing so much time off so soon. Not just maternity leave, but midwife appointments and all. I'll make up any time I miss during a work week, but I will need more flexibility than I'd normally ask for, especially being so new. No question of FMLA even if I'd been there a year due to office size. I'd like to take 12 weeks off anyway, unpaid, and come back to work full time. I'm hoping this will be an option. I'm certainly hoping to work until I need to take leave, even if they need to replace me at that time... Anyway, I can see how from his perspective this may not be exactly wonderful news.
It is for me... I mean, we'd tried under better life-work circumstances, but between the recession and the miscarriages, the stars just didn't align perfectly for us. And I'm 40, so we're kind of slipping in under the wire here. I'm thrilled that it looks like we'll get to be parents, however the work chips fall, but I'm hoping you'll give me some tips to help them fall in a favorable way...
I started this job at the end of September, and found out I was pregnant almost immediately. I didn't even think about telling right away because I've had several prior miscarriages (it's not just at work; we haven't told a soul in real life yet). Now, it's looking like we may have gotten lucky, and I'm thinking we'll get to keep this one. So, I need to tell my new boss soon, both for propriety and because it's probably not going to be possible to hide within a few weeks, maybe a month, max.
Complications: I'm a recent hire, it's a small office, less than ten people. It's also an open office, not even a conference room for a private conversation. And my boss is out of the office at meetings more than he's in, and I don't know his schedule. Making an appointment seems odd and overly dramatic to me, but I guess it may turn out to be necessary. However, on Tuesday, I'll probably be driving to a site with my boss and one co-worker. Is there any reason this wouldn't be a good time to tell? I don't mind my co- worker knowing.
Also... how to put it? Advice I've read is to only couch it as good news, but I do feel slightly apologetic about it. I mean, I'm not sure I would have been hired if he'd been able to see the future and know that I'd be needing so much time off so soon. Not just maternity leave, but midwife appointments and all. I'll make up any time I miss during a work week, but I will need more flexibility than I'd normally ask for, especially being so new. No question of FMLA even if I'd been there a year due to office size. I'd like to take 12 weeks off anyway, unpaid, and come back to work full time. I'm hoping this will be an option. I'm certainly hoping to work until I need to take leave, even if they need to replace me at that time... Anyway, I can see how from his perspective this may not be exactly wonderful news.
It is for me... I mean, we'd tried under better life-work circumstances, but between the recession and the miscarriages, the stars just didn't align perfectly for us. And I'm 40, so we're kind of slipping in under the wire here. I'm thrilled that it looks like we'll get to be parents, however the work chips fall, but I'm hoping you'll give me some tips to help them fall in a favorable way...
You're what, 3 months? I would not disclose it until you start to show. Be good to your employer, make lists of tasks processes, etc. Document what you do and how you do, and where things are. When you do tell your boss, try to find a quiet time, and ask your boss to go out for coffee with you. Give her the news, and tell her your plans, and that you're working to make sure your work is up-to-date and documented.
I was self-employed and had to be available to work part-time, and that was fine, so consider the option of coming back part-time.
Congratulations!
posted by theora55 at 9:03 AM on November 24, 2013 [3 favorites]
I was self-employed and had to be available to work part-time, and that was fine, so consider the option of coming back part-time.
Congratulations!
posted by theora55 at 9:03 AM on November 24, 2013 [3 favorites]
and because it's probably not going to be possible to hide within a few weeks, maybe a month, max
Just wanted to point out that you're way more aware of this than your coworkers will be. One of my coworkers was pregnant and was sure everyone on the team had figured it out. The reality was that no one who hadn't been specifically told had figured it out. So if you want to wait longer to tell your boss, you probably have more time than you think you do!
Also, would it be possible to ask your boss to meet at a Starbucks (or someplace similar) outside the office for the conversation? That's not really private either, but at least everyone else is a stranger who's ignoring you, rather than a coworker.
posted by Blue Jello Elf at 9:20 AM on November 24, 2013 [3 favorites]
Just wanted to point out that you're way more aware of this than your coworkers will be. One of my coworkers was pregnant and was sure everyone on the team had figured it out. The reality was that no one who hadn't been specifically told had figured it out. So if you want to wait longer to tell your boss, you probably have more time than you think you do!
Also, would it be possible to ask your boss to meet at a Starbucks (or someplace similar) outside the office for the conversation? That's not really private either, but at least everyone else is a stranger who's ignoring you, rather than a coworker.
posted by Blue Jello Elf at 9:20 AM on November 24, 2013 [3 favorites]
I mean, I'm not sure I would have been hired if he'd been able to see the future and know that I'd be needing so much time off so soon.
Just FYI, if indeed they had made that decision for those reasons, it would have been blatantly illegal employment discrimination. So if you really think that's the way it would have gone, don't feel bad, feel good that you helped them avoid violating federal law.
posted by KathrynT at 9:46 AM on November 24, 2013 [3 favorites]
Just FYI, if indeed they had made that decision for those reasons, it would have been blatantly illegal employment discrimination. So if you really think that's the way it would have gone, don't feel bad, feel good that you helped them avoid violating federal law.
posted by KathrynT at 9:46 AM on November 24, 2013 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I see from your profile that you're in a cold weather location. You will absolutely be able to hide a second trimester bump under baggy maternity shirts, cardigans, sweaters, etc. To someone who has only known you a few months, you may look like you had a big lunch or that you're a little bloated but it won't be undeniable to anyone who isn't you or someone who has known you for a long time for a while yet.
My first pregnancy, I didn't "show" at all until 17wks and - in the oh so misguided words of a friend - looked like I could "just be fat" until about 25wks. This was in winter in New England, so even then, I was usually pretty bundled up. I'm currently 13wks in my second pregnancy and while I am "showing" a little bit and my old clothes don't fit... when I'm wearing loose fitting maternity shirts or layers, you can't tell at all. If you haven't bought maternity clothes and are still squeezing into your old things, get some new shirts at the very least. You'll be much more covered and the bump won't be nearly as obvious.
Just putting it out there to help ease your mind that there is less pressure to get the news out NOW. It sounds like you really feel like you need to tell your boss, which you should absolutely do privately. Make an appointment, have the conversation as privately as you can. Absolutely it's good news and don't apologize for it. You have six+ months to hammer out the details, you can absolutely work this out.
Congrats!
posted by sonika at 9:53 AM on November 24, 2013 [2 favorites]
My first pregnancy, I didn't "show" at all until 17wks and - in the oh so misguided words of a friend - looked like I could "just be fat" until about 25wks. This was in winter in New England, so even then, I was usually pretty bundled up. I'm currently 13wks in my second pregnancy and while I am "showing" a little bit and my old clothes don't fit... when I'm wearing loose fitting maternity shirts or layers, you can't tell at all. If you haven't bought maternity clothes and are still squeezing into your old things, get some new shirts at the very least. You'll be much more covered and the bump won't be nearly as obvious.
Just putting it out there to help ease your mind that there is less pressure to get the news out NOW. It sounds like you really feel like you need to tell your boss, which you should absolutely do privately. Make an appointment, have the conversation as privately as you can. Absolutely it's good news and don't apologize for it. You have six+ months to hammer out the details, you can absolutely work this out.
Congrats!
posted by sonika at 9:53 AM on November 24, 2013 [2 favorites]
First of all, congratulations!
I wouldn't tell the boss on the drive to the site, because even if you don't mind the coworker knowing, I think your boss should be told first (in your office) and alone. If you don't have many opportunities to see your boss, I think it's a-okay to ask to chat with him one-on-one whenever he has the time (make sure he knows it's about something good, not bad, when you set up the talk).
As for when, I'd wait a bit, but not too long. You don't want the boss to guess based on your growing belly before you have a chance to tell him, and I think (more importantly) that telling him on the sooner side will be seen as in good faith and help him see this is good news rather than something that is only going to affect his business. So tell him soon-ish (but only when you're comfortable).
When you meet with him, be prepared to discuss your plans for: maternity leave (tell him up front how much you want), your transition plan (how you will hand off your assignments in the months leading up to the birth), and any other details that are relevant to your position. Seeing you prepared will set his mind at ease if he is worried about the business. Don't apologize explicitly, but it's okay to say, "I know this is all very soon and somewhat inconvenient, so I've carefully planned how I can make this as easy on the company as possible. Here are some of my ideas."
Again, congrats!
posted by schroedingersgirl at 10:01 AM on November 24, 2013
I wouldn't tell the boss on the drive to the site, because even if you don't mind the coworker knowing, I think your boss should be told first (in your office) and alone. If you don't have many opportunities to see your boss, I think it's a-okay to ask to chat with him one-on-one whenever he has the time (make sure he knows it's about something good, not bad, when you set up the talk).
As for when, I'd wait a bit, but not too long. You don't want the boss to guess based on your growing belly before you have a chance to tell him, and I think (more importantly) that telling him on the sooner side will be seen as in good faith and help him see this is good news rather than something that is only going to affect his business. So tell him soon-ish (but only when you're comfortable).
When you meet with him, be prepared to discuss your plans for: maternity leave (tell him up front how much you want), your transition plan (how you will hand off your assignments in the months leading up to the birth), and any other details that are relevant to your position. Seeing you prepared will set his mind at ease if he is worried about the business. Don't apologize explicitly, but it's okay to say, "I know this is all very soon and somewhat inconvenient, so I've carefully planned how I can make this as easy on the company as possible. Here are some of my ideas."
Again, congrats!
posted by schroedingersgirl at 10:01 AM on November 24, 2013
Yeah, don't underestimate the cluelessness of your coworkers :) People didn't think I looked pregnant until I was 20 weeks along, and that was in JULY - and I'd been wearing maternity pants for at least a month. With a sweater of any kind, I bet nobody will be the wiser. I totally thought that by 15 weeks people would take one look at me and know, but not a single person guessed.
posted by Cygnet at 10:13 AM on November 24, 2013
posted by Cygnet at 10:13 AM on November 24, 2013
Best answer: Please do not make this kind of announcement or declaration, especially not in the car. Doing right by your employer means doing the stuff that theora55 talked about - documenting processes, etc. The only reason you'd be talking about your pregnancy would be if you'd already done it and now needed to change expectations, as in that other question.
To put this in another kind of perspective: the FMLA (*) says that I, the HR person, have the right to learn you need to use your FMLA time a whopping 30 days in advance of when you need it. Not six months. I agree that sooner-than-that is probably advantageous from a "politeness" standpoint, but I also don't think that you need to take that sort of action for at least another month or two. Six months is an eternity in most businesses.
And yeah, most people won't notice for a good long time anyway. But even if they do, this is information about you which they don't have a magical right to.
(*) I include the FMLA thing merely to point out that this is what a few hundred members of Congress all agreed sounded reasonable enough basically. You are correct that you do not have FMLA protection in that size of firm. But BTW check to see what rights Massachusetts may give you, if that's actually where you are.
posted by SMPA at 10:44 AM on November 24, 2013
To put this in another kind of perspective: the FMLA (*) says that I, the HR person, have the right to learn you need to use your FMLA time a whopping 30 days in advance of when you need it. Not six months. I agree that sooner-than-that is probably advantageous from a "politeness" standpoint, but I also don't think that you need to take that sort of action for at least another month or two. Six months is an eternity in most businesses.
And yeah, most people won't notice for a good long time anyway. But even if they do, this is information about you which they don't have a magical right to.
(*) I include the FMLA thing merely to point out that this is what a few hundred members of Congress all agreed sounded reasonable enough basically. You are correct that you do not have FMLA protection in that size of firm. But BTW check to see what rights Massachusetts may give you, if that's actually where you are.
posted by SMPA at 10:44 AM on November 24, 2013
Definitely don't do it on this car trip. In addition to reasons brought up by others, even if you don't mind your coworker finding out about your pregnancy, they may find it really awkward to be in the middle of that boss-just-finding-out conversation.
posted by ktkt at 12:17 PM on November 24, 2013
posted by ktkt at 12:17 PM on November 24, 2013
Another vote for disclosing when you start to show. Three months is way too early. And find a private place; either ask to go for a walk or something like that.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 12:49 PM on November 24, 2013
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 12:49 PM on November 24, 2013
You are an adult having a business conversation with your boss - make a lunch or coffee appointment with him. In January or February.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:40 PM on November 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by DarlingBri at 1:40 PM on November 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
Ugh I hate these "open offices" without even a conference room. Some things need privacy!
Ask the boss to have a quick coffee or lunch meeting off-site.
Also I wanted to echo that it will take far longer for you to "show" to other people than yourself. My coworker told us she was pregnant pretty early, and would complain that she felt *huge* but I could not tell at all, and she is a tiny person so I would think that even a few pounds would be mega-obvious.
posted by radioamy at 1:48 PM on November 24, 2013
Ask the boss to have a quick coffee or lunch meeting off-site.
Also I wanted to echo that it will take far longer for you to "show" to other people than yourself. My coworker told us she was pregnant pretty early, and would complain that she felt *huge* but I could not tell at all, and she is a tiny person so I would think that even a few pounds would be mega-obvious.
posted by radioamy at 1:48 PM on November 24, 2013
Congratulations!
Yes, take your boss out for a coffee break and tell her/him then. I told my boss very early on, but that was because I was hellishly sick and wanted to give him the heads' up as to why I might be dodging out of a meeting or two. I confided in a couple of coworkers I am close with around 16 weeks and the rest eventually figured it out.
posted by medeine at 2:31 PM on November 24, 2013
Yes, take your boss out for a coffee break and tell her/him then. I told my boss very early on, but that was because I was hellishly sick and wanted to give him the heads' up as to why I might be dodging out of a meeting or two. I confided in a couple of coworkers I am close with around 16 weeks and the rest eventually figured it out.
posted by medeine at 2:31 PM on November 24, 2013
Best answer: First off, congratulations!
I run an office about your size (but I am not your boss; we have a conference room). Family leave is a fact of business life. Married couples are going to have children, that's the way it works. Your boss should be able to take this in stride. Pregnant now, when you're new, or pregnant later, when your role may be more key, doesn't really make that much difference, because there are six months (or whatever) to plan how this will work.
I know. I've had lots of practice. Four women on my staff started families within the last 13 years. They all still work for me, and I am glad to know all six kids, who range in age from one to 12. And the thing is, in my experience anyway, motherhood tends to make young women mature faster than otherwise, making them more valuable employees.
For what it's worth, I don't care when a staff member tells me she's pregnant. It's none of my business until she's comfortable sharing the news with me, and when she does I'm never less than delighted. (Any boss who tries to make you feel bad about having a baby--even as a new employee--is an asshole.)
Similarly, I make no judgments about anyone taking lawful unpaid leave. My new mothers tend to take the maximum, and, frankly, I pretty much think, who wouldn't? It's kind of a no-brainer.
If I were your boss, sure, I'd appreciate maybe a passing "this was unexpected," since you're so new, but it wouldn't be that important.
I think when you do decide to share your news that you should place less emphasis on being new and more emphasis on the long term contribution you hope to make in the years to come.
Finally, I cannot offer advice about the venue for delivering the news. My office has a door, and believe me, when a staff person closes it behind her and says, "Do you have a minute?" the answer is yes, and she has my full attention.
posted by Short Attention Sp at 2:56 PM on November 24, 2013 [6 favorites]
I run an office about your size (but I am not your boss; we have a conference room). Family leave is a fact of business life. Married couples are going to have children, that's the way it works. Your boss should be able to take this in stride. Pregnant now, when you're new, or pregnant later, when your role may be more key, doesn't really make that much difference, because there are six months (or whatever) to plan how this will work.
I know. I've had lots of practice. Four women on my staff started families within the last 13 years. They all still work for me, and I am glad to know all six kids, who range in age from one to 12. And the thing is, in my experience anyway, motherhood tends to make young women mature faster than otherwise, making them more valuable employees.
For what it's worth, I don't care when a staff member tells me she's pregnant. It's none of my business until she's comfortable sharing the news with me, and when she does I'm never less than delighted. (Any boss who tries to make you feel bad about having a baby--even as a new employee--is an asshole.)
Similarly, I make no judgments about anyone taking lawful unpaid leave. My new mothers tend to take the maximum, and, frankly, I pretty much think, who wouldn't? It's kind of a no-brainer.
If I were your boss, sure, I'd appreciate maybe a passing "this was unexpected," since you're so new, but it wouldn't be that important.
I think when you do decide to share your news that you should place less emphasis on being new and more emphasis on the long term contribution you hope to make in the years to come.
Finally, I cannot offer advice about the venue for delivering the news. My office has a door, and believe me, when a staff person closes it behind her and says, "Do you have a minute?" the answer is yes, and she has my full attention.
posted by Short Attention Sp at 2:56 PM on November 24, 2013 [6 favorites]
I would wait until after the holidays to tell anyone, you're going to feel huge but not really look much different to anyone until 16 or so weeks. If anyone does notice you've put on weight they'll probably just chalk it up to the holidays.
(I'm giving you this advice as someone who has lost three pregnancies, waiting until 15+ weeks to tell anyone that isn't a close friend can save a lot of heartache and awkwardness. After that though just try to enjoy it, I was nervous about everything upuntil my daughter was born and I wish I'd relaxed a bit more. )
posted by julie_of_the_jungle at 7:34 PM on November 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
(I'm giving you this advice as someone who has lost three pregnancies, waiting until 15+ weeks to tell anyone that isn't a close friend can save a lot of heartache and awkwardness. After that though just try to enjoy it, I was nervous about everything upuntil my daughter was born and I wish I'd relaxed a bit more. )
posted by julie_of_the_jungle at 7:34 PM on November 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
Please, please don't worry about this. I agree with everyone that your boss does not need to know this soon. Wait at least until after the new year and use this time to think about what your plan and proposal might be. And then, please try to relax, take care of yourself, eat well. Sleep.
You can only put your best foot forward with your employer. It's up to them to roll with it. I bet that they will. Just find the timing that is best for you and don't feel like you're hiding some horrible secret. You're not. :)
posted by amanda at 10:30 PM on November 24, 2013
You can only put your best foot forward with your employer. It's up to them to roll with it. I bet that they will. Just find the timing that is best for you and don't feel like you're hiding some horrible secret. You're not. :)
posted by amanda at 10:30 PM on November 24, 2013
Response by poster: Thank you so much. It's good to hear that I can and should wait longer; it seems like when I read online forums women all announce at work by 10 weeks or so, which was making me feel like I was already pushing it. But I suppose the women who've told are the only ones talking about it.
Thanks especially for a boss's perspective, Short Attention Sp. I hope my boss turns out to be like you!
Also, thank you for the link to MA law, SMPA. It never even occurred to me that there might be state regulations in addition to FMLA. It looks like I'll be legally entitled to 8 weeks. I hope I wouldn't have to fall back on that, but it is very nice to know that I have rights!
posted by Kriesa at 12:12 PM on November 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
Thanks especially for a boss's perspective, Short Attention Sp. I hope my boss turns out to be like you!
Also, thank you for the link to MA law, SMPA. It never even occurred to me that there might be state regulations in addition to FMLA. It looks like I'll be legally entitled to 8 weeks. I hope I wouldn't have to fall back on that, but it is very nice to know that I have rights!
posted by Kriesa at 12:12 PM on November 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Follow up: I waited until 18 weeks to tell my boss. It was between Christmas and New Year's Day, so the office was pretty empty and quiet and I was able to get some of his time without making a production of it. His reaction was very kind and congratulatory, so it looks like my fears were unfounded.
I waited a couple of weeks longer to go public with the rest of my coworkers, and that was probably a bit too long; a few of them said they'd guessed. But it's worked out fine.
Thanks, everyone, for telling me to cool my jets earlier.
posted by Kriesa at 9:03 AM on February 23, 2014 [1 favorite]
I waited a couple of weeks longer to go public with the rest of my coworkers, and that was probably a bit too long; a few of them said they'd guessed. But it's worked out fine.
Thanks, everyone, for telling me to cool my jets earlier.
posted by Kriesa at 9:03 AM on February 23, 2014 [1 favorite]
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I would wait until after the holidays, when you've already told family and friends, and you have more definite plans for your leave, your husband's leave, etc. And make it a private scheduled meeting, not just a passing comment in the car with other people around.
posted by headnsouth at 8:53 AM on November 24, 2013 [2 favorites]