I slept with him on the first date - is this fixable or a lost cause?
November 21, 2013 6:27 AM   Subscribe

I slept with him on the first date, and now he's lost interest. Is there any salvaging it?

It's the same person from my last question. He appears to be interested when we text and will verbally express interest, but has been too "busy" for a second date - when before our first date he was the same level of busy but would often invite me to come out and see him or otherwise suggest taking breaks from his plans to make plans with me. Now, nope.

I talked to some of my guy friends, searched around on here and it seems where I went wrong was sleeping with him on the first date. I know some guys won't care, but he seems to be one that does. Oops! I know he isn't just looking for sex, so I don't think that's what happened. But I am the one that steered the conversation into sexual territory more than a few times which is probably why first-date-sex happened.

I've stopped contacting him for now because it seems to be a lost cause, but is there anything I can do to kind of "restart" things and re-pique his interest?

This may be a stupid question, but I'm a serial monogamist who is 100% new to dating.
posted by Autumn to Human Relations (43 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
 
Do you really want to be with someone whose opinion of women and sex is so dim that he would lose interest in you based on your willingness to sleep with him?

You could probably get him interested again by playing hard to get or going out of your way to make him jealous. I don't know why you would, though.

Since you say you're 100% new to dating: the thing about dating is that your level of investment is low and you can say "I've been out with this person x times, I've just discovered something about him that is a big turn off, so I'm moving on." There will be another guy coming along shortly, someone who hasn't proven to you yet that his views on sex are incompatible with yours.
posted by telegraph at 6:32 AM on November 21, 2013 [42 favorites]


I am a big believer in there being other fish in the sea. By all means, try to catch up with this guy (within reason), but if he's not being receptive, just move on. Life is far too short to pine over people who don't want to be with you.

it seems where I went wrong was sleeping with him on the first date.

I dunno, did you talk about politics? Issues with your family? Your love of The Bachelor? UFOs? There are a million things that trip us up, with no reprieve or second chances. Could it have been sleeping with him that turned him off? Sure. It could be any number of things.

Don't let assumptions about others' views of you color the person you are.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 6:34 AM on November 21, 2013 [3 favorites]


Alternatively, you slept with him and then found out he was a douchecanoe who saw women as conquests, so you ditched is lame ass. Fuhgettaboutit.

The awesome and cool men I know don't think like such philistines. They know that sleeping together is mutual action; if she slept with me early, I slept with her early. Then they judge the relationship according to personalities and compatibility.

Move along.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 6:35 AM on November 21, 2013 [29 favorites]


You can't unilaterally restart things. And even if you could, do you really want to attract someone who doesn't feel you're worth his time?

Look, it's not wrong to have sex on the first date if you both want to. The people worth sticking around will. The people not worth it will make themselves known. The only problem is that you will have had sex with people who aren't worth any more of your time beyond the sex. If you don't mind this being a potential issue, then that's fine. You're allowed to have sex on the first date!

This may be a stupid question, but I'm a serial monogamist who is 100% new to dating.

How do you know this? You've never dated, so you aren't a serial anything yet. You may aspire to monogamy and see it as an ideal or feel it's your natural state, but you've not had it challenged yet so it's not serial at the very least.
posted by inturnaround at 6:37 AM on November 21, 2013 [1 favorite]


Response by poster: Quick clarification: By "serial monogamist" I meant I went from one relationship... to the next... to the next... to the next... over the last ten years. I never did the dating people until I find someone compatible thing.
posted by Autumn at 6:41 AM on November 21, 2013 [1 favorite]


I talked to some of my guy friends, searched around on here and it seems where I went wrong was sleeping with him on the first date. I know some guys won't care, but he seems to be one that does.

If he really cared about that then he wouldn't have slept with you on the first date.

For whatever reason, he's just not into you. Quit chasing him and move on.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:42 AM on November 21, 2013 [4 favorites]


Let's say it was true that he lost interest because you slept with him on the first date. This either means he only wanted sex to begin with or that he has a double standard when it comes to men and women; after all he also slept with you on the first date.
Either way, doesnt sound like you should be worried about this guy, move on.
posted by tenaciousmoon at 6:45 AM on November 21, 2013 [10 favorites]


For whatever reason, he's just not into you.

Don't beat yourself up over your strategy. The result would have always been the same.
posted by three blind mice at 6:45 AM on November 21, 2013 [1 favorite]


I think the better play is to lose interest. You'll be happier in dating if you view it less as a bunch of tests in which you have to respond correctly and more as a process of discovery where you learn more and more about a person's character and your compatibility. This means you may be wrong about your initial impressions of someone, and having to admit this may be tough, but in the end you don't want to be with someone who acts like a jerk.

What you did on the first date is better viewed as something you did together, not as something "you did."

I'd hold the people you're dating to a high standard. You're into wanting to see him again, so seek out a situation that's symmetric in this respect with someone who wants to see you really badly, too. You deserve better, and this means going into things expecting to be on equal terms, and expecting to be treated with respect, and not taking all the blame when it doesn't work out.
posted by alphanerd at 6:47 AM on November 21, 2013 [2 favorites]


Gentleman here. Every woman I dated seriously is one with whom I had sex on the first date. A guy who won't call back after that is an asshole you're better off without.

That said---sometimes "busy" means "busy". I say invite him out on two separate occasions. If he's too busy for both, follow up with "Sounds like you've got a lot going on. Get in touch if you want to go out again." After that, either he'll reply, or you two aren't right for each other. And if you aren't right for each other, nothing will restart it, it's just not meant to be.
posted by ThatFuzzyBastard at 6:49 AM on November 21, 2013 [15 favorites]


Dude. No. I'm so sorry this guy is a dick, but not being interested in someone because they had sex with you on the first date is the dickest of dick moves. He had sex with you, too. Feel relief you dodged a bullet, don't worry about contacting him if you legitimately think that's why he's too busy. This is the hallmark of a jerk and a game-player and I'm sure you deserve better.
posted by c'mon sea legs at 6:49 AM on November 21, 2013 [7 favorites]


You don't know that he doesn't want to see you because you had sex. In fact, I doubt that if you hadn't had sex that the results would be any different.

You do know that he doesn't seem to be especially interested in seeing you again.

Just forget about this guy. He's not worth your time.
posted by grouse at 6:55 AM on November 21, 2013


I say, give yourself a high five for getting laid (hey, why not, it's fun), don't sweat balls over this one particular guy, and go out and date a bunch of cute kissable guys. Enjoy the process.

The majority of your attempts at relationships *will* fail. That's the odds of the game. It's nothing personal. If you strike out with one guy, it's not a sign that you did anything wrong necessarily; it just means you weren't a match. For this one guy, no worries -- you are doing the right thing by cutting contact and moving on. Bounce him.
posted by nacho fries at 7:01 AM on November 21, 2013 [7 favorites]


You need to chill the fuck out.

First of all, you don't know if he's lost interest, you suspect so. But he could very well be busy. This is a busy time of year.

Secondly, if he did, than he was never really all that interested to begin with. Having sex with people doesn't cause them to lose interest if they really, truly like you. Having sex with people DOES cause them to lose interest if they're only interested in the chase. The good news is, I'd rather find that out earlier than later. Imagine dating this guy for three or four dates and then sleeping with him, thinking that you're taking your relationship to a new level, only to discover that he got what he wanted and was a ghost. MUCH worse!

If you had sex with him because you wanted to, and weren't thinking that you were somehow progressing your relationship, then you're fine. If you had sex with him because you were in a completely different relationship than he was, then you need to reassess what it is you want from a relationship and from sex.

Here was my rule as a dater: Since sex is just sex, I'll wait until I like the guy enough. Since I don't want to have sex with random strangers, I'll wait until I know the guy enough.

Notice, that my having sex was predicated on liking and knowing the guy. Not on where I thought our relationship was, or how to "keep him" or any other nonsense.

You can't really know someone in one date, no matter how much internet hoo-ha takes place beforehand. But we've all had great eveings with guys that lead to sex, and we've been disappointed when it turns out that the guy only wanted sex and no relationship. Sometimes we ended up in a relationship. But those endings, really didn't have anything to do with sex.

So consider this a drawn-out one night stand, and move on with your life.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:02 AM on November 21, 2013 [9 favorites]


I've stopped contacting him for now because it seems to be a lost cause, but is there anything I can do to kind of "restart" things and re-pique his interest?

Feeling ballsy? Here is what you do:

Send him a text that says the following:
Hey, [name], if you are interested in us continuing to see each other, I'd like to nail down some concrete plans. Would you like to get dinner on Saturday?
He is allowed to have two responses here: 1) yes, Saturday is great, or 2) Saturday doesn't work for me but [other, specific day/time in the VERY near future] does. Anything else: him saying he's busy, him saying I dunno maybe next week, ANYTHING else is him being not that into you. If he responds with ANYTHING else, you say, "ok, well, it was nice getting to know you :)" and then you go and date other people.

You guys sleeping together on the first date has zero to do with it, so don't for one second go feeling bad about that.
posted by phunniemee at 7:04 AM on November 21, 2013 [14 favorites]


This guy would have lost interest after the first time you slept with him no matter what, because he is a sad self-loathing asshole who thinks that women who sleep with him are somehow diminished by having touched his dick. Bullet: dodged.
posted by elizardbits at 7:05 AM on November 21, 2013 [15 favorites]


"Too busy" is modern-day dating code for "not interested". NO ONE is too busy to get laid. Not even the POTUS. So, yeah, put this guy in the rear-view and don't give him any more time, even if he suddenly finds time for you.
posted by nacho fries at 7:06 AM on November 21, 2013 [3 favorites]


Was your first date just a week ago? I've found one date per week, especially when people are busy, to be pretty typical for the start of dating. It's way too soon to be this invested in someone. This is the problem with sleeping with someone on the first date.

You met him on OkCupid. He's probably still talking to other women on there and possibly setting up dates with them. He might want to go out with you again, it's only been a week and he's still talking to you, but what is clear is that he is not, at this point, interested in a hot and heavy, intense, full-on monogamous relationship. He may not be jumping to set up another date with you precisely because he does not want to send you that sort of message.

If you want to see him again, ask him out. Specific plans. If he says he is busy you ask for a date when he can see you. If he cannot give you a date, then he is not interested in dating you but is okay with having you stick around in case he wants more sex.
posted by Polychrome at 7:06 AM on November 21, 2013 [2 favorites]


It's not fixable because it's not broken.

By that, I mean, you didn't do anything wrong. And his style will probably work for him with some other lady out there.

But, his style does not work for you, in fact it is actively causing you pain and confusion. So you need to let him go, for your own sanity.

Just stop communicating with him.
posted by bilabial at 7:07 AM on November 21, 2013 [2 favorites]


Best answer: Well, wait a minute. In your last question you "told him to cut out the pet names because it weirded me out, and that I tended to talk to multiple people at once."
Also, "my communication level between dates tends to be rather low. (I could go days without talking, for example.)" There's nothing wrong with that approach but it implies you want to keep things casual.

Now you're frustrated because he's not taking this as seriously as you are but you're kind of sending conflicting messages here. First pet names are off the table, now they're okay. You told him you don't typically communicate much between dates but you're angsty because he's not reaching out to you. You told him you talk to multiple people but now you've changed your mind and hoping he isn't talking to others either.

I don't think sleeping with him on the first date is where the issue is. It might be stemming from the mixed messages and the impression that before the first date you weren't looking for anything serious but by the time it ended you were.

I can't jump on the bandwagon that he's just being a dick because he may legitimately not know what you want at this point. I see nothing wrong with saying, "Hey, I know I was pretty casual about all this when we first met but I've really taken a liking to you and would like to spend more time with you. If you're down with that too, let's grab a burger this weekend and catch up."
posted by _Mona_ at 7:09 AM on November 21, 2013 [11 favorites]


The sex is a red herring. You didn't do anything wrong by having sex with him. He just doesn't want to go out with you again, for whatever reason. Move on.
posted by something something at 7:11 AM on November 21, 2013


How lucky you are that you learned where this guy is coming from so quickly. Imagine wasting 3+ dates on this guy before you had sex, then had him lose interest. Yes, maybe he would have lost interest before you had sex, but at least you have a pretty good idea that this guy is not compatible with your expectations (or even tolerances).
posted by BearClaw6 at 7:19 AM on November 21, 2013


Time. Wait. Months. Then contact him again and see if he wants to get together. Then try again if he says yes.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 7:23 AM on November 21, 2013


Sleeping with someone has almost nothing to do with "losing interest." Plenty of guys will sleep with a girl and then want to see her again. I mean, even if you have the most existentialist, "men only want sex" view of the world - hey, he knows you put out!

I'm a straight 20s man. If memory serves, I've slept with three women on the first date. In two cases, we went on to have a long-term relationship. In the third case, I really raelly liked her and we made plans a couple more times and she faded away on me.

Moral of this story: You dated a guy and now he might not want to see you again. How you handle that is more or less unrelated from the fact that you had sex.
posted by Tomorrowful at 7:27 AM on November 21, 2013


There are men who are really only looking to fuck and will lose interest as soon as they get another notch on their bedpost. There are also men who aren't like that. Unfortunately, it's really hard to tell which one a man is going to be without putting it to the test.

One thing I do know for certain, though, is this: Though it may not seem this way, you will not transform a man from the latter to the former by sleeping with him. You will only discover who he was all along.

In other words: Sleeping with him was not a mistake, and it's not something you should beat yourself up over. If you'd taken things more slowly, he'd still have peaced out as soon as he got his.

is there anything I can do to kind of "restart" things and re-pique his interest?

Probably not, but give him some space and if he's going to approach you, he will. But don't put your eggs in this basket - go out and date more and have fun.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 7:31 AM on November 21, 2013 [3 favorites]


Move on. This guy sounds like he conquered you and lost interest. You don't want to be with his type anyway. Elevate your self-esteem and stop questioning yourself so much and most men will be electrically attracted to you, sex right off the bat or not.
posted by OneHermit at 7:38 AM on November 21, 2013


where I went wrong was sleeping with him on the first date.

You didn't go wrong. He did.
posted by ook at 7:39 AM on November 21, 2013


Nthing _Mona_ a thousand times.

You've been sending messages that you want to keep it casual and shutting him down when he gets more intimate. Now you want intimacy. I think you need to tell him and he will likely, as _MOna_ suggests, be glad to hear it.

Frankly something to think about it is that it sounds like you are sabotaging the relationship and then wondering why its not going so well. Suggest you take a deep look at this, if it resonates.
posted by zia at 7:48 AM on November 21, 2013 [1 favorite]


Um, your last question was a week ago. You're overthinking this and nobody here knows what is in this guy's head.

Possibilities include: you've been giving him mixed signals about how serious it is and he's assuming it's a casual thing with benefits and dialing it back so as not to appear too gung ho; he's not interested in a relationship and is dialing it back in an attempt to keep it less serious; he's following some sort of dumb-ass ruleset that says to chill you out for a while after the sex so that he can stay all alpha-male style; he didn't really feel the chemistry with you (guys can certainly "fake it" too, and given the pressures to perform and be super-sexual may well do so) and now he's not sure he wants the thing to progress; he wants to play the field and is in fact out there actively playing the filed i.e. having sex with other girls; he is in fact genuinely busy and now that you have clearly demonstrated you are interested in him for reals he is less anxious about not being so solicitous and available... I suppose it's possible that he's either a "thrill of the chase" sort of dude or some sort of weird prude who is willing to go along with the sex but then judges you for it later, but in both those cases, you know, ugh, good riddance. My instinct is that if a person is genuinely and wholeheartedly into you (the way you clearly are about him) they will match your enthusiasm... but it's even (remotely) possible that he's way into you and has been dialing it back because it's freaking him out. He's the only person who has the information you want.

You know I have always been basically straightforward, which is to say that if I was way into a person and wanted more than anything to have an exclusive relationship with them I would pretty much just tell them that off the bat, and certainly some of these conversations ended up with me learning more about what a great friend I am: some might call this wrecking it, I always just thought of it as cutting to the chase. Of course I never really dated. Obviously some people don't strive for immediate full immersion which I understand (in the abstract) and a very believable interpretation of your scenario is that while he does not currently match your level of interest, he is not disinterested (as indicated by his past behavior and the fact that he is still engaged in communication and open at least in theory to further dating) but just taking it at a pace that seems normal for very early, not-yet-defined dating. So, like, chill for a while and see how the next few months go. Right now you just need to pick which of those two paths is right for you and get on with it.
posted by nanojath at 8:07 AM on November 21, 2013


Best answer: The one piece of information that no one is addressing is that you characterize yourself as a serial monogamist. What this seems to mean to you is that having one date with someone and then (one of you) moving on is a new experience for you and feels unfamiliar. What you want to do, then, is fix it--turn this unfamiliar 1 night stand into a long term relationship, since that's all you know.

But in fact, nothing is broken, so nothing needs fixing. Not all dates turn into long term relationships. This doesn't mean anyone did something wrong, least of all, you.
posted by Obscure Reference at 8:40 AM on November 21, 2013 [4 favorites]


Best answer: This guy's behavior is in that weird middle ground that could be totally legit or TOTALLY shitty, and you can't know which until it's too late. A good guy will communicate where he's at when you ask, so you need to ask. If he still won't communicate, he's a fartknocker and you can throw darts at his OKC profile in good conscience.

I feel you, girl. We recovering serial monogamists have a bitch of a time acclimating to the "dating" world as it mostly exists now. You're going to spend a lot of time in a conflicted state of KEEP IT CASUAL BACK OFF MAN, OMG WHY HAVE WE NOT MET EACH OTHERS PARENTS. Because this person is a STRANGER! We don't want to tell our life story to a stranger. But we also think that relationships look a certain way, and that way is lots of involvement immediately. Irreconcilable.

It feels weird and uncomfortable to have sex with someone and then never see that person again, if what you're used to is "we were friends for a billion years and then had sex and then were surgically attached at the hip immediately." That kind of serial monogamy is very safe-feeling, you take almost no risks in the early phases. Downside: when you figure out that it's terrible a year in, you have no idea how to get out.

This kind of dating, on the other hand, requires taking a huge number of risks right away. Upside: your investment stays as low as you want it to be, meaning you can bail unscathed at any time.

I can tell you that for me, at least, it was worth working through the uncertainty of dating-dating. I'm currently a year into my first "dating" relationship (as in, he was a stranger I met on the internets, we took months to be bf/gf, etc.) and while it is not perfect--the unfamiliarity still bites me on the ass from time to time--it definitely feels like the most intentional, fully-chosen relationship I've ever had.
posted by like_a_friend at 8:56 AM on November 21, 2013 [4 favorites]


I've been happily married for eleven years to someone I slept with in the first date. That's a red herring.
posted by padraigin at 8:58 AM on November 21, 2013


Any guy that doesn't want to see you again because you slept with him on the first date is one of two things:

1. A guy who was only in it for a piece of ass

2. A judgemental dick with a double-standard and such archaic views of women's sexuality that even if you did win him back, you'd be walking on eggshells for the entire rest of the relationship for fear of saying or doing something else in the sexual realm that might trigger judgement, anger, disgust, and/or rejection on his part.

You don't need this shit, really you don't. Unless you happen to be looking for a lifetime supply of AskMe fodder.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 9:07 AM on November 21, 2013 [1 favorite]


Happily married eighteen years to someone I slept with the day I met him. You never know.

How was the sex? Were you two compatible?
posted by tomboko at 9:09 AM on November 21, 2013 [1 favorite]


There isn't anything "wrong" with sleeping on a first date from a male or woman's perspective unless you have very specific cultural or religious boundaries. Many times a first encounter which happens to be sexual leads to a LTR. Whether it was sexual or not and the partner acted like an idiot afterwards, the result is the same and is not necessarily your fault unless you did something particularly egregious.

All you need to do at this point is move on because someone who is not interested is not worth pursuing.
posted by JJ86 at 9:11 AM on November 21, 2013


Best answer: OMG girl, this question read like I had written it over 2 years ago. I was also serial monogamist thrust back into the dating game and slept with a guy I was totally into on the first date. He was interested and available before, but that loser completely blew me off after, and never officially told me he had lost interest (well his actions did).

As someone on metafilter predicted, I guess he wanted to keep the door open b/c he emailed me out of the clear blue a few months later trying to rekindle things. I promptly deleted that email as I was happy with my new beau, who I got intimate with but didn't sleep with, on the first date.

The answer to your question is, no it's not fixable and yes it's a lost cause. I think what it was is that I had come on too strong and he knew I was into him more than he was into me, which diminished his attraction to me. The same could be what has happened to you. The other chance is that he wasn't feeling the connection when you had sex and so is doing the fade away. Sex is a big deal breaker for most people - if it ain't right, it ain't right.

Either way, I hope you at least enjoyed the sex - but it's time to move on.
posted by soooo at 9:35 AM on November 21, 2013 [1 favorite]


You can wait to have sex or you can have sex immediately, but a guy who loses interest after sex will do so in either case.

You can wait until you "know" someone, or you can wait until you are "in love" with them, but if it turns out that the sex is wack, you're basically screwed because once you've established a romantic relationship, it's really hard to friendzone someone after you've had your way with them.

In my view, you should thank him profusely for not wasting your time. And if you really want my advice -- have sex A.S.A.P. after meeting someone you think is a potential partner. It doesn't make you nasty, it makes you smart. There's a lot of random noise in your head when you're contemplating sex with someone, and it's hard to ignore that noise when trying to sort out whether you actually like someone or whether you're simply attracted to them. And if you like them, well, see above.

I say this to my friends in a joking manner, but there's a lot of truth in it (which is what makes it amusing). "I have a lot of friends who won't have sex with someone until they know him. I don't know someone until I have sex with him. I know a lot of women who think you shouldn't have sex on the first date. I say, why wait for the first date?" I met a guy in a bar, liked him, thought he was cute, FORCED him to come home with me, had lovely sex with him, and that was 5 1/2 years ago, we're still together, and if it were up to him we would be married.

You should ONLY have sex when you want to. I do NOT advocate having sex if you feel uncomfortable in any way. But I also think that putting artificial restraints on "when" is appropriate is just as foolish.

Take the teaching, thank the teacher, and move on to the next guy.
posted by janey47 at 9:49 AM on November 21, 2013 [1 favorite]


From what you describe and my own experience, I would not jump to the conclusion that he is distancing himself because you had sex on the first date. Many, many people just don't have a spark after a first date including many who do not have sex on the first date. Don't be too hard on yourself and judge your own actions and lovely self as a reason for his feelings and behavior. Many a man has been a mystery when it comes to dating, sex or no sex. If you like feeling wanted, like me--and most people, I would move on and find the one who wants to be with you so much he cannot NOT let you know, sex or no sex on a first date.
posted by waving at 11:01 AM on November 21, 2013


You know, people are complicated and it's hard to know what they are really thinking or feeling. I'm one hundred percent with the people who say that there's nothing wrong with first date sex (20+ years together, and our first date happened after The Sex, which just happened to happen one day because we just happened to run into each other and spent the day together, and etc.). But you say you were sort of nudging it that way, or possibly strongly nudging, and I can see how that could possibly lead to some discomfort or worry. I can see where someone might feel like they would have been more comfortable waiting, for example, but felt a bit pressured, and now feel sort of gun shy.

I have no idea, and it seems like you really don't either, right now. It's a trope that there are guys who lose interest after having sex, or guys who want to have sex but feel like anyone who would have sex with them is slutty, and unfortunately for them and the people who get close to them, that is a thing that really does exist in enough numbers that there are these supposed "rules," strategies and tactics that exist, but there are a whole lot of other possibilities.

Keeping that in mind, and with the knowledge that you felt/feel that this guy is something special, I guess I'd just say maybe don't necessarily jump directly to the conclusion that he's of a certain noxious type, when he may be reacting for different reasons. As much as I was super attracted and into my husband when we got together that fateful day, if he had been more pushy about the sex stuff, it either a) wouldn't have happened, or b) would have happened, but I would have been taken aback, or confused/worried and less comfortable afterward, maybe even enough to decide not to see him again, or else slow it way down – and the same with him if positions were reversed. Your fellow might be an asshole of a specific asshole type, or he might be a person with a fairly healthy set of boundaries who feels a little worried about getting into a relationship where they feel pressured to move faster or do more than they are completely comfortable with. Or something else.

With that in mind, I'd just let him move forward if he feels it, and not worry if he doesn't. I'd not drop him like a hot potato, but I wouldn't press him. Stay in casual contact if you feel like it, and see what happens, if that feels okay for you. I would also not make any sort of weird intractable first-date rules going forward. There are a lot of wonderful people who happily have sex on the first date and for many dates, and months, and years together afterward, as you see here. There are many men who would be delighted, excited, and/or grateful not to have to take all the dicey responsibility for moving things along sexwise. Maybe there's nothing at all wrong with you or him, but maybe this won't really work just because, and maybe there's someone else you might meet and think they are the bee's knees who would be completely over the moon happy about exactly the same dynamic.
posted by taz at 11:04 AM on November 21, 2013


I don't know if you'll go out again but reading your last post you sound rather anxious. Just try to focus on being true to yourself rather than flip flopping your behavior to accommodate the people you date. As was suggested I'd just ask him out for a concrete date & activity and see what he says. If he's too busy then take that as a no and move on. Just be true to yourself. You don't have to change who you are to get a date.
posted by wildflower at 2:17 PM on November 21, 2013


He was interested enough to have sex, not interested enough for a relationship. Maintain polite, friendliness, like on facebook or whatever, but abandon any plans. There's a slight possibility that he's been deeply involved in a plumbing crisis at home and another crisis at work, and his Mom's in the hospital, but probably not. If he wants to contact you, he will. Find somebody who wants a relationship.
posted by theora55 at 2:45 PM on November 21, 2013


My most successful dating mode was: if he seems to have lost interest, even if it is a hunch, move on. Why waste time on something that's not clicking this early in the game? Doesn't sound promising. Sleeping with him on the first date is fine. Sex is fun and you are an adult. If he is pulling away because of it, to hell with him. Move on.
posted by Foam Pants at 5:00 PM on November 21, 2013


Best answer: Do you want to have sex with people who only want you for sex and not for a relationship? If so, proceed to have sex on the first date. As someone upthread said, knowing if you want to be in a relationship with someone takes time and more dates than one. There's a great chance that not all first dates will turn into relationships, so make peace with the notion that a good percentage of these first date sexual encounters are going to be hook ups.

Personally, I think sex on the first day of meeting a total stranger is wrong and risky - if nothing else, for health reasons. I wouldn't agree to a second date if someone was pushing for sex on the first date. I know this view is very unpopular here on AskMeFi, but I think it's very common out in the real world. Doesn't mean your guy subscribes to this view -- for all we know, he decided that the sex wasn't all that great and he decided to move on.
posted by gardenbex at 10:31 PM on November 22, 2013 [1 favorite]


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