"Same background dating" for a potential immigrant in the United States

November 12, 2013 5:30 PM

I'm currently a non immigrant in the United States and looking to settle down here because I want to be away from the society I was raised in. However, I'm looking for a person that shares the better parts of my cultural beliefs and value sets so I can preserve some of them when raising children here, and keep in touch with my roots. Are there any good dating resources that mefi can help me with, or general ideas on what I can do to seek such partners?

I'm 26. Currently a hardware engineer. I grew up in India but always looked to the West as giving me a better chance of personal and professional growth.

I have been part of a few relationships in the past, all back in India. All of them ended due to irreconcilable differences -- the early ones due to commitment issues, one because of long distance, and then, I had this brainy idea that my perfect potential partner might be a second generation Indian American, and I ended up meeting someone through my friends in grad school. Except, it got complicated because I learned I wasn't "Indian" enough for her.

Here's the story:

She expected me to be too exotic, which I felt really insulted by. I was also shocked because I didn't expect that from someone that was born here (in hindsight I shouldn't have been so narrow in my thinking). Cases in point: She was not into live music at all, and I LOVE going to concerts. I'm into some American sports and love watching games with friends. So she'd say things like: 'I feel like I'm dating an American' and picked on me for it. Yes, there are parts of my thinking that are totally American, I love American pop culture and rock music and I have had a large set of American friends ever since I moved here. I cannot give up that side of me because I am looking to live here for all those reasons. She wanted an Indian guy that was totally a Bollywood type and can cavort with her at a bazillion Indian gatherings. But I was just not that guy.

That said, I'm not all Western in my way of being. I AM from India, so while I may not fit stereotypes like being able to dance a mean bhangra and constantly eat Indian food and constantly hang out with Indian families, there are parts of me that respect the simpler and nicer (according to me) aspects of my culture, including the languages and the traditions and a few festivals.

I feel defeated because it seems like all second generation Indian Americans might expect me to either bring "too much Indian" or "too much American" to the table.

So I want to try looking for someone that comes from the same background as me, but someone that also loves the West and wants to keep a foot each in both lands.

I am AGAINST arranged marriages -- it is one of the loathsome parts of my culture I want to leave behind. One might argue it can work considering what I'm looking for, but I've seen the unhappy and terrible marriages it led to in my family, and there is no way I can go down that route. It's hard for me to look for support in my Indian friend circles -- most of them are already married or in long-term relationships, with their friends in similar situations.

I've always just happened to meet women earlier in my life in settings that were already social, like campuses, etc.. However, as time passed by I'm now leading a very cocooned life without much social interaction. I've always been an introvert and not into partying so it's hard for me to hit clubs and dating-friendly zones like that, especially considering the subset I'm looking for.

So: Are there ANY dating resources at all for specifically what I'm looking for? How hard is it for me to find an Indian woman in exactly the same boat as me?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (10 answers total)

Internet dating seems like the easiest way to do it. Offhand I know of a couple of happy marriages between Indian-American women and not-so-traditional (but India-born, India-raised) Indian guys that happened thanks to OKCupid and shaadi.com. Just be (relatively) up front in what you want: someone who appreciates but is not absolutely defined by the heritage you two share in common.

I feel defeated because it seems like all second generation Indian Americans might expect me to either bring "too much Indian" or "too much American" to the table

You're really painting with an overly broad brush if one Indian-American woman made you fear that all Indian-American women will do this.
posted by artemisia at 5:40 PM on November 12, 2013 [4 favorites]

I don't think you should restrict yourself to Indians or any other ethnicity. You obviously are not 100% Indian (whatever that means) since at least one person thinks you're "not Indian enough." I think you'll find that there are people of other cultures that do share most of your values.

(I'm Indian and I've been with a California girl for over ten years.)
posted by phliar at 6:02 PM on November 12, 2013

You might have better luck using a general-interest dating site like OKCupid and looking specifically for Indian-American women, as opposed to using a niche dating site. (The only one of which I'm familiar for Indian-Americans is shaadi.com, which is maybe more of an arranged marriage site? Not sure...)

Keep in mind, too, that there isn't really "an app for that". A lot of your problems seem to be somewhat similar to the problems we all have in finding a partner, immigrant or not. There is not ever going to be a website or a product that will be foolproof in finding you someone who matches exactly what you're looking for, and is looking exactly for you.

Rather than looking for a specific dating site, it might help to rethink your early interactions with women.

I'm somewhat a fan of creating situations within the first few dates that will push my prospective partner to show their true colors about certain things. For instance I really love art, and going to museums and doing cultural appreciation things is a major hobby of mine. So I'll usually invite someone I like to a museum early on, to see whether they also like art and cultural stuff.

Could you do something similar? Maybe have a question you usually bring up on a first date? Or listen for specific things they say about their family, their relationship with their culture, etc? Clothing, music, and other personal taste signifiers also say a lot about this sort of thing. You bring up "cavort at Indian gatherings" -- can you just watch for people who bring up this stuff and draw conclusions from there?

Unfortunately, there's never going to be an app to find you the perfect person who is a 100% match without needing to test the waters or get to know each other.
posted by Sara C. at 6:10 PM on November 12, 2013 [2 favorites]

I think that you will be able to find what you're looking for. In one way you're lucky because there are lots and lots of Indians in the US, it would be much harder if someone of many other cultures wanted to do this. I think it is harder to find the right person the more unique you are and the more unique your "situation" is. For some people that uniqueness has a large part in these "cultural" type aspects of themselves, and for some other aspects of themselves. Either way it's a difficulty you have to work with, and which means it may take a lot of time to find the right person. Just keep trying, and trying out online dating options. But also be patient and give people a real chance rather than fixating too much on what you think you want or how you think that person is (maybe someone will seem too Indian or too American to you at first until you discover more and more layers of them).
posted by Blitz at 6:28 PM on November 12, 2013

Honestly, I think the situation with your Indian-American girlfriend was more about her (and about your lack of compatibility with each other) than about Indian-American women in general.

I agree that you should at least try the usual online dating sites and look for Indian or Indian-American women. It will certainly help if you live in a city with a lot of other Indians and Indian-Americans.

But don't rule out Indian women living in the U.S. I mean, they're here for a reason and it's not necessarily just for a job. I have an Indian friend who moved here at 22 for an arranged marriage, got divorced at 28, and met her Indian-Trinidadian husband in grad school in her thirties. They are both bicultural (well, he's tri-cultural) and they're very happy together.
posted by lunasol at 7:31 PM on November 12, 2013 [1 favorite]

"She wanted an Indian guy that was totally a Bollywood type and can cavort with her at a bazillion Indian gatherings."

DUDE! The same thing happened to me and well...

there are a few people who will be into you as a Desi caricature. And, yes, that absolutely sucks. But thankfully, it's only a small number of people who are like that.

I found dating partners by doing the things I liked to do, but in a social manner. Joined Facebook groups for music genres, production, cooking etc.. Joined meetups, etc... at least that way, you'll have something to serve as a social lubricant of sorts, rather than try to force yourself to navigate through those interactions blindly. :)

Best of luck!
posted by raihan_ at 7:59 PM on November 12, 2013 [1 favorite]

If you don't already live in a city with a large Indian population, move to one. As a hardware engineer you would be in high demand around, say, Cupertino CA, where I cannot imagine anyone would have a hard time finding Indian or Indian-American women to date.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:28 PM on November 12, 2013 [1 favorite]

What about a non-Indian woman? If she's supportive, then you lead the way in passing on the parts of your culture you want to, and you work together to pass down elements of both cultures. My relationship is international, and I suppose intercultural too - my husband supports me in what I want to share, but it's mostly up to me to decide what the important bits are.

Values should be shared regardless. Because our values are shared, what I choose to share from my culture/home country generally isn't an issue.

Really, shared values are the important thing - it makes everything else much easier. There are always people who fit into the country/culture they were born into, and other who don't - and feel much more 'at home' elsewhere. You just need a girl that fits with you.
posted by jrobin276 at 12:52 AM on November 13, 2013

Don't discount the possibility of a non-Indian woman who is interested in or already otherwise exposed to your culture/language/religion/tradition. I have a white American friend who is now engaged to a Pakistani immigrant and has not only converted to Islam, but also started learning Urdu, can cook Indian and Pakistani food really well, and became quite close to Pakistani extended family. :) She is genuinely interested in raising Muslim-American kids, kind of has a similar mindset about keeping some traditions that you described in your post.

Use shaadi or general dating sites and just make sure you have in your profile some of what you wrote here. if you're looking for a life partner and not just dating for fun you might want to try eharmony, match.com or similar, in addition to okcupid and plentyoffish.
posted by zdravo at 5:02 AM on November 13, 2013

Dude, if you're in Atlanta, I know a girl...

But seriously, do check out the dating site recommended, and also go to cultural events in your town. Lots of Mama's are looking for nice men to introduce to their daughters.

You may run into folks in your daily life, doing the things you like to do. Be open to meeting lots of people. You may network yourself into an introduction.

I will say that I totally get where you're coming from. For a very long time I thought I wanted to marry a Jewish guy. As it turns out, my husband from a Christian Fundamentalist background is a perfect match for me. We celebrate lots of different holidays together and I don't feel at all disconnected from my culture. He speaks German, so he understands my Yiddish.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:38 AM on November 13, 2013