I'm not interested in dating or being your friend. Thanks and goodbye.
October 22, 2013 6:16 AM Subscribe
How do I tell somebody I recently met that I'm not interested romantically or even as a friend? The problem is that I'm not exactly sure whether she is looking for just a friend or something more?
A month ago I met a woman from Spain at an expat meetup group. About 10 days ago she contacted me through the group's social media website about looking for somebody to sublet her apartment to and I'm in the market. I gave her my phone number and got a text from her that she would like to "chat". I thought "chat" was a strange way to refer to having a call about renting an apartment and I wondered if she wanted to talk business or literally "chat".
The next day after work I give her a call to tell her that I wasn't quite ready to get a new place and it turned out she really wanted to "chat". I'm never great at small talk and as we only spoke once in person for about 15 minutes I had nothing to talk. I excused myself because I had to meet somebody for dinner. She told me to call her after dinner and I didn't.
The next day I did invite her to a Spanish speaker happy hour. Not as a date. We always could use more native speakers and she seemed nice enough. She showed up and almost immediately wanted to leave to go to dinner. I wanted to stay and talk with my friends. We stuck around a while and I invited a few friends to eat because I was starting to pick up a vibe that she may think we are on a date and I left early because I didn't feel well that evening.
The next day I start receiving texts or Facebook messages daily. She calls and leaves me voice mails asking "How my day is going, how has my week been?" I've always heard that Spanish girls were upfront and aggressive. The amount of contact is too much for me, but I try to be polite and answer occasionally with short texts. She invites me to a movie but I'm honestly busy that night so she asks for me to go the following night. I still can't then because I have family in town.
She goes on vacation and continues the contact daily including a text asking, "When can I see you again?" I didn't respond. When she gets back she again asks if I want to see a movie. This was two days ago and I haven't responded. I kind of feel like a jerk for not doing so.
I am not attracted to her and really find the all of this contact uncomfortable. I'm not 100% sure if she's looking for a date or a new friend. Either way, the contact is still too much for me. (I feel a little P.S.Y.C.H.O. potential here as well). So how do I tell her I'm not really interested either way? Do I tell her this? At this point, maybe it's best to continue not responding even though I feel bad about it? (I will probably see her again at expat happy hour).
A month ago I met a woman from Spain at an expat meetup group. About 10 days ago she contacted me through the group's social media website about looking for somebody to sublet her apartment to and I'm in the market. I gave her my phone number and got a text from her that she would like to "chat". I thought "chat" was a strange way to refer to having a call about renting an apartment and I wondered if she wanted to talk business or literally "chat".
The next day after work I give her a call to tell her that I wasn't quite ready to get a new place and it turned out she really wanted to "chat". I'm never great at small talk and as we only spoke once in person for about 15 minutes I had nothing to talk. I excused myself because I had to meet somebody for dinner. She told me to call her after dinner and I didn't.
The next day I did invite her to a Spanish speaker happy hour. Not as a date. We always could use more native speakers and she seemed nice enough. She showed up and almost immediately wanted to leave to go to dinner. I wanted to stay and talk with my friends. We stuck around a while and I invited a few friends to eat because I was starting to pick up a vibe that she may think we are on a date and I left early because I didn't feel well that evening.
The next day I start receiving texts or Facebook messages daily. She calls and leaves me voice mails asking "How my day is going, how has my week been?" I've always heard that Spanish girls were upfront and aggressive. The amount of contact is too much for me, but I try to be polite and answer occasionally with short texts. She invites me to a movie but I'm honestly busy that night so she asks for me to go the following night. I still can't then because I have family in town.
She goes on vacation and continues the contact daily including a text asking, "When can I see you again?" I didn't respond. When she gets back she again asks if I want to see a movie. This was two days ago and I haven't responded. I kind of feel like a jerk for not doing so.
I am not attracted to her and really find the all of this contact uncomfortable. I'm not 100% sure if she's looking for a date or a new friend. Either way, the contact is still too much for me. (I feel a little P.S.Y.C.H.O. potential here as well). So how do I tell her I'm not really interested either way? Do I tell her this? At this point, maybe it's best to continue not responding even though I feel bad about it? (I will probably see her again at expat happy hour).
Send her a text or call her and simply say, "I think there's been a misunderstanding, I'm not interested in dating you." Then leave it at that.
Either she'll play it off or you'll never hear from her again.
You can't worry too much about hurting her feelings, no matter what she's more into you than you're into her and that always sucks. Nothing you can do about it.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:24 AM on October 22, 2013 [3 favorites]
Either she'll play it off or you'll never hear from her again.
You can't worry too much about hurting her feelings, no matter what she's more into you than you're into her and that always sucks. Nothing you can do about it.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:24 AM on October 22, 2013 [3 favorites]
Things like this are really tough to deal with. You really can't just come out and say, "I'm sorry, but I don't want to date you." because aside from being proactive about developing some sort of a social connection with you, she's not even actually indicated that she wants to date you. For all you know, she might just be a lonely person with no one to chat with, no plans tonight or tomorrow and no family in town to keep her entertained, and she joined these groups as a way to make friends and she's aggressively pursuing that.
You should respond to her text, because that's the polite thing to do. You shouldn't address whether or not she has intentions of dating you (because you can do that in one very simple way: don't date her). I'd respond to her message in a very literal way. "Hey there! I've been having fun with my family in town. Hope all is well with you. I'm sure we'll catch up at the next group FUNCTION/MEETUP/WHATEVER. See you then!" That gets the message across that you're not interested in pursuing the one-on-one social interaction, but that you're perfectly capable of being friendly and polite in the group setting.
posted by jph at 6:40 AM on October 22, 2013 [22 favorites]
You should respond to her text, because that's the polite thing to do. You shouldn't address whether or not she has intentions of dating you (because you can do that in one very simple way: don't date her). I'd respond to her message in a very literal way. "Hey there! I've been having fun with my family in town. Hope all is well with you. I'm sure we'll catch up at the next group FUNCTION/MEETUP/WHATEVER. See you then!" That gets the message across that you're not interested in pursuing the one-on-one social interaction, but that you're perfectly capable of being friendly and polite in the group setting.
posted by jph at 6:40 AM on October 22, 2013 [22 favorites]
You could assert yourself and say that you're not interested in continuing a friendship. Or you could do the slow fade and take longer and longer to respond to calls and texts, while never initiating contact. Personally, I find that with people who come on way too strong like this, you have to be at least as clear and assertive back for them to get the point. Cut off all contact, as any little bit will be seen as an indication that you want to continue contact.
However, the awkward bit is that you're going to be seeing her again in person. I'd be polite but vague for the most part when you see her. If she brings up the fact that you haven't been in contact much, you've been really really busy doing some obscure thing that is longwinded to explain. If you keep responding, even intermittently, she won't get the hint. Don't engage apart from at the group thing. When you're engaging at the group thing, don't divulge anything personal.
I don't think she thinks she's dating you. Unless there's been some kind of flirting or kissing going on, which doesn't seem to be the case. She certainly seems interested and is trying to make some kind of connection, but that doesn't mean that she wants to have sex with you. Nothing of what you said seems particularly flirty to me.
posted by Solomon at 6:47 AM on October 22, 2013
However, the awkward bit is that you're going to be seeing her again in person. I'd be polite but vague for the most part when you see her. If she brings up the fact that you haven't been in contact much, you've been really really busy doing some obscure thing that is longwinded to explain. If you keep responding, even intermittently, she won't get the hint. Don't engage apart from at the group thing. When you're engaging at the group thing, don't divulge anything personal.
I don't think she thinks she's dating you. Unless there's been some kind of flirting or kissing going on, which doesn't seem to be the case. She certainly seems interested and is trying to make some kind of connection, but that doesn't mean that she wants to have sex with you. Nothing of what you said seems particularly flirty to me.
posted by Solomon at 6:47 AM on October 22, 2013
She definitely thinks you're dating. This is awkward.
Honestly, I think the easiest way to get out of this with the least amount of awkwardness is to sort of go along with the misunderstanding that those were 'dates' with her (even though they weren't), and then say that you don't feel a spark or chemistry or whatever. That would be way easier and less embarassing for her than for you to say "we aren't dating, those weren't dates".
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 6:48 AM on October 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
Honestly, I think the easiest way to get out of this with the least amount of awkwardness is to sort of go along with the misunderstanding that those were 'dates' with her (even though they weren't), and then say that you don't feel a spark or chemistry or whatever. That would be way easier and less embarassing for her than for you to say "we aren't dating, those weren't dates".
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 6:48 AM on October 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
None of us has the slightest idea what this woman is thinking. It sounds as though you're not really sure either.
Let me say it again: none of us has the slightest idea what this woman is thinking. However, you're clearly uncomfortable with her approach to you, as you say you "really find the all of this contact uncomfortable." So you need to do something that makes you feel comfortable, that tells her to dial it waaaaay back, and which is kind to her because, you know, she's a human being and you should be kind to her, especially because you don't really know why she's come on so strongly.
You can tell her next time you see her at the Spanish speaker happy hour/expat meetup that you're uncomfortable with her texting you every day. You can tell her that you're terribly busy, so you don't have time to catch up with her outside the meet-ups. I would, personally, make it all about me, saying that I enjoyed chatting with her at the meet-up, but that I just did not have the time and headspace for socializing beyond that. Then I'd excuse myself from the conversation, hang out a little while longer and then go home.
Don't make assumptions about why she's being so aggressive in contacting you, but be very clear that you don't really have time or interest for socializing outside the meetups. Then just stop responding to the texts. Once you've told her you won't be responding, it's on her to stop texting you.
posted by crush-onastick at 7:09 AM on October 22, 2013 [5 favorites]
Let me say it again: none of us has the slightest idea what this woman is thinking. However, you're clearly uncomfortable with her approach to you, as you say you "really find the all of this contact uncomfortable." So you need to do something that makes you feel comfortable, that tells her to dial it waaaaay back, and which is kind to her because, you know, she's a human being and you should be kind to her, especially because you don't really know why she's come on so strongly.
You can tell her next time you see her at the Spanish speaker happy hour/expat meetup that you're uncomfortable with her texting you every day. You can tell her that you're terribly busy, so you don't have time to catch up with her outside the meet-ups. I would, personally, make it all about me, saying that I enjoyed chatting with her at the meet-up, but that I just did not have the time and headspace for socializing beyond that. Then I'd excuse myself from the conversation, hang out a little while longer and then go home.
Don't make assumptions about why she's being so aggressive in contacting you, but be very clear that you don't really have time or interest for socializing outside the meetups. Then just stop responding to the texts. Once you've told her you won't be responding, it's on her to stop texting you.
posted by crush-onastick at 7:09 AM on October 22, 2013 [5 favorites]
God, 'awkward' is right.
I think the key here is to give her a chance to save face, whilst making it crystal clear that you don't want a relationship (platonic or otherwise) with her.
I'd send a text: 'Hey X - Just wanted to say sorry I haven't replied to your messages; nothing personal, I just really don't have time for new friendships or relationships at the moment. I can barely keep up with work and family! I'm sure we'll run into each other at meet-ups, though. All the best, Che.'
posted by Salamander at 7:15 AM on October 22, 2013 [27 favorites]
I think the key here is to give her a chance to save face, whilst making it crystal clear that you don't want a relationship (platonic or otherwise) with her.
I'd send a text: 'Hey X - Just wanted to say sorry I haven't replied to your messages; nothing personal, I just really don't have time for new friendships or relationships at the moment. I can barely keep up with work and family! I'm sure we'll run into each other at meet-ups, though. All the best, Che.'
posted by Salamander at 7:15 AM on October 22, 2013 [27 favorites]
It's awkward as hell, but nobody ever died of awkward. You're not interested in maintaining friendship here, so I think it's totally okay to just say that, let it be awkward, and leave it at that. It's not like trying to diffuse someone who thinks you're interested when they're a coworker or someone you're otherwise friends with, just get it out there and rip the band-aid off, you know?
posted by Sequence at 7:48 AM on October 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by Sequence at 7:48 AM on October 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
Cut it off. You don't need to feel guilty about it. She isn't getting your hints so stop trying to be polite. Don't invite her to events. Don't respond to her messages. If she persists, say ONCE "I'm sorry but I have other plans" Simple.
posted by banishedimmortal at 7:51 AM on October 22, 2013
posted by banishedimmortal at 7:51 AM on October 22, 2013
"Hey I don't have space in my life right now to develop new friendships, but hopefully I'll see you at the next group event."
posted by J. Wilson at 8:22 AM on October 22, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by J. Wilson at 8:22 AM on October 22, 2013 [4 favorites]
1) Text her "Stop bothering me"
2) Don't respond to any future contact from her
Trying to be nice about it is just encouraging her and making the situation worse.
posted by Jacqueline at 8:52 AM on October 22, 2013
2) Don't respond to any future contact from her
Trying to be nice about it is just encouraging her and making the situation worse.
posted by Jacqueline at 8:52 AM on October 22, 2013
1) Text her "Stop bothering me"
That's not necessary, and it's unnecessarily unkind. Besides, she probably doesn't understand that she's "bothering" Che.
I like Salamander's approach: "I'd send a text: 'Hey X - Just wanted to say sorry I haven't replied to your messages; nothing personal, I just really don't have time for new friendships or relationships at the moment. I can barely keep up with work and family! I'm sure we'll run into each other at meet-ups, though. All the best, Che.'"
posted by Dolley at 9:27 AM on October 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
That's not necessary, and it's unnecessarily unkind. Besides, she probably doesn't understand that she's "bothering" Che.
I like Salamander's approach: "I'd send a text: 'Hey X - Just wanted to say sorry I haven't replied to your messages; nothing personal, I just really don't have time for new friendships or relationships at the moment. I can barely keep up with work and family! I'm sure we'll run into each other at meet-ups, though. All the best, Che.'"
posted by Dolley at 9:27 AM on October 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
Expat meetups can bring out super neediness in people compared to meeting them in other situations. The posters who are telling you to reply rarely and keep 'see you at the next meetup' in your lexicon have the right idea. I have encountered this a fair bit since attending expat meetups and the above has worked very well for me.
posted by ellieBOA at 9:34 AM on October 22, 2013
posted by ellieBOA at 9:34 AM on October 22, 2013
Response by poster: Ayyyyyy! She just called my cell phone again at this very moment! I'm at work. She is persistent. Just asking about my plans for the weekend, but still......
posted by Che boludo! at 9:59 AM on October 22, 2013
posted by Che boludo! at 9:59 AM on October 22, 2013
Have you tried any of the suggestions above yet? Letting this drag on is only going to leave you feeling more aggrieved towards her than you need to be. There's nothing wrong with wanting your space (someone like that would be driving me nuts, too!), but it seems fairly obvious that she's not taking any hint you've tried to give her. I'd vote for Salamander's approach, too, although I might alter it a little to take out the "and family!" part - no need to rub salt in her wounds if you've got family and she's missing hers.
And don't go inviting her to anything again after this. I suspect you get that already but I thought I'd add it, just in case you start feeling guilty and want to make things better by inviting her out as a friend.
posted by DingoMutt at 10:15 AM on October 22, 2013
And don't go inviting her to anything again after this. I suspect you get that already but I thought I'd add it, just in case you start feeling guilty and want to make things better by inviting her out as a friend.
posted by DingoMutt at 10:15 AM on October 22, 2013
She just called my cell phone again at this very moment! I'm at work.
Why are you answering the phone to her? If you don't want to talk to her don't. Send the sort of general, frantically busy, sure we'll keep bumping into other at meetups message suggested by others and then stop responding to her in any way form or shape.
posted by koahiatamadl at 10:51 AM on October 22, 2013
Why are you answering the phone to her? If you don't want to talk to her don't. Send the sort of general, frantically busy, sure we'll keep bumping into other at meetups message suggested by others and then stop responding to her in any way form or shape.
posted by koahiatamadl at 10:51 AM on October 22, 2013
Response by poster: I didn't answer the phone. She left a voicemail.
posted by Che boludo! at 10:59 AM on October 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Che boludo! at 10:59 AM on October 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
Can you clarify her nationality, your nationality, and the country in which this it taking place? It's very unclear from your question and may make a difference in people's answers.
> I've always heard that Spanish girls were upfront and aggressive.
Please, please don't perpetuate stereotypes like that by buying into them. They are not going to be helpful to you in addressing this problem.
posted by DarlingBri at 11:18 AM on October 22, 2013 [5 favorites]
> I've always heard that Spanish girls were upfront and aggressive.
Please, please don't perpetuate stereotypes like that by buying into them. They are not going to be helpful to you in addressing this problem.
posted by DarlingBri at 11:18 AM on October 22, 2013 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: I hear you on the stereotypes. She's Spanish and I'm from The US and we are in The US.
posted by Che boludo! at 12:57 PM on October 22, 2013
posted by Che boludo! at 12:57 PM on October 22, 2013
You have three options:
1.) Tell her politely that you are not interested and please stop calling.
2) Tell her rudely that you are not interested and stop calling.
3.)Ignoring her.
I don't think you owe this woman anything. I usually operate under the do unto others rule, but if you are so stressed out about her, and she hasn't been picking up your other socially acceptable cues to back off then ignoring her is a perfectly acceptable option. You only feel like a jerk because it isn't the way you would want to be treated, but sometimes the only option is to ignore.
posted by momochan at 12:58 PM on October 22, 2013
1.) Tell her politely that you are not interested and please stop calling.
2) Tell her rudely that you are not interested and stop calling.
3.)Ignoring her.
I don't think you owe this woman anything. I usually operate under the do unto others rule, but if you are so stressed out about her, and she hasn't been picking up your other socially acceptable cues to back off then ignoring her is a perfectly acceptable option. You only feel like a jerk because it isn't the way you would want to be treated, but sometimes the only option is to ignore.
posted by momochan at 12:58 PM on October 22, 2013
I'm kind of surprised that nobody has suggested the obvious answer: lie. Send her a text and apologize for not getting back to her, but explain that you've gotten very serious with your (mythical) new girlfriend. Social lies that are designed to save face for everyone are morally acceptable.
posted by Mr. Justice at 5:10 PM on October 22, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by Mr. Justice at 5:10 PM on October 22, 2013 [3 favorites]
Yeah, I think enabling her to save face while exiting is best. Allow a brush off that enables her to still say "I was dating, but it didn't work out" if she wants to, rather than have to face the embarassment of "I'm so pathetic I thought we were dating when we weren't" - which is what she would feel like, even if it's not accurate.
Be nice. It costs you nothing.
posted by corb at 12:00 PM on October 23, 2013 [2 favorites]
Be nice. It costs you nothing.
posted by corb at 12:00 PM on October 23, 2013 [2 favorites]
Hm.
"Hey there! I've been having fun with my family in town. Hope all is well with you. I'm sure we'll catch up at the next group FUNCTION/MEETUP/WHATEVER. See you then!"
I don't think she would necessarily get the hint since she clearly hasn't so far. She might actually take this as a positive sign.
I'd be more direct.
"Hey, -----. I'm sorry for not being more direct about this earlier and I apologize if I gave you the wrong impression, but I'm not interested in anything romantic."
I wouldn't worry about covering the platonic angle as it seems pretty clear that she's not looking for friendship. Saying I don't have space in my life right now for new friends is unnecessarily harsh. I would only do that as a last resort if she keeps pressing after you send her the first text.
posted by timsneezed at 11:24 AM on October 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
"Hey there! I've been having fun with my family in town. Hope all is well with you. I'm sure we'll catch up at the next group FUNCTION/MEETUP/WHATEVER. See you then!"
I don't think she would necessarily get the hint since she clearly hasn't so far. She might actually take this as a positive sign.
I'd be more direct.
"Hey, -----. I'm sorry for not being more direct about this earlier and I apologize if I gave you the wrong impression, but I'm not interested in anything romantic."
I wouldn't worry about covering the platonic angle as it seems pretty clear that she's not looking for friendship. Saying I don't have space in my life right now for new friends is unnecessarily harsh. I would only do that as a last resort if she keeps pressing after you send her the first text.
posted by timsneezed at 11:24 AM on October 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
"I really find all of this contact uncomfortable." Just say that.
Don't do what Mr. Justice says. I'm still getting over a thing with a guy who turned me down by saying he was in love with someone else. I'm half-convinced he was lying and I'm so much more embarrassed by the possibility that it was a lie than I would have been to hear the truth. I'm mostly over the guy but I haven't gotten over the embarrassment. Be straight with her. "I really find all of this contact uncomfortable."
posted by 4bulafia at 1:35 PM on October 24, 2013
Don't do what Mr. Justice says. I'm still getting over a thing with a guy who turned me down by saying he was in love with someone else. I'm half-convinced he was lying and I'm so much more embarrassed by the possibility that it was a lie than I would have been to hear the truth. I'm mostly over the guy but I haven't gotten over the embarrassment. Be straight with her. "I really find all of this contact uncomfortable."
posted by 4bulafia at 1:35 PM on October 24, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by chainsofreedom at 6:20 AM on October 22, 2013 [2 favorites]