I have abandonment issues. I need reading material.
October 6, 2013 9:41 AM Subscribe
My story is unique, but my experience is not. I have abandonment issues. I need reading material.
I was a young child being raised by a mother whose schizophrenia started to take over. I was then given up for adoption at age 6. I was adopted into a family that did not show love - father was a graduate student in medical school, mother was a business woman who blamed me for getting adopted and ruining the marriage. My mother left Michigan for Texas following a job opportunity and a man. My father paid a family to take care of me, and I'd visit him on the weekends. My mother heard about this, and came and got me and my little brother out of that situation before people talked too bad about her. I lived with mother the majority of my childhood.
I am overly sensitive, I have feelings of loss at simple goodbyes, and I attach to anyone who likes me and who I like. I am overly rational so I am not swallowed up in these feelings, I just observe them in myself. I've learned to hide my insecurities and shortcomings in the emotional realm. I am a recluse and I'd really like to get out among people and make new relationships.
I've looked for psychologists in my area, but the closest ones my insurance covers are two hours away. As a bicycle is my primary transportation, that is unfeasible.
I've looked into reading material, but my first foray went sour. I downloaded the book "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" but that book is awful. That book is entirely about people who have left relationships and the remaining person's journey to healing. Completely not applicable.
Can someone suggest good reading material or people sources? I really think I can get better talking it out.
I was a young child being raised by a mother whose schizophrenia started to take over. I was then given up for adoption at age 6. I was adopted into a family that did not show love - father was a graduate student in medical school, mother was a business woman who blamed me for getting adopted and ruining the marriage. My mother left Michigan for Texas following a job opportunity and a man. My father paid a family to take care of me, and I'd visit him on the weekends. My mother heard about this, and came and got me and my little brother out of that situation before people talked too bad about her. I lived with mother the majority of my childhood.
I am overly sensitive, I have feelings of loss at simple goodbyes, and I attach to anyone who likes me and who I like. I am overly rational so I am not swallowed up in these feelings, I just observe them in myself. I've learned to hide my insecurities and shortcomings in the emotional realm. I am a recluse and I'd really like to get out among people and make new relationships.
I've looked for psychologists in my area, but the closest ones my insurance covers are two hours away. As a bicycle is my primary transportation, that is unfeasible.
I've looked into reading material, but my first foray went sour. I downloaded the book "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" but that book is awful. That book is entirely about people who have left relationships and the remaining person's journey to healing. Completely not applicable.
Can someone suggest good reading material or people sources? I really think I can get better talking it out.
Have you read Charles Dickens' novel, David Copperfield?
posted by Carol Anne at 9:49 AM on October 6, 2013
posted by Carol Anne at 9:49 AM on October 6, 2013
Response by poster: When I was a kid. I loved Charles dickens' books because I always identified with the protagonists. I cried uncontrollably when reading Oliver Twist and he was reunited with the old gentleman.
posted by squirbel at 10:28 AM on October 6, 2013
posted by squirbel at 10:28 AM on October 6, 2013
The work of psychologist Alice Miller may be helpful to you.
posted by jayder at 10:53 AM on October 6, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by jayder at 10:53 AM on October 6, 2013 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Eh... She focused on violent abuse, though. :(
posted by squirbel at 11:14 AM on October 6, 2013
posted by squirbel at 11:14 AM on October 6, 2013
In terms of attaching to people too quickly, Women who Love Too Much could be very helpful to you. For fiction, I highly recommend Of Human Bondage by Somerset Maugham.
posted by hazyjane at 11:16 AM on October 6, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by hazyjane at 11:16 AM on October 6, 2013 [2 favorites]
Sorry for all that horribleness you went through. That sounds awful. This might be taking more of an indirect tack, but you might find some comfort or healing through this one:
True Refuge by Tara Brach
posted by mermily at 11:19 AM on October 6, 2013
True Refuge by Tara Brach
posted by mermily at 11:19 AM on October 6, 2013
I really loved Wittgensteins Mistress. I think it perfectly captures dealing with loneliness and surviving. I am working my way through Codependent No More by Melody Beattie and even though it's a little heavy on the higher power stuff I've found it really helpful.
posted by spunweb at 11:42 AM on October 6, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by spunweb at 11:42 AM on October 6, 2013 [1 favorite]
I also struggle with abandonment issues because of my childhood.
Not sure about self help books but the film "The Vanishing" (Dutch version) really resonates with me.
posted by timsneezed at 11:44 AM on October 6, 2013 [3 favorites]
Not sure about self help books but the film "The Vanishing" (Dutch version) really resonates with me.
posted by timsneezed at 11:44 AM on October 6, 2013 [3 favorites]
Re: Alice Miller. I kindly suggest that her work does not focus exclusively on violent physical abuse. Her language can be powerful, for sure, especially as she does speak to the effects of physical and sexual abuse at times. However her focus on the body stems from her belief that all forms of neglect/abuse can emerge as symptoms of the body. Her discussions around rage acknowledge sources not just from physical beatings, but from emotional reappropriation, identity debasement, sabatoge of having a solid understanding of one self, and so on. She addresses people whose parents were suffering through undiagnosed abuse, mental and physical health issues (e.g. drug addiction, mental illness including schizophrenia), which she believes stem from unmet needs as well as trauma endured by the older generation, limiting their ability to be responsive to and supportive of their own children.
So basically, her focus on 'violent' abuse would include emotionally and psychologically violent abuse. She would certainly insist that each time a child had to stifle itself in order to serve the needs of a parent is akin to coercion of the child to commit psychic violence against their own Self. It may be that an abandonment of your True Self, so to speak, is at the core what's bothering you inside, with how it never got a fair start in your childhood environment -- that is the kind of abandonment Alice Miller's "Drama of the Gifted Child" and other books may speak to quite well.
posted by human ecologist at 12:07 PM on October 6, 2013 [5 favorites]
So basically, her focus on 'violent' abuse would include emotionally and psychologically violent abuse. She would certainly insist that each time a child had to stifle itself in order to serve the needs of a parent is akin to coercion of the child to commit psychic violence against their own Self. It may be that an abandonment of your True Self, so to speak, is at the core what's bothering you inside, with how it never got a fair start in your childhood environment -- that is the kind of abandonment Alice Miller's "Drama of the Gifted Child" and other books may speak to quite well.
posted by human ecologist at 12:07 PM on October 6, 2013 [5 favorites]
The best book I have ever read: Reinvent Your Life. Read the chapter on the abandonment schema. It was written by the students of Aaron Beck (father of CBT), who had clients with deeply ingrained emotional patterns that were very difficult or "resistant" to treat. You can also read this (rather poorly designed) website, which is full of information. Reading this will give you a good start on your therapy. Good luck.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 12:17 PM on October 6, 2013 [8 favorites]
posted by St. Peepsburg at 12:17 PM on October 6, 2013 [8 favorites]
This isn't precisely what you are looking for, but I hope it helps. Call your insurance company to confirm that there are no covered psychologists in your area. Contact your HR person if you feel comfortable. See if your company has a healthcare ombudsman to explore this with you. You are not the only person in your company that needs or wants to see a psychologist. I hope there is a mistake somewhere. If not, it is possible a therapist will see you on a sliding scale for about the cost of your copay. When you call, mention that you are coming in to speak about abandonment issues and therefore don't want to start a relationship with someone considering relocating, retirement, or taking extended leave (like maternity leave). I think those people would be a bad fit. Good luck!
posted by studioaudience at 12:30 PM on October 6, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by studioaudience at 12:30 PM on October 6, 2013 [1 favorite]
I don't know if this is what you are looking for but I like this site:
the invisible scar. My story is similar to yours but in reverse - having lived with another family before being given back to my own. Feel free to memail me. It has been a work in progress dealing with some of it and I suspect you'll have the same but it does get easier.
posted by lasamana at 12:45 PM on October 6, 2013 [1 favorite]
the invisible scar. My story is similar to yours but in reverse - having lived with another family before being given back to my own. Feel free to memail me. It has been a work in progress dealing with some of it and I suspect you'll have the same but it does get easier.
posted by lasamana at 12:45 PM on October 6, 2013 [1 favorite]
I also grew up with a schizophrenic mother, and a horrible father. I suffered physical and emotional abuse and especially neglect. I've never heard either of my parents utter the word schizophrenia to this day and I've only just referred to it casually to a few people my whole life. Both my parents still seem to have no idea that they were bad parents ( my mom is now better ) and see no link between past and present. Anyway I just want to tell you that because I never meet or speak to anyone who seems to have an inkling of what schizophrenia is ( most of the time people seem to refer to it as if it were multiple personalities, which it's not). I really hope you get better.
I really think you should try and find a therapist that will either work with you on the phone or through Skype. I think it will be much better than nothing. Also, I've not yet read it, and I don't know if it relates to attachment theory per se but there is a book called Healing Your Emotional Self by Beverly Engel that looks interesting.
posted by Blitz at 1:41 PM on October 6, 2013 [1 favorite]
I really think you should try and find a therapist that will either work with you on the phone or through Skype. I think it will be much better than nothing. Also, I've not yet read it, and I don't know if it relates to attachment theory per se but there is a book called Healing Your Emotional Self by Beverly Engel that looks interesting.
posted by Blitz at 1:41 PM on October 6, 2013 [1 favorite]
Have you read much adoption literature? The Primal Wound might be quite insightful. Also, The Language of Blood is an incredibly powerful memoir written by an adult adoptee.
If you haven't sought out other adult adoptees, that might be a good place to start.
Good luck to you. You were not a bad kid, and you deserve the love and protection you didn't get.
posted by bluedaisy at 8:53 PM on October 6, 2013 [1 favorite]
If you haven't sought out other adult adoptees, that might be a good place to start.
Good luck to you. You were not a bad kid, and you deserve the love and protection you didn't get.
posted by bluedaisy at 8:53 PM on October 6, 2013 [1 favorite]
I am overly sensitive, I have feelings of loss at simple goodbyes, and I attach to anyone who likes me and who I like. I am overly rational so I am not swallowed up in these feelings, I just observe them in myself. I've learned to hide my insecurities and shortcomings in the emotional realm.
This... accept yourself and don't view these things as flaws, view them as aspects of your character that are uniquely you. However, good boundary setting and healthy expression of emotion is also important. Try to include a creative emotional outlet for these feelings as they come up so they have somewhere to go rather than rattling around in your head.
Also, please remember that situations, circumstances or events that you have experienced do not define you and have no control over you. You choose your reality, you're an adult now and you can choose every day to put these feelings behind you and relish in your newfound freedom and opportunity for an ever brighter future.
For me, feeling secure growing up and to this day meant immersing myself in the wonderful world of books. While self-help books are great every now and again, try reading books that you can become enveloped in their world and that you can relate to the story. "Becoming Chloe" by Catherine Ryan Hyde is really powerful for me and I hope if you ever pick it up, that you find it just as comforting as I do.
posted by lunastellasol at 11:26 PM on October 6, 2013
This... accept yourself and don't view these things as flaws, view them as aspects of your character that are uniquely you. However, good boundary setting and healthy expression of emotion is also important. Try to include a creative emotional outlet for these feelings as they come up so they have somewhere to go rather than rattling around in your head.
Also, please remember that situations, circumstances or events that you have experienced do not define you and have no control over you. You choose your reality, you're an adult now and you can choose every day to put these feelings behind you and relish in your newfound freedom and opportunity for an ever brighter future.
For me, feeling secure growing up and to this day meant immersing myself in the wonderful world of books. While self-help books are great every now and again, try reading books that you can become enveloped in their world and that you can relate to the story. "Becoming Chloe" by Catherine Ryan Hyde is really powerful for me and I hope if you ever pick it up, that you find it just as comforting as I do.
posted by lunastellasol at 11:26 PM on October 6, 2013
I'm an adult adoptee whose adoptive family featured mental illness and abuse. I recommend books by Betty Jean Lifton (eg Journey of the Adopted Self), adoptee memoirs, and non-adoption books like Toxic Parents and Stop Walking on Eggshells. A lot of adoption literature presumes you're eternally wounded because of being adopted; if that's not a controversial statement for you (Verrier's Primal Wound is controversial for some, gospel for others) then really the whole of the genre is open to you. Look at Amazon's suggestions for books related to Lifton books. I like Verrier, Pavao, Schooler, Soll, and Evelyn Burns Robinson for your situation. And note that some books that are focused on searching for birth parents also contain valuable sections on adoptee identity and abandonment issues.
IMO it's really difficult to do this without in person feedback. If therapy truly isn't an option, find or start a local support group for adult adoptees--many of which comprise members with similar issues from both the act of being adopted and from blowback in the adoptive family. The potential downfall of an adoptee support group for you is that many adoptees in support groups are focused for a long time on searching as much as or more than processing feelings about being adopted or abandoned. It varies from group to group. But if you started one yourself you could somewhat steer it in the direction you wanted.
Memail me if you like. I'd be glad to offer more help if I can.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 4:33 AM on October 7, 2013
IMO it's really difficult to do this without in person feedback. If therapy truly isn't an option, find or start a local support group for adult adoptees--many of which comprise members with similar issues from both the act of being adopted and from blowback in the adoptive family. The potential downfall of an adoptee support group for you is that many adoptees in support groups are focused for a long time on searching as much as or more than processing feelings about being adopted or abandoned. It varies from group to group. But if you started one yourself you could somewhat steer it in the direction you wanted.
Memail me if you like. I'd be glad to offer more help if I can.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 4:33 AM on October 7, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
Nothing for you in terms of reading, I'm sorry.
posted by blnkfrnk at 9:44 AM on October 6, 2013 [1 favorite]