I feel abandoned and like my life is a lie
November 16, 2014 11:01 PM Subscribe
I consider myself a people person. I like to get to know other people of all walks of life. I make an effort to keep in touch with them, remember things that are going on in their life, and see them in person when I can. But it seems like most people don't do the same for me. How do I process these feelings and maintain realistic expectations of relationships that don't leave me hurt?
These are people from current work, grad school, and my last city. We're in our late twenties to mid thirties. Maybe half are married/partnered, at most a fourth have kids.
At work I've realized a few times that people I thought were friends are hanging out without me. This is information I've overheard in conversation or e-mails I've noticed on other people's computers. This is even when one of them has talked to me during that same day and thus might have thought to invite me, even if it just slipped their mind when they were sending out an invite or the gathering was something that came up impromptu in conversation. This has happened multiple times over the past few months. Yes, I've accepted previous invitations and yes, I've sometimes been the one to initiate gatherings. We've hung out regularly in the past.
I'll come back to my last city (where I lived for a decade, I wasn't just passing through, these are people I've known for years) a few times a year and send out an invitation to get together and most of the people won't even bother to respond. Or people will come through my current town and not bother to even try and grab a quick lunch with me.
But I notice from Facebook that they do keep in touch with other people from the same social group - pictures of them getting together or even just likes or comments on statuses or posts on walls. Some of these are also people who have moved. Meanwhile, I used to post to Facebook semi-regularly, and I've had major events happen over the past year or so (some good, some bad) that I've made public on there, and it's just complete radio silence, both on Facebook and off. I don't want to make this about Facebook though, so I'll also mention that some of this information about people hanging out or talking comes from the grapevine, talking to other people who say they've been talking to or hanging out with so-and-so. These school/hometown people too are all people I've hung out with in person at least semi-regularly in the past and have talked to via cell/text/e-mail.
I just generally feel abandoned and like my life is a lie - I thought I had friends but I don't. I put in a lot of effort and thoughtfulness for other people and it hasn't been returned. What kind of life do I have to show for my efforts? And my 10 years in my last city, the life I thought I had - what was it all really? This life I thought I had there, the one that had kept me in place there probably longer than it should have - it just crumbled into dust. I don't get to know people for some sort of tit-for-tat return on investment, but I feel like I foolishly wasted a lot of time and effort. I feel hurt and rejected.
When I was younger I had a bad experience in middle school (didn't we all?) where I had no friends and was picked on, and this left serious repercussions for years, mainly major anxiety over new situations that involved breaking into preexisting social circles and making new friends. However, I thought I'd finally, 15 years later, conquered that. When I moved cities and changed jobs a few years ago I managed to make some new friends and had little anxiety over the whole thing. But these recent events, coupled with being single for a year and a half, longer than ever in my adult life, are raising old demons from the dead. Just when I was starting to feel like I could be comfortable with myself.
I know Facebook is notorious for making you feel bad about your life, particularly if you're prone to depression, so I've stopped looking at it pretty much completely. I've wondered if I come across as desperate or needy, so I've also withdrawn a bit from other people, toned it down a bit on sending texts or messages or e-mails or initiating get-togethers. I don't really post on Facebook anymore, I've generally turned inward and focused on my personal goals and my hobbies, thought about ways to meet new people and try new things, and focused on contact only with people I know really like and care about me, my few close friends.
Still, the feeling remains. I'll also mention I'm prone to depression and jumping to the worst conclusions, and I'm not going to paint this picture that I have no friends at all. That's not true. But the evidence is mounting that I don't have as many as I thought I did and now I feel adrift. And hurt, I won't lie. My life is much emptier than I thought. Now what? How do I process these feelings? How do I keep all of my interactions with existing friends (or I guess I should call them acquaintances) from being tinged with bitterness and score keeping? How do I find balance in future relationships between the friendly, open person I want to be but not giving too much of myself away without realizing it until later?
Thanks.
These are people from current work, grad school, and my last city. We're in our late twenties to mid thirties. Maybe half are married/partnered, at most a fourth have kids.
At work I've realized a few times that people I thought were friends are hanging out without me. This is information I've overheard in conversation or e-mails I've noticed on other people's computers. This is even when one of them has talked to me during that same day and thus might have thought to invite me, even if it just slipped their mind when they were sending out an invite or the gathering was something that came up impromptu in conversation. This has happened multiple times over the past few months. Yes, I've accepted previous invitations and yes, I've sometimes been the one to initiate gatherings. We've hung out regularly in the past.
I'll come back to my last city (where I lived for a decade, I wasn't just passing through, these are people I've known for years) a few times a year and send out an invitation to get together and most of the people won't even bother to respond. Or people will come through my current town and not bother to even try and grab a quick lunch with me.
But I notice from Facebook that they do keep in touch with other people from the same social group - pictures of them getting together or even just likes or comments on statuses or posts on walls. Some of these are also people who have moved. Meanwhile, I used to post to Facebook semi-regularly, and I've had major events happen over the past year or so (some good, some bad) that I've made public on there, and it's just complete radio silence, both on Facebook and off. I don't want to make this about Facebook though, so I'll also mention that some of this information about people hanging out or talking comes from the grapevine, talking to other people who say they've been talking to or hanging out with so-and-so. These school/hometown people too are all people I've hung out with in person at least semi-regularly in the past and have talked to via cell/text/e-mail.
I just generally feel abandoned and like my life is a lie - I thought I had friends but I don't. I put in a lot of effort and thoughtfulness for other people and it hasn't been returned. What kind of life do I have to show for my efforts? And my 10 years in my last city, the life I thought I had - what was it all really? This life I thought I had there, the one that had kept me in place there probably longer than it should have - it just crumbled into dust. I don't get to know people for some sort of tit-for-tat return on investment, but I feel like I foolishly wasted a lot of time and effort. I feel hurt and rejected.
When I was younger I had a bad experience in middle school (didn't we all?) where I had no friends and was picked on, and this left serious repercussions for years, mainly major anxiety over new situations that involved breaking into preexisting social circles and making new friends. However, I thought I'd finally, 15 years later, conquered that. When I moved cities and changed jobs a few years ago I managed to make some new friends and had little anxiety over the whole thing. But these recent events, coupled with being single for a year and a half, longer than ever in my adult life, are raising old demons from the dead. Just when I was starting to feel like I could be comfortable with myself.
I know Facebook is notorious for making you feel bad about your life, particularly if you're prone to depression, so I've stopped looking at it pretty much completely. I've wondered if I come across as desperate or needy, so I've also withdrawn a bit from other people, toned it down a bit on sending texts or messages or e-mails or initiating get-togethers. I don't really post on Facebook anymore, I've generally turned inward and focused on my personal goals and my hobbies, thought about ways to meet new people and try new things, and focused on contact only with people I know really like and care about me, my few close friends.
Still, the feeling remains. I'll also mention I'm prone to depression and jumping to the worst conclusions, and I'm not going to paint this picture that I have no friends at all. That's not true. But the evidence is mounting that I don't have as many as I thought I did and now I feel adrift. And hurt, I won't lie. My life is much emptier than I thought. Now what? How do I process these feelings? How do I keep all of my interactions with existing friends (or I guess I should call them acquaintances) from being tinged with bitterness and score keeping? How do I find balance in future relationships between the friendly, open person I want to be but not giving too much of myself away without realizing it until later?
Thanks.
Hi, just chiming in to encourage you to hang in there, and agreeing with the Facebook break.
I heard a radio show about Facebook making people feel more isolated and one factor is that everyone posts things that show them not being lonely... And then imagines everyone else is never lonely because of this skewed representation.
As an extrovert I'd also note that some people have lots of connections that aren't really very close, and they may, like you, just have one or two close friends.
So appearances can be deceiving and comparisons can be unhelpful...
My other thought is if, when you initiate activities, you always ask out the whole group to socialize, or sometimes just the one or two people where you thought you clicked, or shared particular interests.
Inviting everyone may seem like its more of a "we're all in the group due to the job" event rather than a "let's be friends" invitation. So people may just assume you have your close friends elsewhere and are being a friendly coworker ...
I think we've all had that experience in group settingsbof feeling left out, jealous, or confused by the relationship... The hard part is not letting those ideas take over.
posted by chapps at 12:21 AM on November 17, 2014 [5 favorites]
I heard a radio show about Facebook making people feel more isolated and one factor is that everyone posts things that show them not being lonely... And then imagines everyone else is never lonely because of this skewed representation.
As an extrovert I'd also note that some people have lots of connections that aren't really very close, and they may, like you, just have one or two close friends.
So appearances can be deceiving and comparisons can be unhelpful...
My other thought is if, when you initiate activities, you always ask out the whole group to socialize, or sometimes just the one or two people where you thought you clicked, or shared particular interests.
Inviting everyone may seem like its more of a "we're all in the group due to the job" event rather than a "let's be friends" invitation. So people may just assume you have your close friends elsewhere and are being a friendly coworker ...
I think we've all had that experience in group settingsbof feeling left out, jealous, or confused by the relationship... The hard part is not letting those ideas take over.
posted by chapps at 12:21 AM on November 17, 2014 [5 favorites]
Hey,
Sorry you're hurting. I've always been a FB cynic/avoider so take what I say about it with a pinch of salt but I'd hazard a guess, as you allude to, it ain't a gauge of how great peoples lives are going.. more often than not. Indeed some research suggests the better it looks on there the crapper it is IRL. Not to wish a crap life on anyone, just to say the image people project is often a compensation.
Even when it does look all great (real life) look close enough and you can generally see the cracks.
I'd suggest reading up on attachment theory. If you have an insecure attachment style relational knocks can hurt like a total fucker, amplifying that original injury, whereas someone with a secure style can just be more philosophical about stuff. "It's just life".. and not take it so personally. (I'm the former by the way.. so can really hear ya).. it's one reason I also avoid net-dating.. just couldn't hack all that too-ing and throwing and false starts.
Peoples lifes do ramp up in busy-ness, their lives become more privatised, their views and actions more conservative (often).. if yours has gone a different way that can feel really personal (more than it is I think). Might be worth seeking out some younger friends of even an al-anon/coda type group for some unconditional acceptance. It's bloody exhausting and painful when you'ld like some constants in your life, but there are people out there looking for that depth of connection and willing (and situationally able) to put the work in. You're not alone in this.
posted by tanktop at 1:02 AM on November 17, 2014 [6 favorites]
Sorry you're hurting. I've always been a FB cynic/avoider so take what I say about it with a pinch of salt but I'd hazard a guess, as you allude to, it ain't a gauge of how great peoples lives are going.. more often than not. Indeed some research suggests the better it looks on there the crapper it is IRL. Not to wish a crap life on anyone, just to say the image people project is often a compensation.
Even when it does look all great (real life) look close enough and you can generally see the cracks.
I'd suggest reading up on attachment theory. If you have an insecure attachment style relational knocks can hurt like a total fucker, amplifying that original injury, whereas someone with a secure style can just be more philosophical about stuff. "It's just life".. and not take it so personally. (I'm the former by the way.. so can really hear ya).. it's one reason I also avoid net-dating.. just couldn't hack all that too-ing and throwing and false starts.
Peoples lifes do ramp up in busy-ness, their lives become more privatised, their views and actions more conservative (often).. if yours has gone a different way that can feel really personal (more than it is I think). Might be worth seeking out some younger friends of even an al-anon/coda type group for some unconditional acceptance. It's bloody exhausting and painful when you'ld like some constants in your life, but there are people out there looking for that depth of connection and willing (and situationally able) to put the work in. You're not alone in this.
posted by tanktop at 1:02 AM on November 17, 2014 [6 favorites]
I'm sorry, but I'm going to disagree with the above answers. These are former coworkers you're talking about, and probably they --- like a lot of people --- are pretty much "out of sight, out of mind" when it comes to former coworkers.... they are there at their job to DO that job, not to make friends; being friendly with one's coworkers makes the job go smoother, but they considered you a work-friend, not a real friend-friend, and have moved on. You're dealing with a conflict of intentions: you thought you were making friends, they were being friendly with their coworkers rather than building friendships.
And on a minor note: wanting to know all about your coworkers and what's going on in their lives feels a tiny bit stalkerish..... maybe back off just a little?
posted by easily confused at 2:55 AM on November 17, 2014 [12 favorites]
And on a minor note: wanting to know all about your coworkers and what's going on in their lives feels a tiny bit stalkerish..... maybe back off just a little?
posted by easily confused at 2:55 AM on November 17, 2014 [12 favorites]
...and the buddha said thus:
"Young man, be aware of these four enemies disguised as friends: the taker, the talker, the flatterer, and the reckless companion. The taker can be identified by four things: by only taking, asking for a lot while giving little, performing duty out of fear, and offering service in order to gain something. The talker can be identified by four things: by reminding of past generosity, promising future generosity, mouthing empty words of kindness, and protesting personal misfortune when called on to help. The flatterer can be identified by four things: by supporting both bad and good behavior indiscriminately, praising you to your face, and putting you down behind your back. The reckless companion can be identified by four things: by accompanying you in drinking, roaming around at night, partying, and gambling."
"Young man, be aware of these four good-hearted friends: the helper, the friend who endures in good times and bad, the mentor, and the compassionate friend. The helper can be identified by four things: by protecting you when you are vulnerable, and likewise your wealth, being a refuge when you are afraid, and in various tasks providing double what is requested. The enduring friend can be identified by four things: by telling you secrets, guarding your own secrets closely, not abandoning you in misfortune, and even dying for you. The mentor can be identified by four things: by restraining you from wrongdoing, guiding you towards good actions, telling you what you ought to know, and showing you the path to heaven. The compassionate friend can be identified by four things: by not rejoicing in your misfortune, delighting in your good fortune, preventing others from speaking ill of you, and encouraging others who praise your good qualities."
I have learned through the years that even among people who seem to have many friends, very few of them would be approved by Buddha. Don't attach your identity to your "friends" or to being a "people person". That's more likely going to get you into trouble.
posted by rancher at 3:10 AM on November 17, 2014 [110 favorites]
"Young man, be aware of these four enemies disguised as friends: the taker, the talker, the flatterer, and the reckless companion. The taker can be identified by four things: by only taking, asking for a lot while giving little, performing duty out of fear, and offering service in order to gain something. The talker can be identified by four things: by reminding of past generosity, promising future generosity, mouthing empty words of kindness, and protesting personal misfortune when called on to help. The flatterer can be identified by four things: by supporting both bad and good behavior indiscriminately, praising you to your face, and putting you down behind your back. The reckless companion can be identified by four things: by accompanying you in drinking, roaming around at night, partying, and gambling."
"Young man, be aware of these four good-hearted friends: the helper, the friend who endures in good times and bad, the mentor, and the compassionate friend. The helper can be identified by four things: by protecting you when you are vulnerable, and likewise your wealth, being a refuge when you are afraid, and in various tasks providing double what is requested. The enduring friend can be identified by four things: by telling you secrets, guarding your own secrets closely, not abandoning you in misfortune, and even dying for you. The mentor can be identified by four things: by restraining you from wrongdoing, guiding you towards good actions, telling you what you ought to know, and showing you the path to heaven. The compassionate friend can be identified by four things: by not rejoicing in your misfortune, delighting in your good fortune, preventing others from speaking ill of you, and encouraging others who praise your good qualities."
I have learned through the years that even among people who seem to have many friends, very few of them would be approved by Buddha. Don't attach your identity to your "friends" or to being a "people person". That's more likely going to get you into trouble.
posted by rancher at 3:10 AM on November 17, 2014 [110 favorites]
It sounds like a lot of your identity is tied up in being in a large group of people who are all close friends. If that is important to you I'd suggest doing a group activity with a bunch of gregarious people. Rock climbing comes to mind but check your local meet ups for groups that seem full of regulars and extroverts.
People don't invite everyone to everything after college anymore. It's just not practical or realistic. If you want to get a group together, initiate it, but otherwise it's not really your business what they're doing when you're not around. In my workplace, there's one group of "besties" that seem to do everything together. After being part of that group for a few months I realized it was a hot mess of drama. I've since come to believe that groups of adult friends that do everything together are very likely to be dysfunctional.
Most friends are acquaintances as adults. That's just how it is, because we are stretched thin and busy in our 30s. It sounds like you're really paying attention to and monitoring what other people are doing in their spare time. That's not really your business, especially since most of this you're gleaning from overheads conversations and emails you've looked at on your coworkers screens. If you hear people talking I think it's fine to say "hey let me know the next time you have drinks, I'd love to join!" Otherwise? Leave it be.
Therapy might do a world of good. You remind me of an ex-friend I had. She's an ex friend because she treated me like a therapist and because she was constantly in some kind of drama spiral revolving around other people. You'll have to be honest with your therapist but it might be a very good place for you to explore this stuff.
Adults just don't have a million best friends. There isn't time. There's nothing wrong with having lots of acquaintances. In my view that's a bit healthier. Vulnerability is a key component of real friendship and it's important to be very careful with your soft underbelly. Particularly at work.
Best of luck to you as you figure this out.
posted by sockermom at 3:57 AM on November 17, 2014 [6 favorites]
People don't invite everyone to everything after college anymore. It's just not practical or realistic. If you want to get a group together, initiate it, but otherwise it's not really your business what they're doing when you're not around. In my workplace, there's one group of "besties" that seem to do everything together. After being part of that group for a few months I realized it was a hot mess of drama. I've since come to believe that groups of adult friends that do everything together are very likely to be dysfunctional.
Most friends are acquaintances as adults. That's just how it is, because we are stretched thin and busy in our 30s. It sounds like you're really paying attention to and monitoring what other people are doing in their spare time. That's not really your business, especially since most of this you're gleaning from overheads conversations and emails you've looked at on your coworkers screens. If you hear people talking I think it's fine to say "hey let me know the next time you have drinks, I'd love to join!" Otherwise? Leave it be.
Therapy might do a world of good. You remind me of an ex-friend I had. She's an ex friend because she treated me like a therapist and because she was constantly in some kind of drama spiral revolving around other people. You'll have to be honest with your therapist but it might be a very good place for you to explore this stuff.
Adults just don't have a million best friends. There isn't time. There's nothing wrong with having lots of acquaintances. In my view that's a bit healthier. Vulnerability is a key component of real friendship and it's important to be very careful with your soft underbelly. Particularly at work.
Best of luck to you as you figure this out.
posted by sockermom at 3:57 AM on November 17, 2014 [6 favorites]
At work I've realized a few times that people I thought were friends are hanging out without me.
Well...yes! Of course sometimes you are excluded. Some times, other people are excluded. That doesn't mean that people don't enjoy your company.
I put in a lot of effort and thoughtfulness for other people and it hasn't been returned.
This is verging into bean-counting territory. Relationships aren't built on quid pro quo or carefully calculated trades. They are built on similar perspectives on life, shared interests, etc.
You say that you've pretty much stopped looking at Facebook - I think that's great. But I also encourage you to do something about your insecurity and to reframe the way you think about friendship. That might come through spending time devoted to yourself and things you love; therapy; reading about friendship; or some combination thereof. Your insecurity and bean-counting are hurting you, but they also make you a less appealing friend - this is a vicious cycle.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 4:18 AM on November 17, 2014 [6 favorites]
Well...yes! Of course sometimes you are excluded. Some times, other people are excluded. That doesn't mean that people don't enjoy your company.
I put in a lot of effort and thoughtfulness for other people and it hasn't been returned.
This is verging into bean-counting territory. Relationships aren't built on quid pro quo or carefully calculated trades. They are built on similar perspectives on life, shared interests, etc.
You say that you've pretty much stopped looking at Facebook - I think that's great. But I also encourage you to do something about your insecurity and to reframe the way you think about friendship. That might come through spending time devoted to yourself and things you love; therapy; reading about friendship; or some combination thereof. Your insecurity and bean-counting are hurting you, but they also make you a less appealing friend - this is a vicious cycle.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 4:18 AM on November 17, 2014 [6 favorites]
Woah. What rancher wrote - heady stuff for 6am. But true regardless.
I'd add the following:
posted by doctor tough love at 4:19 AM on November 17, 2014 [15 favorites]
I'd add the following:
A prudent man, remembering that life is short, gives an hour or two, now and then, to a critical examination of his friendships. He weighs them, edits them, tests the metal of them. A few he retains, perhaps with radical changes in their terms. But the majority he expunges from his minutes and tries to forget, as he tries to forget the cold and clammy loves of year before last.It sucks that you're going through this, but - you can recover.
-- H. L. Mencken
posted by doctor tough love at 4:19 AM on November 17, 2014 [15 favorites]
I had a group of friends at one point that were similar to what you described. A group of friends from school. I had moved away for several years, but kept in contact, and then when I moved back I expected to pick right back up where I had left off. However, that didn't happen and I felt extremely hurt and rejected.
After a lot of heartache, I finally let the friendship go. And you know what? It was the best thing I have ever done. I didn't miss them for a minute because I had already mourned the loss the of the friendship. Now I didn't do anything dramatic, I just stopped inviting them to things full stop. I didn't unfriend them, but I didn't hide them from my feed. I also deleted them from gchat so I wouldn't have to see logged on everyday and feel tempted to reach out. If I happened to see them somewhere I made polite chit chat for 5 minutes and moved on.
Letting go of them freed up time in my life to meet other people and now I have a new group of friends that actually include me in things and make an effort. I really can't understate how much happier I am now that they are out of my lives.
Hilariously, about a year after I stopped initiating any contact, one of the members of the group who I was still in contact with (the only member who had made an effort to maintain a one on one friendship) came to me and asked why I "hated" everyone because they all hadn't seen or heard from me in "months." I reminded him it was actually more like a year and a half and that I didn't hate anyone, I just stopped trying because I was the only one making an effort with them and I had decided to no longer maintain one sided friendships. After that I started getting invited to things, but by then I no long saw them in the same light and so I politely decline.
posted by whoaali at 4:48 AM on November 17, 2014 [10 favorites]
After a lot of heartache, I finally let the friendship go. And you know what? It was the best thing I have ever done. I didn't miss them for a minute because I had already mourned the loss the of the friendship. Now I didn't do anything dramatic, I just stopped inviting them to things full stop. I didn't unfriend them, but I didn't hide them from my feed. I also deleted them from gchat so I wouldn't have to see logged on everyday and feel tempted to reach out. If I happened to see them somewhere I made polite chit chat for 5 minutes and moved on.
Letting go of them freed up time in my life to meet other people and now I have a new group of friends that actually include me in things and make an effort. I really can't understate how much happier I am now that they are out of my lives.
Hilariously, about a year after I stopped initiating any contact, one of the members of the group who I was still in contact with (the only member who had made an effort to maintain a one on one friendship) came to me and asked why I "hated" everyone because they all hadn't seen or heard from me in "months." I reminded him it was actually more like a year and a half and that I didn't hate anyone, I just stopped trying because I was the only one making an effort with them and I had decided to no longer maintain one sided friendships. After that I started getting invited to things, but by then I no long saw them in the same light and so I politely decline.
posted by whoaali at 4:48 AM on November 17, 2014 [10 favorites]
Now what?
Make some new friends. The people you know aren't compatible with what you want, so go look for some people who are. Don't try to make people into something that they aren't. Your brain will try hard to keep a connection that already exists (see: the aftermath of pretty much every relationship that has ever ended), but there has to be something to attach to.
How do I process these feelings?
By feeling them. Throw yourself into them wholeheartedly and realise that they're just emotions and can't actually hurt you. Get right in there and feel sad and lonely without any kind of judgement. Then, when you're done feeling them, take an objective look at what they're trying to say to you. If you want X and Y, then go find someone or something who can give it to you. If you want a lot of human connection, then look for ways to get that want met.
How do I keep all of my interactions with existing friends (or I guess I should call them acquaintances) from being tinged with bitterness and score keeping?
You say you don't do things for a return on investment, but you also say that you put in a lot of effort and thoughtfulness for other people that hasn't been returned. If you know it hasn't been returned, you kind of are keeping score. By not keeping score. It's kind of like "forgive and forget", but slightly different as these people haven't wronged you. It seems that you've set up a situation where you perform in various ways and expect people to react the way you want them to. Unfortunately, other people have their own whims and concerns to think about and the fact that you're being nice to them doesn't mean that they're going to like you or want to spend time with you. If you do something nice for someone, do it without any kind of expectation of reward. If you can't do it without expecting something in return, check your motivations and don't do it.
By following the rule of "I made someone a cake, therefore they should invite me to their party", you're setting yourself up for failure. Make someone a cake because you want to make them a cake. Don't make it because you want them to like you or invite you to the party. An even better course of action is to make the cake because *you* enjoy making the cake, then find someone to give it to where you don't care what the person you're giving it to does. It's not a gift if it comes with strings, even if they're as nebulous as feeling like you're worthy of friendship because you have friends.
How do I find balance in future relationships between the friendly, open person I want to be but not giving too much of myself away without realizing it until later?
Vulnerability is really important in relationships. It's the last thing that we display, but the first thing we look for in other people. It's not only our own vulnerability that's important, it's how we perceive other people's vulnerability. Me being vulnerable is probably different to you being vulnerable, even though we're both "being vulnerable". If you're never vulnerable, people will find it difficult to make a connection. Brené Brown has a TED talk about this. Vulnerability can be as simple as telling a funny story about the time you fell over in the street, giving people a chance to laugh and sympathise.
Other people are not there to distract you from the pain of loneliness. For your own benefit, deal with yourself first. Learn to be comfortable with yourself, because you are the only person who can make you happy. You can only give to someone else what you already have. When you have more than enough love and kindness, you can give it away to people. Spend some time learning to love and like yourself, and when you can do that, friends will come flocking in. People will want to know you and form a connection to you, because you'll be radiating love.
posted by Solomon at 5:21 AM on November 17, 2014 [14 favorites]
Make some new friends. The people you know aren't compatible with what you want, so go look for some people who are. Don't try to make people into something that they aren't. Your brain will try hard to keep a connection that already exists (see: the aftermath of pretty much every relationship that has ever ended), but there has to be something to attach to.
How do I process these feelings?
By feeling them. Throw yourself into them wholeheartedly and realise that they're just emotions and can't actually hurt you. Get right in there and feel sad and lonely without any kind of judgement. Then, when you're done feeling them, take an objective look at what they're trying to say to you. If you want X and Y, then go find someone or something who can give it to you. If you want a lot of human connection, then look for ways to get that want met.
How do I keep all of my interactions with existing friends (or I guess I should call them acquaintances) from being tinged with bitterness and score keeping?
You say you don't do things for a return on investment, but you also say that you put in a lot of effort and thoughtfulness for other people that hasn't been returned. If you know it hasn't been returned, you kind of are keeping score. By not keeping score. It's kind of like "forgive and forget", but slightly different as these people haven't wronged you. It seems that you've set up a situation where you perform in various ways and expect people to react the way you want them to. Unfortunately, other people have their own whims and concerns to think about and the fact that you're being nice to them doesn't mean that they're going to like you or want to spend time with you. If you do something nice for someone, do it without any kind of expectation of reward. If you can't do it without expecting something in return, check your motivations and don't do it.
By following the rule of "I made someone a cake, therefore they should invite me to their party", you're setting yourself up for failure. Make someone a cake because you want to make them a cake. Don't make it because you want them to like you or invite you to the party. An even better course of action is to make the cake because *you* enjoy making the cake, then find someone to give it to where you don't care what the person you're giving it to does. It's not a gift if it comes with strings, even if they're as nebulous as feeling like you're worthy of friendship because you have friends.
How do I find balance in future relationships between the friendly, open person I want to be but not giving too much of myself away without realizing it until later?
Vulnerability is really important in relationships. It's the last thing that we display, but the first thing we look for in other people. It's not only our own vulnerability that's important, it's how we perceive other people's vulnerability. Me being vulnerable is probably different to you being vulnerable, even though we're both "being vulnerable". If you're never vulnerable, people will find it difficult to make a connection. Brené Brown has a TED talk about this. Vulnerability can be as simple as telling a funny story about the time you fell over in the street, giving people a chance to laugh and sympathise.
Other people are not there to distract you from the pain of loneliness. For your own benefit, deal with yourself first. Learn to be comfortable with yourself, because you are the only person who can make you happy. You can only give to someone else what you already have. When you have more than enough love and kindness, you can give it away to people. Spend some time learning to love and like yourself, and when you can do that, friends will come flocking in. People will want to know you and form a connection to you, because you'll be radiating love.
posted by Solomon at 5:21 AM on November 17, 2014 [14 favorites]
I wanted to chime in and say that Facebook doesn't show me about 80% of things that people post. Even if I have specifically "followed" someone, I won't see their posts whenever Facebook decides to change their algorithms. (I have had to unfollow and refollow people to correct this)
TL;DR - it is entirely possible that no one saw your posts on Facebook, even if they are following you. Especially (I believe) if you're not too active on Facebook.
posted by getawaysticks at 6:11 AM on November 17, 2014 [5 favorites]
TL;DR - it is entirely possible that no one saw your posts on Facebook, even if they are following you. Especially (I believe) if you're not too active on Facebook.
posted by getawaysticks at 6:11 AM on November 17, 2014 [5 favorites]
Also Solomon's excellent comment above with the cake example reminded me that I once asked a similar question and got a lot of helpful responses: I feel unappreciated, how to deal?
posted by sockermom at 6:46 AM on November 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by sockermom at 6:46 AM on November 17, 2014 [1 favorite]
Don't fret, these things are all perfectly normal.
You have a tight friend group in school. High School and/or College. You go through wars together, and then after graduation, they fade away.
There's a time when you're really close with your work friends. You all do happy hour together, you rent ski cabins together for long weekends, you do house-shares in the Hamptons in the summer. Then people leave the company, or move up into management, or get married, or have children. Suddenly, you all are on different wavelengths and aren't seeing each other any more.
Sometimes you're a 75% fit in the group. Once everyone but me got invited to go skiing one weekend. I was really hurt. It turns out that the invited people liked to do coke and I didn't. They thought I was a drag because of it, and even at the time, after I heard the stories, I was SO thankful I didn't go because it would have been a nightmare.
In high school I was in a group of friends, one of whom was practically my sister, as she lived with my family for 5 years (seriously.) In senior year I was attending community college part-time, so I wasn't around as much. My bestie and the other friend went off together. They joined a gym, went to concerts and hung out without me. I was hurt, they left me out of their plans. But I realized that by doing MY thing, I left them a bit too. I buddied up with another of my friends, and we got closer.
Now the girl I buddied up with is one of my dearest friends, my former bestie from middle school is still a bud, but we're not what I would call close. (Of course if I moved to Seattle, I could pick up right where we left off.)
My point is that friendships are elastic and maliable. Some endure a lifetime, some are just in a time and place.
If you're anxious about friends I think that you value each kind of friend equally, and that's just not the case. Some people are friendly, but they're not your friends. Some people you know from work, but they're not your friends. In my world we can talk once a month, see each other every few months and still be thick as theives.
As you get older, friends play a different role in your life. As people partner and start families, while they still enjoy friendships, the bulk of their social interactions are with and within their families.
So nurture different friendships in different groups. If you're being excluded in one group, pick up with someone else for a while. If you're missed, you'll be asked back, if not, oh well, things change.
It feels personal, but some friendships are more shallow than others. While you can have a perfectly lovely time with folks, and you can be happy to see them again if your paths cross, they're really acquaintences, not friends.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:07 AM on November 17, 2014 [6 favorites]
You have a tight friend group in school. High School and/or College. You go through wars together, and then after graduation, they fade away.
There's a time when you're really close with your work friends. You all do happy hour together, you rent ski cabins together for long weekends, you do house-shares in the Hamptons in the summer. Then people leave the company, or move up into management, or get married, or have children. Suddenly, you all are on different wavelengths and aren't seeing each other any more.
Sometimes you're a 75% fit in the group. Once everyone but me got invited to go skiing one weekend. I was really hurt. It turns out that the invited people liked to do coke and I didn't. They thought I was a drag because of it, and even at the time, after I heard the stories, I was SO thankful I didn't go because it would have been a nightmare.
In high school I was in a group of friends, one of whom was practically my sister, as she lived with my family for 5 years (seriously.) In senior year I was attending community college part-time, so I wasn't around as much. My bestie and the other friend went off together. They joined a gym, went to concerts and hung out without me. I was hurt, they left me out of their plans. But I realized that by doing MY thing, I left them a bit too. I buddied up with another of my friends, and we got closer.
Now the girl I buddied up with is one of my dearest friends, my former bestie from middle school is still a bud, but we're not what I would call close. (Of course if I moved to Seattle, I could pick up right where we left off.)
My point is that friendships are elastic and maliable. Some endure a lifetime, some are just in a time and place.
If you're anxious about friends I think that you value each kind of friend equally, and that's just not the case. Some people are friendly, but they're not your friends. Some people you know from work, but they're not your friends. In my world we can talk once a month, see each other every few months and still be thick as theives.
As you get older, friends play a different role in your life. As people partner and start families, while they still enjoy friendships, the bulk of their social interactions are with and within their families.
So nurture different friendships in different groups. If you're being excluded in one group, pick up with someone else for a while. If you're missed, you'll be asked back, if not, oh well, things change.
It feels personal, but some friendships are more shallow than others. While you can have a perfectly lovely time with folks, and you can be happy to see them again if your paths cross, they're really acquaintences, not friends.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:07 AM on November 17, 2014 [6 favorites]
...or as Judith Viorst said somewhere, "people are friends in spots."
posted by mmiddle at 7:33 AM on November 17, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by mmiddle at 7:33 AM on November 17, 2014 [2 favorites]
In my experience, this feeling is a common transition from youth to adulthood. I believe almost everyone goes through a period of feeling that you are surrounded and invested in a group of friends that take instead of give. I am an extrovert, a giver, a supportive friend, someone you want with you when things go wrong. And in my thirties, I found myself in your situation, feeling totally unappreciated and used. My very best friends only called me when they needed something, I did not get a call to participate in the fun things unless I was the one planning. It's pretty hurtful to realize that your gifts are taken for granted or not valued.
First, I had to remind myself that my giving nature was special and valued, and deserved to be respected and returned. I had to redirect my focus to more positive and productive activities. I had to spend my energies in the places that I received something back for the effort, even if it was just a smile of appreciation. (For instance, spending hours making hand-made Christmas gifts, when most of my extended family would rather have a Starbucks gift card. Now I only give hand-made gifts to the couple of people that had appreciated them in the past.) And when I did that, I found other people who did share my values and returned my efforts in kind. It took a long time. I had to learn how to say no to my previous friends. I had to find activities that would put me in the path of like-minded people.
And second, I had to come to terms with how a giving nature actually works. I love and give because of who I am, not because of what I get back in return. So it's not really a tit-for-tat thing. But it's a special gift that deserves to be respected and returned, so I became much more particular about who I invested in. I'm not a martyr, I need the feedback and reinforcement. And that's a healthy attitude, not a selfish one. And it's worked out for me. I am a quality person, and I need to be surrounded by other quality people. It's not easy to realign your social life this way, but it's worth the effort.
posted by raisingsand at 8:04 AM on November 17, 2014 [10 favorites]
First, I had to remind myself that my giving nature was special and valued, and deserved to be respected and returned. I had to redirect my focus to more positive and productive activities. I had to spend my energies in the places that I received something back for the effort, even if it was just a smile of appreciation. (For instance, spending hours making hand-made Christmas gifts, when most of my extended family would rather have a Starbucks gift card. Now I only give hand-made gifts to the couple of people that had appreciated them in the past.) And when I did that, I found other people who did share my values and returned my efforts in kind. It took a long time. I had to learn how to say no to my previous friends. I had to find activities that would put me in the path of like-minded people.
And second, I had to come to terms with how a giving nature actually works. I love and give because of who I am, not because of what I get back in return. So it's not really a tit-for-tat thing. But it's a special gift that deserves to be respected and returned, so I became much more particular about who I invested in. I'm not a martyr, I need the feedback and reinforcement. And that's a healthy attitude, not a selfish one. And it's worked out for me. I am a quality person, and I need to be surrounded by other quality people. It's not easy to realign your social life this way, but it's worth the effort.
posted by raisingsand at 8:04 AM on November 17, 2014 [10 favorites]
People have made some great points above but I wanted to highlight the part of your question that stood out for me:
I'm not going to paint this picture that I have no friends at all. That's not true. But the evidence is mounting that I don't have as many as I thought I did
One thing I do when I'm getting offended because XYZ person who I wanted to become friends with, or thought I was better friends with, doesn't reciprocate my efforts, or didn't respond to a request or a confidence in the way I wanted them to react, is to be so focused on their perceived slight that I totally dismiss the people in my life who ARE great friends, compassionate, committed, generous. There's a temptation to tell this story of being this perpetually "misunderstood" and "rejected" person who is abandoned and taken for granted by the unfeeling people in my life -- which is a rewarding story because I get to be blameless and deserving -- even though it does not actually reflect the landscape of my friendships.
It can be hard to wrench myself out of this narrative (which started when I was a kid and was, I would say, legitimately a victim in certain family relationships) and redirect my focus to the wonderful people who ARE committed friends. It takes logging out of Facebook; actually thinking about the great people in my life (instead of my own needs or story, imagine that!), remembering a worry they shared with me or noticing something that's going great in their life and following up with compassionate questions or congratulations. It takes giving a great-aunt a call or going to the drugstore to buy a 'Thinking of You' card for my mom and writing her an appreciative note. Or, planning a dinner party for a small group of friends. (It also, by the way, includes second-guessing my own initial attractions to certain types of people as friends -- I'm wondering if, like me, you may be initially more attracted to stand-offish, non-demonstrative people because of your childhood experiences, even though they ultimately can't meet my relationship needs.)
Cultivating a spirit of appreciation and gratitude to the people in your life (even if it's only three people! Or hell, only one person!) is hard work! It doesn't have the voyeuristic thrill of sifting through FB statuses to piece together the story of your rejection. But that change of focus may help you as you navigate these changes in your relationships.
posted by rogerrogerwhatsyourrvectorvicto at 10:25 AM on November 17, 2014 [4 favorites]
I'm not going to paint this picture that I have no friends at all. That's not true. But the evidence is mounting that I don't have as many as I thought I did
One thing I do when I'm getting offended because XYZ person who I wanted to become friends with, or thought I was better friends with, doesn't reciprocate my efforts, or didn't respond to a request or a confidence in the way I wanted them to react, is to be so focused on their perceived slight that I totally dismiss the people in my life who ARE great friends, compassionate, committed, generous. There's a temptation to tell this story of being this perpetually "misunderstood" and "rejected" person who is abandoned and taken for granted by the unfeeling people in my life -- which is a rewarding story because I get to be blameless and deserving -- even though it does not actually reflect the landscape of my friendships.
It can be hard to wrench myself out of this narrative (which started when I was a kid and was, I would say, legitimately a victim in certain family relationships) and redirect my focus to the wonderful people who ARE committed friends. It takes logging out of Facebook; actually thinking about the great people in my life (instead of my own needs or story, imagine that!), remembering a worry they shared with me or noticing something that's going great in their life and following up with compassionate questions or congratulations. It takes giving a great-aunt a call or going to the drugstore to buy a 'Thinking of You' card for my mom and writing her an appreciative note. Or, planning a dinner party for a small group of friends. (It also, by the way, includes second-guessing my own initial attractions to certain types of people as friends -- I'm wondering if, like me, you may be initially more attracted to stand-offish, non-demonstrative people because of your childhood experiences, even though they ultimately can't meet my relationship needs.)
Cultivating a spirit of appreciation and gratitude to the people in your life (even if it's only three people! Or hell, only one person!) is hard work! It doesn't have the voyeuristic thrill of sifting through FB statuses to piece together the story of your rejection. But that change of focus may help you as you navigate these changes in your relationships.
posted by rogerrogerwhatsyourrvectorvicto at 10:25 AM on November 17, 2014 [4 favorites]
I'm going to suggest an alternative that no one has really mentioned, which is group therapy. Any kind of therapy would be good really, but group therapy might help you to define your blind spots about yourself, to see if there is something that other people can perceive about you, that you cannot perceive yourself, that is putting them off or dissuading them from maintaining ties. I'm not suggesting there is, but it's possible, and you can never have too much self-knowledge.
posted by ereshkigal45 at 3:26 PM on November 17, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by ereshkigal45 at 3:26 PM on November 17, 2014 [2 favorites]
Friends come and friends go, especially when you have a big group of friends. Not everyone has as much time or energy to invest in friendships as you do, people have problems come up that take up time, and they end up keeping up with some people more than others.
One thing that you can take with you is the skills you've learned at making friends. It takes time to learn these skills, so the time you spent making friends was not wasted. It will take some work to put those skills to work in your new city and build a social circle or three there, and it will take some time, but you can do it.
A lot of people don't have much interest in keeping up a friendship with someone who has moved away. If you want to keep up a friendship with people after you've moved it can help if there's something you come back for every year/month that those friends are involved with. If your friends were coworkers, unless you can offer them some sort of really great networking opportunity there just isn't going to be a reason to meet with you on their end. They have new coworkers and new friends who live in their city, and they want to spend time to build relationships with those people instead of visiting someone who has moved away.
Be accepting of the amount of friendship others are offering -- over time, you never know what will come of these friendships. I don't have a link for it but I recall reading that many new friends, romantic partners, and professional contacts come from "weak ties". I've found that the world can be smaller than I think, and sometimes it's been a good thing that I know someone the other person knows or even just knows of.
I've also had friends come back that I thought I'd lost. Sometimes people need time and space away from a particular place, for safety reasons or their own mental health, or people who remind them of a particular person, and we don't always get to know why this is or what has happened. But there have been quite a few friends I've never heard from again -- some of them I recall from time to time, and I'm sure there are others whose memory has faded. The trick is to keep making new friends.
posted by yohko at 10:24 PM on November 17, 2014 [2 favorites]
One thing that you can take with you is the skills you've learned at making friends. It takes time to learn these skills, so the time you spent making friends was not wasted. It will take some work to put those skills to work in your new city and build a social circle or three there, and it will take some time, but you can do it.
A lot of people don't have much interest in keeping up a friendship with someone who has moved away. If you want to keep up a friendship with people after you've moved it can help if there's something you come back for every year/month that those friends are involved with. If your friends were coworkers, unless you can offer them some sort of really great networking opportunity there just isn't going to be a reason to meet with you on their end. They have new coworkers and new friends who live in their city, and they want to spend time to build relationships with those people instead of visiting someone who has moved away.
Be accepting of the amount of friendship others are offering -- over time, you never know what will come of these friendships. I don't have a link for it but I recall reading that many new friends, romantic partners, and professional contacts come from "weak ties". I've found that the world can be smaller than I think, and sometimes it's been a good thing that I know someone the other person knows or even just knows of.
I've also had friends come back that I thought I'd lost. Sometimes people need time and space away from a particular place, for safety reasons or their own mental health, or people who remind them of a particular person, and we don't always get to know why this is or what has happened. But there have been quite a few friends I've never heard from again -- some of them I recall from time to time, and I'm sure there are others whose memory has faded. The trick is to keep making new friends.
posted by yohko at 10:24 PM on November 17, 2014 [2 favorites]
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Could you take a break from Facebook for a spell? It sounds like it is contributing a great deal to your unhappiness.
I am someone who has pretty much abandoned my friends. I've been very sad about a pet who died several months ago and just not up to answering some of the messages my friends have sent me. But it isn't like I'm a complete shut-in: if someone happens to catch me in a moment when I'm feeling less sad, I might join them for an outing, and once I'm out, I'm pretty good at feigning high spirits. If I did document these things on Facebook, it might give the impression that I'm having a ball hanging out with these people. I feel bad about not returning some of my friends' messages, but when I feel bad about things, I generally try and avoid them (not the best response, I know).
I say all of that to stress how important it is not to try and read too much into the behavior of your friends. Many people are like me: they have things going on in their lives, and these things sometimes get in the way of their friendships. This is true even when they genuinely care about their friends.
So please don't take the lack of reciprocation personally; it may well be possible that this is simply a phase in the relationship due to external forces. At the same time, friends often grow apart. While this is sad, it is also quite natural. I would encourage you to keep putting yourself out there and try and make some new friends. It is hard to make friends as we get older; please don't make it more difficult for yourself by becoming bitter for no good reason.
posted by girl flaneur at 11:34 PM on November 16, 2014 [5 favorites]