How can I get my husband to the hospital for our baby's delivery?
September 22, 2013 1:44 PM Subscribe
My husband's boss just told him that he won't be able to take time off for the delivery of our baby. What should we do?
My husband and I are expecting our first baby right around Christmas. Like pretty much Dec 25. I have a midwife lined up for delivery in a great hospital with the option of intervention via an on-call doctor if anything goes wrong. I'm hoping to deliver naturally (barring any complications), and would really like to avoid, in order of importance:
- A c-section
- Induction
- An epidural
I realize that birth my plans need to be flexible, and that I may need an epidural to manage the pain. What I really don't want is to be scheduled or hurried. In my mind, a major surgery (c-section) or being rushed along (induction) sounds really scary and unpleasant.
I'm hoping to have my husband, and possibly my mother, with me at the hospital. My mom is a three-hour plane ride away, and she's scheduled tentative days off of work and booked a flexible flight, but obviously timing is going to be tricky. She may or may not make it.
That leaves me and my husband, which I'm totally fine with. I've assumed this would be the deal.
But...
My husband works at a high-end restaurant. The chef/owner is extremely well-known and talented, but is also infamous for being difficult.
At the end of service last night, they had a shift meeting to discuss the upcoming holiday season, and the chef announced that no time off will be given from October 1 through the end of the year. After the meeting, my husband took them aside and asked about the birth of our baby. They responded that he shouldn't count on attending!!! I know this sounds ridiculous, but apparently they were super serious.
If it matters at all, this is an extremely well-staffed restaurant. In a less-than-ideal reality, multiple staff members could be absent at any given time and the service could still be do-able.
From what I understand, the restaurant will be open throughout the holidays to close on Dec. 25 for one day only.
My initial thought is to have him try to get shifts covered by co-workers, but we're talking about the days immediately surrounding Christmas. From my own experience in the service industry, these are literally the worst possible days of the year to get covered. I wouldn't be surprised if he had to pay people to take his shifts. And, of course, there's no way for us to know when the baby will actually decide to come. Any pre-planning for shift coverage could end up missing the mark date-wise and could be super expensive with the potential of being ineffective.
My husband is so angry that he wants to look for other work. I'm not a fan of this plan at all. Starting a new job will inevitably mean a hectic schedule and poor income in the last couple of months of my pregnancy, and there's no guaranteed time off in that scenario either. Not good.
I have a great job that I love, but we definitely need both of our incomes to scrape by.
Is this legal? If and when I go into labor, can his boss fire him for attempting to finish up what he's doing and leave? Or, alternatively, finish his shift and call in to work for THE BIRTH OF HIS CHILD the next day? I live in Illinois if it matters at all. He's been at the job for less than a year, so I don't think he's covered by FMLA law.
It just seems so unreasonable.
I feel like given the circumstances, I need to consider scheduling an induction. I really, really don't want to. Has anyone here had a positive experience doing so?
I also feel like even if I induce around Christmas, there's still a chance that the baby will come early and my husband won't be able to make it.
I'm really struggling with squaring my birth plans as I've imagined them with the potential of delivering alone (naturally, when the time is right) with a midwife. I suppose I could ask a lady friend to come with me to the hospital, but it just doesn't seem ideal. I want my husband!
What would you guys do?
Is there another solution I'm not considering?
Thanks all!
My husband and I are expecting our first baby right around Christmas. Like pretty much Dec 25. I have a midwife lined up for delivery in a great hospital with the option of intervention via an on-call doctor if anything goes wrong. I'm hoping to deliver naturally (barring any complications), and would really like to avoid, in order of importance:
- A c-section
- Induction
- An epidural
I realize that birth my plans need to be flexible, and that I may need an epidural to manage the pain. What I really don't want is to be scheduled or hurried. In my mind, a major surgery (c-section) or being rushed along (induction) sounds really scary and unpleasant.
I'm hoping to have my husband, and possibly my mother, with me at the hospital. My mom is a three-hour plane ride away, and she's scheduled tentative days off of work and booked a flexible flight, but obviously timing is going to be tricky. She may or may not make it.
That leaves me and my husband, which I'm totally fine with. I've assumed this would be the deal.
But...
My husband works at a high-end restaurant. The chef/owner is extremely well-known and talented, but is also infamous for being difficult.
At the end of service last night, they had a shift meeting to discuss the upcoming holiday season, and the chef announced that no time off will be given from October 1 through the end of the year. After the meeting, my husband took them aside and asked about the birth of our baby. They responded that he shouldn't count on attending!!! I know this sounds ridiculous, but apparently they were super serious.
If it matters at all, this is an extremely well-staffed restaurant. In a less-than-ideal reality, multiple staff members could be absent at any given time and the service could still be do-able.
From what I understand, the restaurant will be open throughout the holidays to close on Dec. 25 for one day only.
My initial thought is to have him try to get shifts covered by co-workers, but we're talking about the days immediately surrounding Christmas. From my own experience in the service industry, these are literally the worst possible days of the year to get covered. I wouldn't be surprised if he had to pay people to take his shifts. And, of course, there's no way for us to know when the baby will actually decide to come. Any pre-planning for shift coverage could end up missing the mark date-wise and could be super expensive with the potential of being ineffective.
My husband is so angry that he wants to look for other work. I'm not a fan of this plan at all. Starting a new job will inevitably mean a hectic schedule and poor income in the last couple of months of my pregnancy, and there's no guaranteed time off in that scenario either. Not good.
I have a great job that I love, but we definitely need both of our incomes to scrape by.
Is this legal? If and when I go into labor, can his boss fire him for attempting to finish up what he's doing and leave? Or, alternatively, finish his shift and call in to work for THE BIRTH OF HIS CHILD the next day? I live in Illinois if it matters at all. He's been at the job for less than a year, so I don't think he's covered by FMLA law.
It just seems so unreasonable.
I feel like given the circumstances, I need to consider scheduling an induction. I really, really don't want to. Has anyone here had a positive experience doing so?
I also feel like even if I induce around Christmas, there's still a chance that the baby will come early and my husband won't be able to make it.
I'm really struggling with squaring my birth plans as I've imagined them with the potential of delivering alone (naturally, when the time is right) with a midwife. I suppose I could ask a lady friend to come with me to the hospital, but it just doesn't seem ideal. I want my husband!
What would you guys do?
Is there another solution I'm not considering?
Thanks all!
Does he have any close friends at work who could do him the solid of working on Christmas Eve or whatever, on the off chance that it comes to it? Working holidays sucks, but if my BFF coworker had a situation like that, I'd cover him in a heartbeat.
It might also take a load off, just in terms of stress, to remember that this is very much an if situation. It seems to me that him getting fired for calling in sick is a bridge you want to cross when you come to it, not months in advance thus ensuring maximum drama and potentially being out of work at a sensitive time.
posted by Sara C. at 2:05 PM on September 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
It might also take a load off, just in terms of stress, to remember that this is very much an if situation. It seems to me that him getting fired for calling in sick is a bridge you want to cross when you come to it, not months in advance thus ensuring maximum drama and potentially being out of work at a sensitive time.
posted by Sara C. at 2:05 PM on September 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
God, i hate the entitled attitude of management in foodservice.
The one question i'd be asking is will he honestly be fired if he just calls in and says "hey, i'm not coming in, my wifes in the hospital *CLICK*". I wouldn't phrase it as "i can't" as an action of choice they could argue with, simply that the option isn't even on the table and i would not be.
Which is to say, i'm with treehorn+bunny on this. But i wouldn't pretend to be sick on my own part, but simply say that i just got a call and my wife is in the hospital. Don't elaborate, let them imagine something way worse than birth like a car accident that will make them feel like the level of asshole that they should if they say anything(since yes, there are people out there and somehow they're especially concentrated in retail/foodservice management who will go "oh, she's just giving birth? it's not like she's dying or anything you don't get to just take time off on a whim").
Pretty much do not give them an option to say no or argue with you, or to deny some kind of request. This is one of those "easier to ask for forgiveness than ask permission" sort of things.
Because really, what kind of ass would fire someone for rushing to see their wife in the hospital, which isn't even a lie? I would confront this thing head on in that sense.
posted by emptythought at 2:14 PM on September 22, 2013 [15 favorites]
The one question i'd be asking is will he honestly be fired if he just calls in and says "hey, i'm not coming in, my wifes in the hospital *CLICK*". I wouldn't phrase it as "i can't" as an action of choice they could argue with, simply that the option isn't even on the table and i would not be.
Which is to say, i'm with treehorn+bunny on this. But i wouldn't pretend to be sick on my own part, but simply say that i just got a call and my wife is in the hospital. Don't elaborate, let them imagine something way worse than birth like a car accident that will make them feel like the level of asshole that they should if they say anything(since yes, there are people out there and somehow they're especially concentrated in retail/foodservice management who will go "oh, she's just giving birth? it's not like she's dying or anything you don't get to just take time off on a whim").
Pretty much do not give them an option to say no or argue with you, or to deny some kind of request. This is one of those "easier to ask for forgiveness than ask permission" sort of things.
Because really, what kind of ass would fire someone for rushing to see their wife in the hospital, which isn't even a lie? I would confront this thing head on in that sense.
posted by emptythought at 2:14 PM on September 22, 2013 [15 favorites]
Yeah, no FMLA if you've been employed by that employer for less than a year.
I agree with treehorn+bunny's strategy, especially the on-call-coworker bit. Chances are pretty high there are more than a few sufficiently non-evil coworkers that this will work well.
He can generally speaking totally fire your husband for calling in sick, BTW, unless your state or city has additional protections - that's the reason for FMLA existing in the first place.
posted by SMPA at 2:16 PM on September 22, 2013
I agree with treehorn+bunny's strategy, especially the on-call-coworker bit. Chances are pretty high there are more than a few sufficiently non-evil coworkers that this will work well.
He can generally speaking totally fire your husband for calling in sick, BTW, unless your state or city has additional protections - that's the reason for FMLA existing in the first place.
posted by SMPA at 2:16 PM on September 22, 2013
Oh, and also, if he's going to quit over this, he should quit when you go into labor and he needs to go be with you, and absolutely no sooner than that. Because, well, duh.
posted by SMPA at 2:17 PM on September 22, 2013 [34 favorites]
posted by SMPA at 2:17 PM on September 22, 2013 [34 favorites]
Is his career goal food service? If so, you've got a bit more at risk.
If not, he finds another job. Plan to make the job switch about the time you plan to go into labor. He takes off some time between jobs and you induce during that window.
Your husband can quit in the middle of the holiday crush without remorse.
posted by 26.2 at 2:19 PM on September 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
If not, he finds another job. Plan to make the job switch about the time you plan to go into labor. He takes off some time between jobs and you induce during that window.
Your husband can quit in the middle of the holiday crush without remorse.
posted by 26.2 at 2:19 PM on September 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
I second hiring a doula. That way no matter what happens with your husband, you've got someone there you trust. And there are studies that show that having a doula present increases outcomes for giving birth naturally and minimizing interventions.
"Other studies have shown that having a doula as a member of the birth teamdecreases the overall cesarean rate by 50%, the length of labor by 25%,the use of oxytocin by 40% and requests for an epidural by 60%2."
posted by crunchtopmuffin at 2:25 PM on September 22, 2013 [4 favorites]
"Other studies have shown that having a doula as a member of the birth teamdecreases the overall cesarean rate by 50%, the length of labor by 25%,the use of oxytocin by 40% and requests for an epidural by 60%2."
posted by crunchtopmuffin at 2:25 PM on September 22, 2013 [4 favorites]
A friend of mine was induced for her third baby. Her first baby, all natural -- the water breaking, the labor, etc. It was a long (and for her, very difficult) birth. For her second baby, she was very worried about a repeat of the first. She had a quick and easy birth which happened before her epidural could even take effect. (Due to the first, she decided she wanted an epi right away.) For her third, she said, my life is too full and crazy, let's schedule an inducement at 39 weeks. heh. It went great for her.
I wanted a natural birth, I got a very long, natural labor followed by a c-section. Not my ideal vision but it really was also a beautiful and great birth.
All I'm saying here is try not to let the birth details freak you out too much. For your first birth, yeah, I'd be hesitant to mess with mother nature because you want it to be what it will be. So go with that gut instinct and if other things happen, then they happen. It'll all be okay.
For the second part of your question -- wow, your husband's boss is a Class-A jerk. I agree with all others that your husband should talk personally to other co-workers about the general time frame and make promises and he doesn't need to get confirmed time off from the boss. The reality of restaurants is, there's always another body. Also: hiring sucks. The boss doesn't really get much for budging because he knows your husband is like all the other restaurant workers with no loyalty. And, he really knows this because he's not garnering loyalty either. If he thinks he can snap his fingers and get a new guy in, then he's less likely to be accommodating. So, screw that guy. Your husband has to do what he has to do. I'd put away as much money as you can now. Expect that the day after your baby arrives that your husband has no job and then expect that he'll get a new one. If the boss guy turns up his nose at your husband coming back to work after a minor absence due to the birth of his child then he's an idiot and your husband is really better off elsewhere.
Best of luck to you! This sounds very stressful but do your best to just make good plans and know that in all likelihood, the universe will catch you. Reach out to all your friends and family, tell them that your husband may be out of a job right after baby arrives and you may need help. You never know how your network might make a difference.
posted by amanda at 2:25 PM on September 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
I wanted a natural birth, I got a very long, natural labor followed by a c-section. Not my ideal vision but it really was also a beautiful and great birth.
All I'm saying here is try not to let the birth details freak you out too much. For your first birth, yeah, I'd be hesitant to mess with mother nature because you want it to be what it will be. So go with that gut instinct and if other things happen, then they happen. It'll all be okay.
For the second part of your question -- wow, your husband's boss is a Class-A jerk. I agree with all others that your husband should talk personally to other co-workers about the general time frame and make promises and he doesn't need to get confirmed time off from the boss. The reality of restaurants is, there's always another body. Also: hiring sucks. The boss doesn't really get much for budging because he knows your husband is like all the other restaurant workers with no loyalty. And, he really knows this because he's not garnering loyalty either. If he thinks he can snap his fingers and get a new guy in, then he's less likely to be accommodating. So, screw that guy. Your husband has to do what he has to do. I'd put away as much money as you can now. Expect that the day after your baby arrives that your husband has no job and then expect that he'll get a new one. If the boss guy turns up his nose at your husband coming back to work after a minor absence due to the birth of his child then he's an idiot and your husband is really better off elsewhere.
Best of luck to you! This sounds very stressful but do your best to just make good plans and know that in all likelihood, the universe will catch you. Reach out to all your friends and family, tell them that your husband may be out of a job right after baby arrives and you may need help. You never know how your network might make a difference.
posted by amanda at 2:25 PM on September 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
I would call in the day you are in the hospital and say that you are in hospital and he must be with you. No elaboration. I would not bother quitting before. And I wouldn't call in to quit until after you are out of the hospital, if you need his medical benefits at all.
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 2:28 PM on September 22, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 2:28 PM on September 22, 2013 [3 favorites]
Please don't induce because of this. You really want nature to take its course.
As to the job, I agree with those who say better to ask forgiveness than permission.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 2:31 PM on September 22, 2013 [8 favorites]
As to the job, I agree with those who say better to ask forgiveness than permission.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 2:31 PM on September 22, 2013 [8 favorites]
They're bluffing. Former fine dining chef here. Just carry on and plan to call in w/ the "wife in hospital" statement whenever the time comes. This is why restaurants schedule on-call staff. Don't sweat this AT ALL.
Inducing doesn't work unless you are dialated, and it is THE MOST FUCKING PAINFUL SHIT EVER - DO NOT DO.
C-section you can avoid if you don't induce, barring additional complications.
Relax! Enjoy! Ignore this faux drama and carry on.
Your husband needs to stop talking with his coworkers and employer about his personal life, your pregnancy, etc.. Full Stop.
He's there for work only from now on. When he makes that call, or if he has to leave work early for the blessed event, all they get told is "Wife was taken to the hospital."
Any more questions from them? Answer is, "I don't know."
After your birth, all he tells them, if they ask, is that you are home and recovering, because this will be true. He does NOT mention becoming a father. Understand? Good.
Enjoy your experience! This little hiccup is a non-issue, let's just remember this is business with these folks and treat them appropriately
Good luck and congratulations!!!!
posted by jbenben at 2:31 PM on September 22, 2013 [35 favorites]
Inducing doesn't work unless you are dialated, and it is THE MOST FUCKING PAINFUL SHIT EVER - DO NOT DO.
C-section you can avoid if you don't induce, barring additional complications.
Relax! Enjoy! Ignore this faux drama and carry on.
Your husband needs to stop talking with his coworkers and employer about his personal life, your pregnancy, etc.. Full Stop.
He's there for work only from now on. When he makes that call, or if he has to leave work early for the blessed event, all they get told is "Wife was taken to the hospital."
Any more questions from them? Answer is, "I don't know."
After your birth, all he tells them, if they ask, is that you are home and recovering, because this will be true. He does NOT mention becoming a father. Understand? Good.
Enjoy your experience! This little hiccup is a non-issue, let's just remember this is business with these folks and treat them appropriately
Good luck and congratulations!!!!
posted by jbenben at 2:31 PM on September 22, 2013 [35 favorites]
Oh and first babies notoriously take a bit of time arriving. More than likely your husband will have time to complete a shift and meet you in hospital.
(And if this well known chef were to fire your husband? Please let someone know who won't mind publishing that fact on FB so we can all glare at Well Known Chef. )
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 2:36 PM on September 22, 2013 [24 favorites]
(And if this well known chef were to fire your husband? Please let someone know who won't mind publishing that fact on FB so we can all glare at Well Known Chef. )
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 2:36 PM on September 22, 2013 [24 favorites]
I've worked in many restaurants over the previous 20-odd years, and worked with more than a few difficult chefs and owners. To me, this bit is key:
At the end of service last night, they had a shift meeting to discuss the upcoming holiday season, and the chef announced that no time off will be given from October 1 through the end of the year. After the meeting, my husband took them aside and asked about the birth of our baby. They responded that he shouldn't count on attending!!! I know this sounds ridiculous, but apparently they were super serious.
If it matters at all, this is an extremely well-staffed restaurant. In a less-than-ideal reality, multiple staff members could be absent at any given time and the service could still be do-able.
My impression is that the chef anticipated that employees would be upset with this new "policy" prior to delivering it, and already had made up his mind that there would be no exceptions whatsoever—at least at the time of delivery. Alpha-type, inflexible chefs are commonplace in the industry, and like to look tough and ultimately, inflexible, especially in front of other employees. Gordon Ramsey-light.
Wait a month, month and a half, and ask again in conjunction with raising the possibilities that treehorn+bunny raised. The chef will say yes, assuming the restaurant is running fine.
posted by whyareyouatriangle at 3:18 PM on September 22, 2013 [8 favorites]
At the end of service last night, they had a shift meeting to discuss the upcoming holiday season, and the chef announced that no time off will be given from October 1 through the end of the year. After the meeting, my husband took them aside and asked about the birth of our baby. They responded that he shouldn't count on attending!!! I know this sounds ridiculous, but apparently they were super serious.
If it matters at all, this is an extremely well-staffed restaurant. In a less-than-ideal reality, multiple staff members could be absent at any given time and the service could still be do-able.
My impression is that the chef anticipated that employees would be upset with this new "policy" prior to delivering it, and already had made up his mind that there would be no exceptions whatsoever—at least at the time of delivery. Alpha-type, inflexible chefs are commonplace in the industry, and like to look tough and ultimately, inflexible, especially in front of other employees. Gordon Ramsey-light.
Wait a month, month and a half, and ask again in conjunction with raising the possibilities that treehorn+bunny raised. The chef will say yes, assuming the restaurant is running fine.
posted by whyareyouatriangle at 3:18 PM on September 22, 2013 [8 favorites]
So, with the disclaimer that I'm a doula, it could be a good solution for you to hire a doula if it's within your budget. The big extra advantage is that you have someone else's knowledge and familiarity with labour and birth available to you. You are not at risk of having too much support--it could be great for you to have both your husband and a doula there with you. (And also, that way your mom could concentrate on coming to help you out with the baby... if she has a 3-hour flight, it doesn't sound like she's going to make it for the birth.) In addition to guaranteeing that you won't be alone, a doula could help you to recognize the point when things are about to get the most intense, so you can call your husband in time to have him with you for the final stages.
Otherwise, it would probably work well if your husband can have some co-workers be his on-call backups for the two weeks around your due date. If that's not possible, the next best thing would be for him to say "I'm sick, I have to go" or "My wife is in the hospital, I have to go" and leave work. Finally, as a last resort, since your husband seems prepared to leave his job over this (I'm assuming that means he knows he'll be able to find other work), he could quit when you go into labour.
Scheduling an induction because of your husband's work schedule is something you really, really want to avoid. Unless you are overdue as well or have some other additional reason, try not to induce if it's possible. Natural contractions are not as painful as induced contractions, so induction really raises the likelihood that you'll also have an epidural, and possibly other additional, avoidable interventions as well.
posted by snorkmaiden at 3:36 PM on September 22, 2013
Otherwise, it would probably work well if your husband can have some co-workers be his on-call backups for the two weeks around your due date. If that's not possible, the next best thing would be for him to say "I'm sick, I have to go" or "My wife is in the hospital, I have to go" and leave work. Finally, as a last resort, since your husband seems prepared to leave his job over this (I'm assuming that means he knows he'll be able to find other work), he could quit when you go into labour.
Scheduling an induction because of your husband's work schedule is something you really, really want to avoid. Unless you are overdue as well or have some other additional reason, try not to induce if it's possible. Natural contractions are not as painful as induced contractions, so induction really raises the likelihood that you'll also have an epidural, and possibly other additional, avoidable interventions as well.
posted by snorkmaiden at 3:36 PM on September 22, 2013
I vote for him working up to the last minute and calling out the day you go into labor (once it is confirmed to be real labor). He should try to line up a replacement among the staff--but even if he can't, well, then that's too bad for the restaurant. He goes to the hospital for the BIRTH OF HIS CHILD.
If he gets fired, so be it. I think another restaurant would be delighted to have him (it's not like you're having babies every other month). But save every cent just in case.
If he isn't interested in working in food service in your town anymore, you could always call a local TV station. A producer would eat this story up. But I'm not sure other restaurants would rush to hire him after something that retaliatory (although you never know).
posted by elizeh at 4:07 PM on September 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
If he gets fired, so be it. I think another restaurant would be delighted to have him (it's not like you're having babies every other month). But save every cent just in case.
If he isn't interested in working in food service in your town anymore, you could always call a local TV station. A producer would eat this story up. But I'm not sure other restaurants would rush to hire him after something that retaliatory (although you never know).
posted by elizeh at 4:07 PM on September 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
FYI, we had an absolutely amazing doula in chicago for the birth of our daughter last year. Totally saved our ass when labor started moving faster than we expected. MeMail me if you want her contact info.
posted by Oktober at 4:26 PM on September 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Oktober at 4:26 PM on September 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
I know other people have already said it but I think I bears repeating:
A.) Babies do not always come on time. We knew our exact conception date (yay for Army leave time!) and our daughter was still late.
B.) A c section isn't the horrible thing the Internet led me to believe. I had two days of active natural labor with my midwife followed by a c section. It was a bit disappointing but 14 months later we have an awesome kid and I couldn't care less how she got here.
C.) Have him call in when you're admitted and not before. They sent me home because I wasn't far enough along so be advised that may happen.
D.) Enjoy that baby, congratulations!!
posted by julie_of_the_jungle at 4:51 PM on September 22, 2013 [5 favorites]
A.) Babies do not always come on time. We knew our exact conception date (yay for Army leave time!) and our daughter was still late.
B.) A c section isn't the horrible thing the Internet led me to believe. I had two days of active natural labor with my midwife followed by a c section. It was a bit disappointing but 14 months later we have an awesome kid and I couldn't care less how she got here.
C.) Have him call in when you're admitted and not before. They sent me home because I wasn't far enough along so be advised that may happen.
D.) Enjoy that baby, congratulations!!
posted by julie_of_the_jungle at 4:51 PM on September 22, 2013 [5 favorites]
Babies come when they come, late, early, on time.
Don't make medical decisions based on your husband's employers' stupid policies. He should be clear with his employer what your status is and make reasonable attempts to get shifts covered.
Just plan for him to get there when you go to the hospital, or if it's a home birth, when labor is in full swing. Your doctor or midwife can help you with that distinction. The job isn't worth missing the birth of your child.
posted by theora55 at 7:29 PM on September 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
Don't make medical decisions based on your husband's employers' stupid policies. He should be clear with his employer what your status is and make reasonable attempts to get shifts covered.
Just plan for him to get there when you go to the hospital, or if it's a home birth, when labor is in full swing. Your doctor or midwife can help you with that distinction. The job isn't worth missing the birth of your child.
posted by theora55 at 7:29 PM on September 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
It would be profoundly irresponsible and impractical to suggest you threaten his management that if he doesn't get the shift off, then when your labor pains start to come hard and fast, you will come to their busy dining room and chain yourself to a table so that you can give birth with your husband, leaving them to ask the constabulary remove the weeping, laboring lady from the premises in front of all the diners, at Christmas.
I think a doula is the real answer, if you can afford one. If you can't, I suggest that you contact the other staff, and try to arrange a hotline and volunteer roster for emergency shift coverage. This is probably a good thing to set up for everyone on the staff with kids, anyway, during the holiday season - and probably safer for the diners, too, if management is as much a bag of dicks about sick kids as they are about this little kink in service.
posted by gingerest at 8:09 PM on September 22, 2013
I think a doula is the real answer, if you can afford one. If you can't, I suggest that you contact the other staff, and try to arrange a hotline and volunteer roster for emergency shift coverage. This is probably a good thing to set up for everyone on the staff with kids, anyway, during the holiday season - and probably safer for the diners, too, if management is as much a bag of dicks about sick kids as they are about this little kink in service.
posted by gingerest at 8:09 PM on September 22, 2013
Please, for the love of god, DO NOT SCOUT OUT REPLACEMENT SHIFTS AMONGST THE STAFF!!!!!
Restaurants are gossipy hives of intrigue.
This is Dramaz - DO NOT DO IT.
Follow my previous advice on this. Really.
Nthing a Doula, just because.
Nthing that a c-section is not that bad.
BUT! Being induced means having awful effing pain because Pitocin=WorsePainEver.
I failed in my research on that point and paid the price.
I'm 100% confident on my read on the politics at the restaurant. Fear not on that score.
posted by jbenben at 8:22 PM on September 22, 2013 [4 favorites]
Restaurants are gossipy hives of intrigue.
This is Dramaz - DO NOT DO IT.
Follow my previous advice on this. Really.
Nthing a Doula, just because.
Nthing that a c-section is not that bad.
BUT! Being induced means having awful effing pain because Pitocin=WorsePainEver.
I failed in my research on that point and paid the price.
I'm 100% confident on my read on the politics at the restaurant. Fear not on that score.
posted by jbenben at 8:22 PM on September 22, 2013 [4 favorites]
Without knowing more about the employer and the various applicable laws, it's hard to answer this question, but I do think you and your husband will regret it enormously if he's not there and he should do everything possible to make sure he is there. Is it possible that his employer is the kind of bully that is best dealt with by standing up to him? For example, what would happen if your husband simply said "Look, I am not going to miss the birth of my child, and if you are not going to let me take that day off, you might as well just fire me now. it's not like I'm asking for weeks of paternity leave for Pete's sake."
posted by Dansaman at 9:48 PM on September 22, 2013
posted by Dansaman at 9:48 PM on September 22, 2013
I just want to point out that being induced - like anything - is different for everyone. If you end up needing this, it may not be as horrific as it was for others in this thread. It was not for me. But I agree that it is not the first solution to your scheduling challenges.
posted by judith at 11:14 PM on September 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by judith at 11:14 PM on September 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
Unless he can find a suitable job in the meantime, he should plan on calling in sick (using whatever the appropriate procedures are) when the blessed event occurs. If he is going to lose the job, he should make them fire him.
posted by gjc at 12:13 AM on September 23, 2013
posted by gjc at 12:13 AM on September 23, 2013
They're bluffing.
Yep!
I haven't been in your husband's exact position, but I've had (too many) food service jobs. Management always huffs and puffs about NO TIME OFF during the holidays, but then, people get time off because life happens and people are human. I worked at a place that employed a bunch of college students and the manager was so insistent that we wouldn't get time off to study for finals in December. Guess who got time off? Everyone who asked for it. The rest of the staff was happy to pick up some extra shifts, the managers ultimately didn't care that much, and no one got fired. Your husband's manager is being an inhuman idiot right now, but I doubt that he will stick to his guns and/or remember this conversation in a month and a half.
Seriously. Don't worry about this. Have him call in sick if he needs to, but I think this is an example of a restaurant manager talking a big game.
Jbenben is right: Don't talk about this too much right now (gossip is not your friend) and don't worry about it.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 12:28 AM on September 23, 2013 [1 favorite]
Yep!
I haven't been in your husband's exact position, but I've had (too many) food service jobs. Management always huffs and puffs about NO TIME OFF during the holidays, but then, people get time off because life happens and people are human. I worked at a place that employed a bunch of college students and the manager was so insistent that we wouldn't get time off to study for finals in December. Guess who got time off? Everyone who asked for it. The rest of the staff was happy to pick up some extra shifts, the managers ultimately didn't care that much, and no one got fired. Your husband's manager is being an inhuman idiot right now, but I doubt that he will stick to his guns and/or remember this conversation in a month and a half.
Seriously. Don't worry about this. Have him call in sick if he needs to, but I think this is an example of a restaurant manager talking a big game.
Jbenben is right: Don't talk about this too much right now (gossip is not your friend) and don't worry about it.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 12:28 AM on September 23, 2013 [1 favorite]
Also with jbenben on this one, on all counts.
December is a little ways away. If husband really likes this job in spite of the supreme shittiness of his employer, then make an extra-special point of knocking their socks off for the next three months. Any fine-dining proprietor knows good staff is gold. It would be perfectly insane to dismiss a known quantity because he bailed to participate in the birth of his child. He just wouldn't do it. But it would be even harder to follow through on the threat if it was one of his best guys.
posted by AnOrigamiLife at 2:42 AM on September 23, 2013 [2 favorites]
December is a little ways away. If husband really likes this job in spite of the supreme shittiness of his employer, then make an extra-special point of knocking their socks off for the next three months. Any fine-dining proprietor knows good staff is gold. It would be perfectly insane to dismiss a known quantity because he bailed to participate in the birth of his child. He just wouldn't do it. But it would be even harder to follow through on the threat if it was one of his best guys.
posted by AnOrigamiLife at 2:42 AM on September 23, 2013 [2 favorites]
First, your husband cannot miss the birth of your child. This will haunt him for the rest of his life if he missed this for any job (astronauts and active-combat soldiers might get the only exemptions on this one, and even they need to think hard about their schedules!). He will resent it. You will resent it. It will affect you both in ways you won't see for years to come.
Second, in the short run, I like a lot of advice given here. Your husband can spend the next two months making himself really valued at work so that the chef would be stupid to fire him for missing a few days....especially if your husband has some backups set up for his missed days. People are suggesting a doula and that is a good idea even if your husband is there. But....he needs a food-doula to take his shifts!
Third, no matter how things go, your husband needs to make sure he is looking for his next career move so that he can get out of this madhouse where he works. A boss that is ordering someone to miss the birth of their child should have bad things permanently happen to their bladder control (no intended offense meant to the bladder-control challenged).
posted by BearClaw6 at 7:48 AM on September 23, 2013 [2 favorites]
Second, in the short run, I like a lot of advice given here. Your husband can spend the next two months making himself really valued at work so that the chef would be stupid to fire him for missing a few days....especially if your husband has some backups set up for his missed days. People are suggesting a doula and that is a good idea even if your husband is there. But....he needs a food-doula to take his shifts!
Third, no matter how things go, your husband needs to make sure he is looking for his next career move so that he can get out of this madhouse where he works. A boss that is ordering someone to miss the birth of their child should have bad things permanently happen to their bladder control (no intended offense meant to the bladder-control challenged).
posted by BearClaw6 at 7:48 AM on September 23, 2013 [2 favorites]
I think your husband would regret enormously missing the birth of his child just to work a restaurant shift.
At the same time, assuming he is an at-will employee, the restaurant can indeed fire him for any or no reason at all.
I would take the advice of being a stellar employee for the next few months so that the restaurant would be hard pressed to want to fire him over missing a shift or two to be there for the birth.
Also, as a counterpoint to jbenben's induction/pitocin experience - I was induced with pitocin and experienced no pain whatsoever as a result of that. The pain began hours later when the contractions started and then abruptly ended when the baby was out. Contractions are painful whether you are induced or not. I personally know several women who have been induced and never heard any of them mention it being painful. Everyone is different in that respect. But, yeah, don't induce just because of your husband's ridiculous employer.
posted by ZabeLeeZoo at 9:07 AM on September 23, 2013 [1 favorite]
At the same time, assuming he is an at-will employee, the restaurant can indeed fire him for any or no reason at all.
I would take the advice of being a stellar employee for the next few months so that the restaurant would be hard pressed to want to fire him over missing a shift or two to be there for the birth.
Also, as a counterpoint to jbenben's induction/pitocin experience - I was induced with pitocin and experienced no pain whatsoever as a result of that. The pain began hours later when the contractions started and then abruptly ended when the baby was out. Contractions are painful whether you are induced or not. I personally know several women who have been induced and never heard any of them mention it being painful. Everyone is different in that respect. But, yeah, don't induce just because of your husband's ridiculous employer.
posted by ZabeLeeZoo at 9:07 AM on September 23, 2013 [1 favorite]
I delivered my son when the staff at the ABC facility was delayed. My wife crowned, I pushed the call-button, but as it turned out, three or four of our doctor's patients had showed up that night, and all of them were delivering at the same time. By the time the nurse walked into our room, I had caught my son, wrapped him in a warm blanket, and laid him on my wife's belly.
I cannot emphasize more strongly that this was the best thing that I've ever done in my entire life. Being present at his birth was something beyond amazing. Even now, 30 years later, it makes the hair stand up on my arms to think about it.
So, anyhow, yeah. Have Hubby do what it takes. I like the idea of honesty: My wife is in the hospital, see ya later.
Your baby will not need anyone's permission to arrive. Your husband needs only your consent to be there to greet his child.
posted by mule98J at 10:27 AM on September 23, 2013 [5 favorites]
I cannot emphasize more strongly that this was the best thing that I've ever done in my entire life. Being present at his birth was something beyond amazing. Even now, 30 years later, it makes the hair stand up on my arms to think about it.
So, anyhow, yeah. Have Hubby do what it takes. I like the idea of honesty: My wife is in the hospital, see ya later.
Your baby will not need anyone's permission to arrive. Your husband needs only your consent to be there to greet his child.
posted by mule98J at 10:27 AM on September 23, 2013 [5 favorites]
Just to reign in a bit on the scariness of inducing. While I agree that induction is probably not the best case scenario for what you described, I just want to say:
Pain is different for everyone. Because one person tells you that being induced is the worst thing ever, doesn't mean it's that terrible. I was induced, and 60 (not that painful, really) hours later, I had a c-section. Was it my birth plan? No. Was it what happened? Yes. And it was not the most horrible thing ever, pain or otherwise.
It sounds like you are doing a great job of realizing that a plan is just a plan and things don't always go to plan, and I think that's great. I just don't want you getting in your head that something that may happen (you never know! it's not in the plan, but you never know!) is so terrible. Take things as they come.
I agree that having him leave/call in when the big day (or days!) comes is a good idea. I'm sorry that his work people have put added stress on you.
posted by freezer cake at 11:54 AM on September 23, 2013
Pain is different for everyone. Because one person tells you that being induced is the worst thing ever, doesn't mean it's that terrible. I was induced, and 60 (not that painful, really) hours later, I had a c-section. Was it my birth plan? No. Was it what happened? Yes. And it was not the most horrible thing ever, pain or otherwise.
It sounds like you are doing a great job of realizing that a plan is just a plan and things don't always go to plan, and I think that's great. I just don't want you getting in your head that something that may happen (you never know! it's not in the plan, but you never know!) is so terrible. Take things as they come.
I agree that having him leave/call in when the big day (or days!) comes is a good idea. I'm sorry that his work people have put added stress on you.
posted by freezer cake at 11:54 AM on September 23, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
I would suggest the following:
1. Your husband finds co-workers willing to be "on backup call" to cover him. He plans to work all his shifts, but if the labor thing starts happening, he could call in the backup person with the promise that he will owe them for double at some time in the future. Keeping in mind that false labor can be a huge issue for some people and that he should wait to activate the backup call until you are confirmed to be in active labor.
2. Hire a doula. That way no matter what happens with your husband, you know someone experienced and someone you trust will be there with you. It's worth it. It was worth it for me, and my husband was there with her.
If the backup call thing would not work, I would just have him say nothing more about the situation at work from now until then, but he gets a call when you're in active labor, says he is sick and can't work anymore, and leaves. It sounds like this would not be screwing his co-workers, and getting sick is a thing that happens to people and I certainly hope he wouldn't be fired for it. Any restaurant that would tell a sick staff person to keep working is a restaurant that no one should be eating at.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 1:53 PM on September 22, 2013 [21 favorites]