Should this just be a nice memory?
September 8, 2013 7:41 PM Subscribe
A few weeks ago, my friend and I confessed our mutual feelings. Then we went our separate ways, and there were loose ends. How can I be clear about my intentions? Should I be?
About a month ago, my friend, whom I've known for almost a decade, was in town for a few days. Over the course of his days in town we confessed our mutual feelings for each other and had a wonderful time together, wandering around holding hands, making out, and generally just making each other feel awesome. This was on the brink of his leaving to travel extensively for several months, and my moving to a different country (though still within driving distance). There were promises to visit each other, to keep in touch with each other while he was away, etc. I'm not sure I was clear, however, that I wanted to try dating my friend. And I'm not sure the idea is feasible.
Obviously, there are huge obstacles here. We've lived on opposite sides of the continent for the past several years, though he's not entirely settled there and will likely eventually move. He travels a lot. Though, on the one hand, he says he's looking for a relationship and will likely need to find someone from outside where he lives, on the other hand he seems to want a partner who's so independent that he can leave them for long stretches of time. And, though he said he would, he has not been in touch yet besides shooting me a quick reply to a "how are you doing?" email. This in spite of posting short travel updates online.
I love my friend. I'd still love him if he didn't want a relationship with me. But, if he did, I'd be willing to make the effort to make things work -- travel to see him, try to see how things go. Should I say anything? How can I phrase this without seeming clingy? We grew up together and I don't want to ruin our friendship. And I'm not sure email is the best medium for conveying my thoughts, but won't see him in person any time in the near future.
My gut tells me that if he were interested in something long-term with me he'd be in contact. But I also wonder whether he thought I felt this was a one-off thing.
About a month ago, my friend, whom I've known for almost a decade, was in town for a few days. Over the course of his days in town we confessed our mutual feelings for each other and had a wonderful time together, wandering around holding hands, making out, and generally just making each other feel awesome. This was on the brink of his leaving to travel extensively for several months, and my moving to a different country (though still within driving distance). There were promises to visit each other, to keep in touch with each other while he was away, etc. I'm not sure I was clear, however, that I wanted to try dating my friend. And I'm not sure the idea is feasible.
Obviously, there are huge obstacles here. We've lived on opposite sides of the continent for the past several years, though he's not entirely settled there and will likely eventually move. He travels a lot. Though, on the one hand, he says he's looking for a relationship and will likely need to find someone from outside where he lives, on the other hand he seems to want a partner who's so independent that he can leave them for long stretches of time. And, though he said he would, he has not been in touch yet besides shooting me a quick reply to a "how are you doing?" email. This in spite of posting short travel updates online.
I love my friend. I'd still love him if he didn't want a relationship with me. But, if he did, I'd be willing to make the effort to make things work -- travel to see him, try to see how things go. Should I say anything? How can I phrase this without seeming clingy? We grew up together and I don't want to ruin our friendship. And I'm not sure email is the best medium for conveying my thoughts, but won't see him in person any time in the near future.
My gut tells me that if he were interested in something long-term with me he'd be in contact. But I also wonder whether he thought I felt this was a one-off thing.
Don't waste any more time thinking about this. Call him or email him and say, "Hey, I've given this a lot of thought, and I want to date you. Would you be open to that?"
Wishing you both lots of happiness. It sounds like he'll say yes.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 7:54 PM on September 8, 2013 [6 favorites]
Wishing you both lots of happiness. It sounds like he'll say yes.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 7:54 PM on September 8, 2013 [6 favorites]
My gut tells me that if he were interested in something long-term with me he'd be in contact. But I also wonder whether he thought I felt this was a one-off thing.
What if your friend is sitting back home thinking exactly this?
One of you has to say something. You can only make one person say something, and that's you.
posted by rtha at 7:58 PM on September 8, 2013 [5 favorites]
What if your friend is sitting back home thinking exactly this?
One of you has to say something. You can only make one person say something, and that's you.
posted by rtha at 7:58 PM on September 8, 2013 [5 favorites]
I don't know if laying it all on the table via email is the best approach. I might focus on keeping in touch for now, and seeing when you can plan your next visit. If he's not capable of keeping that up, he's probably not ready for a relationship, either.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:05 PM on September 8, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:05 PM on September 8, 2013 [2 favorites]
How bad would you feel if you said nothing and nothing happened?
Ask him to date you. The worst that can happen is what's happening right now already.
posted by xingcat at 8:05 PM on September 8, 2013 [2 favorites]
Ask him to date you. The worst that can happen is what's happening right now already.
posted by xingcat at 8:05 PM on September 8, 2013 [2 favorites]
your second to last paragraph, to me, is just about the perfect thing to say to him, with of course, appropriate edits to address him. "I love you. I'll still love you if you don't want a relationship with me. But if you do, I'd be willing to make the effort to make things work -- travel to see each other, try to see how things go." Just tell him that you're putting it out there, so he knows without any question how you feel, and then it's up to him. If he responds in kind, yay! Love! If he doesn't, well, you're still good friends and that's not just a consolation prize.
posted by lemniskate at 8:20 PM on September 8, 2013 [9 favorites]
posted by lemniskate at 8:20 PM on September 8, 2013 [9 favorites]
Yup, I was reading your next to last paragraph and thinking, "this, tell him this". How could you get more honest and open and just non-game-playing? You're clear that the friendship will be there either way. Makes it very easy for him to say either yes or no and the only thing lost is the uncertainty, whereas the payoff is potentially great. (I am hoping he will say yes and then your next AskMe will be about sappy songs to put on a mix CD for him or something. Because I have lots of recommendations for that.)
posted by Athanassiel at 8:52 PM on September 8, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Athanassiel at 8:52 PM on September 8, 2013 [1 favorite]
I love my friend. I'd still love him if he didn't want a relationship with me. But, if he did, I'd be willing to make the effort to make things work -- travel to see him, try to see how things go.
Don't get all bent out of shape about making it work, that's the clingy part. Just ask.
"John, I think you're great. I just wanted to ask if you're available for a relationship, that's how much fun I had. Do you think something like that could even work. We go way back, you know I wouldn't ever want to ask anything of you that would ruin our friendship."
Email's a great medium. You get a chance to think before you type, he gets a chance to think before he responds. Some people travel and can handle long-distance relationships, other can't. It's not personal, it's just an attitude. You don't want to be stuck in a LDR with somebody who isn't sure they want to be in it.
I can relate a lot to not wanting to screw up a friendship. I'm in a similar position with a friend I haven't seen in 20 years; we recently reconnected, we're both single and live in the same city. We have chemistry. I can't tell if we're having dinner or are on a date. We haven't made out.
Just take it one day at a time. It's an incredibly brave thing telling someone you like them. Baby steps. Set aside what you think you know, ask the question and listen to the feedback. You guys made out. You're friends. You're totally entitled to ask. Stop it with the psychic travel posts reading, and enjoy this experience, even if it's fleeting. Enjoy the hell out of it.
posted by phaedon at 9:34 PM on September 8, 2013
Don't get all bent out of shape about making it work, that's the clingy part. Just ask.
"John, I think you're great. I just wanted to ask if you're available for a relationship, that's how much fun I had. Do you think something like that could even work. We go way back, you know I wouldn't ever want to ask anything of you that would ruin our friendship."
Email's a great medium. You get a chance to think before you type, he gets a chance to think before he responds. Some people travel and can handle long-distance relationships, other can't. It's not personal, it's just an attitude. You don't want to be stuck in a LDR with somebody who isn't sure they want to be in it.
I can relate a lot to not wanting to screw up a friendship. I'm in a similar position with a friend I haven't seen in 20 years; we recently reconnected, we're both single and live in the same city. We have chemistry. I can't tell if we're having dinner or are on a date. We haven't made out.
Just take it one day at a time. It's an incredibly brave thing telling someone you like them. Baby steps. Set aside what you think you know, ask the question and listen to the feedback. You guys made out. You're friends. You're totally entitled to ask. Stop it with the psychic travel posts reading, and enjoy this experience, even if it's fleeting. Enjoy the hell out of it.
posted by phaedon at 9:34 PM on September 8, 2013
I don't think it's clingy to say you thought the time you shared together was special and you want to try to make a relationship work if he'd be interested and willing. I think you can tell him what you've told us -- what you're feeling -- and then the proverbial ball is in his court. If he isn't interested, you won't see each other and can move on anyway. If he is, then you can see where it goes. But if you don't say anything, it may just loom. Maybe what you have could end up being a long story, one where it takes a long time to end up together and maybe fate will make it happen. But I wouldn't let it pass me by and linger as some unclear unspoken possibly for years. I'd at least want to know how he felt about what happened.
Honestly, I wouldn't over-think it. I'd just say what you feel.
posted by AppleTurnover at 9:49 PM on September 8, 2013 [1 favorite]
Honestly, I wouldn't over-think it. I'd just say what you feel.
posted by AppleTurnover at 9:49 PM on September 8, 2013 [1 favorite]
He's traveling right now and you're moving. I think you should focus on your move and getting settled, and see how you feel when both of your respective dust settles. If you still want a relationship with this guy then, then say so.
posted by headnsouth at 10:39 PM on September 8, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by headnsouth at 10:39 PM on September 8, 2013 [3 favorites]
We grew up together and I don't want to ruin our friendship.
I was waiting for something like this line because asking someone about dating more seriously is comparatively very easy, and I think this is what you're actually asking about.
You have to take the risk that things will get weird or change if he says no. I think the odds are low but you have to be willing to accept the risk. And go for it, it's worth it.
posted by MillMan at 11:00 PM on September 8, 2013
I was waiting for something like this line because asking someone about dating more seriously is comparatively very easy, and I think this is what you're actually asking about.
You have to take the risk that things will get weird or change if he says no. I think the odds are low but you have to be willing to accept the risk. And go for it, it's worth it.
posted by MillMan at 11:00 PM on September 8, 2013
Listen to your gut. If he wants to be in a relationship with you, he'll make it happen.
posted by lotusmish at 1:27 PM on September 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by lotusmish at 1:27 PM on September 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
I've been in a roughly similar situation. Things were wonderful for a while and then blew up due to neither of us being clear about our feelings - which were complex, as the situation was complex - and what we wanted. Things are now bad between us, perhaps permanently.
Ask him. Be clear. Don't make assumptions - the risks are too high, the possible benefits too fantastic. Just ask him.
posted by AthenaPolias at 8:09 AM on September 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
Ask him. Be clear. Don't make assumptions - the risks are too high, the possible benefits too fantastic. Just ask him.
posted by AthenaPolias at 8:09 AM on September 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
I wouldn't read overmuch into the travelling updates; it can be easier or harder to connect with people back home when you're travelling, logistically, mentally.
posted by smoke at 7:45 PM on September 8, 2013