"So, about that thing I did..."
August 29, 2013 6:48 AM Subscribe
A person from my Past has friended me on fb out of the blue. I haven't seen him in around 15 years. We didn't part on good terms and I've had a lot of regret and shame over the years. He sent me some general messages. Now, should I apologise for the past or leave it alone? Many details below.
In my early 20s I went through a bit of a rough time where I was quite self-destructive and didn't make the best choices especially in terms of alcohol. There was a guy in my extended social circle and we liked each other, and had a really special night together before he went travelling for a year. At that point he was only the second guy I'd slept with (which he knew) as I'd just come out of a long relationship with my first boyfriend.
While he was away we emailed a couple of times, but we weren't an item or anything. Then he cut his trip short after about 6 months and came home, which was generally believed by our friends to be because he was missing me. In the meantime, long story short, and assisted by a lot of alcohol, I'd had sexual encounters with basically all the guys in our circle. It was partly free love (in my head, anyway), partly a need for affection/attention and partly stupidity. It also pre-dated the concept of FWB, at least where I'm from, so it wasn't exactly condoned by people I knew.
After he came back we hooked up a couple of times. We never went on an actual date, but I knew he liked me a lot. I had a feeling he wanted the relationship to develop. I though he was very cute and sweet, but my feelings about him were more ambivalent. Then there was a New Years party and I was drunk and I was sitting with him and I looked around the room and realised "I've been with every guy here". Except I said it out loud. To him. (I'm so mortified even writing that.) And it didn't occur to me that it might bother him. Until he didn't contact me again and I later found out why through a mutual friend. I was really upset that I had hurt and humiliated him, and I was also really embarrassed that all our mutual friends knew why. Around that time his dad was diagnosed with an aggressive terminal illness. I wrote him a letter apologising for my behaviour, and telling him I'd support him if I could but before I posted it his father died. I didn't want to bother him when he had bigger things on his mind so there was no further contact. Not long after he moved away.
I had heard about him over the years through friends, and often thought about contacting him, or wondered what I'd say if I bumped into him when he was visiting home, but it never happened. Then at the weekend I got a friend request from him. I accepted and then wondered whether to message him or not, but he sent me a message first. It was quite enthusiastic "Hey! How the devil are you? It's been a long time" so I replied back and forth a couple of times, just about his family and my sister's (who he knew much better than me) etc and then it stopped when we'd finished exchanging pleasantries. The tone was very upbeat and friendly - he joked about losing his hair and said I hadn't aged a day - and I can't tell you how much of a weight its lifted from me that the ice has been broken. Any time I've thought over the years about how he must have felt when he heard me say that, I have just cringed with shame. There was an innocence about him and I felt like I was some tramp who had stomped all over his heart and/or ego. There is a part of me that really, really wants to apologise, and to explain I was having a hard time and I didn't mean to hurt him. I'm worried that as he has opened the door to communication, he might even be expecting me to bring it up. I'm afraid that now he's thinking - ok, I said hello, now where the hell is my apology?
As a disclaimer, I have a therapist (as my relationships with men have always been problematic, and continue to be so) so this isn't about that, or alcohol (I rarely drink now). I just want to know should I contact him to say sorry, or let sleeping dogs lie?
In my early 20s I went through a bit of a rough time where I was quite self-destructive and didn't make the best choices especially in terms of alcohol. There was a guy in my extended social circle and we liked each other, and had a really special night together before he went travelling for a year. At that point he was only the second guy I'd slept with (which he knew) as I'd just come out of a long relationship with my first boyfriend.
While he was away we emailed a couple of times, but we weren't an item or anything. Then he cut his trip short after about 6 months and came home, which was generally believed by our friends to be because he was missing me. In the meantime, long story short, and assisted by a lot of alcohol, I'd had sexual encounters with basically all the guys in our circle. It was partly free love (in my head, anyway), partly a need for affection/attention and partly stupidity. It also pre-dated the concept of FWB, at least where I'm from, so it wasn't exactly condoned by people I knew.
After he came back we hooked up a couple of times. We never went on an actual date, but I knew he liked me a lot. I had a feeling he wanted the relationship to develop. I though he was very cute and sweet, but my feelings about him were more ambivalent. Then there was a New Years party and I was drunk and I was sitting with him and I looked around the room and realised "I've been with every guy here". Except I said it out loud. To him. (I'm so mortified even writing that.) And it didn't occur to me that it might bother him. Until he didn't contact me again and I later found out why through a mutual friend. I was really upset that I had hurt and humiliated him, and I was also really embarrassed that all our mutual friends knew why. Around that time his dad was diagnosed with an aggressive terminal illness. I wrote him a letter apologising for my behaviour, and telling him I'd support him if I could but before I posted it his father died. I didn't want to bother him when he had bigger things on his mind so there was no further contact. Not long after he moved away.
I had heard about him over the years through friends, and often thought about contacting him, or wondered what I'd say if I bumped into him when he was visiting home, but it never happened. Then at the weekend I got a friend request from him. I accepted and then wondered whether to message him or not, but he sent me a message first. It was quite enthusiastic "Hey! How the devil are you? It's been a long time" so I replied back and forth a couple of times, just about his family and my sister's (who he knew much better than me) etc and then it stopped when we'd finished exchanging pleasantries. The tone was very upbeat and friendly - he joked about losing his hair and said I hadn't aged a day - and I can't tell you how much of a weight its lifted from me that the ice has been broken. Any time I've thought over the years about how he must have felt when he heard me say that, I have just cringed with shame. There was an innocence about him and I felt like I was some tramp who had stomped all over his heart and/or ego. There is a part of me that really, really wants to apologise, and to explain I was having a hard time and I didn't mean to hurt him. I'm worried that as he has opened the door to communication, he might even be expecting me to bring it up. I'm afraid that now he's thinking - ok, I said hello, now where the hell is my apology?
As a disclaimer, I have a therapist (as my relationships with men have always been problematic, and continue to be so) so this isn't about that, or alcohol (I rarely drink now). I just want to know should I contact him to say sorry, or let sleeping dogs lie?
You have nothing to apologize for, as you have done nothing to him, you weren't even in a relationship. I don't know how he feels, but your intense urge to apologize to him has nothing to do with him, and everything to do with your own issues with shame and your past actions.
posted by Think_Long at 6:54 AM on August 29, 2013 [58 favorites]
posted by Think_Long at 6:54 AM on August 29, 2013 [58 favorites]
In my understanding, this stuff lies solidly in the past and should stay there.
posted by Namlit at 6:56 AM on August 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Namlit at 6:56 AM on August 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
To answer your first question, accept his friend on FB and move forward.
As for your explanation, you're allowed to sleep with anyone you want to. You can even talk about it with people you're currently sleeping with. How does what YOU do with your body, hurt and humiliate HIM?
So keep going to therapy and quash that urge to apologize, it's nonsensical.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:09 AM on August 29, 2013 [14 favorites]
As for your explanation, you're allowed to sleep with anyone you want to. You can even talk about it with people you're currently sleeping with. How does what YOU do with your body, hurt and humiliate HIM?
So keep going to therapy and quash that urge to apologize, it's nonsensical.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:09 AM on August 29, 2013 [14 favorites]
I don't think adding someone on Facebook amounts to anything more than being curious what they are up to. It's not a gesture that signifies you need to reconnect or rehash what went wrong in the past. It's more of a passing "hello" more than anything. I'd really let it go.
Beside, if you've changed and you're not the same person who sleeps around with every guy in the room, then you won't feel the need to get defensive about behavior from 15 years ago. We've all done stupid shit in our 20s. Best to not let it define us.
posted by AppleTurnover at 7:10 AM on August 29, 2013 [4 favorites]
Beside, if you've changed and you're not the same person who sleeps around with every guy in the room, then you won't feel the need to get defensive about behavior from 15 years ago. We've all done stupid shit in our 20s. Best to not let it define us.
posted by AppleTurnover at 7:10 AM on August 29, 2013 [4 favorites]
You guys weren't in a relationship and you didn't owe him your sexuality. What you said was maybe a little uncouth - maybe - but certainly not the type of thing anyone should be dwelling on for 15 weeks, let alone 15 years.
As Think_Long suggests, it sounds like this has more to do with you - to me it sounds like you're using this as an excuse to beat yourself up over your past actions, and that's certainly something worth raising with your therapist. In the meantime, the message you received sounds positive and friendly; I'd take it at face value (and in fact, would consider it a bad sign if he DID ever try to guilt you about your past).
No apology is called for here.
posted by DingoMutt at 7:10 AM on August 29, 2013 [4 favorites]
As Think_Long suggests, it sounds like this has more to do with you - to me it sounds like you're using this as an excuse to beat yourself up over your past actions, and that's certainly something worth raising with your therapist. In the meantime, the message you received sounds positive and friendly; I'd take it at face value (and in fact, would consider it a bad sign if he DID ever try to guilt you about your past).
No apology is called for here.
posted by DingoMutt at 7:10 AM on August 29, 2013 [4 favorites]
However hurt he was back then, nothing like time to heal all wounds. This is more about you than him, this desire to hold onto guilt from long ago. No doubt you've both gone through many relationships since then, been hurt by other people, grown up and matured and learned and acquired perspective. There's a tiny blossom of narcissism in there too: I broke his heart, he must have really loved me..
His overture sounds enthusiastic and is all about reopening an old connection. Let it happen. If he wants to bring it up, provide a brief explanation but no more.
posted by enlivener at 7:11 AM on August 29, 2013
His overture sounds enthusiastic and is all about reopening an old connection. Let it happen. If he wants to bring it up, provide a brief explanation but no more.
posted by enlivener at 7:11 AM on August 29, 2013
What did you do wrong? Nothing.
Someone liked you. You were ambivalent. You were in a period of sleeping around, which you seem to regret, but there's no need for that, unless you like beating yourself up.
He was chasing someone unavailable. You weren't chasing anything. He never spoke up, and you had no obligation to be a mind-reader or his emotional caretaker.
Good news! Everyone turned out okay and is friendly and funny. Case solved.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 7:13 AM on August 29, 2013 [7 favorites]
Someone liked you. You were ambivalent. You were in a period of sleeping around, which you seem to regret, but there's no need for that, unless you like beating yourself up.
He was chasing someone unavailable. You weren't chasing anything. He never spoke up, and you had no obligation to be a mind-reader or his emotional caretaker.
Good news! Everyone turned out okay and is friendly and funny. Case solved.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 7:13 AM on August 29, 2013 [7 favorites]
It sounds like he's already forgiven you! You need to forgive yourself, babydoll.
posted by Juliet Banana at 7:14 AM on August 29, 2013 [15 favorites]
posted by Juliet Banana at 7:14 AM on August 29, 2013 [15 favorites]
My views on this subject are complex. As a general matter, I think people who act badly towards others should apologize with specificity, even to the point of allocution. That is, if it was wicked of me to eat the cheese that you owned (to use a silly example), I think you're entitled to hear me say "I wish I hadn't eaten your cheese. and I'm sorry I did it. Please accept my apology."
But it looks to me like (a) you've already apologized by mail and (b) there's some lack of clarity about the nature or existence of your bad acts. I think in this circumstance, you could get by with a very general statement just by saying: "Occasionally I think about the choices I made in my 20s, and I realize now that I could have handled things much better, and I hope you will forgive me."
But it's important to realize that it sounds like he's moved on, or at least he wants it to sound like he's moved on. You should move on too.
posted by Mr. Justice at 7:18 AM on August 29, 2013 [4 favorites]
But it looks to me like (a) you've already apologized by mail and (b) there's some lack of clarity about the nature or existence of your bad acts. I think in this circumstance, you could get by with a very general statement just by saying: "Occasionally I think about the choices I made in my 20s, and I realize now that I could have handled things much better, and I hope you will forgive me."
But it's important to realize that it sounds like he's moved on, or at least he wants it to sound like he's moved on. You should move on too.
posted by Mr. Justice at 7:18 AM on August 29, 2013 [4 favorites]
15 years is outside the statute of limitations. Just be friendly if you want. If some day it comes up naturally (because he brings it up) you can talk about it, but nobody really wants to rehash 15 years ago. Everyone's moved on, you too. It's nice if you can be friends with him. Sounds like you liked him and valued his friendship and I think that's the only thing that's still relevant.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 7:20 AM on August 29, 2013
posted by A Terrible Llama at 7:20 AM on August 29, 2013
You really didn't do anything wrong then. You unintentionally made a statement that was hurtful to him, and felt awful about it, but didn't contact him to apologize because you didn't want to burden him during such a difficult time.
His memories from that time are probably mostly about his father's death and illness. And, who knows, he might even feel a little regret or guilt that he overreacted to that incident and cut you off instead of talking to you about it. In any case, right now it seems like he still thinks well of you and just wants to be friends, even if only on a casual facebook level. If later on you guys get to be close friends again, the past probably will come up and if you still feel like you have something you want to get off your chest you can bring it up then. But you really don't need to (shouldn't) now.
posted by treese at 7:21 AM on August 29, 2013 [3 favorites]
His memories from that time are probably mostly about his father's death and illness. And, who knows, he might even feel a little regret or guilt that he overreacted to that incident and cut you off instead of talking to you about it. In any case, right now it seems like he still thinks well of you and just wants to be friends, even if only on a casual facebook level. If later on you guys get to be close friends again, the past probably will come up and if you still feel like you have something you want to get off your chest you can bring it up then. But you really don't need to (shouldn't) now.
posted by treese at 7:21 AM on August 29, 2013 [3 favorites]
If it's continuing to actually haunt you, and not just something that pops into your head whenever you see something from his news feed or other tangible, specific reminder of him, then you may owe it to the both of you to set the past right.
Of utmost importance is that this situation only be approached if you have no other ulterior motive, such as to simply prove to him that you're a different (and better) person now, and/or to reignite a flame.
If approached clearly and concisely as a demonstration of a request for forgiveness ( A remorseful mumbling that "I'm sorry" won't cut it), and a heartfelt desire to see what it is you can do to obtain that forgiveness, as long as it's actually beneficial to him, then it can't go wrong.
Keep in mind that you're just as likely to get a "Thank God you finally recognized this old hurt!" as you are a "Ummm... that's been like 15 years... I was over that well over a decade ago!"
As mentioned upthread, my own ego is partly what keeps these hurts alive. I am obviously so important to this poor, wretched individual that he/she cannot simply go on without my divine presence and/or rejection of their romantic interest. It's really laughable when you think about it, yet something I still encounter in my own thinking from time to time.
Personal Anecdota:
When I was in my late teens, I briefly dated a girl who was "so out of my league" that I was obsessed with.
Well, I thought it was love at the time, but considering I once walked into a bar at 10PM to pick her up (I was supposed to get her at 11PM), and witnessed her making out with a guy on the bar stool next to her, and only got mad at myself for showing up early and having to witness that, I'd say obsession and a side of a mental disorder was the dish of the day.
This similar situation occurred on several more occasions, and each time my heart was broken. I remember when it was finally over (she ended it), falling to my knees in my parent's house in the kitchen, and sobbing uncontrollably, swearing that NO ONE would ever hurt me that deep, ever. again. Losing an obsession is a really hard thing to take.
Fast forward 13 years, (and I am not making this up) I friended her on facebook, along with some other ex girlfriends. The hurt was so long gone, and it was never discussed. We chatted back and forth for about a week after first contact, and I haven't spoken to or thought about her since until now.
So, you can really take the tack laid out at the top, or realize your ego may be a little out of touch with reality, and that if he is still broken up about this after 15 years, he's just as much the one with the issue as you are still feeling bad about it.
posted by Debaser626 at 7:22 AM on August 29, 2013
Of utmost importance is that this situation only be approached if you have no other ulterior motive, such as to simply prove to him that you're a different (and better) person now, and/or to reignite a flame.
If approached clearly and concisely as a demonstration of a request for forgiveness ( A remorseful mumbling that "I'm sorry" won't cut it), and a heartfelt desire to see what it is you can do to obtain that forgiveness, as long as it's actually beneficial to him, then it can't go wrong.
Keep in mind that you're just as likely to get a "Thank God you finally recognized this old hurt!" as you are a "Ummm... that's been like 15 years... I was over that well over a decade ago!"
As mentioned upthread, my own ego is partly what keeps these hurts alive. I am obviously so important to this poor, wretched individual that he/she cannot simply go on without my divine presence and/or rejection of their romantic interest. It's really laughable when you think about it, yet something I still encounter in my own thinking from time to time.
Personal Anecdota:
When I was in my late teens, I briefly dated a girl who was "so out of my league" that I was obsessed with.
Well, I thought it was love at the time, but considering I once walked into a bar at 10PM to pick her up (I was supposed to get her at 11PM), and witnessed her making out with a guy on the bar stool next to her, and only got mad at myself for showing up early and having to witness that, I'd say obsession and a side of a mental disorder was the dish of the day.
This similar situation occurred on several more occasions, and each time my heart was broken. I remember when it was finally over (she ended it), falling to my knees in my parent's house in the kitchen, and sobbing uncontrollably, swearing that NO ONE would ever hurt me that deep, ever. again. Losing an obsession is a really hard thing to take.
Fast forward 13 years, (and I am not making this up) I friended her on facebook, along with some other ex girlfriends. The hurt was so long gone, and it was never discussed. We chatted back and forth for about a week after first contact, and I haven't spoken to or thought about her since until now.
So, you can really take the tack laid out at the top, or realize your ego may be a little out of touch with reality, and that if he is still broken up about this after 15 years, he's just as much the one with the issue as you are still feeling bad about it.
posted by Debaser626 at 7:22 AM on August 29, 2013
You didn't wrong the guy! He found out a truth about your life that he was uncomfortable with. That was a perfectly okay reaction for him to have, but it doesn't mean that you did something wrong to him.
1. I think that a lot of folks (especially women) assume that when someone feels bad, it's because a wrong has been done. Sometimes we're just going to encounter stuff that makes us feel sad, angry or rejected, and that's the shape of the world. Would it have been "right" for you to carefully conceal your sexual history so that his wishes remained intact? Would he even have wanted that?
2. A lot of us also default to "this set of experiences was a mistake/ill-advised/didn't make me happy so therefore it was morally wrong". You had some consensual sex with people for reasons that weren't the greatest, it made you feel good in the moment but ultimately you feel like it was about your fears and loneliness, not about pleasure. It's sad. I'm sorry that you went through a time when you were feeling so bad about stuff. But that doesn't mean that you did anything wrong, it just means that you did some stuff that was ill-advised.
Honestly, now that I am An Old, there are people from my youth who I had conflicted feelings about who I'd be overwhelmingly glad to talk to again. The conflicted feelings have worn away, I've grown up and what I see and value now are the good parts of the relationships. It seems likely that the guy looks back and what he remembers is how fond he was of you, and time has taken the sting out of the other stuff. Also, sometimes it feels good to look back on something and think "hey, I was hurt then, but now I am a more whole person and I can recognize the good and let the bad go instead of getting hung up on it".
posted by Frowner at 7:24 AM on August 29, 2013 [17 favorites]
1. I think that a lot of folks (especially women) assume that when someone feels bad, it's because a wrong has been done. Sometimes we're just going to encounter stuff that makes us feel sad, angry or rejected, and that's the shape of the world. Would it have been "right" for you to carefully conceal your sexual history so that his wishes remained intact? Would he even have wanted that?
2. A lot of us also default to "this set of experiences was a mistake/ill-advised/didn't make me happy so therefore it was morally wrong". You had some consensual sex with people for reasons that weren't the greatest, it made you feel good in the moment but ultimately you feel like it was about your fears and loneliness, not about pleasure. It's sad. I'm sorry that you went through a time when you were feeling so bad about stuff. But that doesn't mean that you did anything wrong, it just means that you did some stuff that was ill-advised.
Honestly, now that I am An Old, there are people from my youth who I had conflicted feelings about who I'd be overwhelmingly glad to talk to again. The conflicted feelings have worn away, I've grown up and what I see and value now are the good parts of the relationships. It seems likely that the guy looks back and what he remembers is how fond he was of you, and time has taken the sting out of the other stuff. Also, sometimes it feels good to look back on something and think "hey, I was hurt then, but now I am a more whole person and I can recognize the good and let the bad go instead of getting hung up on it".
posted by Frowner at 7:24 AM on August 29, 2013 [17 favorites]
I'm afraid that now he's thinking - ok, I said hello, now where the hell is my apology?
I doubt he is thinking this, and if he is then he is an ass. I get why he found what you said painful in that moment given his interest in you , but it was 15 years ago, you were both drunk and in your 20s, you didn't say it to hurt him, and there was nothing immoral or unethical about you sleeping around (though I understand it may not have been a particularly healthy behavior pattern for you). I think you would only owe him an apology if you'd been cruel to him, which you weren't. He has almost certainly moved on. It sounds like he thinks back on you fondly, which makes sense because he generally seems to have liked and appreciated you.
I had a very similar facebook exchange a couple of years ago with an ex-girlfriend from College. I was happy to hear she was doing well and I think she felt the same. After that initial round of messages, we haven't really communicated. We both made mistakes and said and did some hurtful things back in the day, but that was years ago and I don't think either of us saw a need to apologize or was expecting an apology. This sort of situation is very different from the ex-bully who was deliberately cruel to someone in high school. Romantic and sexual situations can be confusing and difficult and even people of good faith can end up hurting each other.
Don't call yourself a tramp or think of yourself that way.
posted by Area Man at 7:58 AM on August 29, 2013 [5 favorites]
I doubt he is thinking this, and if he is then he is an ass. I get why he found what you said painful in that moment given his interest in you , but it was 15 years ago, you were both drunk and in your 20s, you didn't say it to hurt him, and there was nothing immoral or unethical about you sleeping around (though I understand it may not have been a particularly healthy behavior pattern for you). I think you would only owe him an apology if you'd been cruel to him, which you weren't. He has almost certainly moved on. It sounds like he thinks back on you fondly, which makes sense because he generally seems to have liked and appreciated you.
I had a very similar facebook exchange a couple of years ago with an ex-girlfriend from College. I was happy to hear she was doing well and I think she felt the same. After that initial round of messages, we haven't really communicated. We both made mistakes and said and did some hurtful things back in the day, but that was years ago and I don't think either of us saw a need to apologize or was expecting an apology. This sort of situation is very different from the ex-bully who was deliberately cruel to someone in high school. Romantic and sexual situations can be confusing and difficult and even people of good faith can end up hurting each other.
Don't call yourself a tramp or think of yourself that way.
posted by Area Man at 7:58 AM on August 29, 2013 [5 favorites]
From your description it sounds like you -did- already apologize (you seem sure he got/read it), it's just taken him this long to be ready to accept it.
I think whether or not you really owed him an apology/should regret/etc are irrelevant in this space - that's for you and your therapist.
So if you want to say anything you could make it a simple "I'm so glad we've reconnected after all that water under the bridge; I felt bad about it and it makes me happy we're a part of each other's lives again." I think you run the risk of making it a new conversation - do you want that? But I don't think any apology ever harmed a relationship between two people, particularly if it allowed one of them to let go of their transgressions and forgive themselves.
posted by phearlez at 8:07 AM on August 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
I think whether or not you really owed him an apology/should regret/etc are irrelevant in this space - that's for you and your therapist.
So if you want to say anything you could make it a simple "I'm so glad we've reconnected after all that water under the bridge; I felt bad about it and it makes me happy we're a part of each other's lives again." I think you run the risk of making it a new conversation - do you want that? But I don't think any apology ever harmed a relationship between two people, particularly if it allowed one of them to let go of their transgressions and forgive themselves.
posted by phearlez at 8:07 AM on August 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
I had a very brief sexual encounter with someone, oh, 25 years ago? Brief, as in lasting minutes. It was awkward, never repeated, and we never dated again. In a very short time both of us had moved from the city to far parts of the world and went on with our respective lives.
Recently he contacted me on FB, and after one round of "how are you doings" broached the subject with a long, heartfelt apology/explanation, and though it was sort of sweet, it also just seemed, sort of, well, unnecessary and overly intimate at this point in time. I guess he felt badly, but I certainly never felt that anything warranted an apology, I really would have preferred to not talk about it, and NOW I feel awkward. I mean, the twenties are a mess of a crazy stuff, if I had to go through a heart-to-heart discussion with every person I was casually involved with, I would never get anything else done.
Give yourself a break. Let it go.
posted by nanook at 8:24 AM on August 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
Recently he contacted me on FB, and after one round of "how are you doings" broached the subject with a long, heartfelt apology/explanation, and though it was sort of sweet, it also just seemed, sort of, well, unnecessary and overly intimate at this point in time. I guess he felt badly, but I certainly never felt that anything warranted an apology, I really would have preferred to not talk about it, and NOW I feel awkward. I mean, the twenties are a mess of a crazy stuff, if I had to go through a heart-to-heart discussion with every person I was casually involved with, I would never get anything else done.
Give yourself a break. Let it go.
posted by nanook at 8:24 AM on August 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
I strongly disagree with other posters on this one*. In your post, you make a note of the fact that in your social circle what happened was a big no-no. At the very least, this means that in your estimate, your worldview, and your internal empathic assessment of others’ feeling, what you did then was hurtful. I come from a place that seems more in line with your past/ your past social circle’s thinking on these issues, and I, too, would have been really hurt by what happened, regardless of whether we had even slept together. I had stuff like this happen to me, and did it a couple of times myself to others (not the sleeping together part, just the very “special” time together, and knowing they had a soft spot for me), I do think it is a rather cruel thing to do and one of the things I am rather ashamed of. As it happens, I am also really OK with having felt ashamed about this. I do think it was one of the things which taught me about empathy, but it is also really the world I want to live in, one in which we are mindful of the impact we have on each other, and know to treat each other gently and respectfully, even if we do not take full responsibility for others, which we shouldn’t and couldn’t anyway. And if, for whatever reason, I act badly towards someone else I want to feel uncomfortable or ashamed, so I can try to make reparation, or act with more care in the future.
So, basically, I disagree with the fact that him possibly still harbouring some hurt, and/ or you still feeling bad about something that happened 15 years ago is a sign of mental problems for either of you (this would be different if you were crushed, or unable to function, of course).
But whilst I disagree with the premise of other posters, I nonetheless agree with their conclusion: at this point, I would not make a solemn apology. If your newly rediscovered relationship deepens, you may find a good opportunity to make your feelings about the past known. What matters even more, is to show that this is the case – show that you are no longer the alcohol-driven, thoughtless person you were in that moment.
Personally, I would find a sort of apology that is naturally integrated in the flow of our conversation/ interaction really touching, and it would have a positive effect on me even after a long time. Not because I’d still be hung up on you, but because when something like this happens more than just my amorous heart is affected. Going big gun apology right out of the gate I would find a bit awkward, like it is too emotional a moment given our CURRENT relationship, especially after such a long time. It is also clear that he is largely OK with you – hence him reaching out, so no drama of forgiveness is necessary. Otherwise I agree with other posters that there is a risk the apology itself becomes a bit too much about you and your need for absolution.
*Why I disagree with the “you did nothing wrong, you weren’t even in a relationship” line of thought: social norms play a very important part in how we experience our relationships, including romantic ones, and they therefore shape our happiness, grief, hurts as well. As I said, I come from a place where you are also considered to be in a relationship given certain types of interaction between two people, and it would be entirely bewildering to have the degree of relationshipness, as it were, depend on explicitly talking about it, officially going exclusive etc. This is not better or worse than the different model frequently embraced on AskMe, where entitlement to hurt hinges on whether there is explicit agreement to exclusive relationship status, but it can lead to murkiness and subsequent pain where I expect the more contractual model might help eliminate some confusion.
** I did apologize to one of the people I did something similar to, and it was VERY well received.
On preview, I think pharleaz has really good wording if you ever come to mention this.
posted by miorita at 8:31 AM on August 29, 2013 [3 favorites]
So, basically, I disagree with the fact that him possibly still harbouring some hurt, and/ or you still feeling bad about something that happened 15 years ago is a sign of mental problems for either of you (this would be different if you were crushed, or unable to function, of course).
But whilst I disagree with the premise of other posters, I nonetheless agree with their conclusion: at this point, I would not make a solemn apology. If your newly rediscovered relationship deepens, you may find a good opportunity to make your feelings about the past known. What matters even more, is to show that this is the case – show that you are no longer the alcohol-driven, thoughtless person you were in that moment.
Personally, I would find a sort of apology that is naturally integrated in the flow of our conversation/ interaction really touching, and it would have a positive effect on me even after a long time. Not because I’d still be hung up on you, but because when something like this happens more than just my amorous heart is affected. Going big gun apology right out of the gate I would find a bit awkward, like it is too emotional a moment given our CURRENT relationship, especially after such a long time. It is also clear that he is largely OK with you – hence him reaching out, so no drama of forgiveness is necessary. Otherwise I agree with other posters that there is a risk the apology itself becomes a bit too much about you and your need for absolution.
*Why I disagree with the “you did nothing wrong, you weren’t even in a relationship” line of thought: social norms play a very important part in how we experience our relationships, including romantic ones, and they therefore shape our happiness, grief, hurts as well. As I said, I come from a place where you are also considered to be in a relationship given certain types of interaction between two people, and it would be entirely bewildering to have the degree of relationshipness, as it were, depend on explicitly talking about it, officially going exclusive etc. This is not better or worse than the different model frequently embraced on AskMe, where entitlement to hurt hinges on whether there is explicit agreement to exclusive relationship status, but it can lead to murkiness and subsequent pain where I expect the more contractual model might help eliminate some confusion.
** I did apologize to one of the people I did something similar to, and it was VERY well received.
On preview, I think pharleaz has really good wording if you ever come to mention this.
posted by miorita at 8:31 AM on August 29, 2013 [3 favorites]
It sounds like you don't know if that was why he cut his trip short, if that revelation hurt/humiliated him... you got all of this second- or third-hand.
Let sleeping dogs lie. You're back in friendly contact now. Maybe he feels ashamed of his behavior back then, and doesn't want to discuss that incident. Maybe he doesn't remember, or doesn't want to.
posted by RainyJay at 8:48 AM on August 29, 2013
Let sleeping dogs lie. You're back in friendly contact now. Maybe he feels ashamed of his behavior back then, and doesn't want to discuss that incident. Maybe he doesn't remember, or doesn't want to.
posted by RainyJay at 8:48 AM on August 29, 2013
I had an old friend who was not a great friend (into drugs and alcohol which made her make a lot of bad choices) contact me on facebook, and send me a message that said, "I'm so happy to see that you are happy. I know I made a lot of bad decisions when we were younger that may have caused you pain, and I regret them so much. Please know that your role in my formative years was a positive one, and I'm so glad you approved my friend request."
She didn't go into details about how she stranded me at a concert to go do drugs, how she borrowed money from me and spent it on alcohol, etc. We both know those things happened, no need to go into detail. But her apology was so sincere. It made my day. If you're going to apologize, take those cues. Express happiness in his happiness, acknowledge your bad decisions and express regret, affirm that his role in your life was a positive one, and speak to your gratefulness for his renewed friendship.
posted by juniperesque at 8:55 AM on August 29, 2013 [13 favorites]
She didn't go into details about how she stranded me at a concert to go do drugs, how she borrowed money from me and spent it on alcohol, etc. We both know those things happened, no need to go into detail. But her apology was so sincere. It made my day. If you're going to apologize, take those cues. Express happiness in his happiness, acknowledge your bad decisions and express regret, affirm that his role in your life was a positive one, and speak to your gratefulness for his renewed friendship.
posted by juniperesque at 8:55 AM on August 29, 2013 [13 favorites]
He already answered your question. He does not want or need an apology. He has shown it by his enthusiastic initial contact. Regardless of whether you should or should not have been worried before, worry no more. He is over it if it ever was an issue. You should be too.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 8:58 AM on August 29, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by JohnnyGunn at 8:58 AM on August 29, 2013 [3 favorites]
If apologizing will make you feel better, go for it. We have a lot of things in our pasts that make us cringe, and I've found that a quick apology upon reuniting really helps wash away the shame.
One time, I reunited with a guy I'd gone to high school with, whom I'd casually asked to prom as friends, then withdrew the offer so I could ask my ex-boyfriend instead.* I took the opportunity to apologize, and my friend said that he honestly couldn't remember it, but then brought up & apologized for something he'd been ashamed of doing that I had no memory of! And we both felt better.
I think a lot of responses here are focused on "you don't owe anyone explanations for your sex life", but your quote below indicates you're more ashamed about treating him insensitively at the party:
I looked around the room and realised "I've been with every guy here". Except I said it out loud. To him. (I'm so mortified even writing that.) And it didn't occur to me that it might bother him.
I don't think there's anything wrong with apologizing for that if it's bothering you. You don't owe him an apology for the past, but if it will make you feel better (and I suspect it will), go for it—what's the worst that could happen? You haven't hung out with this guy in 15 years: if he gets weirded out, you just return to the status quo.
* yes, horrible. in the end, the ex turned me down b/c he and my best friend were secretly dating, and I ended up going to prom with a girlfriend. OH, HIGH SCHOOL.
posted by homodachi at 9:15 AM on August 29, 2013 [2 favorites]
One time, I reunited with a guy I'd gone to high school with, whom I'd casually asked to prom as friends, then withdrew the offer so I could ask my ex-boyfriend instead.* I took the opportunity to apologize, and my friend said that he honestly couldn't remember it, but then brought up & apologized for something he'd been ashamed of doing that I had no memory of! And we both felt better.
I think a lot of responses here are focused on "you don't owe anyone explanations for your sex life", but your quote below indicates you're more ashamed about treating him insensitively at the party:
I looked around the room and realised "I've been with every guy here". Except I said it out loud. To him. (I'm so mortified even writing that.) And it didn't occur to me that it might bother him.
I don't think there's anything wrong with apologizing for that if it's bothering you. You don't owe him an apology for the past, but if it will make you feel better (and I suspect it will), go for it—what's the worst that could happen? You haven't hung out with this guy in 15 years: if he gets weirded out, you just return to the status quo.
* yes, horrible. in the end, the ex turned me down b/c he and my best friend were secretly dating, and I ended up going to prom with a girlfriend. OH, HIGH SCHOOL.
posted by homodachi at 9:15 AM on August 29, 2013 [2 favorites]
Ugh please don't bring it up to him. It was a kind of foolish thing to say, not intentionally mean, but it sounds like it was a cringeworthy moment. If he does remember it, it's probably with embarrassment, not with anger or self righteousness expecting an apology... Don't stir up old feelings of embarrassment. Just tell him you're happy to be back in touch and that it's nice to see him.
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:49 AM on August 29, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:49 AM on August 29, 2013 [2 favorites]
From my experience, the question is not “can I make it through life without ever behaving like an ass?”
The question is, “when I behave like an ass, how should I deal with it”?
For me, integrity means owning up.
In your case, it might sound like: I’m really happy to hear from you, it provides me an opportunity to convey an apology I believe I owe you. I’ve always held regret about ___ .
In case you're wondering, he will write back and express forgiveness in one way or another. Since he's reached out to you, it’s clear he already has.
I don’t believe in sweeping things under the rug. There is no resolution that way. You will release a burden that you've been holding, and feel much, much better if you clear the air.
P.S. I'm not weighing in on whether or not you did something wrong, or how wrong you were, or whether I believe he holds any negative feelings about what went down. I'm simply saying that since your conduct wasn't in line with your own highest standards, own up to it, don't let anything fester.
posted by elf27 at 10:09 AM on August 29, 2013 [3 favorites]
The question is, “when I behave like an ass, how should I deal with it”?
For me, integrity means owning up.
In your case, it might sound like: I’m really happy to hear from you, it provides me an opportunity to convey an apology I believe I owe you. I’ve always held regret about ___ .
In case you're wondering, he will write back and express forgiveness in one way or another. Since he's reached out to you, it’s clear he already has.
I don’t believe in sweeping things under the rug. There is no resolution that way. You will release a burden that you've been holding, and feel much, much better if you clear the air.
P.S. I'm not weighing in on whether or not you did something wrong, or how wrong you were, or whether I believe he holds any negative feelings about what went down. I'm simply saying that since your conduct wasn't in line with your own highest standards, own up to it, don't let anything fester.
posted by elf27 at 10:09 AM on August 29, 2013 [3 favorites]
1) Let yourself off the hook for things you did in a different mindstate, and in the past.
2) Spend some time figuring out what you'd be apologizing for. Is it for sleeping with other people while not at all in a relationship other than having some chemistry? Is it because the today version of you sees that he would have been a more positive choice for your life than slutting around (in the sex-positive way of course) with your circle?
If you're just doing it to absolve yourself, you can do that without bringing it up to him.
I've been in a similar situation, and structured what I wanted to say not around an apology, but around more of a vulnerable clarification. "boy, i was pretty messed up in my 20s and did things that i'm not proud of to people i care about (even though they seemed like the right choice at the time). I'm glad we've gotten a chance to reconnect!" and then just move forward. If they want to rehash then at that point its piling on, I think.
posted by softlord at 10:32 AM on August 29, 2013
2) Spend some time figuring out what you'd be apologizing for. Is it for sleeping with other people while not at all in a relationship other than having some chemistry? Is it because the today version of you sees that he would have been a more positive choice for your life than slutting around (in the sex-positive way of course) with your circle?
If you're just doing it to absolve yourself, you can do that without bringing it up to him.
I've been in a similar situation, and structured what I wanted to say not around an apology, but around more of a vulnerable clarification. "boy, i was pretty messed up in my 20s and did things that i'm not proud of to people i care about (even though they seemed like the right choice at the time). I'm glad we've gotten a chance to reconnect!" and then just move forward. If they want to rehash then at that point its piling on, I think.
posted by softlord at 10:32 AM on August 29, 2013
A big disappointment or embarrassment for him might be that he at one time thought maybe he meant a lot to you, then suddenly got the impression that he was just one of many friends you had. That can be really hurtful. If you can convey to him that he wasn't a fool, that, back then, what he felt was not all in his head -- without seeming to hint that you want to get back together _now_ (really important and difficult to do) -- that might actually make the past hurt lessen.
Not sure if this is actually a _good_ idea, but if you do apologize, letting him know that he wasn't stupid or deluded might be a good thing to include.
posted by amtho at 10:54 AM on August 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
Not sure if this is actually a _good_ idea, but if you do apologize, letting him know that he wasn't stupid or deluded might be a good thing to include.
posted by amtho at 10:54 AM on August 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
If you really communicate with this person, it's likely the past is going to come up, so I'd think about how to respond to it when it does, but I don't see any need for you to preemptively bring it up. Fifteen years is a long time!
posted by Fister Roboto at 11:35 AM on August 29, 2013
posted by Fister Roboto at 11:35 AM on August 29, 2013
I would agree with the posters who say you didn't actually do anything wrong, per se. I would guess that considering time, he probably understands that as well. Just as you look back and see that it was a little insensitive, he probably looks back now and sees that you were in your twenties and you weren't really dating, otherwise upon making contact it would be the first thing he brought up. If he does bring it up, feel free to apologize for how you made him feel. If an apology is expected by him after 20 years, the contacting party usually finds a way to bring the event up.
posted by itsonreserve at 12:08 PM on August 29, 2013
posted by itsonreserve at 12:08 PM on August 29, 2013
It's one of the Geek Social Fallacies that feelings can be completely controlled. If you knew or suspected that your friend had feelings for you, and you blurted out in front of him that you'd slept with every guy in the room - then you have good reason to think you might have hurt his feelings. This is a completely separate issue from whether or not you had a right to sleep with every guy in the room. If you like your friends at all, you are going to be careful of their feelings, aren't you? So please don't feel like you are out of line for caring about this, I think it shows sensitivity and kindness on your part! It is not a sign that anything is wrong with you!
And if this has bothered you for such a long time - well, as we often say on the green, if you have strong feelings about this you should listen to them. I think that even if this guy wasn't upset at all by what you said, it is definitely still upsetting you, so if you want to say to him that you think you said something really tactless to him all that time ago, and you've regretted it ever since, and you just want him to know that you really liked and valued him and the last thing you wanted was to step on his feelings - there's nothing wrong with that either! It shows sensitivity and kindness on your part!
Now maybe he won't have attached as much significance to all this as you think, but your feelings matter too, and you have a right to express them! (To someone you were once intimate with, no less!) Considering that explaining yourself *now* is highly unlikely to hurt anyone, go for it.
posted by tel3path at 12:08 PM on August 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
And if this has bothered you for such a long time - well, as we often say on the green, if you have strong feelings about this you should listen to them. I think that even if this guy wasn't upset at all by what you said, it is definitely still upsetting you, so if you want to say to him that you think you said something really tactless to him all that time ago, and you've regretted it ever since, and you just want him to know that you really liked and valued him and the last thing you wanted was to step on his feelings - there's nothing wrong with that either! It shows sensitivity and kindness on your part!
Now maybe he won't have attached as much significance to all this as you think, but your feelings matter too, and you have a right to express them! (To someone you were once intimate with, no less!) Considering that explaining yourself *now* is highly unlikely to hurt anyone, go for it.
posted by tel3path at 12:08 PM on August 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
Also... what miorita just said, that an attitude that often shines through around here is that nobody has any claim on anybody's feelings, or grounds for feeling jealous, or reason to consider that they are in a relationship with somebody they've had sex with unless there's been an explicit conversation "okay, now we are in a relationship and we will call ourselves boyfriend and girlfriend and we will not have sex with other people and we will not engage in flirtatous discourse with others nor send them nudie pics as defined under clause 13b"... well... I agree with miorita's view.
It's funny that MeFi is so Ask about BF/GF relationships but so Guess about upsetting interactions that happened in the past. "Oh, he probably has forgiven you or never noticed or doesn't care now..." That is sometimes true. Sometimes the least said soonest mended. Other times, though, I had a desperate craving for someone to please acknowledge that something they did was hurtful? at all? please? did they not even notice? did they just casually stomp on my feelings and exit my life and never give me another thought? Well, yeah, unless they tell me otherwise, I have no choice but to assume that that's the case. If I knew that the hurtful incident was something they'd regretted ever since... it would relieve a lot of my pain.
And... many of the most distressing incidents in my life were when friends snubbed me or let me down in a big way, right around the time my father died, and then I didn't hear from them again. Like, nothing, or at most a minimal and impersonal sympathy card the following Christmas (srsly? I'm worth that much effort? one card and exactly one stamp? gee, thanks!) It was really painful to me to think that my father had gone to a place where he couldn't come back from, but my friends - that I thought were my friends - were only a few miles away living and breathing and walking and talking, but I couldn't get to them, for the sole reason that they just didn't care. I was not too busy mourning my father that I didn't also mourn my friends - it just made the pain worse.
I'm not saying any of this to rub your face in it, OP. I think, as I said, that you're being very thoughtful and sensitive and I wish more people thought like you do, and you should go ahead and say your piece. I'm just strongly making what seems to be a contrarian case for why this guy might have found the interaction hurtful (he may not have, but then again maybe he did) and why I think you are right to take this into consideration.
posted by tel3path at 12:20 PM on August 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
It's funny that MeFi is so Ask about BF/GF relationships but so Guess about upsetting interactions that happened in the past. "Oh, he probably has forgiven you or never noticed or doesn't care now..." That is sometimes true. Sometimes the least said soonest mended. Other times, though, I had a desperate craving for someone to please acknowledge that something they did was hurtful? at all? please? did they not even notice? did they just casually stomp on my feelings and exit my life and never give me another thought? Well, yeah, unless they tell me otherwise, I have no choice but to assume that that's the case. If I knew that the hurtful incident was something they'd regretted ever since... it would relieve a lot of my pain.
And... many of the most distressing incidents in my life were when friends snubbed me or let me down in a big way, right around the time my father died, and then I didn't hear from them again. Like, nothing, or at most a minimal and impersonal sympathy card the following Christmas (srsly? I'm worth that much effort? one card and exactly one stamp? gee, thanks!) It was really painful to me to think that my father had gone to a place where he couldn't come back from, but my friends - that I thought were my friends - were only a few miles away living and breathing and walking and talking, but I couldn't get to them, for the sole reason that they just didn't care. I was not too busy mourning my father that I didn't also mourn my friends - it just made the pain worse.
I'm not saying any of this to rub your face in it, OP. I think, as I said, that you're being very thoughtful and sensitive and I wish more people thought like you do, and you should go ahead and say your piece. I'm just strongly making what seems to be a contrarian case for why this guy might have found the interaction hurtful (he may not have, but then again maybe he did) and why I think you are right to take this into consideration.
posted by tel3path at 12:20 PM on August 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
Here are the elements in what happened in your Past with this guy:
--You slept around while he was away, which was not wronging him, because you two were not in a committed relationship
--When he returned, you were ambivalent about him, which might have been disappointing or hurtful to him, but wasn't you wronging him
--When you guys were at the party you said that thing to him, which was thoughtless, yes, but not intended to be cruel.
In short, you didn't like him as much as he wanted you to like him, and then you were a little thoughtless about it. So I wouldn't think an "apology" per se was in order, since the only thing to formally apologize for was a thoughtless comment fifteen years ago at a party, AND, since he then proceeded to never talk to you again, then he ALSO did something that could be construed as a friend-foul, i.e. falling off the face of the earth and only letting you find out why through the gossip chain.
I do understand that you feel bad about this period of time, that you feel ashamed about the sexual encounters you had during this phase, and also that you wish you had been gentler with this particular guy. But I don't think you owe him anything, I SINCERELY doubt he is waiting for an apology, and I think a formal apology has the potential to make him feel awkward.
With that in mind, I would do two things:
1) Try to imagine the young woman you were, confused and doing things that she wasn't going to feel good about later. See that young woman the way you'd see someone else of that age. If you had a little sister who was sleeping around in way she'd regret, and drinking too much, I doubt you would judge her harshly; you'd wish she was making choices that would nourish her instead of hurt her. See if you can imagine younger you and send her a little love and forgiveness. I really mean this; lie down on the couch and picture your young self, and try and send her some compassion and affection.
2) Enjoy reconnecting with this guy to whatever extent feels good. If you wind up having an exchange beyond "Hi! Imagine finding you here!" I might say something really gentle and generalized, like "I'm glad you looked me up. I was very sad to hear when your father passed, and I never felt good about the end of our friendship. It's really nice to talk with you again." That kind of acknowledgement leaves things very open-ended. If he still has some feelings to work through about that period, he could say "Thanks, I appreciate it" or "Yes, I always felt bad about the way that happened [etc]." Or if that period is in the past, he doesn't want to process it and he's just enjoying seeing you all grown-up, he can just say "I'm glad to reconnect with you too."
posted by feets at 1:24 PM on August 29, 2013 [4 favorites]
--You slept around while he was away, which was not wronging him, because you two were not in a committed relationship
--When he returned, you were ambivalent about him, which might have been disappointing or hurtful to him, but wasn't you wronging him
--When you guys were at the party you said that thing to him, which was thoughtless, yes, but not intended to be cruel.
In short, you didn't like him as much as he wanted you to like him, and then you were a little thoughtless about it. So I wouldn't think an "apology" per se was in order, since the only thing to formally apologize for was a thoughtless comment fifteen years ago at a party, AND, since he then proceeded to never talk to you again, then he ALSO did something that could be construed as a friend-foul, i.e. falling off the face of the earth and only letting you find out why through the gossip chain.
I do understand that you feel bad about this period of time, that you feel ashamed about the sexual encounters you had during this phase, and also that you wish you had been gentler with this particular guy. But I don't think you owe him anything, I SINCERELY doubt he is waiting for an apology, and I think a formal apology has the potential to make him feel awkward.
With that in mind, I would do two things:
1) Try to imagine the young woman you were, confused and doing things that she wasn't going to feel good about later. See that young woman the way you'd see someone else of that age. If you had a little sister who was sleeping around in way she'd regret, and drinking too much, I doubt you would judge her harshly; you'd wish she was making choices that would nourish her instead of hurt her. See if you can imagine younger you and send her a little love and forgiveness. I really mean this; lie down on the couch and picture your young self, and try and send her some compassion and affection.
2) Enjoy reconnecting with this guy to whatever extent feels good. If you wind up having an exchange beyond "Hi! Imagine finding you here!" I might say something really gentle and generalized, like "I'm glad you looked me up. I was very sad to hear when your father passed, and I never felt good about the end of our friendship. It's really nice to talk with you again." That kind of acknowledgement leaves things very open-ended. If he still has some feelings to work through about that period, he could say "Thanks, I appreciate it" or "Yes, I always felt bad about the way that happened [etc]." Or if that period is in the past, he doesn't want to process it and he's just enjoying seeing you all grown-up, he can just say "I'm glad to reconnect with you too."
posted by feets at 1:24 PM on August 29, 2013 [4 favorites]
Nthing don't say anything. I was all prepared to come in and be like, "apologise!". A couple of years ago, I received a one-off apology email from a once-very-close friend who did something pretty bad about 12 years prior, and it was a great thing to receive.
But you didn't do anything wrong, really. Insensitive, maybe, but if young people aren't allowed to be insensitive, who the hell is, I ask you? Plus, you already apologised. This guy reached out to you; he didn't do it because he wanted an apology, he did it because he wanted to be friendly. So be friendly. I think you might still need to do a little work on your self-esteem.
posted by smoke at 3:05 PM on August 29, 2013
But you didn't do anything wrong, really. Insensitive, maybe, but if young people aren't allowed to be insensitive, who the hell is, I ask you? Plus, you already apologised. This guy reached out to you; he didn't do it because he wanted an apology, he did it because he wanted to be friendly. So be friendly. I think you might still need to do a little work on your self-esteem.
posted by smoke at 3:05 PM on August 29, 2013
I agree that an apology per se is not called for, but maybe a more general "It's nice to reconnect with you now, I was kind of a mess back then and am so glad that I'm not the same person now" might be more what you want to do. I relate a lot to your post and found myself expressing similar sentiments to someone years later. The need to explain/apologize was due to the shame that I still carried about that period of my life, and the need to let him know that I had changed into a different person. I also had genuine remorse about having possibly hurt him. He gracefully assured me that we had all made mistakes back then, and I felt a huge sense of relief. Whatever his reaction may be, forgive yourself.
posted by Jandoe at 7:38 PM on August 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Jandoe at 7:38 PM on August 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by h00py at 6:53 AM on August 29, 2013 [5 favorites]