Relationship expectations I have are to high?
August 23, 2013 8:22 AM Subscribe
I need to figure out whether I have high expectations in a relationship, or the guy I saw for three months is just a jerk, or emotionally unavailable.
I have my own opinion but I wanna hear your opinion. So, this weekend I am working on Saturday 9 to 5. He is visiting his family 2 hours away from our town. I asked him if he wants me to drive down there fter work so that we can all be together and spend the night there fter. He said, no , it is crazy for me to drive back and forth so much.instead he wil come home after my work. This sounds normal, but raises the question... Does he wants to keep me far away from his family? He told me he likes me to spend time with his family but not all the time. That's exactly how he said it... not all the time. I feel hurt, what do you mean not all the time? Anyways, I will just do my own thing and be happy. I am responsible for my own happiness after all. I just feel distant with his family. I Facebook text his mom, she doesn't even bother responding back. I am used to a different family. My ex's family welcomed me way better and I didn't feel as neglected. But who knows, I might have stupid expectations , but time will tell.
I have my own opinion but I wanna hear your opinion. So, this weekend I am working on Saturday 9 to 5. He is visiting his family 2 hours away from our town. I asked him if he wants me to drive down there fter work so that we can all be together and spend the night there fter. He said, no , it is crazy for me to drive back and forth so much.instead he wil come home after my work. This sounds normal, but raises the question... Does he wants to keep me far away from his family? He told me he likes me to spend time with his family but not all the time. That's exactly how he said it... not all the time. I feel hurt, what do you mean not all the time? Anyways, I will just do my own thing and be happy. I am responsible for my own happiness after all. I just feel distant with his family. I Facebook text his mom, she doesn't even bother responding back. I am used to a different family. My ex's family welcomed me way better and I didn't feel as neglected. But who knows, I might have stupid expectations , but time will tell.
This sounds normal
Agreed, particularly after you've spent 8 hours working on Saturday. Considerate, even.
I am used to a different family.
They come in all shapes and forms, yes. I wouldn't put too much stock in whether his mom messages you back on FB.
I might have stupid expectations , but time will tell.
I don't think they're stupid, but if you feel this way, you should talk to your BF.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 8:28 AM on August 23, 2013
Agreed, particularly after you've spent 8 hours working on Saturday. Considerate, even.
I am used to a different family.
They come in all shapes and forms, yes. I wouldn't put too much stock in whether his mom messages you back on FB.
I might have stupid expectations , but time will tell.
I don't think they're stupid, but if you feel this way, you should talk to your BF.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 8:28 AM on August 23, 2013
yeah, definitely too early to be FB'ing his mom. You are not dating his family, you are dating him.
posted by dawkins_7 at 8:28 AM on August 23, 2013 [15 favorites]
posted by dawkins_7 at 8:28 AM on August 23, 2013 [15 favorites]
It sounds to me like he is being considerate by driving back instead of having you drive two hours after work.
I don't understand why you are hurt that he doesn't want to spend "all the time" with his family? If he did, the two of you would never get to spend any romantic time alone together.
posted by Jacqueline at 8:30 AM on August 23, 2013 [1 favorite]
I don't understand why you are hurt that he doesn't want to spend "all the time" with his family? If he did, the two of you would never get to spend any romantic time alone together.
posted by Jacqueline at 8:30 AM on August 23, 2013 [1 favorite]
If you’ve only been seeing this guy for 3 months, then yes I’d say your expectations are too high. Why do you even need to be in touch with his mom? I wouldn’t read anything into her lack of a response on FB…FB is highly unreliable.
I can understand his desire to hang out with his family sometimes without you being there (i.e. “not all the time”). Don’t you think he deserves that? Especially when his family is 2 hours away and he probably doesn’t see them often. If you and he live in the same town, he gets to see you much more often. And like I said, you’ve only been together 3 months! You should not expect to spend every weekend together, whether at his family's house or your own.
posted by yawper at 8:31 AM on August 23, 2013 [7 favorites]
I can understand his desire to hang out with his family sometimes without you being there (i.e. “not all the time”). Don’t you think he deserves that? Especially when his family is 2 hours away and he probably doesn’t see them often. If you and he live in the same town, he gets to see you much more often. And like I said, you’ve only been together 3 months! You should not expect to spend every weekend together, whether at his family's house or your own.
posted by yawper at 8:31 AM on August 23, 2013 [7 favorites]
Nthing you shouldn't friend members of his family until you've met them....but rather odd that BF doesn't want you to meet them.
posted by brujita at 8:31 AM on August 23, 2013
posted by brujita at 8:31 AM on August 23, 2013
Does he wants to keep me far away from his family?
You ARE far away from his family-- 2 hours away, in fact. They hardly know you. It is way too early for you to expect (or even want) to become close with his family. You're dating him after all, not them. Concentrate on the relationship with your boyfriend, not his family.
posted by deanc at 8:34 AM on August 23, 2013 [4 favorites]
You ARE far away from his family-- 2 hours away, in fact. They hardly know you. It is way too early for you to expect (or even want) to become close with his family. You're dating him after all, not them. Concentrate on the relationship with your boyfriend, not his family.
posted by deanc at 8:34 AM on August 23, 2013 [4 favorites]
Do you have other reasons to believe that he is "emotionally unavailable" or that his family doesn't want to get to know you? Has he led you to believe that this is already a serious relationship but is still reluctant to introduce you to his family? Is the family situation a proxy for something else you're worried about, some coldness or bad communication?
If this is the only thing that feels off to you, then I think you may be taking it too seriously.
People's norms around this vary widely. For instance, I knew someone for a couple or maybe three months before we went on a date. Their family lived in town. I met them for dinner maybe two months after we'd started dating and I started attending family events intermittently about four months after. But that was after I'd know this person for six months - and it was a relationship that we both knew right away was going to be serious/long-term and we were spending a LOT of free time together. If I had met someone on OKCupid, dated regularly but not super-seriously for three months and had only known them for three months, I would think it, actually, a little bit weird to be all integrated into family stuff at that point.
Also, do you know whether this guy has a bad history with his family? If his interactions with them are really stressful, if there's a history of some kind of abuse, if they're really racist or sexist, etc, he may simply find it really stressful to even contemplate bringing you along right now.
I feel like "meeting the family" is often either really casual and early in the relationship ("oh, everyone lives locally and we sort of run into each other occasionally and they meet every single solitary person I date just because it's a small world") or a really big deal ("they live far away, I make special arrangements to see them and they only meet people when it's serious").
posted by Frowner at 8:36 AM on August 23, 2013 [3 favorites]
If this is the only thing that feels off to you, then I think you may be taking it too seriously.
People's norms around this vary widely. For instance, I knew someone for a couple or maybe three months before we went on a date. Their family lived in town. I met them for dinner maybe two months after we'd started dating and I started attending family events intermittently about four months after. But that was after I'd know this person for six months - and it was a relationship that we both knew right away was going to be serious/long-term and we were spending a LOT of free time together. If I had met someone on OKCupid, dated regularly but not super-seriously for three months and had only known them for three months, I would think it, actually, a little bit weird to be all integrated into family stuff at that point.
Also, do you know whether this guy has a bad history with his family? If his interactions with them are really stressful, if there's a history of some kind of abuse, if they're really racist or sexist, etc, he may simply find it really stressful to even contemplate bringing you along right now.
I feel like "meeting the family" is often either really casual and early in the relationship ("oh, everyone lives locally and we sort of run into each other occasionally and they meet every single solitary person I date just because it's a small world") or a really big deal ("they live far away, I make special arrangements to see them and they only meet people when it's serious").
posted by Frowner at 8:36 AM on August 23, 2013 [3 favorites]
My partner and I have been together 13 years and I don't text her mom. We all care about each other but I don't text her.
Different families are different. He may want to spend time along with his family - even if he doesn't want to see them all the time, it may be that on some of the times he sees them, he wants to just hang out with them.
I feel hurt, what do you mean not all the time?
Why do you feel hurt when he said this? What was it that hurt you about him expressing the way in which he likes to interact with his family?
posted by rtha at 8:38 AM on August 23, 2013
Different families are different. He may want to spend time along with his family - even if he doesn't want to see them all the time, it may be that on some of the times he sees them, he wants to just hang out with them.
I feel hurt, what do you mean not all the time?
Why do you feel hurt when he said this? What was it that hurt you about him expressing the way in which he likes to interact with his family?
posted by rtha at 8:38 AM on August 23, 2013
Personally I dated my significant other for 3 years before we met each other's families- and we live under an hour's travel from either set. Granted that's because we're both fairly private, and wanted to make sure that we were really sticking it out with each other before introducing each other's family to yet another significant other.
From my opinion, at 3 months you barely know the person you are dating. I wouldn't want to start spending the effort to get to know their family.
I'd expect to meet family in passing closer to the 6-9 month mark, with facebooking/emailing of significant other's siblings only in case of emergency or such after a1yr mark. and I'd never reach out to the significant other's family without their knowledge or approval. It's their family, they get to manage your relationship with their parents/siblings in the beginning.
posted by larthegreat at 8:38 AM on August 23, 2013 [1 favorite]
From my opinion, at 3 months you barely know the person you are dating. I wouldn't want to start spending the effort to get to know their family.
I'd expect to meet family in passing closer to the 6-9 month mark, with facebooking/emailing of significant other's siblings only in case of emergency or such after a1yr mark. and I'd never reach out to the significant other's family without their knowledge or approval. It's their family, they get to manage your relationship with their parents/siblings in the beginning.
posted by larthegreat at 8:38 AM on August 23, 2013 [1 favorite]
I add, people's family norms with strangers are really different. My family? We are introverts. Inviting a newish date to make a long drive and a long visit with the family would not be something we'd do, not out of any sinister motive but just because it's not our family's culture.
posted by Frowner at 8:38 AM on August 23, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by Frowner at 8:38 AM on August 23, 2013 [2 favorites]
I totally get why he'd like to spend time with his family apart from you. It's normal and considerate. Some people enjoy their families in small doses. Some families only have about 4 hours of sane in them, after that it gets weird. (My family for example.)
If you have a strained relationship with your family, or you've reached a relationship with your family after a lot of therapy and boundary-setting, it's emotionally difficult to juggle that with your over-enthusiastic GF, who wants to be all up under them.
Back off, let him set the tone for how much family interaction he wants to have and how much he wants you to have.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:38 AM on August 23, 2013 [5 favorites]
If you have a strained relationship with your family, or you've reached a relationship with your family after a lot of therapy and boundary-setting, it's emotionally difficult to juggle that with your over-enthusiastic GF, who wants to be all up under them.
Back off, let him set the tone for how much family interaction he wants to have and how much he wants you to have.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:38 AM on August 23, 2013 [5 favorites]
I Facebook text his mom, she doesn't even bother responding back.
This comment really makes me think that your expectations about interacting with his family are pretty off. There could be a million reasons why his mom doesn't respond to your facebook texts. Maybe she doesn't know how to use that feature. Maybe she's really busy and doesn't have time to respond. But you interpret it as she "doesn't even bother responding," which sounds like you think she is obligated to respond to you. This is pretty disrespectful. Even if she really liked you she shouldn't be obligated to respond to your facebook messages. You have to respect other people's boundaries.
posted by ultraviolet catastrophe at 8:44 AM on August 23, 2013 [22 favorites]
This comment really makes me think that your expectations about interacting with his family are pretty off. There could be a million reasons why his mom doesn't respond to your facebook texts. Maybe she doesn't know how to use that feature. Maybe she's really busy and doesn't have time to respond. But you interpret it as she "doesn't even bother responding," which sounds like you think she is obligated to respond to you. This is pretty disrespectful. Even if she really liked you she shouldn't be obligated to respond to your facebook messages. You have to respect other people's boundaries.
posted by ultraviolet catastrophe at 8:44 AM on August 23, 2013 [22 favorites]
...And I just skimmed your askme history, and this question is part of a theme.
It's an issue you owe to yourself (and your partners) to address, and to address it more seriously than asking people on the internet. Whether this means actual therapy or delving into the world of co-dependency books and workbooks (or both) is up to you and your schedule and finances. But do value yourself enough to work on this so it doesn't keep making your life more difficult and miserable than it seems to be now.
posted by rtha at 8:45 AM on August 23, 2013 [18 favorites]
It's an issue you owe to yourself (and your partners) to address, and to address it more seriously than asking people on the internet. Whether this means actual therapy or delving into the world of co-dependency books and workbooks (or both) is up to you and your schedule and finances. But do value yourself enough to work on this so it doesn't keep making your life more difficult and miserable than it seems to be now.
posted by rtha at 8:45 AM on August 23, 2013 [18 favorites]
Is this the same guy from your last question, the one who temporarily broke up with you because he felt you were too clingy? Your last question was about the concept of "space" in a relationship, and although this question is worded differently, the basic gist is very much the same.
It is actually quite considerate of your boyfriend to not want you to drive two hours to meet up with his family after a full day at work. Beside, even if you traveled all that way and everyone in his family stayed up until midnight, you would have an absolute maximum of five hours of time (?) with them before everyone had to go to bed. Three months of dating is, IMO, much too early to drive for two hours after work specifically in order to spend the night at his parents' house.
You should not Facebook text his mother, especially if she is not responding to you. Just take a deep breath and let it go. My last relationship lasted for close to a decade and his family was/is completely great, but I would never take it upon myself to reach out to any of them independent of him unless it was the holidays, there was an emergency, or he specifically asked me to do so. I don't think maintaining that level of distance is an unusual or uncommon approach.
If this is a cultural disconnect, or if you feel that you absolutely must be with someone who is comfortable with you independently conversing with their family members in what is basically a brand new relationship, you need to break up with your current boyfriend. Your expectations are not stupid, but they do need to be adjustable, and you will need to be able to compromise based on your partner's personality. Not every person you want to date will be comfortable with you speaking to and spending a lot of time with their family so early on. It does not mean he does not care about you. It does not mean he is trying to keep you away from them. It just means he is not comfortable with this right now.
I absolutely do not subscribe to the notion of "women are clingy/crazy/undesirable if they contact men more than [x] amount," but this is another story. You seem to be terrified of perceived abandonment; your insecurity is palpable and heartbreaking. As someone who still succumbs to these issues from time to time, I would definitely recommend returning to the answers you were given in your last question and, above all, discussing this with a therapist.
I know it is difficult, but if you hope to achieve balance, peace, and mutual respect in your partnerships going forward, you will need to sit down and really work on decreasing your anxiety in order to be able to give your partner and your relationship room to breathe. It takes effort and time, but it can be done. Good luck!
posted by divined by radio at 8:56 AM on August 23, 2013 [14 favorites]
It is actually quite considerate of your boyfriend to not want you to drive two hours to meet up with his family after a full day at work. Beside, even if you traveled all that way and everyone in his family stayed up until midnight, you would have an absolute maximum of five hours of time (?) with them before everyone had to go to bed. Three months of dating is, IMO, much too early to drive for two hours after work specifically in order to spend the night at his parents' house.
You should not Facebook text his mother, especially if she is not responding to you. Just take a deep breath and let it go. My last relationship lasted for close to a decade and his family was/is completely great, but I would never take it upon myself to reach out to any of them independent of him unless it was the holidays, there was an emergency, or he specifically asked me to do so. I don't think maintaining that level of distance is an unusual or uncommon approach.
If this is a cultural disconnect, or if you feel that you absolutely must be with someone who is comfortable with you independently conversing with their family members in what is basically a brand new relationship, you need to break up with your current boyfriend. Your expectations are not stupid, but they do need to be adjustable, and you will need to be able to compromise based on your partner's personality. Not every person you want to date will be comfortable with you speaking to and spending a lot of time with their family so early on. It does not mean he does not care about you. It does not mean he is trying to keep you away from them. It just means he is not comfortable with this right now.
I absolutely do not subscribe to the notion of "women are clingy/crazy/undesirable if they contact men more than [x] amount," but this is another story. You seem to be terrified of perceived abandonment; your insecurity is palpable and heartbreaking. As someone who still succumbs to these issues from time to time, I would definitely recommend returning to the answers you were given in your last question and, above all, discussing this with a therapist.
I know it is difficult, but if you hope to achieve balance, peace, and mutual respect in your partnerships going forward, you will need to sit down and really work on decreasing your anxiety in order to be able to give your partner and your relationship room to breathe. It takes effort and time, but it can be done. Good luck!
posted by divined by radio at 8:56 AM on August 23, 2013 [14 favorites]
I gotta be honest with you, if my SO were Facebook-texting my mom after three months, I'd be pretty weirded out. I think my mom would be, too, to be honest.
posted by breakin' the law at 9:02 AM on August 23, 2013 [22 favorites]
posted by breakin' the law at 9:02 AM on August 23, 2013 [22 favorites]
I am about to marry a man who I moved in with about 3 months after we started dating. I am the queen of fast moving relationships, so I feel comfortable giving advice on this.
Your expectations are way off. WAY off. Three months is hardly any time for most relationships, you're still in the getting to know you phase of things. This reads as you really rushing things, and now you're upset because he isn't as comfortable as you are with rushing things. I too looked at your past questions, and agree that there is a total theme going on here. You have very very high expectations in terms of level of contact, and how quickly those high levels of contact must be established and maintained. It is okay for you to want that in a relationship, but you need to understand that a lot of people aren't functioning under the expectations you're holding. When they fail to meet your expectations they aren't necessarily being shifty or witholding or hiding you from their family.
I struggled with this some too in past relationships, you aren't alone in this. Moving forward I have the following suggestions:
1. You speak about this guy in the past tense ("This guy I saw" vs "The guy I am seeing") so I am going to assume your relationship with this guy is over. I think that is a good thing, simply because I think you need to spend some time alone and get more comfortable with yourself. You come off as quite insecure and lacking in confidence, and that is hurting the relationships you are in. Work on that, maybe get some therapy to help work on that, and just spend some time learning who you are and who you want to be.
2. Have a discussion with whoever you're dating at the time what you would PREFER in terms of contact and time together vs. time apart, inclusion in other aspects of their life (introducing to friends/family). Make it clear what you want. THEN ask your boyfriend what HE wants. Talk about what he wants in terms of level of contact, time together vs. time apart, etc. Have a nice loooong discussion about it. Decide upon what is and is not reasonable, and make sure you both understand each other's expectations.
3. Don't friend a significant other's family member before you've met them. I actually think early on (and yes, 3 months is very early on) any friending of your SO's family on facebook should be cleared by your SO first. Later on, once you know the family and have spent time with them and you have a relationship with them by your own rights, then fine, make your own choice. I have to agree with breakin' the law - I would have found this really weird and uncomfortable as well.
4. You really need to take relationships slower, I think. You are coming off as clingy, and I don't think you want that. The solution is to, well, not be clingy. Have a life outside of your partner. Understand and be okay with the fact that THEY have a life outside of you. Scale back how quickly the relationship progresses. Take things a LOT slower.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 9:12 AM on August 23, 2013 [7 favorites]
Your expectations are way off. WAY off. Three months is hardly any time for most relationships, you're still in the getting to know you phase of things. This reads as you really rushing things, and now you're upset because he isn't as comfortable as you are with rushing things. I too looked at your past questions, and agree that there is a total theme going on here. You have very very high expectations in terms of level of contact, and how quickly those high levels of contact must be established and maintained. It is okay for you to want that in a relationship, but you need to understand that a lot of people aren't functioning under the expectations you're holding. When they fail to meet your expectations they aren't necessarily being shifty or witholding or hiding you from their family.
I struggled with this some too in past relationships, you aren't alone in this. Moving forward I have the following suggestions:
1. You speak about this guy in the past tense ("This guy I saw" vs "The guy I am seeing") so I am going to assume your relationship with this guy is over. I think that is a good thing, simply because I think you need to spend some time alone and get more comfortable with yourself. You come off as quite insecure and lacking in confidence, and that is hurting the relationships you are in. Work on that, maybe get some therapy to help work on that, and just spend some time learning who you are and who you want to be.
2. Have a discussion with whoever you're dating at the time what you would PREFER in terms of contact and time together vs. time apart, inclusion in other aspects of their life (introducing to friends/family). Make it clear what you want. THEN ask your boyfriend what HE wants. Talk about what he wants in terms of level of contact, time together vs. time apart, etc. Have a nice loooong discussion about it. Decide upon what is and is not reasonable, and make sure you both understand each other's expectations.
3. Don't friend a significant other's family member before you've met them. I actually think early on (and yes, 3 months is very early on) any friending of your SO's family on facebook should be cleared by your SO first. Later on, once you know the family and have spent time with them and you have a relationship with them by your own rights, then fine, make your own choice. I have to agree with breakin' the law - I would have found this really weird and uncomfortable as well.
4. You really need to take relationships slower, I think. You are coming off as clingy, and I don't think you want that. The solution is to, well, not be clingy. Have a life outside of your partner. Understand and be okay with the fact that THEY have a life outside of you. Scale back how quickly the relationship progresses. Take things a LOT slower.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 9:12 AM on August 23, 2013 [7 favorites]
I've been married for almost 10 years and I still sometimes see my parents without my wife. For example, my sister and I went out to dinner with our dad about a month ago. My dad loves my wife, but he just wanted some time alone with two of his kids. My wife sometimes goes out to dinner or lunch with one of her sisters or her mom without inviting me. It isn't a big deal because we feel secure about ourselves and our relationships. Families and individuals differ, but I think it is very normal and understandable that after only three months he sometimes sees his family without you being present. Heck, I think a certain amount of that is okay even years into a relationship. His response to your offer to drive over on Saturday sounds like he was just being considerate. As for the Facebook thing, his mom may think this relationship is still very young for that sort of informal communication between the two of you.
I think you might want to spend some time thinking about why you feel "neglected" by your boyfriend's family and what it is you seem to need from them.
posted by Area Man at 9:13 AM on August 23, 2013 [2 favorites]
I think you might want to spend some time thinking about why you feel "neglected" by your boyfriend's family and what it is you seem to need from them.
posted by Area Man at 9:13 AM on August 23, 2013 [2 favorites]
I agree with those who say that this seems to be part of a recurring issue with being unfamiliar (and extremely uncomfortable) with other people's space and boundaries. In this case, your boyfriend and his family seem to be enacting boundaries that seem quite normal and healthy to me, and yet they evidently trigger a sense of panic, confusion, or rejection in you. You will give yourself one of the greatest gifts of your life if you can commit to working through these fears of abandonment and your discomfort with not being in near-constant contact or receiving near-constant reassurance from others. Otherwise you risk continuing this cycle -- one that seems to make you very unhappy and drives others away -- throughout your life.
Good luck.
posted by scody at 9:14 AM on August 23, 2013 [8 favorites]
Good luck.
posted by scody at 9:14 AM on August 23, 2013 [8 favorites]
It's too early to be FBing his mother. Don't get upset about that. Not everyone is close with their family.
posted by Shrek77 at 9:16 AM on August 23, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Shrek77 at 9:16 AM on August 23, 2013 [1 favorite]
Three months of dating is way too soon for this level of familiarity in the social circles I run in (mid-late twenties urban creatives/professionals of varied ethnic backgrounds) but if you come from a more family oriented culture it could be reasonable.
I don't think this specific incident tells you anything about your boyfriend's character. "Emotionally unavailable" and "a jerk" is kind of a harsh assessment to put on someone who is willing to cut a visit short with family and drive to you so that you don't have to spend two hours in traffic.
It seems like you're struggling with trusting him with your feelings and trying to end the ambiguity by finding reasons to assume the worst of him. If there is anything I have learned from my history of assuming the worst, it's that giving people the benefit of the doubt is the thing that is likely to hurt you the least. Assuming the worst leads to so much drama and hurt that you're actually putting yourself in a worse position than the one you'd be in if you just assumed that he had your best interests in mind all along.
You don't have to call him names in order to justify the fact that you want something he might not be able to give you. You're not bad or crazy for wanting to have a close relationship with his family where the two of you always go to see them together. He's not bad or crazy for not wanting to always visit his family as a unit with you. You've only known him for a few months; you haven't really given your relationship enough time to develop. You really don't know him well enough yet to know what his deep seated reasons are for this. You're making a lot of assumptions about the way he thinks, assumptions that are pretty ungenerous and disrespectful.
Think carefully; where does this feeling that he doesn't merit the benefit of the doubt come from? If he really is the kind of person who would always exclude you from his family, you're not a good fit and you should break up with him. If you're simply assuming the worst because you just don't know yet, you're making it really hard to have a good relationship with him. People generally don't develop healthy relationships with people who treat them like they are bad people.
posted by rhythm and booze at 9:17 AM on August 23, 2013 [5 favorites]
I don't think this specific incident tells you anything about your boyfriend's character. "Emotionally unavailable" and "a jerk" is kind of a harsh assessment to put on someone who is willing to cut a visit short with family and drive to you so that you don't have to spend two hours in traffic.
It seems like you're struggling with trusting him with your feelings and trying to end the ambiguity by finding reasons to assume the worst of him. If there is anything I have learned from my history of assuming the worst, it's that giving people the benefit of the doubt is the thing that is likely to hurt you the least. Assuming the worst leads to so much drama and hurt that you're actually putting yourself in a worse position than the one you'd be in if you just assumed that he had your best interests in mind all along.
You don't have to call him names in order to justify the fact that you want something he might not be able to give you. You're not bad or crazy for wanting to have a close relationship with his family where the two of you always go to see them together. He's not bad or crazy for not wanting to always visit his family as a unit with you. You've only known him for a few months; you haven't really given your relationship enough time to develop. You really don't know him well enough yet to know what his deep seated reasons are for this. You're making a lot of assumptions about the way he thinks, assumptions that are pretty ungenerous and disrespectful.
Think carefully; where does this feeling that he doesn't merit the benefit of the doubt come from? If he really is the kind of person who would always exclude you from his family, you're not a good fit and you should break up with him. If you're simply assuming the worst because you just don't know yet, you're making it really hard to have a good relationship with him. People generally don't develop healthy relationships with people who treat them like they are bad people.
posted by rhythm and booze at 9:17 AM on August 23, 2013 [5 favorites]
From this question and your previous questions, it kinda sounds like you make your whole life about your boyfriends. After working all day, why would you want to drive 2 hours to spend time with your boyfriend's family instead of just heading home and seeing your guy when he gets back?
I would suggest that you perhaps look for ways that you can enjoy spending your time regardless of whether you're in the company of others. As well as nurturing your other relationships (friends, family).
A romantic relationship should be a big part of your life, but not your whole life.
posted by Asparagus at 9:22 AM on August 23, 2013 [4 favorites]
I would suggest that you perhaps look for ways that you can enjoy spending your time regardless of whether you're in the company of others. As well as nurturing your other relationships (friends, family).
A romantic relationship should be a big part of your life, but not your whole life.
posted by Asparagus at 9:22 AM on August 23, 2013 [4 favorites]
Without reading your previous questions and in addition to everything that everyone else has mentioned...
On a purely logistical level this would be an awful way to go about seeing his family. Think about it: you and he live in the same place, but you drive to his family's location separately, and will therefore have to go home in two cars. You're driving after work, arriving when you might be tired and he/they might have already spent a full day. Then you and he will sleep in the same room (right? at his family's house?) which depending on your age and everyone's cultural/religious/social expectations, might be awkward. Also, it sounds like the family, even if they did want to see you, wasn't planning on seeing you this time; they were planning on him visiting. I don't know, I'm making some assumptions but it just seems like the worst way to do this. As opposed to, say, a bit later you and he plan to go together for the afternoon to hang out with his family.
Which is to say I would not assume that his reason for disliking this plan has anything to do with keeping you away from his family.
posted by DestinationUnknown at 9:26 AM on August 23, 2013 [1 favorite]
On a purely logistical level this would be an awful way to go about seeing his family. Think about it: you and he live in the same place, but you drive to his family's location separately, and will therefore have to go home in two cars. You're driving after work, arriving when you might be tired and he/they might have already spent a full day. Then you and he will sleep in the same room (right? at his family's house?) which depending on your age and everyone's cultural/religious/social expectations, might be awkward. Also, it sounds like the family, even if they did want to see you, wasn't planning on seeing you this time; they were planning on him visiting. I don't know, I'm making some assumptions but it just seems like the worst way to do this. As opposed to, say, a bit later you and he plan to go together for the afternoon to hang out with his family.
Which is to say I would not assume that his reason for disliking this plan has anything to do with keeping you away from his family.
posted by DestinationUnknown at 9:26 AM on August 23, 2013 [1 favorite]
Does he wants to keep me far away from his family? He told me he likes me to spend time with his family but not all the time. That's exactly how he said it... not all the time. I feel hurt, what do you mean not all the time?
You answered the first question yourself. Does your boyfriend want to keep you far away from his family? No, not if he told you he likes you to spend time with his family. He just doesn't like it all the time. I'm not sure why you feel hurt by that. It's okay for your boyfriend to want time with his family without you along.
Honestly, your boyfriend doesn't sound like an emotionally unavailable jerk at all. He sounds like he's trying to maintain healthy boundaries in his life. You've only been dating for three months. You don't really have the right to demand to be included in every single one of his family get-togethers.
I don't think you have stupid expectations, but I do think that you have very unrealistic expectations. From this question, and your previous question about what I assume is the same boyfriend, it sounds like you are "fast forwarding" -- you've been together for an extremely short amount of time but you are trying to force a level of interaction that comes with knowing someone for much longer than three months and having a much deeper level of commitment. Basically, it sounds like you are trying to act like you are married to this guy and that you're a firm, cemented part of his family, and you're getting hurt and offended when he and his family don't treat you like his wife of many years.
What you said about being responsible for your own happiness is correct. It sounds very much as if you make your romantic relationships the focus of your life, which isn't terribly healthy if you have a tendency to get clingy and try to force a certain level of commitment way too quickly (talking about marriage, getting upset if you're not treated like a beloved daughter in law). Do you have other friends to spend time with, hobbies or activities that you're interested in? What about your own family? Do you have anything else in your life to focus on besides your boyfriend? Instead of being upset that he sometimes wants to see his family without you there, use that time as a chance to do your own thing. Visit a friend you haven't spent time with for a while. Watch a movie, read a book, do anything that isn't sitting at home stewing because you're upset at your boyfriend. That's going to make you cling to him even harder, and clinging is what's going to kill this relationship.
In short: develop your own life outside of your romantic relationships, instead of making those relationships the center of your universe, or this pattern is going to keep repeating.
posted by palomar at 9:42 AM on August 23, 2013 [3 favorites]
You answered the first question yourself. Does your boyfriend want to keep you far away from his family? No, not if he told you he likes you to spend time with his family. He just doesn't like it all the time. I'm not sure why you feel hurt by that. It's okay for your boyfriend to want time with his family without you along.
Honestly, your boyfriend doesn't sound like an emotionally unavailable jerk at all. He sounds like he's trying to maintain healthy boundaries in his life. You've only been dating for three months. You don't really have the right to demand to be included in every single one of his family get-togethers.
I don't think you have stupid expectations, but I do think that you have very unrealistic expectations. From this question, and your previous question about what I assume is the same boyfriend, it sounds like you are "fast forwarding" -- you've been together for an extremely short amount of time but you are trying to force a level of interaction that comes with knowing someone for much longer than three months and having a much deeper level of commitment. Basically, it sounds like you are trying to act like you are married to this guy and that you're a firm, cemented part of his family, and you're getting hurt and offended when he and his family don't treat you like his wife of many years.
What you said about being responsible for your own happiness is correct. It sounds very much as if you make your romantic relationships the focus of your life, which isn't terribly healthy if you have a tendency to get clingy and try to force a certain level of commitment way too quickly (talking about marriage, getting upset if you're not treated like a beloved daughter in law). Do you have other friends to spend time with, hobbies or activities that you're interested in? What about your own family? Do you have anything else in your life to focus on besides your boyfriend? Instead of being upset that he sometimes wants to see his family without you there, use that time as a chance to do your own thing. Visit a friend you haven't spent time with for a while. Watch a movie, read a book, do anything that isn't sitting at home stewing because you're upset at your boyfriend. That's going to make you cling to him even harder, and clinging is what's going to kill this relationship.
In short: develop your own life outside of your romantic relationships, instead of making those relationships the center of your universe, or this pattern is going to keep repeating.
posted by palomar at 9:42 AM on August 23, 2013 [3 favorites]
Shoot, I don't even Facebook text my OWN mom!
Ok, all joking aside, this sounds like a cultural disconnect. You are used to being close and enmeshed in your partner's family and he is used to having separate spheres of life. The latter is the norm in North American society, so yes, I would say your relationship expectations are too high.
"Norm" doesn't mean "right", though, so it's worth talking to your partner, without anger, about your different expectations and how you can meet in the middle.
posted by chainsofreedom at 9:50 AM on August 23, 2013
Ok, all joking aside, this sounds like a cultural disconnect. You are used to being close and enmeshed in your partner's family and he is used to having separate spheres of life. The latter is the norm in North American society, so yes, I would say your relationship expectations are too high.
"Norm" doesn't mean "right", though, so it's worth talking to your partner, without anger, about your different expectations and how you can meet in the middle.
posted by chainsofreedom at 9:50 AM on August 23, 2013
Response by poster: Well it can be a cultural difference!!! I am Romanian he is American. Different ideas and I am getting pressure of marriage from my parents. But is so good advice I get from you because you represent the American culture and what are the expectations here!
posted by barexamfreak at 10:12 AM on August 23, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by barexamfreak at 10:12 AM on August 23, 2013 [3 favorites]
Data point -- I would be very uncomfortable to have a girl I was dating be super close to my family after only a few months of dating. There needs to be a natural progression, and a lengthy period when you're "just a girlfriend." It is very unsexy, to me, and way too "domestic," for a girl to be closely involved with my family at that point. That would be a huge relationship killer if she were initiating contact with my family members so early.
posted by Unified Theory at 11:16 AM on August 23, 2013
posted by Unified Theory at 11:16 AM on August 23, 2013
Yep, agreeing with different cultural expectations. In my family, you pretty much bring someone home when you are signaling that you plan to marry them. My mom met my dad's family after they got married. We are talking years. So when my now husband-then boyfriend asked to meet my visiting parents after something like a month of dating, I seriously asked, "Why would you want to do that?"
Apparently in his family, (not American), you bring people around after like the first to second date. It just what you do. It was sort of surprising, and pleasant.
If you can, just try to enjoy your boyfriend, and give him time to decide when he wants you to meet his family. He isn't necessarily signaling something negative to you by not inviting you yet. But feel free to share that in your family it is different, just in case he's wondering why you are suggesting it.
posted by anitanita at 11:46 AM on August 23, 2013 [1 favorite]
Apparently in his family, (not American), you bring people around after like the first to second date. It just what you do. It was sort of surprising, and pleasant.
If you can, just try to enjoy your boyfriend, and give him time to decide when he wants you to meet his family. He isn't necessarily signaling something negative to you by not inviting you yet. But feel free to share that in your family it is different, just in case he's wondering why you are suggesting it.
posted by anitanita at 11:46 AM on August 23, 2013 [1 favorite]
I wanted to say two things:
1. I agree that your expectations are probably out of line with his and his family's. That doesn't make your expectations stupid--it just means they don't match with these people's expectations.
2. Please don't ignore rtha's comments above. This appears to be a pattern with your AskMe questions and really ought to prompt you to think about talking with a counselor or therapist about them.
posted by yellowcandy at 12:02 PM on August 23, 2013
1. I agree that your expectations are probably out of line with his and his family's. That doesn't make your expectations stupid--it just means they don't match with these people's expectations.
2. Please don't ignore rtha's comments above. This appears to be a pattern with your AskMe questions and really ought to prompt you to think about talking with a counselor or therapist about them.
posted by yellowcandy at 12:02 PM on August 23, 2013
He told me he likes me to spend time with his family but not all the time.
Translation: sometimes he wants to include you in the time he spends with his family. Sometimes, he wants to be with his family without you.
His family may also prefer to interact with him without you there every time. You're an outsider, and people have to be on their best behavior when outsiders visit. It's very tiring, and many families prefer not to get to know children's partners until the relationship is serious. Which it is not, at three months.
I am getting pressure of marriage from my parents
It's entirely possible that you have inherited your lack of boundaries from your parents and you need to disregard this kind of pressure from them as being really bad for you.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:22 PM on August 23, 2013 [2 favorites]
Translation: sometimes he wants to include you in the time he spends with his family. Sometimes, he wants to be with his family without you.
His family may also prefer to interact with him without you there every time. You're an outsider, and people have to be on their best behavior when outsiders visit. It's very tiring, and many families prefer not to get to know children's partners until the relationship is serious. Which it is not, at three months.
I am getting pressure of marriage from my parents
It's entirely possible that you have inherited your lack of boundaries from your parents and you need to disregard this kind of pressure from them as being really bad for you.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:22 PM on August 23, 2013 [2 favorites]
Yeah, I'm in a cross-cultural relationship now and the biggest advice I can give is not to make any assumptions, and be careful about reading too much in to things. Your expectations/assumptions about what actions mean are often going to be out of step and can lead to a lot of miscommunication.
The answer? Communication! If you're not sure what something means, ask and have a good discussion about how its done in each of your cultures. This is a double win: you understand what they are feeling/thinking, and you understand their culture better which will gradually reduce the occasional weirdness. Early on in my current relationship we had a lot of confusion until we agreed that any time we're not sure we will just talk openly about it.
I mean, thats good advice for any relationship I think. Its just that if you both come from the same culture, you can often figure things out without explicit communication in a way that you cant if you have very different ideas about how dating and relationships work.
posted by wildcrdj at 12:24 PM on August 23, 2013
The answer? Communication! If you're not sure what something means, ask and have a good discussion about how its done in each of your cultures. This is a double win: you understand what they are feeling/thinking, and you understand their culture better which will gradually reduce the occasional weirdness. Early on in my current relationship we had a lot of confusion until we agreed that any time we're not sure we will just talk openly about it.
I mean, thats good advice for any relationship I think. Its just that if you both come from the same culture, you can often figure things out without explicit communication in a way that you cant if you have very different ideas about how dating and relationships work.
posted by wildcrdj at 12:24 PM on August 23, 2013
On the therapy front: if you are in a place with a large Romanian community (or perhaps E. European diaspora in general?) maybe you could find a therapist who has some cultural context for your concerns? I mean, if your parents are expecting you to get married ASAP and their/your cultural norms do assume much more enmeshment, that's a factor in your situation - maybe you get a bit clingy, but that might involve different causes and factors, and have a different resolution, than it would if you'd grown up here. Maybe a therapist who was familiar with these concerns would be more helpful than someone who speaks from a solely US context? (That is, maybe you don't want to be this clingy and you want some help with dialing it back, but then maybe you don't want to 100% "Americanize" your approach either?)
posted by Frowner at 12:25 PM on August 23, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by Frowner at 12:25 PM on August 23, 2013 [2 favorites]
Echoing others: it is way, way too early in your relationship to be Facebook messaging his mom.
From my perspective, (I am American) it would be really strange if his family welcomed you and treated you like a member of the family immediately. It's been only three months, if i got attached to every person someone in my family has dated for three months, i would be setting myself up for disappointment when they broke up and i didnt get to see them again. You should be focusing on your relationship with your boyfriend, not his family.
posted by inertia at 4:25 PM on August 23, 2013
From my perspective, (I am American) it would be really strange if his family welcomed you and treated you like a member of the family immediately. It's been only three months, if i got attached to every person someone in my family has dated for three months, i would be setting myself up for disappointment when they broke up and i didnt get to see them again. You should be focusing on your relationship with your boyfriend, not his family.
posted by inertia at 4:25 PM on August 23, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by windykites at 8:27 AM on August 23, 2013 [38 favorites]