I don't want to cry, but I also don't want to have to not pay attention

August 15, 2013 11:03 AM

I am an epic ugly crier, and I cry incredibly easily. I have always been this way, and a lot of my family are the same way. We attribute it to my grandmother, who we always joked must have her tear ducts connected to her bladder. Happy things, sad things, frustration, excitement. Not pain for some reason, but just about any emotion will make me cry. When I really get going I hyperventillate, lose the ability to talk (relating to the hyperventilating I guess), my skin goes super blotchy, and man... it is just ugly. And it takes a long time to calm back down. Added bonus is that I usually top all this off with an epic cry headache afterwards. This is a problem because I am getting married in a month and I seriously don't want to be ugly crying my face off the entire time. As it stands I can't even READ the ceremony without getting teary. I have no idea how I am ever going to get through saying my vows.

Usually if I know things are going to make me cry and it is not a good time to allow myself to cry, I just don't pay attention and think about, I don't know, how long to cook spaghetti or something. If I can not look at whatever is causing the cry emotion, and if I can distract myself from whatever is going on, I can usually more or less keep it together. That would be tragic, though, because it is my wedding! I want to pay attention! I want to be present and soak all this in! But I also don't want to be a a weeping, hyperventillating, blotchy wreck.

Times when I am pretty positive I'm going to lose it:
1. The walk down the aisle
2. During a reading his mom is going to make
3. The vow exchange
4. the ring exchange
5. any speeches during the reception
6. during the speech I will be making

So what are some techniques to keep from crying that still allow you to enjoy and appreciate everything that is going on?

posted by PuppetMcSockerson to Grab Bag (40 answers total)

This might be an epically wrong suggestion (if it is someone will point it out), but half an Ativan or Xanax? Do an experiment with one, the other, or both, before the ceremony - take it and then watch or listen to something that is a thing that reliably makes you cry. Ativan's effect on me is not unconsciousness, but a kind of distancing of whatever can make me upset or nervous - someone around here once likened it to still noticing that the lions are stalking you, but they're farther away and you don't care as much; I'm still totally present, just less freak-outable. I say start with half a dose because everyone reacts to these things differently.
posted by rtha at 11:12 AM on August 15, 2013 [7 favorites]

I came in to suggest beta blockers - they don't change your mental state at all, but do dampen your physical fight-or-flight response.
posted by heyforfour at 11:20 AM on August 15, 2013 [4 favorites]

I don't have any suggestions for you but I'm really curious to see the responses because I was tearing up reading your vows question, and I'm not even getting married!
posted by carolr at 11:25 AM on August 15, 2013 [2 favorites]

oh god i'm the same way. i cry at EVERYTHING. something that might help you non-medication wise would be to keep reading the ceremony. read it every night. you'll cry, yeah, but eventually it could just become a Regular Thing and not a BIG THING TO CRY ABOUT, like a grocery list. sometimes when i feel more in control of things, like this is what will be said during the reading and then the rings will happen and people will say these things and so on, then it lessens the feels.
posted by kerning at 11:25 AM on August 15, 2013 [5 favorites]

Okay, so Xanax is one solution. Mindfulness meditation or some other kind of focusing technique is another option: if I feel tears coming on and don't want to cry, I focus as much as possible on my breathing, count down from ten. etc. Anything you can do to be as calm as possible before the ceremony (yoga, going for a run, extra therapy) could also help.

But even though it's not a direct answer to your question, I do want to say that you might also see if there's any wiggle room in your attitude towards the crying. If this is how you express emotion, your family and your fiance already know that about you, and probably find it pretty appealing/adorable/heart-rending. I was in my best friend's wedding a few years ago and by far her favorite photo of the event is of me getting all teary-eyed and wobbly-mouthed, and yes, I look RIDICULOUS. It's not exactly a photo I'd put on my wall. But it shows how I felt and that's what makes it meaningful. All the most memorable moments at the weddings I've been to, frankly, have involved someone crying. (Oh man, when my cousin got married to a Navy SEAL, and he teared up...I get teary just thinking about it)

I guarantee your happy-crying will not be ugly to your friends and family, is what I'm saying. And you won't be spending much time looking at yourself. Are you worried about wedding photos? If so, maybe you should make sure to have a bunch of pictures taken before the ceremony, with your makeup and hair and face all perfect, and that will free you up not to worry about getting melty at some point during the ceremony?
posted by pretentious illiterate at 11:27 AM on August 15, 2013 [11 favorites]

Best answer: I agree with suggestions for medications if you need them (although people react really differently - for me I feel chill with benzos, others get really sluggish, and if you're drinking a bit of champagne with the bridesmaids or whatever just before then REALLY be careful with benzos or really just don't).

I also think this is a good opportunity to practice meditation around this event. Get comfortable, close your eyes, picture each trigger event, and imagine it is actually happening. Tell yourself, "I am calm and relaxed, I am present and emotionally clear as I walk down the aisle," and then " I am calm and relaxed, I am present and emotionally clear as we exchange rings" and so on.

Or whatever script works for you, I'd just recommend not adding negative things to the script like "not crying".

I recommend Hypnotherapy for Dummies for some scripts for this. If the hypnotherapy part is too woo-y or offputting, just flip to the self hypnosis part for the type of self script writing I mentioned.

I know hypnosis is offputting for people but the self hypnosis bit in that book is really a lot like a guided meditation and the book lays it out pretty clearly (like Dummies books tend to do).
posted by sweetkid at 11:29 AM on August 15, 2013 [2 favorites]

Best answer: Or lots of practice ahead of time? Reading all the speaches aloud multiple times before the ceremony, for example.

Don't know if it works for you, but there's only so long I can cry for - so maybe having a nice good long release just long enough before the ceremony so that you can soak your face in warm water/lay with hot damp washcloth over it for a while, drink some water, take an ibuprofen, and then get all dressed up?

Third thing I can think of is practice, between now and then, other ways of controlling the fight or flight response if you're not up for the pharmaceutical options mentioned above - breathing exercises or something?

Also, congratulations:-)
posted by eviemath at 11:31 AM on August 15, 2013 [2 favorites]

I know how it is to have to force yourself not to pay attention to something that will probably make me cry, and it makes sense that you wouldn't want to be doing mental "la la la!" during your wedding ceremony. But maybe you can focus on something very present, like your groom, that isn't explicitly tear-jerky, like the words being said.
posted by aimedwander at 11:33 AM on August 15, 2013 [1 favorite]

I am looking at things from a different angle, but if you are worried about how you'll look in photos etc take the pretty photos before the wedding. It will mean the groom gets to see you in your dress etc before hand, but I know of a couple of people that have done things this way, they did it so their guests didn't have to hang around waiting at the reception, but you could get your "pretty" posed photos done at the church first, then hide out while everyone else gets there and then do the ceremony, and let the waterworks flow. Get photos of those too because happy crying rocks. Then between wedding and reception, nip off for a few minutes and wipe your face down with a wet cloth, redo make up, sip some water (or whatever you want to do) and get yourself together, if you can't cry on your wedding day when can you cry, and I don't know if I would have liked feeling that emotional separation that you get on drugs, on my wedding day.

If that's not what you are after, Beta Blockers rock. I have them for high blood pressure, the first doc that ever prescribed them too me told me how all the doctors he knew took them before big exams at Med school to calm nerves.
posted by wwax at 11:33 AM on August 15, 2013 [1 favorite]

I came in to quote myself in a previous answer to a similar question and say something like what kerning did above. Go over all of it in your head/aloud every day before the wedding and actively try to cry about it. (Not so much that you get a headache, though, because that sounds painful.) In a month you might be so used to it that it won't have such a huge effect on the actual day. I think trying not to cry will make it worse.
posted by DestinationUnknown at 11:36 AM on August 15, 2013

Can you plan in some comic relief as necessary? If it's not too formal a ceremony, you can restate your question as an endearing quirky story to share at the beginning of the ceremony, and have a funny friend prepare some (tasteful, of course) jokes, and then have some sort of signal for when you need a brief joke intermission?
posted by eviemath at 11:37 AM on August 15, 2013 [1 favorite]

For what it's worth, I had the exact same concern at my wedding and I ended up easily keeping it together until the speeches at dinner, by which point photos were taken and I was married so it didn't matter. The combination of excitement and happiness and fear ("don't trip don't trip don't trip") was totally enough to help me keep it together through the important bits.
posted by jess at 11:38 AM on August 15, 2013 [1 favorite]

Is it possible you could have a little distraction object (for lack of a better term) that you could tuck into your flowers or a pocket to focus on (even briefly) at certain times? This wouldn't work for when you have to speak, obviously, but it might help when others are speaking.

Example: I have definitely become more of a crier in recent years. A few months ago, I was watching a musician do an in-store performance, and -- for various reasons -- one song in particular was making me really choked up. Problem was, I was in the front row and he saw me starting to cry and it triggered him starting to cry. So because I needed to pull it together -- because the performance was really rare and was thus being filmed and OH GOD DON'T RUIN EVERYTHING SCODY -- I immediately glanced away from the stage and focused very intently on the least sentimental thing that my eye fell on: a poster of KISS. Gene Simmons has never calmed me down before, and I doubt he ever will again, but god bless him, this time he did the trick.

So what I am suggesting is that perhaps you could carry a KISS poster, or its much smaller equivalent.
posted by scody at 11:41 AM on August 15, 2013 [18 favorites]

Oh man, I don't have a good suggestion but have to advise that you be REALLY careful with any benzos, and to avoid them if you can. I took an Ativan (the least intense one, from what I understand) at a similarly celebratory function--took one pill, then had one glass of champagne, and ended up so drowsy that the night was shot. I think that would be a much worse outcome than ugly cry-face. If you decide to go this route please do a test run (probably more than one).
posted by lovableiago at 11:44 AM on August 15, 2013 [1 favorite]

This would be something you'd need to road test in other situations which make you prone to crying, but I wonder if "paradoxical intention" might be useful? That is where you deliberately "intend" the thing you're afraid of "happening" to you. The theory (and often, in fact, the practice) is that it breaks you out of the loop of "OMG, OMG, I'm going to cry, I know it, come on, hold it in, hold it in" which is, in fact, just a familiar precursor to crying. Instead you think "Oh, man, I'm really going to cry my eyes out here--come on, these will be the streamingest tears-and-snot rivulets the world has ever seen!!" and you find you've actually broken out of the normal cry-response cycle. It's a bit like how trying to stifle a laugh makes you laugh even harder while "trying" or "wanting" to laugh makes everything seem utterly humorless.

In any case, you should definitely have Dusty Springfield's "All Cried Out" played loud at the reception!
posted by yoink at 11:49 AM on August 15, 2013 [2 favorites]

Seconding lovableiago. I took half an Ativan before giving a wedding speech for exactly the reasons you listed in your question. Then after a very modest amount of celebratory alcohol consumption, I actually ended up having to go up to my room at the hotel to take a nap because I was so drowsy. My eyes were literally closing while sitting at the table post dinner. The night was shot for me, and the bride wasn't too happy about it either.

I like the suggestions of going over the ceremony and even your own speech many times before the actual wedding.
posted by ohmy at 11:50 AM on August 15, 2013

I would probably just have a glass of wine and hope for the best. You might be surprised - the whole experience of getting married was so surreal that I don't think I even felt any actual emotions during the ceremony. The whole thing passed in a weird blur.
posted by something something at 11:51 AM on August 15, 2013 [1 favorite]

Nthing the going over the ceremony many many times to try to take the trigger down a notch. I do this for songs that I have to sing in front of audiences, especially at weddings, and it does the trick.

I would also suggest doing these readings in front of a mirror, and just letting yourself cry. Part of the "ugly cry" is in your effort to hold it back. Perhaps it's not as bad as you think if you just let it out.

These are tears of joy, during one of the happiest days of your life. Whatever you may think, they will be beautiful to the rest of your family and friends.
posted by blurker at 11:55 AM on August 15, 2013 [5 favorites]

Oh, and congratulations!
posted by blurker at 11:55 AM on August 15, 2013 [1 favorite]

Have you ever tried breathing exercises? Breathe in for 4 or 5 seconds, hold it, breathe out, repeat. You can force your heart and everything else to slow down, and no one would think twice if you had to pause mid-vows to take some deep breaths. It really is helpful for me in high-stress/high-emotion moments.
posted by kavasa at 11:57 AM on August 15, 2013 [1 favorite]

Oh, yeah, I want to second blurker: if you do find yourself crying despite whatever tactics you adopt, you really shouldn't think of it as "OMG, I'm ruining the wedding." Everyone at the wedding will think it's adorable and half of them will probably cry along with you. "Perfect" weddings are pretty dull affairs. It's when real humanity breaks through that they become memorable and special.
posted by yoink at 12:00 PM on August 15, 2013

Clear your throat IMMEDIATELY once you start crying! I also ugly cry at everything and that does the trick for me every time.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 12:02 PM on August 15, 2013

I am a big cryer too and this was a huge worry of mine in the months leading up to my wedding. There was a line in our vows that made me tear up literally every single time I *thought* about it. I basically just bought waterproof mascara and made my peace with the fact that I was gonna weep like a baby for sure and ruin my makeup.

During the actual wedding? My eyes stayed totally dry. I was cool as a cucumber. I was so focused on what was going on and all the attention on me that I got through it without a stumble. My dad openly wept while toasting us and I didn't cry then either.

YMMV, obviously! But you might surprise yourself. And if you do cry I guarantee everyone will be so taken with how cute it is that you're crying that they won't even notice you're blotchy and dorky looking. I've been to dozens of weddings and one of the sweetest moments I've witnessed was when the bride started crying and set the groom off, and they both ended up bawling through half their vows. It was adorable.
posted by town of cats at 12:16 PM on August 15, 2013 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Not down for medicating. Reasonable suggestion, but I am on a very high dosage of antidepressants and I just don't want to be adding any more to my system.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 12:30 PM on August 15, 2013

Are you set on not seeing each other before the ceremony? If not, perhaps do the pictures beforehand, so that you can see each other all dressed up and at least not have that shock. Plus, get the pix in before the mascara starts to run.

Perhaps go to a professional makeup artist and get some tips for non-smear makeup, including a foundation that will cover the blotchy skin?

Have your Maid of Honor carry a hanky or two.
posted by Elly Vortex at 12:55 PM on August 15, 2013 [1 favorite]

I agree that the real trigger for the "ugly cry" is when you try not to cry. So, if you're gonna cry just let it go. Have a pretty hanky on hand -- maybe dabbed with a little mint oil or some scent that is freshening! -- and take deep breaths, let them out slowly. This isn't a performance review where you mustn't cry -- it's your wedding! Desensitize yourself to the material as much as possible. Get your cries out whenever you feel it leading up to the big day, then just proceed with confidence. You'll never be more surrounded with love and support than at your wedding. Congratulations!
posted by amanda at 1:00 PM on August 15, 2013

Nthing the "first look" concept where you take your couple and then group photos before the ceremony. For reasons mentioned here already, and because it'll be a sweet moment together. My husband and I both cried at our first look but it made the rest of the day, especially the ceremony, easier on both of us because we were together for most of the day. It may not be traditional but it will help.
posted by fantine at 1:03 PM on August 15, 2013 [2 favorites]

Are you getting your makeup professionally done for the wedding? I have seen some brides absolutely lose it, with minimal smudging. A good foundation and powder should help prevent the blotchiness from being noticeable.

While I understand everyone who is saying that it's part your emotions and to not worry about it--I too hyperventilate when I cry, and it's uncomfortable, it's hard if not impossible to talk, and it takes a long time to stop. It helps to focus on taking deep breaths when you feel it coming on. I'd probably ask some of my friends or family to be prepared to make stupid faces (or hold up a KISS poster) at me if I look at them to make me laugh.

If you do the whole "first look" thing, you should be the one who walks up to him. I think if you're the one standing there waiting for him to come up to you, the suspense might lead to more crying!
posted by inertia at 1:14 PM on August 15, 2013

Neither my wife nor I are criers, but we did the first look photos for purely logistical reasons. Getting all the "pretty" pictures out of the way first made for a very smooth wedding ceremony. Plus, having the makeup artist still around when she did start crying (beautifully), allowed for a quick touchup prior to the ceremony.
posted by bluejayway at 2:08 PM on August 15, 2013

Congratulations! I just got married on Saturday (did my own makeup, so I opted for waterproof mascara) and I'm a pretty ugly crier (very raccoon eyed and blotchy, red nose you name it). I held it in most of the time (though wobbled a little right before I walked-- distracting myself with things and biting the inside of my cheek to stop it) but it got the better of me and I was stuck mid-vows in tears-- fortunately looking at some candid photos later it wasn't as bad as I expected.

I'll just say that it's not bad to cry-- my family all said it added to the emotion. Just take a deep breath and allow yourself to laugh too-- my husband and one of our officiants had a few little jokes/asides in our ceremony which allowed me to relax a lot more. You'll have fun and never regret the tears, trust me!
posted by actionpact at 2:26 PM on August 15, 2013 [1 favorite]

If pain doesn't make you cry, maybe you could hold something in your hand that could give you a good pinch?
posted by grog at 2:29 PM on August 15, 2013

I'm sort of the same, and it's the weirdest thing, but drinking water (or anything) really helps. Not like it calms me down, but like it suppresses some sort of mechanism. I get choked up, and the action of swallowing unchokes me.
posted by 4bulafia at 3:07 PM on August 15, 2013

If it makes you feel any better, I'm a guy who cried from the moment I saw my wife walking down the aisle towards me, all the way through our ceremony, and then constantly through the speech I made later that night. It was a bit embarrassing at the time, but people tell me to this day they thought it was sweet and added to the emotion of the occasion.
posted by The Card Cheat at 3:34 PM on August 15, 2013 [1 favorite]

I am a sentimental old fool myself, but I think you will be fine. I didn't blubber at my son's wedding a bit. Wedding days are full of details and distractions and if you are anything like I was at my own, it is a surreal blur. A good blur, but a blur.

Congrats!
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 3:38 PM on August 15, 2013

Just cry and plan on taking something for the headache?

Have a bridesmaid or friend on hand to touch-up your makeup or use a cool, damn, silk hankie to tame the blotches?
posted by Lesser Shrew at 5:25 PM on August 15, 2013

I also cried - it's not unusual. I had waterproof makeup and tissues hidden in the bouquet.
posted by quercus23 at 6:29 PM on August 15, 2013

I would give myself a stern, even mean talking-to. Like, fergawdsake, these people didn't gather to see me act like a big baby, blubbering and snot on my nose. And keep in mind that you WANT to hear and speak those most special words to the one you love most. And when it gets too much, gnaw on the inside of your cheek a bit. I guess what I'm suggesting is to gear yourself over the next weeks into a steely-like state of mind. I had to give a eulogy last year and kept calm by telling myself in advance that hundreds of people have done this without sobbing and becoming inarticulate.
posted by Lornalulu at 7:17 PM on August 15, 2013 [1 favorite]

I also cry at everything. I sobbed at friends' weddings. Hell, I cry at TV sitcom weddings. I was absolutely positive I would cry at my own wedding. (My "preparations" amounted to waterproof mascara and taking photos before the ceremony.) Instead, my husband lost it during a reading that a friend was doing. Totally unexpected, and it surprised me right out of my tears. In fact, my "bridesman" had to pass his hanky to my bridesmaid, who then passed it to my MoH (his wife), who then passed it to me so I could pass it to my hubs. It was awkward and sweet and funny and one of my favorite memories of that day.

Yeah, so I guess I don't really have any advice from that story (have someone startle you! LOL, no). Except maybe this: try to remember that as long as you and your guy are married at the end of it all, the wedding was a success. Congratulations!
posted by mon-ma-tron at 7:21 PM on August 15, 2013 [2 favorites]

You're the bride right? You have a veil. Hide behind it. That's what I did.

My husband put his sunglasses on during the ceremony when he started crying.

So there we were both crying through the whole ceremony, him in the glasses and me behind the veil. Not a dry eye in the house, the crowd was all in sniffles. A beautiful wedding, they said. It was sweet.

If I can recommend anything it's air brush makeup, as it looked just fine after the ceremony. And did I mention the veil? We hid under there for the first dance too.
posted by crazycanuck at 8:48 PM on August 15, 2013

If you start crying, I really doubt that many of your loved ones are going to think, "Oh, Jesus, she looks like an idiot up there..." It's a wedding, a highly emotional event.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 11:10 PM on August 15, 2013