Keeping my cool in the face of an impending breakup
August 3, 2013 10:27 PM Subscribe
So my girlfriend had a talk with me. She's coming up on a major juncture in life and thinking about leaving the country. We've talked about it in the past, but she says she'd like to go alone. We'd been having issues prior to this, but that sounded to me like the death knell. We're still talking, and haven't broken up, but I'm angry and hurt. I don't usually think I have anger issues, but I can't stop dwelling on it. I need to stop, and let this go if it really is the end. Help. Snowflake details inside.
She's 9 years younger than I am, will be doing her senior year of college this year. This is China, she's local, and she's determined to leave. I have an established career I'm pretty sick of, but I'm not sure what else to do. For the last year or so the idea has been that I'll get some savings in the bank so we can go without being in debt or privation once she finds her footing and decides where she wants to go. I'm really honestly up for anything. I enjoy moving to a new country and learning the language, making new friends, and the idea of a career that doesn't involve so much rote brainwork is something I can't wait to explore.
She's the most patient, most caring person I've ever known. She's incredibly articulate about her feelings and her goals, and a lot of fun, smart, ambitious, works very hard, and gorgeous to boot. We've been together since late 2011.
I've been ready for the fact that she'd "grow up" and want more independence. You don't start seriously dating a 19-year old without assuming that she won't remain the same person. I've been the best boyfriend I know how to be, and where she's concerned, I've been very supportive, not needy, not demanding...and she's said she sees as much.
She says she doesn't want to be together because she doesn't want to be beholden to me, or to wake up one day loving me because of material things. I have a hard time giving that credence. I've always respected her independence, and made sure to tell her her accomplishments are hers. I can't stop myself thinking it's because I'm boring, or I broke too many promises, or there's some other guy (although that's never ever ever been an issue before), or whatever. The point is I can't stop blaming myself, can't chill out, can't wrap my head around a life without her. Especially today, when I have overtime!
I'm vacillating between tears and wanting to hit the wall. If it is my fault, I've apologized a lot, and tried to change my behavior to fix what is. I was an alcoholic hedonist for the year before I met her, and it was fun, but the reason I was was because I felt very directionless. I've cleaned myself up a lot since, and I'm basically more straight-and-narrow now than I've ever been. I intend to stay that way. We fought about my drinking all of two times. The first time, I quit for 6 months, the most recent time, I quit for good. THAT year was coming off a divorce I felt was...very unfair. It was doomed, but man what a crappy end. And I know some of this insecurity now is residual from that relationship. In that one, I was a dick. In this one, I've done much better, but nobody's perfect, and nobody knows better than I do how imperfect I can be.
If it's over, it's over, I understand that. I don't know if I should give up, or keep trying, or pour my heart out to her, or just shut up and let her come to me when she's ready. I need to calm down and settle in for the long slog back to a) secure singlehood, or b) rebuilding things with her and forming a vision of a future together that has both of us in it. What are the first steps I can take to doing that today, rather than panicking?
She's 9 years younger than I am, will be doing her senior year of college this year. This is China, she's local, and she's determined to leave. I have an established career I'm pretty sick of, but I'm not sure what else to do. For the last year or so the idea has been that I'll get some savings in the bank so we can go without being in debt or privation once she finds her footing and decides where she wants to go. I'm really honestly up for anything. I enjoy moving to a new country and learning the language, making new friends, and the idea of a career that doesn't involve so much rote brainwork is something I can't wait to explore.
She's the most patient, most caring person I've ever known. She's incredibly articulate about her feelings and her goals, and a lot of fun, smart, ambitious, works very hard, and gorgeous to boot. We've been together since late 2011.
I've been ready for the fact that she'd "grow up" and want more independence. You don't start seriously dating a 19-year old without assuming that she won't remain the same person. I've been the best boyfriend I know how to be, and where she's concerned, I've been very supportive, not needy, not demanding...and she's said she sees as much.
She says she doesn't want to be together because she doesn't want to be beholden to me, or to wake up one day loving me because of material things. I have a hard time giving that credence. I've always respected her independence, and made sure to tell her her accomplishments are hers. I can't stop myself thinking it's because I'm boring, or I broke too many promises, or there's some other guy (although that's never ever ever been an issue before), or whatever. The point is I can't stop blaming myself, can't chill out, can't wrap my head around a life without her. Especially today, when I have overtime!
I'm vacillating between tears and wanting to hit the wall. If it is my fault, I've apologized a lot, and tried to change my behavior to fix what is. I was an alcoholic hedonist for the year before I met her, and it was fun, but the reason I was was because I felt very directionless. I've cleaned myself up a lot since, and I'm basically more straight-and-narrow now than I've ever been. I intend to stay that way. We fought about my drinking all of two times. The first time, I quit for 6 months, the most recent time, I quit for good. THAT year was coming off a divorce I felt was...very unfair. It was doomed, but man what a crappy end. And I know some of this insecurity now is residual from that relationship. In that one, I was a dick. In this one, I've done much better, but nobody's perfect, and nobody knows better than I do how imperfect I can be.
If it's over, it's over, I understand that. I don't know if I should give up, or keep trying, or pour my heart out to her, or just shut up and let her come to me when she's ready. I need to calm down and settle in for the long slog back to a) secure singlehood, or b) rebuilding things with her and forming a vision of a future together that has both of us in it. What are the first steps I can take to doing that today, rather than panicking?
I think anger+hurt is basically your feelings of loss, which is not unreasonable. Just try not to let those feelings leak onto your sweetie, remember and be glad of the wonderful times and give her the grace of your maturity.
posted by anadem at 10:47 PM on August 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by anadem at 10:47 PM on August 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
Dude .. its over. Accepting it is the first step.
Next step: Move on .. Ways to move on? find a new city, new job, new hobby, new friends ... find something new to do.
And yes it will hurt for sometime and it will be difficult but gotta move on.
She might come back or not .. your moping around will not change that, so be strong, take it on the chin, and ignore the longing to stay together.
Give her the freedom and a dignified goodbye and she might come back but if you decide to prolong it, its guaranteed that she wont.
So ... take a week off, go for a small vacation/trek (if you are a loner) or go for a road trip with friends and then ..... MOVE ON!.
posted by TheLittlePrince at 10:51 PM on August 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
Next step: Move on .. Ways to move on? find a new city, new job, new hobby, new friends ... find something new to do.
And yes it will hurt for sometime and it will be difficult but gotta move on.
She might come back or not .. your moping around will not change that, so be strong, take it on the chin, and ignore the longing to stay together.
Give her the freedom and a dignified goodbye and she might come back but if you decide to prolong it, its guaranteed that she wont.
So ... take a week off, go for a small vacation/trek (if you are a loner) or go for a road trip with friends and then ..... MOVE ON!.
posted by TheLittlePrince at 10:51 PM on August 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
Let her go. She doesn't see you with the same perspective that you see her. The benefit of youth is certainty. The benefit of age is perspective.
So she doesn't get why she should value what she has with you as highly as you do. Ok. Take that as information.
A day may come in which she sees what she let go but that day will not come if you hold on too hard or push her. But bear in mind how highly you regard her. If she's really thst great, she will grow up and return to you.
But don't wait. Move on. And hope for the best with whatever.
Take good care.
posted by janey47 at 10:58 PM on August 3, 2013 [3 favorites]
So she doesn't get why she should value what she has with you as highly as you do. Ok. Take that as information.
A day may come in which she sees what she let go but that day will not come if you hold on too hard or push her. But bear in mind how highly you regard her. If she's really thst great, she will grow up and return to you.
But don't wait. Move on. And hope for the best with whatever.
Take good care.
posted by janey47 at 10:58 PM on August 3, 2013 [3 favorites]
Being in a relationship involves compromises. Good ones, because you care about the other person. But still, even in a wonderful relationship, hundreds of little compromises because you are a couple and not just a single person. Which means that even if you did a phenomenal job of being a respectful boyfriend, it is not the same as only having to think of yourself. At her age, she wants space to find out who she is as an adult and if that is what she wants, she will need to break up, no matter how wonderful you are.
If you haven't done so already, certainly tell her honestly how much you care about her, how much you want to figure out how to make this relationship work. But if you did that and she said, "no" then the next step is to figure out how to unwind this relationship and begin planning for the next stage of your life.
It sound like you are ready to move on (with her or without her). Start thinking about where you would like to live, what kind of work you would like to do. You were ready to let her decide where to go next. Now you get to decide for yourself. Take it as a gift.
Also, new heartbreak always stirs up old heartbreak. What do you need to do to hold on to all of the gains that you made while you were in the relationship. This was a unique, special relationship - feeling grief that it is coming to an end it is natural (it was good, you don't want it to end, it has to end, that hurts - true and natural and deserving of respect) But don't let the grief become self-destructive and ruin the new, better you that you have become. If it helps, think of the gifts you received from being with her - the new, sober, more mature, more loving you that you have become. That can be a permanent legacy of your time together. Treasure that and make sure you do what you need to do to not let THAT self become a casualty of the break-up.
posted by metahawk at 11:12 PM on August 3, 2013 [11 favorites]
If you haven't done so already, certainly tell her honestly how much you care about her, how much you want to figure out how to make this relationship work. But if you did that and she said, "no" then the next step is to figure out how to unwind this relationship and begin planning for the next stage of your life.
It sound like you are ready to move on (with her or without her). Start thinking about where you would like to live, what kind of work you would like to do. You were ready to let her decide where to go next. Now you get to decide for yourself. Take it as a gift.
Also, new heartbreak always stirs up old heartbreak. What do you need to do to hold on to all of the gains that you made while you were in the relationship. This was a unique, special relationship - feeling grief that it is coming to an end it is natural (it was good, you don't want it to end, it has to end, that hurts - true and natural and deserving of respect) But don't let the grief become self-destructive and ruin the new, better you that you have become. If it helps, think of the gifts you received from being with her - the new, sober, more mature, more loving you that you have become. That can be a permanent legacy of your time together. Treasure that and make sure you do what you need to do to not let THAT self become a casualty of the break-up.
posted by metahawk at 11:12 PM on August 3, 2013 [11 favorites]
She says she doesn't want to be together because she doesn't want to be beholden to me, or to wake up one day loving me because of material things.
i.e. "It's not you, it's me."
This sounds like the sort of thing you say to someone you care about and don't want to upset when you're breaking up with them. What do these phrases even mean? - if she doesn't want to be beholden to you, she doesn't have to be, this is just an excuse.
The problem with a break-up approach like this is that it isn't straightforward and honest enough, and it doesn't work because breakups are usually brutal no matter how you try to cushion the blow. She's trying to let you down easy, and it's making you think you still have a shot. She might be doing this because she is young and hasn't learned how to express herself in a more forthright manner yet - when I was a younger woman I had a lot of trouble with this too, which is why it looks familiar to me. I think you should accept it with grace and move on (although of course you are going to grieve over this relationship first, since it sounds like it's been good in many ways).
posted by treehorn+bunny at 11:12 PM on August 3, 2013 [13 favorites]
i.e. "It's not you, it's me."
This sounds like the sort of thing you say to someone you care about and don't want to upset when you're breaking up with them. What do these phrases even mean? - if she doesn't want to be beholden to you, she doesn't have to be, this is just an excuse.
The problem with a break-up approach like this is that it isn't straightforward and honest enough, and it doesn't work because breakups are usually brutal no matter how you try to cushion the blow. She's trying to let you down easy, and it's making you think you still have a shot. She might be doing this because she is young and hasn't learned how to express herself in a more forthright manner yet - when I was a younger woman I had a lot of trouble with this too, which is why it looks familiar to me. I think you should accept it with grace and move on (although of course you are going to grieve over this relationship first, since it sounds like it's been good in many ways).
posted by treehorn+bunny at 11:12 PM on August 3, 2013 [13 favorites]
She says she doesn't want to be together because she doesn't want to be beholden to me, or to wake up one day loving me because of material things. I have a hard time giving that credence.
I have a hard time giving that credence, too; unfortunately, that doesn't mean it's not over. It just means that she's doing what kind, decent people often do when they're breaking up and want to minimize the hurt: she's giving you a version of 'it's not you, it's me'.
I don't know if I should give up, or keep trying, or pour my heart out to her, or just shut up and let her come to me when she's ready.
The last one - minus any expectations of her 'coming to you', ever. (She might, but it's unlikely, and waiting for it to happen is going to mess with your head.) Your first two options are not realistic. She has made a decision. There is no ongoing debate or struggle, so there is nothing to 'give up' on, and nothing to 'try'. If you want to 'pour your heart' out, I suggest something as non-intrusive as possible, such as a letter or email*. There's nothing wrong with that, per se, but don't expect it to change her mind. (*I also suggest burning/deleting the first few attempts. Trust me on this.)
One of the very hardest things about being broken up with is accepting that you have no power. You really don't. When we feel horrible and panicky about something, our usual human response is to cast about wildly for something to do that might help. There is nothing you can do to change this, and a lot you can do to make it quite a lot worse (for both of you).
You're going to get lots of ideas in this thread about how to keep yourself occupied so that the urge to push the issue goes away. Please follow them. I really feel for you, and wish you the best.
posted by Salamander at 11:13 PM on August 3, 2013 [8 favorites]
I have a hard time giving that credence, too; unfortunately, that doesn't mean it's not over. It just means that she's doing what kind, decent people often do when they're breaking up and want to minimize the hurt: she's giving you a version of 'it's not you, it's me'.
I don't know if I should give up, or keep trying, or pour my heart out to her, or just shut up and let her come to me when she's ready.
The last one - minus any expectations of her 'coming to you', ever. (She might, but it's unlikely, and waiting for it to happen is going to mess with your head.) Your first two options are not realistic. She has made a decision. There is no ongoing debate or struggle, so there is nothing to 'give up' on, and nothing to 'try'. If you want to 'pour your heart' out, I suggest something as non-intrusive as possible, such as a letter or email*. There's nothing wrong with that, per se, but don't expect it to change her mind. (*I also suggest burning/deleting the first few attempts. Trust me on this.)
One of the very hardest things about being broken up with is accepting that you have no power. You really don't. When we feel horrible and panicky about something, our usual human response is to cast about wildly for something to do that might help. There is nothing you can do to change this, and a lot you can do to make it quite a lot worse (for both of you).
You're going to get lots of ideas in this thread about how to keep yourself occupied so that the urge to push the issue goes away. Please follow them. I really feel for you, and wish you the best.
posted by Salamander at 11:13 PM on August 3, 2013 [8 favorites]
(Posted before I saw treehorn+bunny's answer - snap!)
posted by Salamander at 11:14 PM on August 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Salamander at 11:14 PM on August 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
Time. Time will work its wonders. You'll never stop missing her, so maybe try to at least keep track of her & check in every few years or so, as an old friend. Don't attemt to re-kindle, just check in, because losing people completely sucks-- unless she says no, then don't even do that.
Let her go, let it hurt, and let time do its slow work.
posted by Devils Rancher at 11:59 PM on August 3, 2013 [2 favorites]
Let her go, let it hurt, and let time do its slow work.
posted by Devils Rancher at 11:59 PM on August 3, 2013 [2 favorites]
When your partner wants out of your relationship you've just got to let them go. There's nothing else for it.
Be kind to her, and kind to yourself. Grieve and move on.
posted by Pudhoho at 12:22 AM on August 4, 2013 [5 favorites]
Be kind to her, and kind to yourself. Grieve and move on.
posted by Pudhoho at 12:22 AM on August 4, 2013 [5 favorites]
The best gift you can give, to her and to yourself, is to let her go with grace.
It sounds like it's been a good relationship. Breakups suck, and the only satisfaction one ever gets is that of being the bigger person.
That's not to say "don't be honest about your feelings"; definitely do. But you will have to start nerving yourself up for the point where you tell her she was a great girlfriend, give her a hug and let her go.
posted by Pallas Athena at 1:31 AM on August 4, 2013 [1 favorite]
It sounds like it's been a good relationship. Breakups suck, and the only satisfaction one ever gets is that of being the bigger person.
That's not to say "don't be honest about your feelings"; definitely do. But you will have to start nerving yourself up for the point where you tell her she was a great girlfriend, give her a hug and let her go.
posted by Pallas Athena at 1:31 AM on August 4, 2013 [1 favorite]
Just understand that there's nothing you could have done, or said, differently that would change the outcome of today. So don't go back scrutinizing every interaction or personality flaw of yours, and beating yourself up for it. So you were a dick in your past relationship; oh well, the baggage of that is not the baggage of this. And for all her great points, I'm sure she's flawed too. There is no, 'if only I'd been better! She'd still want me!' That's not how it works. I can tell you that if I truly loved somebody, the situation you describe wouldn't have been a dealbreaker, even if there had been a couple of issues-- or even if I had the urge to explore, I'd find a way to make it work, if I wanted it to work.
She doesn't want it to work. And you know that. And yeah, it sucks. I'm sorry. She's being kind because as you said, she's patient and caring and doesn't want to string you along. But the kind ones always accidentally give a little false hope.
Let's say she is undecided; you could force her to stay, or follow her-- even hang in stasis for her while she establishes herself elsewhere. Eventually, she'll start to resent you for it, though. Something else will catch her eye and she'll leave then, instead of now.
Believe me. It hurts like a bitch, but sooner is way better than later.
I agree with what Janey said. The amazing ones don't slip away, never to return. It really is a case of, "if you love someone, set them free," too.
But no, don't wait for her-- don't take it personally. She's at an age where she just wants to get out there and live, and unfortunately, your heart hits the fallout of that decision. What do you do? Personally, I think there's no 'one day' -- so don't hang onto that. I think that when someone wants to break away so strongly, there's little hope of love finding a way. In my opinion, no contact for a while would be best for your sanity.
She may well regret her decision, she may well come back, but do you want somebody that chose exploration over you, or who feels that she doesn't want to be around you because she's worried she'll feel beholden, or want you for material reasons? It sounds like a line, to me. To you, too.
I would say you need to calm down and slip into secure singlehood. How do you do that? The same way you did it after your failed marriage. You keep busy, you keep distracted, you hang out with friends, get a new hobby, be kind to yourself, and after a while, you won't think of them every single day. After a while, you'll notice someone else you want to kinda snuggle, who wants to do it back... and you'll not see this the same way you do today.
It'll be okay, so hang in there.
posted by Dimes at 1:40 AM on August 4, 2013 [4 favorites]
She doesn't want it to work. And you know that. And yeah, it sucks. I'm sorry. She's being kind because as you said, she's patient and caring and doesn't want to string you along. But the kind ones always accidentally give a little false hope.
Let's say she is undecided; you could force her to stay, or follow her-- even hang in stasis for her while she establishes herself elsewhere. Eventually, she'll start to resent you for it, though. Something else will catch her eye and she'll leave then, instead of now.
Believe me. It hurts like a bitch, but sooner is way better than later.
I agree with what Janey said. The amazing ones don't slip away, never to return. It really is a case of, "if you love someone, set them free," too.
But no, don't wait for her-- don't take it personally. She's at an age where she just wants to get out there and live, and unfortunately, your heart hits the fallout of that decision. What do you do? Personally, I think there's no 'one day' -- so don't hang onto that. I think that when someone wants to break away so strongly, there's little hope of love finding a way. In my opinion, no contact for a while would be best for your sanity.
She may well regret her decision, she may well come back, but do you want somebody that chose exploration over you, or who feels that she doesn't want to be around you because she's worried she'll feel beholden, or want you for material reasons? It sounds like a line, to me. To you, too.
I would say you need to calm down and slip into secure singlehood. How do you do that? The same way you did it after your failed marriage. You keep busy, you keep distracted, you hang out with friends, get a new hobby, be kind to yourself, and after a while, you won't think of them every single day. After a while, you'll notice someone else you want to kinda snuggle, who wants to do it back... and you'll not see this the same way you do today.
It'll be okay, so hang in there.
posted by Dimes at 1:40 AM on August 4, 2013 [4 favorites]
Let her go. Wish her well. And here's a song for you: Wild World
posted by Mister Bijou at 3:32 AM on August 4, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Mister Bijou at 3:32 AM on August 4, 2013 [1 favorite]
She says she doesn't want to be together because she doesn't want to be beholden to me, or to wake up one day loving me because of material things. I have a hard time giving that credence.
Has she been dishonest in the past? Why would you not take her at her word, especially as you say "she is incredibly articulate about her feelings and her goals" and that she's said she wants to leave the country on her own?
She's about to graduate from college, she wants to see what she's capable of. It makes absolute sense that she doesn't want to be beholden to someone else. As others have said, she's breaking up with you kindly. You are correct to call it an "impending breakup." Your not giving her explanation credence stopped the breakup in its tracks; accepting it for what it was would have allowed that conversation to end with a graceful breakup. Instead you're holding out for a better explanation from her and the breakup is still in limbo...and will likely go down with more drama in the next round. She's not moving on because you're boring or there's another guy, she's breaking up because the path she's choosing at the "major juncture in her life" is a solo path.
Also I am confused. You say you're 9 years older and that she was 19 when you started dating in late 2011. That would make her 20-21 and you 29-30. But your profile says you're 38. What's the true age difference?
posted by headnsouth at 4:31 AM on August 4, 2013 [3 favorites]
Has she been dishonest in the past? Why would you not take her at her word, especially as you say "she is incredibly articulate about her feelings and her goals" and that she's said she wants to leave the country on her own?
She's about to graduate from college, she wants to see what she's capable of. It makes absolute sense that she doesn't want to be beholden to someone else. As others have said, she's breaking up with you kindly. You are correct to call it an "impending breakup." Your not giving her explanation credence stopped the breakup in its tracks; accepting it for what it was would have allowed that conversation to end with a graceful breakup. Instead you're holding out for a better explanation from her and the breakup is still in limbo...and will likely go down with more drama in the next round. She's not moving on because you're boring or there's another guy, she's breaking up because the path she's choosing at the "major juncture in her life" is a solo path.
Also I am confused. You say you're 9 years older and that she was 19 when you started dating in late 2011. That would make her 20-21 and you 29-30. But your profile says you're 38. What's the true age difference?
posted by headnsouth at 4:31 AM on August 4, 2013 [3 favorites]
Re the OP's age, several of his previous questions reference him as being in his 20s. In Southern China, 3,8 (san ba) is slang for idiot. Note he put that under "gender." It's a character confusion/resemblance joke. Good for texts.
posted by carmicha at 6:10 AM on August 4, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by carmicha at 6:10 AM on August 4, 2013 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: I'm 29 years of age, she's 21. Gender: 38 works like this - international women's day is March 8th, and it's also slang for "woman". I put that there years ago, I think after a few friends began calling me such for knowing lots of gossip about people.
posted by saysthis at 7:14 AM on August 4, 2013
posted by saysthis at 7:14 AM on August 4, 2013
An ambitious 21-year-old that's constantly getting better at things cannot help but want to explore other possibilities even if she has the perfect boyfriend at the moment, especially if it's her first serious adult relationship.
So, chalk it up to an act of nature. Don't blame yourself. Treat it as if an earthquake wrecked your house; sucks, but nothing about you makes that likely to happen to your next house (provided you move). Take it as permission to explore what you want to explore; e.g. moving to new country, making new friends, and getting yourself a better career.
posted by ignignokt at 7:47 AM on August 4, 2013
So, chalk it up to an act of nature. Don't blame yourself. Treat it as if an earthquake wrecked your house; sucks, but nothing about you makes that likely to happen to your next house (provided you move). Take it as permission to explore what you want to explore; e.g. moving to new country, making new friends, and getting yourself a better career.
posted by ignignokt at 7:47 AM on August 4, 2013
It kind of sounds like you're still directionless, you just gave up alcoholism and she's become a real anchor in your life.
Maybe you can follow her example and keep on trying to make your own direction.
Of course it's awful to lose someone you love. All your feelings are valid, but now that she's breaking up with you, they're not her problem or her business. See if you can find some other friends or support for processing.
posted by Salamandrous at 8:46 AM on August 4, 2013
Maybe you can follow her example and keep on trying to make your own direction.
Of course it's awful to lose someone you love. All your feelings are valid, but now that she's breaking up with you, they're not her problem or her business. See if you can find some other friends or support for processing.
posted by Salamandrous at 8:46 AM on August 4, 2013
it's nothing that you have done. she has just outgrown you and that is just a fact of life. let her go, dude.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 9:20 AM on August 4, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 9:20 AM on August 4, 2013 [2 favorites]
Even if you had the best relationship in the world, it's normal and healthy for a 21-year-old to want to go in their own direction, independently. Let her go, allow yourself time to grieve and heal, and don't blame yourself for a minute. Some relationships just end, without anything being wrong.
It sounds like being in a relationship with her has really inspired you to grow and make progress in your own life. The best relationships teach us how to be better people for ourselves, not just our present or future partners. Honor yourself and the memory of your relationship by continuing to be good to yourself.
posted by Metroid Baby at 9:45 AM on August 4, 2013 [2 favorites]
It sounds like being in a relationship with her has really inspired you to grow and make progress in your own life. The best relationships teach us how to be better people for ourselves, not just our present or future partners. Honor yourself and the memory of your relationship by continuing to be good to yourself.
posted by Metroid Baby at 9:45 AM on August 4, 2013 [2 favorites]
Nth-ing that it's probably nothing you "did," she just wants to start the next chapter of her life solo. She's 21 and graduating. Ambitious 21 year olds tend to want freedom and options.
Tell her how great it's been to have her in your life and that you're going to miss her, wish her well and treasure your memories. You're young too - don't worry, another great girl will come along, and you will better positioned to be happy with her because of the growth you've experienced in your last relationship. Good luck.
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:52 AM on August 4, 2013 [1 favorite]
Tell her how great it's been to have her in your life and that you're going to miss her, wish her well and treasure your memories. You're young too - don't worry, another great girl will come along, and you will better positioned to be happy with her because of the growth you've experienced in your last relationship. Good luck.
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:52 AM on August 4, 2013 [1 favorite]
If it is my fault, I've apologized a lot, and tried to change my behavior to fix what is.
Tried to fix your behaviour to fix what? It doesn't sound like you've done anything; it sounds like the person you started dating when she was a teenager is ready to move on, She's given you a very kind version of "it's not you, it's me" and it sounds like it really is her, so that's legit.
I have a hard time giving that credence.
Really? Because I don't think anyone else in this thread does. She's 21; she wants to fly, and she wants to do that without any ties.
posted by DarlingBri at 10:36 AM on August 4, 2013 [2 favorites]
Tried to fix your behaviour to fix what? It doesn't sound like you've done anything; it sounds like the person you started dating when she was a teenager is ready to move on, She's given you a very kind version of "it's not you, it's me" and it sounds like it really is her, so that's legit.
I have a hard time giving that credence.
Really? Because I don't think anyone else in this thread does. She's 21; she wants to fly, and she wants to do that without any ties.
posted by DarlingBri at 10:36 AM on August 4, 2013 [2 favorites]
You don't start seriously dating a 19-year old without assuming that she won't remain the same person.
She says she doesn't want to be together because she doesn't want to be beholden to me, or to wake up one day loving me because of material things. I have a hard time giving that credence.
(Am I the only one who thinks the OP wasn't talking about credence with respect to the age/growing up?)
This isn't about logic, you know that right? As some of the posters here seem to be suggesting.
And whatever it is really about, it doesn't actually matter because we cannot be with someone who does not want to be with us. It seems you know this part quite well.
If it's over, it's over, I understand that. I don't know if I should give up, or keep trying, or pour my heart out to her, or just shut up and let her come to me when she's ready.
Do you really want to be with someone who has to be persuaded to be with you? It seems that you might have already had a talk after her breakup talk, and you probably do know in your heart where the next one will lead. It is certainly time to keep your dignity and start taking care of yourself irrespective of where or how things go.
I need to calm down and settle in for the long slog back to a) secure singlehood, or b) rebuilding things with her and forming a vision of a future together that has both of us in it. What are the first steps I can take to doing that today, rather than panicking?
You can admit to yourself that you don't need the answer to this before bed tonight. And whether you get it tomorrow or not, you always were and will be fine. We are never that dependent on others emotionally unless we believe we are or make ourselves to be. And if we fall, we can get up or learn how to get up. It just takes giving yourself time, patience and compassion.
posted by xm at 12:12 PM on August 4, 2013
She says she doesn't want to be together because she doesn't want to be beholden to me, or to wake up one day loving me because of material things. I have a hard time giving that credence.
(Am I the only one who thinks the OP wasn't talking about credence with respect to the age/growing up?)
This isn't about logic, you know that right? As some of the posters here seem to be suggesting.
And whatever it is really about, it doesn't actually matter because we cannot be with someone who does not want to be with us. It seems you know this part quite well.
If it's over, it's over, I understand that. I don't know if I should give up, or keep trying, or pour my heart out to her, or just shut up and let her come to me when she's ready.
Do you really want to be with someone who has to be persuaded to be with you? It seems that you might have already had a talk after her breakup talk, and you probably do know in your heart where the next one will lead. It is certainly time to keep your dignity and start taking care of yourself irrespective of where or how things go.
I need to calm down and settle in for the long slog back to a) secure singlehood, or b) rebuilding things with her and forming a vision of a future together that has both of us in it. What are the first steps I can take to doing that today, rather than panicking?
You can admit to yourself that you don't need the answer to this before bed tonight. And whether you get it tomorrow or not, you always were and will be fine. We are never that dependent on others emotionally unless we believe we are or make ourselves to be. And if we fall, we can get up or learn how to get up. It just takes giving yourself time, patience and compassion.
posted by xm at 12:12 PM on August 4, 2013
Response by poster: She says she doesn't want to be together because she doesn't want to be beholden to me, or to wake up one day loving me because of material things. I have a hard time giving that credence.
I'm seeing a lot questions about this line, so I think I should clarify. By I mean I have a hard time giving that credence because it seems like a small reason to break up, the kind of thing it would be fairly easy to get over, if we wanted it to work. That's not meant to assign any blame to her, it just feels like coating for something far larger underneath. And I may even be right, but the answers here...
I understand I'll have to let her go. I'm a little saner than I was this morning. I have to do the right thing at some point, and I will. Call it "letting her go", call it "giving her space", call it "time to think" (all terms I hear as I talk to friends about this), she deserves, and has asked for, the chance to figure out what she's capable of by herself. More than that, I need to give it to her, for my own self-respect. Thank you all for the reality check.
posted by saysthis at 12:59 PM on August 4, 2013 [2 favorites]
I'm seeing a lot questions about this line, so I think I should clarify. By I mean I have a hard time giving that credence because it seems like a small reason to break up, the kind of thing it would be fairly easy to get over, if we wanted it to work. That's not meant to assign any blame to her, it just feels like coating for something far larger underneath. And I may even be right, but the answers here...
I understand I'll have to let her go. I'm a little saner than I was this morning. I have to do the right thing at some point, and I will. Call it "letting her go", call it "giving her space", call it "time to think" (all terms I hear as I talk to friends about this), she deserves, and has asked for, the chance to figure out what she's capable of by herself. More than that, I need to give it to her, for my own self-respect. Thank you all for the reality check.
posted by saysthis at 12:59 PM on August 4, 2013 [2 favorites]
I broke up with my many-year girlfriend at the age of 21 because I did not want to settle down forever with my first real relationship without knowing what else was out there and what else I could do/try/be.
That said, there were also some deeper underlying issues in that breakup on my end. Even though we had a super great relationship, deep down I knew she wasn't the One. I knew it then, and I know it even more now that I'm married. I felt incredibly guilty at the time to be breaking her heart and giving up on what was certainly a good thing, but I knew I wasn't ready to settle, and I never would be, with her.
I think part of your healing process will be to internalize that she has likely had the same realization about you.
Even though she almost certainly loves you, she's not looking to devote the rest of her life to the two of you. Love her back. Respect that. Mourn. And let her go.
I'm sorry for your loss, and I wish you the best in growing, healing, and moving on.
posted by hamandcheese at 1:14 PM on August 4, 2013 [2 favorites]
That said, there were also some deeper underlying issues in that breakup on my end. Even though we had a super great relationship, deep down I knew she wasn't the One. I knew it then, and I know it even more now that I'm married. I felt incredibly guilty at the time to be breaking her heart and giving up on what was certainly a good thing, but I knew I wasn't ready to settle, and I never would be, with her.
I think part of your healing process will be to internalize that she has likely had the same realization about you.
Even though she almost certainly loves you, she's not looking to devote the rest of her life to the two of you. Love her back. Respect that. Mourn. And let her go.
I'm sorry for your loss, and I wish you the best in growing, healing, and moving on.
posted by hamandcheese at 1:14 PM on August 4, 2013 [2 favorites]
More than that, I need to give it to her, for my own self-respect.
Yes. Acting with self-respect and integrity is a powerful consolation.
posted by metahawk at 1:28 PM on August 4, 2013 [1 favorite]
Yes. Acting with self-respect and integrity is a powerful consolation.
posted by metahawk at 1:28 PM on August 4, 2013 [1 favorite]
Lots of people breakup when they graduate - this is an actual thing. And they do it because:
She's coming up on a major juncture in life
She says she doesn't want to be together because she doesn't want to be beholden to me, or to wake up one day loving me because of material things.
This would make more sense to you as being a timing thing if you were graduating too. But because you're going through a different time in your life, it's harder to understand. Where you're at, your life is more about partnership; where she's at, her life is more about her.
Wish her the absolute best in everything she's going to do. That's how to love someone who has to go away.
posted by heyjude at 2:21 PM on August 4, 2013 [1 favorite]
She's coming up on a major juncture in life
She says she doesn't want to be together because she doesn't want to be beholden to me, or to wake up one day loving me because of material things.
This would make more sense to you as being a timing thing if you were graduating too. But because you're going through a different time in your life, it's harder to understand. Where you're at, your life is more about partnership; where she's at, her life is more about her.
Wish her the absolute best in everything she's going to do. That's how to love someone who has to go away.
posted by heyjude at 2:21 PM on August 4, 2013 [1 favorite]
She says she doesn't want to be together because she doesn't want to be beholden to me, or to wake up one day loving me because of material things. I have a hard time giving that credence.
She sounds like a very self-aware and intelligent person, and these reasons make a lot of sense to me - I wish I had had that level of insight at her age! Instead at 20 I started a relationship that I wound up staying in for 13 years, at least partly because I felt beholden and wasn't sure I could make it on my own from the material/practical aspect - housing, food, possessions, all that kind of thing. The relationship did end eventually (with a lot of misery) and as I became independent and did all these things for myself, looked after myself because there was no one else to do it for me, I realised how stunted I'd been. Though those had not been the reasons for the breakup, I think they were factors in why the relationship didn't work. That's no one's fault, it just happened because I was so young and inexperienced when I got into the relationship. (Not that I thought so at the time, of course.) Anyway, the long explanation was because you said you had trouble giving credence to those reasons.
She's at a different stage of her life, and intelligence isn't the same as experience. If she stays with you and you continue to support her and do things for her (the kind of things anyone who loves someone would do, I don't mean to make it sound like you're infantilising her) she won't be able to make these discoveries for herself. She needs to go out and experience things for herself, make her own mistakes, make her own achievements. You're not her parent, but because you love her and want to support her, you can't help but try to make things easier for her. She has the wisdom to know that that's not what she needs.
As for you, what do you need? Now you have the chance to find out. It sounds like the two of you have been good for each other in many ways and you are in the right headspace to make a fresh start. If you'd be happy to move to a different country with her, why don't you move without her? It sounds like there are some other changes you'd like to make in your life - go for it! Rather than building a life around her, see if you can use some of the energy she gave you and figure out what kind of a life you would like to build for yourself. Research different places to live, different jobs. Set your own goals. It's hard right now, the end of a good relationship is always hard, but you have the chance for so much.
posted by Athanassiel at 6:30 PM on August 4, 2013 [2 favorites]
She sounds like a very self-aware and intelligent person, and these reasons make a lot of sense to me - I wish I had had that level of insight at her age! Instead at 20 I started a relationship that I wound up staying in for 13 years, at least partly because I felt beholden and wasn't sure I could make it on my own from the material/practical aspect - housing, food, possessions, all that kind of thing. The relationship did end eventually (with a lot of misery) and as I became independent and did all these things for myself, looked after myself because there was no one else to do it for me, I realised how stunted I'd been. Though those had not been the reasons for the breakup, I think they were factors in why the relationship didn't work. That's no one's fault, it just happened because I was so young and inexperienced when I got into the relationship. (Not that I thought so at the time, of course.) Anyway, the long explanation was because you said you had trouble giving credence to those reasons.
She's at a different stage of her life, and intelligence isn't the same as experience. If she stays with you and you continue to support her and do things for her (the kind of things anyone who loves someone would do, I don't mean to make it sound like you're infantilising her) she won't be able to make these discoveries for herself. She needs to go out and experience things for herself, make her own mistakes, make her own achievements. You're not her parent, but because you love her and want to support her, you can't help but try to make things easier for her. She has the wisdom to know that that's not what she needs.
As for you, what do you need? Now you have the chance to find out. It sounds like the two of you have been good for each other in many ways and you are in the right headspace to make a fresh start. If you'd be happy to move to a different country with her, why don't you move without her? It sounds like there are some other changes you'd like to make in your life - go for it! Rather than building a life around her, see if you can use some of the energy she gave you and figure out what kind of a life you would like to build for yourself. Research different places to live, different jobs. Set your own goals. It's hard right now, the end of a good relationship is always hard, but you have the chance for so much.
posted by Athanassiel at 6:30 PM on August 4, 2013 [2 favorites]
She says she doesn't want to be together because she doesn't want to be beholden to me, or to wake up one day loving me because of material things. I have a hard time giving that credence. I've always respected her independence, and made sure to tell her her accomplishments are hers. I can't stop myself thinking it's because I'm boring, or I broke too many promises, or there's some other guy (although that's never ever ever been an issue before), or whatever. The point is I can't stop blaming myself, can't chill out, can't wrap my head around a life without her.
First of all, it's a tough situation. Relationships are composed of two individual people, people that are changing minute-by-minute, every day. Relationships end for a variety of reasons, and often times it is not anyone's fault. There can be fault is there is infidelity, abuse, or specific anti-social behaviours, but more often, people change and their lives take different directions.
It sounds like your mind is reeling at the moment, looking for the reason, something that you did (or did not do) which can 1) explain what is happening, and 2) offer guidance as how to change it. Both of these points are equally important.
In the first case, you are looking for the reason that it has happened, and internalising it. You want to remain in the relationship, whilst she has made it known that she does not want to remain in the relationship. You are now looking for reasons. Maybe you were boring. Or it was the drinking. Or it was something else. A reason that makes sense to you, for without a behavioural reason, it cannot be changed... and that is point two.
If you can find a behavioural reason, it can potentially be changed, and therefore the relationship can be saved. If we run the scenario a different way, it looks like your thought process is: 1) you are afraid of being alone / starting over, 2) she has triggered that fear in a very real way, 3) you are now evaluating all of your weaknesses, 4) so that you can find a behaviour that you can singlehandedly change, which will change the situation so that you are not alone.
It's natural. It's hard to accept the end of significant relationships and that it is time to move on. Relationships are often safe and secure places, that allow room for tremendous growth, change, and pleasure. However, as much as they are safe and secure, they can also be very limiting, for one has the responsibility to always consider another person in their actions. It sounds like you have learned how to do this, and are enjoying it. It also sounds as if she is looking for the opportunity to grow on her own terms. There's nothing wrong here, as people grow, things change. It's not your fault. It probably has very little to do with you, in fact. Whereas it sounds like all you can see is your influence on the situation, consider that it may have very little impact. It doesn't matter who you are, or how you are acting. If she wants to embrace her individuality, and explore the world on her own terms, there is probably no relationship in which that is possible right now. If you can get past the hurt and fear you are feeling, you may well see this is an individual choice she is making, and whilst it impacts you (certainly), you may well not be a primary driver of decision-making in any sense.
Whilst that can seem harsh to accept, in reality, it is perfectly logical, natural, and sound. It also provides you a great deal of freedom, if you can just accept the natural end, rather than brow-beating yourself about what you have done wrong.
Finally, the last thing I wonder is if you are afraid of yourself. That you had some bad habits you have now been in control of. You may see her as being the impetus and reason for your ability to control those habits, and therefore, without her, you will go back to habits which you are happier without. In essence, when you were last single, you behaved one way. Now that she has been in your life, you've learned to behave another way. It is logical to associate that behaviour with her, and maybe even to consider that without her, you will be your old self again (which is sounds like is something you were happy to leave behind).
This is a valid concern, but at the same time, it is very possible for you to continue forward being the person you are now. You made those behaviour changes for yourself. The motivation may have been her, however, in the end, you changed your behaviour because you wanted to. There is nothing to say that without her, you cannot continue to be the person you have become – which is a person you really seem to enjoy being!
posted by nickrussell at 12:44 AM on August 5, 2013 [1 favorite]
First of all, it's a tough situation. Relationships are composed of two individual people, people that are changing minute-by-minute, every day. Relationships end for a variety of reasons, and often times it is not anyone's fault. There can be fault is there is infidelity, abuse, or specific anti-social behaviours, but more often, people change and their lives take different directions.
It sounds like your mind is reeling at the moment, looking for the reason, something that you did (or did not do) which can 1) explain what is happening, and 2) offer guidance as how to change it. Both of these points are equally important.
In the first case, you are looking for the reason that it has happened, and internalising it. You want to remain in the relationship, whilst she has made it known that she does not want to remain in the relationship. You are now looking for reasons. Maybe you were boring. Or it was the drinking. Or it was something else. A reason that makes sense to you, for without a behavioural reason, it cannot be changed... and that is point two.
If you can find a behavioural reason, it can potentially be changed, and therefore the relationship can be saved. If we run the scenario a different way, it looks like your thought process is: 1) you are afraid of being alone / starting over, 2) she has triggered that fear in a very real way, 3) you are now evaluating all of your weaknesses, 4) so that you can find a behaviour that you can singlehandedly change, which will change the situation so that you are not alone.
It's natural. It's hard to accept the end of significant relationships and that it is time to move on. Relationships are often safe and secure places, that allow room for tremendous growth, change, and pleasure. However, as much as they are safe and secure, they can also be very limiting, for one has the responsibility to always consider another person in their actions. It sounds like you have learned how to do this, and are enjoying it. It also sounds as if she is looking for the opportunity to grow on her own terms. There's nothing wrong here, as people grow, things change. It's not your fault. It probably has very little to do with you, in fact. Whereas it sounds like all you can see is your influence on the situation, consider that it may have very little impact. It doesn't matter who you are, or how you are acting. If she wants to embrace her individuality, and explore the world on her own terms, there is probably no relationship in which that is possible right now. If you can get past the hurt and fear you are feeling, you may well see this is an individual choice she is making, and whilst it impacts you (certainly), you may well not be a primary driver of decision-making in any sense.
Whilst that can seem harsh to accept, in reality, it is perfectly logical, natural, and sound. It also provides you a great deal of freedom, if you can just accept the natural end, rather than brow-beating yourself about what you have done wrong.
Finally, the last thing I wonder is if you are afraid of yourself. That you had some bad habits you have now been in control of. You may see her as being the impetus and reason for your ability to control those habits, and therefore, without her, you will go back to habits which you are happier without. In essence, when you were last single, you behaved one way. Now that she has been in your life, you've learned to behave another way. It is logical to associate that behaviour with her, and maybe even to consider that without her, you will be your old self again (which is sounds like is something you were happy to leave behind).
This is a valid concern, but at the same time, it is very possible for you to continue forward being the person you are now. You made those behaviour changes for yourself. The motivation may have been her, however, in the end, you changed your behaviour because you wanted to. There is nothing to say that without her, you cannot continue to be the person you have become – which is a person you really seem to enjoy being!
posted by nickrussell at 12:44 AM on August 5, 2013 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
That said, sharing feelings is usually a good thing. And if she's on the fence at all, hearing your honesty might help.
posted by frizz at 10:36 PM on August 3, 2013 [1 favorite]