How do I tell a long-term friend that I want less of her in my life?
July 29, 2013 5:42 AM Subscribe
I have a long-term friend (25+ years.) For the most part, our friendship was a good one, but in the past 7 to 8 years, it's become a source of stress for me. I've tried talking with her about this, but she appears to be in denial and dismisses what I say, so nothing gets resolved, and the vicious cycle repeats. Because of our history, and my relationships with her children, parents, and brother, I don't want to cut her off completely, but I want less of her in my life. I've got to deal with this, but I don't know how.
The toxic qualities in our friendship come from her being increasingly more manipulative, bossy, nosy, controlling, and dismissive of my boundaries. She always had a very strong personality, and I'm not sure if she's gotten even more controlling as we've gotten older, or if I've just become less tolerant of it as time goes by. Maybe a little of both.
The relationship has slowly reached a point where I no longer look forward to seeing her when we make plans because I feel tense wondering, "What will we fight about this time?" When I see her name on a new email, I tense up and wonder, "Will reading this email make me feel bad?"
I have tried talking to her about it, but she minimizes, denies, and blames everything. I set boundaries, and she pushes back at them. She gets confrontational with me. Our conversations go around in circles, and take so many twists and turns that I need a map to get out of them. Everything has gone sideways, and I'm exhausted.
Meanwhile, she lives over in Denial Valley and says, "Everything is awesome between us! I feel like we're as close as ever!" and is trying to get me to make plans to go on a 1-week vacation with her. And I just hit my head on my desk.
I have accepted that I may never get her to see or agree on my perspective. I've tried to write an email saying I want less of her in my life, but everything I write sounds so angry and harsh, and I end up deleting what I wrote without sending. Meanwhile, the problems continue, and I feel like I'm stuck on a horrible merry-go-round ride, and I need it to stop.
I'm also very sad by this. You have someone in your life that's a good part of your life for a long time, and then one day, they aren't. That sucks.
The toxic qualities in our friendship come from her being increasingly more manipulative, bossy, nosy, controlling, and dismissive of my boundaries. She always had a very strong personality, and I'm not sure if she's gotten even more controlling as we've gotten older, or if I've just become less tolerant of it as time goes by. Maybe a little of both.
The relationship has slowly reached a point where I no longer look forward to seeing her when we make plans because I feel tense wondering, "What will we fight about this time?" When I see her name on a new email, I tense up and wonder, "Will reading this email make me feel bad?"
I have tried talking to her about it, but she minimizes, denies, and blames everything. I set boundaries, and she pushes back at them. She gets confrontational with me. Our conversations go around in circles, and take so many twists and turns that I need a map to get out of them. Everything has gone sideways, and I'm exhausted.
Meanwhile, she lives over in Denial Valley and says, "Everything is awesome between us! I feel like we're as close as ever!" and is trying to get me to make plans to go on a 1-week vacation with her. And I just hit my head on my desk.
I have accepted that I may never get her to see or agree on my perspective. I've tried to write an email saying I want less of her in my life, but everything I write sounds so angry and harsh, and I end up deleting what I wrote without sending. Meanwhile, the problems continue, and I feel like I'm stuck on a horrible merry-go-round ride, and I need it to stop.
I'm also very sad by this. You have someone in your life that's a good part of your life for a long time, and then one day, they aren't. That sucks.
You're right, it sucks. But it is what it is and the only thing worse than putting up with a relationship that doesn't work for 25 years, is putting up with it for one more day.
You can easily distance yourself without having to have a "Come to Jesus" discussion about it. Just don't be that available.
First of all, simply tell her that going on vacation with her, "Just won't be possible." If she pushes, keep saying it. No fight. You can even email it to her. "Dear Old Buddy-Old Pal, it turns out we won't be able to join you on your proposed tour of Death Valley. It just won't be possible. Hope you have a great time."
Done.
Now, you don't have to read or respond to her emails, you don't have to pick up when she calls and you don't have to meet up with her every time she brings it up.
Start doing things on your own terms. I found lunch and a trip to Target is a nice, useful way of connecting with people without having to get too deep. So are movies. Also, the activities have end-points. "Well, I've got to get this shampoo and trampoline home now. See ya!"
If she asks simply say, "Gosh, I'm so busy." And leave it at that.
As you've discovered, she hasn't gotten it yet, she's not getting it and she won't get it, so just take the path of least resistance.
If you are out with her, or on the phone with her, or receive an email from her, and she starts in, shut it down and walk.
"Gosh, that's a really hurtful thing to say. Here's $10, that should cover my sandwich. I'm leaving."
"Gosh, that's a really hurtful thing to say. I'm hanging up now.
E-mails you can delete with no comment.
You teach people how to treat you (Shit, but I am channeling Dr. Phil this morning.) You can re-train her, you have all the power here. Use it.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:52 AM on July 29, 2013 [15 favorites]
You can easily distance yourself without having to have a "Come to Jesus" discussion about it. Just don't be that available.
First of all, simply tell her that going on vacation with her, "Just won't be possible." If she pushes, keep saying it. No fight. You can even email it to her. "Dear Old Buddy-Old Pal, it turns out we won't be able to join you on your proposed tour of Death Valley. It just won't be possible. Hope you have a great time."
Done.
Now, you don't have to read or respond to her emails, you don't have to pick up when she calls and you don't have to meet up with her every time she brings it up.
Start doing things on your own terms. I found lunch and a trip to Target is a nice, useful way of connecting with people without having to get too deep. So are movies. Also, the activities have end-points. "Well, I've got to get this shampoo and trampoline home now. See ya!"
If she asks simply say, "Gosh, I'm so busy." And leave it at that.
As you've discovered, she hasn't gotten it yet, she's not getting it and she won't get it, so just take the path of least resistance.
If you are out with her, or on the phone with her, or receive an email from her, and she starts in, shut it down and walk.
"Gosh, that's a really hurtful thing to say. Here's $10, that should cover my sandwich. I'm leaving."
"Gosh, that's a really hurtful thing to say. I'm hanging up now.
E-mails you can delete with no comment.
You teach people how to treat you (Shit, but I am channeling Dr. Phil this morning.) You can re-train her, you have all the power here. Use it.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:52 AM on July 29, 2013 [15 favorites]
Like Lame said, if the goal is to reduce the time and not cut her off completely, then there's really no need for an explicit conversation. That will either cut her off completely or (worse) just set another boundary she decides to completely ignore.
This is accomplished with actions, not words. Be unavailable. Offer no reason, explanation or excuse. Start practicing, "I'm sorry, that won't be possible." If she really pushes you about something (like a week long vacation), terse honesty is the best. "Friend, you and I argue so much when we're together that I do not want to go on a week long vacation with you."
posted by mibo at 5:54 AM on July 29, 2013 [3 favorites]
This is accomplished with actions, not words. Be unavailable. Offer no reason, explanation or excuse. Start practicing, "I'm sorry, that won't be possible." If she really pushes you about something (like a week long vacation), terse honesty is the best. "Friend, you and I argue so much when we're together that I do not want to go on a week long vacation with you."
posted by mibo at 5:54 AM on July 29, 2013 [3 favorites]
nthing that there is no need for a come to jesus about this. Just be unavailable. And don't pretend to be unavailable, be unavailable. Plan your own vacations and when she invites you you can honestly say "thanks for the invite but I'm using my leave to go to Maine in September." "Thanks but I've got plans Thursday." "Sounds like fun, maybe another time."
As for the circular arguments and button pushing, just disengage. If it's in email, don't reply. If it's on the phone, just say "I'm hanging up now, goodbye." If it's in person, say "I'm leaving now." And leave. She can keep talking to the empty chair, and she may even follow you out to your car, but don't say another word once you've said you're done. You've trained her to poke at you to get a response, so it will take a long time before her behavior changes (if it ever does) but your goal is to disengage yourself, not to change her. Respect your own boundaries.
posted by headnsouth at 6:05 AM on July 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
As for the circular arguments and button pushing, just disengage. If it's in email, don't reply. If it's on the phone, just say "I'm hanging up now, goodbye." If it's in person, say "I'm leaving now." And leave. She can keep talking to the empty chair, and she may even follow you out to your car, but don't say another word once you've said you're done. You've trained her to poke at you to get a response, so it will take a long time before her behavior changes (if it ever does) but your goal is to disengage yourself, not to change her. Respect your own boundaries.
posted by headnsouth at 6:05 AM on July 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
I was in the exact same situation and I just backed away. I quit answering calls and emails immediately, ignored texts, etc. It's not the most mature way of dealing with things, I'm sure, but it was the best I could do at the time and it ended up working - I expected her at any moment to freak out on me and ask why I didn't like her anymore, but she never did, and has accepted a more distant friendship with such grace that I actually don't dread seeing her name on the caller ID anymore.
The thing is, even if your friend does freak out on you - well, you don't really like her anymore, do you? It's okay to not like someone even if you've known them most of your life. I give you permission to end the friendship if you need to. There are so many people in the world and so little time: we do not need to be wasting our lives with people who make it worse.
posted by something something at 6:49 AM on July 29, 2013 [4 favorites]
The thing is, even if your friend does freak out on you - well, you don't really like her anymore, do you? It's okay to not like someone even if you've known them most of your life. I give you permission to end the friendship if you need to. There are so many people in the world and so little time: we do not need to be wasting our lives with people who make it worse.
posted by something something at 6:49 AM on July 29, 2013 [4 favorites]
There are many permanent friendships/family relationships that have periods of more and periods of less contact. In a sense, having a lifelong friendship often really means being committed to being in and out of touch for the rest of your life.
If you think of it as needing space from her *now,* you are also giving her the benefit of the doubt that she can change and grow again, or that your own perceptions might eventually come to feel a bit different. Who knows, in another five years you might find her fun again, and her bossiness might be more a pesky but endearing quirk because you might not feel as vulnerable to it.
I have more than one forever (platonic) relationship that drifts in and out of intensity. The trick is that when you can't deal with the person, and when they write or call you, you have to know in your own mind that you are not doing a dramatic break up, you just don't feel like dealing with them now, and you just kind of put them on the back burner for a while. So, like what folks are saying above, you just decline, skip answering most emails, say you're busy, give more superficial responses. To the vacation you just say "I can't do that this year, I'm just too overloaded, sorry."
You might decide you need her support or value her warmth again one day. And you kind of have to be graceful when the same people might eventually kind of back away from you, too, for a bit. Lifelong friendships can be at once complicated, ambivalent and precious.
'
posted by third rail at 7:24 AM on July 29, 2013 [3 favorites]
If you think of it as needing space from her *now,* you are also giving her the benefit of the doubt that she can change and grow again, or that your own perceptions might eventually come to feel a bit different. Who knows, in another five years you might find her fun again, and her bossiness might be more a pesky but endearing quirk because you might not feel as vulnerable to it.
I have more than one forever (platonic) relationship that drifts in and out of intensity. The trick is that when you can't deal with the person, and when they write or call you, you have to know in your own mind that you are not doing a dramatic break up, you just don't feel like dealing with them now, and you just kind of put them on the back burner for a while. So, like what folks are saying above, you just decline, skip answering most emails, say you're busy, give more superficial responses. To the vacation you just say "I can't do that this year, I'm just too overloaded, sorry."
You might decide you need her support or value her warmth again one day. And you kind of have to be graceful when the same people might eventually kind of back away from you, too, for a bit. Lifelong friendships can be at once complicated, ambivalent and precious.
'
posted by third rail at 7:24 AM on July 29, 2013 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Good advice so far. I always thought that you have to try and talk things out, and that avoiding/backing away was just taking the easy way out. But I also feel like I have tried talking, and it's gotten me nothing but more headache.
I think this has become one of those "you need to take care of you most of all" situations.
posted by matrushka at 7:45 AM on July 29, 2013 [4 favorites]
I think this has become one of those "you need to take care of you most of all" situations.
posted by matrushka at 7:45 AM on July 29, 2013 [4 favorites]
Talking has gotten you no where, you are free now to back out of the friendship. I would just go cold turkey, and switch straight away to the level of contact I was comfortable with, but you may find it easier to just back out slowly. Let her calls go to voice mail, don't rush to answer emails, and don't answer them all, be busy when she wants to make plans or just say no, you don't have to explain. Just say that won't be possible. Then when you find the level you are comfortable with just hold it there. You may change your mind and want to drop all contact, or hey after a bit of a break you might want to pick up right where you left off and that's fine too.
posted by wwax at 9:26 AM on July 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by wwax at 9:26 AM on July 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
No, trying to talk things out with her just invites more drama.
Don't make plans of your own with her, and when she calls to with her plans, tell her "I'm sorry, but that won't be possible." Don't discuss WHY 'it's not possible', don't explain: just keep telling her No. Your decisions are not up for debate or questioning.
Also, don't answer her phone calls, texts or emails the second she sends them: there is NO rule that says you must be instantly available to her (or anyone else) 24/7. Let her calls go to voicemail; eventually answer her phone messages/texts/etc. or not, that's YOUR choice not hers.
posted by easily confused at 12:21 PM on July 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
Don't make plans of your own with her, and when she calls to with her plans, tell her "I'm sorry, but that won't be possible." Don't discuss WHY 'it's not possible', don't explain: just keep telling her No. Your decisions are not up for debate or questioning.
Also, don't answer her phone calls, texts or emails the second she sends them: there is NO rule that says you must be instantly available to her (or anyone else) 24/7. Let her calls go to voicemail; eventually answer her phone messages/texts/etc. or not, that's YOUR choice not hers.
posted by easily confused at 12:21 PM on July 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thank you all for your input, it was very helpful. I feel a bit more clear now.
posted by matrushka at 6:51 AM on July 30, 2013
posted by matrushka at 6:51 AM on July 30, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Lame_username at 5:49 AM on July 29, 2013 [31 favorites]