Burned a lot of bridges
July 16, 2013 3:55 PM Subscribe
I wanted to start this post with an apology to everyone. I have been going through a rough period of time and am realizing that I am not the person that I thought I was.
I've been told that everyone goes through rough periods in life, and I wanted to ask what others have done when they realize that they have some serious issues that they need to sort out.
I have been unable to make changes in my life that are necessary. I've done the therapy thing and am still working on a lot of cognitive distortions, but I feel as though this doesn't address a lot of the issues that I am dealing with.
I don't know whether other people have burned as many bridges as I have and I am truly sorry for the things that I have done. I can't stop thinking about all of the mistakes that I have made in my life. I want to change, but feel as though I am stuck in a rut right now. I am not trying to elicit sympathy. I just honestly want to know what others have done when they have lost all of their friends, their partner in life, and a good job.
I get up each day and tell myself that this will pass, but I'm really scared that the bad decisions that I have made over the course of my life have caught up to me and that I am locked into a negative future.
I plan on doing some volunteer work which I believe will be very beneficial since it would feel good to do something for others.
Any advice or anecdotes would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you.
I have been unable to make changes in my life that are necessary. I've done the therapy thing and am still working on a lot of cognitive distortions, but I feel as though this doesn't address a lot of the issues that I am dealing with.
I don't know whether other people have burned as many bridges as I have and I am truly sorry for the things that I have done. I can't stop thinking about all of the mistakes that I have made in my life. I want to change, but feel as though I am stuck in a rut right now. I am not trying to elicit sympathy. I just honestly want to know what others have done when they have lost all of their friends, their partner in life, and a good job.
I get up each day and tell myself that this will pass, but I'm really scared that the bad decisions that I have made over the course of my life have caught up to me and that I am locked into a negative future.
I plan on doing some volunteer work which I believe will be very beneficial since it would feel good to do something for others.
Any advice or anecdotes would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you.
I kept getting treatment for my condition (depression). I had to change providers a few times until I found one who clicked.
I've skimmed your askme history. You say here that you've "done" the therapy thing; what does that mean, exactly? And have you pursued a diagnosis/treatment for ADD/ADHD and anxiety, which are often comorbid with depression?
If you've tried meds and the ones you've tried didn't work for you, please be specific about that here, because a lot of people here can offer good advice on what has and hasn't worked for them.
I get up each day and tell myself that this will pass, but I'm really scared that the bad decisions that I have made over the course of my life have caught up to me and that I am locked into a negative future.
Keep getting up each day and doing what needs to be done. Turn your thoughts away from catastrophizing.
posted by rtha at 4:04 PM on July 16, 2013
I've skimmed your askme history. You say here that you've "done" the therapy thing; what does that mean, exactly? And have you pursued a diagnosis/treatment for ADD/ADHD and anxiety, which are often comorbid with depression?
If you've tried meds and the ones you've tried didn't work for you, please be specific about that here, because a lot of people here can offer good advice on what has and hasn't worked for them.
I get up each day and tell myself that this will pass, but I'm really scared that the bad decisions that I have made over the course of my life have caught up to me and that I am locked into a negative future.
Keep getting up each day and doing what needs to be done. Turn your thoughts away from catastrophizing.
posted by rtha at 4:04 PM on July 16, 2013
My mama has always said, "No matter how bad your day is, the sun will still come up tomorrow."
At 44 years of age, I find this to still be true.
posted by matty at 4:04 PM on July 16, 2013 [3 favorites]
At 44 years of age, I find this to still be true.
posted by matty at 4:04 PM on July 16, 2013 [3 favorites]
Also, don't ever apologize for asking for help when you need it. The next time you post here, whether it's about the Further Adventures of Depression or what to name your new cat, don't start your askme with an apology. Asking for help is strength, not weakness.
posted by rtha at 4:06 PM on July 16, 2013 [18 favorites]
posted by rtha at 4:06 PM on July 16, 2013 [18 favorites]
Thanks for your honesty. I have been there, and in a way, I am there right now. The only thing I have to offer is...
-keep putting one foot in front of the other as best you can
And ask the Universe to be willing to be willing to be willing to keep going, and it will pass.
Hugs. ;)
posted by strelitzia at 4:09 PM on July 16, 2013
-keep putting one foot in front of the other as best you can
And ask the Universe to be willing to be willing to be willing to keep going, and it will pass.
Hugs. ;)
posted by strelitzia at 4:09 PM on July 16, 2013
Are you really free of most obligations? Perhaps a vision quest type of adventure is what you should consider. Sell your shit and do some traveling on foot or on a bike. Do a year or two as a monk. Walk from Brussels to Oporto, or Seattle to San Diego. Rely on yourself. Trust in the good nature of others.
A long trip can really help you refine yourself.
posted by seanmpuckett at 4:20 PM on July 16, 2013
A long trip can really help you refine yourself.
posted by seanmpuckett at 4:20 PM on July 16, 2013
Just keep going. It will get better. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but really, it is going to get better.
"The sun shines and warms and lights us and we have no curiosity to know why this is so; but we ask the reason of all evil, of pain, and hunger, and mosquitoes and silly people." - Emerson
posted by easy, lucky, free at 4:25 PM on July 16, 2013 [6 favorites]
"The sun shines and warms and lights us and we have no curiosity to know why this is so; but we ask the reason of all evil, of pain, and hunger, and mosquitoes and silly people." - Emerson
posted by easy, lucky, free at 4:25 PM on July 16, 2013 [6 favorites]
Man, I can totally understand how you feel.
The first thing for me was figuring out why I was being so self-destructive (burning bridges is one of my special skillz). I'm way over simplifying, but because of some trauma in my past, I would make sure I ended relationships before the other person got a chance to do it to me first. I had a really hard time learning to trust people and their intentions, and learning when it was my Crazy Brain telling me that what they were doing was intentionally aimed at hurting me.
The turning point for me was finding people who would love me no matter what, and who would see through my attempts to sabotage our relationship. I now have people who love me FOR who I am, and have been patient with me as I figured out a way to be me without being Destructive Me. It's messy as hell, and it's painful, and I am so, so grateful that those people loved me enough to help me find the way out.
Practically, when I was in your position 18 months ago, I did two things: found a church and started a Twitter account. The Twitter was for my job - I now have a group of people who are teachers and who have helped me learn SO much. I even met my best friend through Twitter, and his love and support over the last year has changed me completely. The church thing isn't something everyone is comfortable with, but my pastor and my community at church have shown me that there's a better way to live. I thought everyone felt alone and weighed down all the time. I thought that no one would be able to love me through my craziness. I thought that feeling emotionally drained and numb was the best I could do. They showed me different. I owe them a lot for the fact that my life looks nothing like it did when I first walked in those doors on Christmas day, 2011.
I guess here's what I'm saying: you need people who will love you. You already know how amazing this community is, and I owe Mefi a hell of a lot for helping me in significant ways. So start reaching out. Find people who will accept you as broken and flawed, and will help you find a better way to live. If the first people you find aren't it, then move on. And then start learning to trust them. Start saying what you think, even when you think it will hurt or upset them. In order to really feel loved, you have to feel known for who you are. And you won't feel known if you don't say what you think and feel. They hear me say something about myself (they made me aware of how often I told myself I was stupid/ridiculous) and their response would be, "Dude. Stop it." That helps with the cognitive distortions and the crazy thinking my brain has done for the past three decades.
I know that what worked for me won't work for everyone. But community is powerful and amazing in ways that I am still learning and appreciating. And for me, living in community is the Best Way To Live.
Feel free to memail me and I'll be happy to share more.
posted by guster4lovers at 4:30 PM on July 16, 2013 [4 favorites]
The first thing for me was figuring out why I was being so self-destructive (burning bridges is one of my special skillz). I'm way over simplifying, but because of some trauma in my past, I would make sure I ended relationships before the other person got a chance to do it to me first. I had a really hard time learning to trust people and their intentions, and learning when it was my Crazy Brain telling me that what they were doing was intentionally aimed at hurting me.
The turning point for me was finding people who would love me no matter what, and who would see through my attempts to sabotage our relationship. I now have people who love me FOR who I am, and have been patient with me as I figured out a way to be me without being Destructive Me. It's messy as hell, and it's painful, and I am so, so grateful that those people loved me enough to help me find the way out.
Practically, when I was in your position 18 months ago, I did two things: found a church and started a Twitter account. The Twitter was for my job - I now have a group of people who are teachers and who have helped me learn SO much. I even met my best friend through Twitter, and his love and support over the last year has changed me completely. The church thing isn't something everyone is comfortable with, but my pastor and my community at church have shown me that there's a better way to live. I thought everyone felt alone and weighed down all the time. I thought that no one would be able to love me through my craziness. I thought that feeling emotionally drained and numb was the best I could do. They showed me different. I owe them a lot for the fact that my life looks nothing like it did when I first walked in those doors on Christmas day, 2011.
I guess here's what I'm saying: you need people who will love you. You already know how amazing this community is, and I owe Mefi a hell of a lot for helping me in significant ways. So start reaching out. Find people who will accept you as broken and flawed, and will help you find a better way to live. If the first people you find aren't it, then move on. And then start learning to trust them. Start saying what you think, even when you think it will hurt or upset them. In order to really feel loved, you have to feel known for who you are. And you won't feel known if you don't say what you think and feel. They hear me say something about myself (they made me aware of how often I told myself I was stupid/ridiculous) and their response would be, "Dude. Stop it." That helps with the cognitive distortions and the crazy thinking my brain has done for the past three decades.
I know that what worked for me won't work for everyone. But community is powerful and amazing in ways that I am still learning and appreciating. And for me, living in community is the Best Way To Live.
Feel free to memail me and I'll be happy to share more.
posted by guster4lovers at 4:30 PM on July 16, 2013 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: I think the statement about ADHD and comorbid depression/anxiety is correct. The thing that I have been going through for the last month is that I feel disconnected from my body. When I take my medications, I can't feel anything. I know that I am anxious and depressed but I don't feel it. When I go running, I don't feel any of my endorphins anymore. I feel that I am working out and sweating, but I don't achieve any of the good feelings that I used to get when I'd go running.
I've heard from countless people that I need to stop living in the past. That is good advice, but it is really hard to follow through on. I had a bright future ahead of me a couple of years ago. I had a wonderful fiancee. The mistake that I made was that I had a friend from the past who I had feelings for that I never expressed. During the relationship, I realized that I could no longer maintain that friendship with her because it was causing some problems for me. So instead of writing a concise email telling her that I have valued her friendship in the past and that I could no longer talk with her I sent her an email telling her about all of the feelings that I had for her in the past. I said things that were so immature and juvenile. The feelings that I spoke of were real, but they were from the past. To make matters even worse, I showed this email to my fiancee in an attempt to be honest with her. This exploded in my face when it happened. The reason being that even though I thought it was being honest, I didn't take into account how it would affect her. She began to believe that I had more feelings for this girl than I did for her.
It's called stupidity. Temptation and stupidity. The girl I was with was one in a million. She was someone that I thought would be the perfect person to marry but I let temptation and past feelings get in my way. There were other things that happened in the relationship. A lot of immature behaviors on my part and not dealing with stress very well. To make matters even worse, when she broke up with me I was calm and understanding. Then after I went through some of the grief stage, I got angry and said some horribly mean things to her.
I just can't stop thinking about if I had kept my mouth closed and told her that I would change all the things about me that she didn't like that I might have had a shot at still being with her.
It's over now. I can never get her back. More importantly, I was too immature to see how I affected her.
Thank you for listening.
posted by nidora at 4:56 PM on July 16, 2013
I've heard from countless people that I need to stop living in the past. That is good advice, but it is really hard to follow through on. I had a bright future ahead of me a couple of years ago. I had a wonderful fiancee. The mistake that I made was that I had a friend from the past who I had feelings for that I never expressed. During the relationship, I realized that I could no longer maintain that friendship with her because it was causing some problems for me. So instead of writing a concise email telling her that I have valued her friendship in the past and that I could no longer talk with her I sent her an email telling her about all of the feelings that I had for her in the past. I said things that were so immature and juvenile. The feelings that I spoke of were real, but they were from the past. To make matters even worse, I showed this email to my fiancee in an attempt to be honest with her. This exploded in my face when it happened. The reason being that even though I thought it was being honest, I didn't take into account how it would affect her. She began to believe that I had more feelings for this girl than I did for her.
It's called stupidity. Temptation and stupidity. The girl I was with was one in a million. She was someone that I thought would be the perfect person to marry but I let temptation and past feelings get in my way. There were other things that happened in the relationship. A lot of immature behaviors on my part and not dealing with stress very well. To make matters even worse, when she broke up with me I was calm and understanding. Then after I went through some of the grief stage, I got angry and said some horribly mean things to her.
I just can't stop thinking about if I had kept my mouth closed and told her that I would change all the things about me that she didn't like that I might have had a shot at still being with her.
It's over now. I can never get her back. More importantly, I was too immature to see how I affected her.
Thank you for listening.
posted by nidora at 4:56 PM on July 16, 2013
Please go see a psychiatrist and get evaluated for depression.
A psychiatrist, not a therapist.
posted by jaguar at 5:23 PM on July 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
A psychiatrist, not a therapist.
posted by jaguar at 5:23 PM on July 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I have been here. I wasn't quite old enough to have a good job to lose, but otherwise this sounds terribly familiar.
The most important part of my recovery process was learning not to define myself by my recovery. It can be hard, having lost so much, to think of yourself as someone currently in possession of qualities that are worth sharing, even with yourself. This is particularly true when you are confronted with daily struggles of the sort you describe. I was for a long time little more than a patient or ghost, unable to consider myself in any other light, and I occupied so much of my time with fixing this problem that I no longer had anything left to come back to—a person to recover, replete with interests, hobbies, cares, and value. All that remained was someone depressed, but working on it. When I met new people, I found it difficult to engage with them because I had lost my "stories"—I didn't feel like I had anything worthwhile to say, having invested my energy in little else but my troubles. From your profuse apologies and your comment about feeling locked into a negative future, it sounds like you're going through something similar. It is a common feature of depression, but—like anything—is made even worse when your network of support has disappeared, whatever the cause.
What helped me most—alongside finally figuring out a good prescription to curb my depression and anxiety—was devoting time and effort to tasks, not for the role they might play in changing or fixing my life, but for the sake of the tasks themselves. That is, without shirking any of your regular treatments, set aside time to just do something without worrying about its effects—something that you want to do, or at least would like to have done. This is a good opportunity to try out new things, either on your own or through meetups. Volunteer work is perfect, and not only because it can be a way to meet new people. As you suggested, you might feel better if you are going out to help others—but go out only with the thought, "Today I am going to help someone else by doing x." One day—one week or month, even, as difficult as that is to admit—is not going to cure you of your current problems, so if you go in with that expectation you're likely to be disappointed and knocked even further back when you find how little has immediately changed. Take as your goal just the task you have in front of you, just the work you are doing.
Mindfulness techniques can help you do this. Your therapist may have discussed them at one point; you will find them all over AskMeFi. I am not well read, but I can say that Our Appointment With Life, a commentary written by a nice monk on a short Buddhist sutra, helped me a lot.
And if you find your tasks unfulfilling, try others. If you hate your first volunteer gig, trust that it is simply not a good fit for you right now: look for something else. I do not give this advice lightly, knowing well how arduous a task it can be to feign curiosity, trust, or interest when you may have little.
Once I had started forcing myself to go out (or sometimes stay in) in this manner and do things—just things—I found that I was more of an entire person again, with more than my past and more than my present problems. It was essential that I could say that to myself, but also a great help that I could express that around other people. Just a little of that feeling can be remarkable, and can provide direction where there had been none before. We all need something to come back to, and you recently lost what would have been that thing for you. No one can simply go out and say, "this will be my new something," but it will not turn up unbidden. Don't look for a simulacrum of your past, just for something good. It doesn't have to be much.
I hope this is not entirely off the mark, and at least a little helpful. The discouraging thing about most advice you will receive on questions like this one is that it is painfully easy to gain a nominal understanding of what you "need to do" to heal yourself (as varied as the advice might be), but more painfully difficult to put that into practice long enough to see results.
And whatever your feelings about therapy right now, it is better to keep it as a constant, possible help, than to abandon it because you feel it is not working. If you think your sessions are not relevant to your current problems, bring that up with your therapist; tell him or her what you're facing and why you feel you haven't been properly addressing that. The conversation may well change.
And I strongly second the idea of seeing a psychiatrist if you haven't.
I am writing this quicky, but please know that I mean everything kindly, and that you deserve no less.
Best—
posted by mcoo at 5:49 PM on July 16, 2013 [6 favorites]
The most important part of my recovery process was learning not to define myself by my recovery. It can be hard, having lost so much, to think of yourself as someone currently in possession of qualities that are worth sharing, even with yourself. This is particularly true when you are confronted with daily struggles of the sort you describe. I was for a long time little more than a patient or ghost, unable to consider myself in any other light, and I occupied so much of my time with fixing this problem that I no longer had anything left to come back to—a person to recover, replete with interests, hobbies, cares, and value. All that remained was someone depressed, but working on it. When I met new people, I found it difficult to engage with them because I had lost my "stories"—I didn't feel like I had anything worthwhile to say, having invested my energy in little else but my troubles. From your profuse apologies and your comment about feeling locked into a negative future, it sounds like you're going through something similar. It is a common feature of depression, but—like anything—is made even worse when your network of support has disappeared, whatever the cause.
What helped me most—alongside finally figuring out a good prescription to curb my depression and anxiety—was devoting time and effort to tasks, not for the role they might play in changing or fixing my life, but for the sake of the tasks themselves. That is, without shirking any of your regular treatments, set aside time to just do something without worrying about its effects—something that you want to do, or at least would like to have done. This is a good opportunity to try out new things, either on your own or through meetups. Volunteer work is perfect, and not only because it can be a way to meet new people. As you suggested, you might feel better if you are going out to help others—but go out only with the thought, "Today I am going to help someone else by doing x." One day—one week or month, even, as difficult as that is to admit—is not going to cure you of your current problems, so if you go in with that expectation you're likely to be disappointed and knocked even further back when you find how little has immediately changed. Take as your goal just the task you have in front of you, just the work you are doing.
Mindfulness techniques can help you do this. Your therapist may have discussed them at one point; you will find them all over AskMeFi. I am not well read, but I can say that Our Appointment With Life, a commentary written by a nice monk on a short Buddhist sutra, helped me a lot.
And if you find your tasks unfulfilling, try others. If you hate your first volunteer gig, trust that it is simply not a good fit for you right now: look for something else. I do not give this advice lightly, knowing well how arduous a task it can be to feign curiosity, trust, or interest when you may have little.
Once I had started forcing myself to go out (or sometimes stay in) in this manner and do things—just things—I found that I was more of an entire person again, with more than my past and more than my present problems. It was essential that I could say that to myself, but also a great help that I could express that around other people. Just a little of that feeling can be remarkable, and can provide direction where there had been none before. We all need something to come back to, and you recently lost what would have been that thing for you. No one can simply go out and say, "this will be my new something," but it will not turn up unbidden. Don't look for a simulacrum of your past, just for something good. It doesn't have to be much.
I hope this is not entirely off the mark, and at least a little helpful. The discouraging thing about most advice you will receive on questions like this one is that it is painfully easy to gain a nominal understanding of what you "need to do" to heal yourself (as varied as the advice might be), but more painfully difficult to put that into practice long enough to see results.
And whatever your feelings about therapy right now, it is better to keep it as a constant, possible help, than to abandon it because you feel it is not working. If you think your sessions are not relevant to your current problems, bring that up with your therapist; tell him or her what you're facing and why you feel you haven't been properly addressing that. The conversation may well change.
And I strongly second the idea of seeing a psychiatrist if you haven't.
I am writing this quicky, but please know that I mean everything kindly, and that you deserve no less.
Best—
posted by mcoo at 5:49 PM on July 16, 2013 [6 favorites]
I just can't stop thinking about if I had kept my mouth closed and told her that I would change all the things about me that she didn't like that I might have had a shot at still being with her.
To build on what I mentioned earlier: it doesn't feel like it now, but someday you will look back on yourself and be SO GLAD that you didn't end up with a girl who made you feel like you needed to change all the things about yourself that she didn't like.
posted by easy, lucky, free at 8:46 PM on July 16, 2013 [4 favorites]
To build on what I mentioned earlier: it doesn't feel like it now, but someday you will look back on yourself and be SO GLAD that you didn't end up with a girl who made you feel like you needed to change all the things about yourself that she didn't like.
posted by easy, lucky, free at 8:46 PM on July 16, 2013 [4 favorites]
I have burned quite a lot of bridges and I am still frustrated by that. I do not see it the way you do. It takes two to make a relationship work. Those bridges did not burn solely because of my choices.
I have been in relationships where showing them that letter would have been okay and others where it would have been reason to crucify me. I have spent a lot of time sorting out what pieces are really my issues, what was someone else, what was unfortunate case of a+b=kaboom!!! I am clear that I do not need to be with someone who would fry me for something like that.
I am still working on rebuilding my life. But I don't have the crushing guilt you have. Just practical, logistical issues.
I am super tired, so not up to writing much. I did want to briefly chime in.
posted by Michele in California at 9:40 PM on July 16, 2013
I have been in relationships where showing them that letter would have been okay and others where it would have been reason to crucify me. I have spent a lot of time sorting out what pieces are really my issues, what was someone else, what was unfortunate case of a+b=kaboom!!! I am clear that I do not need to be with someone who would fry me for something like that.
I am still working on rebuilding my life. But I don't have the crushing guilt you have. Just practical, logistical issues.
I am super tired, so not up to writing much. I did want to briefly chime in.
posted by Michele in California at 9:40 PM on July 16, 2013
Some people get wise by watching what others do and learning from their mistakes. Other people get wise by screwing things up, not realizing it for a while, figuring it out at some point when it's too late and then dealing with the pain and regret and sadness and grief. There are lots of ways to build character, but that latter scenario is one of them. By hitting all of this head on, by facing your pain and the pain you have caused and all the suffering that goes with it, you are well on your way toward being wise, having clarity, feeling peace and seeing what is. The suffering stops there; it just doesn't go that high. You will see that these mistakes were blessings in disguise. I know that sounds almost cruel right now, and I'm sorry for that, but truly there is relief and comfort and that peace buried under it all.
It sounds like you are in a lot of anguish and grief about this relationship. When you're ready, you will face that too. Working through it, talking about it, understanding your part in it all...that will help you realize that it, too, was a blessing.
At any rate, there's a lot of what you wrote up there that gives me hope that you will no doubt succeed in figuring this all out and finding some peace in everything that's happened. Just keep moving forward. Give both psychiatry and medications more time. All things more time. Be patient with yourself and most of all, KIND. There are no benefits in self-punishment; that's a side step, if not back.
posted by iamkimiam at 12:17 AM on July 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
It sounds like you are in a lot of anguish and grief about this relationship. When you're ready, you will face that too. Working through it, talking about it, understanding your part in it all...that will help you realize that it, too, was a blessing.
At any rate, there's a lot of what you wrote up there that gives me hope that you will no doubt succeed in figuring this all out and finding some peace in everything that's happened. Just keep moving forward. Give both psychiatry and medications more time. All things more time. Be patient with yourself and most of all, KIND. There are no benefits in self-punishment; that's a side step, if not back.
posted by iamkimiam at 12:17 AM on July 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
The first step is forgiving yourself. I don't know what else you've done, but the example you listed sounds benign - I've known people who've fucked up in worse ways than that, and so have I.
To give you an example - I've flunked out of 5 different colleges, more if you count the attempts at online colleges that didn't go on my record, because I was too concerned that I started too late and wanted to finish fast and bit off more than I could chew and depression took over etc. I lost family support from that, all I hear now is how disappointed they are in me.
Just the same, I've lost numerous friends from stupid shit. So don't feel like you're alone in this - you're not!
I know you've heard before that you're living in the past, but the only thing you can do is move forward. You can't think what if I'd done this or that - because you can't, it's too late. But what can you do now to make sure you don't make the same mistakes again? How can you rebuild your life?
You say therapy doesn't address your issues - try psychiatry, tell them what's going on with your pills and they'll keep switching them up until something works. It'll suck for awhile, and the change won't be right away, but long term it'll be a big help.
Then go from there in terms of finding new friends, a new job, etc. I know you probably don't feel motivated to, but try to push yourself to do it anyway. When you do start to heal and feel better from your mistakes, it'll be a lot easier if you've started getting your shit together than if you're still at square 1.
Feel free me to PM me if you ever want to talk, def. been there!
posted by Autumn at 5:01 AM on July 17, 2013
To give you an example - I've flunked out of 5 different colleges, more if you count the attempts at online colleges that didn't go on my record, because I was too concerned that I started too late and wanted to finish fast and bit off more than I could chew and depression took over etc. I lost family support from that, all I hear now is how disappointed they are in me.
Just the same, I've lost numerous friends from stupid shit. So don't feel like you're alone in this - you're not!
I know you've heard before that you're living in the past, but the only thing you can do is move forward. You can't think what if I'd done this or that - because you can't, it's too late. But what can you do now to make sure you don't make the same mistakes again? How can you rebuild your life?
You say therapy doesn't address your issues - try psychiatry, tell them what's going on with your pills and they'll keep switching them up until something works. It'll suck for awhile, and the change won't be right away, but long term it'll be a big help.
Then go from there in terms of finding new friends, a new job, etc. I know you probably don't feel motivated to, but try to push yourself to do it anyway. When you do start to heal and feel better from your mistakes, it'll be a lot easier if you've started getting your shit together than if you're still at square 1.
Feel free me to PM me if you ever want to talk, def. been there!
posted by Autumn at 5:01 AM on July 17, 2013
Sometimes we have to scorch the earth to clear the brush.
You are now at a place in your life where you can start fresh. Perhaps a change of venue is called for, or a new career in a new field, or you decide to pare down to the bare essentials and try living in a yurt.
Thinking that if only I had done something differently, that you'd be so much better off just isn't true. Things happened, the way they happened for a reason. Your wonderful girlfriend, meh, perhaps not so wonderful. Your bright future? Maybe now you're poised for an even better road.
I'm 50, and if I look back on all the times I thought I had hit bottom, what I didn't know at the time was that I was just preparing to launch myself to something amazing.
You need to keep saying to yourself, "The past is the past, I can't change it. What happened in the past has lead me to right now. I am going to make the best of NOW that I can."
Look forward sweetie, you're young and the world is a fabulous place full of adventures.
Keep working with your doctors and your meds. Yes, my anti-anxiety drugs blunt some of my feelings, but the trade off is worth it.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:03 AM on July 17, 2013 [2 favorites]
You are now at a place in your life where you can start fresh. Perhaps a change of venue is called for, or a new career in a new field, or you decide to pare down to the bare essentials and try living in a yurt.
Thinking that if only I had done something differently, that you'd be so much better off just isn't true. Things happened, the way they happened for a reason. Your wonderful girlfriend, meh, perhaps not so wonderful. Your bright future? Maybe now you're poised for an even better road.
I'm 50, and if I look back on all the times I thought I had hit bottom, what I didn't know at the time was that I was just preparing to launch myself to something amazing.
You need to keep saying to yourself, "The past is the past, I can't change it. What happened in the past has lead me to right now. I am going to make the best of NOW that I can."
Look forward sweetie, you're young and the world is a fabulous place full of adventures.
Keep working with your doctors and your meds. Yes, my anti-anxiety drugs blunt some of my feelings, but the trade off is worth it.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:03 AM on July 17, 2013 [2 favorites]
Epiphanies come in many flavors. Some of them are not palatable. A few years ago a childhood friend make a remark about some incidents in which I participated that were harmful to him. He didn't say this with rancor--this all happen very long ago. I'd not realized how dickish my actions had been, and until he mentioned it in passing, I never knew that he'd been upset by what I'd done. I went through a similar experience with my brother. I had to accept it that I'd acted like an asshole at certain times, and the image I'd had of myself was due to rationalizations and self-absorption. These little epiphanies led to a chain of understanding, where I had to re-evaluate my version of my personal history. I was aided in this by the journals I kept over the years.
I have reformed my version of my life's timeline to a certain degree, but I'm left with the understanding that I'll never get a perfect grip on me, as I affect others. I came to understand that I had some good points, also, that, as I matured, I'd stopped manifesting some of my dickhead ways.
My guess is that the degree of embarrassment you may feel over some of the things you've done is a fair metric to understanding the distance you've traveled. If you can see that you "ain't like that anymore," then maybe you ain't.
One of the more painful of the epiphanies is that apologizing doesn't always help, but sometimes restitution can be made. Mostly you mourn your transgression, empathize with your victims, and move on, knowing that somewhere in your past is a platoon of folks who remember you as a jerk.
You seem to be ahead of the game.
posted by mule98J at 10:03 AM on July 17, 2013
I have reformed my version of my life's timeline to a certain degree, but I'm left with the understanding that I'll never get a perfect grip on me, as I affect others. I came to understand that I had some good points, also, that, as I matured, I'd stopped manifesting some of my dickhead ways.
My guess is that the degree of embarrassment you may feel over some of the things you've done is a fair metric to understanding the distance you've traveled. If you can see that you "ain't like that anymore," then maybe you ain't.
One of the more painful of the epiphanies is that apologizing doesn't always help, but sometimes restitution can be made. Mostly you mourn your transgression, empathize with your victims, and move on, knowing that somewhere in your past is a platoon of folks who remember you as a jerk.
You seem to be ahead of the game.
posted by mule98J at 10:03 AM on July 17, 2013
Looking into your past questions, you seem to be very much preoccupied by somekind of karmic continuity and the life. Everything is set to sad story of your life, which predetermines what next steps you may take and also makes these steps futile, because the life is already so wasted.
I noticed that because the life is something that popped out when watching a documentary about teenagers with severe depression. They were also inserting comparisons to life in every sentence when possible, which made it easier for them to diminish the actual things they were doing.
The life as a concept is your enemy. It binds you to some stupid decisions and tragic events that someone that was partially like you once had. It says that all your memories and experiences need to make sense and be used to create a nice arc of a story. You can't do that: most of the memories deserve to be forgotten or diluted and disconnected from your future personality. Dragging continuity with you and trying to bend current events to fit into that, 'to make a story whole', is poisonous and overdone. You see how trying to do that was the thing that ruined the relationship of that one previous character you told about with his fiance? (remember: he was not you-now, you don't owe him anything, he doesn't need reconciliation, past you doesn't need your pity, past you doesn't need anything anymore.) Stop bending current you into a shape that would fit to your past, give yourself a break.
posted by Free word order! at 12:27 PM on July 17, 2013 [2 favorites]
I noticed that because the life is something that popped out when watching a documentary about teenagers with severe depression. They were also inserting comparisons to life in every sentence when possible, which made it easier for them to diminish the actual things they were doing.
The life as a concept is your enemy. It binds you to some stupid decisions and tragic events that someone that was partially like you once had. It says that all your memories and experiences need to make sense and be used to create a nice arc of a story. You can't do that: most of the memories deserve to be forgotten or diluted and disconnected from your future personality. Dragging continuity with you and trying to bend current events to fit into that, 'to make a story whole', is poisonous and overdone. You see how trying to do that was the thing that ruined the relationship of that one previous character you told about with his fiance? (remember: he was not you-now, you don't owe him anything, he doesn't need reconciliation, past you doesn't need your pity, past you doesn't need anything anymore.) Stop bending current you into a shape that would fit to your past, give yourself a break.
posted by Free word order! at 12:27 PM on July 17, 2013 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you everyone for so many varied and thoughtful responses to my post.
One of the things that I have been told by countless people throughout life is that one should not get into the habit of thinking, "Once I have this, I will be happy." When I have heard several different people tell me this, my thought was that they are right. There are always going to be things that we desire. Some of the things that we desire we may be able to achieve. Other things, not necessarily so.
For me, the one thing that I have wanted since I was a little kid was to find a great partner. I found one during college and we had a great time. I honestly thought that I was going to marry this girl, but things changed in our relationship and it didn't work out that way. I had no desire to break up with her, but due to the dynamics in our relationship that was what happened. I went through a depression afterwards that was unlike anything I have experienced. What I gleaned from this experience was that what you have with one person cannot be reproduced with another individual.
I went through a series of relationships after this breakup. Not right away. I am talking about over the course of twelve years. To be completely honest, I had given up on the idea that I would ever meet someone again that would make me feel that passionate and that whole. I became a hermit of sorts and was doubting that I could do anything with my life.
When I met my fiancee to be it was a blind date. My sister-in-law teaches with her and set up the date. My attitude was extremely negative. I told her that I hate blind dates and that I would meet with her but I had no expectation. The night I went on the blind date, my intention was to get it over with. I went to the bar where we met and told myself that I would sit there for a pre-determined amount of time. I gave myself an hour to an hour and a half. I ended up sitting there talking with the girl for three and a half hours. Was she a playboy centerfold? Absolutely not. She was pretty. We talked about books and movies that we enjoyed and I felt a connection that I hadn't felt in so many years. The thing is though that she was kind.
At the time, I had just gotten accepted into graduate school. Everything was going pretty well in my life at that time with the exception of the fact that she was about twelve years more mature me and probably about twenty as far as life experience. I was waiting tables at the time and to be honest not doing a very good job at that. I ended up getting a job at a large pharmaceutical company doing some work and I experienced some of the best times of my life. It does wonder to one's soul to be with a girl that is in love with you. To be going to work and feeling proud about the job that you are doing. To be going to graduate school and feeling a little bit of confidence even though I was constantly worried that I wouldn't pass my classes.
This was truly the happiest period of time that I have ever experienced in my life. I felt as though that I was engaging in all of my major life tasks. The problems that ensued were when I realized that everything was too good to be true. I am not talking about self-sabotage. What I am talking about is that you have to question things in life. I have been a very sheltered and socially anxious person for the majority of my life. Why were all these good things happening to me all of a sudden. A lot of you will read this and say that sometimes things just work out. I admire your optimistic view, but that was not what was going on.
I was raised in a family with six children. I am number five. I grew up watching some brutal fights between my older siblings and watching my father deal with it. It doesn't really matter, but when you see siblings beating the crap out of one another at a very young age, I'm not entirely sure how the brain processes that information. What I always told myself was that I didn't want to get into any trouble like that. I had an immense fear of my older siblings as well as my father even though none of them had ever done anything like that to me.
I'm done with my biography. Let me simply say this. There is a lot more to the world than anyone will ever tell you. There are people who are so incredibly smart and capable of achieving things that most people would find hard to believe. I am lucky in ways, because I got a taste of that even if it was for a very short time. I definitely contributed to why the relationship didn't end up working out. I just can't get over it. Whatever semblance of innocence and integrity that I once had is gone. You can't get that stuff back.
Friends tell me all the time that there are billions of girls out there. Statistically, they are right. There are a lot of women out there. The thing is that this has never been my forte. I think women are the most amazing creatures on the planet. I am not putting them up on a pedestal, but I love them. Finding people that you click with and that accept your little idiosyncrasies and ones that you can accept theirs is not that easy. I am a guy that has slightly lower intelligence, average looks at best, and that has a shitload to learn about life. The two relationships that I have had in my life that have really made me want to become a better person have occurred fifteen years apart.
Right now, my life is a mess. I have financial aid loans that are through the roof. I have other bills that I am scrambling to pay off. I realize that I am so ignorant to so many of the things that most people already know. I am working two different jobs that I am mediocre at best.
Everyone keeps telling me, stop dwelling on the past. That's really good advice but very hard to follow. All I can ever focus on is the mistakes that I have made. The reason being that I don't have much of a future ahead of me. Please do not take this as an attempt to try and ellicit sympathy. People have described despair to me in the past and I am coming very close to understanding that. I have had some very good people that have offered advice to me that I was unable to accept. I was too afraid to do what they were suggesting. Sometimes, I wish that people could just understand everything that has happened because the words I use to describe all of this do it no justice. I am not saying that I have had it worse off than others, but rather that my ability to cope with life's problems has been more problematic.
Everyone of my siblings has managed to go out and do pretty well for themselves and yet I am unable to. I have been in therapy for seven years and you know what it has accomplished? Not a whole lot. It would have been better if my therapist after listening to me for the first year told me that you are not that bright and you need to aim your sights a little lower. It would have sucked, but I could have done it. I find myself now in a position where I realize that I don't have the same cognitive skills as others to be able to compete and do anything with my life.
My apologies for the negative post, but I feel lost. I truly wish that others knew all the intricacies of what is going on in my life and could just tell me that it is hopeless.
Anyhow, thanks for listening.
posted by nidora at 3:42 PM on July 17, 2013
One of the things that I have been told by countless people throughout life is that one should not get into the habit of thinking, "Once I have this, I will be happy." When I have heard several different people tell me this, my thought was that they are right. There are always going to be things that we desire. Some of the things that we desire we may be able to achieve. Other things, not necessarily so.
For me, the one thing that I have wanted since I was a little kid was to find a great partner. I found one during college and we had a great time. I honestly thought that I was going to marry this girl, but things changed in our relationship and it didn't work out that way. I had no desire to break up with her, but due to the dynamics in our relationship that was what happened. I went through a depression afterwards that was unlike anything I have experienced. What I gleaned from this experience was that what you have with one person cannot be reproduced with another individual.
I went through a series of relationships after this breakup. Not right away. I am talking about over the course of twelve years. To be completely honest, I had given up on the idea that I would ever meet someone again that would make me feel that passionate and that whole. I became a hermit of sorts and was doubting that I could do anything with my life.
When I met my fiancee to be it was a blind date. My sister-in-law teaches with her and set up the date. My attitude was extremely negative. I told her that I hate blind dates and that I would meet with her but I had no expectation. The night I went on the blind date, my intention was to get it over with. I went to the bar where we met and told myself that I would sit there for a pre-determined amount of time. I gave myself an hour to an hour and a half. I ended up sitting there talking with the girl for three and a half hours. Was she a playboy centerfold? Absolutely not. She was pretty. We talked about books and movies that we enjoyed and I felt a connection that I hadn't felt in so many years. The thing is though that she was kind.
At the time, I had just gotten accepted into graduate school. Everything was going pretty well in my life at that time with the exception of the fact that she was about twelve years more mature me and probably about twenty as far as life experience. I was waiting tables at the time and to be honest not doing a very good job at that. I ended up getting a job at a large pharmaceutical company doing some work and I experienced some of the best times of my life. It does wonder to one's soul to be with a girl that is in love with you. To be going to work and feeling proud about the job that you are doing. To be going to graduate school and feeling a little bit of confidence even though I was constantly worried that I wouldn't pass my classes.
This was truly the happiest period of time that I have ever experienced in my life. I felt as though that I was engaging in all of my major life tasks. The problems that ensued were when I realized that everything was too good to be true. I am not talking about self-sabotage. What I am talking about is that you have to question things in life. I have been a very sheltered and socially anxious person for the majority of my life. Why were all these good things happening to me all of a sudden. A lot of you will read this and say that sometimes things just work out. I admire your optimistic view, but that was not what was going on.
I was raised in a family with six children. I am number five. I grew up watching some brutal fights between my older siblings and watching my father deal with it. It doesn't really matter, but when you see siblings beating the crap out of one another at a very young age, I'm not entirely sure how the brain processes that information. What I always told myself was that I didn't want to get into any trouble like that. I had an immense fear of my older siblings as well as my father even though none of them had ever done anything like that to me.
I'm done with my biography. Let me simply say this. There is a lot more to the world than anyone will ever tell you. There are people who are so incredibly smart and capable of achieving things that most people would find hard to believe. I am lucky in ways, because I got a taste of that even if it was for a very short time. I definitely contributed to why the relationship didn't end up working out. I just can't get over it. Whatever semblance of innocence and integrity that I once had is gone. You can't get that stuff back.
Friends tell me all the time that there are billions of girls out there. Statistically, they are right. There are a lot of women out there. The thing is that this has never been my forte. I think women are the most amazing creatures on the planet. I am not putting them up on a pedestal, but I love them. Finding people that you click with and that accept your little idiosyncrasies and ones that you can accept theirs is not that easy. I am a guy that has slightly lower intelligence, average looks at best, and that has a shitload to learn about life. The two relationships that I have had in my life that have really made me want to become a better person have occurred fifteen years apart.
Right now, my life is a mess. I have financial aid loans that are through the roof. I have other bills that I am scrambling to pay off. I realize that I am so ignorant to so many of the things that most people already know. I am working two different jobs that I am mediocre at best.
Everyone keeps telling me, stop dwelling on the past. That's really good advice but very hard to follow. All I can ever focus on is the mistakes that I have made. The reason being that I don't have much of a future ahead of me. Please do not take this as an attempt to try and ellicit sympathy. People have described despair to me in the past and I am coming very close to understanding that. I have had some very good people that have offered advice to me that I was unable to accept. I was too afraid to do what they were suggesting. Sometimes, I wish that people could just understand everything that has happened because the words I use to describe all of this do it no justice. I am not saying that I have had it worse off than others, but rather that my ability to cope with life's problems has been more problematic.
Everyone of my siblings has managed to go out and do pretty well for themselves and yet I am unable to. I have been in therapy for seven years and you know what it has accomplished? Not a whole lot. It would have been better if my therapist after listening to me for the first year told me that you are not that bright and you need to aim your sights a little lower. It would have sucked, but I could have done it. I find myself now in a position where I realize that I don't have the same cognitive skills as others to be able to compete and do anything with my life.
My apologies for the negative post, but I feel lost. I truly wish that others knew all the intricacies of what is going on in my life and could just tell me that it is hopeless.
Anyhow, thanks for listening.
posted by nidora at 3:42 PM on July 17, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
Learn to love yourself and don't stop until you succeed. Promise yourself that you will never ever have to go through it again because you are going to be a better person who will not make the mistakes you made. Realize that it was not all on you. Accept who you are as valid and worthwhile but still endeavor to improve and change. Make sure that every step you take, no matter how painful, is a step forward.
For a really long time, the wounds stay fresh. Everything you see, every song you hear, every experience you have, it will remind you of something or someone you miss. It will fill you with regret. It stays fresh for a long long time, and it's always new, and you never really get used to it...but you kind of get used to not getting used to it.
Stay in therapy.
Just stay in motion and work hard to love and forgive.
I was going to say that this is what worked for me, but I can't really say that in the past tense. It is currently working for me and I'm still alive.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 4:01 PM on July 16, 2013 [5 favorites]