Facebook blues
June 18, 2013 7:05 PM Subscribe
I'm contemplating friending someone on Facebook who previously defriended me, but I'm worried I'm going to come off as a creeper. How to proceed?
About three years ago, I was good friends with "Jenna". While we weren't best friends by any means, we hung out one-on-one and in groups fairly often. I thought very highly of her because she was unfailingly kind, thoughtful, and supportive. We had known each other for over a year before I started dating a mutual friend of ours, "Nick". I had known that Jenna had a crush on him but she was in a relationship when Nick and I got together (although they broke up shortly after), so I was completely taken by surprise when it led to the total disintegration of our friendship. Jenna became more and more emotionally chilly towards me and stopped inviting me out, while continuing to remain close with Nick and involve him in social events. While unfortunately she was not the only woman in our social circle with a crush on Nick who reacted negatively to our relationship, she was by far the one I was closest to and given how highly I thought of her, it was a huge blow when she started treating me this way. Eventually, she and Nick had a falling out and I stopped interacting with her altogether.
While I moved on to a different social circle, I found myself preoccupied with how Jenna had turned her back on me so unexpectedly. When she made a bunch of big life changes several months later, I wound up checking her Facebook feed frequently and gossiping about her with Nick, hoping things would go poorly for her. She eventually defriended me this past fall, around the time that Nick and I broke up. I figured that it was for the best.
Now that Nick and I have ended our relationship and so much time has passed since Jenna and I last interacted, my resentment towards her has faded. However, these days I still find myself curious about how her life is going and have been thinking about adding her on Facebook again. I'm not looking to renew the friendship or otherwise bother her. I initially figured that this would be no big deal- I've defriended someone after our relationship soured and accepted a friend request from them further down the road without thinking much of it. After doing some googling on the subject, there was little out there on this specific situation (defriendee wants to refriend the defriender) but the consensus seemed to be that doing so would be totally unwelcome. Given that she and I still have some connections to our former social circle, I would really rather not go down in their history books as that creepy awful person who didn't know when to leave well enough alone.
I'm curious about the etiquette of this situation. Is it ever okay to friend someone on Facebook who previously defriended you? Would it be better to revisit this idea after more time has passed? If you were in her shoes, how would you react?
About three years ago, I was good friends with "Jenna". While we weren't best friends by any means, we hung out one-on-one and in groups fairly often. I thought very highly of her because she was unfailingly kind, thoughtful, and supportive. We had known each other for over a year before I started dating a mutual friend of ours, "Nick". I had known that Jenna had a crush on him but she was in a relationship when Nick and I got together (although they broke up shortly after), so I was completely taken by surprise when it led to the total disintegration of our friendship. Jenna became more and more emotionally chilly towards me and stopped inviting me out, while continuing to remain close with Nick and involve him in social events. While unfortunately she was not the only woman in our social circle with a crush on Nick who reacted negatively to our relationship, she was by far the one I was closest to and given how highly I thought of her, it was a huge blow when she started treating me this way. Eventually, she and Nick had a falling out and I stopped interacting with her altogether.
While I moved on to a different social circle, I found myself preoccupied with how Jenna had turned her back on me so unexpectedly. When she made a bunch of big life changes several months later, I wound up checking her Facebook feed frequently and gossiping about her with Nick, hoping things would go poorly for her. She eventually defriended me this past fall, around the time that Nick and I broke up. I figured that it was for the best.
Now that Nick and I have ended our relationship and so much time has passed since Jenna and I last interacted, my resentment towards her has faded. However, these days I still find myself curious about how her life is going and have been thinking about adding her on Facebook again. I'm not looking to renew the friendship or otherwise bother her. I initially figured that this would be no big deal- I've defriended someone after our relationship soured and accepted a friend request from them further down the road without thinking much of it. After doing some googling on the subject, there was little out there on this specific situation (defriendee wants to refriend the defriender) but the consensus seemed to be that doing so would be totally unwelcome. Given that she and I still have some connections to our former social circle, I would really rather not go down in their history books as that creepy awful person who didn't know when to leave well enough alone.
I'm curious about the etiquette of this situation. Is it ever okay to friend someone on Facebook who previously defriended you? Would it be better to revisit this idea after more time has passed? If you were in her shoes, how would you react?
If I were in her shoes, I'd likely ignore you. There are so many interesting people out there, too many to befriend them all, without having to worry about rekinkling friendship with people that caused pain/drama/etc. for no particular reason - and I don't see what a good reason might be from her point of view.
posted by aroberge at 7:11 PM on June 18, 2013 [5 favorites]
posted by aroberge at 7:11 PM on June 18, 2013 [5 favorites]
However, these days I still find myself curious about how her life is going and have been thinking about adding her on Facebook again. I'm not looking to renew the friendship or otherwise bother her.
This is being a creep. She's not your terrarium pet. Forget about the whole thing.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 7:14 PM on June 18, 2013 [66 favorites]
This is being a creep. She's not your terrarium pet. Forget about the whole thing.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 7:14 PM on June 18, 2013 [66 favorites]
I don't think you should initiate facebook-friending with someone you don't want to become friends with.
posted by needs more cowbell at 7:15 PM on June 18, 2013 [5 favorites]
posted by needs more cowbell at 7:15 PM on June 18, 2013 [5 favorites]
You know, this *is* a little creepy. You've actively wished her ill, she has defriended you, you're not in touch, and now, by your own admission, you're simply wanting to spy on her life again without reestablishing the friendship.
I'm not saying this to make you feel bad -- this is a very human impulse, and not an uncommon one. But instead of refriending her, figure out what it is about her that fascinates you, and why. Does she embody certain qualities you'd like to have? Is there something about her life you find attractive? Once you've figured out the attraction, redirect your energy into the effort to build those qualities in your own life.
posted by artemisia at 7:17 PM on June 18, 2013 [59 favorites]
I'm not saying this to make you feel bad -- this is a very human impulse, and not an uncommon one. But instead of refriending her, figure out what it is about her that fascinates you, and why. Does she embody certain qualities you'd like to have? Is there something about her life you find attractive? Once you've figured out the attraction, redirect your energy into the effort to build those qualities in your own life.
posted by artemisia at 7:17 PM on June 18, 2013 [59 favorites]
decent rule of thumb, don't FB friend someone you won't actually talk to. (I suppose celebrities are an exception)
posted by edgeways at 7:18 PM on June 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by edgeways at 7:18 PM on June 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
Creepy. Definitely. Leave it.
posted by pompomtom at 7:18 PM on June 18, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by pompomtom at 7:18 PM on June 18, 2013 [3 favorites]
I was in a similar -- but different situation (in that the former friend and I had a lot of history and still traveled in some of the same circles) -- and I was able to rekindle the friendship (mostly we both just needed to grow up. Or I did, at least). We're not best friends but it's all cool between us.
If you want to re-add her on Facebook out of genuine affection and do so without any expectations -- like if you're not going to care if she goes to her friends and goes "Ugh, I can't believe she did that!" or anything -- then that's cool. If you're doing it because you feel guilty that you were somehow the "bad guy" in that situation, then don't.
But since you say you don't want to be her friend, I think that's really your answer. Let it go for now. If you genuinely miss her at some point in the future, that's when you should try again.
posted by darksong at 7:20 PM on June 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
If you want to re-add her on Facebook out of genuine affection and do so without any expectations -- like if you're not going to care if she goes to her friends and goes "Ugh, I can't believe she did that!" or anything -- then that's cool. If you're doing it because you feel guilty that you were somehow the "bad guy" in that situation, then don't.
But since you say you don't want to be her friend, I think that's really your answer. Let it go for now. If you genuinely miss her at some point in the future, that's when you should try again.
posted by darksong at 7:20 PM on June 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
It would be okay, depending on the circumstances. And given the circumstances you've described to us here, let your curiosity fade off, or burgeon elsewhere. You've admitted you have no intentions of kindling a friendship with her, and your previous social activities were conducted against her (e.g. gossiping, hoping things would go poorly for her). You say your resentment toward her has "faded." That to me, seems as though there's latent resentment underneath the surface.
It might be different if you said you wanted to apologize or hash things out with her, but that's not the case here. Your intention in Facebook-friending her is solely to satiate your curiosities that may not be coming from a healthy place for you, never mind for her.
Yes, people change. Maybe you have, maybe she has, but all things considered, if you were to ever connect against via Facebook, let it be on her terms, and not yours.
posted by chloe.gelsomino at 7:21 PM on June 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
It might be different if you said you wanted to apologize or hash things out with her, but that's not the case here. Your intention in Facebook-friending her is solely to satiate your curiosities that may not be coming from a healthy place for you, never mind for her.
Yes, people change. Maybe you have, maybe she has, but all things considered, if you were to ever connect against via Facebook, let it be on her terms, and not yours.
posted by chloe.gelsomino at 7:21 PM on June 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
I can think of circumstances where it *would* be OK to friend someone who had previously unfriended you on facebook, but yours are not those circumstances.
posted by mskyle at 7:36 PM on June 18, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by mskyle at 7:36 PM on June 18, 2013 [4 favorites]
I do not know if your proposed behavior is "creepy" or not. After all, social media is for keeping tabs on people as consented to by that person. Jenna might consent to your friendship, but the status quo is that she does not. She could change her mind upon receiving your friend request, of course.
However, I do not think that a Facebook relationship with Jenna would be fruitful for you. I think it could only be beneficial to either of you if you were interested in reconciliation, but I do not see that sentiment from your question. Rather, I am concerned that it might feed into a desire to see "things going poorly for her" or otherwise compare her station to your own. For these reasons, I think it is better for both of you that you not be Facebook friends unless you have first become friends, or at least friendly, in real life.
posted by Tanizaki at 7:58 PM on June 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
However, I do not think that a Facebook relationship with Jenna would be fruitful for you. I think it could only be beneficial to either of you if you were interested in reconciliation, but I do not see that sentiment from your question. Rather, I am concerned that it might feed into a desire to see "things going poorly for her" or otherwise compare her station to your own. For these reasons, I think it is better for both of you that you not be Facebook friends unless you have first become friends, or at least friendly, in real life.
posted by Tanizaki at 7:58 PM on June 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
Is it ever okay to friend someone on Facebook who previously defriended you?
Generally, yes. Specifically, here? no.
Would it be better to revisit this idea after more time has passed?
No, probably not.
If you were in her shoes, how would you react?
I would either ignore the request or add you as an acquaintance or some other filtered level where you couldn't see most of my posts.
posted by RainyJay at 7:59 PM on June 18, 2013
Generally, yes. Specifically, here? no.
Would it be better to revisit this idea after more time has passed?
No, probably not.
If you were in her shoes, how would you react?
I would either ignore the request or add you as an acquaintance or some other filtered level where you couldn't see most of my posts.
posted by RainyJay at 7:59 PM on June 18, 2013
Would you say hi to her if you saw her on the street?
posted by oceanjesse at 8:20 PM on June 18, 2013
posted by oceanjesse at 8:20 PM on June 18, 2013
have been thinking about adding her on Facebook again. I'm not looking to renew the friendship or otherwise bother her.
This is why it's not sitting well, because it's backwards.
She treated you in a really catty and hurtful way. And on the other side of the coin she might have felt like you were this treacherous person who only cared about getting the guy rather than hurting your friend and caring about how she would feel (I'm not commenting on the rightness or wrongness of this only that she might have felt that way). You looked at her FB in order to gossip about her and make negative wishes towards her. Given the timing of when she unfriended you, she might have felt like she didn't want to be friends at all but didn't want to rock the boat with Nick.
All of that is a bad scene, bad juju, bad all around. And nothing has been patched up. You have not created a new and good relationship with her. So it seems like adding her on FB now would only be a continuation of the bad juju, even if it's not AS bad now. Like if you added her on FB and saw that she was a tremendous success in every area of life, how would you feel? Am I wrong?
I feel like if you add her she will think, why would I want to let a friendship gone bad back into my life again?
That's why you need to make the friendship good first. Then you can add her and it won't be weird.
posted by cairdeas at 9:13 PM on June 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
This is why it's not sitting well, because it's backwards.
She treated you in a really catty and hurtful way. And on the other side of the coin she might have felt like you were this treacherous person who only cared about getting the guy rather than hurting your friend and caring about how she would feel (I'm not commenting on the rightness or wrongness of this only that she might have felt that way). You looked at her FB in order to gossip about her and make negative wishes towards her. Given the timing of when she unfriended you, she might have felt like she didn't want to be friends at all but didn't want to rock the boat with Nick.
All of that is a bad scene, bad juju, bad all around. And nothing has been patched up. You have not created a new and good relationship with her. So it seems like adding her on FB now would only be a continuation of the bad juju, even if it's not AS bad now. Like if you added her on FB and saw that she was a tremendous success in every area of life, how would you feel? Am I wrong?
I feel like if you add her she will think, why would I want to let a friendship gone bad back into my life again?
That's why you need to make the friendship good first. Then you can add her and it won't be weird.
posted by cairdeas at 9:13 PM on June 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
So, let's see if I got this straight. You were friends and you thought highly of her. You started dating a guy she had a crush on (though she was not available at the time anyway). Soon after, her relationship ends, and she starts freezing you out while remaining friends with your boyfriend. Others in the social circle also start freezing you out. You end up having to move on to a different social circle. But at least you have the consolation of being in a relationship with the guy she fancied; and she eventually has a falling out with your boyfriend, too -- so I guess that also eases the pain of getting frozen out.
Then you and boyfriend proceed to gossip about her, and you express wishes for things to go badly for her? What, is this just privately between the two of you? Or is this also on facebook? Then, in rapid succession, defriending and break-up ensue. And now you want to facebook friend her, but not actually be her friend because you don't want to bother her, and because it really shouldn't be any big deal?
You know, I think in a weird way, you actually do want to try to be friends with her again. And the facebook gambit is like testing the waters, while hoping that it can be perceived as no big thing if you are rebuffed. Maybe it pleased you to win "Nick's" affections when "Jenna" and others coveted him; but she basically friend-broke up with you, and it seems you're not over it. (Honestly, your behavior reads more like that of a romantic break-up than a friendship running its course.)
Who knows, maybe it would help you move on to have a coversation with her -- in which case, go ahead and get in touch (being prepared for the distinct possibility that she won't want to talk to you). But don't do the facebook thing. At least if you're direct and it's just about 'can we talk?' rather than a pretense of non-friendship friendliness, there's little room to paint you as creepy.
posted by fikri at 9:18 PM on June 18, 2013
Then you and boyfriend proceed to gossip about her, and you express wishes for things to go badly for her? What, is this just privately between the two of you? Or is this also on facebook? Then, in rapid succession, defriending and break-up ensue. And now you want to facebook friend her, but not actually be her friend because you don't want to bother her, and because it really shouldn't be any big deal?
You know, I think in a weird way, you actually do want to try to be friends with her again. And the facebook gambit is like testing the waters, while hoping that it can be perceived as no big thing if you are rebuffed. Maybe it pleased you to win "Nick's" affections when "Jenna" and others coveted him; but she basically friend-broke up with you, and it seems you're not over it. (Honestly, your behavior reads more like that of a romantic break-up than a friendship running its course.)
Who knows, maybe it would help you move on to have a coversation with her -- in which case, go ahead and get in touch (being prepared for the distinct possibility that she won't want to talk to you). But don't do the facebook thing. At least if you're direct and it's just about 'can we talk?' rather than a pretense of non-friendship friendliness, there's little room to paint you as creepy.
posted by fikri at 9:18 PM on June 18, 2013
Mod note: From the OP:
As far as rekindling a friendship with Jenna goes... after all this time I have no idea what she feels about me and whether she'd want to be friends. But if it were possible I would truly like to have the chance to meet or talk with her so we could reconcile and get some resolution for how our friendship ended. What's been fueling the obsessing and my feelings of resentment is bewilderment over why things played out the way they did and not getting answers or closure. Even if being friends again isn't in the cards, I'd at least like to come away from it with us on friendly terms. A small part of me hoped that friending her would open the doors to that but I don't know how receptive she'd be to any of this.posted by jessamyn (staff) at 9:29 PM on June 18, 2013
In case it's unclear, the gossiping with Nick happened offline and stayed between the two of us, neither of us were in touch with Jenna after his falling out with her. There is a small possibility that he might have told Jenna about it after our breakup out of spite but we have been no contact since December so I can only speculate.
I'll only say, and take this with a grain of salt as always, whenever I've been in a situation where a girl was friends with my boyfriend before I met him, and had an unreciprocated crush on him, and reacted to our relationship by despising me, I have never been able to turn that around. I have tried really hard in some of those situations and I am a very non-threatening woman, like I am not some drooled-over-by-every-guy-in-the-room or perfect-in-every-way woman who can be lightning rods for that kind of hate. The point of my saying this is that I think it just might be one of those kinds of situations that are really hard to turn around. Maybe my experiences were just a fluke, but if not, I think it's worthwhile to try but not get discouraged or feel bad if it doesn't work out, because of that.
But about rekindling, I would say take it easy and maybe don't delve into those heavy topics right at first. I would say reach out to her with an email and keep it light but also keep it really sincere. I'd say just tell her you miss her and you've thought about her a lot over the past several years, and you wonder if she has any time coming up to chat or meet for coffee.
posted by cairdeas at 9:46 PM on June 18, 2013 [2 favorites]
But about rekindling, I would say take it easy and maybe don't delve into those heavy topics right at first. I would say reach out to her with an email and keep it light but also keep it really sincere. I'd say just tell her you miss her and you've thought about her a lot over the past several years, and you wonder if she has any time coming up to chat or meet for coffee.
posted by cairdeas at 9:46 PM on June 18, 2013 [2 favorites]
If you want to reach out about becoming friendly again, I'd say you should reach out about becoming friendly again. And that doesn't mean looking at her page on a social networking site and maybe "liking" some of her posts. It means emailing her or giving her a call and saying, "Hey, I know things were bad between us a few years ago, but I always really liked and respected you and enjoyed hanging out with you. I was wondering whether you'd like to grab a drink or a cup of coffee some time and catch up." Then, the ball is in her court as to whether she wants to chat with you.
You can't reach out to try to get "closure" or "answers" from her. She can't fix this hurt for you, no matter how nice she is. But if you miss her and want to try to see if you can fix things, I think you need to take the big emotional risk of admitting to her that you want and need that and asking whether she wants it too. There's a chance that you'll get rejected or ignored. That's how these things work. But you definitely can't make anything better (and you could make things worse) by trying to use your social media curiosity as an entree.
posted by decathecting at 10:12 PM on June 18, 2013 [11 favorites]
You can't reach out to try to get "closure" or "answers" from her. She can't fix this hurt for you, no matter how nice she is. But if you miss her and want to try to see if you can fix things, I think you need to take the big emotional risk of admitting to her that you want and need that and asking whether she wants it too. There's a chance that you'll get rejected or ignored. That's how these things work. But you definitely can't make anything better (and you could make things worse) by trying to use your social media curiosity as an entree.
posted by decathecting at 10:12 PM on June 18, 2013 [11 favorites]
I find it more creepy that you're thinking so much about it than the fact that you want to add her. Maybe it's just my friends-circle, but people add people they've had falling-outs with all the time just to see what they're up to. Others take it a step further and actively quibble with each other over FB without actually deleting one another, but that's another thing entirely...
Anyhow, if you want to add her add her. Either she accepts you or she hits the "decline" button. It's really not that big of a deal.
posted by Autumn at 12:59 AM on June 19, 2013
Anyhow, if you want to add her add her. Either she accepts you or she hits the "decline" button. It's really not that big of a deal.
posted by Autumn at 12:59 AM on June 19, 2013
I don't think it's creepy to think about a friend who rejected you over something like that, nor do I think it's creepy to look at their Facebook and gossip about them. I mean, I'd call it inane before I called it creepy, so I think anyone who labels it as that is really wrong. I also don't think it's creepy to add her again. I mean, I guess I don't equate Facebook with real world friendships, so if I add someone, it's just because I'm curious about them. The worst she can do is decline, and does that really bother you so much? If she goes on talking about it, like, "OMG, anony added me, what a creep!" I would just figure anyone who really believed I was a creep was not too smart.
posted by amodelcitizen at 4:37 AM on June 19, 2013
posted by amodelcitizen at 4:37 AM on June 19, 2013
If you do indeed want to become friends again, I'd start by emailing her or sending a FB message and being honest and owning your shit. I did that a few months ago with an old friend with whom I'd had a falling out. I realized I missed his presence in my life, and while he'd acted like a total jerk, enough time had passed that I felt willing to cross the bridge and risk any new unpleasantness in order to attempt a reconnection. I wrote him saying simply that I missed him, held no grudges, and wished him well. He wrote back, we corresponded, and we simply picked up where we left off. I was not looking for an apology, but lo, when we met up for a beer and he proffered one, it blew me away. People can be surprising.
But if you're not interested in actually rekindling the friendship, and only want to be FB friends so you can keep tabs on her, then yes, it's creepy, and you should leave it be. I understand the desire to snoop, and kudos to you for being honest about it. When my ex-husband and I split a few years ago, it started out amicably, then went downhill fast. I went to his page (like an idiot) to see what he was up to, and found he'd defriended me. It stung at first, but ultimately it's for the best. While I admit I'm curious at times, I have no interest in rekindling a connection with him. It makes me sad, but it is what it is.
Sorry to ramble. FB has messed up/enhanced/confused/muddled/opened up our modern definitions of friendship, and it can be hellish to navigate. (And also wonderful -- I reconnected with my first boyfriend from college, and now, 22 years later, we're living together.) Who knew?
Ultimately, follow your heart, your instinct. If you suspected your actions might be perceived as creepy -- enough so that you posted here seeking advice/affirmation/honesty -- then I think you're better off letting it go and moving on.
posted by flyingsquirrel at 4:45 AM on June 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
But if you're not interested in actually rekindling the friendship, and only want to be FB friends so you can keep tabs on her, then yes, it's creepy, and you should leave it be. I understand the desire to snoop, and kudos to you for being honest about it. When my ex-husband and I split a few years ago, it started out amicably, then went downhill fast. I went to his page (like an idiot) to see what he was up to, and found he'd defriended me. It stung at first, but ultimately it's for the best. While I admit I'm curious at times, I have no interest in rekindling a connection with him. It makes me sad, but it is what it is.
Sorry to ramble. FB has messed up/enhanced/confused/muddled/opened up our modern definitions of friendship, and it can be hellish to navigate. (And also wonderful -- I reconnected with my first boyfriend from college, and now, 22 years later, we're living together.) Who knew?
Ultimately, follow your heart, your instinct. If you suspected your actions might be perceived as creepy -- enough so that you posted here seeking advice/affirmation/honesty -- then I think you're better off letting it go and moving on.
posted by flyingsquirrel at 4:45 AM on June 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
But if it were possible I would truly like to have the chance to meet or talk with her so we could reconcile and get some resolution for how our friendship ended.
You can message people on Facebook without being her friend, and you can perhaps schedule lunch together or talk it out over Facebook mail. If you truly wanted a resolution to your falling out, this would be the way to do it. If you find that you would rather stay in the background and friend her and slowly build your friendship by commenting on her Wall every once in a while, then I think you're trying the passive-aggressive route, which comes off a little stalker-ish in this context. You've gossipped behind her back before, which is also another passive-aggressive technique, and leads me to believe that you dislike confrontation in general.
I know this must be nerve-wrecking, but if you truly want to restore your friendship, you need to be bold and confront her straight on. You know you've done some things wrong, and you will most certainly need to apologize to her, and she might even vent at you a little bit, but you will have to take it if you really want this friendship to work.
ON EDIT: flyingsquirrel nailed it
posted by nikkorizz at 4:59 AM on June 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
You can message people on Facebook without being her friend, and you can perhaps schedule lunch together or talk it out over Facebook mail. If you truly wanted a resolution to your falling out, this would be the way to do it. If you find that you would rather stay in the background and friend her and slowly build your friendship by commenting on her Wall every once in a while, then I think you're trying the passive-aggressive route, which comes off a little stalker-ish in this context. You've gossipped behind her back before, which is also another passive-aggressive technique, and leads me to believe that you dislike confrontation in general.
I know this must be nerve-wrecking, but if you truly want to restore your friendship, you need to be bold and confront her straight on. You know you've done some things wrong, and you will most certainly need to apologize to her, and she might even vent at you a little bit, but you will have to take it if you really want this friendship to work.
ON EDIT: flyingsquirrel nailed it
posted by nikkorizz at 4:59 AM on June 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
I'm sort of torn on this. On one hand, I say, leave it alone. The fact that she dumped you, for the reasons she dumped you, rather belies your insistance that she's a kind and caring person. Kind and caring people don't dump their friends when they hook up with their crush. They might admit jealousy and discuss it, but dumping you and excluding your isn't really kind or caring.
On the other hand, I think we've all done some really dumb stuff in our youth, and even over three years we can grow and change, so it's possible that today, Jenna may be a much better person and she may be open to renewing your friendship.
If you do elect to reconnect with her I advise two things:
1. Do it in person, slowly. Don't go rushing over there, gushing and spilling your guts. Smile and act as though the past is water under the bridge. Be friendly, make small talk and in general re-new your friendship. Either she's receptive or she's not.
2. NO NOT try to understand her motivations from three years ago. Approach this whole thing as a new beginning. Don't reference the past, except to remember some amazingly good time you two had.
Unless you can 100% leave the past, in the past, this won't be worth anyone's time.
Now an anecdote from my vast collection. 1994 was a pretty terrible year for me. My best friend Laura was diagnosed with lung cancer, I lost another friend to AIDS, and his partner, also dying of AIDS, asked me to share a stateroom on a cruise with him. Spending a shit-ton of money on a cruise with a terminally ill person was NOT my idea of a good time, but another couple I liked was going and I thought I was doing a mitvah for a friend, so I went.
Laura was pretty upset with me and she said, "You might catch AIDS from him! You can't go and leave me!" I told her, "I'm sure I'll be fine, it's only a week. I feel that I owe it to David to do this in his memory. Neil is pretty sick, but Patrick and Matt will make it fun. I'll bring you and the kids some stupid T-Shirts." Laura was always jealous of my other friends, but I attributed her unease to her illness (which freaked us all right the fuck out.)
During the cruise, Patrick became ill, fell into a coma, was evacuated off the ship in an air ambulance in Martinique and died on the way back to Miami. I sort of expected that Neil might become that ill, but Patrick was the picture of health, WTF? I was shattered.
I arrived home, and called Laura, "OMG, you won't believe what happened!" She said, "You went on the trip? Even after I told you not to? You're not welcome in my house! You might give me or my family AIDS. Don't ever speak to me again!"
And that was that. I didn't feel that I could reach out to her because she was the one that told me to take a hike. Also, and I'm not proud of this, after all that other drama, I was sort of happy not to have to deal with her illness and ultimate death. I will say that I expected that her husband would have reached out to me. I mean I lived in their back pocket for 2 years, I was always over there, I sat with her daughter in the hospital while her son was born! But for whatever reason she pushed me away and I chose to respect her wishes.
I found out she died from a co-worker, who assumed I knew all about it.
My point is, sometimes people don't act rationally, and you may never understand what's behind their actions.
So if Jenna is open to being friendly with you, great. If not, move on. That's all you can do.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:55 AM on June 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
On the other hand, I think we've all done some really dumb stuff in our youth, and even over three years we can grow and change, so it's possible that today, Jenna may be a much better person and she may be open to renewing your friendship.
If you do elect to reconnect with her I advise two things:
1. Do it in person, slowly. Don't go rushing over there, gushing and spilling your guts. Smile and act as though the past is water under the bridge. Be friendly, make small talk and in general re-new your friendship. Either she's receptive or she's not.
2. NO NOT try to understand her motivations from three years ago. Approach this whole thing as a new beginning. Don't reference the past, except to remember some amazingly good time you two had.
Unless you can 100% leave the past, in the past, this won't be worth anyone's time.
Now an anecdote from my vast collection. 1994 was a pretty terrible year for me. My best friend Laura was diagnosed with lung cancer, I lost another friend to AIDS, and his partner, also dying of AIDS, asked me to share a stateroom on a cruise with him. Spending a shit-ton of money on a cruise with a terminally ill person was NOT my idea of a good time, but another couple I liked was going and I thought I was doing a mitvah for a friend, so I went.
Laura was pretty upset with me and she said, "You might catch AIDS from him! You can't go and leave me!" I told her, "I'm sure I'll be fine, it's only a week. I feel that I owe it to David to do this in his memory. Neil is pretty sick, but Patrick and Matt will make it fun. I'll bring you and the kids some stupid T-Shirts." Laura was always jealous of my other friends, but I attributed her unease to her illness (which freaked us all right the fuck out.)
During the cruise, Patrick became ill, fell into a coma, was evacuated off the ship in an air ambulance in Martinique and died on the way back to Miami. I sort of expected that Neil might become that ill, but Patrick was the picture of health, WTF? I was shattered.
I arrived home, and called Laura, "OMG, you won't believe what happened!" She said, "You went on the trip? Even after I told you not to? You're not welcome in my house! You might give me or my family AIDS. Don't ever speak to me again!"
And that was that. I didn't feel that I could reach out to her because she was the one that told me to take a hike. Also, and I'm not proud of this, after all that other drama, I was sort of happy not to have to deal with her illness and ultimate death. I will say that I expected that her husband would have reached out to me. I mean I lived in their back pocket for 2 years, I was always over there, I sat with her daughter in the hospital while her son was born! But for whatever reason she pushed me away and I chose to respect her wishes.
I found out she died from a co-worker, who assumed I knew all about it.
My point is, sometimes people don't act rationally, and you may never understand what's behind their actions.
So if Jenna is open to being friendly with you, great. If not, move on. That's all you can do.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:55 AM on June 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
What do you expect to happen if you did get a chance to have "closure" on your friendship, or if you ended up back on friend-like terms? Do you envision Jenna apologizing, maybe telling you she was wrong in the way she treated you? Could you feel confident that nothing like this would happen again, if this incident more or less came out of the blue? If that's what you're really looking for, honestly, I'd just let this go because I doubt it's going to happen like that - someone who treats you poorly because you dated someone they liked while they were unavailable is probably not someone who is going to suddenly grow into a more magnanimous person.
Beyond this, it sounds like you're expending way too much of your own emotional energy in fixating on this person. You both seem to bring out unpleasant tendencies in each other, and right now you have an easy out in that you're not entangled with her anymore. Why invite that back in to your life?
Just let this go. You know she treated you poorly, and you don't need her to validate that. I think if you'd shift the energy you're spending on Jenna to working on yourself and granting yourself permission to be free of this unhealthy dynamic, you'll be a lot happier in the long run.
posted by DingoMutt at 7:17 AM on June 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
Beyond this, it sounds like you're expending way too much of your own emotional energy in fixating on this person. You both seem to bring out unpleasant tendencies in each other, and right now you have an easy out in that you're not entangled with her anymore. Why invite that back in to your life?
Just let this go. You know she treated you poorly, and you don't need her to validate that. I think if you'd shift the energy you're spending on Jenna to working on yourself and granting yourself permission to be free of this unhealthy dynamic, you'll be a lot happier in the long run.
posted by DingoMutt at 7:17 AM on June 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
From both sides:
I've refriended someone who defriended me and it has gone fine - but only when I knew the defriending was for temporary reasons - ie dude whose girlfriend was jealous of me, or someone who didn't like politics during the election, or whatever.
However, I also got friend requests from people I defriended, and if they parted for a reason and I don't actually like them, I find it weird and would definitely say something to mutual friends about how the person in question was still trying to stalk me.
Take it for what it's worth.
posted by corb at 10:12 AM on June 19, 2013
I've refriended someone who defriended me and it has gone fine - but only when I knew the defriending was for temporary reasons - ie dude whose girlfriend was jealous of me, or someone who didn't like politics during the election, or whatever.
However, I also got friend requests from people I defriended, and if they parted for a reason and I don't actually like them, I find it weird and would definitely say something to mutual friends about how the person in question was still trying to stalk me.
Take it for what it's worth.
posted by corb at 10:12 AM on June 19, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:11 PM on June 18, 2013 [3 favorites]