Who's the (Grand)Daddy?

June 3, 2013 6:12 AM

Asking for a non MeFi friend. His daughter is a single parent to a 3 year old girl, his only grandchild. There is no contact with the father for Reasons. Friend is separated himself. His granddaughter adores him and he loves to babysit her when he can (they live in another city about an hour away), about once a week for a day. He also Skypes her during the week. For the last while she has been referring to him as “Daddy”. Apparently she was being teased at nursery for not having a Dad (at 3!) and she told them that she did have a Daddy, and he was called Granddad. Her Mum thought this was hilarious. Today I was visiting with both of them and she wrote his name (just scribbles) and said “That’s your name.” He said “Granddad?” and she said, “No. Daddy”. Does this matter in any way?

Her mother is quite highly-strung, they moved to this new city only a few months ago, and just a few months before that my friend and his wife separated. Granddaughter and her mother had been living with them and were there for a short while after he moved out. He’s a bit concerned that with all the changes in her little life she’s confused about who’s who. But does it do any harm for her to call him Daddy? Should he keep correcting her? Is this something that will just go away as she gets older and has better language skills, or is it a sign of some deeper kind of confusion that should be addressed? Thanks.

posted by billiebee to Human Relations (22 answers total)

It is sweet. It is what the child needs right now. Unless it makes mom or gramps uncomfortable, I wouldn't worry about it. It's what the child hears his mom call her dad, so it makes sense. If mom wants to stop calling her dad 'dad' and start calling him DaddyPops or Grandpa or whatever, then the child will eventually change that as well. I would leave it alone.
posted by myselfasme at 6:24 AM on June 3, 2013 [5 favorites]

Nah. I wouldn't be concerned.
My nephew calls my mother and my stepfather both "Papa" and he's six. Also my generation of the family has always and still calls my grandmother "Ma".
He may just think he is supposed to have a Dad so... he has nominated the prominate male in his life.
posted by KogeLiz at 6:36 AM on June 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

But does it do any harm for her to call him Daddy? Should he keep correcting her?

He's not her father, and if "daddy" is what kids call their fathers where you live then it's unfair to the child to let her get to a certain age thinking one thing about her family and then telling her at a later age, well, we thought you couldn't handle the truth at age 3 so we lied to you. Not to mention that "daddy" implies a very different relationship with the mother than "granddad" does. The child will at some point have to explain that too ... "oh, he's my daddy but he's also my mommy's daddy..." any teasing she's getting at age 3* is nothing compared to what she'll endure having to explain that confusion.

Grandparents get to choose what they're called. Pop-pop, Papa-Billiebee, gramps, grandad, etc. The kid might not be able to say it clearly and they can end up like my father, being called "dobby" when he wanted to be called "grandfather," but that's different than teaching the child a name for one role that in the larger world identifies another role.

*I find it hard to believe she's being teased at age 3, you're hearing that third-hand and it may just be that she was asked about her daddy, not teased.
posted by headnsouth at 6:39 AM on June 3, 2013 [3 favorites]

Best answer: No, and this is also the age at which kids are trying to sort out family relationships and are easily confused as to who is what and belongs to whom. They also start saying, "When I grow up and I marry you, mommy ..." and "When you were a baby and I was your mommy ..." It isn't harmful and she'll sort it out. (I assume mom is still saying things like, "When we see your grandpa tomorrow ..." so she's hearing his proper relationship; she'll eventually understand what the relationship is, and anyway she can CALL him anything she wants!)

But if he's concerned I think the appropriate response isn't to say, "No, I'm your grandpa, not your daddy" but rather to say, "I will always take care of you like a daddy, I'm so lucky to be your grandpa!" It sounds like she's looking for reassurance about the adults in her life loving and taking care of her, so without correcting her he can emphasize that he will be "like a daddy" and fulfill that role she's assigning him, giving her emotional reassurance but also giving her the "right" answer for later on when she wants to explain "my grandpa helped raise me and was like my father, he's so great."
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 6:48 AM on June 3, 2013 [44 favorites]

Suggest that his first name be added to that, as in Daddy Frank, Daddy Joe, whatever, which is a common way of calling grandparents in some parts of US, or among some groups. She's not going to remember much of anything from age three over the long run.

I was the oldest grandchild on my mother's side of the family and I thought my grandma's name was momma which I somehow pronounced Bomie, the rest of the grandkids followed suit. Part of the confusion came from the fact that omy great-grandmother lived with her and she already had the name of grandma.

Think of how confusing it must be for a small child when the people she loves the most are called different names by different people. Maybe it would be easier if everyone just used first names?
posted by mareli at 7:03 AM on June 3, 2013 [4 favorites]

When she's a bit older, she'll understand better that grandpa is not dad. A lot of kids have grandparents that are "like parents" to them. It's ok as long as everyone directly involved is comfortable. My four year old niece frequently calls grandma "mom," but just as often she calls her "grandma." She has a mom she sees every day. Language skills and understanding are very much still evolving at that age.
posted by asciident at 7:18 AM on June 3, 2013 [2 favorites]

I think it will be fine. Our son calls my wife's parents Mama and Papa.
posted by fings at 7:19 AM on June 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

I think they should continue to make the simple correction they are making now without a fuss and move on each time.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 7:31 AM on June 3, 2013

Best answer: It matters. It matters that this little girl has a loving, caring father figure in her life and it's absolutely sweet and wonderful that it's her grandfather. And there's absolutely no harm in her calling him "daddy". None.

Also, just wait until she goes through the phase of calling grownups by their names! Cuteness abounds!
posted by windykites at 7:35 AM on June 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

However, the mom should keep referring to him as the girl's grandfather of course. And if it makes the adults uncomfortable, they can diligently correct her. But she will figure it out on her own eventually.
posted by windykites at 7:39 AM on June 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

I don't think the name is a problem in and of itself. My cousin's first kid called his grandmother "mum" until he was about three, because that's what his *actual* mum (my cousin) called her. Eventually it started to bug my cousin and she started correcting him and got the grandmother on board for correcting him as well.

If the grandfather is uncomfortable with it, though, he can try playfully correcting her - "Did you call me Daddy? I thought I was Granddad!"
posted by mskyle at 7:42 AM on June 3, 2013

I think this is adorable and I wish I'd had a grandfather like hers while my dad was being an asshole when I was a kid.

Lots of kids in the U.S. call their grandpas names like "Papa" or "Pops" or "Grand Daddy" or "Big Daddy." It all depends on what culture your family comes from. So I don't see this as particularly weird.

If it's bothering him, maybe instead of "Granddad" he could convince her to call him "Grand Daddy" by saying grand just means extra special, as in "I am your extra special super Grand Daddy!"
posted by BlueJae at 7:48 AM on June 3, 2013 [2 favorites]

Grandparents get to choose what they're called.

Kids make up their own names for lots of things, including people. Especially when kids are still mastering language, they make up sound-alike names. My dad's father was "Pop-pop" because that is what the first grandkid called him, and it stuck with the other grandkids, too.

There are lots of "facts" we are told that get refined as we grow older, including people's real names and how they are related.
posted by filthy light thief at 8:36 AM on June 3, 2013

I like Pop-Pop or Big Daddy, or George.

If there is going to be a correction, then just make it gently now. For the sake of being consistent and of letting her have a Daddy, I'd go with Big Daddy as a nickname, with Daddy George bringing up the rear.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:48 AM on June 3, 2013

Best answer: Kids are not dumb. At three, a child is old enough to know the difference between a parent and a grandparent, and her mother is making sure she gets the distinction as well. If it helps her to call him or refer to him as Daddy, that's really fine. As she grows older, she'll either change to a new name or she'll tell people "That's my grandfather, who I call Daddy."

If what "daddy" means to her is "Man in my life who loves me and is here for me forever," and neither Grandpa or Mom minds, then I think she nailed it.
posted by Mchelly at 9:39 AM on June 3, 2013 [2 favorites]

Does this matter in any way?

No.
posted by delmoi at 10:07 AM on June 3, 2013

Apparently she was being teased at nursery for not having a Dad (at 3!)
Kids are cruel, aren't they? Or is it their mean parents who brought up the subject of a missing father within the hearing of the kids?
posted by Cranberry at 10:40 AM on June 3, 2013

My dad checked out prior to my recollection of him, also for Reasons, and my grandfather was the closest thing I really had to a dad growing up, although I never called him that. I am in my 30s and still struggle with the absent-father-sized hole in my life, so I would encourage anything that can help her fill it. It's really, really hard to hear questions about where your dad is like that when you are a kid. I found it heartbreaking, myself.
posted by feloniousmonk at 10:59 AM on June 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

According to my parents, when I was two or three, I called my grandparents Mama and Papa. I eventually made up a new word to call my grandmother instead of Mama, which stuck. I still call my grandfather Papa.

I was a teenager when my brother was born, and he went through a phase where he called me "[inertia]-mommy". He never confused me for his mom, I think he just meant "extra special big sister who takes care of me sometimes like a mommy".

So, no I don't think it matters. She might call him something else in a few months anyway!
posted by inertia at 11:21 AM on June 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

No reason to worry at all. Completely normal situation in many families across the globe.
posted by mumimor at 11:41 AM on June 3, 2013

If he's looking for an alternative that makes him more comfortable, I nominate "Good-Daddy". It's the common term for "Grandfather" in the dialect of English spoken by the people where I do my linguistic fieldwork, and I think it is cute enough that it deserves more widespread usage!
posted by lollusc at 3:52 PM on June 3, 2013 [1 favorite]

When I was around that age I got into a weird habit of mixing around "Daddy" and "Mommy". I remember my parents correcting me about it, and I would internally roll my eyes and think "OMG why are they so worried about this when the terms seem fairly interchangeable...?"

At some point something clicked into place and I stopped doing that. I've never actually been confused about my parents' genders or what the difference between a dad and a mom is. As an adult, it's just an amusing memory.
posted by Sara C. at 4:25 PM on June 3, 2013 [1 favorite]