Should I stay or should I go now?
April 19, 2014 5:37 AM Subscribe
I’m no longer in love with my fiance and I’m not sure how I should proceed. The complicating factor is our children.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (28 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
I’m not in love with my fiance and I’m no longer attracted to her. I find her personality to be grating and she is a constant source of negative emotions and experiences in my life. There are some times where we get along and have fun together but those times are more like we are friends and not at all like we are intimate. I could go into much more detail but suffice it to say that I no longer want to be in a relationship with her. The problem is that we have two kids (one a 3 month old, the other a 2 year old) and she has two children from a previous relationship and I don’t know how to negotiate this.
We've been in a relationship for just over three years. I left once before after 6 months; I packed up all my stuff and moved out secretly. We got back together (stupid, stupid!) and she got pregnant shortly thereafter. I've tried to be a great partner for her but I've reached the end of the compromises and secrecy that I can handle.
We tried counselling once before. I thought that the session went really well and we were meeting on a level playing field but my fiance rejected everything that the therapist suggested. She has subsequently refused to go back saying, “We can solve our issues on our own.” It’s gotten to the point that I don’t feel comfortable talking to her about our relationship because any time I bring up an issue I’m having she makes it about her (ie. “How dare you bring this up; I’m pregnant with your child.”), she deflects the conversation to be about something else or she escalates to the point where I become too uncomfortable to continue the discussion and acquiesce or apologize to defuse the situation.
I don’t know what to do.
I would leave her today except we have a new born baby. I worry that she’s not going to be able to look after all of the children if I leave her. I worry that she will be violent with me (as she did one time a year ago when we had a big blow up). I worry about the children and how they’re going to handle my departure as I love them dearly and will miss the heck out of them if I spend much time away.
Do I just straight up tell her that I don’t love her and am not attracted to her? Do I give her an ulimatum (therapy or I leave). Do I just tough this one out and put my feelings and needs aside for the good of the family?
Have any of you had a similar experience? What did you end up doing and what where the consequences. I guess I just need to feel that I’m not alone right now and that someone knows of my plight.
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