Scared of heartache
May 20, 2013 11:35 AM Subscribe
Scared of heartache. A brief background... I was together with someone for 5 years, married for less than a year before I initiated a divorce which was finalized this month.
The person I was with, I look back and realize I should have walked away sooner- I beat myself asking why I stayed so long and got married. I am in a new, better, relationship so I know see how I deserve and am supposed to be treated. He was your typical "bad boy", deep down he had a heart but there was too much toughness to break through. I guess I held onto this hope he would change and be the man I knew he could be... he never did, and ended up being the boy he wanted to be and I caught him cheating on me and getting into drugs. I was raised in an amazing family, have had a wonderful job for 10 years, have taken care of and live on my own for 10 years and overall think I am a pretty good person. I think my self esteem is what allowed me to stay with my ex for so long, I was scared nobody else would love me. I have been working on my confidence and self esteem so it is much easier for me to now see what I need/want/deserve. My current boyfriend is wonderful, and here is where the problem lies. Unfortunatly, we are long distance (military)...he makes me feel like a princess, he drives 5 hrs to see me almost every weekend and I can tell he adores me, we have the same views/goals on life, we enjoy the same things and it almost seems "too good to be true", he treats me with respect and is mature. I'm already falling for this man, we talk about how crazy we are about each other and how much we like each other so I know these feelings are mutual but I'm terrified my fear of being "rejected" or hurt are going to ruin something that could be good.
I step back and in my head I hear this voice than says hes too good for you, this is too good to be true, something has got to give. For so long I was used to being in relationships that had drama, fights, lack of love, etc. How can I even comprehend what a "normal" relationship is supposed to be if I have never experienced one (by the way I am 30 years old). I keep thinking he is too good to be true that he is going to cheat on me, or decide I'm just not good enough, and that I will be devestated. I know I just need to be in the present and enjoy what I have right now. I guess I am just looking for some words of encouragement, or maybe someone who has been through this and how you were able to stop yourself from thinking just because something is good doesn't mean you are going to get hurt again. I don't want to punish a current boyfriend for something an ex did.
The person I was with, I look back and realize I should have walked away sooner- I beat myself asking why I stayed so long and got married. I am in a new, better, relationship so I know see how I deserve and am supposed to be treated. He was your typical "bad boy", deep down he had a heart but there was too much toughness to break through. I guess I held onto this hope he would change and be the man I knew he could be... he never did, and ended up being the boy he wanted to be and I caught him cheating on me and getting into drugs. I was raised in an amazing family, have had a wonderful job for 10 years, have taken care of and live on my own for 10 years and overall think I am a pretty good person. I think my self esteem is what allowed me to stay with my ex for so long, I was scared nobody else would love me. I have been working on my confidence and self esteem so it is much easier for me to now see what I need/want/deserve. My current boyfriend is wonderful, and here is where the problem lies. Unfortunatly, we are long distance (military)...he makes me feel like a princess, he drives 5 hrs to see me almost every weekend and I can tell he adores me, we have the same views/goals on life, we enjoy the same things and it almost seems "too good to be true", he treats me with respect and is mature. I'm already falling for this man, we talk about how crazy we are about each other and how much we like each other so I know these feelings are mutual but I'm terrified my fear of being "rejected" or hurt are going to ruin something that could be good.
I step back and in my head I hear this voice than says hes too good for you, this is too good to be true, something has got to give. For so long I was used to being in relationships that had drama, fights, lack of love, etc. How can I even comprehend what a "normal" relationship is supposed to be if I have never experienced one (by the way I am 30 years old). I keep thinking he is too good to be true that he is going to cheat on me, or decide I'm just not good enough, and that I will be devestated. I know I just need to be in the present and enjoy what I have right now. I guess I am just looking for some words of encouragement, or maybe someone who has been through this and how you were able to stop yourself from thinking just because something is good doesn't mean you are going to get hurt again. I don't want to punish a current boyfriend for something an ex did.
Response by poster: Thank you, that is all very true. To add something as well, we were seperated for almost a year before the divorce so I gave myself enough time to learn to be alone and okay with that. I didn't really mean to move on I met this man at a chance encounter when I was not looking or expecting much... I think you are right in saying I should still work through the grief, shame and guilt. It's a lot to handle. Thanks.
posted by love2much at 11:49 AM on May 20, 2013
posted by love2much at 11:49 AM on May 20, 2013
Once burned, twice shy. It takes a long time for a deep wound to heal.
posted by Cranberry at 12:31 PM on May 20, 2013
posted by Cranberry at 12:31 PM on May 20, 2013
You still need to understand why your first relationship ended. The reason being is that often we jump into a new relationship with the exact same issues so that we can make it work out better this time.
Your questions from past AskMe's indicates that there are issues with this relationship too. Some of them are real red flags to me.
You are putting this all on you, you're idealizing this new man, and whenever you run into something that makes you say, "hmmmm" you file your concern under "Well, it's a military thing."
As I said before, cool your damn jets. He may want to rush things because that's who he is, don't let him do that. Long distance and military may feel urgent, but it can't be. I don't care how much he wants it, it's not good for you.
What do you want for yourself outside of this relationship? Is there schooling you want? A new language to learn? A sweater to knit? Find other interests, meet new people, get things in your life that aren't this guy.
You are making the exact same mistake you made in your first relationship/marriage. You are projecting what YOU want onto someone who may or may not be able to be the man you think he is in your head. Sure, he's conforming to your fantasy now, but what will it be like when it's daily? It's easy to be on your best behavior on weekends. What about Tuesday morning when you wake up queasy from food poisoning? Is he going to hold your hair when you barf, or is he going to resent the fact that you're disrupting his sleep?
Please work on your negative self-talk with your therapist. Do affirmations that interrupt the intrusive thoughts, but for fuck's sake, don't lose your damn head.
Your boyfriend may be a great guy, but long distance gives you the feeling of intimacy where it doesn't really exist. You feel like you've known him for nearly a year, but if you've only spent weekends together, it's more like a couple of months.
My marriage started out as an LDR, but we got together in the same house for months before our wedding because at some point, being a couple means being in the same area code. Let me tell you, it was WAY different than a romantic, long distance, stealing-every-second relationship.
Do not agree to anything beyond being boyfriend and girlfriend for now. Be exclusive, but get a life outside of this man, see other friends, join clubs.
You aren't ready for anything more than boyfriend/girlfriend right now. I don't care how much you want him to be your man.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:38 PM on May 20, 2013 [5 favorites]
Your questions from past AskMe's indicates that there are issues with this relationship too. Some of them are real red flags to me.
You are putting this all on you, you're idealizing this new man, and whenever you run into something that makes you say, "hmmmm" you file your concern under "Well, it's a military thing."
As I said before, cool your damn jets. He may want to rush things because that's who he is, don't let him do that. Long distance and military may feel urgent, but it can't be. I don't care how much he wants it, it's not good for you.
What do you want for yourself outside of this relationship? Is there schooling you want? A new language to learn? A sweater to knit? Find other interests, meet new people, get things in your life that aren't this guy.
You are making the exact same mistake you made in your first relationship/marriage. You are projecting what YOU want onto someone who may or may not be able to be the man you think he is in your head. Sure, he's conforming to your fantasy now, but what will it be like when it's daily? It's easy to be on your best behavior on weekends. What about Tuesday morning when you wake up queasy from food poisoning? Is he going to hold your hair when you barf, or is he going to resent the fact that you're disrupting his sleep?
Please work on your negative self-talk with your therapist. Do affirmations that interrupt the intrusive thoughts, but for fuck's sake, don't lose your damn head.
Your boyfriend may be a great guy, but long distance gives you the feeling of intimacy where it doesn't really exist. You feel like you've known him for nearly a year, but if you've only spent weekends together, it's more like a couple of months.
My marriage started out as an LDR, but we got together in the same house for months before our wedding because at some point, being a couple means being in the same area code. Let me tell you, it was WAY different than a romantic, long distance, stealing-every-second relationship.
Do not agree to anything beyond being boyfriend and girlfriend for now. Be exclusive, but get a life outside of this man, see other friends, join clubs.
You aren't ready for anything more than boyfriend/girlfriend right now. I don't care how much you want him to be your man.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:38 PM on May 20, 2013 [5 favorites]
Best answer: Looking at your question history, you are a worrier. That's OK, but you need to deal with that beyond just getting encouragement from outsiders. Go see a therapist and learn how to interrupt those thoughts and keep them from overwhelming you. Just a handful of appointments was very helpful for me. You will find it useful and well worth the money to develop coping skills and have a real life expert (versus us internet experts) help you with a significant issue in your life.
In the meantime, learn to meditate and turn off the TV. Life has periods of drama but, thankfully, for most people it's generally pleasant and/or boring. That's why we escape to beautiful people drama in the talking box. Go for a run w/o music, plant a garden, learn a new skill. Find a different plot for your brain to focus on. Taking an extended break from Buffy and her friends improved my mild depression for sure.
You have no idea what will happen when things aren't long distance. It'll be a huge shift. Learn to deal with imaginary issues before you get together and have to solve real, in your face issues. You don't want to accidentally turn "You want to hang that there? Whydon'tyoueverlistentome?" into "You don't trust my opinion because I was cheated on and therefore not worth your love so hang the pic where I want it so I know you love me." I, uh, might be speaking from experience there.
posted by adorap0621 at 12:55 PM on May 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
In the meantime, learn to meditate and turn off the TV. Life has periods of drama but, thankfully, for most people it's generally pleasant and/or boring. That's why we escape to beautiful people drama in the talking box. Go for a run w/o music, plant a garden, learn a new skill. Find a different plot for your brain to focus on. Taking an extended break from Buffy and her friends improved my mild depression for sure.
You have no idea what will happen when things aren't long distance. It'll be a huge shift. Learn to deal with imaginary issues before you get together and have to solve real, in your face issues. You don't want to accidentally turn "You want to hang that there? Whydon'tyoueverlistentome?" into "You don't trust my opinion because I was cheated on and therefore not worth your love so hang the pic where I want it so I know you love me." I, uh, might be speaking from experience there.
posted by adorap0621 at 12:55 PM on May 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
I don't want to punish a current boyfriend for something an ex did.
This is something really important and if this is a concern, kind of makes me think that you may not be ready for a relationship right now. After a bad breakup it took me the entire length of the relationship to be truly over the relationship once it ended. Maybe you need more time. Just be gentle with yourself and protect yourself, you don't really know this person yet.
Also, I can't say enough about this book. Deal Breakers: When to Work on a Relationship and when to Walk Away by Bethany Marshall. Amazing book, she explains in a no-nonsense way why women stick with good-for-nothing men and how to approach it in your relationship, when to walk away, and what to do if you want to stick it out and improve the relationship for the better. She also says when this would be possible, and under what circumstances, or if it will never change and you're basically wasting your time.
Maybe it will help, but definitely feel free to me-mail me if you just need someone to rant to. Therapists are great, but sometimes just talking someone's friendly ear off is enough to clear out those negative thoughts.
Also, when you get stuck in that flashback loop in a new relationship, just tell yourself it's not fair to your current partner to keep comparing them to your old partner. It's really hurtful. Think of it in terms of, every time you do something, your partner says "Oh that reminds me of my ex. They did it just like that".... I would be mortified.
posted by lunastellasol at 5:43 AM on May 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
This is something really important and if this is a concern, kind of makes me think that you may not be ready for a relationship right now. After a bad breakup it took me the entire length of the relationship to be truly over the relationship once it ended. Maybe you need more time. Just be gentle with yourself and protect yourself, you don't really know this person yet.
Also, I can't say enough about this book. Deal Breakers: When to Work on a Relationship and when to Walk Away by Bethany Marshall. Amazing book, she explains in a no-nonsense way why women stick with good-for-nothing men and how to approach it in your relationship, when to walk away, and what to do if you want to stick it out and improve the relationship for the better. She also says when this would be possible, and under what circumstances, or if it will never change and you're basically wasting your time.
Maybe it will help, but definitely feel free to me-mail me if you just need someone to rant to. Therapists are great, but sometimes just talking someone's friendly ear off is enough to clear out those negative thoughts.
Also, when you get stuck in that flashback loop in a new relationship, just tell yourself it's not fair to your current partner to keep comparing them to your old partner. It's really hurtful. Think of it in terms of, every time you do something, your partner says "Oh that reminds me of my ex. They did it just like that".... I would be mortified.
posted by lunastellasol at 5:43 AM on May 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by love2much at 11:39 AM on May 20, 2013