how do you get over your first "lover"
April 10, 2013 3:07 AM Subscribe
He was my first everything, and I can't get over him even months later.
I'm saying lover as in sex partner I guess, not love because I didn't love him. I didn't even know him that long, but we had the whole chemistry thing and felt really close and comfortable pretty quickly. He was my first and only kiss so far and first everything else, but he was understanding about that. I've never had a boyfriend, and he wasn't my boyfriend. He's eight years old than I am.
I know I did some things wrong that I will work on in future interactions e.g. insecurity, venting to people who aren't therapists and don't want to hear it, and generally being an annoying and boring person.. but I think he is culpable too. He started fading on me about a month after the last time he saw me in person. He blatantly ignored me several times. I am still bitter about it, and I keep thinking that in his mind, I will be one of his past flings who had some kind of fatal flaw that he compares to his future "One" as a reason to validate how awesome she is and how no other girl is like her, but it's less about that. I cried and got that out of my system months ago, but now it's just that I keep fantasizing about him and feeling like I will never find anyone else attractive but him. I keep thinking of scenarios I'd change, or I come up with new scenarios that are appealing. I miss the intimacy and way he made me feel, but I can't just get it from another source because my issue is mainly that I want it from only him. He isn't even that objectively attractive either, but I found him really hot for some reason. I know he can easily get more people than I can because he just has something about him. He probably has someone right now and forgot about me completely.
If anyone has any personal experiences, I'd be glad to hear them. Hearing that people eventually got over their obsessions with certain people, even if it has no bearing on my life, just lifts me up knowing others got through it eventually. Will I get over this eventually? I just want to wake up one day and not think of him. Can you actually apply some kind of behavioral therapy to these kinds of situations? I always hear of people not being able to get over that one person for years and years. They still fantasize about something that will never ever be again, even when with other people. I can't be that person. I feel like I'm constructing my life around his idea of me. Even if I won't be able to get his approval or reaction, it's like I'm saying, "I going to do this, learn that, travel here, and do all these things just to prove to him that I am not what he thinks I am. I'm going to become the perfect person that he would have wanted to associate with." And yeah I just feel like being over it. The idea of "dating" other people doesn't sound appealing, but I know I might have to try it to get over it. I just don't know what I have to offer people. I don't really flirt with people or do things that are conducive to meeting people in that way. The last people I met who were into me were at random places I guess, but I wasn't into most of them. I think I should try to sleep with lots of people to desensitize myself to it though and stop putting as much emphasis on the experience with him.
I'm saying lover as in sex partner I guess, not love because I didn't love him. I didn't even know him that long, but we had the whole chemistry thing and felt really close and comfortable pretty quickly. He was my first and only kiss so far and first everything else, but he was understanding about that. I've never had a boyfriend, and he wasn't my boyfriend. He's eight years old than I am.
I know I did some things wrong that I will work on in future interactions e.g. insecurity, venting to people who aren't therapists and don't want to hear it, and generally being an annoying and boring person.. but I think he is culpable too. He started fading on me about a month after the last time he saw me in person. He blatantly ignored me several times. I am still bitter about it, and I keep thinking that in his mind, I will be one of his past flings who had some kind of fatal flaw that he compares to his future "One" as a reason to validate how awesome she is and how no other girl is like her, but it's less about that. I cried and got that out of my system months ago, but now it's just that I keep fantasizing about him and feeling like I will never find anyone else attractive but him. I keep thinking of scenarios I'd change, or I come up with new scenarios that are appealing. I miss the intimacy and way he made me feel, but I can't just get it from another source because my issue is mainly that I want it from only him. He isn't even that objectively attractive either, but I found him really hot for some reason. I know he can easily get more people than I can because he just has something about him. He probably has someone right now and forgot about me completely.
If anyone has any personal experiences, I'd be glad to hear them. Hearing that people eventually got over their obsessions with certain people, even if it has no bearing on my life, just lifts me up knowing others got through it eventually. Will I get over this eventually? I just want to wake up one day and not think of him. Can you actually apply some kind of behavioral therapy to these kinds of situations? I always hear of people not being able to get over that one person for years and years. They still fantasize about something that will never ever be again, even when with other people. I can't be that person. I feel like I'm constructing my life around his idea of me. Even if I won't be able to get his approval or reaction, it's like I'm saying, "I going to do this, learn that, travel here, and do all these things just to prove to him that I am not what he thinks I am. I'm going to become the perfect person that he would have wanted to associate with." And yeah I just feel like being over it. The idea of "dating" other people doesn't sound appealing, but I know I might have to try it to get over it. I just don't know what I have to offer people. I don't really flirt with people or do things that are conducive to meeting people in that way. The last people I met who were into me were at random places I guess, but I wasn't into most of them. I think I should try to sleep with lots of people to desensitize myself to it though and stop putting as much emphasis on the experience with him.
I made a comment in a previous thread about getting over exes which I want to come back to for you here, but it needs explanation because I'm talking about bad relationships and I don't think you feel like you were in one. However: anyone who makes you feel "annoying and boring" is NOT right for you, and you should be with someone (including yourself) who makes you feel cherished, not needy.
Anyway - the funny thing about bad relationships is they're often the MOST intoxicating ones and the hardest to move on from.
The sex is fiery and awesome, the "this-could-all-implode-anytime" feeling spurs you on to do crazy and awesome things together while you still can, the faint desperation that they will suddenly become right for you forces crazy gestures and actions from you which feel oh so romantic at the time. It can feel like you're living the plot of some film like true romance, only you know in your heart that the happy ending is pretty unlikely.
When it does end, this leaves a longing for the times when you had all the drama, even if that isn't what you think back to. What has worked for me is realising that the reason for my yearning for those times was often to do with something lacking in my life - direction, excitement, drive. Finding out more about where I really get those things from meant that I was able to lessen my need for the things which bad relationships fuel hunger for - drama, validation, lust.
Good luck! You'll get there. Have faith that the things you miss from the relationship - you have the ability to find all of them for yourself. Focus on that, rather than imagining things about his life.
posted by greenish at 3:40 AM on April 10, 2013 [13 favorites]
Anyway - the funny thing about bad relationships is they're often the MOST intoxicating ones and the hardest to move on from.
The sex is fiery and awesome, the "this-could-all-implode-anytime" feeling spurs you on to do crazy and awesome things together while you still can, the faint desperation that they will suddenly become right for you forces crazy gestures and actions from you which feel oh so romantic at the time. It can feel like you're living the plot of some film like true romance, only you know in your heart that the happy ending is pretty unlikely.
When it does end, this leaves a longing for the times when you had all the drama, even if that isn't what you think back to. What has worked for me is realising that the reason for my yearning for those times was often to do with something lacking in my life - direction, excitement, drive. Finding out more about where I really get those things from meant that I was able to lessen my need for the things which bad relationships fuel hunger for - drama, validation, lust.
Good luck! You'll get there. Have faith that the things you miss from the relationship - you have the ability to find all of them for yourself. Focus on that, rather than imagining things about his life.
posted by greenish at 3:40 AM on April 10, 2013 [13 favorites]
1) One friend told me once: make new memories (happy and sad and everything in between). It is probably THE way to get over this moment. Do stuff you love, discover new stuff you love. Once you've seen enough of the world it'll even be difficult for you to remember why you were so taken by this guy in particular. As to what kinds of experiences, I'd suggest trying to discover who YOU want yourself to be as a sort of guide, and get active being that person. Whom did you admire before meeting him? Who are your role models? Don't have any? GO DISCOVER THEM!
2) I think that, whatever you do, it's a very bad idea to reactively "try to sleep with lots of people to desensitize" yourself. If anything, I think it's wonderful that sex with someone special means that much to you, and that is something that, in my opinion, you don't need to change in order to get over your first "lover". Whether you approach sex casually from now on, or you choose to wait for the moment that feels exactly right, with someone who means a lot to you, is entirely a matter of personal choice. But the former will probably not help you get over your obsession with this one guy.
3) Another concept I like in these situations is: be your own lover. Go into an (initially) monogamous, nurturing, life-long relationship with yourself. I know it sounds silly, but bear with me. What if instead of having this mindset:
I feel like I'm constructing my life around his idea of me. Even if I won't be able to get his approval or reaction, it's like I'm saying, "I going to do this, learn that, travel here, and do all these things just to prove to him that I am not what he thinks I am. I'm going to become the perfect person that he would have wanted to associate with."
you started acting like you have a partner you really love (YOU) who needs your support and love in order to get through this, and grow, and find themselves? Let you1 be the support you2 needs, the way you would treat someone you really, really love who is distinct from you. When this relationship is stable and starts to get boring and routine, hey, get a new lover! It's actually a relationship in which you're allowed to fall in love with other people. This might be hard on your own, so...
4) try therapy. It works!
Hang in there! It will get better. I wish you the best.
posted by ipsative at 3:43 AM on April 10, 2013 [9 favorites]
2) I think that, whatever you do, it's a very bad idea to reactively "try to sleep with lots of people to desensitize" yourself. If anything, I think it's wonderful that sex with someone special means that much to you, and that is something that, in my opinion, you don't need to change in order to get over your first "lover". Whether you approach sex casually from now on, or you choose to wait for the moment that feels exactly right, with someone who means a lot to you, is entirely a matter of personal choice. But the former will probably not help you get over your obsession with this one guy.
3) Another concept I like in these situations is: be your own lover. Go into an (initially) monogamous, nurturing, life-long relationship with yourself. I know it sounds silly, but bear with me. What if instead of having this mindset:
I feel like I'm constructing my life around his idea of me. Even if I won't be able to get his approval or reaction, it's like I'm saying, "I going to do this, learn that, travel here, and do all these things just to prove to him that I am not what he thinks I am. I'm going to become the perfect person that he would have wanted to associate with."
you started acting like you have a partner you really love (YOU) who needs your support and love in order to get through this, and grow, and find themselves? Let you1 be the support you2 needs, the way you would treat someone you really, really love who is distinct from you. When this relationship is stable and starts to get boring and routine, hey, get a new lover! It's actually a relationship in which you're allowed to fall in love with other people. This might be hard on your own, so...
4) try therapy. It works!
Hang in there! It will get better. I wish you the best.
posted by ipsative at 3:43 AM on April 10, 2013 [9 favorites]
I don't believe you ever forget your first love...
I believe the issue for you here is low self-esteem. The trick is to love yourself more than anyone else! Congratulate yourself, you've proven you can have feelings for someone, and from what you say their personality over "Conventional looks".
Feelings arn't a battery that gets used up, it will happen again in time with someone else. Don't try and change who you are to be someone who person X would like, simply be yourself and person Y will come along :D
Good Luck
posted by krisb1701d at 3:45 AM on April 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
I believe the issue for you here is low self-esteem. The trick is to love yourself more than anyone else! Congratulate yourself, you've proven you can have feelings for someone, and from what you say their personality over "Conventional looks".
Feelings arn't a battery that gets used up, it will happen again in time with someone else. Don't try and change who you are to be someone who person X would like, simply be yourself and person Y will come along :D
Good Luck
posted by krisb1701d at 3:45 AM on April 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
This was pretty much how I felt after my first serious relationship ended, though I cringe to admit it because your question smells more of low self-esteem than obsession with this particular guy.
So, what helped... time. Real hobbies, particularly ones with a built-in community. You sound lonely. My first relationship was co-dependent and when I "zoomed out" from that experience I rediscovered my friends and how much satisfaction in life I could get from them, not just from Meaningful Interactions With My One True Love.
I seem to always get involved with guys that "just have something about them," as you said, and are serial monogamists. It wasn't until a couple of years after my first big breakup that I realized they weren't more desirable than me, they were less picky. I could have been in relationships non-stop with people chasing me, but I didn't, because I quite frankly just rarely felt a spark that made me want to date someone. As you said, you've already met people who were into you but that you just weren't into -- and that's totally fine.
What you'll have to do is fake it 'till you make it for a while, I'm afraid. Obviously cut off all contact and absolutely no e-stalking; ask your friends to log into your social networking accounts and remove your connections from him so you never have to look at his stuff online again. You may think to yourself "I'm doing this cool new hobby so that so-and-so will see how great I am," but if that gets you to do the cool new hobby, you may find it satisfying in and of itself down the road. Same with any kind of self improvement, moving, traveling, getting a new job, etc. The broken thought patterns will persist but as you get distance from him they will fade away until you internalize how nice it is to do things for you, because contrary to how you're feeling and what you're saying now, you are great.
posted by telegraph at 3:46 AM on April 10, 2013 [6 favorites]
So, what helped... time. Real hobbies, particularly ones with a built-in community. You sound lonely. My first relationship was co-dependent and when I "zoomed out" from that experience I rediscovered my friends and how much satisfaction in life I could get from them, not just from Meaningful Interactions With My One True Love.
I seem to always get involved with guys that "just have something about them," as you said, and are serial monogamists. It wasn't until a couple of years after my first big breakup that I realized they weren't more desirable than me, they were less picky. I could have been in relationships non-stop with people chasing me, but I didn't, because I quite frankly just rarely felt a spark that made me want to date someone. As you said, you've already met people who were into you but that you just weren't into -- and that's totally fine.
What you'll have to do is fake it 'till you make it for a while, I'm afraid. Obviously cut off all contact and absolutely no e-stalking; ask your friends to log into your social networking accounts and remove your connections from him so you never have to look at his stuff online again. You may think to yourself "I'm doing this cool new hobby so that so-and-so will see how great I am," but if that gets you to do the cool new hobby, you may find it satisfying in and of itself down the road. Same with any kind of self improvement, moving, traveling, getting a new job, etc. The broken thought patterns will persist but as you get distance from him they will fade away until you internalize how nice it is to do things for you, because contrary to how you're feeling and what you're saying now, you are great.
posted by telegraph at 3:46 AM on April 10, 2013 [6 favorites]
Your post really resonates for me. I had the same experience when I was younger, I think a lot of people do. I can't honestly say I have completely worked out how to find or be in a healthy relationship yet, but I am over that 'first kiss, first love' experience. I think the biggest thing that you need is time, and to get on with your life. I spent way too long hung up on that guy, and when I look back now I mostly just think that I wasted time that I could have been using to meet other people. But then again, I guess there is no use looking back and thinking about how things should have been, especially when it comes to thinking that you should have felt something different.
A couple of things from your post:
- on thinking that there was some fatal flaw that you had: I thought this for the longest time after things ended with my 'first.' I think I made it even worse by continuing to see him now and again. We would meet up for coffee and have great conversations and I would walk away thinking "why don't you like meeee?" Since I am a bit overweight and have some issues surrounding that, I decided that must have been it. Then one day towards the end of knowing him, I ran into him on the street walking hand in hand with his new girlfriend (ugh). She was even more overweight than me. I then realized that all of these reasons I had been thinking up in my mind for why he didn't 'like' me enough were more a product of my own insecurities. I mean, sure he had some reason that he didn't want to be with me, but for all I know maybe it is because I don't like playing video games or something else equally inane or unimportant. There is just nothing to be gained from sitting around thinking up what might be wrong with you. It wasn't right, and maybe why it wasn't right would have become clear to you if you had kept seeing him for long enough. You say you didn't even love him, that would have been reason enough for YOU to stop seeing HIM eventually. And that wouldn't have been any reflection on him as a person.
- you should not worry about whether you are doing things in your life to get over him. Is that the only reason you have done this or that or traveled here and there? I am willing to bet that the answ to that question is "no." So what if you thought about him while you did that? This is normal, and probably also just indicative of the fact that there were certain things that he thought would be cool that you like as well. My 'first' was something of a do-gooder who had a definite social conscience. When I knew him, I was developing into a person with similar ideals, and the fact that he had those ideals was something I found attractive about him. After I knew him, I traveled the world and worked at nonprofits doing anti-poverty work. Did I think at certain points that if he could just see me now, he would not have broken it off? Yes, I did. But I was also doing what I wanted to be doing, and made decisions to do those things because I had put a lot of thought into what I wanted in my life.
- overall, I think you could possibly benefit from therapy, or at least trying to do some introspective work. I did not do therapy, but I have had a chance the last couple of years to think a lot more about things like my self-confidence and how to be happy with myself. I don't have it all figured out yet, but from reading your post, I think maybe you could benefit from some similar work.
I still think about my "first" now and again, with a mix of "he was so great" and "I really hate that guy" feelings. But basically, I have gone through what I needed to to get over him and move on with my life (which is pretty awesome in some ways, when I think of it). I think if you give it time you can get through that as well. Good luck!
posted by thesnowyslaps at 3:48 AM on April 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
A couple of things from your post:
- on thinking that there was some fatal flaw that you had: I thought this for the longest time after things ended with my 'first.' I think I made it even worse by continuing to see him now and again. We would meet up for coffee and have great conversations and I would walk away thinking "why don't you like meeee?" Since I am a bit overweight and have some issues surrounding that, I decided that must have been it. Then one day towards the end of knowing him, I ran into him on the street walking hand in hand with his new girlfriend (ugh). She was even more overweight than me. I then realized that all of these reasons I had been thinking up in my mind for why he didn't 'like' me enough were more a product of my own insecurities. I mean, sure he had some reason that he didn't want to be with me, but for all I know maybe it is because I don't like playing video games or something else equally inane or unimportant. There is just nothing to be gained from sitting around thinking up what might be wrong with you. It wasn't right, and maybe why it wasn't right would have become clear to you if you had kept seeing him for long enough. You say you didn't even love him, that would have been reason enough for YOU to stop seeing HIM eventually. And that wouldn't have been any reflection on him as a person.
- you should not worry about whether you are doing things in your life to get over him. Is that the only reason you have done this or that or traveled here and there? I am willing to bet that the answ to that question is "no." So what if you thought about him while you did that? This is normal, and probably also just indicative of the fact that there were certain things that he thought would be cool that you like as well. My 'first' was something of a do-gooder who had a definite social conscience. When I knew him, I was developing into a person with similar ideals, and the fact that he had those ideals was something I found attractive about him. After I knew him, I traveled the world and worked at nonprofits doing anti-poverty work. Did I think at certain points that if he could just see me now, he would not have broken it off? Yes, I did. But I was also doing what I wanted to be doing, and made decisions to do those things because I had put a lot of thought into what I wanted in my life.
- overall, I think you could possibly benefit from therapy, or at least trying to do some introspective work. I did not do therapy, but I have had a chance the last couple of years to think a lot more about things like my self-confidence and how to be happy with myself. I don't have it all figured out yet, but from reading your post, I think maybe you could benefit from some similar work.
I still think about my "first" now and again, with a mix of "he was so great" and "I really hate that guy" feelings. But basically, I have gone through what I needed to to get over him and move on with my life (which is pretty awesome in some ways, when I think of it). I think if you give it time you can get through that as well. Good luck!
posted by thesnowyslaps at 3:48 AM on April 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
You say you want to prove to him that I am not what he thinks I am. I'm going to become the perfect person that he would have wanted to associate with.
Become a person that you would want to associate with. Prove to yourself who you are. Get to know who you are and who you want to be regardless of what anyone else thinks. Only bring people into your life who don't make you prove anything to them.
posted by SyraCarol at 3:50 AM on April 10, 2013 [7 favorites]
Become a person that you would want to associate with. Prove to yourself who you are. Get to know who you are and who you want to be regardless of what anyone else thinks. Only bring people into your life who don't make you prove anything to them.
posted by SyraCarol at 3:50 AM on April 10, 2013 [7 favorites]
I don't believe you ever forget your first love...
In case this isn't obvious to you (and it may not be, given your current mindset), this is very far from a universal truth. I've had a lot of loves in my life—some more significant and memorable than others—but my "first love" (2+ years, beginning in high school, included talks of marriage) was neither.
posted by she's not there at 3:59 AM on April 10, 2013
In case this isn't obvious to you (and it may not be, given your current mindset), this is very far from a universal truth. I've had a lot of loves in my life—some more significant and memorable than others—but my "first love" (2+ years, beginning in high school, included talks of marriage) was neither.
posted by she's not there at 3:59 AM on April 10, 2013
I found him really hot for some reason. I know he can easily get more people than I can because he just has something about him.
You know what that something is? It's CONFIDENCE.
You need to work on building your own confidence. Don't understand what confidence actually is? Here is a guide...You might need some therapy to address the self esteem issues that keep you from having confidence.
All the best :)
posted by beccyjoe at 4:17 AM on April 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
You know what that something is? It's CONFIDENCE.
You need to work on building your own confidence. Don't understand what confidence actually is? Here is a guide...You might need some therapy to address the self esteem issues that keep you from having confidence.
All the best :)
posted by beccyjoe at 4:17 AM on April 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
I know a girl who scratched her first boyfriend's name into her arm after they broke up because he was all she thought about and she thought she was his forever even if he didn't want her anymore. She was relieved that the scratches weren't all that deep and had gone away in a few months when she had met the second guy, the guy who made her forget all about the first guy. (And when things with the second guy started looking shaky, well, she started having the same feelings, but I knew there would be another guy to fall in love with if the second guy went away.)
Time, distractions, and your next boyfriend will do the job for you. If I were your parent, I would strongly encourage you to refocus on your education right now. If you have let things fall apart, start again on the things you have failed. You have to make yourself the focus of your life, and a huge part of that is getting an education that will help you get you a job you like and that will get you the money you need to support yourself without depending on anyone else. Don't wait for someone to hand you a good life. Work for it.
posted by pracowity at 4:30 AM on April 10, 2013 [3 favorites]
Time, distractions, and your next boyfriend will do the job for you. If I were your parent, I would strongly encourage you to refocus on your education right now. If you have let things fall apart, start again on the things you have failed. You have to make yourself the focus of your life, and a huge part of that is getting an education that will help you get you a job you like and that will get you the money you need to support yourself without depending on anyone else. Don't wait for someone to hand you a good life. Work for it.
posted by pracowity at 4:30 AM on April 10, 2013 [3 favorites]
I will be one of his past flings who had some kind of fatal flaw that he compares to his future "One" as a reason to validate how awesome she is
More likely he will find someone else significantly younger than he is and then lose interest after a while. And then repeat that again.
My first made me too angry to miss. My second, though, I obsessed about for months. I even stalked her a little. I was, what, 23? When you have little experience, you have no way to evaluate your situation--nothing to compare it to. Now way to know that it could be a lot better. My second actually came back. That's what it took to realize that what I missed wasn't really her. I missed some fantasy of what I'd lost, and she didn't really fit into it. We broke up again soon afterwards and I was cured.
posted by Obscure Reference at 5:12 AM on April 10, 2013 [3 favorites]
More likely he will find someone else significantly younger than he is and then lose interest after a while. And then repeat that again.
My first made me too angry to miss. My second, though, I obsessed about for months. I even stalked her a little. I was, what, 23? When you have little experience, you have no way to evaluate your situation--nothing to compare it to. Now way to know that it could be a lot better. My second actually came back. That's what it took to realize that what I missed wasn't really her. I missed some fantasy of what I'd lost, and she didn't really fit into it. We broke up again soon afterwards and I was cured.
posted by Obscure Reference at 5:12 AM on April 10, 2013 [3 favorites]
When you think of the chemistry you had and the feelings you felt with him, instead of feeling the anguish and feeling like you want to do prove him wrong, try to remember that you will have that chemistry and those feelings again--with someone else. That's something to look forward to.
posted by benbenson at 5:26 AM on April 10, 2013
posted by benbenson at 5:26 AM on April 10, 2013
I just don't know what I have to offer people.
i think this is the key thing here. you have to find out what that is and embrace it fully. you probably have more than you are giving yourself credit for, and there may be reasons as to why you don't see it. other people mentioned therapy - this can help you figure out why there is such a lack of self esteem, and how you can rebuild it. believing in yourself in necessary before you can really be with others in a healthy way. when you have faith in yourself and what you have to offer, then others will want to reciprocate.
i've definitely gone through phases in my life where i fixate too much on one other person. as time went on and that person was phased out of my life i was able to recenter. i find focusing on multiple people to be helpful - not lovers, but friends. family. even acquaintances. enjoying everyone around me for the little reasons that i am drawn to them, and appreciating them for just that. noting what i admire in people, and what i don't. also, giving as much as i am given. love is an amazing thing that manifests itself in many ways.
posted by cristinacristinacristina at 6:04 AM on April 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
i think this is the key thing here. you have to find out what that is and embrace it fully. you probably have more than you are giving yourself credit for, and there may be reasons as to why you don't see it. other people mentioned therapy - this can help you figure out why there is such a lack of self esteem, and how you can rebuild it. believing in yourself in necessary before you can really be with others in a healthy way. when you have faith in yourself and what you have to offer, then others will want to reciprocate.
i've definitely gone through phases in my life where i fixate too much on one other person. as time went on and that person was phased out of my life i was able to recenter. i find focusing on multiple people to be helpful - not lovers, but friends. family. even acquaintances. enjoying everyone around me for the little reasons that i am drawn to them, and appreciating them for just that. noting what i admire in people, and what i don't. also, giving as much as i am given. love is an amazing thing that manifests itself in many ways.
posted by cristinacristinacristina at 6:04 AM on April 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
Even if I won't be able to get his approval or reaction, it's like I'm saying, "I going to do this, learn that, travel here, and do all these things just to prove to him that I am not what he thinks I am. I'm going to become the perfect person that he would have wanted to associate with."
Oh yeah, this is common -- but to be avoided. It's such an illusion, right?, because it's not like he's going to say "oh wait, she learned to ski? now we're perfect for each other!" He's sitting there in your head as the person whose approval you're trying to win, but in reality it's impossible!
Honestly, what you want is for your approval to come from yourself and to find someone you dig who approves of you just the way you are. Maybe you could snap out of your current situation by focusing on the ways that you didn't approve of him, and trying to shift into trying to become who you want to be.
posted by salvia at 6:08 AM on April 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
Oh yeah, this is common -- but to be avoided. It's such an illusion, right?, because it's not like he's going to say "oh wait, she learned to ski? now we're perfect for each other!" He's sitting there in your head as the person whose approval you're trying to win, but in reality it's impossible!
Honestly, what you want is for your approval to come from yourself and to find someone you dig who approves of you just the way you are. Maybe you could snap out of your current situation by focusing on the ways that you didn't approve of him, and trying to shift into trying to become who you want to be.
posted by salvia at 6:08 AM on April 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
If you can create pain with your mind, you can create relief with your mind.
You were likely too attracted to the idea of him than him in reality. All those feelings, the ability to be attracted and comfortable---those things are inside you. It likely didn't really have anything to do with the reality of who he is.
You will get over him. His being your first doesn't make him special, especially since he turned out to be a jerk who made you feel bad. And, if it helps you want to throw up when you think of him, imagine him sleeping with tons of random girls and ending up with searing herpetic lesions and boils on his penis and balls that won't stop weeping with yellow pus. You'll gag every time you think of him and you won't want him physically anymore at all.
posted by discopolo at 6:49 AM on April 10, 2013
You were likely too attracted to the idea of him than him in reality. All those feelings, the ability to be attracted and comfortable---those things are inside you. It likely didn't really have anything to do with the reality of who he is.
You will get over him. His being your first doesn't make him special, especially since he turned out to be a jerk who made you feel bad. And, if it helps you want to throw up when you think of him, imagine him sleeping with tons of random girls and ending up with searing herpetic lesions and boils on his penis and balls that won't stop weeping with yellow pus. You'll gag every time you think of him and you won't want him physically anymore at all.
posted by discopolo at 6:49 AM on April 10, 2013
Also, his judgement doesn't matter. Guys who have a long line of girlfriends---it reflects worse on him than it does you. You were the committed one. You were the one able to create an intimate and loyal relationship with him and you treated him in a loving way. These are all good and healthy things. So you're now an ex-girlfriend joining a line of past girlfriends, it doesn't matter. He was a practice run for the awesome relationship you'll have later.
Also, you're one of the women who dodged getting stuck with him. You're like the woman who unknowingly escaped the serial killer by taking a different way home that one night. Your ex is likely not going to ever change his bad habits and everything awful about him is going to be someone else's problem. Also, men don't really age well (they don't use facial moisturizer or sunscreen as frequently), so if you didn't think he was attractive now, it'll probably get worse. 8 yrs older and all
In short, you're the lucky one. And now you have experience:-)
posted by discopolo at 6:56 AM on April 10, 2013
Also, you're one of the women who dodged getting stuck with him. You're like the woman who unknowingly escaped the serial killer by taking a different way home that one night. Your ex is likely not going to ever change his bad habits and everything awful about him is going to be someone else's problem. Also, men don't really age well (they don't use facial moisturizer or sunscreen as frequently), so if you didn't think he was attractive now, it'll probably get worse. 8 yrs older and all
In short, you're the lucky one. And now you have experience:-)
posted by discopolo at 6:56 AM on April 10, 2013
I'm saying lover as in sex partner I guess, not love because I didn't love him.
So you didn't love him? So it was just sex, more or less? Well sex is magical, but that magic is not confined to the first person you sleep with. You'd be surprised how little this dude matters once there's someone else (and someone else, and someone else, and...). Not saying you have to sleep around a bit (tho obv that's up to you), but you'd be surprised how quickly this guy's memory fades once there's another in the picture. So stop worrying about him and find some one else (easier said than done, I know).
I lost my virginity to someone who didn't matter. Not great, in retrospect, but you move on. Don't overthink this, there's more to life than just your first.
I will be one of his past flings who had some kind of fatal flaw
Dudes collecting flings aren't worried about fatal flaws, they're only looking for more flings. This is not a reflection on you.
Generally being an annoying and boring person
Work on loving yourself, too. You have things to offer new partners, don't forget that.
Also:
Real hobbies, particularly ones with a built-in community. You sound lonely. My first relationship was co-dependent and when I "zoomed out" from that experience I rediscovered my friends and how much satisfaction in life I could get from them, not just from Meaningful Interactions With My One True Love.
This.
Also, generally:
You will get over him. You will get over him. Just a guy today. What does April 2014 look like? Not this guy.
Good luck.
posted by charlemangy at 7:25 AM on April 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
So you didn't love him? So it was just sex, more or less? Well sex is magical, but that magic is not confined to the first person you sleep with. You'd be surprised how little this dude matters once there's someone else (and someone else, and someone else, and...). Not saying you have to sleep around a bit (tho obv that's up to you), but you'd be surprised how quickly this guy's memory fades once there's another in the picture. So stop worrying about him and find some one else (easier said than done, I know).
I lost my virginity to someone who didn't matter. Not great, in retrospect, but you move on. Don't overthink this, there's more to life than just your first.
I will be one of his past flings who had some kind of fatal flaw
Dudes collecting flings aren't worried about fatal flaws, they're only looking for more flings. This is not a reflection on you.
Generally being an annoying and boring person
Work on loving yourself, too. You have things to offer new partners, don't forget that.
Also:
Real hobbies, particularly ones with a built-in community. You sound lonely. My first relationship was co-dependent and when I "zoomed out" from that experience I rediscovered my friends and how much satisfaction in life I could get from them, not just from Meaningful Interactions With My One True Love.
This.
Also, generally:
You will get over him. You will get over him. Just a guy today. What does April 2014 look like? Not this guy.
Good luck.
posted by charlemangy at 7:25 AM on April 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
I've been there too. Time, new experiences, distractions, and lots of exercise all help. Good luck--it'll get better!
posted by Edna Million at 7:47 AM on April 10, 2013
posted by Edna Million at 7:47 AM on April 10, 2013
I think there is one lesson you can learn from this, which you can bring with you in the future. Sex bonds you to a person emotionally. It makes it harder and more time consuming to get over them. So in the future, know that about yourself/emotions and make a careful choice about who to have sex with.
This guy? I don't know him enough to judge, but a few details in your post make him seem like a complete scumbag. He apparently had sex with a virgin 8 years younger, and "faded" after a few months, at times ignoring you. Good guys don't "fade" on people, and good guys don't typically get into sexual relationships with younger virgins unless they're in it for the relatively long haul.
Don't think about proving yourself to someone who hasn't proven himself to you. You are demonstrating low self esteem in this post, which is probably normal at your age and gender. If you have a strong mom, older sister, or friend (strong being the key word), you can talk to them and listen to what they say. They'll probably say stuff like this guy wasn't so great, he wasn't the right person, you should stop thinking about him, and it'll fade with time. They will probably tell you what's great about you and why you are an excellent person, worthy of love and respect, and perfect as you are. Listen to them.
I'm sorry you are going through something painful.
posted by htid at 7:58 AM on April 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
This guy? I don't know him enough to judge, but a few details in your post make him seem like a complete scumbag. He apparently had sex with a virgin 8 years younger, and "faded" after a few months, at times ignoring you. Good guys don't "fade" on people, and good guys don't typically get into sexual relationships with younger virgins unless they're in it for the relatively long haul.
Don't think about proving yourself to someone who hasn't proven himself to you. You are demonstrating low self esteem in this post, which is probably normal at your age and gender. If you have a strong mom, older sister, or friend (strong being the key word), you can talk to them and listen to what they say. They'll probably say stuff like this guy wasn't so great, he wasn't the right person, you should stop thinking about him, and it'll fade with time. They will probably tell you what's great about you and why you are an excellent person, worthy of love and respect, and perfect as you are. Listen to them.
I'm sorry you are going through something painful.
posted by htid at 7:58 AM on April 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
I don't believe you ever forget your first love...
Also, nope. I still think of my first "love," as in my first significant other who I cuddled with for a couple of years and did couply things with, and with whom the relationship ended amicably enough.
My first hormonally-induced obsession over a lame person who did not treat me well? I forgot that with a Fierceness. I forgot it the second I met someone better. Based on the description of the guy, this OP will surely meet someone better.
posted by htid at 8:01 AM on April 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
Also, nope. I still think of my first "love," as in my first significant other who I cuddled with for a couple of years and did couply things with, and with whom the relationship ended amicably enough.
My first hormonally-induced obsession over a lame person who did not treat me well? I forgot that with a Fierceness. I forgot it the second I met someone better. Based on the description of the guy, this OP will surely meet someone better.
posted by htid at 8:01 AM on April 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
Go be interesting. Not fake interesting, like pretending you're the heiress to an oil company or whatever, but go *do* things and acquire skills and experiences. Take a painting class. Join Toastmasters. Volunteer.
Going and doing things in the world will give you a) confidence, b) something more worthwhile to do with your time and attention, c) business and life connections you simply cannot get any other way. It will escalate the quality of people you are exposed to on a day to day basis too, because not only will you be more interesting, you'll be hanging out with more interesting people.
Consider: you're meeting up with two girlfriends for lunch. You ask them what they've been up to lately. One says "oh, not much." The other shows you a picture of the horrible watercolor she just finished in her Tuesday evening class, saying she can't paint a tree to save her life but all the other people in the class are hilarious so she keeps going. Also, she's going to be manning a water station at the local Fun Run this weekend, and you should come hang out because hot running guys.
Which one of those two would you rather hang out with? Which one would you rather be?
You said yourself this guy wasn't a boyfriend, you didn't love him, he didn't particularly like you all that much. Why are you choosing to allow him so much real estate in your head? Go use that space for shelter puppies or Spanish classes. Choose something else.
I'm Facebook friends with my first. He's still kind of an asshole. Losing your virginity to someone does not bestow extra personality points on them, or make them magical, or even make them nice. Choose better-quality people to sleep with in the future and you will suffer less when those relationships end (and most of them will), because you won't be jerked around so badly.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:09 AM on April 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
Going and doing things in the world will give you a) confidence, b) something more worthwhile to do with your time and attention, c) business and life connections you simply cannot get any other way. It will escalate the quality of people you are exposed to on a day to day basis too, because not only will you be more interesting, you'll be hanging out with more interesting people.
Consider: you're meeting up with two girlfriends for lunch. You ask them what they've been up to lately. One says "oh, not much." The other shows you a picture of the horrible watercolor she just finished in her Tuesday evening class, saying she can't paint a tree to save her life but all the other people in the class are hilarious so she keeps going. Also, she's going to be manning a water station at the local Fun Run this weekend, and you should come hang out because hot running guys.
Which one of those two would you rather hang out with? Which one would you rather be?
You said yourself this guy wasn't a boyfriend, you didn't love him, he didn't particularly like you all that much. Why are you choosing to allow him so much real estate in your head? Go use that space for shelter puppies or Spanish classes. Choose something else.
I'm Facebook friends with my first. He's still kind of an asshole. Losing your virginity to someone does not bestow extra personality points on them, or make them magical, or even make them nice. Choose better-quality people to sleep with in the future and you will suffer less when those relationships end (and most of them will), because you won't be jerked around so badly.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:09 AM on April 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
First things first, relationships don't work out for a lot of reasons, none of them is: "The girl just wasn't perfect enough for me. If only she were perfect, then I'd love her."
You had a very nice sexual relationship. That's all. It may be that the man will never be emotionally available to ANYONE. It may be that he wasn't emotionally available when he was with you. You'll never know and frankly, it doesn't matter.
You are laboring under an impression that somehow you must change yourself into someone deserving of a relationship, and because this one person didn't want that, you must have some flaw that must be corrected. Knock it off! That's stupid.
Everyone deserves to have a great relationship, if that's what they want, and no one has to change a thing about themselves to get one!
Dumb people have relationships, ugly people have relationships, needy people have relationships, mean people have relationships. There's a lid for every pot.
So as others have said, work on things that please you. What activities do you enjoy? What do you like to do with your time? Instead of sitting around, allowing this undeserving person to live in your head rent-free, fill your free time with amazing experiences!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:45 AM on April 10, 2013 [5 favorites]
You had a very nice sexual relationship. That's all. It may be that the man will never be emotionally available to ANYONE. It may be that he wasn't emotionally available when he was with you. You'll never know and frankly, it doesn't matter.
You are laboring under an impression that somehow you must change yourself into someone deserving of a relationship, and because this one person didn't want that, you must have some flaw that must be corrected. Knock it off! That's stupid.
Everyone deserves to have a great relationship, if that's what they want, and no one has to change a thing about themselves to get one!
Dumb people have relationships, ugly people have relationships, needy people have relationships, mean people have relationships. There's a lid for every pot.
So as others have said, work on things that please you. What activities do you enjoy? What do you like to do with your time? Instead of sitting around, allowing this undeserving person to live in your head rent-free, fill your free time with amazing experiences!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:45 AM on April 10, 2013 [5 favorites]
Your narrative describes your inner architecture more than it does his. You have taken some lovely things from this experience, and they hint at the possibilities in future encounters. You may count yourself among the lucky persons who have the capacity and sensibility to recognize and appreciate this encounter. Also, you seem to understand that the experience was, by far, not the most comprehensive description of the emotional possibilities open to you.
Your future is awesome: Odds are good that somewhere in your future there is a soulmate. I presume to believe that you've not yet created a strict image of how this relationship will be defined, who exactly who will ring your bell. (not all people want or need monogamous relationships) It seems to me that you will bring the lucky persons in your future the gift of awareness and appreciation; move along, add to your memories. Be aware that some version of heart-ache is probably part of your life's journey, but that it won't be your defining moment. Your capacity to cherish sweetness can be much more powerful than any setbacks you may encounter. The trick is to notice the good, and account for it.
I wish you love and happiness.
posted by mule98J at 11:15 AM on April 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
Your future is awesome: Odds are good that somewhere in your future there is a soulmate. I presume to believe that you've not yet created a strict image of how this relationship will be defined, who exactly who will ring your bell. (not all people want or need monogamous relationships) It seems to me that you will bring the lucky persons in your future the gift of awareness and appreciation; move along, add to your memories. Be aware that some version of heart-ache is probably part of your life's journey, but that it won't be your defining moment. Your capacity to cherish sweetness can be much more powerful than any setbacks you may encounter. The trick is to notice the good, and account for it.
I wish you love and happiness.
posted by mule98J at 11:15 AM on April 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
I know I did some things wrong that I will work on in future interactions e.g. insecurity, venting to people who aren't therapists and don't want to hear it, and generally being an annoying and boring person.
Those things are not mistakes, they are called "being human."
I suggest you grieve and accept the pain that it isn't going to work out. The first time is really hard. But you will get over it with time. It isn't that you weren't as good as others. There's no yardstick. Its frankly, dumb luck that love is built on.
posted by Ironmouth at 12:58 PM on April 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
Those things are not mistakes, they are called "being human."
I suggest you grieve and accept the pain that it isn't going to work out. The first time is really hard. But you will get over it with time. It isn't that you weren't as good as others. There's no yardstick. Its frankly, dumb luck that love is built on.
posted by Ironmouth at 12:58 PM on April 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
Many years ago, I was a foreign exchange student. I lived in a city of around a million people in Bolivia. There were around a dozen exchange students living in the city, but we lived far apart, so we only met up every now and then to check up on each other and swap stories, etc.
After a few months, it because crystal clear which of us were doing well and which weren't, and the reason seemed pretty obvious to me. Some of us embraced our new lives overseas. Others tried to hang on to their lives back in the U.S. But it was impossible have both. Those who tried to hang on to their lives back home ended up being unable to adapt to the lives they were actually living in Bolivia. One by one, they failed and left the program early, going back home instead of staying in Bolivia for a year. Some were gone in as few as three months.
Why do I mention this? I mention it because I've noticed the same pattern when it comes to how people get over a relationship. Some people don't know how to adapt to a new life without the relationship. They keep going to the places they went with their ex. They keep doing the things they did with the ex. It's like they're still in the relationship, but the other person is gone and it creates an emptiness that makes them miserable. The end of a relationship means change, so embrace change. Create as much positive change as you can and you'll end up focussing more on the good than the bad.
That's how you get over a relationship: You change your life and adapt. If you and your ex used to go to a certain restaurant a lot, STOP GOING THERE. Find a new place. If you and your ex shared a certain hobby, give it a break for a while - maybe a long while. Rediscover other hobbies and interests. Don't just accept that you're single again. EMBRACE it. And while you're making these changes, change your home too. Rearrange the furniture. Paint the walls. Buy new art. Buy new bedding. If the first thing you see when you walk in the door or when you wake up in the morning is the same old place minus your ex, it'll make you sad. But if the first thing you see is change, you end up tricking yourself into embracing the change, and that's a good thing.
Embrace the change. Find new hobbies. Find new habits. Meet new people. Rekindle old friendships.
posted by 2oh1 at 3:18 PM on April 10, 2013 [4 favorites]
After a few months, it because crystal clear which of us were doing well and which weren't, and the reason seemed pretty obvious to me. Some of us embraced our new lives overseas. Others tried to hang on to their lives back in the U.S. But it was impossible have both. Those who tried to hang on to their lives back home ended up being unable to adapt to the lives they were actually living in Bolivia. One by one, they failed and left the program early, going back home instead of staying in Bolivia for a year. Some were gone in as few as three months.
Why do I mention this? I mention it because I've noticed the same pattern when it comes to how people get over a relationship. Some people don't know how to adapt to a new life without the relationship. They keep going to the places they went with their ex. They keep doing the things they did with the ex. It's like they're still in the relationship, but the other person is gone and it creates an emptiness that makes them miserable. The end of a relationship means change, so embrace change. Create as much positive change as you can and you'll end up focussing more on the good than the bad.
That's how you get over a relationship: You change your life and adapt. If you and your ex used to go to a certain restaurant a lot, STOP GOING THERE. Find a new place. If you and your ex shared a certain hobby, give it a break for a while - maybe a long while. Rediscover other hobbies and interests. Don't just accept that you're single again. EMBRACE it. And while you're making these changes, change your home too. Rearrange the furniture. Paint the walls. Buy new art. Buy new bedding. If the first thing you see when you walk in the door or when you wake up in the morning is the same old place minus your ex, it'll make you sad. But if the first thing you see is change, you end up tricking yourself into embracing the change, and that's a good thing.
Embrace the change. Find new hobbies. Find new habits. Meet new people. Rekindle old friendships.
posted by 2oh1 at 3:18 PM on April 10, 2013 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: I messed up on my education because of factors unrelated to him, and I am going to refocus on that, but I can't until the fall. I'm changing fields anyway, so I would have had to leave that specialized school at some point.
posted by wholecornandsalt at 5:04 PM on April 10, 2013
posted by wholecornandsalt at 5:04 PM on April 10, 2013
Best answer: So I had two broken hearts in my twenties. One was my first real boyfriend when I was 23 and the other I was 28 with guy who, I somewhat stupidly, really thought I would marry. They were both viscerally painful experience and it hurt too because in both instances they broke up with me.
Both times I was an inconsolable mess and it felt like the kind of thing that I would never get over. And of course I had real, terrifying fears of never finding someone to love again.
The good news is that broken hearts aren't permanent. It's not the kind of loss that will haunt you forever, I promise. Something unimaginably terrible like having a kid or a spouse die on you is the kind of thing that might take years to become functional again. A run of the mill broken heart is just a temporary blip in life (and if it's not then you really do need therapy).
So how did I get over it? Well, you might not like my answer but I just lived my life. I went to class, I went to work, I saw my friends, I traveled, I ran, I read, I dated again before I was ready (which is how I met my husband!!). And slowly, the pain lessened, and then lessened some more, until yeah one day I didn't think of my ex at all. Even though I loved both of them very much, I can't even access those feelings anymore. One of them is still a friend and I care for him and wish him well, but I don't feel anything like romantic love. And the other I don't really even like (once I got some distance I could see that he wasn't a good person).
So here I am more than a decade down the road, telling you everything will be fine.
posted by bananafish at 10:15 PM on April 10, 2013 [5 favorites]
Both times I was an inconsolable mess and it felt like the kind of thing that I would never get over. And of course I had real, terrifying fears of never finding someone to love again.
The good news is that broken hearts aren't permanent. It's not the kind of loss that will haunt you forever, I promise. Something unimaginably terrible like having a kid or a spouse die on you is the kind of thing that might take years to become functional again. A run of the mill broken heart is just a temporary blip in life (and if it's not then you really do need therapy).
So how did I get over it? Well, you might not like my answer but I just lived my life. I went to class, I went to work, I saw my friends, I traveled, I ran, I read, I dated again before I was ready (which is how I met my husband!!). And slowly, the pain lessened, and then lessened some more, until yeah one day I didn't think of my ex at all. Even though I loved both of them very much, I can't even access those feelings anymore. One of them is still a friend and I care for him and wish him well, but I don't feel anything like romantic love. And the other I don't really even like (once I got some distance I could see that he wasn't a good person).
So here I am more than a decade down the road, telling you everything will be fine.
posted by bananafish at 10:15 PM on April 10, 2013 [5 favorites]
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By your own account, this guy does not merit this much thought, so yes, I would seek therapy. Sleeping with "lots of people" is not going to help you.
posted by chaiminda at 3:35 AM on April 10, 2013 [3 favorites]