How to talk about odiforous intimate parts
August 21, 2012 9:20 AM Subscribe
How do you go about asking the girlfriend about the way her lady-bits smell?
Both mid-30s, 6-month-ish monogamous heterosexual relationship. My girlfriend's vagina has a distinct odor to it- I've ready the previous Asks that I could find on the subject, and while it doesn't seem to fit any of those answers (either "yeasty" or "fishy"), it is pungently strong. Like, I can smell it when she opens her legs when we're in bed strong, even if our heads are together. It's almost, but not quite, like body odor, but in a "fresh" sweat sort of way, not like an old gym shirt. It doesn't come off of my hands for a day or two after we've been together, washing with soap immediately afterward or not.
I'm reasonably experienced when it comes to being with women, and I know there's a wide range of smells/tastes, but this one's off the side of the scale. It's not *always* bad, but it usually is. This is troubling, because I can't bring myself to go down on her, which in turns means she doesn't go down on me (which I don't blame her for), and I don't want to give up either one of those things in the long term.
She has trouble talking about this sort of thing, and I have yet to bring it up- I've been dodging the issue (I know, I know, skip right on by that, please). She may have no idea that this isn't the normal state of affairs (and if it is for her, that's something we need to establish). I'm not interested in diagnosing the problem here- her and I can work on that together after we acknowledge that it is problem.
My question: if you were her, what is the best, most delicate, most caring way I can bring this up? What's the best time? In bed? At breakfast? On a walk? I'm at a loss here.
Both mid-30s, 6-month-ish monogamous heterosexual relationship. My girlfriend's vagina has a distinct odor to it- I've ready the previous Asks that I could find on the subject, and while it doesn't seem to fit any of those answers (either "yeasty" or "fishy"), it is pungently strong. Like, I can smell it when she opens her legs when we're in bed strong, even if our heads are together. It's almost, but not quite, like body odor, but in a "fresh" sweat sort of way, not like an old gym shirt. It doesn't come off of my hands for a day or two after we've been together, washing with soap immediately afterward or not.
I'm reasonably experienced when it comes to being with women, and I know there's a wide range of smells/tastes, but this one's off the side of the scale. It's not *always* bad, but it usually is. This is troubling, because I can't bring myself to go down on her, which in turns means she doesn't go down on me (which I don't blame her for), and I don't want to give up either one of those things in the long term.
She has trouble talking about this sort of thing, and I have yet to bring it up- I've been dodging the issue (I know, I know, skip right on by that, please). She may have no idea that this isn't the normal state of affairs (and if it is for her, that's something we need to establish). I'm not interested in diagnosing the problem here- her and I can work on that together after we acknowledge that it is problem.
My question: if you were her, what is the best, most delicate, most caring way I can bring this up? What's the best time? In bed? At breakfast? On a walk? I'm at a loss here.
Bringing this up in a critical context is going to be bad news. What you need to do is clue her in to your preferences and then use positive reinforcement to get her on board. Take a shower together, scrub her down (romantically), adjourn to the bedroom, go down on her, effusively compliment her on how good she tastes. Rinse, repeat.
posted by milk white peacock at 9:32 AM on August 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by milk white peacock at 9:32 AM on August 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
Definitely talk to her in the bright light of day when sexytime is far off.
Do you guys freshen up before intimacy? Might try that.
Also, take baths and showers together!
posted by royalsong at 9:33 AM on August 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
Do you guys freshen up before intimacy? Might try that.
Also, take baths and showers together!
posted by royalsong at 9:33 AM on August 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
Yeah, the thing is - this might not be something that will ever change. Some people are just more, um. Strongly-scented, I guess? If it's not cycling on roughly the same schedule as her periods, and if she's not on a regular medication, there may not be anything that she can do about this.
Do you notice any kind of difference right after she showers? Either way, I would probably address this as a potential medical issue of concern.
The one time I unfortunately had to have this conversation with someone, I told her that "something was maybe going on downstairs" that was causing a tingly sensation in my mouth afterwards, which was not best way to approach it, as she freaked out a lot.
posted by elizardbits at 9:33 AM on August 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
Do you notice any kind of difference right after she showers? Either way, I would probably address this as a potential medical issue of concern.
The one time I unfortunately had to have this conversation with someone, I told her that "something was maybe going on downstairs" that was causing a tingly sensation in my mouth afterwards, which was not best way to approach it, as she freaked out a lot.
posted by elizardbits at 9:33 AM on August 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
Is it that way right after she showers/bathes as well? Is she using strongly scented soaps?
I'd like to say you should be able to just bring it up and talk it rationally and matter of factly, but I frankly don't know how that would work... I'm a woman and if a man said that to me I would be horrified and very embarrassed. That doesn't mean you shouldn't do it, but rather you need to be prepared for awkwardness.
As others have suggested, addressing it as a concern for her health (which is legitimate) is probably your only option. You can do the whole taking a sexy bath together and then afterwards, assuming her lady bits don't have a strong smell at that point, you go on about how much you love the clean smell etc, but that seems like a indirect and insincere route.
posted by gwenlister at 9:34 AM on August 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
I'd like to say you should be able to just bring it up and talk it rationally and matter of factly, but I frankly don't know how that would work... I'm a woman and if a man said that to me I would be horrified and very embarrassed. That doesn't mean you shouldn't do it, but rather you need to be prepared for awkwardness.
As others have suggested, addressing it as a concern for her health (which is legitimate) is probably your only option. You can do the whole taking a sexy bath together and then afterwards, assuming her lady bits don't have a strong smell at that point, you go on about how much you love the clean smell etc, but that seems like a indirect and insincere route.
posted by gwenlister at 9:34 AM on August 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
Probably not in bed. I like "on a walk", except that might mean other people in earshot depending on where you are walking. I basically like the idea of doing so while side by side doing something else conducive to talking. I once had a difficult talk with my mom while we did dishes together. It went very well and my mom can be a tough person to talk to.
I have a medical condition that impacts my lady parts. I married the second guy I slept with and he had no more experience than I had, so we didn't know it wasn't normal. I had to nearly die to get diagnosed. Please find a way to tell her it is not normal and you would like her to know that in case there is a mystery health issue behind it.
It might help to let her know one of your goals is you would like to go down on her but this is a problem. I think expressing concern for her health and desire to improve your sex life should make this easier to hear.
posted by Michele in California at 9:36 AM on August 21, 2012
I have a medical condition that impacts my lady parts. I married the second guy I slept with and he had no more experience than I had, so we didn't know it wasn't normal. I had to nearly die to get diagnosed. Please find a way to tell her it is not normal and you would like her to know that in case there is a mystery health issue behind it.
It might help to let her know one of your goals is you would like to go down on her but this is a problem. I think expressing concern for her health and desire to improve your sex life should make this easier to hear.
posted by Michele in California at 9:36 AM on August 21, 2012
The standard answer around here is "not in bed" for sex or intimacy issues and I'd have to agree here.
I think you should be careful with the "I just noticed this" approach because then she might ask you how long it's been that way. I would ask that because I would be mentally trying to pinpoint what might have changed at that time, such as a change in soap or a particular time of my cycle or whatever. Then you're stuck because you might have to admit it's always been that way.
What you need to do is clue her in to your preferences and then use positive reinforcement to get her on board.
Um, no, unless you're sure it's just a hygiene issue. There are a variety of things that can cause an odor and if it's some kind of infection or STD that she's unaware of, then she should be getting it treated.
posted by cabingirl at 9:36 AM on August 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
I think you should be careful with the "I just noticed this" approach because then she might ask you how long it's been that way. I would ask that because I would be mentally trying to pinpoint what might have changed at that time, such as a change in soap or a particular time of my cycle or whatever. Then you're stuck because you might have to admit it's always been that way.
What you need to do is clue her in to your preferences and then use positive reinforcement to get her on board.
Um, no, unless you're sure it's just a hygiene issue. There are a variety of things that can cause an odor and if it's some kind of infection or STD that she's unaware of, then she should be getting it treated.
posted by cabingirl at 9:36 AM on August 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
What kind of underwear does she wear? It could be that she's wearing sometching that doesn't breathe (almost anything but cotton) and that is what is causing the smell. Then you can go about addressing the underwear problem, which might go better than addressing it as a body or hygiene problem.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:37 AM on August 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:37 AM on August 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
Also, my partner and I always freshen up prior to sexy times. We both are a bit cleanliness happy, and every sexy time is forwarded with teethbrushing and junk washing. We've both just always done it and it rocks.
posted by gwenlister at 9:38 AM on August 21, 2012
posted by gwenlister at 9:38 AM on August 21, 2012
As an owner of this equipment, I'd want to know if something smelled "off" to my partner, but I don't know if Admiral Haddock's response works because you've been avoiding the territory beneath the equator and making excuses for the last six months. So she likely knows something is up. But you do have to level with her—if only because she might actually have something medical going on down there.
When you talk to her about this, I would make sure to stress that it's not a BAD smell, it's just a powerful one.
By the way, does she eat enough food during the day? I had a partner who didn't eat enough and I believe the resulting ketosis caused her breath and her vaginal secretions to smell very strong and strange. Sort of like chicken stock. It had nothing to do with her hygiene
posted by Lieber Frau at 9:44 AM on August 21, 2012 [5 favorites]
When you talk to her about this, I would make sure to stress that it's not a BAD smell, it's just a powerful one.
By the way, does she eat enough food during the day? I had a partner who didn't eat enough and I believe the resulting ketosis caused her breath and her vaginal secretions to smell very strong and strange. Sort of like chicken stock. It had nothing to do with her hygiene
posted by Lieber Frau at 9:44 AM on August 21, 2012 [5 favorites]
Nthing not in bed. Also not out in public, as on a walk.
I think it's ok to preface the conversation with something like, "I need to talk to you about something important, but I feel really awkward because I'm afraid it's going to make you feel bad. I want to let you know that that is the last thing I'd ever want to do, because I love you." Framing your concern as a health issue is good, but also put a BIG helping of "I love you, I love being sexy with you, I love your body, I want to address this because I want to be closer/more sexual/more intimate with you." in short, deliver this tough message with as much love and compassion and affirmation as you can.
posted by Sublimity at 9:44 AM on August 21, 2012 [26 favorites]
I think it's ok to preface the conversation with something like, "I need to talk to you about something important, but I feel really awkward because I'm afraid it's going to make you feel bad. I want to let you know that that is the last thing I'd ever want to do, because I love you." Framing your concern as a health issue is good, but also put a BIG helping of "I love you, I love being sexy with you, I love your body, I want to address this because I want to be closer/more sexual/more intimate with you." in short, deliver this tough message with as much love and compassion and affirmation as you can.
posted by Sublimity at 9:44 AM on August 21, 2012 [26 favorites]
My lady bits started to smell different when I had a bit of a UTI, , it took me 3 months to get around to going to the doctors and that was only when I started to get other symptoms. So having said that even though you didn't want to diagnose, I would really suggest bringing it up as a health issue because it might be one. Definitely not while in bed, I always like to talk about things while out walking so if there is no one around that's a good time and keep it completely in the realms of I am worried about your health. Then if she gets it checked out and it's not a health problem, she will be aware that there is something amiss down there in a way that seems not threatening and she can make any changes to her cleanliness, or whatever is needed, quietly and without being embarrassed.
posted by wwax at 9:46 AM on August 21, 2012
posted by wwax at 9:46 AM on August 21, 2012
Not in bed, not in public, sometime when you're just kicking around home having a conversation. Bring up a related topic that isn't about her - like "I was just reading this thing about how diet can affect semen flavor" - and segue from there.
posted by aimedwander at 9:47 AM on August 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by aimedwander at 9:47 AM on August 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
I was on the receiving end of a similar conversation in regards to my breath. I take a medication that dries my mouth out and at times I have to do some work to keep my breath smelling good for intimate times. I was not aware of it at all in the beginnning. I felt terrible and embarrassed at first. Thinking back about it, there was really no great way for my husband to tell me. I do definitely vote for the not in bed route though. However, reassuring her that you still care for/love her and that you still find her attractive will help, as it helped me a lot. One thing that helps me now is taking pro-biotics (good bacteria in capsule form) and drinking a lot of water and eating well. All in all, of course I am glad he told me and we have a deal that he can tell me in a nice way if it is bothering him and I can tell him how best to tell me. It works out and now we even laugh about it.
posted by heatherly at 9:49 AM on August 21, 2012
posted by heatherly at 9:49 AM on August 21, 2012
Nthing the advice to not have this conversation while you're in bed. Talking about things like this while you're together in the car (assuming one of you is driving...do not do this in a cab, obviously) can be helpful in that no one has to make eye contact and no one can flee the scene immediately.
I would really, really recommend that you not use the words "not normal." You are not a doctor, you are not the arbiter of what is or isn't normal in terms of ladyparts--"normal" is a spectrum and a broad one, at that. Just say that it seems unusual/strong/etc. to you and that you're concerned for her health. And that you're so sorry to bring this up because you're not trying to make her feel bad, you just want to make sure that she's okay.
posted by corey flood at 10:02 AM on August 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
I would really, really recommend that you not use the words "not normal." You are not a doctor, you are not the arbiter of what is or isn't normal in terms of ladyparts--"normal" is a spectrum and a broad one, at that. Just say that it seems unusual/strong/etc. to you and that you're concerned for her health. And that you're so sorry to bring this up because you're not trying to make her feel bad, you just want to make sure that she's okay.
posted by corey flood at 10:02 AM on August 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
I feel for you. This is very awkward.
I went through something kinda similar, except I was the girlfriend in your situation. Lots of sex led to a three-month period of recurring UTIs, BV, and yeast infections (from the antibiotics to cure the first two). I let my boyfriend know what was up, and tried to stay on top of things, but it was a weird, seemingly never-ending cycle, and I felt pretty horrified the entire time, until my doctor and I were able to get it resolved.
What would have been more horrifying, though, is if I didn't know that it was going on, and he had spent six months, suffering silently.
If he had to bring it up, I am sure the conversation would be awkward and uncomfortable no matter what, but I think Sublimity has it: I think it's ok to preface the conversation with something like, "I need to talk to you about something important, but I feel really awkward because I'm afraid it's going to make you feel bad. I want to let you know that that is the last thing I'd ever want to do, because I love you." Framing your concern as a health issue is good, but also put a BIG helping of "I love you, I love being sexy with you, I love your body, I want to address this because I want to be closer/more sexual/more intimate with you." in short, deliver this tough message with as much love and compassion and affirmation as you can.
You need to craft the best oreo statement in the world: positive statement, awkward observation, positive conclusion. So: "I think you sexy/the bee's knees/the hottest thing ever," followed by "I noticed this thing," wrapped up with, "I say this because I want to be sure everything is okay, and so we can continue to have hot hot sex, and by the way, I think you're sexy" is the way to go here.
You need an oreo, heavy on the sweet, sweet cookies of positivity.
posted by sock puppet of mystery! at 10:03 AM on August 21, 2012 [5 favorites]
I went through something kinda similar, except I was the girlfriend in your situation. Lots of sex led to a three-month period of recurring UTIs, BV, and yeast infections (from the antibiotics to cure the first two). I let my boyfriend know what was up, and tried to stay on top of things, but it was a weird, seemingly never-ending cycle, and I felt pretty horrified the entire time, until my doctor and I were able to get it resolved.
What would have been more horrifying, though, is if I didn't know that it was going on, and he had spent six months, suffering silently.
If he had to bring it up, I am sure the conversation would be awkward and uncomfortable no matter what, but I think Sublimity has it: I think it's ok to preface the conversation with something like, "I need to talk to you about something important, but I feel really awkward because I'm afraid it's going to make you feel bad. I want to let you know that that is the last thing I'd ever want to do, because I love you." Framing your concern as a health issue is good, but also put a BIG helping of "I love you, I love being sexy with you, I love your body, I want to address this because I want to be closer/more sexual/more intimate with you." in short, deliver this tough message with as much love and compassion and affirmation as you can.
You need to craft the best oreo statement in the world: positive statement, awkward observation, positive conclusion. So: "I think you sexy/the bee's knees/the hottest thing ever," followed by "I noticed this thing," wrapped up with, "I say this because I want to be sure everything is okay, and so we can continue to have hot hot sex, and by the way, I think you're sexy" is the way to go here.
You need an oreo, heavy on the sweet, sweet cookies of positivity.
posted by sock puppet of mystery! at 10:03 AM on August 21, 2012 [5 favorites]
I dunno, I think this is really awkward but I would think prefacing it with loads of compliments would make it even more so. An oreo (otherwise known as a shit sandwich) makes the situation an even bigger deal than it needs to be and might get things blown out of proportion.
How about just a simple question asking if she's ever noticed that sometimes there's a strong smell that's 'not bad, just strong' and take things from there? Try to be as casual about it as you possibly can and hopefully she'll take it in stride. It's not certain she will, but hopefully. Personally I would prefer that to mixing something like this up with telling me you love me and I'm sexy. That should go without saying and if this isn't going to be a major thing shouldn't be at all called into question.
posted by hazyjane at 10:22 AM on August 21, 2012
How about just a simple question asking if she's ever noticed that sometimes there's a strong smell that's 'not bad, just strong' and take things from there? Try to be as casual about it as you possibly can and hopefully she'll take it in stride. It's not certain she will, but hopefully. Personally I would prefer that to mixing something like this up with telling me you love me and I'm sexy. That should go without saying and if this isn't going to be a major thing shouldn't be at all called into question.
posted by hazyjane at 10:22 AM on August 21, 2012
It's possible she may react defensively as a knee-jerk response, especially if she's been wondering if she smells okay or not. It would be important not to react defensively to her defensiveness. Let her get over the shock - stay calm and then focus on the outcome - what can we do to sort this out?
You: Hey, I'd like to bring up this sensitive issue I've noticed because I'd like for us to have the most fulfilling sex life possible. Would you be willing to look at options to make your private bits less strongly scented?
Her: But I wash and I do XYZ and this is just how I smell!
You: I understand this is delicate and you've been doing your best, and you have good hygeine. Would you be willing to consider options?
Her: I can't believe you'd bring this up! This is so embarrassing!
You: I just want us to have the most comfortable, intimate time possible. I think you're great and this is just a tiny issue that is keeping us from better enjoyment. Would you be willing to consider options?
Her: I'll think about it.
You: That'd be great. I think you're awesome. We can get through this together.
--
Offering to help pay for the cost of the doctor/various products (later on, maybe when she mentions an appointment or trying something, not in the initial discussion) would be nice. I really really hate that the cost of birth control and various lady issues falls squarely on the woman's shoulders and then the man just coasts along reaping the benefit. "Hey, spend hundreds of dollars deoderizing yourself for my enjoyment!!" - this is one way my jerkbrain would interpret your (perfectly reasonable) request.
For instance, if she finds a particular product that works, go buy her a case of that product.
posted by griselda at 10:51 AM on August 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
You: Hey, I'd like to bring up this sensitive issue I've noticed because I'd like for us to have the most fulfilling sex life possible. Would you be willing to look at options to make your private bits less strongly scented?
Her: But I wash and I do XYZ and this is just how I smell!
You: I understand this is delicate and you've been doing your best, and you have good hygeine. Would you be willing to consider options?
Her: I can't believe you'd bring this up! This is so embarrassing!
You: I just want us to have the most comfortable, intimate time possible. I think you're great and this is just a tiny issue that is keeping us from better enjoyment. Would you be willing to consider options?
Her: I'll think about it.
You: That'd be great. I think you're awesome. We can get through this together.
--
Offering to help pay for the cost of the doctor/various products (later on, maybe when she mentions an appointment or trying something, not in the initial discussion) would be nice. I really really hate that the cost of birth control and various lady issues falls squarely on the woman's shoulders and then the man just coasts along reaping the benefit. "Hey, spend hundreds of dollars deoderizing yourself for my enjoyment!!" - this is one way my jerkbrain would interpret your (perfectly reasonable) request.
For instance, if she finds a particular product that works, go buy her a case of that product.
posted by griselda at 10:51 AM on August 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
On second reading I realize buying her a case could be misconstrued... How about a gift assortment? A sampler? You get the idea.
(I guess I just like eliminating the hassle of needing to run out and buy more of X when I need it - especially something sensitive. I like the magical neverending supply of something that works.)
posted by griselda at 11:01 AM on August 21, 2012
(I guess I just like eliminating the hassle of needing to run out and buy more of X when I need it - especially something sensitive. I like the magical neverending supply of something that works.)
posted by griselda at 11:01 AM on August 21, 2012
It doesn't come off of my hands for a day or two after we've been together, washing with soap immediately afterward or not.
Wow, if it doesn't come off your hands for a day or two, it seems unlikely that she's going to get rid of it by taking a shower. This is a horrendously awkward situation, and I'm sorry for both of you. But given what you said above, I would approach it as a potential medical concern and not a hygiene issue (this has the added benefit of being less potentially insulting). Maybe don't bring up the oral sex issue, but just tell her exactly what you said here, that there is this obstinate odor that doesn't wash off easily, and you wonder if it's something to ask her doctor about?
To be honest I'd be horrified to be told this, however gently. But there is probably no way past this problem but through it, so go ahead and tell her as lovingly as you can. She'll likely be able to put 2 & 2 together about your heretofore limited sex life. I wouldn't make that part explicit, though, as there's no way to do it without making her feel presently undesirable, and that's just not going to help the conversation go well. Good luck to both of you!
posted by torticat at 11:08 AM on August 21, 2012
Wow, if it doesn't come off your hands for a day or two, it seems unlikely that she's going to get rid of it by taking a shower. This is a horrendously awkward situation, and I'm sorry for both of you. But given what you said above, I would approach it as a potential medical concern and not a hygiene issue (this has the added benefit of being less potentially insulting). Maybe don't bring up the oral sex issue, but just tell her exactly what you said here, that there is this obstinate odor that doesn't wash off easily, and you wonder if it's something to ask her doctor about?
To be honest I'd be horrified to be told this, however gently. But there is probably no way past this problem but through it, so go ahead and tell her as lovingly as you can. She'll likely be able to put 2 & 2 together about your heretofore limited sex life. I wouldn't make that part explicit, though, as there's no way to do it without making her feel presently undesirable, and that's just not going to help the conversation go well. Good luck to both of you!
posted by torticat at 11:08 AM on August 21, 2012
Also, re: the "won't wash off hands" situation - are you totally sure the smell is on your hands and not actually inside your nose?
posted by elizardbits at 11:10 AM on August 21, 2012 [9 favorites]
posted by elizardbits at 11:10 AM on August 21, 2012 [9 favorites]
I don't see the opening statement I suggested--about feeling awkward and not wanting to hurt her--as part of an "Oreo" (gosh, that's a much nicer phrase than "shit sandwich".) It's not buttering her up; it's essentially establishing that he's not an insensitive jerk before he says something that could be received as insensitive and jerky. Hey, if he were an insensitive jerk, he never would have asked this question!
posted by Sublimity at 11:43 AM on August 21, 2012
posted by Sublimity at 11:43 AM on August 21, 2012
I will mention just for data points that I had a girlfriend who went from smoker->non-smoker while I was dating her and her scent and flavor changed for the better.
Yes, it will be awkward. Be sure to be a good listener. Once you fire the first shot across the bow, she will likely have a lot to say that needs reinforcement and good active listening.
posted by plinth at 12:11 PM on August 21, 2012
Yes, it will be awkward. Be sure to be a good listener. Once you fire the first shot across the bow, she will likely have a lot to say that needs reinforcement and good active listening.
posted by plinth at 12:11 PM on August 21, 2012
There is a lot of good advice about approaching the conversation itself. A medical situation may be the issue, but another part of the story may just be diet. I bring this up as one avenue to (gently) help her explore. If there is something overwhelming prevalent in her diet, it will be eliminated from the body through the skin and normal secretions just as much as through regular elimination channels. The flip side is her normal overall scent may be affected by something she is not eating (not enough water, not eating during the day as mentioned above, etc).
It's great that you asked this question by the way, it shows that you really care for your gf. Best of luck with the conversation, and do check back in and let us know how it went.
posted by vignettist at 12:19 PM on August 21, 2012
It's great that you asked this question by the way, it shows that you really care for your gf. Best of luck with the conversation, and do check back in and let us know how it went.
posted by vignettist at 12:19 PM on August 21, 2012
Bringing this up in a critical context is going to be bad news. What you need to do is clue her in to your preferences and then use positive reinforcement to get her on board. Take a shower together, scrub her down (romantically), adjourn to the bedroom, go down on her, effusively compliment her on how good she tastes. Rinse, repeat.
posted by milk white peacock at 9:32 AM on August 21 [+] [!]
I am a woman and this is PURE GENIUS. DO THIS. Perhaps after a couple times, mention afterward how much you love going down on her freshly showered self and that you think about it all the time. If she likes receiving oral and enjoys your enthusiasm for it, she'll take the hint. Even if it doesn't mean a ritual shower everytime, this will just kind of make her more aware and maybe fresher for sexytimes in general.
Not to be dismissive, but if it was health-related and semi-serious, she'd know about it already. If it's just her normal scent, use the above route.
posted by Sayuri. at 12:22 PM on August 21, 2012
posted by milk white peacock at 9:32 AM on August 21 [+] [!]
I am a woman and this is PURE GENIUS. DO THIS. Perhaps after a couple times, mention afterward how much you love going down on her freshly showered self and that you think about it all the time. If she likes receiving oral and enjoys your enthusiasm for it, she'll take the hint. Even if it doesn't mean a ritual shower everytime, this will just kind of make her more aware and maybe fresher for sexytimes in general.
Not to be dismissive, but if it was health-related and semi-serious, she'd know about it already. If it's just her normal scent, use the above route.
posted by Sayuri. at 12:22 PM on August 21, 2012
Sorry, I didn't mean to offend with the "shit sandwich" phrase, it's just what we call it where I live and apparently we're not alone - see definition 2. To me, that kind of approach doesn't work because it's very obvious what's being done so the compliments seem insincere.
And as I said, it only serves, for me, to make the problem seem huge instead of something that could plausibily be an aside. I know everyone is different, but if I had to hear this I would prefer something like "oh, by the way, have you noticed your smell is a little strong sometimes. Might want to see a doctor." To which I would respond "oh, ok, weird, I'll have it checked out." That's not being an insensitive jerk, it's being low-key.
If a conversation started with "I love you very much and think you're sexy but...." I would respond with "uh-oh, a big but is coming here...." and then I wouldn't really know how to react, would be on the defensive, would realise my partner thought it was a huge deal, and so on. I can only speak for myself but that would be much more unpleasant.
posted by hazyjane at 12:24 PM on August 21, 2012
And as I said, it only serves, for me, to make the problem seem huge instead of something that could plausibily be an aside. I know everyone is different, but if I had to hear this I would prefer something like "oh, by the way, have you noticed your smell is a little strong sometimes. Might want to see a doctor." To which I would respond "oh, ok, weird, I'll have it checked out." That's not being an insensitive jerk, it's being low-key.
If a conversation started with "I love you very much and think you're sexy but...." I would respond with "uh-oh, a big but is coming here...." and then I wouldn't really know how to react, would be on the defensive, would realise my partner thought it was a huge deal, and so on. I can only speak for myself but that would be much more unpleasant.
posted by hazyjane at 12:24 PM on August 21, 2012
are you totally sure the smell is on your hands and not actually inside your nose?
This could be a possibility even if you're sure it's her, OP. Not long ago I kept smelling a horrible embarrassing death odor that ended up being some sort of internal sinus funk.
Anyway. If I were on the receiving end of this news, I'd want to be reassured that I didn't smell bad, just "stronger than usual" or "slightly off," and that no, you definitely can't smell it from more than a few inches away. I recognize that neither of these is true, but this is the kind of situation in which I'd really rather hear the lie.
posted by Metroid Baby at 1:11 PM on August 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
This could be a possibility even if you're sure it's her, OP. Not long ago I kept smelling a horrible embarrassing death odor that ended up being some sort of internal sinus funk.
Anyway. If I were on the receiving end of this news, I'd want to be reassured that I didn't smell bad, just "stronger than usual" or "slightly off," and that no, you definitely can't smell it from more than a few inches away. I recognize that neither of these is true, but this is the kind of situation in which I'd really rather hear the lie.
posted by Metroid Baby at 1:11 PM on August 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
It doesn't come off of my hands for a day or two after we've been together, washing with soap immediately afterward or not.
Eh, I've noticed this faintly about myself for the next 12 hours or so. If I have my hand right under my nose I can tell. It is normal for me, and the strength seems to vary based on where I am in my cycle. I had a fellow comment in a positive way, as he found it a turn-on, that I had pheromones (which might be a delicate/positive way to broach this - "you have exceptionally powerful pheromones" vs "you have an exceptionally powerful odor"). I have reminded a bedpartner bluntly, "Hey, wash your hands with soap as I have pheremones and I don't want to send you off smelling of girl."
I have noticed this about onions, or even some hygienic male partners. Some fluid scents just sink into the skin and linger, soap be damned.
There's also the angle of some people's animal scent just smelling better/worse than others. Maybe it's not so much that she's really stinky, but that her natural smell is repellent to you so you notice it more in a bad way and cannot unsmell it once smelt.
Either way, how each of you respond and work together on this problem will be very telling for the future relationship.
posted by griselda at 1:32 PM on August 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
Eh, I've noticed this faintly about myself for the next 12 hours or so. If I have my hand right under my nose I can tell. It is normal for me, and the strength seems to vary based on where I am in my cycle. I had a fellow comment in a positive way, as he found it a turn-on, that I had pheromones (which might be a delicate/positive way to broach this - "you have exceptionally powerful pheromones" vs "you have an exceptionally powerful odor"). I have reminded a bedpartner bluntly, "Hey, wash your hands with soap as I have pheremones and I don't want to send you off smelling of girl."
I have noticed this about onions, or even some hygienic male partners. Some fluid scents just sink into the skin and linger, soap be damned.
There's also the angle of some people's animal scent just smelling better/worse than others. Maybe it's not so much that she's really stinky, but that her natural smell is repellent to you so you notice it more in a bad way and cannot unsmell it once smelt.
Either way, how each of you respond and work together on this problem will be very telling for the future relationship.
posted by griselda at 1:32 PM on August 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
How about telling her that you have recently felt some tingling/burning along with a slight change in smell on your manly bits so you are going to have a Dr. check it out. The next logical comment from her may well be that she should do the same.
It's actually possible that you are a silent carrier of an STD and harbor no symptoms, while she does. So you both should really get checked out.
posted by waving at 1:35 PM on August 21, 2012
It's actually possible that you are a silent carrier of an STD and harbor no symptoms, while she does. So you both should really get checked out.
posted by waving at 1:35 PM on August 21, 2012
It could be a hygiene issue. I have some friends who've told me that for a long time, they had no idea they could wash their bits with soap or a gentle, soap-free cleanser because, as women, we're told "no soap in the vagina" and for some girls, that got translated to "no soap at all around the vulva or labia" so they just use water.
here's some info about soap and the vulva and labia.
This is also complicated by the fact that some women, myself included, are super sensitive to soap which can lead to yeast infections and UTIs, so I use a soap-free bodywash to clean my entire body.
If it's not this, then it could be medical or it could be food-related.
As for how to bring this up, definitely not in bed. Do it when there's no tension and nothing is going on and just say "this is awkward to bring up, I've been dodging it for a long time now because I didn't want you to feel embarrassed or shamed, but it's impacting our sexual life, so we need to address it. I haven't been going down on you because your smell has been really strong. Have you noticed this?" And take it from there.
posted by vivzan at 1:37 PM on August 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
here's some info about soap and the vulva and labia.
This is also complicated by the fact that some women, myself included, are super sensitive to soap which can lead to yeast infections and UTIs, so I use a soap-free bodywash to clean my entire body.
If it's not this, then it could be medical or it could be food-related.
As for how to bring this up, definitely not in bed. Do it when there's no tension and nothing is going on and just say "this is awkward to bring up, I've been dodging it for a long time now because I didn't want you to feel embarrassed or shamed, but it's impacting our sexual life, so we need to address it. I haven't been going down on you because your smell has been really strong. Have you noticed this?" And take it from there.
posted by vivzan at 1:37 PM on August 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
I MUST mention this, since on preview, I don't see it yet--she should not be washing her ladybits with anything other than plain water! One of my best friends is a women's health nurse practitioner and this advice changed my life. Now I don't even let shampoo run-off get close to my goodies. This is just in reference to the suggestions that you take sexy showers together--don't make the problem worse by lathering her up down there. There are such things as EXTERNAL yeast infections. even though you say it doesn't smell yeasty, it could be a combination of things.
I agree with the suggestions for checking health-related issues, and drinking plenty of water. And pro-biotics are never a bad idea.
posted by leemleem at 1:40 PM on August 21, 2012
I agree with the suggestions for checking health-related issues, and drinking plenty of water. And pro-biotics are never a bad idea.
posted by leemleem at 1:40 PM on August 21, 2012
Is she drinking enough water? That's how I would start it out. Slight dehydration can change your odour, as can dietary changes.
posted by taff at 1:57 PM on August 21, 2012
posted by taff at 1:57 PM on August 21, 2012
Tangential datapoint: Not so much lately, but, in college, several (normatively hygienic) women I was with had a smell that lingered through multiple hand-washings. I think at least that aspect of this is pretty normal (and hot).
posted by zeek321 at 2:25 PM on August 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by zeek321 at 2:25 PM on August 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
My wife had an infection once that led to an unbearable smell. Plus, I'm a "super smeller/taster" so it made things even worse. I finally just bit the bullet one day and brought it up like "I really love you and I feel like a jerk saying this, but there's a smell down there and we need to get it checked out."
She went to the doctor and got a cream that fixed things. I'm not saying your situation is the same, but the conversation we had was similar. You just have to do it.
posted by tacodave at 2:38 PM on August 21, 2012
She went to the doctor and got a cream that fixed things. I'm not saying your situation is the same, but the conversation we had was similar. You just have to do it.
posted by tacodave at 2:38 PM on August 21, 2012
Does she take showers more often then baths? A lifestyle guide I read in the early 90s reccommened baths if nothing else was an issue.
posted by brujita at 2:46 PM on August 21, 2012
posted by brujita at 2:46 PM on August 21, 2012
"I'm the only one who gets close enough to know you down there, so I feel like I am the only one who can tell that it smells strong. It does not smell bad, but it is enough that I think you might want to talk to a doctor about it to make sure it's nothing to worry about." And if she gets embarrassed or uncomfortable, giver her a hug and say, "Please don't be embarrassed, it's no big deal. I love you."
posted by juliplease at 6:02 PM on August 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by juliplease at 6:02 PM on August 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
*"who can tell you that it smells strong"
posted by juliplease at 6:04 PM on August 21, 2012
posted by juliplease at 6:04 PM on August 21, 2012
I would follow the above suggestions about bringing it up as a medical issue first. I wouldn't go too over the top with the "I-love-you's" in that conversation, because that might lead her to react exactly how hazyjane described. The more you can downplay the issue while still getting your point across, the better.
If she gets it checked out and there is no problem, do some research on what foods most effect taste and smell of down-under secretions (both in men and women). Pineapple is one that jumps to mind for making a man's juices taste sweeter. You could both try it as something new and fun in your sex life. Or start taking probiotics on your own and ask het to give them a try too.
As far as the scent on your hands is concerned, try one of those stainless steel 'magic soap' things.
posted by youngergirl44 at 7:45 PM on August 21, 2012
If she gets it checked out and there is no problem, do some research on what foods most effect taste and smell of down-under secretions (both in men and women). Pineapple is one that jumps to mind for making a man's juices taste sweeter. You could both try it as something new and fun in your sex life. Or start taking probiotics on your own and ask het to give them a try too.
As far as the scent on your hands is concerned, try one of those stainless steel 'magic soap' things.
posted by youngergirl44 at 7:45 PM on August 21, 2012
Announcing from the safety of my sockpuppet: I have been happily soaping ladybits for oh, decades now, to no ill effect. So if she thinks soap=bad, that might be a factor.
I'm also the only girl in my coven who's never had a yeast infection, but I attribute that to not wearing panties.
YVMV.
posted by 2soxy4mypuppet at 8:32 PM on August 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
I'm also the only girl in my coven who's never had a yeast infection, but I attribute that to not wearing panties.
YVMV.
posted by 2soxy4mypuppet at 8:32 PM on August 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
I wouldn't mention soap, hygiene, or bathing habits at all. That's the underlying fear -- you smell bad because you are dirty. Plus, if you can't wash the smell off your hands, she's not gonna be able to wash the smell off of her, either.
I'd take the opposite approach (and not in bed!):
"I appreciate how you take care of yourself, your skin and hair always smell so great. It's great to be with someone who takes such good care of herself. But I'm worried because in the past 6 months, despite that, your smell changed. I'm worried it's a sign of an underlying medical problem. We should both go to a doctor together and make sure we're not passing an infection back and forth between the two of us."
Then both of you go to a doctor, explain the concern, and each of you take tests.
Presented this way, the problem isn't a smell, it's a bacteria or yeast. The cause wasn't her dirtiness, it was possibly something either one of you are doing. The solution isn't something she does to fix herself, it's something you two both do. Any bad news (problem/solution) isn't delivered by you, but by an independent professional who has no emotional ties with her.
posted by Houstonian at 5:31 AM on August 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
I'd take the opposite approach (and not in bed!):
"I appreciate how you take care of yourself, your skin and hair always smell so great. It's great to be with someone who takes such good care of herself. But I'm worried because in the past 6 months, despite that, your smell changed. I'm worried it's a sign of an underlying medical problem. We should both go to a doctor together and make sure we're not passing an infection back and forth between the two of us."
Then both of you go to a doctor, explain the concern, and each of you take tests.
Presented this way, the problem isn't a smell, it's a bacteria or yeast. The cause wasn't her dirtiness, it was possibly something either one of you are doing. The solution isn't something she does to fix herself, it's something you two both do. Any bad news (problem/solution) isn't delivered by you, but by an independent professional who has no emotional ties with her.
posted by Houstonian at 5:31 AM on August 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
I think the best way to bring it up would actually be through im. Do you guys ever im when you're apart? Reason: this spares her a lot of discomfort. She will be extremely embarrassed if you tell her face to face and then she has to carry on a normal conversation. If you tell her over im she'll still be embarrassed but it will be less painful.
posted by timsneezed at 11:19 AM on August 22, 2012
posted by timsneezed at 11:19 AM on August 22, 2012
« Older spam sausage spam spam bacon spam tomato and spam | Opening the World of Open Mapping? Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 9:26 AM on August 21, 2012 [7 favorites]