Closure
June 5, 2012 10:28 PM   Subscribe

We last communicated about 4 weeks ago. I sent her a couple of message until I received a call from her mobile but which turned out to be her boyfriend who was 19 years old as like her. From our verbal confrontation, I realized that this guy had indeed influenced her into believing I neglected her while we were together and possibly influencing her decision. I managed to speak to her but it didn't end well. She was too angry and blinded by her new boyfriend. They have been together for 2 months already.

It's been 3 weeks after our last heated conversation. During this 3 weeks things have crystallized and what happened became clearer to me.

1) Was I at fault? Never. I made it clear to her before our relationship that I was a responsible adult and had commitments. This girl said she saw a future with me and wanted us to work through the long distance relationship when I leave the country in December. I took her words and this relationship seriously which was the reason why I worked so hard outside of my military commitments to save up and be financially self-sufficient to return back more often. Even with my busy schedule, I saw her for at least 3 times a week and that was still within a healthy decent amount of time needed for a relationship to function. Not only was I busy saving up for our future plans but also I wanted to give her a promise ring before I left the country.

2) I had good reasons to believe she was influenced by her peers and her current boyfriend to believe I neglected her. I think the distinction lies in our age and hence the differing concept of what love entails. To her and possibly her peers, love would have meant spending as much time together as possible. She's 19 so what else is there between studies and relationship? I'm 23 and there are a truckload of commitments.

For 3 weeks, I have been asking myself many questions. It appears I now know how I wanted to give myself closure. I want to redeem my integrity and clear the misjudgments she has towards me. I wanted her to know the specific reasons as to why I was so busy. At this point, everything I said would come across to her as all words and no actions. Hard work don't always reap immediate fruits. I think at this point some of the effort I have been putting in during our relationship has yield fruition. I have saved up a decent amount to be able to return back to visit her had we been together. Not only is this true but I also have enough to buy for her the promise ring I've been eyeing while we were together. I have paid the deposit for the ring. The ring costs $2000. It's beautiful. She failed to see my love to her was expressed in being a responsible adult who was laboring to give her a future that was secure.

I intend to drop the ring together with the letter at her door step on in 2 months time. The letter serves to explain everything in great details. The ring serves as a tangible and physical object to prove that it was why I had always been so busy. Lastly, for all that she has been through, she deserves the ring and I love her enough to go to great length to clear the misunderstandings in hope that the bitterness in her heart would be dissolved.

I do not expect her to return to me and I would be making this clear to her. Closure for me is when I have explained to the fullest in the letter and dropping the ring together with the letter at her door steps. The moment she reads and see the ring I would have lifted the rock in my heart. It is a long letter and I do hope she contemplates about what I've written.

I'd like to know what the other posters think.

In reference to what happened.
posted by Darrylcwc to Human Relations (49 answers total)

This post was deleted for the following reason: This isn't going to work out. OP, you probably need to find a different sort of forum to have the sort of discussion you want to have. -- taz

 
Send her the letter if you must but don't turn up with an expensive ring. She's not going to wear it, and you don't expect to win her back. You risk getting into a fight with her boyfriend and you will come across as creepy and stalkerish. You seem desperate to prove yourself right but you just need to accept what has happened, realise she was not right for you and move on. Use the money for something fun.
posted by KateViolet at 10:41 PM on June 5, 2012 [2 favorites]


Write the letter, burn the letter. Forget about the ring.
posted by pompomtom at 10:43 PM on June 5, 2012 [8 favorites]


Don't waste a dime on her. To be crass, you don't have to prove shit to her. You know the work you put in. No need to blow 2 grand on her to prove something that seems as obvious as the sun coming up.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:45 PM on June 5, 2012


The girl is not mature enough to understand commitment. Save your money until you meet a grown woman. For heavens sake, don't waste that ring on her, or any more of your time and love. You are in her past now, but in 10 years she may consider you the one that got away. Not much comfort.
posted by Cranberry at 10:46 PM on June 5, 2012 [3 favorites]


I think she's too immature for you. Hold the ring for a women who deserves your love (HINT: it's not her.)

No letter to her -- please. Move on and get the best revenge by finding an awesome woman to spend your life with.

Sure, it stings now. But it will pass.

P.S. thank you for your service!
posted by potsmokinghippieoverlord at 10:48 PM on June 5, 2012 [1 favorite]


The thing is, I'm not sure she cares how you feel or why you did what you did. She's obviously moved on and I think you need to try and do the same. I know it's really tempting to try to get an ex to see things your way, but it's not actually going to change anything if you write a letter. She sounds like a very immature person and that isn't going to change. Is there a part of you that's hoping she reads the letter, has a change of heart and runs back to you? It's hard, I know, but you need to let go of that fantasy; the relationship is over and you can't change that.

Frankly, I think you deserve better, someone who's grown up, responsible, and doesn't play games. Keep looking for her.
posted by WorkingMyWayHome at 10:52 PM on June 5, 2012


You're trying to make a grand romantic gesture with the ring. I'll bet you feel like that's the best, most emotion-packed thing you can possibly do, so once she sees it, she'll just have to take you back. Bzzzt! Wrong. That's not going to work. Life is not a movie. Save your money and time.

Move on to someone who's closer to your age — and whom you can at least give the respect of not constantly referring to her as someone who's brainwashed by everyone around her.

You have to assume that she sincerely believes everything she has told you. She is responsible for her actions. It doesn't make sense to blame someone else for what she has said and done. She is a real person who makes her own decisions, and those decisions have been totally incompatible with your needs.

Look, you said in your previous post that she treated you terribly even after cheating on you. And now you think she "deserves" a ring? She doesn't deserve anything from you. You deserve better than all this.
posted by John Cohen at 10:54 PM on June 5, 2012 [2 favorites]


Oh, hell no. Prove your love to someone who wants it.
posted by salvia at 10:54 PM on June 5, 2012


Guys, I only want to seek closure. I don't intend for her to even reconsider getting together with me. It's terrible waking up every morning with the anxieties knowing that both person whom once loved each other were drawn apart because of discords. Yes, she's mean but I hold my belief that she's acting the way she is because she hasn't quite seen what the misunderstanding was.
All I want is for her to know what went on behind the stage while we weren't together. I need this closure.
posted by Darrylcwc at 10:57 PM on June 5, 2012


Sometimes it helps to have a belief in something bigger than and outside of you - whether "God", or "Fate", or "evolution" or "butterfly effect" or just plain "luck". This could be one of those times.

This relationship is just a misfire. It's over - it is done. Let it be.

You are so right about the age difference - 19 vs. 23 can be huge. It isn't always, but it certainly is here. From what you wrote, she has teenage expectations and desires, and you have adult commitments and responsibilities - and more than even you seem to know right now. More life stuff is going to happen to you.

Try to get the deposit back on that ring. It is not for her. (And do not keep that ring, it is tied to her.) I am not even knocking her, things just worked out this way and that's how she wants it, so she does not deserve any ring from you.

Please do not send her any long letter. It will do no good for either of you. You could send a very brief note something like that you thought you loved her and you thought she loved you, you enjoyed the times you had together, but you accept that things did not work out and you wish her well. How brief? You should be able to write it all out, in your own words, on a 3" x 3" Post-it note, even if you write it out on larger paper. And write it, not computer print it. She would like a note like that, and cherish it, probably, as teenagers will. But she won't come back to you. You do not have to explain your side or what you were doing. You did it, you had to do it, it was you. That wasn't working for her. There's no fault here among you and her. You're you, she's her.

That note will be full closure for you about her. You should get your $2000 back and move on.

There's a lot more to come for you so just keep an eye out for the good stuff.
posted by caclwmr4 at 11:01 PM on June 5, 2012


You call her a girl, a couple times, and that's exactly right: you were dating a teenager and she acted like one. Giving her an expensive ring in the hopes of proving something won't give you closure; it'll just burn through your savings to no avail. Save your money and your pride both, and date people who are worth your time.
posted by Pomo at 11:06 PM on June 5, 2012


To be fair to her, if she felt neglected then she FELT neglected. It doesn't matter if every single on metafilter agreed that you were a great boyfriend - the relationship wasn't working for her. This doesn't mean that you did anything wrong - but some of things that you like about yourself (like being mature and responsible) don't seem to be as important to her since she has shown that she prefers a less mature, younger guy. She is allowed to prefer whoever she wants. Your explanation of how you really were a good boyfriend is irrelevant because your explanation reflects YOUR values in a relationship, not hers.

Writing the letter sounds important - you need to be clear in your mind what your story of the relationship is. Sending it very likely to end badly - either you don't hear anything or she contacts you to justify from her point of view why she broke up with you. Another vote for write and burn it.

It would be seriously inappropriate for her to accept an expensive ring from you. If you insist, she might very well and turn around and sell it for cash. It also makes you look needy - like you are trying very, very hard to prove something when nothing needs to be proved.
posted by metahawk at 11:07 PM on June 5, 2012 [3 favorites]


It is a very long letter-pages. But isn't closure all about me? Penning down my heartfelt thoughts and getting everything out of my system? The ring is ready for collection. I wouldn't want to keep it and neither do I expect her to. It do not matter to me what she does with the ring. It won't matter what she thinks. Worst case-she shares it with her boyfriend. Best case-she reflects and acknowledge she misjudged me. The moment I dropped the letter and the ring is where I close this chapter in my life. I would have felt like the lightest person.
posted by Darrylcwc at 11:08 PM on June 5, 2012


If my ex gave me a $2000 ring I would be very creeped out. I would think less of him for thinking that was an okay thing to do, when it is such an inappropriate thing to do.
posted by insectosaurus at 11:11 PM on June 5, 2012 [14 favorites]


Take the ring back to the shop.

If it makes you feel better, write out an account of what you envision happening were you to go through with this, just for yourself. If it really helps, post that account to yourself with a message on the envelope saying "NOT TO BE OPENED UNTIL 2015".

There, it's done.

At your age, I was all about the meaning-laden grand gesture, so I know where the motivation comes from, but it's really not healthy, as it turns out that grand gestures are actually not very good at conveying the meaning that you supersaturate them with. You have permission to declare this closed.
posted by holgate at 11:14 PM on June 5, 2012 [2 favorites]


Something needs to be proven. There would have been nothing to prove if she acknowledge that she doesn't wants a person like me at her age. But no, truth of the matter is that she has been sharing her problems with her boyfriend (then friend) and as like all opportunist, took advantage of the situation, pushed crap into her brain into believing I neglected which is untrue.

You guys don't worry about the ring. She's free to dump it and I made it clear on that part.
posted by Darrylcwc at 11:14 PM on June 5, 2012


I would also feel uncomfortable with receiving an expensive gift from someone I was no longer dating. And I would also see a pages-long letter explaining how I misjudged my ex as a sign that I judged him very well.

You speak of your maturity, but if you were acting in a mature way, you would respect that she no longer wants to be with you or have contact with you. You would not continue to try to prove yourself right. You would keep your distance, let her be, and move on with your life. You would recognize that there is no such thing as closure, that you can't dictate how someone will view you or your relationship, that there will always be discord between how you see yourself and how you are perceived by others.

Please, write the letter and burn it if you need to write it. Go to a bar and share your story with a stranger. But leave the girl be, learn from the situation, and let it go. It will take time. That's the only way to achieve closure, whatever that may be.
posted by Felicity Rilke at 11:19 PM on June 5, 2012 [14 favorites]


Nthing that the ring is a bad idea. Send the letter if you must (although not sending it would also be better.) Take what you're getting ready to spend on the ring--which you're already admitting is at this point merely a symbolic gesture--and start a nest egg for the future with it, so when someone comes along who IS a good match, you'll be ready. If you prefer, think of it as the start of a college fund for future kids--and then ask who "deserves" it more.

Nothing needs to be proven. Whatever you're hoping to get out of this, it won't work. Take it from someone who's been through something similar with similar emotions and impulses.

Just let her go, and with her the idea of setting anything right, or making one final....anything. It's just over. The loose ends just dissipate. You can't tie them up.

That's hard, but that's how you start moving on.
posted by snuffleupagus at 11:19 PM on June 5, 2012 [1 favorite]


Also, you believe she was manipulated by her current boyfriend (then friend). You can't know this, you can only believe it because it is what you want to believe. There is nothing to prove. It was a relationship that didn't work out. Maybe she told you it was because you weren't around enough. And that can be true, even with you having valid reasons for not being around more. You both wanted and expected different things. No one is wrong or right in this situation.
posted by Felicity Rilke at 11:21 PM on June 5, 2012 [1 favorite]


If she's that easily swayed, what makes you think you can convince her of something and it will stick? And why are you so concerned about what she thinks of you, when she treated you badly and then dumped you? And I'm a little concerned by your insistence that she MUST see things the way you do; you cannot control what she thinks or feels, not through a letter and not through expensive gifts.

If you truly think this will help you, then do it. Personally, as someone more than twice your age who's been through a few bad breakups, I think there really isn't such a thing as closure on a relationship that's ended, much as we might like there to be. There will always be that one more thing you want to say or want to hear or whatever. The relationship will feel over and done with, part of the past, when you have moved on and are looking forward to the future again. I would spend your energy and money on figuring out what kind of life you want to have and working toward that.
posted by WorkingMyWayHome at 11:25 PM on June 5, 2012 [2 favorites]


Something needs to be proven.

No, it doesn't. You have permission to declare this one done right now, to believe it, and to act accordingly. And Felicity Rilke is right to say that it's a reflection on your own maturity to do so.
posted by holgate at 11:25 PM on June 5, 2012 [7 favorites]


I want to redeem my integrity and clear the misjudgments she has towards me. I wanted her to know the specific reasons as to why I was so busy.
Something needs to be proven. There would have been nothing to prove if she acknowledge that she doesn't wants a person like me at her age.


You can talk to her all day about this, you can write her a book, and you will never know if she understands, and she may never acknowledge a thing you're trying to tell her. She's 19 and she has already proven that she's not the person you thought she was, hoped she was, or wanted her to be.

I intend to drop the ring together with the letter at her door step on in 2 months time. The letter serves to explain everything in great details. The ring serves as a tangible and physical object to prove that it was why I had always been so busy. Lastly, for all that she has been through, she deserves the ring and I love her enough to go to great length to clear the misunderstandings in hope that the bitterness in her heart would be dissolved.

The ring is ready for collection. I wouldn't want to keep it and neither do I expect her to. It do not matter to me what she does with the ring.


If it doesn't matter what she does with the ring, why are you giving it to her? You've only paid the deposit, and yes, the ring is ready for collection, but you don't have to collect it. The jeweler will be able to do so something with it. You were together from September to the second week of March, five months. In another two months - nearly half the time you were together - who knows if you'll still feel this way? Don't pick up the ring. Sell it back to the jeweler, or leave it. Don't send the letter - keep it and wait and see.
posted by gingerest at 11:27 PM on June 5, 2012 [1 favorite]


When a girl truly loves you, if someone speaks crap about you to her, she'll defend you every which way. She didn't.

You seem to be doing that with respect to her. I get it.

Read the first line again.

I know it's hard, but drop it and move on.
posted by caclwmr4 at 11:27 PM on June 5, 2012 [1 favorite]


The moment I dropped the letter and the ring is where I close this chapter in my life. I would have felt like the lightest person.

This is called being dramatic. It will not prove anything to her. She would not have believed that you neglected her unless she wanted to believe it. She wants to think that she did the right thing in breaking up with you, because it makes her feel better about herself. You won't be able to convince her otherwise no matter what you do. I'm sorry. If it's worth anything, we've heard your side of the story. And more importantly--you know what happened. You are no longer a couple; you do not need to agree. She can think whatever she wants.

Take that money and use it to fund a better life with someone else. When you are dating someone wonderful, you could use the money to go on a trip together, save up for a wedding, or use it on the down payment for a home together. Imagine looking into a new girlfriend's eyes and telling her that you would have had the money to spend on her, but you threw it all away on an ex-girlfriend who was awful to you. How does that sound? Stupid, right? Don't do it. The present is really painful now, but if you hang on you'll be glad you saved money for the future.
posted by rhythm and booze at 11:29 PM on June 5, 2012


[Darrylcwc, moderator here. This is absolutely not the place to have a back-and-forth debate with people trying to help you with your question. Please chill, read the answers, and use what helpful. You cannot use this thread to try to have the specific discussion you would like to have with your ex. You need to stop commenting now. ]
posted by taz (staff) at 11:33 PM on June 5, 2012


She sounds very young and will not understand your letter or the ring. More than likely her boyfriend will definitely not understand either.

Shred the letter or burn it. Take the ring back to the store or keep it for someone special.

You will save yourself a lot of heartache. You know how you behaved in that relationship - that's all that really matters.
posted by mleigh at 11:40 PM on June 5, 2012


This sounds like a relationship that ended out of mutual incompatibility. You are not going to get the closure you are looking for because you cannot force her to read a letter and you cannot force her to somehow realize you were not at fault for anything that went wrong in the relationship. Just because a relationship didn't work out doesn't mean anyone has to be the bad guy, you just need to figure out the qualities in a partner that would make you happy and look for someone possessing those. Also, reflect on why you think you were "never" at fault for anything wrong in the relationship, why you are not giving her credit for having agency and making her own decisions, and why in your previous question (which you linked to) you patted yourself on the back for not setting a curfew for her or barring her from her friends. I'd think about these things before jumping into another relationship.
posted by JenMarie at 11:41 PM on June 5, 2012 [1 favorite]


I'm sorry you're hurting, I really am.

To be perfectly frank, you're expecting a whole lot out of your ex-girlfriend. Not everyone, at any age let alone at 19, is able to articulate exactly why a relationship isn't working out. We would have fewer marriage counselors if this were otherwise.

From her perspective, you'll be dropping this big heartfelt letter and an inappropriately expensive ring on her four months after you two broke up. That's four months after she's been in a relationship with someone else and nearly as long after she's made it rather clear that she doesn't want to communicate with you.

You don't need to prove you are right. What you want is to be able to prove her wrong and I'd like to you think about that carefully because that's anger. You're not seeing it as being angry with her because you're handwaving it away with explanations about her friends' and boyfriend's influence and how she deserves the ring and all that but really, the root of your distress and why this stays so heavy on your chest is because you're angry at her but haven't been able to bring yourself to admit it. Giving her the ring and the letter is simply your way of transferring that anger to her in physical talismans disguised as a noble gesture.

So, if you can get to that point, to understand you are pissed at her, well that's the doorstep to Getting Over It. Let yourself get mad, understand why you are mad, understand that nothing you could have done would have fixed this relationship, forgive yourself and her and just move on with a clear heart. If you need to, express your anger in the presence of a sympathetic buddy or two and NOT by getting into arguments with your ex or her boyfriend or her friends because that's the doorstep to More Drama, which is in the opposite direction of Getting Over It.

Good luck, I'm quite sure you can do this and be happy again.
posted by jamaro at 11:42 PM on June 5, 2012 [2 favorites]


The moment I dropped the letter and the ring is where I close this chapter in my life. I would have felt like the lightest person.

If I believed this, I would say "sure, what the hell, drop it off."

But, from your last post (i.e., Something needs to be proven..."), it truly sounds like you won't be happy until she admits (to herself, at the very least) that she was unfairly influenced by her friends and boyfriend into ending a perfectly good relationship. Nothing you have said makes that seem likely.

Re It is a very long letter-pages.

Not good at all. You risk coming off as over-the-top obsessive. You can pretty much count on the fact that she will share this with her boyfriend, if not her entire social circle.

Re the ring, I understand that you don't want it around and you know that she isn't going to have any sentimental feelings for it whatsoever. So, sell it and donate the proceeds to some worthy cause. Who know, that act might end up being your favorite memory of this relationship.

Re "closure"—nice concept, but not very practical. Most of life's endings are at least a little bit messy and unsettling. Time takes care of the aftershock.
posted by she's not there at 11:46 PM on June 5, 2012 [2 favorites]


I don't think my engagement ring was $2000---and it's a really nice ring. I would be horrified to receive a really expensive ring from an ex-boyfriend. That's just creepy and inappropriate.

You've only paid the deposit. Walk away from this. Nothing good will come of it.
posted by leahwrenn at 11:50 PM on June 5, 2012 [2 favorites]


There isn't really such a thing as closure, and this is just drama. Unfortunately at 19 she's more likely to mock your letter than get the point, whereas if you just drop contact you can rest easy that in a few years, she'll think it through on her own and be like, "I was dumb."

If you can't return the ring, give it to you mom, or a sister, or a niece. Someone who will be rooting for you every day.

Closure is mostly a Hollywood idea too. It seems nice, but human relationships are measure than that, and the closure you get is not from making sure the other person knows how they were wrong, but internally coming to grips with the fact that you were treated badly and have to move on. That's why people typically burn the letters. You can't get closure from or with her, only internally.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 11:57 PM on June 5, 2012 [3 favorites]


Your relationship has closure already. She's been with another man for two months. That's your closure. It doesn't look the way you (or anybody in your position) would wish it to, but life is like that sometimes.

The whole notion of "closure" -- or rather, the notion of seeking "closure" from somewhere outside yourself -- is overrated and is applied nowadays to situations where it is ridiculous. Etan Patz's family need closure. They need answers about what happened to their son and justice for his killer. Someone who has been through a breakup, on the other hand, needs to accept that these things happen in love and find their own way to move on. I do fear that the quest for "closure" is sometimes used as an excuse for continuing to harass an ex-partner.

Do not spend another cent or another minute on this relationship, except possibly to consider any lessons you have learned from it. Save your time and money to spend on your own happiness, your own future, and your next girlfriend.
posted by Perodicticus potto at 12:02 AM on June 6, 2012 [2 favorites]


I was once in a situation a bit like this. The background is entirely different, but the need for closure, the desire to 'clear the air', and the burning urge to show how serious you were is something I recognise completely.

Like I did, you've accepted that the relationship is over. It can't be saved at this point and the fact that you know this is a very good start. You should also realise that it's a good thing. You had a nice experience, but this was never going to work out to be a dream relationship. There is someone out there–believe it or not–who is more compatible. You'll find that person.

What to do right now, though? Absolutely write this letter. The act of structuring your thoughts and opinions on the matter will be the most cathartic thing you can do. I did exactly this and it was the best thing I did to start getting closure.

Write that letter, but do not send it. Write it, re-write it, make it perfect. Then leave it for two months, three months, hell… six months. At some point you'll realise that the actual act of writing that letter is all that mattered. You'll be glad you didn't send it. You're ready: burn it/delete it.

As for that ring? Jeez, don't do that. Please. I understand that this is money you saved for a specific purchase: the ring. Don't buy the ring. Instead, do something for you. Go to an airport, go to London (or anywhere) for a weekend. Do something crazy for yourself. In five years you'll have completely forgotten about this. Spend that ring money on yourself, and you'll remember the experience forever.
posted by fakelvis at 12:03 AM on June 6, 2012


I appreciate the comments but I think this thread ends here. Would appreciate the MOD giving me this last comment.

I know what makes me feel good and ready to move on. I would proceed with the original decision. I fail to see why it's creepy. Much of the contributions are premised upon her reaction. But I took that out of the equation. In a way, I take it as getting everything out of my system and dumping the bad memories at her door steps. I know what I want. I don't care what she feels the moment she sees those items. All I do know is it would make me feel better.
I guess closure to me means doing to my best that makes me feel good. Beyond dumping the items at her door steps, I cannot effect her train of thoughts. The bonus is that if she does read the letter and accept my explanation, then well, a bonus. But I'm not expecting that. At the least I know, at the instance of dumping those stuffs, I can at least look back and said I did my best-silly or not.

Planning to head out to world once I drop those stuffs and close the chapter. Take my time to travel the world, indulge in alpine climbing , BASE jumping, outdoor trekking. Then head straight abroad to Uni in 6 months. Sounds good.
posted by Darrylcwc at 12:08 AM on June 6, 2012


Maybe your girlfriend didn't have the maturity to work through the problems in your relationship, or maybe you two were just incompatible and couldn't see eye to eye on important things. We can't know this, we're only hearing your side of the story... but that's not the point. What you'll grow to realize, hopefully, is that it doesn't matter anymore. She's been dating another guy for two months already, she's moved on. There is nothing to prove, nothing to send, nothing to do but learn from this experience that there is no such thing as closure that you can get from another person .

I agree with the above poster who said that the letter and ring will probably have the opposite effect you want. You want to prove to her that she was wrong about you, that you're actually a great, upstanding guy she didn't deserve. Speaking as a woman, I'd find the letter (pages long?!) and the ring (that cost more than my engagement ring AND wedding ring together) rather creepy, and proof that you are a very angry and controlling person that she was wise to cut loose.
posted by keep it under cover at 12:13 AM on June 6, 2012 [4 favorites]


Something needs to be proven.

It's creepy because you're trying to prove her wrong and "win" the argument. You use language like make her understand and you claim that she doesn't know her own mind, that she only made the decision to leave you because she was influenced by others. That's pushy and controlling and your explanation for why she left you is wildly unlikely. You need to stop trying to micro manage the way this relationship turned out. Learn that some things simply happen and you don't have to like them but you have to accept them and you'll be much happier.
posted by fshgrl at 12:14 AM on June 6, 2012 [8 favorites]


Some people can't give you what you need from them. This is a universal truth that hits us all eventually. It might be that you need to send her the letter, and/or the ring, but she surely doesn't want either. If you still care about her, even a little, save her from this selfish act of yours and deal with your pain without involving her.

The reason you can't see why it's creepy is that you're not a woman and don't have to worry about your safety from people you have been with. I would be scared and anxious if I received either of these from you.

Talk to a professional, instead, about how you feel, and leave her alone.
posted by b33j at 12:18 AM on June 6, 2012 [5 favorites]


I know what I want. I don't care what she feels the moment she sees those items. All I do know is it would make me feel better.

Honey, I've been around this block many times. Both myself personally, and with my friends. I don't believe for one second that you know what you're doing. This is not to insult you, you're young and inexperienced, and you're angry and upset right now, so your judgment is badly clouded. But I guarantee that when some time has passed, you will either be glad you didn't send the ring and letter, or you will regret that you embarrassed yourself and upset her by sending the ring and letter.
posted by keep it under cover at 12:22 AM on June 6, 2012 [1 favorite]


Oh, and there's a third possibility too, which I hope won't come to pass - that you won't learn from this experience, and will spend the rest of your life growing angrier and more bitter about the things outside of yourself that you can't control. Or worse, exerting your control using physical or psychological violence.

That's the "creepy" that previous posters keep alluding to. It's a dark road to follow, one that we hope you won't continue down.
posted by keep it under cover at 12:26 AM on June 6, 2012 [2 favorites]


I fail to see why it's creepy... In a way, I take it as getting everything out of my system and dumping the bad memories at her door steps.

You fail to see why that's creepy?
posted by salvia at 12:33 AM on June 6, 2012 [4 favorites]


@Keepitundercover
@Salvia

Don't turn this into a personal diatribe against me. Continuing down implies I am on that path. That is false. Sure I'm hurt a little but I want nothing more than to speak my mind in that letter. If she' affected by the ring, the bin is only a few steps away. The one who's making this sounds like a drama are those who says it's creepy.
Maybe it's a cultural thing. I'm not harassing her or stalking her. People do write letters or return personal belongings after a period of time has passed if it puts their mind at ease FOREVER. It is a one off act.
Merely, to speak my mind and put it there. That's what real mature mind does. Lay your cards on the table and leave. Take it or leave it. No one owes you anything. If your boss misunderstood you, you speak to them directly. Why do I sense that people here so constraint by societal rules which are nothing but a state of pathetic human-construct.
posted by Darrylcwc at 12:43 AM on June 6, 2012


Someone worked very hard to design and make that beautiful ring. That person hoped it would be a symbol of true love and happiness, or at least accomplishment and some joy. Do you want to turn it into a reminder of regret?

If you really want to do something meaningful, find a way to spend your money to benefit someone who needs a little lifting up. Turn tragedy into hope.
posted by amtho at 12:53 AM on June 6, 2012 [1 favorite]


The ring is creepy because people are weird about money and rings have societal implications. It would be unsettling to receive any expensive jewelry from an ex, especially a $2000 ring. If anyone I was not seriously involved with gave me a $2000 anything, I'd feel indebted to them and that's not a position I want to be in with an ex boyfriend. And because of the societal implications of rings (engagement, namely), I would be really uncomfortable accepting a ring from someone I did not plan to marry.

Honestly, if a pages-long letter and a $2000 promise ring showed up on my doorstep from an ex, I'm pretty sure I'd be writing and AskMe question about what the heck I was supposed to do about my crazy ex who just gave me a ring.
posted by Weeping_angel at 12:58 AM on June 6, 2012 [4 favorites]


Your question was "What do others think?". Now you know. And now you are angry with those who have told you what they think. Does this give any indication of how your plan might proceed?
posted by KateViolet at 12:58 AM on June 6, 2012 [5 favorites]


Not to say that YOU are crazy, that's just how it would look.
posted by Weeping_angel at 1:00 AM on June 6, 2012


Why ask the question if you plan to reject the absolutely unanimous answer that your plan is a very bad idea? You asked, everyone has said it's a bad idea! Because it's a really bad, immature idea!
posted by Justinian at 1:00 AM on June 6, 2012


Darryl, what is it that you want from us? In your OP, you said:

I'd like to know what the other posters think.

But from your follow-up comments, I gather that's not what you want at all. You want us to agree with you that you were "never at fault." You want validation that your girlfriend was an ungrateful, disloyal brat. Just like you're not going to get that validation from her, you're not going to get it from a bunch of strangers on the internet.

I mean, the exact same problem you're having with your ex is playing out again here on AskMetafilter. You feel misunderstood, you can't accept that we find your plan creepy. Now you're angry about THIS, in addition to the thing with your ex. How does this bode for your future well-being?


Merely, to speak my mind and put it there. That's what real mature mind does. Lay your cards on the table and leave.


No, a mature mind accepts that the relationship is over, your ex doesn't want to speak to you or hear from you anymore, and nothing you do now (especially nothing motivated by negative emotions) is going to change that. Your healing has to start from within, but you won't find peace as long as you depend on external sources of validation for it.

Why do I sense that people here so constraint by societal rules which are nothing but a state of pathetic human-construct.


Again, no. What you are "sensing" is a culture where people aim to respect other people's boundaries, and where a woman's boundaries are entitled to the same degree of respect as a man's. Are you Chinese? I am ethnically Chinese, but culturally Canadian. I know the way Chinese culture sees money as a means to force a sense of obligation and loyalty, and I find it very icky and tacky. That's where I'm coming from.
posted by keep it under cover at 1:01 AM on June 6, 2012 [11 favorites]


No, I don't think you should give her the letter and ring.

I understand that you're hurt over the end of this relationship, and you have every right to be hurt - everyone else here would be hurt in your position too. But I'd like to gently suggest that the reason so many people here are telling you not to do this is because most people have been in your position, to some degree or other.

Many of us have been through breakups where we ended up feeling exactly as you do now - that the other person had misjudged us an the relationship, that things had been left unsaid, and that the only way we'd find peace and closure is to try our best to put that misunderstanding right. We know what that impulse feels like, because it's a really really common impulse to have. So it's not that the people telling you "no, it's a bad idea to send her that stuff" don't understand what you're feeling. It's more that they understand exactly how you're feeling now - and they also understand how you're going to feel differently in six months' time (or two years, or ten years), and how much your views on her and the relationship will change, and how much you'll regret sending the letter and ring to her. Because the odds are really, really, really good that you'll regret it.
posted by Catseye at 1:02 AM on June 6, 2012 [4 favorites]


[Okay, last warning, Darrylcwc; no more commenting here. Close the thread and never open it again if you need to do that. Everyone else, let's keep comments helpful and productive, and offer your advice without making this into a debate with the OP.]
posted by taz (staff) at 1:22 AM on June 6, 2012


« Older Screenwriting for fun and not profit.   |   How to make the AIGA membership fun and exciting? Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.