She cheated on me yet is mean to me
April 7, 2012 4:38 AM   Subscribe

I'm 23 and she's 19. I'm in the conscripted army while she's studying. We met and got into a relationship after 3 weeks of knowing one another. We got together last September. We've just broken up on the second week of March and now she's in a relationship with her friend whom she technically cheated on me by making out together while we were dating. The reason for writing this is in hope of seeking a closure.

For the past 5 months we dated, I never have as much time for her as guys her age would have been able to give. Despite being in the conscripted army, I have to wake up at 6am for work from 8am to 6pm. From 6pm to 10pm, I moonlight.

On the weekdays, I meet her on average for one to two times from 10pm to 12midnight or till 1am. This means having been awake for 18 hours and having to wake up at 6am the next day. We spend the whole weekends together. She's quite fortunate for the fact that most guys in the conscripted army never get to leave the camp until the weekends. This girl lives 15mins from my place. We pay for our own stuffs due to my pittance allowance from the Army. I'm putting aside much of my money for my studies in a university overseas. I have another 5 months more before I am wholly discharged of military duties.

Before getting into a relationship with her, I told her how busy my schedule was going to be and she accepted.

I knew my busy schedule would meant that open communications to discuss any issues were vital to our relationships. Whenever she shared with me issues, I improved on them.

Then one day, she dropped a bomb of unhappiness and resentment. She was disappointed with me not spending Valentine's day with her nor spending an entire Christmas day with her. On both occasions, I asked for her opinions as regard my busy schedule on those days. She had no problem with me spending half a day with her on Christmas nor had she any problem with me being tied up with duty on Valentine's day. I was prepared to swap my military duties if she wanted me with her on Valentine's day. We met the next day and I suggested a break up but she said she wanted sometime to think and so we got back together few days later. This was at the end February.

Things didn't got better despite me making further efforts to spend more time with her. 2 weeks into getting back together, one day, I asked her if she regretted being with me. She went silent over the phone and cried. I broke up with her but I soon regretted because I felt it was said out of guilt and sadness for her.

Since the second week of March when we broke I did all means to win her back but she was really EXTREMELY mean, callous and cold to me. In the midst, she revealed that she made out with her friend of hers and they cuddled to sleep together I suspected it was a particular guy as she was always sending him texts whenever she was on her phone. She also said her feelings for me faded.

Just a few days ago, she deleted me from her Facebook and blocked me. While dating, we promised to remain friends even if we broke up. What's more, we didn't broke up over ugly reasons. Removing me from Facebook hurts a lot because even if we weren't in a relationship I would like to know she is doing well and such.

I always gave this girl all the freedom she needed. It was never in my personality to set her curfew nor bar her from her friends even if I suspected something was going on with her and that guy. I always encourage us to speak openly about any issues that we might be facing and I never flared up when she spoke to me about things which could be changed.

Many things happened for the past 3 weeks. I continued being nice to her despite all the very mean and evil things she said, I did everything I could-even to the extend of going on my knees-to salvage the relationship but all she could say is she's in love with another guy now. Just as I was right, she's now in a relationship with that guy whom she made out with while dating with me. That guy is 19 as like her. I don't know why is she so mean to me despite the fact that the logical conclusion is that she was wrong for bottling her unhappiness up, cheating on me and continued being mean to me.

This was the girl whom I wanted to give ourselves a beautiful ring to signify my commitment before I left for my studies overseas. As of now, I'm hoping that when she's older and mature she'll realize why I'm so tied up with commitments, responsibilities and duties to my nation. Here I am protecting my nation and behind she stabs me with her betrayal. Why can't she see that I'm giving her all I had even if it isn't a lot?

Is there anywhere I did something wrong?
posted by Darrylcwc to Human Relations (32 answers total)
 
Why can't she see that I'm giving her all I had even if it isn't a lot?

She probably can see that, but that doesn't mean it's enough.

If I go and try out for the army, and give all I can, and they reject me; did I do something wrong? Did they? No, the army just needs more from me than I'm able or willing to give them.

She is being mean to you because she needs to move on now, and so do you, and she's young and she doesn't know a better way to stop you chasing after her.
posted by emilyw at 5:13 AM on April 7, 2012 [14 favorites]


You are both in different life stages - you are preparing for university and your future career, working hard, being responsible and saving up. You are already on your adult path.

She is a teenager and not yet perhaps on this same life path, thus seeking fun and being carefree. Maybe she is not yet at the stage where she can see what you are able to give.

Move on. Its over and you have your future to attend to, there will be many other girls.
posted by infini at 5:17 AM on April 7, 2012 [2 favorites]


As an American it is not easy for me to understand the situation you're in. There is no conscripted army here, there's been no draft for decades; people who are in the U.S. Army are there voluntarily. Also, statements like, "It was never in my personality to set her curfew nor bar her from her friends" suggest a very different cultural background, because it implies that you could have set curfews or prevented her from seeing her friends if you'd chosen to. Here that would be a very unusual idea, bordering on ridiculous, and refraining from trying to exert such control would not win you any special prizes because it's a baseline expectation.

I think what you might be missing is that while you may not have a choice about your military service, she does have a choice about whether she wants to be in any given relationship. It doesn't matter how unfair your situation seems to you -- if she's unhappy in the relationship, then that's that. If she's not getting enough time and attention, the fact that you have these commitments to your country don't mean a thing. The fact that you invited her to talk about problems she might be having doesn't mean that the relationship should go on if the problems are unresolvable. It sounds like you're putting your happiness ahead of hers. For that, I'd leave you too.
posted by jon1270 at 5:20 AM on April 7, 2012 [12 favorites]


oh, honey. I'm so sorry you hurt.

This isn't about you at all. If you had nothing to do, could spend all her time with her, were independently wealthy and could provide the absolute perfect life- she probably still would have broken up with you.

Sometimes, people just can't make themselves feel something that isn't there anymore, and people are never obligated to stay in a relationship that they don't want to be in- no matter what their reason for wanting to leave is. It's not immature, it's not mean-spirited- it's just the natural autonomy everyone has.

You should take that to heart- you were a good partner, you loved very much and tried very hard. You'll meet someone who you'll love just as much (at your age, I'm guessing there may be a few more someones) who will share the depths of your feelings.

- and just a side note- she probably needs closure too. she needs to not see you, not talk to you, not be forced to shut you down again and again. If there is any hope of some future reconnection- it's going to be because you showed her that you respect her decision- and backed the hell off while you both heal.
posted by Blisterlips at 5:26 AM on April 7, 2012 [12 favorites]


I tried to answer the question but honestly there's not a lot of question here, so here's my advice:

MOVE ON

You're young, you're hurting probably worse than you ever have before, and it's totally not fair and very sad, and none of it was even your fault. I'm sorry. It sucks. Morn a little, eat some ice cream, watch some sappy television, and then move on. Don't try to be friends until you can honestly say that you're only trying to be friends and don't want her back.
posted by anaelith at 5:49 AM on April 7, 2012 [2 favorites]


The reason for writing this is in hope of seeking a closure.

It sounds like you're hurt, angry, and confused right now, which makes a ton of sense given your circumstances.

A "verdict" from the people who are responding here that she was dishonest, immature, deceitful, cruel, whatever isn't going to make you feel better, it's not going to make her change.

(If she was 29 instead of 19, this sort of response would be more appropriate, but to me it's understandable that a 19 year old wouldn't know what she was getting herself into here.)

I suggest you look at this in terms of the Fundamental Attribution Error and see if you can find situational ways to account for the things that made you unhappy here. Like, it must have been very difficult for your ex to see you on such a rigid and limited schedule (even though you were doing all you could).

It was probably difficult for you, too, to be the best partner you could be within the constraints of your military schedule.

Maybe the difficulty of finding someone else played into your tolerating things in this relationship that you wouldn't have tolerated if you weren't in the military, like her inconsistent messages to you about Christmas and Valentine's Day, and her wavering over whether she wanted to be with you.

The thing that's going to give you your best shot at closure here is to forgive her, accept that she's gone from your life, hope she's doing well, take what you can from this for future relationships, and focus on the other good things in your life right now.
posted by alphanerd at 5:56 AM on April 7, 2012 [3 favorites]


You (and all of us) have to make your own closure. It isn't something you (any of us) can engineer with the other person.

I am sorry this turned out the way it did, and I imagine it must be especially hard at a time of so many other changes in your life.
posted by Sidhedevil at 6:13 AM on April 7, 2012 [1 favorite]


Think of your time with her as if it was time spent reading a good book. Things happen both good and bad, and you see life reflected in the action. When you turn the last page, yes, you wish there was more, you want a different ending. But you read the book because it engaged you, you learned things, it was your kind of read. You can't ask that book to be anything more than what was, and it can always among your favorites.
posted by StickyCarpet at 6:19 AM on April 7, 2012 [5 favorites]


all she could say is she's in love with another guy now

And that's that. No matter what you tell her or show her or do for her, you can't make a girl love you. She either loves you or she doesn't.

So start looking for another girl.
posted by pracowity at 6:23 AM on April 7, 2012 [4 favorites]


Just because you explained to her what your hours would be and just because you guys talked about remaining friends doesn't mean that she has to like it or abide by it.
posted by k8t at 6:53 AM on April 7, 2012 [3 favorites]


Since the second week of March when we broke I did all means to win her back but she was really EXTREMELY mean, callous and cold to me. Just a few days ago, she deleted me from her Facebook and blocked me ... Many things happened for the past 3 weeks. I continued being nice to her despite all the very mean and evil things she said, I did everything I could-even to the extend of going on my knees-to salvage the relationship but all she could say is she's in love with another guy now. Just as I was right, she's now in a relationship with that guy whom she made out with while dating with me. That guy is 19 as like her. I don't know why is she so mean to me despite the fact that the logical conclusion is that she was wrong for bottling her unhappiness up, cheating on me and continued being mean to me.

It sounds like she does not want to be in a relationship with you and would prefer to be with this other guy. That is not immature of her. It's okay for her to want that and you should respect it.

It sounds like ever since the past few weeks since you broke up, you have been doing everything you can to get her back, but she doesn't want to get back with you. And she is being "mean" to you and blocking you from Facebook because she wants you to STOP, back off, and leave her alone. That is not "illogical" or "immature" of her. You are being illogical and immature by not backing off. It is not "wrong" of her. It is wrong of you to keep after someone who wants to be left alone.

Just back off and leave her alone for a few months. Then I think if you want to be friends again she will be much more open to it. But I think right now she really just wants you to leave her alone.
posted by cairdeas at 6:55 AM on April 7, 2012 [9 favorites]


You are young, you will undoubtedly meet someone new. I know that's small comfort NOW, and may even sound patronizing, but I mean it in a very positive way.

Welcome to Young Adulthood! Just about everyone gets their heart horribly broken in their early 20's, and it becomes a learning experience for future relationships. It sounds like you two were simply in different life stages, and you are literally committed to something (the army) that she simply can't understand.

The many breakups you instituted before the final one is evidence that you were conflicted about the relationship. As others mentioned upstream, sometimes you do everything "right" in a relationship, but the other person simply doesn't love you back. You have no control over that; that's why relationships can be maddening.

And with time, you will get over the mean things she did & said, and it will fade. I promise you that.

The best lesson I took away from my breakups was that there were good reasons for the breakups, and that ultimately I wouldn't want them back, I just felt sad over what could have been. I had an idealized version of how the relationship should have gone (like you with the ring before you go overseas), but I had to accept that it didn't follow that script.

You will feel better. You're going on a great big new adventure overseas! You're young and single, it will be great! (Like many painful things in life, a breakup is usually a blessing in disguise).
posted by honey badger at 7:02 AM on April 7, 2012 [3 favorites]


Is there anywhere I did something wrong?

The only thing I can see here, is that perhaps you are just not experienced enough in relationships to understand that no matter how hard you try, how much you do, and how much you want it, the other person's behaviour, actions and desires are not something you every really have any control over. People can choose other destinies, and she did.

Perhaps you can tell yourself a story - a line or two - every time you think of this relationship. That line becomes your closure. Let it push out all of the other thoughts. It only has to be true enough for you. I'll suggest something like "She didn't want to be in a relationship such as I had to offer. She wasn't the right person, and this wasn't the right time." That reminds you of what her part in it was, while keeping the part that feels good to you. It sounds like outside of work and your military duties, and outside of your studies, you didn't have much else to think about other than this relationship. Without the other person in it, your mind is still going to that playground and you're now playing with an imaginary person - not who she really was. You've got to find a way to stop that line of thinking, and re-direct it.

Promising to remain friends after a breakup is also something that people say and don't always mean. You don't know what the end is going to be like when you say it; and if you were never friends before, there's not really anything to revert to. Promising to remain friendly would be better, but we can't go back in time.

Removing you from her Facebook life hurts a lot because you'd like to maintain this one-sided fixation. She would like some privacy, and to move on. Your behaviour after your breakup, especially the going on your knees and attempting to salvage the relationship shows you are not trying to remain friends - you are trying to keep her committed to a future you want and she doesn't.

I'm sure you're a nice, dedicated and responsible person - and one who happens to have a lot on your plate. This is a step forward in learning about how both independent and mutual decisions fit into relationships. The balance was off in yours. It would be near-miraculous to get it right so early on, and with so many other things going on in your life. She wasn't the right person, and this wasn't the right time.
posted by peagood at 7:26 AM on April 7, 2012 [1 favorite]


Cheating on you and then treating you badly aren't signs that you are doing something wrong. They are signs that she is immature and unable to break up with someone without DRAMA with a capital DRAMA.

She has the right to break up with you -- the fact that you're giving her what little time you have doesn't mean she has to accept that as all she deserves -- but she did so poorly.

That sucks, but it's really no reflection on you at all.
posted by jacquilynne at 7:40 AM on April 7, 2012


She also said her feelings for me faded

This is really all you need to know; the rest doesn't matter. You can do everything "right" in a relationship but sometimes after 3-6 months or longer, one or both parties will just realize that they're not compatible with, or in love with, the other person in a long-term way. Dating is a chance to find this out about yourselves as a couple before you get into the commitment of marriage. Loving her and acting honorably on your part does not entitle you to her love and undying loyalty in return. You took a chance on this relationship, it didn't work out, and you feel hurt; that's natural. Let her go, try not to nurse a grudge, and in time you'll be ready to take a chance on another relationship.
posted by Orinda at 8:11 AM on April 7, 2012


@ jon1270

I made that statement explicitly because I knew that it is in the disposition of most guys to set a certain restraint on the amount of freedom their partner has access to. Surely, I have no statistical figures to show most guys are like that but going on a long-shot from anecdotal evidences, I think there is a certain quality assumption to assume guys tends to be rather possessive.
Mentioning the fact that I do not in any manner restraint my ex was an attempt to exclude any form of "insecurity" from the equation of our relationship. I always tell her not to return home until she had fun drinking with her friends. Might I add that I'm an introvert and before being in a relationship I tend to enjoy spending much of my time to myself. So being in a relationship in a way forces me to adjust my attitude towards spending more time with her as much as possible-and I did.
posted by Darrylcwc at 8:22 AM on April 7, 2012


You're very busy; you don't really have time for this girl. Just having good feelings about her isn't enough to sustain a relationship; she's perfectly within her rights to want more. Disengage from this girl and keep focusing on you.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:35 AM on April 7, 2012 [1 favorite]


Sometimes you like people more than they like you and that feels awful, but there's nothing you can do about it. Talk to more girls, you'll find someone who likes you as much as you like them, and you'll both be happy.
posted by empath at 8:56 AM on April 7, 2012


It's *so* hard to see it at the time, but later on, you will come to see that a lot of your early relationships won't necessarily have been fixable; some people are just not going to be the right people for you, and you won't be the right person for them, and that's okay, because there's going to be a life out there for you that is way better than your life would have been with this person. Just give it time, and you'll not only be okay, you'll be even better than you were before.

(Also, everybody says they're going to stay friends, and almost nobody does. The only ex of mine I'm really friends with now happened after about five really roundabout years of hating each other's guts. Space is usually healthier.)
posted by gracedissolved at 9:03 AM on April 7, 2012


@ cairdeas

I want to add that my implied intention about her being mean was not premised on grounds of her no longer wanting to be in a relationship with me. Rather, the entire point was blaming me for my lack of time before she even talked to me about this issue. I cannot, by definition, be faulted for something I have no purview or control over.
Secondly, if she wants to walk away from this relationship, that's fine but why resort to cheating before we end the relationship? There is no plausible reason to think otherwise such behavior isn't immature. I made known to her from the onset her life experiences are important and I believe in giving her all the space she needs to mingle with anyone of any sex but come a day where she feels I'm no longer the right one, tell me so there can be a clean break. Cheating is what only a coward would do.
posted by Darrylcwc at 9:05 AM on April 7, 2012


@ honey badger

Yes, you are right. The hardest thing about putting the relationship down is that our psychological mechanism are so predisposed-or at least mine-towards the spectrum of "possibilities".
Relationship are pretty much like quantum mechanics. Given all knowledge of the variables at hand, you cannot with precise accuracy, make a definitive answer, only a probable one. Maddening.
posted by Darrylcwc at 9:09 AM on April 7, 2012


In the midst, she revealed that she made out with her friend of hers and they cuddled to sleep together I suspected it was a particular guy as she was always sending him texts whenever she was on her phone. She also said her feelings for me faded.

It's unclear to me whether she made out with this friend after you broke up in March or before. Could you possibly clarify that point?

She was disappointed with me not spending Valentine's day with her nor spending an entire Christmas day with her. On both occasions, I asked for her opinions as regard my busy schedule on those days. She had no problem with me spending half a day with her on Christmas nor had she any problem with me being tied up with duty on Valentine's day. I was prepared to swap my military duties if she wanted me with her on Valentine's day.

Did you want to spend Valentine's day with her? Maybe she wanted you to want to spend Valentine's day with her and to take the initiative. Her lack of communication of that isn't the most mature way to deal with the situation, but hey, she's 19.

I don't think you necessarily did anything wrong. Sometimes things just don't work out.
posted by postpostpostscript at 9:20 AM on April 7, 2012 [1 favorite]


@ postpostpostscript

She made out with this close male friend of her BEFORE we broke off.

Did I want to? I didn't but I would if she made clear her intention she wanted me to. Valentine's day are nothing more than arbitrary convention. If you were a philosophy lecturer, I might even added that had St Valentine's not existed or the orbital distance between Earth and the Sun been greater or smaller, Valentine's day would have been another day.

Precisely, I can't read her mind as much as she feels it's the most romantic way of establishing a communication. Right now, the people around her and that includes her sister-who is 1 year younger than her-is ostracizing me and telling me how much I am unworthy of her when I'm trying to move on. I'm think I'm doing fine with the moving on part but having your name tainted because her circle of friends around her cannot see what the real problem is, is just frustrating.
posted by Darrylcwc at 9:28 AM on April 7, 2012


...but having your name tainted because her circle of friends around her cannot see what the real problem is, is just frustrating.

So, is this the crux of the issue? Do you really care about them, or do you care about Being Right? I didn't get the idea that your & her circle of friends meshed or overlapped, so, this may be more about Being Right.

From someone older, and possibly wiser: Being Right just isn't worth it, especially when you are talking about a group of late teens-early twenties people. Ignore, move on, and get the best revenge by living a good life.
posted by kellyblah at 10:00 AM on April 7, 2012 [1 favorite]


I mean, maybe, but realistically, no, you didn't do anything wrong.

One of the things that's hard to "get" when you're young and don't have a lot of relationship experience is that things often don't work out even if you did everything "right." Life isn't a video game and people aren't predictable, and they often can't even predict their own feelings. People feel how they feel and want what they want and tough shit, ya know?

No one owes anyone a romantic relationship or even a friendship. We only owe it to people to treat them with respect, which can include severing all ties -- and if someone treats you poorly, and it's not someone you need to see, your best bet is to just say "fuck it" and move on.

You need to back off and leave her alone. Also try to be kind to yourself.
posted by J. Wilson at 10:08 AM on April 7, 2012 [2 favorites]


Is there anywhere I did something wrong?

Yes.

1. You didn't find out whether you needed to make a big deal about your first Valentine's Day together, you just told her you were unavailable. If she wanted to do something to celebrate that day, and you were unavailable, you still could've gotten her something, or made her something, or celebrated it on a different day that you were free. Maybe she didn't want to say "Can we please celebrate Valentine's Day?", maybe she was waiting to see what you would do to celebrate it, even though you were unavailable on the day itself. Instead of anything like that, you tried to break up with her the day after Valentine's day after not spending Valentine's Day with her.

2. You tried to get her back after the breakup. It sounds like there are specific things that she is upset about, namely that you don't have enough time for her. If that's why she broke up with you, and you can't do anything to change that, then she has NO reason to take you back.

3. You expected to remain Facebook friends after the breakup. I mean, that's nice if it happens, but the other person might need space. And it seems like for a couple weeks after the breakup, you were not giving her space, you were trying to get her back. If you want to remain Facebook friends with someone, leave them alone after a breakup.
posted by 23skidoo at 11:01 AM on April 7, 2012


People most of the time are NOT logical. Especially 19 year year old females. Trust me, I was one of them at one time.
posted by eq21 at 5:11 PM on April 7, 2012


@ kellyblah

It isn't the crux of the issue. It forms only a small part of the equation contributing to the unhappiness within me. I don't mingle with her friends and neither do I know them. Let's just say word got out of her Facebook from her sister and her friends that they weren't happy with me. Yea, fuck it.
posted by Darrylcwc at 6:28 PM on April 7, 2012


Sometimes "Fuck it!" is the best closure there is. Seriously. You deserve better and you will find better.
posted by Sidhedevil at 6:40 PM on April 7, 2012 [2 favorites]


[Darrylwc, moderator here; Ask Metafilter is not a spot to chat about your situation. This is not a discussion space, it's a place where you can get answers to specific questions. You need to stop reacting to comments and just read the advice offered and take whatever is useful to help you understand or resolve your problem.]
posted by taz (staff) at 12:10 AM on April 8, 2012


Look, you can't make her love you. She's said she's not interested in pursuing a relationship with you. No matter what her reasons, you will not be able to change them and you need to let her go. She doesn't owe you anything just because you want to be in a relationship with her.
posted by Jilder at 5:05 AM on April 8, 2012


She's too young for you bro. Stop dating girls and look to your peers, women, for future relationships
posted by MangyCarface at 7:58 AM on April 9, 2012


« Older Live mixing with the placement of notes on the...   |   Children's Literature: The Dark Side? Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.