How to navigate dating multiple people?
June 2, 2012 8:07 AM Subscribe
I've found "The One!" Actually, I've found two. What do I do?
About a year ago, I met Karen. She is one of those people that brings light to everyone she meets and brightens every place she goes. She is an artist, and inspired me to go back to my own art and harness my creativity. She is supportive, intelligent, and overwhelmingly beautiful. A few months ago, we started casually (and non-exclusively) dating-- she had just ended a very tumultuous relationship, and didn't want to jump into anything serious. I understood.
While I was in this "don't take it too seriously, don't fuck it up, don't take it too seriously, don't fuck it up" stage, I met Nathan. Nathan and I get along better than most people I know-- we communicate well with one another, make each other laugh, challenge each other, and care about each other. Nathan knows that I have been dating Karen, and hasn't put any pressure on me to commit to him.
I feel uncomfortable with the situation. Even though, technically, everything is on the up and up (Karen knows about Nathan and says she's okay with it, Nathan knows about Karen and says he's okay with it), in my gut it doesn't feel right. They each deserve someone who can commit to them and only them. So--- where do I go from here?
About a year ago, I met Karen. She is one of those people that brings light to everyone she meets and brightens every place she goes. She is an artist, and inspired me to go back to my own art and harness my creativity. She is supportive, intelligent, and overwhelmingly beautiful. A few months ago, we started casually (and non-exclusively) dating-- she had just ended a very tumultuous relationship, and didn't want to jump into anything serious. I understood.
While I was in this "don't take it too seriously, don't fuck it up, don't take it too seriously, don't fuck it up" stage, I met Nathan. Nathan and I get along better than most people I know-- we communicate well with one another, make each other laugh, challenge each other, and care about each other. Nathan knows that I have been dating Karen, and hasn't put any pressure on me to commit to him.
I feel uncomfortable with the situation. Even though, technically, everything is on the up and up (Karen knows about Nathan and says she's okay with it, Nathan knows about Karen and says he's okay with it), in my gut it doesn't feel right. They each deserve someone who can commit to them and only them. So--- where do I go from here?
If they said they are ok with it, you should take them at their word.
And you haven't even begun to tell us which one you like more.
Is the real problem that you don't want them to be ok with non-exclusivity because you don't want either of them to see other people? Maybe the answer is to find out if that could be in the cards, and if it's not with either of them, leave them both.
posted by J. Wilson at 8:13 AM on June 2, 2012 [2 favorites]
And you haven't even begun to tell us which one you like more.
Is the real problem that you don't want them to be ok with non-exclusivity because you don't want either of them to see other people? Maybe the answer is to find out if that could be in the cards, and if it's not with either of them, leave them both.
posted by J. Wilson at 8:13 AM on June 2, 2012 [2 favorites]
Consider reading Opening Up by Tristan Taormino. It's a book about all kinds of consensual nonmonogamy that might help you either acclimate to the idea of multiple relationships, or review the possibilities of where they might go and decide they are not for you.
posted by mismatched at 8:14 AM on June 2, 2012 [5 favorites]
posted by mismatched at 8:14 AM on June 2, 2012 [5 favorites]
It sounds like you're projecting a need for monogamy onto Nathan and Karen, when neither seems to have expressed this need. What they both deserve to have the people they care about respect their decisions and to believe them when they're honest about their feelings and preferences.
You can always ask them "would you rather be dating one person exclusively"? Also, it's only been a few months, and lots can happen over the course of relationships.
posted by Jon_Evil at 8:15 AM on June 2, 2012 [7 favorites]
You can always ask them "would you rather be dating one person exclusively"? Also, it's only been a few months, and lots can happen over the course of relationships.
posted by Jon_Evil at 8:15 AM on June 2, 2012 [7 favorites]
If it doesn't feel right in your gut, then trust your gut feeling. They sound like they could both be marvelous friends -- without necessarily attaching sexual involvement. Unless sparks are flying, why get romantic about either one? Is the chemistry so overwhelmingly compelling that you can't otherwise keep yourself from falling deep into it? If not, then consider friendship before romance.
posted by zagyzebra at 8:27 AM on June 2, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by zagyzebra at 8:27 AM on June 2, 2012 [2 favorites]
what do you want?
posted by elle.jeezy at 8:35 AM on June 2, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by elle.jeezy at 8:35 AM on June 2, 2012 [4 favorites]
Do each of them want someone to commit to them exclusively? Do you want to find someone who you want to commit to exclusively?
Or: can you get to the bottom of what makes it feel wrong in your gut? It may be social training to think each person should have one and only one great match and pursue that to the exclusion of others ... in which case, you have some options to step out of that programming. Or it may be that nonmonogamy isn't right for you, in which case, it would be more honest to yourself and these wonderful people to draw the line as soon as possible
posted by rosa at 8:45 AM on June 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
Or: can you get to the bottom of what makes it feel wrong in your gut? It may be social training to think each person should have one and only one great match and pursue that to the exclusion of others ... in which case, you have some options to step out of that programming. Or it may be that nonmonogamy isn't right for you, in which case, it would be more honest to yourself and these wonderful people to draw the line as soon as possible
posted by rosa at 8:45 AM on June 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
They each deserve someone who can commit to them and only them.
Perhaps they don't want that. Perhaps you should let them make these decisions for themselves.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:03 AM on June 2, 2012 [3 favorites]
Perhaps they don't want that. Perhaps you should let them make these decisions for themselves.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:03 AM on June 2, 2012 [3 favorites]
Sounds like you've inadvertently ended up in a polyamorous situation - and that this is not something you've thought much about before? The best thing you can do is negotiate the situation with everyone involved with you. I find polyamory requires a level of honesty and openness in order to head potential misunderstandings off at the pass - they might still happen anyway, but at least you'll be better prepared to deal with them. (You might want to read The Ethical Slut.)
Probably the most important consideration is the sexual aspect. It's not clear from your question but if you're having sex with multiple people at once I feel it is most ethical to let everyone involved know what you're doing and to use the appropriate protection. You don't necessarily have to get into gritty details but I feel you have a responsibility to adequately inform partners of the risks they're taking with you so they can judge what risks they're okay with and what they're not okay with.
Then there's the emotional - and this is tricky simply because there's not a mainstream roadmap to refer to in how to proceed, so you may think you feel one way about something, but then in a highly-charged moment find out that is not true at all. Or they may say they are okay with something, and then you find out they were just saying that. Now of course you can only go on what you're told but it helps to be sensitive - with your antennae up - and make sure you ask more in depth than you might otherwise so you can be sure you're getting a fairly accurate picture. For a lot of people, talking this stuff out is "less sexy" and "ruins the mood", but in my experience this is much, much better than leaving everything to assumption, because people are different, and assume different things.
So basically you just go to each of your partners and feel out what's okay with them - they already know about each other and say they're okay with it, but since you feel guilty that you're not exclusively committed to either, then you can ask: how much do you want me to tell you - or not tell you! - about what I'm doing with the other person? Is there anything important I should make sure you know? Have you done this before? How did it work when you did it before? That's great information to have and gives you more to go on. And then you think about what you want. What if either of them date other people - how do you feel about that? What if either of them want to get more committed to you - do you envision that as being exclusive? Do they? How do you feel about that?
I personally feel that situations like these offer valuable learning experiences - teaching us more about how we really feel, learning how to be more open in our needs & desires; in how we relate to others, and how others relate to us. It may be outside your comfort zone - and if you turn it over in your head for a while and you're too uncomfortable to proceed, don't! - but if you find you can go in with your eyes open and ready to explore what this has to offer, I have found this is often an opportunity to gain insight you wouldn't otherwise. It gets to the heart of honesty and emotions - there's often an ideal of how we think we feel, and then there's how we actually feel - which is not only good information to discover, it can be revelatory! - in order to have more healthy relationships.
posted by flex at 9:04 AM on June 2, 2012 [4 favorites]
Probably the most important consideration is the sexual aspect. It's not clear from your question but if you're having sex with multiple people at once I feel it is most ethical to let everyone involved know what you're doing and to use the appropriate protection. You don't necessarily have to get into gritty details but I feel you have a responsibility to adequately inform partners of the risks they're taking with you so they can judge what risks they're okay with and what they're not okay with.
Then there's the emotional - and this is tricky simply because there's not a mainstream roadmap to refer to in how to proceed, so you may think you feel one way about something, but then in a highly-charged moment find out that is not true at all. Or they may say they are okay with something, and then you find out they were just saying that. Now of course you can only go on what you're told but it helps to be sensitive - with your antennae up - and make sure you ask more in depth than you might otherwise so you can be sure you're getting a fairly accurate picture. For a lot of people, talking this stuff out is "less sexy" and "ruins the mood", but in my experience this is much, much better than leaving everything to assumption, because people are different, and assume different things.
So basically you just go to each of your partners and feel out what's okay with them - they already know about each other and say they're okay with it, but since you feel guilty that you're not exclusively committed to either, then you can ask: how much do you want me to tell you - or not tell you! - about what I'm doing with the other person? Is there anything important I should make sure you know? Have you done this before? How did it work when you did it before? That's great information to have and gives you more to go on. And then you think about what you want. What if either of them date other people - how do you feel about that? What if either of them want to get more committed to you - do you envision that as being exclusive? Do they? How do you feel about that?
I personally feel that situations like these offer valuable learning experiences - teaching us more about how we really feel, learning how to be more open in our needs & desires; in how we relate to others, and how others relate to us. It may be outside your comfort zone - and if you turn it over in your head for a while and you're too uncomfortable to proceed, don't! - but if you find you can go in with your eyes open and ready to explore what this has to offer, I have found this is often an opportunity to gain insight you wouldn't otherwise. It gets to the heart of honesty and emotions - there's often an ideal of how we think we feel, and then there's how we actually feel - which is not only good information to discover, it can be revelatory! - in order to have more healthy relationships.
posted by flex at 9:04 AM on June 2, 2012 [4 favorites]
What you shouldn't do: Decide what's best for Nate and Karen.
What you should do: Introduce your gut, or your gut feelings, to your partners. Then, after a healthy talk with Nate and Karen, decide what's best for you. Gut feelings are great, but sometimes guts act up when you're about to do something you won't regret or forget (think sky-diving, think falling in love with 2 people at once!)
posted by chyeahokay at 10:27 AM on June 2, 2012
What you should do: Introduce your gut, or your gut feelings, to your partners. Then, after a healthy talk with Nate and Karen, decide what's best for you. Gut feelings are great, but sometimes guts act up when you're about to do something you won't regret or forget (think sky-diving, think falling in love with 2 people at once!)
posted by chyeahokay at 10:27 AM on June 2, 2012
I say talk about it with each of them. They each, may be perfectly happy with the situation as it is and have no expectations for monogamy. Not everyone is wired for that. Tell them that you feel weird about the whole situation and ask them if they truly want a monogamous relationship or not.
The best case scenario is that you all get together in a polyamourous situation. Worst case they each want you to themselves and you have to decide. The probably case: neither one is ready for a commitment so they don't want to impose that on you either.
You've been upfront and honest so far, that's awesome! Keep talking and finding out what you want and what each of them wants.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 10:35 AM on June 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
The best case scenario is that you all get together in a polyamourous situation. Worst case they each want you to themselves and you have to decide. The probably case: neither one is ready for a commitment so they don't want to impose that on you either.
You've been upfront and honest so far, that's awesome! Keep talking and finding out what you want and what each of them wants.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 10:35 AM on June 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
I disagree with the people telling you to check out polyamorous relationship styles if you feel so guilty/uncomfortable. It's very hard for a monogamous person to participate in a polyamorous relationship, regardless of who has more partners.
I mean, if you're open to the idea, go for it (and believe your partners when they tell you they're OK with it). But if your gut twists at the idea and you'd constantly feel dishonest, that is OK and it doesn't make you a bad person or non-edgy or what have you. I'm a firm believer that we're wired to prefer certain relationship styles over others and that is not a bad thing.
However, it does seem a little premature to be considering long-term monogamy with either one considering neither of your relationships has angled toward even short-term monogamy (which is kind of a prerequisite). You would probably benefit from sitting down and talking with both your partners about their long term desires/dreams/goals in order to figure out if you're compatible with them in this regard.
posted by buteo at 11:03 AM on June 2, 2012
I mean, if you're open to the idea, go for it (and believe your partners when they tell you they're OK with it). But if your gut twists at the idea and you'd constantly feel dishonest, that is OK and it doesn't make you a bad person or non-edgy or what have you. I'm a firm believer that we're wired to prefer certain relationship styles over others and that is not a bad thing.
However, it does seem a little premature to be considering long-term monogamy with either one considering neither of your relationships has angled toward even short-term monogamy (which is kind of a prerequisite). You would probably benefit from sitting down and talking with both your partners about their long term desires/dreams/goals in order to figure out if you're compatible with them in this regard.
posted by buteo at 11:03 AM on June 2, 2012
Karen has basically told you that she doesn't want you exclusively, so she's out of the running for the title of "the one." But you still think she's great, and you like being with her.
Nathan may turn out to be a good partner, but you don't know him well enough yet. If you'd like to have an exclusive relationship with someone, keep seeing him and see how it goes. You can stay in touch with Karen, but don't sleep with both if it feels wrong.
There's nothing wrong with preferring monogamy, but don't mistake your uneasiness for concern about what they deserve. You don't feel comfortable being involved with two people, and your mind is coming up with lots of reasons why it's a bad idea.
posted by wryly at 11:34 AM on June 2, 2012
Nathan may turn out to be a good partner, but you don't know him well enough yet. If you'd like to have an exclusive relationship with someone, keep seeing him and see how it goes. You can stay in touch with Karen, but don't sleep with both if it feels wrong.
There's nothing wrong with preferring monogamy, but don't mistake your uneasiness for concern about what they deserve. You don't feel comfortable being involved with two people, and your mind is coming up with lots of reasons why it's a bad idea.
posted by wryly at 11:34 AM on June 2, 2012
I've been in a situation between two front-runners. Neither put pressure on me, but my own brain/gut put pressure on me. Trust what your partners are communicating to you, but also trust what your gut is telling you about yourself.
I didn't like juggling plans and organizing special dates. After a couple months of growing closer to both, I had to pick for my own sanity, but I'm still close with the one I initially broke up with.
Date both for as long as you can. Use the opportunity to remind yourself that *your* happiness is paramount.
posted by itesser at 12:16 PM on June 2, 2012
I didn't like juggling plans and organizing special dates. After a couple months of growing closer to both, I had to pick for my own sanity, but I'm still close with the one I initially broke up with.
Date both for as long as you can. Use the opportunity to remind yourself that *your* happiness is paramount.
posted by itesser at 12:16 PM on June 2, 2012
You seem to have your very own poly relationship. Now Karen and Nathan are happy with it, but are you?
They each deserve someone who can commit to them and only them.
Not if they're not interested in monogamy they don't.
So, now you need to work out what you want.
posted by mleigh at 2:38 PM on June 2, 2012
They each deserve someone who can commit to them and only them.
Not if they're not interested in monogamy they don't.
So, now you need to work out what you want.
posted by mleigh at 2:38 PM on June 2, 2012
Neither person is "The One". Karen doesn't seem to want something serious, and you don't have write anything near as effusive for Nathan as you did for Karen. If you're looking for The One, inasmuch as any such person actually exists, maybe it's time to broaden your search.
posted by 6550 at 3:11 PM on June 2, 2012
posted by 6550 at 3:11 PM on June 2, 2012
You're intrinsically monogamous, and neither of them are (or, they aren't at this stage in their lives). That's why you feel unease about the situation, but they don't.
Do what makes you feel best (as long as it's honest, which is what you're being), and remember that neither of them is showing a palpable interest in monogamy - so if you break up with one for the other, you might scare off the other, too.
If it lasts long enough, and gets good enough, one of them might say, "You know, about that open part of our relationship...", or simply, "You prefer monogamy? I'm prepared to do that for you." It's happened to me.
posted by IAmBroom at 8:52 PM on June 2, 2012
Do what makes you feel best (as long as it's honest, which is what you're being), and remember that neither of them is showing a palpable interest in monogamy - so if you break up with one for the other, you might scare off the other, too.
If it lasts long enough, and gets good enough, one of them might say, "You know, about that open part of our relationship...", or simply, "You prefer monogamy? I'm prepared to do that for you." It's happened to me.
posted by IAmBroom at 8:52 PM on June 2, 2012
Some of us enjoy mixtures of committed and non committed relationships. Varies person to person and time to time. Decide what you like, but don't try to second guess their statements about what they like.
posted by ead at 9:33 PM on June 2, 2012
posted by ead at 9:33 PM on June 2, 2012
Where do you go from here? Decide what you want with the knowledge that all paths are possible if they're right for everyone involved.
If you want monogamy for your life (I can't actually tell from your question whether you want that or just assume it's where you have to end up), be clear with both of them that that's where you're headed.
If you want to be with both of them, be with both of them! Keep communicating. Google polyamory and connect with the thousands of people who are happily and permanently non-monogamous.
I married my two Ones and the three of us are living happily ever after, with a kid and a house and all that. This is much more common than one would think (because in our culture, for now, most such families can't be as out as we are). That said, monogamy is obviously just as valid. All you need is self-examination and time, and above all, good communication with your existing partners about whatever you're figuring out for yourself.
posted by lorimer at 9:36 PM on June 2, 2012
If you want monogamy for your life (I can't actually tell from your question whether you want that or just assume it's where you have to end up), be clear with both of them that that's where you're headed.
If you want to be with both of them, be with both of them! Keep communicating. Google polyamory and connect with the thousands of people who are happily and permanently non-monogamous.
I married my two Ones and the three of us are living happily ever after, with a kid and a house and all that. This is much more common than one would think (because in our culture, for now, most such families can't be as out as we are). That said, monogamy is obviously just as valid. All you need is self-examination and time, and above all, good communication with your existing partners about whatever you're figuring out for yourself.
posted by lorimer at 9:36 PM on June 2, 2012
> What you shouldn't do: Decide what's best for Nate and Karen.
Nthing this. I've been the person in a relationship who has decided what was best for someone else (and learned my lesson not to do this.) I've had my best interests decided for me by someone with whom I was in a relationship, and I'll tell you that it feels like betrayal.
Both situations caused a lot of hurt to both parties that was all the more frustrating for being completely avoidable.
posted by desuetude at 10:37 AM on June 3, 2012
Nthing this. I've been the person in a relationship who has decided what was best for someone else (and learned my lesson not to do this.) I've had my best interests decided for me by someone with whom I was in a relationship, and I'll tell you that it feels like betrayal.
Both situations caused a lot of hurt to both parties that was all the more frustrating for being completely avoidable.
posted by desuetude at 10:37 AM on June 3, 2012
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by rtha at 8:13 AM on June 2, 2012 [9 favorites]