Bringing sexy back?
June 1, 2012 12:35 PM Subscribe
I love my wife, and I'm attracted to my wife, but I don't think about having sex with her anymore, and we haven't had sex for over a year. We've had lots of problems, and we've worked through many of them, but this one is the toughest for us. Is it possible to rekindle our sex life after so much time? Has anyone been able to do that? If so, how? Throw away address: emailzzzzzzzzzz@gmail.com
Just ask. She's noticed and either its fine by her or it's not. Neither one of you is a mind reader. If she's intersted in rekindling, don't make a big deal. Start slow, work your way up. Maybe start with necking, see where that goes. If it's enough for the first time, cool, if not, go a bit further. Pretend you're in high school and you're testing the waters.
The worst thing you can do is not discuss it. If you want sex, let her know, and see what she wants. You're probably not that far apart.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:42 PM on June 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
The worst thing you can do is not discuss it. If you want sex, let her know, and see what she wants. You're probably not that far apart.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:42 PM on June 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
If you both want to start having sex again but it's just too awkward or weird and you don't know how to start, you could try going out to do something fun and getting really tipsy during the event with a fun encounter in mind for when you get home. That might take off a ton of that "first time back" pressure.
posted by Occula at 12:53 PM on June 1, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by Occula at 12:53 PM on June 1, 2012 [4 favorites]
"Honey, I've scheduled two appointments: one with my doctor and one with a therapist who specializes in sexual issues. I'm upset by the direction our sex life has taken, and I want to get to the root of it, because I still love you, and I don't know what's gone wrong with my sex drive."
posted by IAmBroom at 12:54 PM on June 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by IAmBroom at 12:54 PM on June 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
Simple. Read everything published by Athol Kay on his Married Man Sex Life blog.
posted by lotusmish at 1:12 PM on June 1, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by lotusmish at 1:12 PM on June 1, 2012 [3 favorites]
There really isn't enough information in this question to properly answer it. Maybe you have a medical problem. Maybe your wife has been putting on weight. Maybe you're under a lot of stress because of work or money problems. Maybe you're watching too much porn.
But to answer your specific questions, yes this happens. Yes, people can manage to rekindle it.
You need to see a doctor or a therapist to figure out what's going on with you, because it sounds like maybe you haven't spent much time examining what's causing it?
posted by empath at 1:23 PM on June 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
But to answer your specific questions, yes this happens. Yes, people can manage to rekindle it.
You need to see a doctor or a therapist to figure out what's going on with you, because it sounds like maybe you haven't spent much time examining what's causing it?
posted by empath at 1:23 PM on June 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
There's not enough information here. You say you're attracted to her, but I'm gathering it's not sexually? Are you busy, distracted, depressed, and do you think about having sex with others but not your wife? What was your desire level like before? And so on.
I will say that just 'having sex' isn't an activity like bowling that you can do but also, I dunno, forget to do. Nor is it 'important' in a marriage in the same way going to the dentist is important for your teeth. It's all about the two of you and your needs and desires and how they mesh. Is she desperate for it but you're just oblivious? Are you both low-libido? Do you forget because you're into other things or you're too busy with porn and that takes the edge off? With so many options, the likely solutions could be a wide range of things.
Another thorny issue is that sexual desire is sometimes but not always related to the health of a relationship otherwise. Some people (often this is women) only feel desire if they're comfortable with the person and their dynamic. Some people (often this is men) simply want to have sex if they like the body parts of a person and find them aesthetically pleasing. This is only true (even in broad generalization) without serious outside issues like sexual orientation, depression, unmet fetishes, and work-load. For example, some people see sex as connecting emotionally and showing love, and some people are fixated on a fetish that they want to explore, and sometimes this makes partners who love each other sexually incompatible. There's no way to tell from the question if this is a possible issue, but that is what I meant by 'not enough information'.
Anyway, the main way scheduling sex works is if you haven't done it due to the work-load option of the ones I mentioned. If it's depression, fetish, orientation, or most other things, it won't help too much and may put pressure to 'perform'. Try to spend more time together affectionately, do touchy activities more-- swimming together or washing each other's backs, dancing, giving massages, playing sports together, sleeping in sleeping bags together while camping, and so on. Let sex be off the table for at least a month, artificially, and touch each other in friendly caring ways. If you still don't feel sparks of desire at some point, even while (say) you're lathering up her tummy in the bath, then I think this is a basic compatibility issue.
posted by reenka at 1:25 PM on June 1, 2012
I will say that just 'having sex' isn't an activity like bowling that you can do but also, I dunno, forget to do. Nor is it 'important' in a marriage in the same way going to the dentist is important for your teeth. It's all about the two of you and your needs and desires and how they mesh. Is she desperate for it but you're just oblivious? Are you both low-libido? Do you forget because you're into other things or you're too busy with porn and that takes the edge off? With so many options, the likely solutions could be a wide range of things.
Another thorny issue is that sexual desire is sometimes but not always related to the health of a relationship otherwise. Some people (often this is women) only feel desire if they're comfortable with the person and their dynamic. Some people (often this is men) simply want to have sex if they like the body parts of a person and find them aesthetically pleasing. This is only true (even in broad generalization) without serious outside issues like sexual orientation, depression, unmet fetishes, and work-load. For example, some people see sex as connecting emotionally and showing love, and some people are fixated on a fetish that they want to explore, and sometimes this makes partners who love each other sexually incompatible. There's no way to tell from the question if this is a possible issue, but that is what I meant by 'not enough information'.
Anyway, the main way scheduling sex works is if you haven't done it due to the work-load option of the ones I mentioned. If it's depression, fetish, orientation, or most other things, it won't help too much and may put pressure to 'perform'. Try to spend more time together affectionately, do touchy activities more-- swimming together or washing each other's backs, dancing, giving massages, playing sports together, sleeping in sleeping bags together while camping, and so on. Let sex be off the table for at least a month, artificially, and touch each other in friendly caring ways. If you still don't feel sparks of desire at some point, even while (say) you're lathering up her tummy in the bath, then I think this is a basic compatibility issue.
posted by reenka at 1:25 PM on June 1, 2012
Simple. Read everything published by Athol Kay on his Married Man Sex Life blog.
A warning to the OP, Married Man Sex Life is basically a pickup artist blog for married folks. As these things go it's relatively inoffensive, but that has as much to do with the general tenor of the PUA community as anything else. I'm not saying the advice is bad, but know what you're getting.
To the actual question, I'd agree that there's not enough information here. This could a problem with a simple answer, like getting tipsy and going to a hotel room* or it could be a problem that requires therapy. I'd try the simple answers first to see what you're dealing with.
*Don't underestimate the alcohol/fun/hotel room combination. My wife and I have a good sex life, but the sex we have after weddings is phenomenal, mostly because of the above factors.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 1:31 PM on June 1, 2012 [7 favorites]
A warning to the OP, Married Man Sex Life is basically a pickup artist blog for married folks. As these things go it's relatively inoffensive, but that has as much to do with the general tenor of the PUA community as anything else. I'm not saying the advice is bad, but know what you're getting.
To the actual question, I'd agree that there's not enough information here. This could a problem with a simple answer, like getting tipsy and going to a hotel room* or it could be a problem that requires therapy. I'd try the simple answers first to see what you're dealing with.
*Don't underestimate the alcohol/fun/hotel room combination. My wife and I have a good sex life, but the sex we have after weddings is phenomenal, mostly because of the above factors.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 1:31 PM on June 1, 2012 [7 favorites]
Not enough information, definitely, but I want to stress that it's important to find out what's going on from her perspective. You say that you don't think about sex, but does she? Some of the reasons why you might not be thinking about sex might be related to the way that she approaches it.
It might be important to get therapy and seek help, but I think it's important to think about considering this as a problem that affects both of you and may have sources in both of you.
posted by corb at 1:41 PM on June 1, 2012
It might be important to get therapy and seek help, but I think it's important to think about considering this as a problem that affects both of you and may have sources in both of you.
posted by corb at 1:41 PM on June 1, 2012
At this point it sounds like you've got a ton of emotional baggage to the fact that you're not doing it, and would have a ton of emotional baggage if you suddenly started doing it, and frankly that kind of awkwardness after a year is not so sexy, so my advice is quite seriously to knock back a couple of shots of tequila and suck it up. So to speak.
After that you've got to pick a schedule and stick to it for a little while. Nights are really hard. If you have kids, we've found a strategically placed Dora the Explorer can buy some time on the weekends.
For the Little Llama. Not for us. That would be weird.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 2:06 PM on June 1, 2012 [5 favorites]
After that you've got to pick a schedule and stick to it for a little while. Nights are really hard. If you have kids, we've found a strategically placed Dora the Explorer can buy some time on the weekends.
For the Little Llama. Not for us. That would be weird.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 2:06 PM on June 1, 2012 [5 favorites]
I love my wife, and I'm attracted to my wife, but I don't think about having sex with her anymore, and we haven't had sex for over a year.
These are some of the questions you need to ask yourself before you go towards any solution to the problem:
Do you think about having sex with other people (do you have sexual desire generally)?
Does she initiate sex with you?
Do either of you initiate anything sexy/fun that isn't actually PIV sex?
Why are you attracted to her?
What do you love about her?
Do you love her or are you in love with her (is your attraction fondness rather than sexual desire)?
Have you thought about/considered consensual non-monogamy?
Are you/your wife excessively stressed out at work?
Do you/your wife drink/smoke/eat excessively?
Are you/your wife depressed/have anxiety?
There are more but you get the drift - you need to work out what factors might be the actual source of the problem.
It might be as simple as establishing regular funsexytimes sessions or it could be more - I love my wife because she's my best friend but no longer as my partner.
posted by mleigh at 2:12 PM on June 1, 2012
These are some of the questions you need to ask yourself before you go towards any solution to the problem:
Do you think about having sex with other people (do you have sexual desire generally)?
Does she initiate sex with you?
Do either of you initiate anything sexy/fun that isn't actually PIV sex?
Why are you attracted to her?
What do you love about her?
Do you love her or are you in love with her (is your attraction fondness rather than sexual desire)?
Have you thought about/considered consensual non-monogamy?
Are you/your wife excessively stressed out at work?
Do you/your wife drink/smoke/eat excessively?
Are you/your wife depressed/have anxiety?
There are more but you get the drift - you need to work out what factors might be the actual source of the problem.
It might be as simple as establishing regular funsexytimes sessions or it could be more - I love my wife because she's my best friend but no longer as my partner.
posted by mleigh at 2:12 PM on June 1, 2012
Not a guy, here, but I do understand how you can essenially both fall into a routine of not having sex -- and I'm thinking maybe you have some concerns about being rejected after all the problems you indicate have come up.
Taking you at your word that you love and are attracted to your wife -- what kind of person is she? Does she value straight talk above all else? If so, I'd recommend sitting down and talking to her about how much you'd like to try to re-kindle your sex life. Listen to her responses and try out her suggestions. If she is someone who needs to see you demonstrate your love and affection, I'd recommend the usual suspects -- buy her flowers, take her on a date, hold her hand, hug and kiss, and make sure you've got a nice private location and time to move forward. If you can get a regular date night going after that, you'll have a sex life underway. Finally, if she is basically a practical and busy person, I'd nth the suggestions above that you suggest scheduling to her.
A lot depends on her and her style, is what I'm saying. Deal with her according to her preferences and you can break this no-nooky pattern, I think. Needless to say, you'll want to also be somewhat articulate about the fact that you love her and are attracted to her to get the ball rolling, whatever path you take. I, for one, need to hear that from my husband, and I think many women do.
posted by bearwife at 2:38 PM on June 1, 2012
Taking you at your word that you love and are attracted to your wife -- what kind of person is she? Does she value straight talk above all else? If so, I'd recommend sitting down and talking to her about how much you'd like to try to re-kindle your sex life. Listen to her responses and try out her suggestions. If she is someone who needs to see you demonstrate your love and affection, I'd recommend the usual suspects -- buy her flowers, take her on a date, hold her hand, hug and kiss, and make sure you've got a nice private location and time to move forward. If you can get a regular date night going after that, you'll have a sex life underway. Finally, if she is basically a practical and busy person, I'd nth the suggestions above that you suggest scheduling to her.
A lot depends on her and her style, is what I'm saying. Deal with her according to her preferences and you can break this no-nooky pattern, I think. Needless to say, you'll want to also be somewhat articulate about the fact that you love her and are attracted to her to get the ball rolling, whatever path you take. I, for one, need to hear that from my husband, and I think many women do.
posted by bearwife at 2:38 PM on June 1, 2012
Sweetheart, I miss having romance and sex in our relationship. I got a babysitter for Saturday night and I made dinner reservations at Restaurant With Candles. Let's see what develops.
Buy some flowers, and when you get home from dinner, play some music, and neck.
posted by theora55 at 6:18 PM on June 2, 2012
Buy some flowers, and when you get home from dinner, play some music, and neck.
posted by theora55 at 6:18 PM on June 2, 2012
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If not, and if you've found there is just an overall steep drop in your sex drive, have you talked to a doctor?
If so, and if you would prefer to think about having sex with your wife in addition to everyone else you think about (which I assume you would, since you posted this question), have you talked to a couples therapist?
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 12:42 PM on June 1, 2012 [3 favorites]