Not quite deaf, albeit quite lost
April 16, 2012 7:51 AM Subscribe
I'm deaf. I'd like to meet people, make friends, and form meaningful relationships. However, I find it difficult to engage with strangers and people I don't know well. (Warning: long-ish.)
I'm not sure how to start this off (this is my first anon post ever, so be gentle!) so here's some background: 23, male, recent grad ('11) living and working in SF. I have a consulting job that I love and pays amazingly well; I've even been promoted twice since I started. I'm 100% deaf in both ears and have been since age 3, but I've had a cochlear implant in my left ear since then, so... it's been 20 years now, give or take. As a result, I'm able to hear pretty well -- well enough to play the piano pretty competently, well enough to carry on conversations in loud bars, well enough to talk my head off on the phone for hours on end -- you get the idea. My speech -- well, I've been told by all sorts of people that my speech is nearly perfect, and that my accent's a dead ringer for west-coast American; on a bad day, I'm most often mistaken for a wayward German (as well as generic Scandinavian). Almost everyone I meet is surprised to find out that I'm deaf, for what that's worth.
Anyway, I'm writing this post for two reasons: one, I generally find it difficult to engage with strangers in contexts that imply, or seem to me to imply, that social interaction on my part would be welcomed. That might or might not be because of my being deaf. In any case, I feel that it's got to do with a set of social 'rules' that I seem to have internalized for whatever reason, and I'll elaborate on that in a bit. Secondly, I've yet to form a romantic relationship with a person of the opposite gender, and while I know these sorts of relationships obviously aren't be-all end-alls, not having even gotten the chance to dip my toes in the water is starting to frustrate the hell out of me. I want to fix it, and I think whatever I end up doing to break myself out of my shell can only help me on this point.
Since it seems to be a common theme in these sorts of posts here on askmefi, I'd like to get this out of the way: I don't feel that my attractiveness is an issue, although perhaps my inability to internalize or otherwise come to terms with that fact might be an issue in itself; in short, I'm 6'5", and I was a Division I athlete in college. While I was a gigantic nerd in high school, once I got my shit together (towards the end of my sophomore year in college) and figured out how to dress more snappily and carry myself a little more confidently, I got asked out & propositioned quite often. However, due to my general cluelessness, and (in some cases) indifference, things never really went anywhere, either physically or relationship-wise. Now I'm out of college and feel a bit lost socially: while my life is going generally awesomely otherwise, I'm usually bored when not at work or the gym, and I often find myself wishing that I had friends or a partner go out and to do awesome things with.
To me, the crux of my problem seems to be that I feel like if I stick my neck out even a little bit in any context that's at least a tiny bit social -- if I dare to be even the teensiest bit spontaneous in these kinds of contexts -- I'll somehow screw up, look stupid & possibly come off as a bit creepy or too forward. I find it difficult to distinguish between contexts where it'd be Perfectly Okay for me to get to know people better, and contexts where doing so wouldn't be appropriate. Basically, beyond the blindingly obvious ones, I don't feel as if I have a good grasp on the Universal Things Not To Do in social contexts. As a result, I don't even feel 100% comfortable, for example, introducing myself to people I've run into multiple times at work, who work in different departments or groups, and with whom I don't otherwise interact with day in and day out -- even something as simple as "Hey there, I'm $FIRST_NAME, how about you?" feels overly forward to me, and maybe a little desperate too.
I think this is partly because, to me, conversations with strangers or people I don't know well feel like a gamble to an extent that I'm not sure people with 'normal' hearing experience (but maybe I'm wrong about this): the catch-22's that, unless I actually try to talk to you, or you try to talk to me, I don't know if I'll actually be able to understand you well enough to carry on a conversation that doesn't feel awkward. The speech of some people -- maybe about 30 to 40% of the people I meet -- is just intrinsically harder for me to understand than others'. This isn't because of a weird accent or anything of the sort, I've found; it's that your speech or articulation style or whathaveyou just doesn't mesh well with my robot ear at all. Sometimes it gets a *lot* better after a couple of minutes, once I've had the chance to hear you talk a bit more and we've gotten a good conversational rhythm going. It's doubly frustrating because I know I can be pretty goshdurned charismatic but I can't turn that part of me on unless I know you at least a teensy bit well.
I'll try to give a recent real-world example of this -- maybe it's not the best one, but I think it's the sort of situation I find problematic on a daily basis, more or less: the other night, I bought a couple of books at a bookstore not far from where I live. As the girl at the counter was ringing up my purchase, she took a look at one of my books, smiled, and gushed, "oh, I'm a really huge fan of this author!" in a manner such that I was taken aback. I had no idea what she had intended -- maybe she was just being friendly; maybe it was more than that and she wanted to start a conversation with me for god-knows-what reason -- so I replied, perhaps a little meekly, that I was just getting into that author and, well, that was pretty much it. I felt sort of hemmed in the whole time, as if I couldn't figure out where to go next, and considering that she seemed friendly & attractive and perhaps the type of person I'd like to get to know better, I didn't know if I should've tried to continue the conversation (keeping in mind that she was busy working, there were people behind me in line, etc., although she seemed receptive) or if I was right to have dropped it then and there. I usually err on the side of taking the easy out in these sorts of situations, because, for the most part, I feel like I shouldn't overstay whatever conversational welcome I've got.
So -- I'd like to be able to keep the ball rolling with strangers who make these sorts of friendly overtures towards me, while also having some sensible boundaries in mind. But at the same time (and this is another issue I have to deal with -- I know it's irrational, but just how irrational?) it's like part of my brain's telling me that it's only creepy, friendless losers who have to do this, whose prospects are such that they feel the need to engage strangers with the hope of turning them into friends (or more!) -- basically, that I should do an about-face and instead try to make friends and meet people through the few friends I've got now. However, I don't know if my friends' social circles would be good matches for me (they skew older, and tend to have wildly different interests), so I tried out some meetup.com events. That was sort of a mixed bag; while I enjoyed the events themselves, I felt so lost in the crowd and the meetup cliques -- it's so difficult for me to follow and participate in most group conversations in a social (as opposed to professional) context -- that I couldn't really get to know people there, even though we ostensibly had at least some stuff in common.
Anyhoo, to sum it all up: I don't know where to go from here, and I don't know whether these inhibitions are reasonable and also if they might have anything to do with me being in this weird not-quite-deaf-but-not-quite hearing limbo. Should I just accept things as they are, knowing that it'll never get easier unless I suck it up, acknowledge & push back against my inhibitions, and put myself out there just a a teensy bit more? Should I seek professional help? Should I give meetups another shot, and try OkCupid (I'd like to, but I don't know how to feel about the prospect of maybe having to send out a whole bunch of messages)? I'm not really shooting for the moon here. At the end of the day, pretty much all I'd like to do is to be able to ultimately meet someone who I dig and who digs me back, and if that calls for making a bunch of friends and acquaintances and hangers-on (ok, I'm kidding about that last one) on the way there, that's awesome too. That's all.
Also, just in case anyone feels like getting in touch, or if you've got more questions, or if you've got first-hand experience with people (deaf or not, it doesn't really matter) whom've successfully surmounted similar issues, I've made a throwaway at generic.mefi.throwaway.email@gmail.com.
(P.S.: If anybody's got any recommendations for convivial cafes/bars in and around SF/Oakland/Berkeley, I'd really appreciate it! I used to do that sort of thing in college, and I've had trouble finding good places around here to go to read a book, say.)
(P.P.S.: I'm really not usually this longwinded IRL!)
I'm not sure how to start this off (this is my first anon post ever, so be gentle!) so here's some background: 23, male, recent grad ('11) living and working in SF. I have a consulting job that I love and pays amazingly well; I've even been promoted twice since I started. I'm 100% deaf in both ears and have been since age 3, but I've had a cochlear implant in my left ear since then, so... it's been 20 years now, give or take. As a result, I'm able to hear pretty well -- well enough to play the piano pretty competently, well enough to carry on conversations in loud bars, well enough to talk my head off on the phone for hours on end -- you get the idea. My speech -- well, I've been told by all sorts of people that my speech is nearly perfect, and that my accent's a dead ringer for west-coast American; on a bad day, I'm most often mistaken for a wayward German (as well as generic Scandinavian). Almost everyone I meet is surprised to find out that I'm deaf, for what that's worth.
Anyway, I'm writing this post for two reasons: one, I generally find it difficult to engage with strangers in contexts that imply, or seem to me to imply, that social interaction on my part would be welcomed. That might or might not be because of my being deaf. In any case, I feel that it's got to do with a set of social 'rules' that I seem to have internalized for whatever reason, and I'll elaborate on that in a bit. Secondly, I've yet to form a romantic relationship with a person of the opposite gender, and while I know these sorts of relationships obviously aren't be-all end-alls, not having even gotten the chance to dip my toes in the water is starting to frustrate the hell out of me. I want to fix it, and I think whatever I end up doing to break myself out of my shell can only help me on this point.
Since it seems to be a common theme in these sorts of posts here on askmefi, I'd like to get this out of the way: I don't feel that my attractiveness is an issue, although perhaps my inability to internalize or otherwise come to terms with that fact might be an issue in itself; in short, I'm 6'5", and I was a Division I athlete in college. While I was a gigantic nerd in high school, once I got my shit together (towards the end of my sophomore year in college) and figured out how to dress more snappily and carry myself a little more confidently, I got asked out & propositioned quite often. However, due to my general cluelessness, and (in some cases) indifference, things never really went anywhere, either physically or relationship-wise. Now I'm out of college and feel a bit lost socially: while my life is going generally awesomely otherwise, I'm usually bored when not at work or the gym, and I often find myself wishing that I had friends or a partner go out and to do awesome things with.
To me, the crux of my problem seems to be that I feel like if I stick my neck out even a little bit in any context that's at least a tiny bit social -- if I dare to be even the teensiest bit spontaneous in these kinds of contexts -- I'll somehow screw up, look stupid & possibly come off as a bit creepy or too forward. I find it difficult to distinguish between contexts where it'd be Perfectly Okay for me to get to know people better, and contexts where doing so wouldn't be appropriate. Basically, beyond the blindingly obvious ones, I don't feel as if I have a good grasp on the Universal Things Not To Do in social contexts. As a result, I don't even feel 100% comfortable, for example, introducing myself to people I've run into multiple times at work, who work in different departments or groups, and with whom I don't otherwise interact with day in and day out -- even something as simple as "Hey there, I'm $FIRST_NAME, how about you?" feels overly forward to me, and maybe a little desperate too.
I think this is partly because, to me, conversations with strangers or people I don't know well feel like a gamble to an extent that I'm not sure people with 'normal' hearing experience (but maybe I'm wrong about this): the catch-22's that, unless I actually try to talk to you, or you try to talk to me, I don't know if I'll actually be able to understand you well enough to carry on a conversation that doesn't feel awkward. The speech of some people -- maybe about 30 to 40% of the people I meet -- is just intrinsically harder for me to understand than others'. This isn't because of a weird accent or anything of the sort, I've found; it's that your speech or articulation style or whathaveyou just doesn't mesh well with my robot ear at all. Sometimes it gets a *lot* better after a couple of minutes, once I've had the chance to hear you talk a bit more and we've gotten a good conversational rhythm going. It's doubly frustrating because I know I can be pretty goshdurned charismatic but I can't turn that part of me on unless I know you at least a teensy bit well.
I'll try to give a recent real-world example of this -- maybe it's not the best one, but I think it's the sort of situation I find problematic on a daily basis, more or less: the other night, I bought a couple of books at a bookstore not far from where I live. As the girl at the counter was ringing up my purchase, she took a look at one of my books, smiled, and gushed, "oh, I'm a really huge fan of this author!" in a manner such that I was taken aback. I had no idea what she had intended -- maybe she was just being friendly; maybe it was more than that and she wanted to start a conversation with me for god-knows-what reason -- so I replied, perhaps a little meekly, that I was just getting into that author and, well, that was pretty much it. I felt sort of hemmed in the whole time, as if I couldn't figure out where to go next, and considering that she seemed friendly & attractive and perhaps the type of person I'd like to get to know better, I didn't know if I should've tried to continue the conversation (keeping in mind that she was busy working, there were people behind me in line, etc., although she seemed receptive) or if I was right to have dropped it then and there. I usually err on the side of taking the easy out in these sorts of situations, because, for the most part, I feel like I shouldn't overstay whatever conversational welcome I've got.
So -- I'd like to be able to keep the ball rolling with strangers who make these sorts of friendly overtures towards me, while also having some sensible boundaries in mind. But at the same time (and this is another issue I have to deal with -- I know it's irrational, but just how irrational?) it's like part of my brain's telling me that it's only creepy, friendless losers who have to do this, whose prospects are such that they feel the need to engage strangers with the hope of turning them into friends (or more!) -- basically, that I should do an about-face and instead try to make friends and meet people through the few friends I've got now. However, I don't know if my friends' social circles would be good matches for me (they skew older, and tend to have wildly different interests), so I tried out some meetup.com events. That was sort of a mixed bag; while I enjoyed the events themselves, I felt so lost in the crowd and the meetup cliques -- it's so difficult for me to follow and participate in most group conversations in a social (as opposed to professional) context -- that I couldn't really get to know people there, even though we ostensibly had at least some stuff in common.
Anyhoo, to sum it all up: I don't know where to go from here, and I don't know whether these inhibitions are reasonable and also if they might have anything to do with me being in this weird not-quite-deaf-but-not-quite hearing limbo. Should I just accept things as they are, knowing that it'll never get easier unless I suck it up, acknowledge & push back against my inhibitions, and put myself out there just a a teensy bit more? Should I seek professional help? Should I give meetups another shot, and try OkCupid (I'd like to, but I don't know how to feel about the prospect of maybe having to send out a whole bunch of messages)? I'm not really shooting for the moon here. At the end of the day, pretty much all I'd like to do is to be able to ultimately meet someone who I dig and who digs me back, and if that calls for making a bunch of friends and acquaintances and hangers-on (ok, I'm kidding about that last one) on the way there, that's awesome too. That's all.
Also, just in case anyone feels like getting in touch, or if you've got more questions, or if you've got first-hand experience with people (deaf or not, it doesn't really matter) whom've successfully surmounted similar issues, I've made a throwaway at generic.mefi.throwaway.email@gmail.com.
(P.S.: If anybody's got any recommendations for convivial cafes/bars in and around SF/Oakland/Berkeley, I'd really appreciate it! I used to do that sort of thing in college, and I've had trouble finding good places around here to go to read a book, say.)
(P.P.S.: I'm really not usually this longwinded IRL!)
I have no answers, really, but this askme is really awesome, and I hope you get some good advice.
My only offer is to think about the thing that makes you different as separate from the things that make you normal, understanding of course how your hearing difficulties can get in the way of that.
The girl at the counter? Well, you ask her a question. Something like "I'm just discovering this writer, what is it you like best about their work?" or something to that effect.
The important thing is to remember what people say through your nervousness! Next time you see the person at the checkout, remark on that author, whatever struck you.
I guess, being interested and curious is a good way to break through your shell. The trick is to remember! So many times I am too nervous in a social situation and I completely forget what was said.
posted by roboton666 at 8:07 AM on April 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
My only offer is to think about the thing that makes you different as separate from the things that make you normal, understanding of course how your hearing difficulties can get in the way of that.
The girl at the counter? Well, you ask her a question. Something like "I'm just discovering this writer, what is it you like best about their work?" or something to that effect.
The important thing is to remember what people say through your nervousness! Next time you see the person at the checkout, remark on that author, whatever struck you.
I guess, being interested and curious is a good way to break through your shell. The trick is to remember! So many times I am too nervous in a social situation and I completely forget what was said.
posted by roboton666 at 8:07 AM on April 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
this weird not-quite-deaf-but-not-quite hearing limbo.
Hey, you're not alone in this! I'm 37, been mostly deaf since birth, and I can hear okay due to super-powered BTE hearing aids. I had speech therapy for years and still have a little deaf accent, but can mostly be understood.
I don't really see what the bulk of your question has to do with being deaf, though, but I'm only going to address that part, I'm sure others will have suggestions on how to meet people. Is it hard for you to tell people you're deaf? I assure you that no one cares. Be direct about how they can accommodate you. Can you read lips? Make sure that people face you. Don't be shy about asking them to repeat themselves. Repeat stuff back to them if you're not sure you understood them. ("So you took a trip to North Carolina?" "No, South" "Oh, right, South Carolina, got it")
posted by desjardins at 8:10 AM on April 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
Hey, you're not alone in this! I'm 37, been mostly deaf since birth, and I can hear okay due to super-powered BTE hearing aids. I had speech therapy for years and still have a little deaf accent, but can mostly be understood.
I don't really see what the bulk of your question has to do with being deaf, though, but I'm only going to address that part, I'm sure others will have suggestions on how to meet people. Is it hard for you to tell people you're deaf? I assure you that no one cares. Be direct about how they can accommodate you. Can you read lips? Make sure that people face you. Don't be shy about asking them to repeat themselves. Repeat stuff back to them if you're not sure you understood them. ("So you took a trip to North Carolina?" "No, South" "Oh, right, South Carolina, got it")
posted by desjardins at 8:10 AM on April 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
and tend to have wildly different interests
Well...what are your interests? I can tell you that I'm super awkward (dyspraxic, though like you, I'm normal looking enough that most people have no idea!) and things got much better for me when I focused on finding people who shared my niche interests. It's easier for me to talk to them and find things to do together. Also, you kind of have to face the fact that most things you do will be a bust. I've done meetups for 2 years and maybe only met 3 friends from it, but those friends are important. I think I would have made more if I had the resources to followup in NYC, but I was always so pressed for time and money there. Things are easier for me in Chicago because I can invite people to things and I'm hoping to get an apartment soon where I can host dinner parties. Meetups are for making initial connections, but the followup is crucial.
posted by melissam at 8:12 AM on April 16, 2012
Well...what are your interests? I can tell you that I'm super awkward (dyspraxic, though like you, I'm normal looking enough that most people have no idea!) and things got much better for me when I focused on finding people who shared my niche interests. It's easier for me to talk to them and find things to do together. Also, you kind of have to face the fact that most things you do will be a bust. I've done meetups for 2 years and maybe only met 3 friends from it, but those friends are important. I think I would have made more if I had the resources to followup in NYC, but I was always so pressed for time and money there. Things are easier for me in Chicago because I can invite people to things and I'm hoping to get an apartment soon where I can host dinner parties. Meetups are for making initial connections, but the followup is crucial.
posted by melissam at 8:12 AM on April 16, 2012
To me, the crux of my problem seems to be that I feel like if I stick my neck out even a little bit in any context that's at least a tiny bit social -- if I dare to be even the teensiest bit spontaneous in these kinds of contexts -- I'll somehow screw up, look stupid & possibly come off as a bit creepy or too forward.
Be kind to yourself. It seems like you are imposing expectations and rules onto your social interactions which you don't need to impose. I am always grateful for the person who breaks the ice / does the introductions because I, as a shy person, sometimes feel the same way you do. So if you feel inclined to do some of these things for me, I appreciate it. I'm also not scrutinizing your actions nearly as much as you are. Mostly I'm just worried that I'll somehow screw up and look stupid.
The actual rules for social interaction are a lot more forgiving than the ones you seem to have internalized. Check out Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior if you want to know the actual rules. It's a thick book, but the rules are really pretty simple. People will generally like it if you make them feel comfortable and appreciated but not put on the spot. As long as people think you're doing those things, they will forgive your minor missteps when they even notice them at all, which happens a lot less often than you think they are. Trust me, nobody is scrutinizing your side of the conversation nearly as much as you are.
When do you introduce yourself? When it would be weird not to. So not when passing on the street, but when you're going to be together with someone for longer than, say, a long elevator ride. When you're doing something together, even if the something is just "being in this room / at this party / in this conference. It's not unacceptably forward: you're supplying a bit of information which the other person might need, and you're breaking the ice. You're acknowledging the other person and making them comfortable.
As far as conversation goes, think of it like a game of catch. "I love this author" is an okay opening to a game of catch, because it invites but does not demand a response the way a question would. You can either say "yeah me too!" and smile and leave it at that, or you can throw the ball back to her with "so do I, I love how she [does something in her books that appeals to you.] Have you read [earlier work]?" If she wants to, she'll throw the ball back to you with another question or whatever, if she's done she'll start smiling-and-nodding which is your cue to say "well, thanks! I've got to go. Have a nice day!" and leave. This sort of thing is a low-stakes enterprise: in all likelihood the sales clerk at the bookstore isn't going to think anything one way or another about you once you've left. So use it for practice making small talk.* Eye contact. Smile. Keep tossing that ball back until you don't want to anymore, or until the other person stops.
Keep in mind that you are in one of the difficult stages of life, socially. It's just hard to meet people and make friends in your couple of years out of college. It's not you, it's that nobody is putting people together the way school and college did. So, again, be kind to yourself, don't worry too much about being forward, and try to play catch with someone every day.
* Note that female retail workers and servers and baristas get hit on all the damn time and it's generally really annoying, so try to let them start these conversations instead of, you know, going up and complimenting them on their earrings or whatever.
posted by gauche at 8:35 AM on April 16, 2012 [5 favorites]
Be kind to yourself. It seems like you are imposing expectations and rules onto your social interactions which you don't need to impose. I am always grateful for the person who breaks the ice / does the introductions because I, as a shy person, sometimes feel the same way you do. So if you feel inclined to do some of these things for me, I appreciate it. I'm also not scrutinizing your actions nearly as much as you are. Mostly I'm just worried that I'll somehow screw up and look stupid.
The actual rules for social interaction are a lot more forgiving than the ones you seem to have internalized. Check out Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior if you want to know the actual rules. It's a thick book, but the rules are really pretty simple. People will generally like it if you make them feel comfortable and appreciated but not put on the spot. As long as people think you're doing those things, they will forgive your minor missteps when they even notice them at all, which happens a lot less often than you think they are. Trust me, nobody is scrutinizing your side of the conversation nearly as much as you are.
When do you introduce yourself? When it would be weird not to. So not when passing on the street, but when you're going to be together with someone for longer than, say, a long elevator ride. When you're doing something together, even if the something is just "being in this room / at this party / in this conference. It's not unacceptably forward: you're supplying a bit of information which the other person might need, and you're breaking the ice. You're acknowledging the other person and making them comfortable.
As far as conversation goes, think of it like a game of catch. "I love this author" is an okay opening to a game of catch, because it invites but does not demand a response the way a question would. You can either say "yeah me too!" and smile and leave it at that, or you can throw the ball back to her with "so do I, I love how she [does something in her books that appeals to you.] Have you read [earlier work]?" If she wants to, she'll throw the ball back to you with another question or whatever, if she's done she'll start smiling-and-nodding which is your cue to say "well, thanks! I've got to go. Have a nice day!" and leave. This sort of thing is a low-stakes enterprise: in all likelihood the sales clerk at the bookstore isn't going to think anything one way or another about you once you've left. So use it for practice making small talk.* Eye contact. Smile. Keep tossing that ball back until you don't want to anymore, or until the other person stops.
Keep in mind that you are in one of the difficult stages of life, socially. It's just hard to meet people and make friends in your couple of years out of college. It's not you, it's that nobody is putting people together the way school and college did. So, again, be kind to yourself, don't worry too much about being forward, and try to play catch with someone every day.
* Note that female retail workers and servers and baristas get hit on all the damn time and it's generally really annoying, so try to let them start these conversations instead of, you know, going up and complimenting them on their earrings or whatever.
posted by gauche at 8:35 AM on April 16, 2012 [5 favorites]
Here's some social rules that I think would work around my part of the world:
It's OK to start a conversation with anyone if they are not obviously busy, wearing headphones, reading a book, etc. There's one other exception, which is when the other person is female and you're in a dubious area in the dark, or in a lift with them at 4am, or in some other situation where your sheer existence in that spot makes you a potential threat. In that case, shut up.
A first conversation with someone should be light (no politics, nothing personal) and relevant to the context you are in. If you're walking the dog, talk about dogs, if you're buying a book, talk about the book, ask how they liked the yoga class you were just at, etc.
If the other person starts providing rather terse answers, stop trying and leave them alone. They may not want a conversation, this is normal and fine, it doesn't mean you messed up.
Do not hit on the person during the first conversation, do not comment on their physical attractiveness (although the attractiveness of their clothing is fair game). Do feel free to ask for their number at the end of the conversation if you'd like it, unless they are working a service job (as in, you are talking to the lady selling you coffee). Don't feel bad if they say no.
If someone else starts a conversation with you, it's fine to continue it in the same vein. It's also fine to close it down with a terse reply, if you don't want to talk.
Personally, I'll happily talk to strangers, I know plenty of people to do, and it's not in the least because we're desperate for friends. It's just a pleasant way to pass the time, to engage in the community we live in, to discuss the art at the museum, or whatever.
posted by emilyw at 8:56 AM on April 16, 2012 [3 favorites]
It's OK to start a conversation with anyone if they are not obviously busy, wearing headphones, reading a book, etc. There's one other exception, which is when the other person is female and you're in a dubious area in the dark, or in a lift with them at 4am, or in some other situation where your sheer existence in that spot makes you a potential threat. In that case, shut up.
A first conversation with someone should be light (no politics, nothing personal) and relevant to the context you are in. If you're walking the dog, talk about dogs, if you're buying a book, talk about the book, ask how they liked the yoga class you were just at, etc.
If the other person starts providing rather terse answers, stop trying and leave them alone. They may not want a conversation, this is normal and fine, it doesn't mean you messed up.
Do not hit on the person during the first conversation, do not comment on their physical attractiveness (although the attractiveness of their clothing is fair game). Do feel free to ask for their number at the end of the conversation if you'd like it, unless they are working a service job (as in, you are talking to the lady selling you coffee). Don't feel bad if they say no.
If someone else starts a conversation with you, it's fine to continue it in the same vein. It's also fine to close it down with a terse reply, if you don't want to talk.
Personally, I'll happily talk to strangers, I know plenty of people to do, and it's not in the least because we're desperate for friends. It's just a pleasant way to pass the time, to engage in the community we live in, to discuss the art at the museum, or whatever.
posted by emilyw at 8:56 AM on April 16, 2012 [3 favorites]
I don't really see what the bulk of your question has to do with being deaf,
I think it's the part where the OP mentioned that "The speech of some people -- maybe about 30 to 40% of the people I meet -- is just intrinsically harder for me to understand than others" so I think the potential for the conversation to take that much longer to find its pace is maybe what's causing anxiety. (That was just my reading of it.)
OP, I suspect 80% of this is just generic, run-of-the-mill, common Ask social insecurity. I would take a three-pronged approach here. One, I'd make an observational study of humans in the wild and start really paying attention to how chitchat works. Two, I'd join some local meet-ups to practice those skills so you gain a little confidence. Three, if you want to date, I'd strongly suggest online dating because the parameters ("is this a boy/girl thing or no?") will be clearer to you.
In terms of making that work for you, I'd be upfront in your profile with a statement like "I have hearing aids, so it can take me a few minutes to get used to new voices but that normally straightens out pretty fast." I would not be specific enough to say "I'm Deaf," because a very large percentage of hearing people mis-understand that to mean "I can't hear at all" and combined with the thing about new voices will just make them think, "Wait, what?"
posted by DarlingBri at 9:12 AM on April 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
I think it's the part where the OP mentioned that "The speech of some people -- maybe about 30 to 40% of the people I meet -- is just intrinsically harder for me to understand than others" so I think the potential for the conversation to take that much longer to find its pace is maybe what's causing anxiety. (That was just my reading of it.)
OP, I suspect 80% of this is just generic, run-of-the-mill, common Ask social insecurity. I would take a three-pronged approach here. One, I'd make an observational study of humans in the wild and start really paying attention to how chitchat works. Two, I'd join some local meet-ups to practice those skills so you gain a little confidence. Three, if you want to date, I'd strongly suggest online dating because the parameters ("is this a boy/girl thing or no?") will be clearer to you.
In terms of making that work for you, I'd be upfront in your profile with a statement like "I have hearing aids, so it can take me a few minutes to get used to new voices but that normally straightens out pretty fast." I would not be specific enough to say "I'm Deaf," because a very large percentage of hearing people mis-understand that to mean "I can't hear at all" and combined with the thing about new voices will just make them think, "Wait, what?"
posted by DarlingBri at 9:12 AM on April 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
part of my brain's telling me that it's only creepy, friendless losers who have to do this, whose prospects are such that they feel the need to engage strangers with the hope of turning them into friends
About two years ago I became friends with the biggest extrovert I have ever been friends with so far. She is one of those people who can move anywhere and have a circle of friends in a few months or weeks. It's been really fascinating for me to observe her. One of the things she does is that she will talk to anyone and she is open to making friends anytime, any place. In your bookstore example she would have definitely replied to what the clerk said and kept chatting for a bit. Sometimes she overdoes it and I cringe, like for example we were at this bar where the bartender could have been a Playboy model, and so many guys were trying to chat the bartender up that she could barely work. When the bartender came around to take our order my extrovert friend started trying to chat with her too, not trying to pick her up but just wanting to chat about the bar, the music she was playing, etc. It was clear the poor girl just wanted to take our order and be done with it but my friend was oblivious. So those are the flip sides, because my friend is a little oblivious to people not wanting to chat she annoys people more that a more introverted and self-conscious person would. But she makes friends more quickly too just because of the numbers, she ends up also chatting to more people who are happy to chat and make friends.
posted by cairdeas at 10:08 AM on April 16, 2012 [3 favorites]
About two years ago I became friends with the biggest extrovert I have ever been friends with so far. She is one of those people who can move anywhere and have a circle of friends in a few months or weeks. It's been really fascinating for me to observe her. One of the things she does is that she will talk to anyone and she is open to making friends anytime, any place. In your bookstore example she would have definitely replied to what the clerk said and kept chatting for a bit. Sometimes she overdoes it and I cringe, like for example we were at this bar where the bartender could have been a Playboy model, and so many guys were trying to chat the bartender up that she could barely work. When the bartender came around to take our order my extrovert friend started trying to chat with her too, not trying to pick her up but just wanting to chat about the bar, the music she was playing, etc. It was clear the poor girl just wanted to take our order and be done with it but my friend was oblivious. So those are the flip sides, because my friend is a little oblivious to people not wanting to chat she annoys people more that a more introverted and self-conscious person would. But she makes friends more quickly too just because of the numbers, she ends up also chatting to more people who are happy to chat and make friends.
posted by cairdeas at 10:08 AM on April 16, 2012 [3 favorites]
I'll somehow screw up, look stupid & possibly come off as a bit creepy or too forward
Forward is fine. Don't worry about that, as long as you're honest. Creepy? Don't say creepy things. For example, "Wow, I really like that outfit!" - that's forward. "Wow, I really like that outfit - it reminds me of the one they buried my grandmother in." - that's weird. "Wow, I really like that outfit. I'd like to add it to my collection." - that's creepy.
When I was your age, I had similar problems and an older friend helped solve it by reducing my anxiety to two simple sentences, "You're not afraid that she'll say 'no'. You're afraid that she'll say 'yes'."
Pay an honest compliment and follow it with an introduction.
posted by plinth at 10:17 AM on April 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
Forward is fine. Don't worry about that, as long as you're honest. Creepy? Don't say creepy things. For example, "Wow, I really like that outfit!" - that's forward. "Wow, I really like that outfit - it reminds me of the one they buried my grandmother in." - that's weird. "Wow, I really like that outfit. I'd like to add it to my collection." - that's creepy.
When I was your age, I had similar problems and an older friend helped solve it by reducing my anxiety to two simple sentences, "You're not afraid that she'll say 'no'. You're afraid that she'll say 'yes'."
Pay an honest compliment and follow it with an introduction.
posted by plinth at 10:17 AM on April 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
I don't know where to go from here, and I don't know whether these inhibitions are reasonable and also if they might have anything to do with me being in this weird not-quite-deaf-but-not-quite hearing limbo.
You sound like a normal introvert. There's nothing wrong with that. I don't think any of your issues have to do with being deaf. I've seen deaf people who are chatty, and I've seen people who can hear that are socially awkward. Most people won't even care if you have an accent. My mom still has a thick Portuguese accent even after 30 years of being in the USA, but people still enjoy talking to her. The worst that happens is that someone will ask her to repeat something that she said. Neither party even bats an eye when this happens. You'll find that the issues and social faux-pas's you are most sensitive of, no one even really notices or cares.
Instead of looking at being deaf as a barrier to you being social, you should consider that being an introvert is a problem on it's own, and then tackle that issue separately. It will probably tough to do this because you probably spent most of your life identifying yourself as someone different from everyone else, someone that no one can really relate to because you're deaf. I'm sure this made you feel very lonely at times, and you have my condolences. But now that you can hear pretty well, and have been for quite some time, it's reasonable to believe that being deaf is no longer causing you to be an introvert. They were likely related at one point in time, but not anymore, and they are now are independent issues.
About 50% of the population are introverts, and I think if you reach out to them, you could probably relate to them better than any other social group out there. The neat thing about being an introvert is that there are so many different reasons that cause people to grow up and become introverts, EVERY story just happens to be unique. Your story is just as unique as everyone else's. So by being unique, you are already a part of a huge group out there that are just like you: wanting to be social, but find it difficult and awkward. Most introverts have difficulty talking to the lady at the bookstore, or joining social groups, like meetup, so you're aren't alone. There are many AskMe threads on the subject of introversion, and I suggest that you take a look at a few of them for guidance. You may also want to get in touch with those thread posters to talk about their experiences and how they overcame their introversion.
I wish you luck!
posted by nikkorizz at 10:50 AM on April 16, 2012
You sound like a normal introvert. There's nothing wrong with that. I don't think any of your issues have to do with being deaf. I've seen deaf people who are chatty, and I've seen people who can hear that are socially awkward. Most people won't even care if you have an accent. My mom still has a thick Portuguese accent even after 30 years of being in the USA, but people still enjoy talking to her. The worst that happens is that someone will ask her to repeat something that she said. Neither party even bats an eye when this happens. You'll find that the issues and social faux-pas's you are most sensitive of, no one even really notices or cares.
Instead of looking at being deaf as a barrier to you being social, you should consider that being an introvert is a problem on it's own, and then tackle that issue separately. It will probably tough to do this because you probably spent most of your life identifying yourself as someone different from everyone else, someone that no one can really relate to because you're deaf. I'm sure this made you feel very lonely at times, and you have my condolences. But now that you can hear pretty well, and have been for quite some time, it's reasonable to believe that being deaf is no longer causing you to be an introvert. They were likely related at one point in time, but not anymore, and they are now are independent issues.
About 50% of the population are introverts, and I think if you reach out to them, you could probably relate to them better than any other social group out there. The neat thing about being an introvert is that there are so many different reasons that cause people to grow up and become introverts, EVERY story just happens to be unique. Your story is just as unique as everyone else's. So by being unique, you are already a part of a huge group out there that are just like you: wanting to be social, but find it difficult and awkward. Most introverts have difficulty talking to the lady at the bookstore, or joining social groups, like meetup, so you're aren't alone. There are many AskMe threads on the subject of introversion, and I suggest that you take a look at a few of them for guidance. You may also want to get in touch with those thread posters to talk about their experiences and how they overcame their introversion.
I wish you luck!
posted by nikkorizz at 10:50 AM on April 16, 2012
I don't know what the correct syntax is, but while you have deafness, the cochlear implant means you have hearing, so aren't really deaf. I don't blame you for being very conscious of it, but you can practice saying "I use a bionic implant to hear because my hearing was damaged during childhood" until it feels like no big deal (cause it's not a big deal). The hardest part is probably telling people. If you have a bad side for hearing, practice that disclosure, as well. Nice people will try to accommodate you when they don't forget; don't hang out with people who aren't nice.
Take some risks. The girl at the store, who knows. Go in a few more times, maybe you can make a new friend, maybe she'll meet you for coffee. That sounds like a very good risk to take, low stakes if you bomb, possible big win. (I met my ex-husband in a bookstore. At least he's literate.) Being rejected really sucks, but the part when you don't get rejected or sweetly turned down, etc., is really good.
posted by theora55 at 12:09 PM on April 16, 2012
Take some risks. The girl at the store, who knows. Go in a few more times, maybe you can make a new friend, maybe she'll meet you for coffee. That sounds like a very good risk to take, low stakes if you bomb, possible big win. (I met my ex-husband in a bookstore. At least he's literate.) Being rejected really sucks, but the part when you don't get rejected or sweetly turned down, etc., is really good.
posted by theora55 at 12:09 PM on April 16, 2012
I recently had a friend and co-worker ask me during a carpool how it was that I made friends so easily, and got people to like me so well. She wanted to know why and how I was able to have weeknight and weekend plans with friends and other coworkers on a near weekly basis.
At first I was a little surprised, because I do not consider myself as someone who does that sort of thing easily, or naturally. In truth, I have always been a bit of a hermit, and VERY socially awkward. No seriously--my closest of friends tease me about my utter social awkwardness all the time. I constantly feel the same way you do; afraid to stick my neck out in certain social situations.
How then, do I arrive in the situation my coworker was curious about? I have found, when at work, or in a new environment, that if I genuinely like someone--be it platonic, attracted, what have you--I tell them: "I like you! We should totally do Happy Hour one night!" I am direct and abrupt because I am so socially awkward that trying to do it any other way would be a disaster. It also works really well over e-mail. If they never respond (which, surprisingly never really happens), then I didn't want to hang with them anyway. What usually happens though is that the person goes "Well yeah!", and then later I follow up with making an actually date.
In the situation with the girl at the bookstore, I would have STOPPED CARING. Stop overthinking. Say what you want to say about the author. If the girl seemed interesting, say: "You are an interesting person. We should get some coffee!". I have found that above anything, being direct and saying what you feel, impetuous or not, is the key. You just have to be sincerely you.
posted by thatbrunette at 3:53 PM on April 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
At first I was a little surprised, because I do not consider myself as someone who does that sort of thing easily, or naturally. In truth, I have always been a bit of a hermit, and VERY socially awkward. No seriously--my closest of friends tease me about my utter social awkwardness all the time. I constantly feel the same way you do; afraid to stick my neck out in certain social situations.
How then, do I arrive in the situation my coworker was curious about? I have found, when at work, or in a new environment, that if I genuinely like someone--be it platonic, attracted, what have you--I tell them: "I like you! We should totally do Happy Hour one night!" I am direct and abrupt because I am so socially awkward that trying to do it any other way would be a disaster. It also works really well over e-mail. If they never respond (which, surprisingly never really happens), then I didn't want to hang with them anyway. What usually happens though is that the person goes "Well yeah!", and then later I follow up with making an actually date.
In the situation with the girl at the bookstore, I would have STOPPED CARING. Stop overthinking. Say what you want to say about the author. If the girl seemed interesting, say: "You are an interesting person. We should get some coffee!". I have found that above anything, being direct and saying what you feel, impetuous or not, is the key. You just have to be sincerely you.
posted by thatbrunette at 3:53 PM on April 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
Also, it totally doesn't even matter that you're deaf. I actually wish you were closer (Portland, OR), because I am learning ASL and need to learn to communicate better in the deaf community. I feel about as awkward and foreign there as you do in social situations. We could help each other! :)
posted by thatbrunette at 5:30 PM on April 16, 2012
posted by thatbrunette at 5:30 PM on April 16, 2012
A somewhat late answer to your fantastic question! I'm not all that satisfied with the responses that have been given to you just yet, because I don't feel that they do justice to what you're saying, so I'll weigh in my two cents. I see most posts have addressed the issue from social standpoint: I'll attempt to point out the stuff from the deafness standpoint.
As someone who's in a similar situation as yours, I think everyone is minimizing the impact of your deafness. I see many people subscribing your social ailments as a sign of introversion, not deafness. But what they don't get is that being deaf forces you to be introverted, regardless of whether you actually are or not. The simplest example I can come up with to show my point: to listen to others, you need to invest a huge deal more of concentration and energy into actually hearing what they say. So even if you're an "extroverted" deaf person (if you subscribe to the model), you're still going to be worn out and tired by social interaction. The end result is very frustrating. You crave social interaction, but because you're forced to give 100% in every interaction you make, it ends up wearing you out. Judging from your question, I would actually peg you more of an extrovert than an introvert - just an extrovert that's been put into some very awkward shoes as a result of a disability that makes social interaction the most energy-consuming thing ever.
The other problem is that as a deaf person, it is very easy to fall into the habit of not having "real" conversations, but canned ones based on how you expect people to interact with you. I highly suspect - and I say this from both experience and from my knowledge of compensatory habits of people with hearing losses - that instead of hearing 100% of what everyone says, you're dependent on context. You know that when you see someone, they're going to say something like "Hi, how are you". You know that when the cashier talks to you, it's going to be something like "Your change is $1.37" or "Credit or Cash". So I think that might go a little towards explaining why you feel your conversations just don't follow on naturally. It's likely a lot to do with you: you're uncomfortable in entering unfamiliar territory in which you lose a grip upon contextual cues. It's not just about embarrassment and social awkwardness, as everyone says: it's about the feeling of completely losing control of your ability to answer to others.
What I'm saying is: what you're experiencing is not just plain social awkwardness, as everyone is saying. It is definitely very, very relevant to your disability.
However, the one thing that I've learned is that often times, people don't care about what they're saying: they just want others to listen. That's where you have a positive advantage: you're naturally trained to put in 100% in listening, even if it does exhaust you. You focus all eye contact on the other person. You drop everything and listen. People really notice that, even if they don't realize that it's because of your deafness. True, for some, it might come off as "desperate". But for others, it comes off as attentive, and makes them feel appreciated that someone is actually giving them their full attention rather than just half-listening as is very common in our society these days.
In other words: you might be stressing over the importance of the words, but they're looking at the importance of listening. You've got a bigger strength than you realize, even if you aren't able to get every single conversational cue. And don't kid yourself either! Not even hearing people get every single word. Look at their styles of parties: super loud thumping music in dark rooms. As deaf people, we are often lured into the misconception that hearing people are able to socialize because they can comprehend each other 100%, and we tend to compensate along that venue. But we don't realize: most of the time, people aren't listening to each other at all. So the key is to try to minimize all of the stuff that's been drilled into your head as a feeling of not knowing how conversations "really" operate from being deaf and realize that you're judging yourself on a different set of criteria than other people are. As a deaf person myself, I know another common strategy we use when we're too tired to listen in a conversation is just to scope out key words and get the other person to talk more using those words as targeted questions to guide them. We might beat ourselves up for not putting in the energy to listen to every single word, and feel shallow for doing so - but doing that is very, very commonplace in a lot of conversations. By focusing on this strategy, you'll often get comments such as "Oh, you're such a good listener". You're developing WAY more rapport with them than you think you are, believe me.
Of course, that doesn't work as well when you move from conversing on a shallower level to conversing on a deeper level and trying to develop rapport. However, if you have gotten to that stage with someone, you have a lot more control over the situation. Move the conversation to one on one so you can focus on them better. Ask to move to a quieter place. But the key is to reduce the amount of energy it takes for you to listen to them 100% only when you need to - the key is to pick your battles as a deaf person, so you don't end up exhausting all of your listening energy at once.
Finally, I'm sure you know this already, but it's worth repeating - while it's always good practice to tell someone that you have a hearing loss, don't overestimate their ability to internalize that information. Even if they do, in most cases, they won't even know what to do in every situation to make things better for you. Stuff like "look at me when you talk" are good general guidelines, but in no way can they communicate of the subtleties of exactly what you need. Not only that, but most hearing people can't step into your shoes and will often regard your hearing loss as just trivia information. I find myself asking my own mother 90% of the time to look at me when she talks! It's going to be unfair, but you're the one who has to step forward to accommodate your disability. In a perfect world, they'd meet you halfway, but in reality, most people, while blissfully willing and inclusive, are going to be completely ignorant to what they ought to do - and generalize way too much.
Good luck, and feel free to memail me! I'd love to discuss the topic with you more.
posted by Conspire at 2:48 PM on April 17, 2012 [2 favorites]
As someone who's in a similar situation as yours, I think everyone is minimizing the impact of your deafness. I see many people subscribing your social ailments as a sign of introversion, not deafness. But what they don't get is that being deaf forces you to be introverted, regardless of whether you actually are or not. The simplest example I can come up with to show my point: to listen to others, you need to invest a huge deal more of concentration and energy into actually hearing what they say. So even if you're an "extroverted" deaf person (if you subscribe to the model), you're still going to be worn out and tired by social interaction. The end result is very frustrating. You crave social interaction, but because you're forced to give 100% in every interaction you make, it ends up wearing you out. Judging from your question, I would actually peg you more of an extrovert than an introvert - just an extrovert that's been put into some very awkward shoes as a result of a disability that makes social interaction the most energy-consuming thing ever.
The other problem is that as a deaf person, it is very easy to fall into the habit of not having "real" conversations, but canned ones based on how you expect people to interact with you. I highly suspect - and I say this from both experience and from my knowledge of compensatory habits of people with hearing losses - that instead of hearing 100% of what everyone says, you're dependent on context. You know that when you see someone, they're going to say something like "Hi, how are you". You know that when the cashier talks to you, it's going to be something like "Your change is $1.37" or "Credit or Cash". So I think that might go a little towards explaining why you feel your conversations just don't follow on naturally. It's likely a lot to do with you: you're uncomfortable in entering unfamiliar territory in which you lose a grip upon contextual cues. It's not just about embarrassment and social awkwardness, as everyone says: it's about the feeling of completely losing control of your ability to answer to others.
What I'm saying is: what you're experiencing is not just plain social awkwardness, as everyone is saying. It is definitely very, very relevant to your disability.
However, the one thing that I've learned is that often times, people don't care about what they're saying: they just want others to listen. That's where you have a positive advantage: you're naturally trained to put in 100% in listening, even if it does exhaust you. You focus all eye contact on the other person. You drop everything and listen. People really notice that, even if they don't realize that it's because of your deafness. True, for some, it might come off as "desperate". But for others, it comes off as attentive, and makes them feel appreciated that someone is actually giving them their full attention rather than just half-listening as is very common in our society these days.
In other words: you might be stressing over the importance of the words, but they're looking at the importance of listening. You've got a bigger strength than you realize, even if you aren't able to get every single conversational cue. And don't kid yourself either! Not even hearing people get every single word. Look at their styles of parties: super loud thumping music in dark rooms. As deaf people, we are often lured into the misconception that hearing people are able to socialize because they can comprehend each other 100%, and we tend to compensate along that venue. But we don't realize: most of the time, people aren't listening to each other at all. So the key is to try to minimize all of the stuff that's been drilled into your head as a feeling of not knowing how conversations "really" operate from being deaf and realize that you're judging yourself on a different set of criteria than other people are. As a deaf person myself, I know another common strategy we use when we're too tired to listen in a conversation is just to scope out key words and get the other person to talk more using those words as targeted questions to guide them. We might beat ourselves up for not putting in the energy to listen to every single word, and feel shallow for doing so - but doing that is very, very commonplace in a lot of conversations. By focusing on this strategy, you'll often get comments such as "Oh, you're such a good listener". You're developing WAY more rapport with them than you think you are, believe me.
Of course, that doesn't work as well when you move from conversing on a shallower level to conversing on a deeper level and trying to develop rapport. However, if you have gotten to that stage with someone, you have a lot more control over the situation. Move the conversation to one on one so you can focus on them better. Ask to move to a quieter place. But the key is to reduce the amount of energy it takes for you to listen to them 100% only when you need to - the key is to pick your battles as a deaf person, so you don't end up exhausting all of your listening energy at once.
Finally, I'm sure you know this already, but it's worth repeating - while it's always good practice to tell someone that you have a hearing loss, don't overestimate their ability to internalize that information. Even if they do, in most cases, they won't even know what to do in every situation to make things better for you. Stuff like "look at me when you talk" are good general guidelines, but in no way can they communicate of the subtleties of exactly what you need. Not only that, but most hearing people can't step into your shoes and will often regard your hearing loss as just trivia information. I find myself asking my own mother 90% of the time to look at me when she talks! It's going to be unfair, but you're the one who has to step forward to accommodate your disability. In a perfect world, they'd meet you halfway, but in reality, most people, while blissfully willing and inclusive, are going to be completely ignorant to what they ought to do - and generalize way too much.
Good luck, and feel free to memail me! I'd love to discuss the topic with you more.
posted by Conspire at 2:48 PM on April 17, 2012 [2 favorites]
I'm 25 yrs old, deaf since I'm born (I have a loss of 95 - 100 db), I wear a pair of big hearing aids. I wish I'd have a cochlear implant, but it doesn't suit with some of my activities.
I can't phone nor hold conversations in a noisy environment. I cannot follow a group discussion either. It has to be one-to-one, in a quiet environment and without beard / moustache / poor lighting etc ;)
I think this is partly because, to me, conversations with strangers or people I don't know well feel like a gamble to an extent that I'm not sure people with 'normal' hearing experience (but maybe I'm wrong about this): the catch-22's that, unless I actually try to talk to you, or you try to talk to me, I don't know if I'll actually be able to understand you well enough to carry on a conversation that doesn't feel awkward.
1st : do you have short hair? Do people see your cochlear implant? I have big curly hair. But when I want to maximize my chances to understand a discussion with someone I don't know / don't know very well (an appointment with my teacher for example) I put my hair in a bun. Bam, you cannot miss my hearing aids! And… it means the person I'm talking to becomes almost automatically more tolerant : he / she notices / remembers that it's difficult for me to understand what being said, speaks more slowly, articulates, repeats when I frown my eyebrows, etc.
You're more relaxed when you know that the person in front of you knows you're deaf. You have to let them know. It's so easy to forget that we are deaf for the people around us :)
2nd : I've ended up loving awkward conversations! The person you're talking with says something, you mix up one word for another, as a consequence you understand something that sounds absurd, you say it aloud, and bam you both laugh! And laughing, well, is a pretty efficient way to bond! The first sentences with strangers are very often of that kind.
And bonus : the mistakes I make while trying to understand what people are telling me is part of what inspires me when I write, draw, etc. They become a part of my creative material.
It's doubly frustrating because I know I can be pretty goshdurned charismatic but I can't turn that part of me on unless I know you at least a teensy bit well.
Do you practice ASL or Cued speech? I don't know ASL but I've been raised with Cued Speech. And we (at least in France) are a pretty strong group of deaf friends practicing cued speech. The relaxing thing is you are yourself because you are not worried about the whole understanding thing. Everything is so smooth, seamless. With the time, it gets easier and easier to bring the confidence you have with the deaf friends in the normal hearing society, even when you don't understand everything etc.
I usually err on the side of taking the easy out in these sorts of situations, because, for the most part, I feel like I shouldn't overstay whatever conversational welcome I've got.
I'm not sure to understand this … is it because you're afraid you'll miss a sentence? If so, just say : oh sorry, I'm deaf, can you repeat please? 99% of the people react positively. If you don't say you're deaf, well, you might look awkward. But once people know you're deaf, you're "excused" in a certain way for some mistakes / awkwardness. If you want to be part of the hearing society, you have to present yourself as a deaf person who wants to be integrated in the society. If you try to hide it, you'll be awkward, anxious because you'll be afraid to act the wrong way because you've not quite understood what X said.
Oh, and one last thing : do you practice another language? I'm French, and I've found out that being involved in social circles like couchsurfing (which is mostly English speaking even here in Paris) was a pretty good confidence booster : there are 20 different nationalities in a 20 m square room. Everybody is trying more or less hard to understand what the other one is saying, (usually in English, which usually is the mother tongue of only 30% of the people here). Here everybody is experiencing what you, me, as deaf people are experiencing every day, every hour of our life. In those moments, we are at the same "level" (hate that word) of understanding.
...
What I'm telling now I couldn't have told you even three years ago : with time it gets better, even if being deaf is for life.
Good luck to you!
posted by OrangeCat at 7:24 AM on April 20, 2012 [1 favorite]
I can't phone nor hold conversations in a noisy environment. I cannot follow a group discussion either. It has to be one-to-one, in a quiet environment and without beard / moustache / poor lighting etc ;)
I think this is partly because, to me, conversations with strangers or people I don't know well feel like a gamble to an extent that I'm not sure people with 'normal' hearing experience (but maybe I'm wrong about this): the catch-22's that, unless I actually try to talk to you, or you try to talk to me, I don't know if I'll actually be able to understand you well enough to carry on a conversation that doesn't feel awkward.
1st : do you have short hair? Do people see your cochlear implant? I have big curly hair. But when I want to maximize my chances to understand a discussion with someone I don't know / don't know very well (an appointment with my teacher for example) I put my hair in a bun. Bam, you cannot miss my hearing aids! And… it means the person I'm talking to becomes almost automatically more tolerant : he / she notices / remembers that it's difficult for me to understand what being said, speaks more slowly, articulates, repeats when I frown my eyebrows, etc.
You're more relaxed when you know that the person in front of you knows you're deaf. You have to let them know. It's so easy to forget that we are deaf for the people around us :)
2nd : I've ended up loving awkward conversations! The person you're talking with says something, you mix up one word for another, as a consequence you understand something that sounds absurd, you say it aloud, and bam you both laugh! And laughing, well, is a pretty efficient way to bond! The first sentences with strangers are very often of that kind.
And bonus : the mistakes I make while trying to understand what people are telling me is part of what inspires me when I write, draw, etc. They become a part of my creative material.
It's doubly frustrating because I know I can be pretty goshdurned charismatic but I can't turn that part of me on unless I know you at least a teensy bit well.
Do you practice ASL or Cued speech? I don't know ASL but I've been raised with Cued Speech. And we (at least in France) are a pretty strong group of deaf friends practicing cued speech. The relaxing thing is you are yourself because you are not worried about the whole understanding thing. Everything is so smooth, seamless. With the time, it gets easier and easier to bring the confidence you have with the deaf friends in the normal hearing society, even when you don't understand everything etc.
I usually err on the side of taking the easy out in these sorts of situations, because, for the most part, I feel like I shouldn't overstay whatever conversational welcome I've got.
I'm not sure to understand this … is it because you're afraid you'll miss a sentence? If so, just say : oh sorry, I'm deaf, can you repeat please? 99% of the people react positively. If you don't say you're deaf, well, you might look awkward. But once people know you're deaf, you're "excused" in a certain way for some mistakes / awkwardness. If you want to be part of the hearing society, you have to present yourself as a deaf person who wants to be integrated in the society. If you try to hide it, you'll be awkward, anxious because you'll be afraid to act the wrong way because you've not quite understood what X said.
Oh, and one last thing : do you practice another language? I'm French, and I've found out that being involved in social circles like couchsurfing (which is mostly English speaking even here in Paris) was a pretty good confidence booster : there are 20 different nationalities in a 20 m square room. Everybody is trying more or less hard to understand what the other one is saying, (usually in English, which usually is the mother tongue of only 30% of the people here). Here everybody is experiencing what you, me, as deaf people are experiencing every day, every hour of our life. In those moments, we are at the same "level" (hate that word) of understanding.
...
What I'm telling now I couldn't have told you even three years ago : with time it gets better, even if being deaf is for life.
Good luck to you!
posted by OrangeCat at 7:24 AM on April 20, 2012 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
But if it helps to know, I've got no hearing problems that I know of (except for maybe a tiny bit of hearing loss brought on by 30+ years of blasting-loud-music-on-my-walkman damage), and I also get similarly flustered if anyone comes on a little overly-friendly like that clerk did. So if an anecdotal example is something you can consider, then....there's one anecdote that points to "non-deaf people sometimes have trouble with this too". It sounds like you handled the bookstore clerk situation fine, she just caught you off-guard. That happens to everyone. As to why the clerk was trying to engage with you -- my money is not on "she's a creepy friendless loser," so much as it's on "she was a clerk and was trying to make a sale."
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:59 AM on April 16, 2012