Pardon me?

April 6, 2012 3:42 PM

My wife often finds herself with her foot in her mouth, how do I (Gently) encourage her to be less impulsive about the things she says in company, particularly if I suspect social anxiety to be a cause? Details inside.

Hi there,

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible. My wife has a tendency, while in group conversations, to get carried away with the tempo of a discussion and she inevitably says something... awkward or inappropriate (She grew up with a VERY politically incorrect and rude family), or very random... usually because she rushed to get her word in before completing her thought and it came out wrong. I can tell this usually occurs when she's feeling nervous about being "outclassed" by the company we're in. When she slows down and takes a minute to articulate her thoughts she's just fine, but she hates silent pauses in a conversation and rushes to fill them with anything that pops into her mind. Sometimes she realizes she's said the wrong thing and gets very upset and self conscious about it, other times she doesn't.

Anyways, I'd really like to help her with this without being a condescending ass or giving her the impression that there's something wrong with her, there's not, she's quite bright and outgoing, just a little rusty with some of her social skills. Any advice would be tremendous! What can I do to help her out?

posted by Beacon Inbound to Human Relations (17 answers total)

"You seemed kind of anxious at the party last night."

"Yes, I was."

"Is there anything I can do to help you feel calmer next time?"

There's no way you can say "You're saying stupid shit, stop it." She already knows she's saying it. If the culprit is her anxiety, then help her with that, if she has no idea how you can help her, suggest therapy. Medication did wonders for my social anxiety.
posted by desjardins at 3:48 PM on April 6, 2012 [2 favorites]

I would suggest therapy as you've pinpointed two specific reasons for the behaviour - she feels outclassed and she hates silences. Unless she's able to deconstruct these on her own, a therapist will help her unpack them so that she can get to a point where she will feel more secure within herself.
posted by mleigh at 3:53 PM on April 6, 2012

There is this thing where in mixed gender conversations women's contributions tend to be ignored, be seen has having inherently less value, and be more likely to be seen as inappropriate for one reason or another. As a generally dude presenting person, it took having this first pointed out for and then demonstrated to me for me to finally get it.

My point is not to dismiss your concerns about your wife's awkwardness, but to perhaps explain a part of why it might be there that you may not have noticed and to perhaps that your wife's contributions may in fact be less inherently awkward than you are perceiving.
posted by Blasdelb at 4:01 PM on April 6, 2012 [15 favorites]

Is it really that awkward? I'm frequently inappropriate, but I'm usually aware that I am, and if I've blundered, I will either apologize privately or else try to turn my faux pas into a joke at my own expense. I'm not really social maladroit, but my mouth does outpace my brain. But in 9 cases out of 10, most people neither take offense or freak out. I wonder if you're cringing for her when no one else is.
posted by Ideefixe at 4:14 PM on April 6, 2012

Oops==for an example, I told a Sophie Tucker joke upon first meeting my future MIL. I still don't think she actually got the joke.
I will never forget it you know. I was terribly drunk the other night. I woke up and there was an elephant in my bed. I said, "Lord have mercy I must've been tight last night."
"Well," said the elephant, "kinda.
posted by Ideefixe at 4:17 PM on April 6, 2012 [3 favorites]

Has she asked for your help? If so you can say, "What can I do to help you?"
posted by BibiRose at 4:19 PM on April 6, 2012 [1 favorite]

The problem with bringing it to her attention is that you make it clear how obvious it is (she already knows she does it) which will likely increase her anxiety.

Practice will likely help (or therapy if the anxiety is debilitating and not improving on its own).

I do agree with advice about asking her in a more general way if she is anxious and what would help her feel better next time.
posted by Laura_J at 4:21 PM on April 6, 2012

Best answer: Support her in the conversation. Laugh at her jokes, even if they're weak. Supply words for her if she's searching for the right ones. (gently) Agree with her. Rephrase her points for more coherency and add, "If I understand, this is what you're saying, right?" Things like that. This will build up her confidence over time, bring you closer, and squash the slightly icky-feeling tone of "oh no, she's embarassing me, I have to separate myself from her in company" that I read behind this question, rightly or wrongly.
posted by quincunx at 4:22 PM on April 6, 2012 [15 favorites]

I also want to add, it's likely that other people are not embarrassed for her as much as you are, of if they are, don't connect it with you. However, they will notice if you gently support her in moments of weakness, and it will reflect favorably on you.
posted by quincunx at 4:25 PM on April 6, 2012 [3 favorites]

Best answer: Yes, you are probably cringing more than the others because you are more invested in what she says and how it reflects on you both.

Couldn't you just sort of talk about this in the car/subway on the way home. Like if she says 'oh I can't believe I said blahblah about blahblahs and angie actually IS a fan of blahblahs or whatever' then maybe you could explain to her about tact, or testing out the waters re peoples' opinions before making bold statements during small talk situations.

The main thing is though, I don't think you can care more than her. If she is not mortified or wanting to remedy situation then you may be on thin ice.

Also, on preview, I agree with above. As the partner, I think you should help her smooth things over in conversation if things take a turn for the awkward. If you are more socially savvy then her, then that would be a very helpful and nice thing to do. And it would probably help everybody involved feel more comfortable.
posted by bquarters at 4:30 PM on April 6, 2012

I am your wife, I say the wrong thing in many social situations, greatly aggrevated by the fact I am now surrounded by super polite midwesterners when I come from a swear like truckers family background. I've silenced more people at parties with a well placed but accidental swear. Apparently while bugger is on par with the word Damn in Australia it can cause an entire room to turn to look at you when said at your Grandparents in Laws birthday dinner.

What works for my husband and I is a code word/phrase/action to indicate that the other party is wondering into dangerous territory and to be careful. Also sometimes he will throw himself onto my conversational hand grenades with a rapid and dramatic subject change.
posted by wwax at 4:31 PM on April 6, 2012 [5 favorites]

just to join in with what quincunx says - I never really think much of a husband when he doesn't say anything about his wife's poor behavior. They are two separate individuals, after all, and he's not her keeper.... but I *do* lose respect for a man* who corrects or chastises his wife in front of others - again, you are not her keeper. Something to keep in mind.

Either support her or say nothing. If you must add something, add positive feedback. If you know she dislikes long pauses, then recognize them and fill them so she doesn't feel the pressure is on her.

(*I suppose I would lose respect for a woman who corrects/chastises her husband in front of others, but as I've yet to see it happen in my social circles, I cannot say for sure.)
posted by Lt. Bunny Wigglesworth at 4:35 PM on April 6, 2012 [8 favorites]

Are there people around whom she might be more comfortable? Maybe she needs better friends. That's hard to do overnight, but she could try to look for ways into a new scene were she'd feel more at home.
posted by thirteenkiller at 4:36 PM on April 6, 2012

I know that doesn't solve the problem of her being awkward in company where she feels outclassed, but finding company where she doesn't feel outclassed might give her a chance to relax and be social and develop her social confidence.
posted by thirteenkiller at 4:40 PM on April 6, 2012

Best answer: I'm with bquarters here: The main thing is though, I don't think you can care more than her. If she is not mortified or wanting to remedy situation then you may be on thin ice.

I think the only time you can talk about this without feeling like/being a jerk is when your wife shares with you that she is feeling embarrassed about it. Because you say she doesn't even always know that's she's stepped in it, it sounds like it bothers you more than it bothers her. And I'm sure that has something to do with feeling like she reflects badly on you, which is fine and normal. The problem is if you bring it up at a time when it is not a problem for her, you risk making her feel like she reflects badly on you, and on herself, and that's just going to make things worse.

When she does bring it up, just ask her what she needs from you in a situation like that. Reassure her that she is lovely and smart and charming, and that people could tell that by the rest of what she said (for example). And then only address the event she is talking about. Do NOT bring up other times you can remember where she was rude or awkward but didn't notice, unless she specifically asks you if she is doing it and not realizing it.
posted by looli at 5:49 PM on April 6, 2012 [1 favorite]

Telling her that what she says is awkward or inappropriate could make her even more anxious. Are you sure she does see it the same way you do? If she grew up with being essentially free to say whatever she wanted, she might not feel those things you regard as awkward/inappropriate as such. Are you sure she feels "outclassed"? If it is only your embarrassment, then you need to deal with it not your wife! If your wife voiced some concerns, then you should try to help her (great advice above about bridging the silence, using code words, changing the scene etc.).

Anyway, does it hurt you somehow that people might think of her as a bit out there? If you are talking about friends, they usually accept some personal quirks. And even in not casual social gatherings people won't hold it against you if you happen to say something funny from time to time.
posted by travelwithcats at 6:04 PM on April 6, 2012

Continuing on comments above about supporting her, a *really* nice thing to do is to get next to her, physically, your hand on her arm maybe, or go sit right next to her, just be close or touching; it's so nice to know that someone literally has your back, that they are literally supporting you. De Etta used to lean into me when I did that for her, and I'd pull her close, too, when she came over to support me when I got scared or lost. I loved her for it and always told her, too, rides home I'd reach for her again and tell her. Huge relationship karma points here, worth at least three times leaving your underpants next to the bed rushing out to work.
posted by dancestoblue at 7:28 PM on April 6, 2012 [1 favorite]