How to proceed with this romantic interest?
April 2, 2012 8:44 AM Subscribe
Help me navigate a romantic interest despite my PTSD, anxiety, and depression?
I sent someone a message on a dating website last year. She would always mention the idea of me visiting her since we only live a few hours away. We talked for quite a few months until life got busy with work/school. I also ended up distancing myself from a lot of people including her because I was going through a lot of difficult things at the time.
I am still struggling, but not as much as before. I see a psychiatrist and another mental health professional on a weekly basis because of my PTSD which helps me tremendously.
I figured that this (PTSD and mental health) would be too much for someone that I only recently met to handle, so I decided to pull away from her. But, fast forward a year later and this person is still on my mind. There was just a connection between us that was hard to let go of. I don't feel that way about other people at this point because I'm not interested in pursuing anything with others. But, there's just something about her and the connection we have which she has also mentioned before.
I mustered up the courage to contact her through Facebook to see how she was doing. She responded and we exchanged a few messages over the last few weeks. She would always end the conversation by saying that we'll talk soon.
I want to continue talking to her and I think she wants to continue talking to me too. But, part of me is concerned because I'm still dealing with PTSD. I will be dealing with PTSD for quite some time...
I'm fine when I'm with others and enjoy being with others, but there are certain things that I struggle with doing because of anxiety, depression and previous traumatic experiences. I am still highly functional and most people wouldn't be able to sense this unless they spent a lot of time with me.
Another concern is that I feel like I need to work more on my appearance and mental health so that I'm in a great place. I want to lose weight and feel emotionally healed from my traumatic past. But, these two things take time.
Yet, the reality is that life doesn't wait for anyone. And, I'd really like help figuring out what to do. So, how do I pursue this interaction?
I sent someone a message on a dating website last year. She would always mention the idea of me visiting her since we only live a few hours away. We talked for quite a few months until life got busy with work/school. I also ended up distancing myself from a lot of people including her because I was going through a lot of difficult things at the time.
I am still struggling, but not as much as before. I see a psychiatrist and another mental health professional on a weekly basis because of my PTSD which helps me tremendously.
I figured that this (PTSD and mental health) would be too much for someone that I only recently met to handle, so I decided to pull away from her. But, fast forward a year later and this person is still on my mind. There was just a connection between us that was hard to let go of. I don't feel that way about other people at this point because I'm not interested in pursuing anything with others. But, there's just something about her and the connection we have which she has also mentioned before.
I mustered up the courage to contact her through Facebook to see how she was doing. She responded and we exchanged a few messages over the last few weeks. She would always end the conversation by saying that we'll talk soon.
I want to continue talking to her and I think she wants to continue talking to me too. But, part of me is concerned because I'm still dealing with PTSD. I will be dealing with PTSD for quite some time...
I'm fine when I'm with others and enjoy being with others, but there are certain things that I struggle with doing because of anxiety, depression and previous traumatic experiences. I am still highly functional and most people wouldn't be able to sense this unless they spent a lot of time with me.
Another concern is that I feel like I need to work more on my appearance and mental health so that I'm in a great place. I want to lose weight and feel emotionally healed from my traumatic past. But, these two things take time.
Yet, the reality is that life doesn't wait for anyone. And, I'd really like help figuring out what to do. So, how do I pursue this interaction?
I feel like I need to work more on my appearance and mental health so that I'm in a great place.
Two points. First, everybody feels like that. Second, it will always be true. There is always more you can do to improve yourself, more push-ups you could do, another book you could read. Even if you set a seemingly concrete goal in that regard, I think that goal will begin to look different as you approach it closer. You'll be inclined to pick another, farther off.
Recognize that, at root, most of the feelings you're describing are very, very common. You have PTSD, but that doesn't necessarily mean—even if it feels this way—that those feelings exist because of the PTSD. Lots of other people feel them, too.
posted by cribcage at 8:57 AM on April 2, 2012
Two points. First, everybody feels like that. Second, it will always be true. There is always more you can do to improve yourself, more push-ups you could do, another book you could read. Even if you set a seemingly concrete goal in that regard, I think that goal will begin to look different as you approach it closer. You'll be inclined to pick another, farther off.
Recognize that, at root, most of the feelings you're describing are very, very common. You have PTSD, but that doesn't necessarily mean—even if it feels this way—that those feelings exist because of the PTSD. Lots of other people feel them, too.
posted by cribcage at 8:57 AM on April 2, 2012
First, meet this person you've been corresponding with. Contact her and figure something out. Without even having met her in person, thinking about the future of the relationship is very premature.
See how things go once you meet her. Just let things develop organically, so to speak; tell her about yourself and get to know her. Don't worry too much about how you're perceived by others, in terms of your appearance/weight/etc. It's difficult to build relationships when you're thinking too much about yourself.
Once you've gotten to know her a bit, let her in. Tell her, in a little-by-little kind of way (just to be on the safe side of oversharing in a new relationship/friendship), about the issues you feel you have to deal with.
There's not much more to it than that. Reach out and try to connect with her, and her responses will tell you how things are gonna go. Good luck, and don't be too hard on yourself.
posted by clockzero at 8:58 AM on April 2, 2012 [2 favorites]
See how things go once you meet her. Just let things develop organically, so to speak; tell her about yourself and get to know her. Don't worry too much about how you're perceived by others, in terms of your appearance/weight/etc. It's difficult to build relationships when you're thinking too much about yourself.
Once you've gotten to know her a bit, let her in. Tell her, in a little-by-little kind of way (just to be on the safe side of oversharing in a new relationship/friendship), about the issues you feel you have to deal with.
There's not much more to it than that. Reach out and try to connect with her, and her responses will tell you how things are gonna go. Good luck, and don't be too hard on yourself.
posted by clockzero at 8:58 AM on April 2, 2012 [2 favorites]
Just a bit of reassurance: nobody is ever perfect, whole, and ready to start a relationship. You don't have to lose weight and be totally healed from your past! You are lovable just the way you are, and sometimes relationships become the ground where personal growth is most possible because they provide love, support, stability, and honesty.
I don't know exactly how to advise you to proceed, but I think you should give this a try if you care for this person and she seems interested. Also, fwiw, I know what it's like to have a partner with PTSD, and it doesn't make it less "worth it" to me. There are things everyone struggles with. This is yours. If she likes you, it will just be part of what makes you the special person that you are.
posted by araisingirl at 11:19 AM on April 2, 2012 [4 favorites]
I don't know exactly how to advise you to proceed, but I think you should give this a try if you care for this person and she seems interested. Also, fwiw, I know what it's like to have a partner with PTSD, and it doesn't make it less "worth it" to me. There are things everyone struggles with. This is yours. If she likes you, it will just be part of what makes you the special person that you are.
posted by araisingirl at 11:19 AM on April 2, 2012 [4 favorites]
I feel like I need to work more on my appearance and mental health so that I'm in a great place.
Don't wait to finish your self-work before your life starts. Start where you are, from where you are. You don't have to be perfect, or even approaching perfection, to be in a relationship--you just have to be in a place where you can honor the other person and yourself, and where you can consider both their needs and yours with respect and generosity.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:41 AM on April 2, 2012 [4 favorites]
Don't wait to finish your self-work before your life starts. Start where you are, from where you are. You don't have to be perfect, or even approaching perfection, to be in a relationship--you just have to be in a place where you can honor the other person and yourself, and where you can consider both their needs and yours with respect and generosity.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:41 AM on April 2, 2012 [4 favorites]
I have dated two guys with PTSD (at different times). Both were long-term possibilities.
The first guy had severe trauma, didn't want to inflict it on me, and broke up with me so he could get his shit together.
The second guy admitted he had trauma, that it would affect things, but he'd only be honest about it.
I loved both of them, but the second guy is my long-term really happy partner now.
The first guy is still suffering, and has mentioned to me that he wishes he made a different choice.
Be the second guy, not the first.
It doesn't matter if it's this girl or not. It does matter that you accept the ability to live and give and receive love.
posted by corb at 2:03 PM on April 2, 2012 [3 favorites]
The first guy had severe trauma, didn't want to inflict it on me, and broke up with me so he could get his shit together.
The second guy admitted he had trauma, that it would affect things, but he'd only be honest about it.
I loved both of them, but the second guy is my long-term really happy partner now.
The first guy is still suffering, and has mentioned to me that he wishes he made a different choice.
Be the second guy, not the first.
It doesn't matter if it's this girl or not. It does matter that you accept the ability to live and give and receive love.
posted by corb at 2:03 PM on April 2, 2012 [3 favorites]
I figured that this (PTSD and mental health) would be too much for someone that I only recently met to handle, so I decided to pull away from her. But, fast forward a year later and this person is still on my mind. There was just a connection between us that was hard to let go of.
Just be honest that you're struggling with things that are high priority for you, and know where to draw the line with over-disclosure. If she's worth it and that connection is there, I strongly suspect she'll be sensitive to respecting any boundary you set with how much or how comfortable you are letting her into your life.
As araisingirl said, you are lovable just the way you are. Have the courage to really, really believe this in spite of your PTSD and any personal appearance issues (i.e. weight). You never know -- your struggles may very well be part of what makes you particularly lovable, even in this case. Best luck OP!
posted by human ecologist at 8:26 PM on April 2, 2012 [2 favorites]
Just be honest that you're struggling with things that are high priority for you, and know where to draw the line with over-disclosure. If she's worth it and that connection is there, I strongly suspect she'll be sensitive to respecting any boundary you set with how much or how comfortable you are letting her into your life.
As araisingirl said, you are lovable just the way you are. Have the courage to really, really believe this in spite of your PTSD and any personal appearance issues (i.e. weight). You never know -- your struggles may very well be part of what makes you particularly lovable, even in this case. Best luck OP!
posted by human ecologist at 8:26 PM on April 2, 2012 [2 favorites]
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posted by Eicats at 8:48 AM on April 2, 2012