I'm a significant adult in the life of a 12-year-old girl who has become a bully.
February 25, 2012 6:51 PM Subscribe
I'm a significant adult in the life of a 12-year-old girl who has become a bully. How can I help her develop some empathy?
I have the opposite of the problem described in this thread: I'm a significant adult in the life of a 12-year-old girl who has become a bully. It's come to my attention that she is the leader of an influential clique in her elementary school, and is tormenting an exceptionally vulnerable boy in her class.
I've known and loved her since she was two years old, but I've always known she was capable of some cruelty, but discovering that she's actually using it against this boy has been devastating. She is very intelligent, athletic, funny and popular, and comes from a wealthy family who dotes on her. The boy in question is in a group home in lieu of foster care and has no friends at their affluent school. She has apparently made a pattern of shunning him — usually pretending he doesn't exist, but often laughing at his clothes or rolling her eyes and giggling pointedly at her friends when he enters the classroom. This type of quiet bullying is not covered in the school's anti-bullying curriculum.
An interesting wrinkle is that one of the few kids at the school who has taken an interest in this boy is the girl's sensitive third grade brother, who has actually invited the boy for playdates at their home.
I don't expect her to suddenly turn on the kindness here. All I'm hoping for is for her to stop tormenting — and possibly convince her friends to stop tormenting — this boy who already has all the odds stacked against him. I'd like to address it kindly but firmly, with no room for ambiguity.
I've already put a hold on Queen Bees and Wannabes at the library. Any other ideas on how to approach this before our lunch date next weekend?
I have the opposite of the problem described in this thread: I'm a significant adult in the life of a 12-year-old girl who has become a bully. It's come to my attention that she is the leader of an influential clique in her elementary school, and is tormenting an exceptionally vulnerable boy in her class.
I've known and loved her since she was two years old, but I've always known she was capable of some cruelty, but discovering that she's actually using it against this boy has been devastating. She is very intelligent, athletic, funny and popular, and comes from a wealthy family who dotes on her. The boy in question is in a group home in lieu of foster care and has no friends at their affluent school. She has apparently made a pattern of shunning him — usually pretending he doesn't exist, but often laughing at his clothes or rolling her eyes and giggling pointedly at her friends when he enters the classroom. This type of quiet bullying is not covered in the school's anti-bullying curriculum.
An interesting wrinkle is that one of the few kids at the school who has taken an interest in this boy is the girl's sensitive third grade brother, who has actually invited the boy for playdates at their home.
I don't expect her to suddenly turn on the kindness here. All I'm hoping for is for her to stop tormenting — and possibly convince her friends to stop tormenting — this boy who already has all the odds stacked against him. I'd like to address it kindly but firmly, with no room for ambiguity.
I've already put a hold on Queen Bees and Wannabes at the library. Any other ideas on how to approach this before our lunch date next weekend?
Yes, twelve is way old enough to understand, but it should really be her parents and teachers who address the issue. Also, is he a sixth grade boy going for "playdates" at the house of a third grader? That could account for some of the disdain felt by the older girl.
posted by yarly at 7:04 PM on February 25, 2012
posted by yarly at 7:04 PM on February 25, 2012
Ask her to imagine what's going on in the mind of her victim, and how he's feeling because of this.
posted by sebastienbailard at 7:06 PM on February 25, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by sebastienbailard at 7:06 PM on February 25, 2012 [3 favorites]
An interesting wrinkle is that one of the few kids at the school who has taken an interest in this boy is the girl's sensitive third grade brother, who has actually invited the boy for playdates at their home.
This part is worth looking at. It could be that by befriending someone who is socially outcast at school, the girl feels 'tainted' - she is now associated, through her own family, with someone others consider to be lesser. This dynamic might actually all be linked. I can recall at that age being painfully embarrassed by my younger brother's friends and his scene and, in fact, his sensitivity and lack of a coolness I was trying sooo hard to project. (It's a lousy thing that I deplore in my own history, but I recall having these feelings). THe issue was that this was sort of stepping on what game I imagined I was trying to have as I created my new 'sophisticated teen' identity.
Perhaps by singling him out for putdowns she's attempting to make sure her desired peer group knows she's cooler than all that.
I agree that going out for lunch and a conversation makes sense. A lot of this is about the ethics of using her social power, but a lot of it, too, is about dealing with her concern about how others see her. IS she going to be the courageous person who doesn't do everything just for the approval of some shallow friends? Or is she going to be so worried about what other people think that she's afraid to think for herself or live her own life? What kind of person does she want to be? Who does she admire? Who are her heroes? Perhaps you can get her identifying more with the desire to 'use her powers for good,' as it were, than with putting other people down. I think it would be OK to say "You're someone who people see as setting the standard for how things are going to be received. You have the chance here to promote your values - but you're going to miss that chance if you're more frightened about being rejected than you are strong in yourself."
posted by Miko at 7:09 PM on February 25, 2012 [16 favorites]
This part is worth looking at. It could be that by befriending someone who is socially outcast at school, the girl feels 'tainted' - she is now associated, through her own family, with someone others consider to be lesser. This dynamic might actually all be linked. I can recall at that age being painfully embarrassed by my younger brother's friends and his scene and, in fact, his sensitivity and lack of a coolness I was trying sooo hard to project. (It's a lousy thing that I deplore in my own history, but I recall having these feelings). THe issue was that this was sort of stepping on what game I imagined I was trying to have as I created my new 'sophisticated teen' identity.
Perhaps by singling him out for putdowns she's attempting to make sure her desired peer group knows she's cooler than all that.
I agree that going out for lunch and a conversation makes sense. A lot of this is about the ethics of using her social power, but a lot of it, too, is about dealing with her concern about how others see her. IS she going to be the courageous person who doesn't do everything just for the approval of some shallow friends? Or is she going to be so worried about what other people think that she's afraid to think for herself or live her own life? What kind of person does she want to be? Who does she admire? Who are her heroes? Perhaps you can get her identifying more with the desire to 'use her powers for good,' as it were, than with putting other people down. I think it would be OK to say "You're someone who people see as setting the standard for how things are going to be received. You have the chance here to promote your values - but you're going to miss that chance if you're more frightened about being rejected than you are strong in yourself."
posted by Miko at 7:09 PM on February 25, 2012 [16 favorites]
Encourage her to read fiction. I don't mean just fiction about bullies or kids getting bullied, but fiction about people who are not her, whose lives are very different from hers. Well-written fiction helps us to develop out moral imagination, our ability to imagine what it is like to be someone else, our empathy. There is a lot of really good young adult fiction out there, perhaps a Y(oung) A(dult) librarian here or at your local public library can offer some specific recommendations.
posted by mareli at 7:15 PM on February 25, 2012 [10 favorites]
posted by mareli at 7:15 PM on February 25, 2012 [10 favorites]
There was a wonderful episode of This American Life here that had a story about a middle school teacher who used the power of peer pressure for good in a similar situation, it involved getting the bullies to empathise with the kid involved. You might find something helpful in that story.
posted by mooza at 7:16 PM on February 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by mooza at 7:16 PM on February 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
The transcript is here and it's the Act 6 story.
posted by mooza at 7:20 PM on February 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by mooza at 7:20 PM on February 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
I wouldn't be afraid to put her on the spot and let her know you are very disappointed in her behavior. Make her squirm a bit. It IS unacceptably rude behavior and she is out of line.
My mother had a no-bullying policy and if she knew one of us was acting that way we'd have gotten a very strict lecture and we would have been punished. (I know this because it did happen occasionally). We would also have been given instruction on how she wanted us to act as well as the disapproval and I think that's important too. Talk to her about why this kid makes her feel uncomfortable and how she can deal with that. Maybe he has a crush on her it makes her uncomfortable or maybe the other kids know he's friends with her brother and are teasing her about him and this is the only way she has thought to react. If you give her some better options hopefully she'll follow them.
But most of all don't be afraid to express your displeasure and disappointment. She needs to hear that people she looks up to don't find this acceptable. 12 year old girls can be horrible little beasts, they do get better as they get older!
posted by fshgrl at 8:01 PM on February 25, 2012 [17 favorites]
My mother had a no-bullying policy and if she knew one of us was acting that way we'd have gotten a very strict lecture and we would have been punished. (I know this because it did happen occasionally). We would also have been given instruction on how she wanted us to act as well as the disapproval and I think that's important too. Talk to her about why this kid makes her feel uncomfortable and how she can deal with that. Maybe he has a crush on her it makes her uncomfortable or maybe the other kids know he's friends with her brother and are teasing her about him and this is the only way she has thought to react. If you give her some better options hopefully she'll follow them.
But most of all don't be afraid to express your displeasure and disappointment. She needs to hear that people she looks up to don't find this acceptable. 12 year old girls can be horrible little beasts, they do get better as they get older!
posted by fshgrl at 8:01 PM on February 25, 2012 [17 favorites]
I would also definitely tell her in no uncertain terms that it is NOT OK.
Also, why not suggest she read "Blubber"? I know that book had a strong effect on me at around age 12. (Eat chocolate covered ants, no way!). Anyway, I doubt it's dated, the themes remain the same.
posted by bquarters at 8:05 PM on February 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
Also, why not suggest she read "Blubber"? I know that book had a strong effect on me at around age 12. (Eat chocolate covered ants, no way!). Anyway, I doubt it's dated, the themes remain the same.
posted by bquarters at 8:05 PM on February 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
seconding fshgrl. I still remember the time my grandmother put me on the spot when she heard me tell some story about how I had been a snotty little smartass to some kid in school who dressed funny or something (I was a few years younger than 12, though). She said flat-out: "I don't like hearing that at all. In fact, it makes me ashamed. You have a better heart than that." It was like having a bucket of cold water thrown right in my face. I think I generally tended to be an empathetic kid before that, but like (most) other children, I was sort of careless about it, or inconsistent in terms of how I applied it. But after that, I think I started to have a more conscious sense of trying to develop a sense of empathy. I certainly was quite stunned and abashed my my grandmother's words (so much so, obviously, that the memory is still pretty clear after all this time).
posted by scody at 8:15 PM on February 25, 2012 [43 favorites]
posted by scody at 8:15 PM on February 25, 2012 [43 favorites]
Seconding mareli's recommendation to have her read fiction - it's an excellent way for her to begin to understand the experience of those who are removed from her own version of the world. Anecdotally, I read a story in third grade about a girl who was made fun of at school for wearing the same clothes every day. Somehow, the girls at her school find out that she only had one dress - which she washed every night and wore wet to school every morning - but that she had drawn pictures of a full wardrobe for herself to compensate. I have no idea how to find that story or for what age group it was meant (I read all levels at that age), but it made a *huge* impact on me - one of those, "what you see is not what is always true" kind of life lessons. Hopefully this girl can read something that makes a similar impact.
posted by AthenaPolias at 8:42 PM on February 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by AthenaPolias at 8:42 PM on February 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
There's a documentary coming out soon, called "Bully", which may help, if she watches it with you.
But along with Queen Bees etc. you might also want to look at Rosalind Wiseman's website, where she has blog posts that are insightful; great links and good writers; and talks a lot about what schools are doing - and what they are doing wrong - when addressing this problem.
I'm also right in the middle of Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls (recommended on AskMe previously, which I'm grateful for). What you are describing is straight out of this book.
It may take some time to get to her. I would work with her brother and anyone who spends time with them on the "bystander effect" (the segment covering this in the Anderson Cooper special is helpful) and any adults, for that matter, as well. I work in a school, and see for myself that empowering bystanders is one of the most effective ways to diffuse a situation. And give the kid and her brother permission to speak up. Sometimes you need to give kids a script, or the words to say to empower them. Rosalind Wiseman's SEAL method is good for that. "Look - when you didn't stop muttering about him after I told you to stop, even though he ignored you, and your brother told you to quit it, you made me really mad. I didn't want to make a bigger scene and make him more uncomfortable, so I called you to come help me in the kitchen. It's wrong to embarrass him. You're probably going to keep this up for a bit, but every time I see it, I'm going to say something about it and I will let your teachers know that this is a problem that's continuing. When you feel you can stop this, let me know."
You can also make the adults around her more aware of what alternative and relational aggression looks like coming from girls - the stink eye, the manipulation, and the ignoring... adults need to look for it, deprive her of opportunities to use it, and to not be afraid to call her on it when she does it anyway.
The school needs to be willing to use progressive discipline on her for it, and to keep you up to date on how it's going - it's too easy to the the girls' behaviour slide, because it's quiet and not blatantly disruptive to the class - and it's waaay harder to prove. Knowing you're aware of it, willing to work with them and reasonable about it means they can handle it effectively, and it's not mean of them to use the subtle tools they already have at hand to help him. Keeping her physically away from him and her partners in crime (at the front of the class, not behind his back) and apart from him in lines and at recesses helps remove the opportunities. Keeping her busy and focused by giving her extra classroom tasks and errands can provide pattern interrupts. Having an adult present within earshot when the two of them are at one home together reminds her that privacy can be considered a privilege.
Her friends are more likely to convince her that what she is doing wrong, than the other way around. Talking to them as part a group, casually and in a way that's more of an aside, and helping some to find the courage to speak up to her and leading by example yourself will likely be more effective than a direct confrontation - which often just ends up making them sneakier. Say they're playing: "Wow, did you really just say that? That's a shame. I don't think there's any need to go there, and maybe you should talk find something else to talk about, because that's hurtful. Maybe your friends don't want to go along with that. Don't be mean." Evenly, firmly, slightly incredulously and moving forward is the way to do things like that.
My favourite phrase when I catch something cutting is to say evenly "Now, why would you say that?" and give them the hard stare, and then re-direct them. For example: (overheard) "Ew, look at her hair today!" "Now why would you say that?" (silence) "Okay then. After you quickly apologize for your inconsiderate remark, please take this ball back to the recess bin." My other questions are "Is that necessary?" "Is that kind?" "Would you say that to her face?" "Did you need to say that?" - any variation that puts them on the spot, firmly and directly calling on them to answer for their comment without getting upset, and then re-direct them before the eyeballs get rolling and they can then switch to being grumpy about me and go on calling me "mrsevil", as I understand they do.
What often happens is that a bully's friends turn on her - that's covered in Odd Girl Out too - and that's sometimes the only way they learn the necessary empathy. But otherwise, you can perhaps just make it so uncomfortable for her to proceed that it's not worth the effort for her. You can protect him by pro-actively diverting her and enabling the people around her to stand for themselves (she's possibly and probably bullying them in slight ways too). And you can help her friends, who may not be 100% on board with this either, toward the necessary bravery to dissuade her from this as an activity.
It's really, really hard to admit there's a problem like this in your own family. I admire that you can - I understand, too. I have to be careful of my own daughter, and I have called her on this too. I have the good fortune of seeing her and her friends in school. I think for me, hell would be coming back as a fourth grade girl. I see it in the first grade girls already. And I have to watch my own words too, at my age - we have had to stop kvetching about co-workers and such at dinner, and gossiping with moms on playdates - or remarking on things that to an adult are minor, but since little pitchers have big ears, resonate with kids. In fact, a friend told me once that sarcasm and snark read as hostility to children. Whether or not I feel that's completely true, I think it helps to downplay it at home, and work extra hard to praise every positive action I can and try to get in the habit of just being generous when I speak about people, and provide respective.
Also remember - kids are not usually careless - they're carefree. They just don't think the same way sometimes, and that's stuff to teach. "Yes, I know R- is gross when he eats lunch, but his mother passed away soon after his little sister was born, and his dad may not have time or energy or be one for that kind of thing. Maybe just pass him your extra napkin and let him know nicely that he could use it instead of calling attention to it. Or quietly let me know and I'll do it." Good luck to you all!
posted by peagood at 9:20 PM on February 25, 2012 [25 favorites]
But along with Queen Bees etc. you might also want to look at Rosalind Wiseman's website, where she has blog posts that are insightful; great links and good writers; and talks a lot about what schools are doing - and what they are doing wrong - when addressing this problem.
I'm also right in the middle of Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls (recommended on AskMe previously, which I'm grateful for). What you are describing is straight out of this book.
It may take some time to get to her. I would work with her brother and anyone who spends time with them on the "bystander effect" (the segment covering this in the Anderson Cooper special is helpful) and any adults, for that matter, as well. I work in a school, and see for myself that empowering bystanders is one of the most effective ways to diffuse a situation. And give the kid and her brother permission to speak up. Sometimes you need to give kids a script, or the words to say to empower them. Rosalind Wiseman's SEAL method is good for that. "Look - when you didn't stop muttering about him after I told you to stop, even though he ignored you, and your brother told you to quit it, you made me really mad. I didn't want to make a bigger scene and make him more uncomfortable, so I called you to come help me in the kitchen. It's wrong to embarrass him. You're probably going to keep this up for a bit, but every time I see it, I'm going to say something about it and I will let your teachers know that this is a problem that's continuing. When you feel you can stop this, let me know."
You can also make the adults around her more aware of what alternative and relational aggression looks like coming from girls - the stink eye, the manipulation, and the ignoring... adults need to look for it, deprive her of opportunities to use it, and to not be afraid to call her on it when she does it anyway.
The school needs to be willing to use progressive discipline on her for it, and to keep you up to date on how it's going - it's too easy to the the girls' behaviour slide, because it's quiet and not blatantly disruptive to the class - and it's waaay harder to prove. Knowing you're aware of it, willing to work with them and reasonable about it means they can handle it effectively, and it's not mean of them to use the subtle tools they already have at hand to help him. Keeping her physically away from him and her partners in crime (at the front of the class, not behind his back) and apart from him in lines and at recesses helps remove the opportunities. Keeping her busy and focused by giving her extra classroom tasks and errands can provide pattern interrupts. Having an adult present within earshot when the two of them are at one home together reminds her that privacy can be considered a privilege.
Her friends are more likely to convince her that what she is doing wrong, than the other way around. Talking to them as part a group, casually and in a way that's more of an aside, and helping some to find the courage to speak up to her and leading by example yourself will likely be more effective than a direct confrontation - which often just ends up making them sneakier. Say they're playing: "Wow, did you really just say that? That's a shame. I don't think there's any need to go there, and maybe you should talk find something else to talk about, because that's hurtful. Maybe your friends don't want to go along with that. Don't be mean." Evenly, firmly, slightly incredulously and moving forward is the way to do things like that.
My favourite phrase when I catch something cutting is to say evenly "Now, why would you say that?" and give them the hard stare, and then re-direct them. For example: (overheard) "Ew, look at her hair today!" "Now why would you say that?" (silence) "Okay then. After you quickly apologize for your inconsiderate remark, please take this ball back to the recess bin." My other questions are "Is that necessary?" "Is that kind?" "Would you say that to her face?" "Did you need to say that?" - any variation that puts them on the spot, firmly and directly calling on them to answer for their comment without getting upset, and then re-direct them before the eyeballs get rolling and they can then switch to being grumpy about me and go on calling me "mrsevil", as I understand they do.
What often happens is that a bully's friends turn on her - that's covered in Odd Girl Out too - and that's sometimes the only way they learn the necessary empathy. But otherwise, you can perhaps just make it so uncomfortable for her to proceed that it's not worth the effort for her. You can protect him by pro-actively diverting her and enabling the people around her to stand for themselves (she's possibly and probably bullying them in slight ways too). And you can help her friends, who may not be 100% on board with this either, toward the necessary bravery to dissuade her from this as an activity.
It's really, really hard to admit there's a problem like this in your own family. I admire that you can - I understand, too. I have to be careful of my own daughter, and I have called her on this too. I have the good fortune of seeing her and her friends in school. I think for me, hell would be coming back as a fourth grade girl. I see it in the first grade girls already. And I have to watch my own words too, at my age - we have had to stop kvetching about co-workers and such at dinner, and gossiping with moms on playdates - or remarking on things that to an adult are minor, but since little pitchers have big ears, resonate with kids. In fact, a friend told me once that sarcasm and snark read as hostility to children. Whether or not I feel that's completely true, I think it helps to downplay it at home, and work extra hard to praise every positive action I can and try to get in the habit of just being generous when I speak about people, and provide respective.
Also remember - kids are not usually careless - they're carefree. They just don't think the same way sometimes, and that's stuff to teach. "Yes, I know R- is gross when he eats lunch, but his mother passed away soon after his little sister was born, and his dad may not have time or energy or be one for that kind of thing. Maybe just pass him your extra napkin and let him know nicely that he could use it instead of calling attention to it. Or quietly let me know and I'll do it." Good luck to you all!
posted by peagood at 9:20 PM on February 25, 2012 [25 favorites]
*gah, late posting and dry contact lenses - instead of respective, please read perspective*
posted by peagood at 9:24 PM on February 25, 2012
posted by peagood at 9:24 PM on February 25, 2012
One more book suggestion - The Hundred Dresses is beautiful, and very subtly illustrates what we don't know when we are uncharitable to others, how futile actions after the fact are, and reveals the feelings that linger. My daughter thinks of it often, because it's moving and because at our school which has transient, immigrant students, that particular sort of bullying is often an issue.
posted by peagood at 9:30 PM on February 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by peagood at 9:30 PM on February 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
I believe the story referred to by AthenaPolias is The Hundred Dresses [http://www.amazon.com/Hundred-Dresses-Voyager-Books/dp/0156423502].
posted by espertus at 9:31 PM on February 25, 2012
posted by espertus at 9:31 PM on February 25, 2012
There was a great This American Life episode on Middle School stories recently. The setting was a poor school in Newark, the bullied kid was one of those from a completely broken home and abject poverty, and the girls making fun of him for smelling bad, etc, were good smart girls with leadership qualities. The teacher was the one to turn it around, with a pretty bold move that really could have backfired. She took the girls into her office, and gave it to them straight.
She said something like: when you get up in the morning, you have somebody to give you food, make sure you have clean clothes, get you out the door on time. He doesn't have any of that. The power's been turned off at his house. The roof's caved in. His grandmother has started wandering at night and he goes out to bring her back. When he comes here, he often hasn't had anything to eat. She told the girls that this is not normally something she would tell another student, but she trusted their maturity, and that they could handle it and keep it private. Because when they pick on him, they're breaking him down. The reaction from the girls was empathy. They started talking to him. They worked it out.
I have no experience in this kind of thing, but that story makes me think that trying to activate her native sense of goodness and empathy in response to his specific circumstances might humanize him beyond being just this uncool leper.
posted by oneaday at 9:34 PM on February 25, 2012 [6 favorites]
She said something like: when you get up in the morning, you have somebody to give you food, make sure you have clean clothes, get you out the door on time. He doesn't have any of that. The power's been turned off at his house. The roof's caved in. His grandmother has started wandering at night and he goes out to bring her back. When he comes here, he often hasn't had anything to eat. She told the girls that this is not normally something she would tell another student, but she trusted their maturity, and that they could handle it and keep it private. Because when they pick on him, they're breaking him down. The reaction from the girls was empathy. They started talking to him. They worked it out.
I have no experience in this kind of thing, but that story makes me think that trying to activate her native sense of goodness and empathy in response to his specific circumstances might humanize him beyond being just this uncool leper.
posted by oneaday at 9:34 PM on February 25, 2012 [6 favorites]
Definitely have her imagine herself in his shoes in order to develop empathy.
As an extreme example, when you hear horror stories about ethnic cleansing, it's only possible for people to do that because they imagine their victims aren't people like them.
Bringing it back to school yard bullying - she's probably put him into the category of not being like her, so therefore she doesn't have the remorse or empathy that she would normally feel for other people.
Encourage her to think about how he is in fact, like her. Ask her questions that force her to imagine his life. Also, explain to her that although her circumstances are very good, what if they weren't? What if at the next family reunion, all of her family died in a fire and she had to live in a group home? We all have a psychological coping mechanism of telling ourselves that someone else's bad circumstances couldn't happen to us because we are better/smarter/luckier, and that gets in the way of empathy.
And I nth other posters in the idea of calling her out. She wouldn't probably never dream of beating someone up, because that is very obviously wrong. It might be easy for her to do these subtle bullying behaviours because it hasn't really registered as wrong.
Also, similar to scody's grandmother: tell her that you know that she is a kind and caring person, and she is better than this behaviour. Most people want to live up to other people's expectations of them.
And good for you, for stepping in and nipping this in the bud. :)
posted by Jade_bug at 10:17 PM on February 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
As an extreme example, when you hear horror stories about ethnic cleansing, it's only possible for people to do that because they imagine their victims aren't people like them.
Bringing it back to school yard bullying - she's probably put him into the category of not being like her, so therefore she doesn't have the remorse or empathy that she would normally feel for other people.
Encourage her to think about how he is in fact, like her. Ask her questions that force her to imagine his life. Also, explain to her that although her circumstances are very good, what if they weren't? What if at the next family reunion, all of her family died in a fire and she had to live in a group home? We all have a psychological coping mechanism of telling ourselves that someone else's bad circumstances couldn't happen to us because we are better/smarter/luckier, and that gets in the way of empathy.
And I nth other posters in the idea of calling her out. She wouldn't probably never dream of beating someone up, because that is very obviously wrong. It might be easy for her to do these subtle bullying behaviours because it hasn't really registered as wrong.
Also, similar to scody's grandmother: tell her that you know that she is a kind and caring person, and she is better than this behaviour. Most people want to live up to other people's expectations of them.
And good for you, for stepping in and nipping this in the bud. :)
posted by Jade_bug at 10:17 PM on February 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
I was reminded of this documentary Full of Life about an elementary school class and its extraordinary teacher in Japan. His success was in helping these children to learn empathy and caring. It's a little jewel of a film.
posted by Anitanola at 11:24 PM on February 25, 2012
posted by Anitanola at 11:24 PM on February 25, 2012
I wish I knew an actual solution to this problem, and of course everyone's thoughtful suggestions are great, but as I think you've already recognized, none of them are going to work, at least not in any kind of immediate sense. The only new thing I'd add that hasn't already been said is that in conjunction with a frank discussion and expression of your disappointment in her behavior and certainty that she is capable of more kindness perhaps you can devise a consequence for this behavior that is disguised as a "thought problem": put together a series of questions for her and ask her to spend time (days, not minutes) writing out her answers, and then go over them with her. The questions should start with asking her how SHE feels, and then move into the empathy part--her imagining what the Boy feels. For example: "How do you feel when someone says something disparaging about the outfit you've chosen?" and then "How do you feel when you make a comment about Boy to your friends?" "How do you think your friends feel when you do this?" etc., and finally coming to "How do you think Boy feels?" Also, maybe some "Why do you think/feel that" type questions could be added in there.
When she comes back to you with her answers, you get a second chance to have a conversation about this with her, and in your discussion you might try to think up relevant analogies of this Boy and her treatment of him to stories you know about people from your own life, or your parents, or grandparents. She might relate better to thinking about how people she knows might feel, and you can help her try to see the parallels to this relative stranger.
I'd love it if you checked back in on this thread and let us know what you do, and whether it seemed like it made a difference! Good luck!
posted by gubenuj at 11:48 PM on February 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
When she comes back to you with her answers, you get a second chance to have a conversation about this with her, and in your discussion you might try to think up relevant analogies of this Boy and her treatment of him to stories you know about people from your own life, or your parents, or grandparents. She might relate better to thinking about how people she knows might feel, and you can help her try to see the parallels to this relative stranger.
I'd love it if you checked back in on this thread and let us know what you do, and whether it seemed like it made a difference! Good luck!
posted by gubenuj at 11:48 PM on February 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
Data point about the malleability of kids and teenagers:
I grew up in a neighborhood with a boy who gave me (and many other people) bully trouble. We went to different schools, and when the day came (probably around junior high or so) when I wasn't playing outside as much any more, I rarely saw him and didn't have much of an opportunity to interact with him.
When I was in 9th grade, I was friends with a girl who went to school with this kid. (My friend didn't care for him much either.) She eventually got around to telling me that one day in class, the teacher was talking about a boy who was bullying a girl. The bully apparently burst into tears and had to leave the room. I moved out of state a few years later, so I don't know what kind of adult he turned into, but apparently he had more of a conscience than I ever would have given him credit for.
To the OP: to have the kind of influence in this child's life that you want to have won't help only the bullied kid. It will also help the child in your life when she gets older: if she stops the bullying now, she'll have a lot less to regret. If you can, don't mince words with her: scody's grandmother had the right approach IMNHSO. Sometimes the verbal 2 X 4 works better than the light touch, especially when everything around this girl probably is a subtle positive reinforcement for her bullying.
posted by Currer Belfry at 6:33 AM on February 26, 2012 [1 favorite]
I grew up in a neighborhood with a boy who gave me (and many other people) bully trouble. We went to different schools, and when the day came (probably around junior high or so) when I wasn't playing outside as much any more, I rarely saw him and didn't have much of an opportunity to interact with him.
When I was in 9th grade, I was friends with a girl who went to school with this kid. (My friend didn't care for him much either.) She eventually got around to telling me that one day in class, the teacher was talking about a boy who was bullying a girl. The bully apparently burst into tears and had to leave the room. I moved out of state a few years later, so I don't know what kind of adult he turned into, but apparently he had more of a conscience than I ever would have given him credit for.
To the OP: to have the kind of influence in this child's life that you want to have won't help only the bullied kid. It will also help the child in your life when she gets older: if she stops the bullying now, she'll have a lot less to regret. If you can, don't mince words with her: scody's grandmother had the right approach IMNHSO. Sometimes the verbal 2 X 4 works better than the light touch, especially when everything around this girl probably is a subtle positive reinforcement for her bullying.
posted by Currer Belfry at 6:33 AM on February 26, 2012 [1 favorite]
I don't expect her to suddenly turn on the kindness here. All I'm hoping for is for her to stop tormenting — and possibly convince her friends to stop tormenting — this boy
What do you actually, concretely, want her to do? How do you want her to act towards this boy? What range of actions are acceptable, and what aren't?
This is hard for me to write, because I was more likely to be shunned at her age than popular. I have talked to women who were popular twelve year old girls once, though. They generally tell me that they were extraordinarily aware of the fragility of their social situations, and were terrified of being pushed out of the group. Outside of the movies, I've never heard the "popular girl befriends outcast and makes him popular" story. I have heard several women talk about being exiled from their social groups because they befriended the wrong person as a teenager. If you tell her to be nice and talk to him often, she may hear you as (accurately) saying that she should throw away her social standing.
Telling her that she ought to stop the pointing and eye-rolling is reasonable. The "shunning" thing feels odd to me, though. At that age, the two of them are not necessarily going to be in overlapping social circles. (Especially if he, at twelve, is on a mental and emotional level where play-dates with a third grader are satisfying.) Obviously, she shouldn't be pretending that he doesn't exist if they have to work together in class, but I'm puzzled as to when else this would come up. If he is repeatedly trying to become friendly with her, and she isn't interested, "pretending that he doesn't exist" seems like a fairly normal response at that age.
I really don't like teaching girls that if someone wants to talk to them, they are obligated to engage out of politeness. It often gets them into dangerous situations later in life.
As nice as it sounds (to me, the former social outcast), she doesn't have to be friends with this boy. Does she have the tools to disengage from attempted conversation without being nasty? If her social group turns catty and giggling, does she have the ability to shift conversation elsewhere? Most adults can't manage that. You are right that she may need to learn a little more empathy, but if you want to get involved with this, it will become your job to teach her the tools she needs to =use that empathy.
posted by catalytics at 6:50 AM on February 26, 2012 [6 favorites]
What do you actually, concretely, want her to do? How do you want her to act towards this boy? What range of actions are acceptable, and what aren't?
This is hard for me to write, because I was more likely to be shunned at her age than popular. I have talked to women who were popular twelve year old girls once, though. They generally tell me that they were extraordinarily aware of the fragility of their social situations, and were terrified of being pushed out of the group. Outside of the movies, I've never heard the "popular girl befriends outcast and makes him popular" story. I have heard several women talk about being exiled from their social groups because they befriended the wrong person as a teenager. If you tell her to be nice and talk to him often, she may hear you as (accurately) saying that she should throw away her social standing.
Telling her that she ought to stop the pointing and eye-rolling is reasonable. The "shunning" thing feels odd to me, though. At that age, the two of them are not necessarily going to be in overlapping social circles. (Especially if he, at twelve, is on a mental and emotional level where play-dates with a third grader are satisfying.) Obviously, she shouldn't be pretending that he doesn't exist if they have to work together in class, but I'm puzzled as to when else this would come up. If he is repeatedly trying to become friendly with her, and she isn't interested, "pretending that he doesn't exist" seems like a fairly normal response at that age.
I really don't like teaching girls that if someone wants to talk to them, they are obligated to engage out of politeness. It often gets them into dangerous situations later in life.
As nice as it sounds (to me, the former social outcast), she doesn't have to be friends with this boy. Does she have the tools to disengage from attempted conversation without being nasty? If her social group turns catty and giggling, does she have the ability to shift conversation elsewhere? Most adults can't manage that. You are right that she may need to learn a little more empathy, but if you want to get involved with this, it will become your job to teach her the tools she needs to =use that empathy.
posted by catalytics at 6:50 AM on February 26, 2012 [6 favorites]
You could change your standing lunch date to a service activity that helps disadvantaged children.
posted by Houstonian at 6:53 AM on February 26, 2012
posted by Houstonian at 6:53 AM on February 26, 2012
After sleeping on it, I'm sorry I missed AthenaPolias' answer, which was the book I went on to recommend. And I felt bad that I hadn't worked harder to answer your question about developing her empathy.
This morning I also remembered the crumpled paper lesson that was going around the Internets recently.
I've used a variation of it, where I've taken one kid aside to let him/her know that the way they're talking isn't being well-received, and using the progressive discipline (verbal warning; time aside; visit with the principal) (the principal then goes from quiet talk; one visit to the office without a call home - two visits equals call home.) It's the first step. Then, every time I catch them doing it again on other occasions (because I don't think you can change the course of a river with a single pebble) I quietly just hand them a small piece of crumpled white paper. At home I do it too, if I find my kid is speaking rudely to me (or her father or grandparents), to let her know that that kind of disrespect can wear adults down too. You don't always have to be in their face about it - sometimes all they need is a gentle reminder to self-regulate.
posted by peagood at 7:11 AM on February 26, 2012 [1 favorite]
This morning I also remembered the crumpled paper lesson that was going around the Internets recently.
I've used a variation of it, where I've taken one kid aside to let him/her know that the way they're talking isn't being well-received, and using the progressive discipline (verbal warning; time aside; visit with the principal) (the principal then goes from quiet talk; one visit to the office without a call home - two visits equals call home.) It's the first step. Then, every time I catch them doing it again on other occasions (because I don't think you can change the course of a river with a single pebble) I quietly just hand them a small piece of crumpled white paper. At home I do it too, if I find my kid is speaking rudely to me (or her father or grandparents), to let her know that that kind of disrespect can wear adults down too. You don't always have to be in their face about it - sometimes all they need is a gentle reminder to self-regulate.
posted by peagood at 7:11 AM on February 26, 2012 [1 favorite]
Can you go with her as a volunteer to a soup kitchen? Letting her see how much less fortunate others are than her in a very concrete way may help with the empathy in general.
posted by zizzle at 7:30 AM on February 26, 2012
posted by zizzle at 7:30 AM on February 26, 2012
Though I think community service is a really good idea for everyone to do, I really want to advocate against using community service as a consequence for bad behavior. You could end up creating in her mind exactly the opposite message you are aiming for - "My aunt thinks I'm too snotty so she's making me spend time around disgusting losers. It's like I'm supposed to feel guilty." It could really backfire and create resentment if presented that way.
Do community service with her because it's a value you have and want to share, because it gives you pleasure to be helpful to others, because your community needs it, because it does expand your world. I think it might be a great practice to institute generally as a thing you do together because you're interested in it, but please make sure it's unconnected to this specific event. It could easily end up as a one-off, touristic experience which she sees as "teaching a lesson" and resists. And people receiving services don't need to consider themselves a lesson.
Also, the larger lesson doesn't have to do with the less fortunate. This kid may be in a group home and perhaps that's a factor, but we all know that anybody can be singled out for hostile attention, even people with 'normal' homes and families and incomes and resources and intellect. Try to separate the classism dimension of this problem from the personal-insecurity dimension (what catalytic mentions about feeling the pressure to maintain one's social place at all costs) and deal with each on its own.
posted by Miko at 7:54 AM on February 26, 2012 [4 favorites]
Do community service with her because it's a value you have and want to share, because it gives you pleasure to be helpful to others, because your community needs it, because it does expand your world. I think it might be a great practice to institute generally as a thing you do together because you're interested in it, but please make sure it's unconnected to this specific event. It could easily end up as a one-off, touristic experience which she sees as "teaching a lesson" and resists. And people receiving services don't need to consider themselves a lesson.
Also, the larger lesson doesn't have to do with the less fortunate. This kid may be in a group home and perhaps that's a factor, but we all know that anybody can be singled out for hostile attention, even people with 'normal' homes and families and incomes and resources and intellect. Try to separate the classism dimension of this problem from the personal-insecurity dimension (what catalytic mentions about feeling the pressure to maintain one's social place at all costs) and deal with each on its own.
posted by Miko at 7:54 AM on February 26, 2012 [4 favorites]
I think it's also important to figure out a way for her to get her friends to start being nicer to the boy. She might totally understand that bullying him is wrong, after you talk to her, and she might have no problem stopping if it was just her. But she's gonna worry about her reputation at school too - if she is the leader of the clique that also makes fun of the boy, then she will definitely worry about how to deal with her friends if she suddenly use stops. Her friends might not listen to her if she simple says "guys, knock it off," and then she might be the one getting bullied by the rest of the popular kids.
posted by never.was.and.never.will.be. at 8:57 AM on February 26, 2012
posted by never.was.and.never.will.be. at 8:57 AM on February 26, 2012
I think people are giving this girl way too much power. She's a 12 year old girl. i was a popular, athletic, pretty 12 year old girl and I needed the adults in my life to keep me in check, pretty hard sometimes. Her "social standing" is no concern of yours or of any adult in their right mind. It's not a movie.
Keep it short and snappy. Tell her her behavior is unacceptable and you are bitterly disappointed in her and her friends. Tell her you NEVER want to hear about her acting that way again, under any circumstances. If she says "oh my friends..." tell her you're not real impressed with them either, they sound mean and maybe she should be friends with nice people. Tell her it's her responsibility to be kind to people who have less advantages in life than her. End of story. Let her chew on that.
Unless the kid is making her life miserable, and even then, there is no excuse for her behavior (so you might want to make sure he's not hitting on her or putting worms in her lunch or anything first).
posted by fshgrl at 11:24 AM on February 26, 2012 [5 favorites]
Keep it short and snappy. Tell her her behavior is unacceptable and you are bitterly disappointed in her and her friends. Tell her you NEVER want to hear about her acting that way again, under any circumstances. If she says "oh my friends..." tell her you're not real impressed with them either, they sound mean and maybe she should be friends with nice people. Tell her it's her responsibility to be kind to people who have less advantages in life than her. End of story. Let her chew on that.
Unless the kid is making her life miserable, and even then, there is no excuse for her behavior (so you might want to make sure he's not hitting on her or putting worms in her lunch or anything first).
posted by fshgrl at 11:24 AM on February 26, 2012 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks so much for so many thoughtful answers. I'm investigating all the resources suggested, both for her (yay, Blubber!) and for me (and her parents, too). My plan is first a very frank discussion — I have no problem expressing my disappointment in severe terms — followed up with empowerment of her brother and the victim and one of the girls in the clique who is least comfortable with the situation.
I think most of them wouldn't consider themselves bullies, and I'm hopeful that just applying the term will have a bit of shock value. They know what they're doing is cruel, but they probably do not realize how harmful their behavior is because it has not been labeled.
I'm also hoping to convince a semi-retired and well-loved teacher at the school (and who has an excellent background in this area) to offer this sixth grade class a special session on empathy, preferably while the victim is engaged elsewhere. The classroom teacher is on board, since he is disgusted with the girls' behavior, but frustrated that it's so hard to prove.
I've also done a bit of other investigation and discovered that at least one other girl in the clique is cyber-bullying another girl at the school. I shall address that shit as well.
I'll will certainly update this thread as developments proceed. Thanks again, everyone.
posted by tempest in a teapot at 1:16 PM on February 26, 2012 [3 favorites]
I think most of them wouldn't consider themselves bullies, and I'm hopeful that just applying the term will have a bit of shock value. They know what they're doing is cruel, but they probably do not realize how harmful their behavior is because it has not been labeled.
I'm also hoping to convince a semi-retired and well-loved teacher at the school (and who has an excellent background in this area) to offer this sixth grade class a special session on empathy, preferably while the victim is engaged elsewhere. The classroom teacher is on board, since he is disgusted with the girls' behavior, but frustrated that it's so hard to prove.
I've also done a bit of other investigation and discovered that at least one other girl in the clique is cyber-bullying another girl at the school. I shall address that shit as well.
I'll will certainly update this thread as developments proceed. Thanks again, everyone.
posted by tempest in a teapot at 1:16 PM on February 26, 2012 [3 favorites]
OP, I think you're right on track with your idea that it will be helpful just to label the behavior as bullying. In my experience (as a middle-school teacher), kids definitely know that bullying is Very Bad, but they're often not aware that subtle actions like eye-rolling can be considered bullying.
So when you take this tack, you must be very specific about the behaviors you're referring to. If you say "I've heard that you have been bullying Johnny", she will immediately be defensive -- bullying is Very Bad and she is not Very Bad so whatever you have to say is just wrong. But she might be more receptive if you start with "I've heard that you sometimes [very important qualifier for the legalistic mind of a 12-year-old] giggle or roll your eyes when Johnny talks. You might not know this, but that is considered bullying because it makes him feel like his ideas are stupid."
I've also found that it can be a big relief for kids if you acknowledge that they're allowed to not like people. The opposite of bullying is not friendship, but politeness and respect. You could say something like, "You don't have to like Johnny, but you do have to be polite and respectful."
posted by kayram at 1:59 PM on February 26, 2012 [1 favorite]
So when you take this tack, you must be very specific about the behaviors you're referring to. If you say "I've heard that you have been bullying Johnny", she will immediately be defensive -- bullying is Very Bad and she is not Very Bad so whatever you have to say is just wrong. But she might be more receptive if you start with "I've heard that you sometimes [very important qualifier for the legalistic mind of a 12-year-old] giggle or roll your eyes when Johnny talks. You might not know this, but that is considered bullying because it makes him feel like his ideas are stupid."
I've also found that it can be a big relief for kids if you acknowledge that they're allowed to not like people. The opposite of bullying is not friendship, but politeness and respect. You could say something like, "You don't have to like Johnny, but you do have to be polite and respectful."
posted by kayram at 1:59 PM on February 26, 2012 [1 favorite]
I'm also hoping to convince a semi-retired and well-loved teacher at the school (and who has an excellent background in this area) to offer this sixth grade class a special session on empathy, preferably while the victim is engaged elsewhere. The classroom teacher is on board, since he is disgusted with the girls' behavior, but frustrated that it's so hard to prove.
This is the one thing I take exception to in your response: having the "victim" engaged elsewhere is going to emphasize his supposed outsider status. If I were that kid, I would be mortified to learn that there was a big discussion about me while I was being kept away. He needs to be with his cohort while these discussions are going on. If it is a general talk about empathy there's no reason his name should ever come up. (there's also the fact that it is not unheard of for people that have been harassed to harass or bully other people themselves).
posted by oneirodynia at 2:22 PM on February 26, 2012 [4 favorites]
This is the one thing I take exception to in your response: having the "victim" engaged elsewhere is going to emphasize his supposed outsider status. If I were that kid, I would be mortified to learn that there was a big discussion about me while I was being kept away. He needs to be with his cohort while these discussions are going on. If it is a general talk about empathy there's no reason his name should ever come up. (there's also the fact that it is not unheard of for people that have been harassed to harass or bully other people themselves).
posted by oneirodynia at 2:22 PM on February 26, 2012 [4 favorites]
In our household, we've had a couple of conversations about comedy--unrelated to bullying but as I think about it, it's the foundation of our stance on bullying:
George Carlin once said that comedy is only funny when you take on people who have power (sorry I don't have the direct quote). It's not funny to pick on someone who doesn't have power. (We've also talked about how power is contextual.)
I think when it comes to bullying, you're not likely to succeed in teaching empathy -- and she's not likely to read the books you give her. But I wouldn't hesitate to explain to her issues about privilege and power and mention the Carlin stance on comedy. (for kids, comedy is funny when you pick on grownups, but not little puppy dogs). I'd be seriously disappointed with her, angry even, and I'd tell her that picking on that kid is a dick move. (because when you don't normally swear a lot or use dirty language, kids really listen when you do.)
posted by vitabellosi at 5:37 PM on February 26, 2012
George Carlin once said that comedy is only funny when you take on people who have power (sorry I don't have the direct quote). It's not funny to pick on someone who doesn't have power. (We've also talked about how power is contextual.)
I think when it comes to bullying, you're not likely to succeed in teaching empathy -- and she's not likely to read the books you give her. But I wouldn't hesitate to explain to her issues about privilege and power and mention the Carlin stance on comedy. (for kids, comedy is funny when you pick on grownups, but not little puppy dogs). I'd be seriously disappointed with her, angry even, and I'd tell her that picking on that kid is a dick move. (because when you don't normally swear a lot or use dirty language, kids really listen when you do.)
posted by vitabellosi at 5:37 PM on February 26, 2012
I guess the semi-retired teacher will have her own opinion about this (either way), but I think that sending the victim away during the classroom's session on empathy is a bad idea. As a former victim of elementary school bullying, I think this kid might feel like the adults in his life were suddenly excluding him, too.
I still remember ONE SINGLE time when a teacher stood up for me in school. I was in grade four, and for some reason we were standing in a circle holding hands in phys ed. The boy next to me refused to hold my hand, and the teacher gave the whole class a talking to right there on the spot. I'm sure that at that moment I was embarrassed, but my memory of the event now is very positive. Let this kid see people--teachers if not peers--standing up for him. It feels good to know someone has your back and sees what you are going through. (As I said, that was the only time I ever had that experience; my teachers in grades 2, 3, and 5 did not do anything. This kid may or may not have a history, but regardless, I think it could be a very positive thing for him to be there for.)
catalytics, I totally get what you are saying, but this kid is not a stranger that the girl is being asked to talk to out of politeness. He is her classmate. They may need to work together or have other interactions in the classroom. Sure, she doesn't need to become best mates with him, but pointedly ignoring him and by extension encouraging her whole group to pointedly ignore him is not something that should be excused. As for "popular girl befriends outcast"... I suppose I would have been bullied in grades 6, 7, and 8 too, except that one of the popular girls wound up on the outs with her group and suddenly needed a friend. When she was eventually back in with the girls, I at least stopped getting teased.
Thanks for doing this, tempest in a teapot. Even if you don't have success, I know that the boy who is being bullied will notice your effort and appreciate it. Good on you!
posted by snorkmaiden at 6:15 PM on February 26, 2012 [1 favorite]
I still remember ONE SINGLE time when a teacher stood up for me in school. I was in grade four, and for some reason we were standing in a circle holding hands in phys ed. The boy next to me refused to hold my hand, and the teacher gave the whole class a talking to right there on the spot. I'm sure that at that moment I was embarrassed, but my memory of the event now is very positive. Let this kid see people--teachers if not peers--standing up for him. It feels good to know someone has your back and sees what you are going through. (As I said, that was the only time I ever had that experience; my teachers in grades 2, 3, and 5 did not do anything. This kid may or may not have a history, but regardless, I think it could be a very positive thing for him to be there for.)
catalytics, I totally get what you are saying, but this kid is not a stranger that the girl is being asked to talk to out of politeness. He is her classmate. They may need to work together or have other interactions in the classroom. Sure, she doesn't need to become best mates with him, but pointedly ignoring him and by extension encouraging her whole group to pointedly ignore him is not something that should be excused. As for "popular girl befriends outcast"... I suppose I would have been bullied in grades 6, 7, and 8 too, except that one of the popular girls wound up on the outs with her group and suddenly needed a friend. When she was eventually back in with the girls, I at least stopped getting teased.
Thanks for doing this, tempest in a teapot. Even if you don't have success, I know that the boy who is being bullied will notice your effort and appreciate it. Good on you!
posted by snorkmaiden at 6:15 PM on February 26, 2012 [1 favorite]
When I was in elementary school we lived very far into the country. The community, while basically completely homogeneously white catholic, had two distinct groups: people who lived out in the woods because they could afford large tracks of land, and people so destitute that they could only afford to live outside of the town limits.
A girl in my class was a member of the second group. She smelled bad and almost everyone in the class mocked her ruthlessly. I probably would have done the same except I heard she had a goat. I was really excited when she invited me to her house for a sleepover so we could milk her goat.
Her family were farmers for generations. A few years earlier, their family had lost the dilapidated farm house in a horrible fire. The parents and five children moved into a small trailer home with no running water. There was a bucket for waste and everyone took showers in the barn where they had set up a hose. The older daughter did her barn chores in bare feet- so that she could keep the cow manure off her only pair of shoes.
This girl and all her family all literally reeked with poverty. Of COURSE they smelled bad. Of COURSE they were in the free-lunch line and never could bring cupcakes for their turn on party days. It gave me a better sense of empathy- better than any I could have ever put together on my own from books or lectures.
The teachers in school did the best they could to try to stop the other kids from messing with her: they had special lectures when she went to her private reading lessons, they were very present during recess, gave us books. The reality of her situation was mostly lost on them. They really only understood that she was dirty- and that was something to make fun of.
I'm not sure how to ever re-create that sort of experience, but I'll tell you- it absolutely changed my entire life.
posted by Blisterlips at 6:38 AM on February 27, 2012 [4 favorites]
A girl in my class was a member of the second group. She smelled bad and almost everyone in the class mocked her ruthlessly. I probably would have done the same except I heard she had a goat. I was really excited when she invited me to her house for a sleepover so we could milk her goat.
Her family were farmers for generations. A few years earlier, their family had lost the dilapidated farm house in a horrible fire. The parents and five children moved into a small trailer home with no running water. There was a bucket for waste and everyone took showers in the barn where they had set up a hose. The older daughter did her barn chores in bare feet- so that she could keep the cow manure off her only pair of shoes.
This girl and all her family all literally reeked with poverty. Of COURSE they smelled bad. Of COURSE they were in the free-lunch line and never could bring cupcakes for their turn on party days. It gave me a better sense of empathy- better than any I could have ever put together on my own from books or lectures.
The teachers in school did the best they could to try to stop the other kids from messing with her: they had special lectures when she went to her private reading lessons, they were very present during recess, gave us books. The reality of her situation was mostly lost on them. They really only understood that she was dirty- and that was something to make fun of.
I'm not sure how to ever re-create that sort of experience, but I'll tell you- it absolutely changed my entire life.
posted by Blisterlips at 6:38 AM on February 27, 2012 [4 favorites]
"I shall address that shit as well."
(It's like the line from Tina Fey's essay in Bossypants: "And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, for I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.")
vitabellosi, I use a version of this at school, because the most common defense I hear when I call someone out is "I was only jokinnnngggg." "A joke is when everybody laughs." or "A joke is when everyone thinks it's funny." And the hard stare, with a tinge of disappointment. "I'm not laughing."
posted by peagood at 7:28 AM on February 27, 2012 [2 favorites]
(It's like the line from Tina Fey's essay in Bossypants: "And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, for I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.")
vitabellosi, I use a version of this at school, because the most common defense I hear when I call someone out is "I was only jokinnnngggg." "A joke is when everybody laughs." or "A joke is when everyone thinks it's funny." And the hard stare, with a tinge of disappointment. "I'm not laughing."
posted by peagood at 7:28 AM on February 27, 2012 [2 favorites]
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posted by katypickle at 7:00 PM on February 25, 2012 [25 favorites]