How can I get myself to have safer sex?

February 16, 2012 5:54 AM

I'm really bad about using condoms consistently, and I don't know what to do to make myself be more responsible and safe.

I'm a sexually active female in my late 20s, and I've always been really bad about this. If I'm with a guy who is very pro-condom and responsible, I go along with it without any problems, but if they balk or complain I end up having unprotected sex. This causes me a lot of worry and shame. I know I should be more responsible and that I'm taking big risks (I even do this with one-night stands). I don't really know why I do this. I know I have a lot of sexual baggage and have been through some sexual abuse, so I guess I have some problems with asserting myself sexually or sticking up for myself. I also just really don't like condoms. I know I'm not going to stop having sex, but it freaks me out that I'm taking such huge risks and it's making me feel really bad about myself. I would really appreciate any advice about how to get over this. Thanks. Throwaway email: [e-mail]

posted by anonymous to Health & Fitness (19 answers total)

First of all, get tested, as regularly and as often as your doctor recommends after he or she hears about your history of at-risk behaviour.

If you are not on the pill or using some other contraceptive to prevent pregnancy, start doing that.

Then really inform yourself about the possible consequences of unprotected sex. Do some research about what it's like to have HIV or AIDs, or even much milder STDs like herpes — which can't be cured and will mean a lot of men who might otherwise have wanted to date you will refuse to. Some STDs could make you infertile — it happened to a friend of mine. Read all about it. Look at pictures of infected genitals.

If your partners balk at using condoms, tell him about what you've learned. If he still balks after that, dump him, because he's not adult enough to be having sex or to be in a relationship.

And remember: like looking both ways before you cross the street, this is not about shame. It's about taking care of yourself and others, and being safe.
posted by orange swan at 6:06 AM on February 16, 2012 [10 favorites]

Anonymous: I am not a therapist, I have never been confronted with sexual abuse, and I am totally and entirely talking out of my ass. I am responding entirely and solely from a perspective of "hey, maybe this is a weird thing that will help you hack your own brain for a while." Feel free to ignore any piece of the following suggestion, or even the whole thing.

Now then:

I'm wondering - the person who hurt you. Did THEY use a condom? If they didn't -- maybe that's a way you could hack your own brain for a while, by adopting a sort of "no condom = they're a bad person who is bad" mental filter. That may help you keep your own willpower for a while, maybe ("Oh, you DON'T want to use a condom? Well, in my experience, the people who didn't use condoms have been dicksmacks, so buy-bye!")
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:29 AM on February 16, 2012

Keep your own condoms available. It's just possible your guy may not want to be presumptuous in coming prepared. Ensure that you let him know that he'll need to be cracking one open once you are sure where you want things to go for the evening.

But I would take it further than orange swan and say that if your partner balks at using condoms, he is not someone you want to be having sex with at all. I would suggest you show him the door immediately if he does so. If you still want to educate him, you can keep a stack of pamphlets handy and offer him one when you hand him his coat.
posted by rocketpup at 6:35 AM on February 16, 2012

I know I'm not going to stop having sex,

Not to sound unsupportive, but why is a (temporary) period of celibacy off the table while you sort out your inability to protect/assert yourself in unsafe situations? Alternatively, could you set boundaries that allow you to practice slightly safer sex (such as mutual masturbation) if your partners are not willing to use condoms? This could help you gain the confidence to just say no if they balk at protection.

I'm going to say this in case it helps: you are worth protecting from disease and unwanted pregnancy. You have every right to say *no* to sex with anyone who tries to brush this off.


Also, please strongly consider therapy.
posted by sundaydriver at 6:39 AM on February 16, 2012 [16 favorites]

All the suggestions so far are very good. However, a key to really resolving this is for you to understand why it is important for you to feel worry and shame associated with sex.
posted by txmon at 6:51 AM on February 16, 2012 [2 favorites]

I know it's hard to stand up for yourself in intimate situations, but it's SO important. What has helped me? 1) having condoms everywhere (at home, in your luggage, in your make-up bag, in your purse)! easier to insist on 'em when you have them handy. 2) Mental trick: Pretend everyone has an STI that can't be transmitted when a condom is used. It's so much easier to insist on protection if you think there's something real at stake...and there is! 3) It's a habit: the more you do it, the easier it gets. The first time I had to kick a guy out of bed for this was really hard, but consider--if he doesn't care about your health and your life, he doesn't seem quite so attractive anymore, does he?

Okay, in my case, it was a little easier because he said he'd put on one and clearly he hadn't. I called him on it, and he tried to play it off like a joke. I got dressed, called him an irresponsible asshole, and left. At first I felt like a prig, but the closer to home I got, the better I felt about myself.
posted by smirkette at 6:54 AM on February 16, 2012 [11 favorites]

Just think of the other folks he's having unprotected sex with. Blargh!
posted by Occula at 6:58 AM on February 16, 2012 [2 favorites]

One thing that would help with this is practice. Having a rote line about condom use, that you repeat until everyone understands, is helpful. "I only have sex with condoms." Guy: blah blah blah. You: "I only have sex with condoms."

On a more global basis... well, the way to get over this is to stop being so invested in making yourself feel bad.

Lots of us have a version of this. (Without getting specific, I've had similar issues.) It's hard to think, and feel, clearly about this topic! But the whole point is: why are we intentionally giving ourselves periods of prolonged worry and agitation? It's because we want to wrap ourselves up in a comfortable blanket of anxiety. We should instead then do the work to make ourselves not subject to that. This behavior is just revictimizing. And the problem with revictimizing is that fate-tempting actually sometimes ends really badly, with permanent consequences.

Here: picture yourself with an STD and an unintended pregnancy. Visualize that for a while.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 6:58 AM on February 16, 2012 [5 favorites]

Maybe this is a weird suggestion, but do you have a trusted friend with whom you could do some role-playing scenarios? Not engaging in actual sexual situations, obviously, but play-acting both sides of an interaction in which one person doesn't want to use condoms. It can be really hard to assert yourself when you feel like you have no idea what you're doing or how the situation could play out. You could rehearse different sorts of scenarios -- guy is reluctant but concedes; guy balks and so you suggest other, lower-risk activities; guy is an asshole and so you leave with your head held high. You could even play the role of the guy at first and see how someone else deals with the situation.

If you practice actually inhabiting the role of someone who stands up for herself, it could make it easier to actually do it in reality.
posted by enlarged to show texture at 6:59 AM on February 16, 2012 [1 favorite]

I think Occula is on to something. Whatever the odds are of contracting an STI, they're going to be much higher in the people routinely having unprotected sex - that is, the odds of contracting something will be much higher from the men who aren't too fussed about wearing condoms.

Condoms HAVE to be a reality of casual sex, because the risk of infection is high and you can't explore other options. In a long-term monogamous relationship, there's other options that separate out the pregnancy risk from the STI issue - like an IUD/IUS after you've both been tested - but they don't work for casual relationships where you need a barrier method as well as a contraceptive method. Diseased genitals are one thing, not to mention HIV and viral hepatitis, but you're also elevating your risk for several cancers and, for example, chlamydia infection makes you 5x as likely to become infected to HIV if you're exposed. It's a real thing that could affect your whole life, not just sex, not to mention making it much more likely you won't be safe for a long-term partner to have unprotected sex with.

Also, if you haven't experimented with better condoms, it might be a good time to get a sampler pack from your right-on sex shop of choice - a thinner, less obtrusive kind might be a really good compromise. But finding the way to assert yourself and put value on your own health, let alone others', has to come first.

Good luck!
posted by carbide at 7:18 AM on February 16, 2012

Do you have trouble standing up for yourself in non-sexual situations? Because it could be that your trouble is with assertiveness/confrontation/risking upsetting people, which isn't necessarily just a sexual issue. You can know enough about prophylactics and STDs to write a book, but it won't help if you're straight-up afraid to tell someone "condom or nothing, dude."

If this sounds like you, practice saying no in lower-risk situations: at work, with friends, to guys in bars. Any time you don't really want to do something, but are thinking about going along to avoid making waves, say no instead. A very low-risk practice situation is to go to stores with pushy salespeople and look them in the eye while telling them you're not interested, rather than just slinking away and mumbling. Learning to say no will protect you in bed and out of it.
posted by Metroid Baby at 7:50 AM on February 16, 2012 [2 favorites]

Always have condoms around. After things get hot and heavy but before any naked genitals come into touch, just say "let me go get a condom" in one breath real quick in between the sighing and moaning. I guarantee you that 99.9% of guys will just whisper back "OK hurry up." This one line is a lot less awkward than asking if the guy has a condom (which gives him the option of saying he doesn't want to use one), and it is the quickest way of saying it without worrying about sounding like a prude and wanting to use a condom, and skips the whole awkward discussion: "do you have a condom?" "no? that's OK, I do." Seriously, just have condoms on hand and just say "let me grab a condom" when you're ready, which to a guy means "WOO HOO SEX IS GONNA HAPPEN NOW"
posted by never.was.and.never.will.be. at 7:54 AM on February 16, 2012 [7 favorites]

For one thing, you should treat condoms as a practical issue, not a moral issue. You aren't a bad or dirty person if you don't use them sometimes, you are just at higher risk for some STI's and maybe pregnancy (assuming you aren't also taking the pill, say). I think that those feelings of guilt can get in the way of taking practical steps to reduce harm and make the best decision in what might be an imperfect situation. Take concrete, practical steps to help make better decisions, like having condoms in your purse and by the bed, practicing some scripts for how to talk about this with lovers, and rehearsing what you can do and say if someone doesn't want to put on a rubber.

For another thing, know that this is something that many, many, many people struggle with. Very few people actively like condoms, and real-world use rates are often quite low. That's not to say that you should say "oh boy, I can go with the crowd on this one!", but that you shouldn't be feeling like you are the only person who struggles with this. I've linked to usage rates before, and I don't have the time to dig out those numbers right now, but they are startlingly low, even for people who are in the best possible positions to negotiate condom use.

Lastly, which kind of gets back to my first point, I think your real issue here is your feelings of guilt and shame, and the links between your current choices and your history of abuse. That's dealt with by seeing a really good therapist, not by focusing on safer sex. If you are engaging in self destructive behaviors (which is what I'd call barebacking with a one-night stand), you need to address the underlying issues.
posted by Forktine at 8:28 AM on February 16, 2012 [4 favorites]

Some practical advice: keep the condoms close to the place where you're having sex. (if this means keeping some by the bed, some by the couch, and some in some secret place in the kitchen, so be it.) Also, you don't ask him if he wants to use it, you just put it on him yourself. He's not going to take it off.
posted by madcaptenor at 10:48 AM on February 16, 2012

Also, you don't ask him if he wants to use it, you just put it on him yourself.

I have yet to meet a woman who can put on a condom correctly (they nearly always make it too snug around the head, so there little to no reservoir and the risk of tearing during sex is greatly magnified). If you're going to do this, get some pointers first and practice.
posted by coolguymichael at 11:35 AM on February 16, 2012

coolguymichael, you need to meet better women.

(Seriously, though, this is an issue.)
posted by madcaptenor at 12:09 PM on February 16, 2012

I'm nthing the buying condoms that are thinner and stashing them about, it really helps! I used trojan microthins and had them in my purse, my lady wallet, my car, my hygeine bag, by my bed etc. Its so much easier if you have them readily available and can just grab one without having to travel very far and stick it on him. I never gave my partners a choice, I just treated it like it was part of the routine and I only ever had one guy say "we don't need that", and I looked at him and said "wait, no sex?". It got the point along easily that sex = condoms and it wasn't an issue after that. Good luck!

Also, when you put it on pinch the tip so the reservoir isn't full of air and the semen has somewhere to go.
posted by julie_of_the_jungle at 6:06 PM on February 16, 2012 [1 favorite]

i came in here to type pretty much exactly what julie of the jungle said: i keep condoms and lube in my bag, i take them out when sexytime is getting serious, and any dude who says "oh, but i don't like condoms" gets "i guess you're not having sex with me!" in a joking tone. no man has ever chosen no sex over not using a condom; if one did, i wouldn't have any problems tossing him out immediately. i deserve better, and so do you! please take care of yourself.
posted by lia at 6:51 PM on February 16, 2012

This doesn't really treat the core issue here, but just as a pleasant reminder if you haven't heard - gonorrhea is probably going to be untreatable soon.
posted by getawaysticks at 6:57 AM on February 17, 2012 [1 favorite]