How to be a good parent to a kid going through puberty
February 16, 2012 5:54 AM Subscribe
My daughter is starting puberty and I'm freaking out.
Yes, this is a rather open-ended 'question', but I am wanting any and all advice and words of experience here.
She's 9 1/2. Not particularly mature or immature for her age. She anxious because she's noticed her breasts starting to develop (as have I) and feels sad about it. She says she's too young.
I'm anxious because my kid is starting a huge change and also because I feel really unprepared both to help her with this process and to be a parent of a puberty-immersed kid. For whatever reasons, I've never felt as anxious about any other stage. Maybe it's a fear that she won't like me anymore? Maybe that I won't be able to relate to her? I was never a particularly 'girly' girl and I think part of this is not knowing how to be supportive of a more conventionally girl-kid starting the growing up process.
So far here's what I've done: 1) She already has a copy of It's Perfectly Normal which she's read and periodically skims. We've talked about some basics of menstruation and sexuality at various points 2) I've explained she's at the very beginning of a long process and it won't happen fast. I've also explained it's normal, and explained some of the positives of the process (ie: if you decide to have babies, growing breasts is going to help you feed and take care of them - they have a purpose). 3) I've signed us up for a kid/parent pre-puberty class at the local Planned Parenthood.
Now what? How do I help her feel supported and help her get her questions answered without being pushy? How can I be a good parent to a kid starting this process? How do I avoid adding to her anxiety with my own? What books should I get her (she loves to read)? What movies should we watch? What else should I think about as she starts this process?
Yes, this is a rather open-ended 'question', but I am wanting any and all advice and words of experience here.
She's 9 1/2. Not particularly mature or immature for her age. She anxious because she's noticed her breasts starting to develop (as have I) and feels sad about it. She says she's too young.
I'm anxious because my kid is starting a huge change and also because I feel really unprepared both to help her with this process and to be a parent of a puberty-immersed kid. For whatever reasons, I've never felt as anxious about any other stage. Maybe it's a fear that she won't like me anymore? Maybe that I won't be able to relate to her? I was never a particularly 'girly' girl and I think part of this is not knowing how to be supportive of a more conventionally girl-kid starting the growing up process.
So far here's what I've done: 1) She already has a copy of It's Perfectly Normal which she's read and periodically skims. We've talked about some basics of menstruation and sexuality at various points 2) I've explained she's at the very beginning of a long process and it won't happen fast. I've also explained it's normal, and explained some of the positives of the process (ie: if you decide to have babies, growing breasts is going to help you feed and take care of them - they have a purpose). 3) I've signed us up for a kid/parent pre-puberty class at the local Planned Parenthood.
Now what? How do I help her feel supported and help her get her questions answered without being pushy? How can I be a good parent to a kid starting this process? How do I avoid adding to her anxiety with my own? What books should I get her (she loves to read)? What movies should we watch? What else should I think about as she starts this process?
How do I help her feel supported and help her get her questions answered without being pushy? How can I be a good parent to a kid starting this process? How do I avoid adding to her anxiety with my own?
I think the big question there is the last one. It sounds like you're doing everything right but you're having your own private freak-out. I think you should talk to someone (therapist or not doesn't matter, as long as it's someone insightful) because are a lot of things that could be triggered by this that have to do with you more than your daughter. You might miss her little kid self, and be afraid of the long pulling away, or feel old yourself and be confronting your own aging.
Those can all be positive things -- her pulling away is going to ultimately transform your relationship and while it might be rocky, someday she's going to be a cool adult you'll be friends with and it'll be deeper and different. Growing older means you're smarter, and better able to handle stuff. Including stuff like this (you're self-aware enough to ask and selfless enough to figure out how to help her --- those are good grown-up things that sometimes we're not all that great at when we're younger.)
So, I'd look to figuring out what the deeper or hidden sources of anxiety are, and talking to someone so you get to say them out loud and own them, and then working toward reframing the situation as a beginning instead of an ending.
And don't beat yourself up about it.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 6:17 AM on February 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
I think the big question there is the last one. It sounds like you're doing everything right but you're having your own private freak-out. I think you should talk to someone (therapist or not doesn't matter, as long as it's someone insightful) because are a lot of things that could be triggered by this that have to do with you more than your daughter. You might miss her little kid self, and be afraid of the long pulling away, or feel old yourself and be confronting your own aging.
Those can all be positive things -- her pulling away is going to ultimately transform your relationship and while it might be rocky, someday she's going to be a cool adult you'll be friends with and it'll be deeper and different. Growing older means you're smarter, and better able to handle stuff. Including stuff like this (you're self-aware enough to ask and selfless enough to figure out how to help her --- those are good grown-up things that sometimes we're not all that great at when we're younger.)
So, I'd look to figuring out what the deeper or hidden sources of anxiety are, and talking to someone so you get to say them out loud and own them, and then working toward reframing the situation as a beginning instead of an ending.
And don't beat yourself up about it.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 6:17 AM on February 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
I found the American Girl books about puberty, etc. to be really helpful to my nearly 12-year-old daughter.
posted by cooker girl at 6:17 AM on February 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by cooker girl at 6:17 AM on February 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
I would just not worry about it at all until those classes. Planned Parenthood are the experts at this, not us on MeFi.
But, of course, you likely will worry about this until those classes, and so it's a really great thing that you came here for commiseration with other parents who have no doubt been through this phase with their own children. Those parents certainly can offer you comfort, perspective and anecdotal evidence of what worked for them and their children, and reassure you that your feelings, and not just those of your child are normal, and ok.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 6:21 AM on February 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
But, of course, you likely will worry about this until those classes, and so it's a really great thing that you came here for commiseration with other parents who have no doubt been through this phase with their own children. Those parents certainly can offer you comfort, perspective and anecdotal evidence of what worked for them and their children, and reassure you that your feelings, and not just those of your child are normal, and ok.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 6:21 AM on February 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
I think it's great that you've put some forethought into this, but as a girl who hit puberty early (by which I mean I was still a kid and didn't want that teenage stuff yet), the thing that helped me the most was my mom helping me accommodate all this new stuff and still stay a kid. That meant shopping for bras that were not frilly or lacy, mostly sports bras so they felt like another undershirt, talking to the school nurse to let me use her bathroom when I got my period, giving me progressively more say in things that affected me.
Book-wise, I really loved "Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret" at that age. It helped me understand that we all sort of do things on different schedules and we can still keep our friends. About books in general, I'd suggest just adding them to your bookshelf as you acquire them, and explain to your daughter that you're getting them for her to read when she wants. If she's interested, she'll pick them up in time if she's already a reader.
Just, you know, don't push her into anything. If she still wants to be a kid but is frustrated that her body isn't cooperating, that's the thing you should help her with. She'll have plenty of time to be a teenager and a woman.
posted by juniperesque at 6:22 AM on February 16, 2012 [9 favorites]
Book-wise, I really loved "Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret" at that age. It helped me understand that we all sort of do things on different schedules and we can still keep our friends. About books in general, I'd suggest just adding them to your bookshelf as you acquire them, and explain to your daughter that you're getting them for her to read when she wants. If she's interested, she'll pick them up in time if she's already a reader.
Just, you know, don't push her into anything. If she still wants to be a kid but is frustrated that her body isn't cooperating, that's the thing you should help her with. She'll have plenty of time to be a teenager and a woman.
posted by juniperesque at 6:22 AM on February 16, 2012 [9 favorites]
I think it's interesting that she says she is too young for this - is it that she thinks she's too young to be developing, or too young to be...growing up, or something else? Is it maybe because she is one of the first people in her peer group to be developing?
I can remember when I was that age, some of the people in my family were particularly sad that I was growing up, because I was the baby of the family. And now that I have a daughter I TOTALLY get that. But at the time, it made me anxious and sad because I want to please people, and there was nothing I could do to stop puberty, obviously. So instead I acted like it wasn't happening, or like I was unhappy it was happening, and acted out it ways that were sort of regressive - wanting to spend MORE time with my mom, for example.
Which is all to say: it's good that you're thinking about it; try to be careful with the words you choose when speaking to her; and be both excited for her and understanding of her anxiousness. I think you do all that by doing exactly what you're doing. Hang in there.
posted by dpx.mfx at 6:33 AM on February 16, 2012 [5 favorites]
I can remember when I was that age, some of the people in my family were particularly sad that I was growing up, because I was the baby of the family. And now that I have a daughter I TOTALLY get that. But at the time, it made me anxious and sad because I want to please people, and there was nothing I could do to stop puberty, obviously. So instead I acted like it wasn't happening, or like I was unhappy it was happening, and acted out it ways that were sort of regressive - wanting to spend MORE time with my mom, for example.
Which is all to say: it's good that you're thinking about it; try to be careful with the words you choose when speaking to her; and be both excited for her and understanding of her anxiousness. I think you do all that by doing exactly what you're doing. Hang in there.
posted by dpx.mfx at 6:33 AM on February 16, 2012 [5 favorites]
Ok. So. I'm going to suggest more "mother daughter" stuff, instead of specifically puberty stuff. You're asking how to have these conversations, so I think a good place to start is Deborah Tannen's "You're going to Wear That?" Which focuses on the ways mothers and daughters communicate. This might help you recognize the great foundation you have (based on your question, you sound like an awesome mom!), and how to build it stronger.
Then move on to "My Mother, Myself," by Nancy Friday. I suggest these two because you're worried about your worry rubbing off on your daughter.
posted by bilabial at 6:43 AM on February 16, 2012 [3 favorites]
Then move on to "My Mother, Myself," by Nancy Friday. I suggest these two because you're worried about your worry rubbing off on your daughter.
posted by bilabial at 6:43 AM on February 16, 2012 [3 favorites]
I think you're doing really great. My experience was more like
Me: "What's a period?"
Mom: "Ask your sister."
Bravo to you.
posted by Occula at 6:54 AM on February 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
Me: "What's a period?"
Mom: "Ask your sister."
Bravo to you.
posted by Occula at 6:54 AM on February 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
I'm just going to go ahead and dissent from others' praise of the joint Planned Parenthood class.
I'd say by all means go to the class by yourself, to get the information and gather a sense of how the experts address this stage. But if your daughter's (a) only in the very earliest stages of puberty, (b) getting there way ahead of her friends, and (c) a little freaked out anyway about having to make this change all of a sudden, I wonder whether sitting in a class all about the changes of puberty, possibly with much older girls, possibly learning the ins and outs of stages she won't even deal with for years to come, could end up being a really jolting, overwhelming, inorganic way to experience the transition-- sort of like, "Puberty! Here it is! Now you're In Puberty!," instead of, as Juniperesque says, a gentler approach that stresses that she's still the same person, only with this body change that is perfectly natural, and she can keep being the same person for as long as she wants, until she feels like changing.
She's going to have to deal with so many pre-written scripts for sexual womanhood already, that I question the wisdom of imposing any sort of external grand narrative of puberty at this point (which the PP class will inevitably end up doing just by covering all the scary bases, even if it's a relatively low-key everyone's-different-ymmv narrative). Why not educate yourself, then address things stage by stage according to your daughter's particular needs?
posted by Bardolph at 6:57 AM on February 16, 2012 [6 favorites]
I'd say by all means go to the class by yourself, to get the information and gather a sense of how the experts address this stage. But if your daughter's (a) only in the very earliest stages of puberty, (b) getting there way ahead of her friends, and (c) a little freaked out anyway about having to make this change all of a sudden, I wonder whether sitting in a class all about the changes of puberty, possibly with much older girls, possibly learning the ins and outs of stages she won't even deal with for years to come, could end up being a really jolting, overwhelming, inorganic way to experience the transition-- sort of like, "Puberty! Here it is! Now you're In Puberty!," instead of, as Juniperesque says, a gentler approach that stresses that she's still the same person, only with this body change that is perfectly natural, and she can keep being the same person for as long as she wants, until she feels like changing.
She's going to have to deal with so many pre-written scripts for sexual womanhood already, that I question the wisdom of imposing any sort of external grand narrative of puberty at this point (which the PP class will inevitably end up doing just by covering all the scary bases, even if it's a relatively low-key everyone's-different-ymmv narrative). Why not educate yourself, then address things stage by stage according to your daughter's particular needs?
posted by Bardolph at 6:57 AM on February 16, 2012 [6 favorites]
I'm just going tp pipe in about the teenager-grouch-toward-mom thing.
It's funny thinking about it from the other side. I'm so grateful for my mother's attitude when I was being a teenage brat. It made our relationship now possible. She would say "you are being a jerk, so you have to (go to room, stay home, whatever) but it's cool. I'll wait for you on the otherside of this bad mood."
So don't worry. If things get a little hairy, you can just wait for her on the otherside.
posted by Blisterlips at 7:03 AM on February 16, 2012 [30 favorites]
It's funny thinking about it from the other side. I'm so grateful for my mother's attitude when I was being a teenage brat. It made our relationship now possible. She would say "you are being a jerk, so you have to (go to room, stay home, whatever) but it's cool. I'll wait for you on the otherside of this bad mood."
So don't worry. If things get a little hairy, you can just wait for her on the otherside.
posted by Blisterlips at 7:03 AM on February 16, 2012 [30 favorites]
Something else to consider in the education process is helping your daughter deal with the boys in her life who may also be freaked out by her going through puberty. A good friend of mine got her generous chest in the 5th grade and had a really hard time dealing with the boys who ranged from outright staring to being rude.
I'm not saying that the boys need to be educated by her, but more that she definitely might need support in successfully dealing with their probably immature response to her.
posted by Leezie at 7:15 AM on February 16, 2012 [4 favorites]
I'm not saying that the boys need to be educated by her, but more that she definitely might need support in successfully dealing with their probably immature response to her.
posted by Leezie at 7:15 AM on February 16, 2012 [4 favorites]
I think you're doing a great job, really. I teach sex ed classes to your daughter's age group, and speaking from that perspective, you got her a great book, and you've got a great attitude. We try to help parents cultivate the trait of "askability" - you're unphased by questions, approachable, but you don't push info on them. Wait for the kid to ask, but make it clear that they are old enough and have a right to quality answers to all of their questions. It sounds like you're doing just that. Yay, you!
posted by richyoung at 7:26 AM on February 16, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by richyoung at 7:26 AM on February 16, 2012 [3 favorites]
I think you should probably just relax and back off a bit.
posted by Segundus at 7:28 AM on February 16, 2012 [6 favorites]
posted by Segundus at 7:28 AM on February 16, 2012 [6 favorites]
Maybe it's a fear that she won't like me anymore?
She won't, at least sometimes. That's normal for teenagers. Your goal isn't to have her like you per se, but to make sure she's safe, educated and has good information to make her own choices. Do that and at some point in her late teens or early 20s, she'll think you were incredibly smart and savoy. In short, think long term. The upcoming battles are relatively short, your goal should be to start letting go of the parental reins, bit by bit, while making it clear that you are there for her and love her as only a parent can.
Do you have a sister or close female friend, preferably several? It's good for kids to have adults outside of their parents to talk to and confide in.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:37 AM on February 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
She won't, at least sometimes. That's normal for teenagers. Your goal isn't to have her like you per se, but to make sure she's safe, educated and has good information to make her own choices. Do that and at some point in her late teens or early 20s, she'll think you were incredibly smart and savoy. In short, think long term. The upcoming battles are relatively short, your goal should be to start letting go of the parental reins, bit by bit, while making it clear that you are there for her and love her as only a parent can.
Do you have a sister or close female friend, preferably several? It's good for kids to have adults outside of their parents to talk to and confide in.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:37 AM on February 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
I just wanted to pop in to tell you that I never really argued with my parents during my teenage years. There were very occasional disagreements, but we never yelled at each other - really - and I never hated my parents or thought they were uncool or embarrassing. Actually I thought they were great parents and was pretty proud to be in my family. Don't go in to this 100% certain you'll have a tumultuous relationship with your daughter throughout her adolescence.
The hardest part of my own adolesence was feeling confused about what was the "right thing to do" in situations I'd never encountered before, either in my own life, or in my parents' lives. When I was teased at school, or when a boy kept trying to ask me out but I didn't like him, or when a friend of mine suddenly decided she hated me... I didn't know what to do and I felt totally stuck. I didn't know what the graceful, kind, or mature thing to do was. Of course every teenager will muddle through and find her own way. But it would have been really helpful for me to talk to my parents about how to deal with these sorts of things with grace. It's not that they refused to help me. I think they actually respected my privacy so much they just never asked me about these kinds of situations. I didn't want to admit or divulge that I was in situations I found embarrassing and confusing so we just never talked about it. It would have been helpful for them to share stories of ways they dealt with awkward teenage issues, or very gently inject some ideas about how to handle social problems.
For me the issue wasn't that I didn't realize I should be kind, self-caring, and so on, it was that in these new and difficult circumstances I didn't know what that looked like. It lead to things like me becoming the sole support for a suicidally depressed classmate who had sworn me to secrecy, not being able to tell somebody I didn't like that I didn't like him because it seemed mean and thereby leading him on, etc.
posted by Cygnet at 8:14 AM on February 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
The hardest part of my own adolesence was feeling confused about what was the "right thing to do" in situations I'd never encountered before, either in my own life, or in my parents' lives. When I was teased at school, or when a boy kept trying to ask me out but I didn't like him, or when a friend of mine suddenly decided she hated me... I didn't know what to do and I felt totally stuck. I didn't know what the graceful, kind, or mature thing to do was. Of course every teenager will muddle through and find her own way. But it would have been really helpful for me to talk to my parents about how to deal with these sorts of things with grace. It's not that they refused to help me. I think they actually respected my privacy so much they just never asked me about these kinds of situations. I didn't want to admit or divulge that I was in situations I found embarrassing and confusing so we just never talked about it. It would have been helpful for them to share stories of ways they dealt with awkward teenage issues, or very gently inject some ideas about how to handle social problems.
For me the issue wasn't that I didn't realize I should be kind, self-caring, and so on, it was that in these new and difficult circumstances I didn't know what that looked like. It lead to things like me becoming the sole support for a suicidally depressed classmate who had sworn me to secrecy, not being able to tell somebody I didn't like that I didn't like him because it seemed mean and thereby leading him on, etc.
posted by Cygnet at 8:14 AM on February 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
In addition to your other sources I recommend Christiane Northrup's Mother-Daughter Wisdom: Understanding the Crucial Link Between Mothers, Daughters, and Health, as well as her other books on women's health.
posted by JXBeach at 8:25 AM on February 16, 2012
posted by JXBeach at 8:25 AM on February 16, 2012
I've explained she's at the very beginning of a long process and it won't happen fast.
You said you told your daughter this, but have you really understood it yourself? Your question seems full of anticipatory anxiety about things that are probably only going to happen many years in the future — you don't have to (and can't) resolve all of this overnight. For now, you sound like you've started things on a good footing, so relaxing and backing off a bit is probably advisable. Since you said your daughter is a reader, maybe just stock up on good books on these issues (I'd add a recommendation for Changing Bodies, Changing Lives) and leave them somewhere accessible without making a big deal out of giving them to her?
posted by RogerB at 8:54 AM on February 16, 2012
You said you told your daughter this, but have you really understood it yourself? Your question seems full of anticipatory anxiety about things that are probably only going to happen many years in the future — you don't have to (and can't) resolve all of this overnight. For now, you sound like you've started things on a good footing, so relaxing and backing off a bit is probably advisable. Since you said your daughter is a reader, maybe just stock up on good books on these issues (I'd add a recommendation for Changing Bodies, Changing Lives) and leave them somewhere accessible without making a big deal out of giving them to her?
posted by RogerB at 8:54 AM on February 16, 2012
I'm going to hope that books on puberty are better now than they were in the '80s, but in case they're not, one thing that your daughter might be worried about is the idea that puberty transforms you into an entirely different being. (Or at least, that's the way it came across to me as a kid.) It freaked me out that I was supposedly going to stop being myself and become someone who was obsessed with makeup and babies and weddings. (That damn Disney film we had to watch included a bit about "the most glorious day of your life.") In my nine-year-old brain, I had this idea that this whole dramatic "ennnnnd of childhoooood" business meant that now I couldn't do all the things that mattered to me, because I was supposed to be a "young woman." So maybe it would help if you mention to her something about the idea that she will still be herself, it's just that her body is developing the ability to do something it wasn't able to do before.
And it might help if you point out to her that she doesn't have to have babies if she doesn't want to. A lot of the mechanics of reproduction seem gross and scary to kids, but I will attest to the fact that chuckling and saying "Oh, you'll want to someday!" doesn't do much to allay these fears.
posted by corey flood at 9:09 AM on February 16, 2012 [6 favorites]
And it might help if you point out to her that she doesn't have to have babies if she doesn't want to. A lot of the mechanics of reproduction seem gross and scary to kids, but I will attest to the fact that chuckling and saying "Oh, you'll want to someday!" doesn't do much to allay these fears.
posted by corey flood at 9:09 AM on February 16, 2012 [6 favorites]
Oh. Also? Role modeling. Let her see you asking questions, standing up for yourself and her, choosing bras and menstrual products like it's no big deal*, speaking out about body autonomy in mundane situations. Reinforce that you love and respect her even when she breaks rules, doesn't meet expectations, is confused. Let her know now that she can wlways call on you for help, and if you don't know the answer you will find it. (be prepared for this to make you the mom getting the info that one of your daughters friends needs an abortion in 5 or 10 years. You'll be able to handle it.)et her know that making one or more bad choices doesn't take away her abiliy or right to change her mind or be treated with respect.
If you have participated in or tolerated slut shaming near (or not near) your daughter, please stop now. Having breasts is the place where slut shaming started in my elementary school. You don't have to explicitly discuss that behavior, but you can model that it's not ok.
*I always had to choose my own - no guidance from an absent mother. My friends had no advice.
posted by bilabial at 9:19 AM on February 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
If you have participated in or tolerated slut shaming near (or not near) your daughter, please stop now. Having breasts is the place where slut shaming started in my elementary school. You don't have to explicitly discuss that behavior, but you can model that it's not ok.
*I always had to choose my own - no guidance from an absent mother. My friends had no advice.
posted by bilabial at 9:19 AM on February 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
Listen. Just listen. I have a 14 year old daughter and I think many times she just wants to talk things out and have someone who will listen. Not interrupt. Not give advice. Not get judgemental. There are so many changes and things going on during puberty that she just wants to get off of her chest. It is hard to stay quiet sometimes when I want to help her feel better, or fix things but it isn't what she wants or isn't ready to hear it from me. So I try to wait until she asks and try to just listen. This can be anything from mean girls, to periods, to why don't I have any boobs, to boys, to teachers who can't relate to teens etc.
posted by maxg94 at 10:34 AM on February 16, 2012 [6 favorites]
posted by maxg94 at 10:34 AM on February 16, 2012 [6 favorites]
corey flood: In my nine-year-old brain, I had this idea that this whole dramatic "ennnnnd of childhoooood" business meant that now I couldn't do all the things that mattered to me, because I was supposed to be a "young woman."
Oh my god, this is so true. Anonymous, I've got a 16-year-old daughter who started puberty a little early too. One of the things she recently told me about those early puberty years was that she appreciated that I still treated her like a little kid sometimes. I didn't tease her about occasional thumb-sucking, or carrying around her blankie, or playing with toys, or watching cartoons - you know, the "little kid" things 9 and 10-year-olds might do - even though she was starting to wear a bra and grow hair in weird places and etc. I remember those days as being very strange - one minute she was watching SpongeBob with her stuffed tiger, and the next minute she was putting on more makeup than I wore. And either way, I tried to keep my mouth shut and let her experiment with these identities on her own schedule (very hard, but so worth it in the end).
I remember being MOR-TI-FIED by my dad noticing the hair on my legs and making some sort of comment about me growing up to be a lady, and that I would have to give up playing baseball. First, that MY DAD would comment on my leg hair, and second, give up baseball, what?!?!?! That made me very very sad.
posted by SuperSquirrel at 11:06 AM on February 16, 2012 [6 favorites]
Oh my god, this is so true. Anonymous, I've got a 16-year-old daughter who started puberty a little early too. One of the things she recently told me about those early puberty years was that she appreciated that I still treated her like a little kid sometimes. I didn't tease her about occasional thumb-sucking, or carrying around her blankie, or playing with toys, or watching cartoons - you know, the "little kid" things 9 and 10-year-olds might do - even though she was starting to wear a bra and grow hair in weird places and etc. I remember those days as being very strange - one minute she was watching SpongeBob with her stuffed tiger, and the next minute she was putting on more makeup than I wore. And either way, I tried to keep my mouth shut and let her experiment with these identities on her own schedule (very hard, but so worth it in the end).
I remember being MOR-TI-FIED by my dad noticing the hair on my legs and making some sort of comment about me growing up to be a lady, and that I would have to give up playing baseball. First, that MY DAD would comment on my leg hair, and second, give up baseball, what?!?!?! That made me very very sad.
posted by SuperSquirrel at 11:06 AM on February 16, 2012 [6 favorites]
I highly recommend you read Reviving Ophelia. I read it in my early twenties and wished desperately my mother had read it; I'm sure it would have helped her support me during my adolescence.
posted by Specklet at 11:18 AM on February 16, 2012
posted by Specklet at 11:18 AM on February 16, 2012
I would like to add what about the the father's attitude toward his daughter starting puberty? I ask this because when I started my dad stopped all physical contact. No hugging, no arm around my shoulder, etc. It really upset me and it wasn't until I was an adult until I made him tell me why. The reason why? It was how he was raised. Some kind if weird "Oh you are getting boobs and hair and now I can't touch you because someone might think it is sexual."
posted by govtdrone at 11:48 AM on February 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by govtdrone at 11:48 AM on February 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
She says she's too young.
I would ask her if she wanted to say more about what she meant by this. There are a lot of possible answers.
corey flood, I would favorite your comment a million times if I could. That is so incredibly resonant to my own experience.
The thing I wish my mum had told me about this was that so much of the conventional wisdom about puberty is TOTAL AND COMPLETE BULLSHIT and that people would say nonsense garbage to me about being "a lady" and shit like that, and that I should just ignore them if not actually tell them to fuck right off.
Obviously, you will probably choose less stevedorean language in which to discuss this with your daughter, but I think it's really important to get that reality check from a parent.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:59 AM on February 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
I would ask her if she wanted to say more about what she meant by this. There are a lot of possible answers.
corey flood, I would favorite your comment a million times if I could. That is so incredibly resonant to my own experience.
The thing I wish my mum had told me about this was that so much of the conventional wisdom about puberty is TOTAL AND COMPLETE BULLSHIT and that people would say nonsense garbage to me about being "a lady" and shit like that, and that I should just ignore them if not actually tell them to fuck right off.
Obviously, you will probably choose less stevedorean language in which to discuss this with your daughter, but I think it's really important to get that reality check from a parent.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:59 AM on February 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
I'm not a girly-girl either, but both of my daughters really get into the hair, makeup, nails, and clothes--boy, do they love their clothes! They know how to do the girly-girl thing because I encouraged them to explore all of the experiences of being female. They got grubby with horses, as I do, they played sports, and they experimented with the girly-girl things with their friends. I encouraged them to read about fashion and makeup. One of the best things my youngest ever said to me was that she knew she had choices, and she knew that she could be strong and assertive. Saying 'WHOA" to a 1200 pound horse empowered her in many ways. Neither one of them like using tools as much as I do, but they both know which end of a hammer to hold on to, and they both say they're disgusted with 'helpless' women who can't even hang a picture for fear of breaking a nail.
My two girls were different in every way. The oldest was very easy to get along with, compliant, didn't date till 18, was quiet and not too outgoing. The youngest was a real PITA--constantly testing boundaries, fought with mom, dad, siblings, friends, dated early, drove fast and wrecked three times, smoked pot, ran away, etc. But we all survived and are close. I can't see that my parenting style was different in their early puberty, but who knows. The oldest daughter was my first, the youngest was my fourth.
Your question has me curious. Some day I'll have to ask some in-depth questions to my two grown daughters about their puberty. Both of them have casually mentioned that in retrospect they had it good compared to many of their friends.
posted by BlueHorse at 4:24 PM on February 16, 2012
My two girls were different in every way. The oldest was very easy to get along with, compliant, didn't date till 18, was quiet and not too outgoing. The youngest was a real PITA--constantly testing boundaries, fought with mom, dad, siblings, friends, dated early, drove fast and wrecked three times, smoked pot, ran away, etc. But we all survived and are close. I can't see that my parenting style was different in their early puberty, but who knows. The oldest daughter was my first, the youngest was my fourth.
Your question has me curious. Some day I'll have to ask some in-depth questions to my two grown daughters about their puberty. Both of them have casually mentioned that in retrospect they had it good compared to many of their friends.
posted by BlueHorse at 4:24 PM on February 16, 2012
Nthing the reassurance that she's not going to turn into a completely different creature, and that she'll still be allowed to like the things she likes.
I think it's incredibly helpful to acknowledge to her that kids are weird about puberty, sure, but it's adults in particular who are often super-weird about it, and help her understand that their comments are more about themselves than her. There's NOTHING wrong with her, they're being rude. Even if they're well-meaning. Empower her to come up with appropriate responses to people who give her crap like warnings to act like a lady, or soooo sad that she's growing up too fast, or har har time for dad to get the shotgun, or make a big embarrassing deal about menstrual products or bras or her body.
posted by desuetude at 5:08 PM on February 16, 2012
I think it's incredibly helpful to acknowledge to her that kids are weird about puberty, sure, but it's adults in particular who are often super-weird about it, and help her understand that their comments are more about themselves than her. There's NOTHING wrong with her, they're being rude. Even if they're well-meaning. Empower her to come up with appropriate responses to people who give her crap like warnings to act like a lady, or soooo sad that she's growing up too fast, or har har time for dad to get the shotgun, or make a big embarrassing deal about menstrual products or bras or her body.
posted by desuetude at 5:08 PM on February 16, 2012
If she seems extremely distressed by the physical changes, I would implore you to ask her about it very carefully in a non-pressuring way. Puberty can be extremely traumatizing for kids who are uncomfortable with their bodies and it is possible that your daughter may undergo some kind of dysphoria with regards to the physical changes (even if she is rather gender normative otherwise). As someone who pretty much flipped their shit over puberty, I'd ask you to please listen to your child and not brush off her concerns as "normal" before talking to her in depth about it.
That said, it sounds like you've got a good handle on things. I would veto the PP classes as well unless SHE is the one who wants to attend them. This very much has to be something that SHE leads and you just answer her questions, provide her with information in a non-judgement setting and support her.
posted by buteo at 8:32 PM on February 16, 2012
That said, it sounds like you've got a good handle on things. I would veto the PP classes as well unless SHE is the one who wants to attend them. This very much has to be something that SHE leads and you just answer her questions, provide her with information in a non-judgement setting and support her.
posted by buteo at 8:32 PM on February 16, 2012
I don't have advice but offer support. I remember my fairly early start of puberty and, aside from the strangeness and occasionally sensitive or painful parts, I felt very embarrassed and ashamed. In sixth grade I felt betrayed by my body and handicapped in that I had competed through school with a boy who was my rival for every honor and award; sometimes he won, sometimes I did and one day he sent an emissary to ask if I would meed with rival boy because he wanted to ask me something. I was imagining joining strategies to run the sixth grade student governing body while avoiding a competitive battle, as if he finally recognized I was just as smart as he was. When the go between finally gave in to my grilling and confessed what rival boy wanted, my life was shattered into a thousand pieces--he wanted to touch my breasts. I was humiliated and my very personhood and all my good grades and votes for honors were wiped out in a moment. To that boy I was of interest just for those those budding breasts that I was so shy and painfully uncomfortable about. I ran home crying all the way and there was no one to tell in my house of brothers with an overburdened mother.
In seventh grade, I started my period at school and the girls laughed at my stained skirt. My English teacher sent me to her house across the road where she had telephoned ahead and had her maid help me with my clothes and equip me with all I needed but also gave instruction that I was to stay for tea and cookies which were served on a silver tray in my teacher's beautiful living room. This disaster was made into a milestone and I remember the kindness more than the cruel laughs.
The next year, a different teacher called me away from my lunch time job at cafeteria check out and told me to go at once and take the falsies out of my sweater and not to return to the register until I looked respectable. I cried some more because I had to tell her I wasn't wearing falsies, just a bra my mother had finally bought me and a sweater I had gotten for Christmas. In my mother's defense, she was a loving and wonderful woman who had herself grown up without a mother and her life was dominated by someone who made sure she never coddled me. In later years I understood about all of that, but even then, it would have been nice to have had a book or even the feeling that I could ask a question.
I think you are a wonderful mom. How could your daughter possibly not love you! Help her shop and learn about grooming and just reach for her hand sometimes, or give her some praise she well deserves. Women need other women and they especially need their mother--I think we are never really alone until we lose our mother (and I know some people lose their mothers to tragedies other than death.) Sorry to be so maudlin tonight. Just be there for her and smile at your wonderful daughter.
posted by Anitanola at 10:14 PM on February 16, 2012 [3 favorites]
In seventh grade, I started my period at school and the girls laughed at my stained skirt. My English teacher sent me to her house across the road where she had telephoned ahead and had her maid help me with my clothes and equip me with all I needed but also gave instruction that I was to stay for tea and cookies which were served on a silver tray in my teacher's beautiful living room. This disaster was made into a milestone and I remember the kindness more than the cruel laughs.
The next year, a different teacher called me away from my lunch time job at cafeteria check out and told me to go at once and take the falsies out of my sweater and not to return to the register until I looked respectable. I cried some more because I had to tell her I wasn't wearing falsies, just a bra my mother had finally bought me and a sweater I had gotten for Christmas. In my mother's defense, she was a loving and wonderful woman who had herself grown up without a mother and her life was dominated by someone who made sure she never coddled me. In later years I understood about all of that, but even then, it would have been nice to have had a book or even the feeling that I could ask a question.
I think you are a wonderful mom. How could your daughter possibly not love you! Help her shop and learn about grooming and just reach for her hand sometimes, or give her some praise she well deserves. Women need other women and they especially need their mother--I think we are never really alone until we lose our mother (and I know some people lose their mothers to tragedies other than death.) Sorry to be so maudlin tonight. Just be there for her and smile at your wonderful daughter.
posted by Anitanola at 10:14 PM on February 16, 2012 [3 favorites]
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Also, don't worry about not being a girly-girl. My mom rarely wore makeup, and never wore anything that could be considered sexy. She was/is a beautiful woman, but she's just not into that sort of thing. Honestly, I found it really comforting and refreshing. She never judged me for my experimentation with makeup and sexy clothes, and now as an adult, I'm very comfortable with my body and the image I project to the world.
I would say that with the PP class, you want her to understand exactly how a woman gets pregnant, have a comfortable familiarity with feminine hygiene products, and have resources (probably PP materials) where she can find answers to her questions.
Also... if she ever wants to shave her legs, I suggest doing it for/with her the first few times. I remember getting some heinous slashes around my ankles.
posted by tk at 6:02 AM on February 16, 2012 [1 favorite]