LDR Coping Strategies
February 7, 2012 2:00 PM   Subscribe

My SO would like advice on how he can overcome some of the frustration and sadness he feels about the LDR he and I are in when he misses me.

My SO is having a really hard time with the distance that's going to be between us until about July which is when I'll finally be able to move back to where he lives currently (d=130 mi). He's asked me to ask the people of the Green to share how they deal with the sadness and frustration that comes with being in a LDR. I have my own way of dealing with the sad parts and that way isn't a good fit for him (I'm naturally predisposed to rationalizing stuff out and just making it work). He's looking for ways to overcome, as he puts it, the "knee-jerk immature sulk" that comes on when he realizes he misses me a lot. I deal with it by sending him a message on the phone or a funny card in the mail, but he gets in a rut and he hates it, and we've agreed that we want to work together to find some different ways he can cope with that feeling of "she's not here now, this sucks".

When regular rationalizing and making time to see one another isn't working, what are some other things he can do to push past those sad feelings? Any suggestions will be seriously considered and greatly appreciated.
posted by iLoveTheRain to Human Relations (13 answers total) 10 users marked this as a favorite
 
If he just misses you being around, could you do something like video chat via Skype or some other video chat software where he can chat with you and see you and hear your voice? Maybe even leave it running in the background while you bustle around the house or do whatever so it's a way you're "there"?
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 2:11 PM on February 7, 2012 [2 favorites]


130 miles is a short drive. Why dont you see each other more often?
posted by twblalock at 2:19 PM on February 7, 2012 [1 favorite]


Do a date night each week via Skype. Watch the same movie, eat the same food, be together even though you're not physically together.

And make sure you see each other as often as possible. 130 miles is pretty close, and I'd imagine that with some saving and careful planning you could see each other at least once or twice before July comes around.
posted by k8lin at 2:31 PM on February 7, 2012


Response by poster: The drive is profoundly draining for both of us and expensive for me right now, so we have to be very economical about when we see each other in person.
posted by iLoveTheRain at 2:31 PM on February 7, 2012


I like Ghostride's advice. I think investing some money in nice well placed video cams and leaving them running can go a long distance in cultivating a 'togetherness.' It let's you enjoy the company of a person outside of direct communication.
posted by jjmoney at 2:31 PM on February 7, 2012


I don't have much to add, but the Loving From a Distance site might help. There's a great online community there, and lots of ideas for making LDR's work. When I was in long distance relationship, my former SO and I would musically collaborate over skype. Is there any creative activities that you both have in common?
posted by oxfordcomma at 2:35 PM on February 7, 2012 [1 favorite]


Skype date-nights are a good idea, but I found a lot of help in taking it another step further. On a specific day you both plan to do something you like--individually and by yourself. It can be the same thing or a separate thing, but something slightly out of the ordinary for you. A trip to a museum, or an event. A dinner at a nice restaurant. Then you get together via Skype, or just on the phone and share your stories. I found it reassuring to do the event specifically so I could share later with my GF. While doing the thing I was constantly thinking about the Skype meeting and what I would tell her, how I could make her feel like she was there instead of moping about how she wasn't there. The important part was to make an appointment for the event and the date for talking about it after. You can even break it up and send each other on assignments. Have them go do/see something you can't, have them be your proxy.
posted by Ookseer at 4:49 PM on February 7, 2012 [3 favorites]


When my husband and I were long distance before we got married, we would do little things like take walks as we talked on the phone at night and tell each other what we were seeing on our walks. It helped us each get a sense of what the other was experiencing. We also watched movies "together" by picking out the same movie on Netflix or renting a movie, then watching it individually while we were on the phone with each other. Once or twice we picked out a book and both read it and then discussed it over the phone.
posted by McPuppington the Third at 5:17 PM on February 7, 2012 [2 favorites]


My wife and I struggled through 3 years of a LDR. It was tough for me to decide to ask her to move from Raleigh to Brooklyn, where I lived, but I've never regretted it, While this may not happen in your case, we got married (30 years ago) and haven't regretted it.

If she had had the better job, I might have moved down to her. No two relationships are the same but it's normal to be uncertain before making a big commitment. Try to agree beforehand about division of expenses and responsibilities and leave youselved a way to back out if it doesn't work.
posted by KRS at 5:38 PM on February 7, 2012


If I'm understanding the question right, it sounds like you're asking not only for ways to stay close and keep the relationship itself going strong (which other posters have addressed), but also for ways he can deal with the loneliness and frustration at times when you guys can't Skype or talk on the phone.

I'm also in a long-distance relationship and won't see my guy until August. I'm not sure what you mean by "rationalizing," so this might be too close to what you do, but I changed my perspective and thought, well, I'll enjoy it and do all the things I can't or won't do when we're in the same city. So I try new things. I stay out late with friends. I take pride in being self-reliant. I spend entire weekends snowboarding. I relish my alone time. I do all the stupid things around the house I would never do if he were here. When he left at the beginning of December after a 6-week visit, my Facebook status said "Woohoo! Now I can pee with the bathroom door open and watch Taylor Swift music videos to my heart's content." Keeping busy is really important: socializing, putting energy into a hobby, especially if it's something that you wouldn't necessarily do together if you guys were in the same city. This thread has some good things to say, although it's kind of a balancing act--obviously the "flirting! hooking up! making major life decisions without consulting a partner!" parts don't apply, and if things like reading all evening or making dinner at 9pm were really more important to me than my partner then I would just be single. It's more of a "well, I can do this now, might as well take advantage!"

This thread about "sensual touch pleasures" for single people has some good ideas for comfort when you're physically missing someone.

I do think your coping strategy of sending a card or a text message when you miss him is a good one--you miss the person, you put a little effort in, you (hopefully) get something back, everyone's happy! I put a fair bit of energy into care packages--I try to send one a month.

As far as stuff to do together: We played Animal Crossing on Nintendo DS wi-fi for a while (usually while skyping). You can also do online Scrabble, and I think most SNES emulators have an online mode (maybe? it's been a while). We've been wanting to read a book together and then talk about it, but so far it hasn't happened.

Also, this may or may not apply, but just to throw it out there: I'm in Japan and my guy is in California. There were a few months in my last relationship where we were long distance San Francisco-Los Angeles, and that was HARDER. Admittedly, that was mostly because the relationship was crap and we were both really immature, but when you're on different continents and neither of you has a spare $1000 sitting around for a plane ticket, that's just that and there's no squabbling about lack of effort or whatever. Being within a couple hundred miles of each other can be tricky if one of you feels slighted by the lack of face time, so make sure you guys are on the same page and are being open and honest with each other.
posted by sunset in snow country at 6:45 PM on February 7, 2012 [2 favorites]


Oh, I wish my boyfriend were 130 miles away! Currently he's over 400. And honestly, that's something that helps me a lot in some ways...thinking about the people in relationships who have it worse than I do. While we ARE a few hundred miles apart, at least we're on the same coast, in the same time zone. If I ever find myself having trouble with how much I miss him, I remind myself of other, harder long distance relationships--different continents, military relationships--and it makes me feel a bit better and count my blessings.

I also write him letters a lot. Even if I don't send them, it really helps, because it makes me feel like I'm actually talking to him and communicating with him. Emails work, too. Maybe he could write you letters when he misses you, and then send them or give them to you when he sees you?
posted by Emms at 5:57 AM on February 8, 2012


Hopefully you both feel secure about your feelings for each other. If that is so, maybe he needs to work on saying something to himself like "I miss her, and can't wait to be with her. She misses me too. Whew. Someday we will be closer, and I know she will still love me from now until that time, even if I go do and think something that has nothing to do with her." And then: go do something constructive, fun, or relaxing, alone or with friends!

I recently read that nobody should expect to get more than 25% of their needs met by any one person, especially in a romantic relationship. Maybe that number needs to be temporarily even less for people in an LDR?
posted by simongsmith at 8:09 AM on February 8, 2012 [1 favorite]


If you both have smartphones and regular internet access, texting is really great for LDRs, especially (as for me and my SO) when timezones are an issue, because texting is not too intrusive. GroupMe is a very handy service and works across phone and web; means you can easily send photos, little thoughts, quick updates etc.
posted by Sifter at 12:47 PM on April 22, 2012


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