Grindr giving me grief

December 26, 2011 10:16 PM

Is my plan to handle a tempting but ultimately unwanted and inappropriate sexual/ romantic advance from a co-worker a good one?

Me - mid-30s, work in HR (!) for large multi-national in a regional head office. I'm single, male, career-minded somewhat.

Him - early-20s, clerical position in same company, in an open relationship with another employee of same company.

He's asked me out before (on company email) and I've always acknowledged him but politely been vague and non-committal, hoping he would get the message.

He found me on Grindr yesterday. My face is on there so he knew who I was. His wasn't - so I asked for a facepic. Before I got one several explicit pictures and messages had been sent between us. He's physically attractive and it was early in the morning, I was toey and tempted and only human so I responded.

Then he sent his facepic. He knew he had "trapped" me, so to speak, and joked about it. I'm not entirely sure he was being malicious. But he was being capricious.

I felt stupid but also could see the funny side of it, but also anxious and slightly manipulated. My concern is over the images. We're both out at work so that is not the issue at all. I 'blocked' him to clear the data (I think that works) but had to immediately 'unblock' him (and everyone else (note for non-Grindr users: thats how it works) because he piped up immediately on my cellphone asking why. Phone number is on my email auto-sig at work so he has that.

He seems genuine enough in wanting a date. I don't want to be rude or hurt his feelings. Partly because he seems like a nice enough guy, way too young for me and a co-worker, but nice enough all the same. I also happen to know his "partner" has been/is subject to disciplinary action at work. Also nice enough, but hardly a model employee. They live together and I'm worried there is an ulterior motive and so I in turn have an ulterior motive for not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings: I'm afraid I might get stung here.

My plan now is to agree to having a "a drink" (or a coffee date) and appealing to his common sense and better nature and ask to be left alone.

Will this work or should I just freeze him out?

I have a rule of not dating co-workers at all. I don't "Screw the Crew". When I stumble upon someone from work I recognize on Grindr I block them straight away, just because I like to keep those things separate. And it's the last time I chat on Grindr unless I can get a look at someone's actual face first and foremost. Any Mefite Grindr users share any ideas here? Please me mail me if you prefer.

And if you are not male or gay or a Grindr-er, feel free to chime in. I welcome advice from the Green.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (24 answers total)

It doesn't sound like meeting him for a drink would help at all.....I think just freezing him out would be better - just say what you said here - you don't go out with coworkers.
posted by Lt. Bunny Wigglesworth at 10:22 PM on December 26, 2011 [5 favorites]

Going out with him seems pointless and a little in bad taste. Both he and his boyfriend work at your company...so unless you're a gay man who likes drama AT WORK pass on this one. He's a grownup and can take being told no. Be nice but firm and don't go overboard on explaining, no I'm sorry but I don't date coworkers. Thanks for asking me out though. Buh bye. Don't have this discussion on company email (you know this being in HR but it bears repeating).
posted by shoesietart at 10:28 PM on December 26, 2011 [5 favorites]

yeah, skip the drink. this guy is of the "give an inch, he'll take a mile" variety.
posted by dovesandstones at 10:31 PM on December 26, 2011 [19 favorites]

Just keep restating that you don't date coworkers.

Also, while it might be a little pessimistic of me to say, considering the work situation AND his "tricking" you into desiring him enough to be tempted despite your initial refusal, I would start documenting everything beginning now.
Combining work and sex only seems to invoke images of blackmail and/or sexual harassment first with a romantic and sexy evening a distant second.
posted by DisreputableDog at 10:33 PM on December 26, 2011 [14 favorites]

Best answer: also, he's twanged my "creep" antennae, if that helps make the advance less tempting for you.
posted by dovesandstones at 10:34 PM on December 26, 2011 [17 favorites]

Yikes, why do you need to go on a non-date "drink" to tell him this? That seems a little dangerous, if you don't want any hint of unprofessionalism on your record. Tell him next time you see him at work that your personal rule is that you never date coworkers, full stop. He's an adult, he can handle this. Explain why you block work contacts, and then block him again.

If he doesn't take the hint, report him. You work in HR, you know how to do this. It may help to have a neutral party at work, someone who won't be judgmental of the situation (and who won't get you in trouble) involved from this point onwards. That way, in case he does start causing drama at work, you have someone on your side, who knows the entire story from start to finish.

Also save all email correspondence between the two of you. (Sorry if this sounds paranoid, but you gotta protect yourself. Especially if you have a bad feeling about this already.)
posted by lockstitch at 10:34 PM on December 26, 2011 [7 favorites]

Yeah don't for a drink with this guy, he's not cool and there is too much potential for drama. Just tell him that you are not interested in dating a coworker at all, period, and that he needs to back off.
posted by fshgrl at 10:36 PM on December 26, 2011 [3 favorites]

Do not, not, not go out for a drink, coffee, anything one on one with him. There is no possible upside to it, and the very possible major downside of muddying the waters as to what was going on between the two of you should it come up. This could go so wrong so many ways... the partner could get jealous and make accusations; the co-worker could get annoyed / spurned and make accusations... I have personally seen a spurned person who had been making unwanted sexual advances to a co-worker, turn around and sue their place of work for a fictional harassment scenario that was the exact opposite of what actually happened. Be direct ("I don't date co-workers"); be clear; be professional; keep your distance.
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:41 PM on December 26, 2011 [7 favorites]

Nthing the don't-go-out-with-him response. I know you think it's the polite thing to do, but in reality it's sending mixed messages. Going out with him to tell him you're not going out with him is not clear. Your past behavior of politely been vague and non-committal, hoping he would get the message is also not clear. Stop being vague and non-commital and in effect stringing him along, and shut it down.

Before you freeze him out, tell him once, clearly, that you are not interested and will not ever be interested even apart from your unbreakable rule that you do not date where you work. Then do not continue to engage or respond to any non-professional communications.

I know Mefi seems in love with recommending The Gift of Fear, but if you haven't read it, it goes over how your type of behavior is ineffective and how to interpret his type of behavior.
posted by vegartanipla at 10:46 PM on December 26, 2011 [2 favorites]

Best answer: You need to be careful, and you need to tell him "no" in no uncertain terms: "No, I do not want to go out on a date with you. Please don't contact me online about dating anymore, and please do not contact me using company email about dating anymore."

Document what has happened. Also, seek advice from a supervisor at work if you can. This looks like it could turn into a very challenging situation for you if you make any mistakes.
posted by KokuRyu at 10:48 PM on December 26, 2011 [15 favorites]

I realize I should have been a little more clear myself - the reason you don't merely say you don't date where you work is that it can be interpreted as opening a negotiation. You need to be very clear that regardless of circumstance, you aren't interested. And if you're scared of hurt feelings, you don't want to keep this going as the more contact you have with the guy the more emotionally invested he will become and that's when it comes back to bite you.
posted by vegartanipla at 10:52 PM on December 26, 2011 [1 favorite]

I've always acknowledged him but politely been vague and non-committal, hoping he would get the message.

You need to tell him that politely and NOT-vaguely. Don't do it over a drink--that's too chummy for this situation.
posted by needs more cowbell at 10:56 PM on December 26, 2011 [4 favorites]

He sounds kind of scary, to be honest. Also, he's treading awfully close to sexual harassment, so I think you need to be really firm with him. Forget being polite. Definitely don't get a drink with him; that will only encourage his pushy behavior.
posted by easy, lucky, free at 10:59 PM on December 26, 2011 [3 favorites]

I don't want to be rude or hurt his feelings. Partly because he seems like a nice enough guy, way too young for me and a co-worker, but nice enough all the same. I also happen to know his "partner" has been/is subject to disciplinary action at work. Also nice enough, but hardly a model employee. They live together and I'm worried there is an ulterior motive and so I in turn have an ulterior motive for not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings: I'm afraid I might get stung here.

NONE of this offers any reason for you not to shut this down at once, and all of it together raises some major questions about your professional judgment. (Seriously, what does his partner's disciplinary record or their open relationship have to do with anything?)

Actually, you should have shut him down when he first asked you out over company email. "Politely vague and non-committal" is not what is called for for advances that could, if not nipped in the bud, end up costing one or both of you your jobs.

I don't know if Gift of Fear is the right textbook, but I would say you need a crash course in professional boundaries and ethics.
posted by ottereroticist at 11:00 PM on December 26, 2011 [3 favorites]

Tangential advice from another gay guy: don't flirt with headless torsos on Grindr.
posted by roger ackroyd at 11:23 PM on December 26, 2011 [4 favorites]

No, no, no - you're in HR, dude.

Sorry, I don't date co-workers. Nope, absolutely not.
posted by mleigh at 11:29 PM on December 26, 2011 [1 favorite]

Definitely document, and not dating is the correct policy - I would be inclined to re-iterate your no by work email, saying something along the lines of "I work in HR, so it would be inappropriate of me to see anyone who works at the same company. Sorry."
posted by rodgerd at 12:05 AM on December 27, 2011 [1 favorite]

Seriously, what does his partner's disciplinary record or their open relationship have to do with anything?

The asker works in HR, which would pretty pretty fucking germane to whether he could be seen to have undue leverage over someone whose partner is undergoing any kind of disciplinary proceeding. RTFQ.
posted by rodgerd at 12:07 AM on December 27, 2011 [4 favorites]

Best answer: I think you're right to worry that this could be a set-up, especially since the guy's partner is already in trouble at work. Please be very careful how you proceed from here.

I would consider talking to somebody else in HR before you do anything, both to get advice and to establish right now, before any accusations may be made, that you know you stumbled into a bad situation and are trying to get out of it. The problem with talking to this fellow is that it both rewards his behavior with a face-to-face visit and sets up a situation where there is no record of what was actually said. Far better to write an email. Be firm, be brief, and be done with it. If this fellow keeps contacting you, block him every way you can. If he finds ways around that, report him for harassment.

I applaud your desire to be nice, but the kind of entrapment that your co-worked has engaged in is completely over the line. You do not owe him any nice at all, and it's weird to me that you're still, in your update, trying to protect him. ("It will do him more harm than me."). This guy has the power to cause you, at the very least, a serious amount of hassle at work -- and potentially, a whole lot more. You need to stop thinking of his welfare, in my opinion, and think more about your own.
posted by Georgina at 12:08 AM on December 27, 2011 [20 favorites]

There are two questions here:

1> Is it acceptable, within company policy, for someone in HR to be romantically/physically involved with anyone who works for the company?

2> If it was possible to date him, would you like to do so?

Chances are, corporate policy is the same for you as it is for anyone else. However, if work comes up that directly involves either him or his boyfriend, you would need to make it very clear to people that you'd need to recuse yourself from involvement, because of a potential conflict of interest.

You don't owe your employer your social life with fellow employees, unless corporate policy specifically states that to be the case. You just owe them a clear record of fairness and transparency, in regards to your actions. Document it. BCC your email address, if necessary. Make it very clear from the outset what your limitations and responsiblities are.

You say he's "Way too young" for you. In terms of what? Attraction? Interests? Maturity? Do you even know in what way(s) he's not right for you, besides age and the fact he works in the same big company as you? Because I *do* have a partner with the same age difference... and it works out very well indeed, in our case. She's more compatible, more mature, and harder working than my prior partner who was over ten years older than her.

So, here you are... on Grindr... flirting with anonymous naked-photo'd individuals of all ages... and yet *he's* being too capricious, because he likes you and knows he wants to go out with you... perhaps as an alternative to the immature discipline case? Perhaps that's not as immature a reaction as you might think? But do you know?!

How do you use Grindr without being a bit capricious? It's the meatiest manmeat meat market there is! The difference being, he seems to feel unashamedly interested in you, while you just seem to be worried, because you were exposed as being a pervert. As it stands, it's entirely possible he's more serious -- and less judgmental -- about you than you ever planned to be with him...

My simplified advice: there's nothing less sexy than someone who doesn't know what they want, and is too ashamed to ask for it. Don't be that person. Be open, yet responsible... and approach your online social life in the same way.
posted by markkraft at 1:16 AM on December 27, 2011 [3 favorites]

"the kind of entrapment that your co-worked has engaged in is completely over the line"

Because clearly, he made you post nude photos to Grindr.

How about this more a more likely alternative?

1> He expressed an interest in you before ever being on Grindr, and most likely without thinking of how you could benefit him.
2> He created an account on Grindr at some point, found you were located near him, and showed even more interest.

I think it's important to document whatever steps you take to make sure you are complying with company policies, whether or not you want to see him socially.

That said, if I were in his shoes, an office flirtation turned into an HR investigation because one of the HR people used GRINDR like a honey trap, I would be justifiably pissed. I'm not saying "see him" or "don't see him", but you've got email. Make clear, documented ground rules for how you work with him, and stick with them.
posted by markkraft at 1:53 AM on December 27, 2011

My plan now is to agree to having a "a drink" (or a coffee date) and appealing to his common sense and better nature and ask to be left alone.

yeah, you can't even have the coffee. Explain that as an HR person, you cannot do this.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:57 AM on December 27, 2011 [1 favorite]

Sounds like somebody who likes to play games. Be cautiously honest; I'd prefer not to mix my work like and my dating life. This person is skating quite close to harassment; keep all the correspondence.
posted by theora55 at 12:07 PM on December 27, 2011

Good luck with your plan of action!!!

From one gay man to another...Grindr is/can be Russian Roulette. Especially when used around the area where you work/live. I know this probably goes without saying, but never put yourself in a position where you could be *harmed* by someone who wants personal gains over your downfall...
posted by BeastMan78 at 8:10 AM on February 9, 2012