How does one actually succeed in dating?
December 29, 2011 3:58 PM Subscribe
What does it take for someone to actually want something to do with you?
posted by dekathelon to law & government (71 answers total) 33 users marked this as a favorite
(First, because I should say so, my workload has lessened considerably. If you were wondering.)
I'm female, and I've lived 23 years without anyone being attracted to me. This includes exes. (Long story. I can't talk about it publicly because the last time I did, the person in question found it. All I can say is that this is not an assumption.) Nor have I ever been in a relationship that lasted more than a few months. I realize I'm only 23, but that's still pretty old to see so few results. What am I doing wrong?
I mean, I'm actively dating, or at least I try to. The only place I've had any success is online dating (largely because of where I am in my life right now), and even that hardly qualifies as success. I rarely get messages, and the ones I do get are atrocious, which makes me feel terrible about myself because everything I've read says women are constantly spammed with them. I send a few messages, and try to make them good, but they are rarely answered. People click through to my profile sometimes but rarely do anything about it. If it's a numbers game, nobody's letting me accumulate any numbers, and if any meetup miraculously does come of things, the person in question generally wants nothing to do with me within a month if that. It's a system engineered to make me feel like shit about myself, and it's working really well.
Is it my looks? I don't think I'm horrible-looking. I mean, I don't look great, but I don't think I'm actively terrible to look at. I'm not thin, but I'm not exactly fat either (I'm right on the cusp of 24/25 on the BMI, which is probably fat to most guys, but I've tried to change that for 6 years so far with no luck.) My face isn't horrible, although it looks more haggard than I'd like. My photos look more or less like me. I've browsed other girls' profiles, and it's not as if I'm competing with a ton of model-types like me, so I don't know what's wrong. I haven't gotten the "you're in the most attractive half!" email ever, and the site seems to show me a lot of less attractive people, so I can read between the lines of algorithm code. Of course, nobody tells you what you're doing wrong. They just let you keep being wrong.
It can't be my job, because I have an awesome job. If it's my hobbies, I like my hobbies quite fine and am not in the market for new ones. I don't know whether it's my personality, but that's rather difficult to change, it's served me quite well in life so far, and if it was, again, nobody's bothered to tell me what about it is the problem.
So what am I doing wrong? Please be brutally honest. The whole reason I'm asking is because there's no other way to get feedback. I'd rather not post my profile publicly, because it could identify me if you know what you're doing (but then everything I've posted here could if you do), but if you ask I can link you. Or, hell, if anything in real life would work, that'd be fine too, preferable even.