where the party at? oh nowhere.

December 13, 2011 7:54 PM

Extroverts: What do you do when you have to be alone for a long time? Or you have to make a decision and there's no one to call and talk it through with you?

I don't place too much stock in the extrovert/introvert classifications, but I do have to say that I dislike being alone too much and am generally energized with contact with other people. I live alone and am single, so I do need to be alone a lot of the time. Also, I'm trying to work on some writing and other creative projects. I just end up distracting myself with social media because having a conversation on Facebook and Metafilter feels like having interaction, even if it's not face to face and real.

Also, right now I have no one close to me to talk through a bad day or a major decision, and lately I've had several bad days and major decisions to consider. Yes, I have a therapist but that's just once a week and I try to plan out what I'll talk with him with. I do have a lot of casual friends and people to make plans with, but if I'm just in a mood and want to talk something through, there's no one. This has happened quite suddenly because the people I used to go to with these things have either moved to another time zone, gotten into relationships and don't have time for people outside their partner any more, or other things like that.

When I say I like to be around people, I really do. If I have a weekend alone, I'm gloomy by Saturday night and struggle through Sunday. If I don't have plans at all, I try to go to a yoga class or massage or something where I'll get some face time with some people. My job is very social so I'm ok in that environment.

So just when I'm home and I'd like to work through a problem and there is no one to talk to about it or work on a creative project and there's no one to bounce it around with, I feel lost and waste time online, because it feels like there's people there. Some of the recent posts about being alone have answers with people happily baking for 12 hours alone, and I can't imagine that, like some people can't imagine being happy going to parties where you know almost no one ( one of my favorite things).

I hope I've explained this well. What can I do that I'm not thinking of?

posted by sweetkid to Health & Fitness (20 answers total)

I'm with you all the way. I've recently gone through some non-fun times, and am in another country where I don't have the close friends I had back home, and I'm floundering a little too.

In terms of time by yourself, I find it hard too - what do people DO all day?? I find that I work much better when I can organise activities for myself. Anything from a bike ride to a class in something to a minor repair or something at home, even taking a 45 minute walk to the shops to get a new toothbrush or whatever. As long as the hours have SOMETHING in them, it's alright, even if it's not as good as being around the people you like.
posted by twirlypen at 8:06 PM on December 13, 2011

Hi, I am not an extrovert but I do crave social contact sometimes. Sometimes it helps me to just be around people, like at a cofffee shop or something. Sometimes people at places like that can be friendly, and you can kind of strike up conversations with them- I find that helps me a lot.

Maybe you could also look into some volunteer work, like at a nursing home or something. I know that's kind of a cliche answer, but it might work.

Otherwise, try calling up a random friend you don't usually see and inviting them out just to chat. I find that sometimes friends or acquaintances I don't normally see are still happy to go out and catch up.
posted by bearette at 8:07 PM on December 13, 2011

I write long emails and letters.
posted by raccoon409 at 8:17 PM on December 13, 2011

Response by poster: thanks, but I'm not looking for volunteer work and stuff like that -- I can make plans when I need to. It's just sometimes I HAVE to be home alone, and need to deal with it, and I can't. Or I need to work through a problem without calling a friend, because there is no one to call.
posted by sweetkid at 8:44 PM on December 13, 2011

I talk to my dog. If she's not around I talk to myself. Journaling helps too, just free writing.
posted by TooFewShoes at 8:45 PM on December 13, 2011

Chatroulette. No kidding
posted by lifethatihavenotlivedyet at 8:47 PM on December 13, 2011 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I'm also very sensitive to being alone, and find spending weekends alone to be especially difficult.

Something I've found very helpful is background noise -- music, but also (and especially) podcasts. I love NPR podcasts, Radiolab, Savage Love, etc. They're all great ways of absorbing human energy whilst being all by your lonesome.

If you're working on projects that require your full mental attention, like creative writing, podcasts might be too distracting. In that case I'd recommend a good dose of intrumental background music. I like to listen to Bonobo, Yann Tiersen, and other things that inspire daydreams, creativity, and enchantment.
posted by aintthattheway at 8:52 PM on December 13, 2011 [5 favorites]

Response by poster: thanks, aintthattheway, that's exactly the type of thing I am looking for.
posted by sweetkid at 8:53 PM on December 13, 2011

Best answer: Casual, conversational podcasts about topics you're not super interested in. For example, football podcasts if you're of a basketball person (so it's not too distracting/enthralling). Similar idea: familiar TV at a low volume-- something you know by heart, with characters who feel like friends. Also, really bare-bones, fast-moving off topic message boards (several orders of magnitude less intellectual than Metafilter) where you're guaranteed to get a few responses within a minute.
posted by acidic at 9:25 PM on December 13, 2011 [1 favorite]

Best answer: This might be an odd suggestion, but you might give Second Life a try. You'd have the opportunity to make friends with people in various time zones. I'm an introvert, but when I'm on a creative kick, I almost always have somebody online to bounce ideas off of or just chat with. You could look up a few MeFites there as a place to start.

Feel free to memail me if you'd like more info or help.
posted by moira at 9:41 PM on December 13, 2011

Best answer: Or I need to work through a problem without calling a friend, because there is no one to call.

Can you have the conversation with someone in your head? I do this all the time, to the point where it frustrates my partner because we've had entire discussions he's never taken part in. I also have a 24 hour on-call imaginary shrink who is more or less an amalgamation of every shrink I've ever had and very helpful.

Wait, is that weird?
posted by DarlingBri at 9:45 PM on December 13, 2011 [7 favorites]

Best answer: I might listen to the radio station in the language that I don't know . Somehow I am not alone , but can keep my attention on the work .
posted by Oli D. at 9:46 PM on December 13, 2011

Response by poster: Can you have the conversation with someone in your head?

Ha ha, doesn't sound weird, but just with the weird anxiety brain I have when I have a problem, anybody in my head is damn mean and negative and unhelpful! Sometimes I email my therapist when I have something to work out in between appointments. He doesn't always respond right away but will have saved up his thoughts for the appointment.
posted by sweetkid at 9:50 PM on December 13, 2011 [1 favorite]

Best answer: When I have to work alone for long stretches, I definitely have background music going. My favorite tracks that allow me to focus while infusing that human "feeling" into the background are from the french DJ Stephane Pompougnac. A couple of his albums are here and here.

I find a long phone call with a friend can lift me out of that funk I get into when being alone for too long. Do you have people you can get all deep with and bounce ideas off of over the phone? If you've lost touch with good friends, reconnect with them and pick up where you left off.

Try to create spaces with more outdoor lighting if your house is somewhat dark. Since you derive your energy from your external environment, the "mood" in the room you're in might affect you more than you realize. Lots of light and the wind blowing through open windows and bright colors and music can help.

You might try working on projects and the like at coffee shops and libraries. I find with my ear plugs in I can focus much better with lots of activity and stimulating sights and smells around versus trying to work in a house by myself for long stretches. Break up the day with errands or short activities like working out in order to keep your need for human contact fulfilled.
posted by sunnychef88 at 10:46 PM on December 13, 2011 [1 favorite]

Would it be possible for you to get a cat or a dog? I find myself feeling at least a little bit less lonely if there's another mammal in the same room as me. If that's not possible in your living situation, maybe you could get some fish or some houseplants? That might help in the same way that sunnychef88's other great suggestions about the external environment could help.

I know you said having the conversation in your head doesn't work. Have you tried writing it down? I've found that to be very clarifying at times. I write down basically dialogues between different parts of me--sometimes I do it back and forth, while other times I write a list of questions and then I'll write a list of answers. You might be surprised by what you can work out through this kind of self-dialogue.

Also, in the long term, have you considered a different living arrangement? Perhaps you might thrive in some type of co-operative housing or intentional community where there are usually people around and the people live there because they like being around people a lot. Just a thought.
posted by overglow at 11:27 PM on December 13, 2011

Best answer: In software engineering circles there's a concept of a "cardboard programmer". When you have a problem and need help working through it, you talk to the cardboard programmer. He or she listens very empathetically, and during your attempts at explanation you normally arrive at the answer.

So for the case where you've a problem to think through, you could try
- explaining it to a stuffed animal
- explaining it to a specific imaginary person that you think would be helpful. Could be a real person who's just not here right now, could be a fictional person that you admire or even a cartoon character. If this works for you, you could even assemble an imaginary staff of these kind of people, in order to get a good variety of perspectives. What would Buffy say?
- writing an email to someone and not sending it
- journalling
posted by emilyw at 12:27 AM on December 14, 2011 [5 favorites]

Response by poster:
Would it be possible for you to get a cat or a dog?

I have two cats -- still not enough socialization for me at times! ha. Writing the conversations down isn't a bad idea.

I'm really appreciating these answers so far.
posted by sweetkid at 6:57 AM on December 14, 2011

I, too, have a very hard time being alone/not with friends for long periods of time, it makes me depressed. I'm still trying to figure out ways to get through it, but here are somethings that have helped a bit so far:

-I can't agree enough with the suggestion of writing emails or letters. I've lived overseas and have a lot of friends there, and I have a long distance boyfriend (thank goodness HE'S not overseas) and often write him/them letters when I'm lonely and need to feel like I'm communicating with someone. For me, it works wonders. I often go to to coffee shops to do this.

-Music, movies/TV, books...all of these things keep my mind distracted and away from the lack of people. I read/watch/listen to keep my mind busy and from dwelling on being alone.

-Being creative/productive: cleaning my room, organizing a chest of drawers, writing. Always with music in the background.

-I, too, go on the Internet to find people. I sometimes find free chat rooms are good in the sense that they connect me with people, who are often such morons/pervs/guys looking for sex that I get disgusted and don't want to interact with them anymore. Though this is counter productive, perhaps...
posted by Emms at 12:04 PM on December 14, 2011

What helps me is background noise (tv/radio/not-too-distracting movie) and instant messaging (sometimes irc) as well as having things to do to break up long hours of the same thing or nothing.

If you can't own a dog, maybe you can "borrow" one from a neighbor/friend? I have a neighbor who doesn't get home from work until after dark, and I walk her dog during the day, or take him to the coffee-shop with the big outdoor porch. This also encourages me to be social as the dog is extremely friendly.

My boyfriend has recently taken a job that keeps him away from the house for long periods, and while it drives me nuts sometimes, the background noise, and my Internet Friends keep me much saner than I would be otherwise.
posted by MuChao at 7:30 PM on December 14, 2011

This is not a very actionable comment, but this is exactly why I live with flatmates.
posted by squasher at 1:01 AM on December 15, 2011