I made out with a girl at a party, but I really like one of her close friend. What should I do?
November 3, 2011 10:54 PM Subscribe
I made out with a girl at a party, but I really like one of her close friend that was there too. What should I do?
So basically I went to a party last weekend and got drunk and made out with this chick that likes me. But I don't like her that way... I just want to be friends with her. And the other girl I like was there at a party and knows that I hooked up with her best friend and doesn't know that I like her. So my question is, how do I tell the girl I like the truth. She knows everything that went down that night. I really like her and want to tell her but don't know what to do. We started talking casually but I haven't told her how I feel in fear of getting rejected. It was my first time meeting her at a party so we barely know each other that deep. I'm 21 n she's 19. So far from talking to her, I cannot tell whether she's interested in me or not. But any advice would be appreciate it since I cannot stop thinking about girl.
So basically I went to a party last weekend and got drunk and made out with this chick that likes me. But I don't like her that way... I just want to be friends with her. And the other girl I like was there at a party and knows that I hooked up with her best friend and doesn't know that I like her. So my question is, how do I tell the girl I like the truth. She knows everything that went down that night. I really like her and want to tell her but don't know what to do. We started talking casually but I haven't told her how I feel in fear of getting rejected. It was my first time meeting her at a party so we barely know each other that deep. I'm 21 n she's 19. So far from talking to her, I cannot tell whether she's interested in me or not. But any advice would be appreciate it since I cannot stop thinking about girl.
You need to wait. If you have this conversation right away, you're going to look like an asshole. (Not just to the girl you made out with, but also to the girl you like.) I assume these are girls you'll see on a regular basis -like if you are all students at the same college, or something like that? Give it a month or two, and in that time act equally friendly to both of them (not flirty, just friendly.) The girl you made out with will probably be happy to be friends too, and the girl you like will see you as a nice guy. And then in a few months, feel free to start flirting with the girl you like.
(Note: DO NOT try and make out with the girl you like at a party. She's already seen you do that once, and it'll seem like its 'your thing' and like you're a player. Keep it classy! Ask her on a date!)
posted by Kololo at 11:14 PM on November 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
(Note: DO NOT try and make out with the girl you like at a party. She's already seen you do that once, and it'll seem like its 'your thing' and like you're a player. Keep it classy! Ask her on a date!)
posted by Kololo at 11:14 PM on November 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
It's very, very important for you to come off as not just like a drunken wanna-be player and user here if you want a shot with this friend. You need to act like a gentleman here. You need to be really kind to the first girl or you will not come off as boyfriend material.
Here's what I would do if I were a 21 year old guy and I were in this situation:
Call the girl you made out with and tell her this: "Just wanted to call and talk about Saturday. I think I took things a little further than I should have. You are a great friend and a beautiful girl, but I really just want to be friends. What do you think about that?"
Then BE a really good friend to her. And as for the other girl, lay low for at least a month, like Kololo said. Just talk to her casually but don't flirt. You won't have to tell her anything because her friend will tell her about the phone call and what you said.
After a month, then ask her out.
posted by cairdeas at 11:41 PM on November 3, 2011 [25 favorites]
Here's what I would do if I were a 21 year old guy and I were in this situation:
Call the girl you made out with and tell her this: "Just wanted to call and talk about Saturday. I think I took things a little further than I should have. You are a great friend and a beautiful girl, but I really just want to be friends. What do you think about that?"
Then BE a really good friend to her. And as for the other girl, lay low for at least a month, like Kololo said. Just talk to her casually but don't flirt. You won't have to tell her anything because her friend will tell her about the phone call and what you said.
After a month, then ask her out.
posted by cairdeas at 11:41 PM on November 3, 2011 [25 favorites]
Strongly second cairdeas' advice.
posted by auto-correct at 11:43 PM on November 3, 2011
posted by auto-correct at 11:43 PM on November 3, 2011
Not to generalize, but girls (generally) don't go out with dudes that their best friends like and have recently made out with, because that causes MAJOR FRIEND DRAMA and they will (and should) almost always pick their friend over some rando dude.
You DEFINITELY need to lay low with the other girl for a while to let this blow over. If they are close friends, they HAVE talked about you, and you will look like a total jackass if you AT ALL come off like, "hey, I know I made out with your friend, but I really like YOU." Let all of this recede into the background a bit, and DON'T make out with the friend EVER again, and, in fact, very very kindly let her know that you don't like her in that way. And then just play it cool with the Girl You Like for a bit.
As an Old Person, let me just tell you from experience that making out with people you don't actually really like is only going to cause you severe pain, especially if there IS someone you really like out there, and ESPECIALLY if they witness it.
Or, what cairdeas said. BE A GENTLEMAN.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 11:50 PM on November 3, 2011 [11 favorites]
You DEFINITELY need to lay low with the other girl for a while to let this blow over. If they are close friends, they HAVE talked about you, and you will look like a total jackass if you AT ALL come off like, "hey, I know I made out with your friend, but I really like YOU." Let all of this recede into the background a bit, and DON'T make out with the friend EVER again, and, in fact, very very kindly let her know that you don't like her in that way. And then just play it cool with the Girl You Like for a bit.
As an Old Person, let me just tell you from experience that making out with people you don't actually really like is only going to cause you severe pain, especially if there IS someone you really like out there, and ESPECIALLY if they witness it.
Or, what cairdeas said. BE A GENTLEMAN.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 11:50 PM on November 3, 2011 [11 favorites]
1. Apologize to the girl you drunkenly made out with. This is not to score kudos with her friend, but to make up for the fact that you made out with a girl who likes you who you don't like back. Later in your life you will meet lots of women who don't attach much importance to making out with some dude at a party, but right here and right now I promise you it gave her the wrong impression and she's going to think you like her back.
2. Accept that this may mean you lose your dream girl, who will back up her friend and agree with her that you're an asshole.
3. WAIT. Be kind and friendly to BOTH of them while putting a good deal of distance between yourself and them. Everyone involved is young enough to outgrow it (in a matter of months), but if you make a move on her now you will go down in dream girl's mind as "that asshole who played my friend and then hit on me."
posted by motsque at 3:30 AM on November 4, 2011 [3 favorites]
2. Accept that this may mean you lose your dream girl, who will back up her friend and agree with her that you're an asshole.
3. WAIT. Be kind and friendly to BOTH of them while putting a good deal of distance between yourself and them. Everyone involved is young enough to outgrow it (in a matter of months), but if you make a move on her now you will go down in dream girl's mind as "that asshole who played my friend and then hit on me."
posted by motsque at 3:30 AM on November 4, 2011 [3 favorites]
You just bought yourself a waiting period, my friend.
If the friend likes you, that waiting period will be rather long (unless the friend starts dating someone else, thus removing the girl you like from any obligation to be a good friend). If she doesn't like you (it was just a drunken thing for her too), I would say you have to wait 2 months. And I agree that you should not try to make out with the girl you actually like at a party or it will look like it's "your thing."
Please note that if this girl likes you, at this age, both of these women are going to talk at night about how you're an a-hole that led this girl on and they will decide they hate you. You're all clear if this girl is a party make-out queen.
posted by superfille at 5:02 AM on November 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
If the friend likes you, that waiting period will be rather long (unless the friend starts dating someone else, thus removing the girl you like from any obligation to be a good friend). If she doesn't like you (it was just a drunken thing for her too), I would say you have to wait 2 months. And I agree that you should not try to make out with the girl you actually like at a party or it will look like it's "your thing."
Please note that if this girl likes you, at this age, both of these women are going to talk at night about how you're an a-hole that led this girl on and they will decide they hate you. You're all clear if this girl is a party make-out queen.
posted by superfille at 5:02 AM on November 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
As long as you're not just assuming that this girl likes you because you made out at a party (she could think the same of you), your first move should be to let that girl down gently. Give her the old let's be friends.
Your second move will be going after the girl you like. You should give a little bit of time between these two things because if the girl you like is a good friend to the other girl, she won't go for you while her friend likes you and thinks she has a shot or has hurt feelings from this incident.
When you do go after this girl, don't "tell her how you feel." That's just an awkward approach. How is she supposed to respond to that? If you can't flirt with her and let things develop that way at their own pace, ask her on a date.
You have to put on your big boy pants and get over your fear of being rejected. You have to stop trying to figure out if she likes you before you are willing to make a move here. The problem with what you're doing in that regard is that you'll probably never get enough evidence to know that she likes you, so you'll be stuck exactly where you are right now forever (and eventually some other guy will have the balls to ask her out and will get the girl). Besides, she's either going to be interested or not -- putting off the moment and delay isn't going to give you more time to convince her to like you. Given that, knowing -- whatever the result may be -- is certainly better and less painful than remaining in this weird limbo you're stuck in.
posted by J. Wilson at 5:02 AM on November 4, 2011
Your second move will be going after the girl you like. You should give a little bit of time between these two things because if the girl you like is a good friend to the other girl, she won't go for you while her friend likes you and thinks she has a shot or has hurt feelings from this incident.
When you do go after this girl, don't "tell her how you feel." That's just an awkward approach. How is she supposed to respond to that? If you can't flirt with her and let things develop that way at their own pace, ask her on a date.
You have to put on your big boy pants and get over your fear of being rejected. You have to stop trying to figure out if she likes you before you are willing to make a move here. The problem with what you're doing in that regard is that you'll probably never get enough evidence to know that she likes you, so you'll be stuck exactly where you are right now forever (and eventually some other guy will have the balls to ask her out and will get the girl). Besides, she's either going to be interested or not -- putting off the moment and delay isn't going to give you more time to convince her to like you. Given that, knowing -- whatever the result may be -- is certainly better and less painful than remaining in this weird limbo you're stuck in.
posted by J. Wilson at 5:02 AM on November 4, 2011
Drunk rules apply. 2 people getting drunk and making out one weekend will mean ninny at the end of the school year. It will be one of those memories you recall going "oh....wow...i was sooo different then...she was so different".
This only applies if you know that both parties were drunk. And how CAN you know that?
cairdeas has it. Gently apologize to the girl you made out with and clarify where your head is about her, so she doesn't get the wrong idea, and then don't make out with her again. Don't do anything about the other girl for a while -- that way lies Major Girl Drama.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:33 AM on November 4, 2011
This only applies if you know that both parties were drunk. And how CAN you know that?
cairdeas has it. Gently apologize to the girl you made out with and clarify where your head is about her, so she doesn't get the wrong idea, and then don't make out with her again. Don't do anything about the other girl for a while -- that way lies Major Girl Drama.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:33 AM on November 4, 2011
I'm going to just gently say, again, that clarifying with the girl that you kissed that you don't really like her "that way" would be the most considerate thing to do. hal_c_on's claims that it's not necessary may be technically accurate, but would definitely come across as rude and inconsiderate.
Even coming from a wholly-self-involved perspective, it's the right thing to do -- I mean, if you really like a girl, but you poison the well by doing a make-out-and-then-don't-ever-call-again move on that girl's friend FIRST, the girl you REALLY like is going to avoid you like the plague.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:26 AM on November 4, 2011 [4 favorites]
Even coming from a wholly-self-involved perspective, it's the right thing to do -- I mean, if you really like a girl, but you poison the well by doing a make-out-and-then-don't-ever-call-again move on that girl's friend FIRST, the girl you REALLY like is going to avoid you like the plague.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:26 AM on November 4, 2011 [4 favorites]
There are no "right" answers or "wrong" answers to these sorts of questions. Obviously one can make an intellectual defense of the "hey, we were young and drunk, shit happens" line and one can make an equally good intellectual defense of the "it's wrong to make out with someone who is sweet on you if you don't actually want to go any further with them" line.
What you can do, though, is use a thread like this as a general poll on what people in general tend to feel about these issues. I would say that "people in general" clearly think the apology is a good idea (that gets my vote too; to me it would say "hey, this guy might have done the wrong thing, but he's taking responsibility for it and acting like a mensch") and the "pretend it never happened unless she makes a move again in the future when you laugh it off and say 'oh, but I was drunk! Of course I don't really feel that way about you! What, were you serious!?'" is a really, really crappy idea.
If that's the way that people in general tend to think then odds are that that's going to be the way that the two girls in question think. Your concern right now is doing the thing most likely to make those two girls respect you. Better, in this case, to be in their good books than to be "right" according to some abstract argument about the degree to which alcohol absolves you of responsibility.
posted by yoink at 11:58 AM on November 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
What you can do, though, is use a thread like this as a general poll on what people in general tend to feel about these issues. I would say that "people in general" clearly think the apology is a good idea (that gets my vote too; to me it would say "hey, this guy might have done the wrong thing, but he's taking responsibility for it and acting like a mensch") and the "pretend it never happened unless she makes a move again in the future when you laugh it off and say 'oh, but I was drunk! Of course I don't really feel that way about you! What, were you serious!?'" is a really, really crappy idea.
If that's the way that people in general tend to think then odds are that that's going to be the way that the two girls in question think. Your concern right now is doing the thing most likely to make those two girls respect you. Better, in this case, to be in their good books than to be "right" according to some abstract argument about the degree to which alcohol absolves you of responsibility.
posted by yoink at 11:58 AM on November 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
Calling the girl to tell her you're not into her seems unnecessarily cruel; if it comes up then you'll want to make your feelings clear, but I see no reason to force it. If everyone who drunkenly made out or even slept with someone they didn't have feelings for had to call and apologize for it the world would grind to a halt. That said, the chance that her friend will be interested in you when her best friend already is and has made out with you? Probably not so great.
posted by villanelles at dawn at 1:04 PM on November 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by villanelles at dawn at 1:04 PM on November 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
Unless you want to branded a player, you wait this one out.
posted by mleigh at 4:25 PM on November 4, 2011
posted by mleigh at 4:25 PM on November 4, 2011
Most of the advice here seems to be unnecessarily safe and too evolved for your situation. Calling your make-out buddy to clear the air is going to make 'something' out of 'nothing'.
If you're not keen, disengage. You made out once, you didn't get married by Elvis.
As far as the friend goes, call her and ask her out on a date. Then you will get your answer. Don't volunteer information about the other night but be forthright if she asks. "Yes, I hooked up with Amber. It was okay, she's really nice but that's not going to go any further. I'd like to get a coffee with you."
Take command of your right as a person to pursue what you want. The other girl will figure out pretty quickly that you're not into her when you ask her friend out.
And dude, you're in college. You have the rest of your life to know better and be a gentleman. Don't be an asshole but at the same time, make as many mistakes as possible without hurting anyone.
Granted, your chances of success are low. Not because you made out with the friend but because the chances that a girl you like liking you back is a crapshoot. It's a numbers game most of the time. Granted if she does like you, a bit of making out with her friend will not be enough of a barrier. And if it is, so be it. Tick the box, have a beer, and get back into the pool.
(In other words, you're using the other night to rationalise a fear of rejection. The other night was meaningless to you. Live that truth and go try to hit a fast ball.)
posted by nickrussell at 6:33 PM on November 4, 2011
If you're not keen, disengage. You made out once, you didn't get married by Elvis.
As far as the friend goes, call her and ask her out on a date. Then you will get your answer. Don't volunteer information about the other night but be forthright if she asks. "Yes, I hooked up with Amber. It was okay, she's really nice but that's not going to go any further. I'd like to get a coffee with you."
Take command of your right as a person to pursue what you want. The other girl will figure out pretty quickly that you're not into her when you ask her friend out.
And dude, you're in college. You have the rest of your life to know better and be a gentleman. Don't be an asshole but at the same time, make as many mistakes as possible without hurting anyone.
Granted, your chances of success are low. Not because you made out with the friend but because the chances that a girl you like liking you back is a crapshoot. It's a numbers game most of the time. Granted if she does like you, a bit of making out with her friend will not be enough of a barrier. And if it is, so be it. Tick the box, have a beer, and get back into the pool.
(In other words, you're using the other night to rationalise a fear of rejection. The other night was meaningless to you. Live that truth and go try to hit a fast ball.)
posted by nickrussell at 6:33 PM on November 4, 2011
The other girl will figure out pretty quickly that you're not into her when you ask her friend out.
This is the assumption that the "louse" character in just about every single book, TV Program and film about relationships ever written makes. Yes, we end up forgiving young people for behaving like this because, hey, they're young and stupid. But we admire most the people who leave this kind of selfish and thoughtless behavior behind earliest.
posted by yoink at 7:34 PM on November 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
This is the assumption that the "louse" character in just about every single book, TV Program and film about relationships ever written makes. Yes, we end up forgiving young people for behaving like this because, hey, they're young and stupid. But we admire most the people who leave this kind of selfish and thoughtless behavior behind earliest.
posted by yoink at 7:34 PM on November 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
Take command of your right as a person to pursue what you want. The other girl will figure out pretty quickly that you're not into her when you ask her friend out.... The other night was meaningless to you. Live that truth and go try to hit a fast ball.)
Nick, what you're missing is for most girls, you're not going to get involved with someone your friend is knew first and is crazy about even if you might have otherwise been interested. Plenty of other fish in the sea. And for most girls, if you see someone treat your friend really callously, any interest you might have otherwise had in them will evaporate.
We know the other night was meaningful to the OP, and that's "his truth." If he tries to "hit a fastball" with these girls, he'll soon find out their truth, that not damaging their friendship is most likely more important to them currently than the OP.
If I thought the OP didn't have "the right" to pursue this, I would have never replied to him giving advice. The difference is my advice was about how to pursue this and actually have success with it.
Treating people well and not being callous isn't just a good thing to do just because it's "evolved," it's also usually more effective too.
posted by cairdeas at 9:43 PM on November 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
Nick, what you're missing is for most girls, you're not going to get involved with someone your friend is knew first and is crazy about even if you might have otherwise been interested. Plenty of other fish in the sea. And for most girls, if you see someone treat your friend really callously, any interest you might have otherwise had in them will evaporate.
We know the other night was meaningful to the OP, and that's "his truth." If he tries to "hit a fastball" with these girls, he'll soon find out their truth, that not damaging their friendship is most likely more important to them currently than the OP.
If I thought the OP didn't have "the right" to pursue this, I would have never replied to him giving advice. The difference is my advice was about how to pursue this and actually have success with it.
Treating people well and not being callous isn't just a good thing to do just because it's "evolved," it's also usually more effective too.
posted by cairdeas at 9:43 PM on November 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
Take command of your right as a person to pursue what you want. The other girl will figure out pretty quickly that you're not into her when you ask her friend out...
....And her friend will turn him down because "you made out with her and then NEVER CALLED HER AGAIN, you fucking prick."
Even from a perspective of "taking command of your right as a person to pursue what you want," just blowing the other girl off seems like a really, really dumb move.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:23 PM on November 4, 2011 [3 favorites]
....And her friend will turn him down because "you made out with her and then NEVER CALLED HER AGAIN, you fucking prick."
Even from a perspective of "taking command of your right as a person to pursue what you want," just blowing the other girl off seems like a really, really dumb move.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:23 PM on November 4, 2011 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: The other thing is, I asked one of a friend of the girl I like to find out if she has any BF and she said she doesn't have any BF and not looking for a relationship right now. That right there was a major cut off for me.
So would it be wise to wait a bit before asking her out or forget about her. Mean while, is it a good idea to remain friends with her and talk as much as possible or give her space. Im new to relationships and this is my first girlfriend type of thing experience.
posted by Parh6512 at 12:13 AM on November 5, 2011
So would it be wise to wait a bit before asking her out or forget about her. Mean while, is it a good idea to remain friends with her and talk as much as possible or give her space. Im new to relationships and this is my first girlfriend type of thing experience.
posted by Parh6512 at 12:13 AM on November 5, 2011
You asked one of her friends if she was available and the friend said she wasn't looking for a relationship? I think this is a hint if she's not interested in you. But if you want to ask her out, well, you never know. Either ask her out -- now -- or move on.
posted by J. Wilson at 10:55 AM on November 5, 2011
posted by J. Wilson at 10:55 AM on November 5, 2011
Response by poster: Yes I asked a friend of the girl who I like and she said she's not looking for a relationship right now. She didn't mention my name of anything. She just said she's not ready for one yet. Not sure if this is a good sign or not.
posted by Parh6512 at 1:36 PM on November 5, 2011
posted by Parh6512 at 1:36 PM on November 5, 2011
If you actually like her as a person and would be glad to be friends even if nothing romantic or sexual ever comes of it, then remaining (more accurately: becoming) friends would be a good thing.
If you're really only interested in her as a romantic or sexual partner, don't try to become "friends" with the intention of waiting until you get an opening. Speaking from experience, women can tell when a man is doing this*. It's creepy and disrespectful and fundamentally comes off as "I don't actually care about you, I care that you have the appropriate genitalia and I might be able to get lucky."
* Speaking only from personal experience; I don't know whether/how often this kind of thing happens in same-gender relationships, or if it would be true to say "men can tell when a woman is doing this".
posted by Lexica at 3:22 PM on November 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
If you're really only interested in her as a romantic or sexual partner, don't try to become "friends" with the intention of waiting until you get an opening. Speaking from experience, women can tell when a man is doing this*. It's creepy and disrespectful and fundamentally comes off as "I don't actually care about you, I care that you have the appropriate genitalia and I might be able to get lucky."
* Speaking only from personal experience; I don't know whether/how often this kind of thing happens in same-gender relationships, or if it would be true to say "men can tell when a woman is doing this".
posted by Lexica at 3:22 PM on November 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by boobjob at 11:00 PM on November 3, 2011 [16 favorites]