Does this seem like it might work out?
October 23, 2011 7:59 PM   Subscribe

I need some advice about my first relationship.

I'm in my early twenties and I've never dated anyone before. Four months ago, I met a nice guy close to my age at my new job, and we've been going out for two months.

We get along great and everything seems to be going smoothly, but sometimes I feel like he's going to get bored with me. From what I've heard from his friends, his previous girlfriends were loud, party-going extroverts, and I am the total opposite of that. I'm quiet, I don't drink, smoke, or do drugs (not even caffeine), and I don't go to parties or clubs. He seems very attracted to me, and he frequently tells me how he feels about me and how happy I make him. He has shared a lot of personal information with me, including his insecurities and weaknesses. He was eager to introduce me to his friends and family, and they seem to like me.

We haven't done anything sexual beyond lots of kissing and some foreplay, and I'm kind of worried about how I will handle it when we get to that point. My only previous sexual experience was when I was raped two years ago, which I told him about. He has been much more understanding than I expected, and he's very kind and says all the right things, but I can't help wondering how he actually feels about my past. I am physically affectionate and I do want to have sex with him, but I don't want to try too soon and have a bad experience that might ruin what we have right now. Any insight from a guy who has been in a similar situation would be appreciated.

Should I just relax and enjoy the time we spend together, or should I be worried that his infatuation is going to fade and I will end up disappointed and hurt? Is it okay to allow myself to get attached to him? Is it unreasonable to expect a guy his age to wait a while before having sex?

I apologize if this question is too open-ended or unclear, but I just wanted to get some advice from an outsider's perspective.
posted by lali to Human Relations (16 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
 
It sounds like he is really into you, but you can't fully participate in the relationship if your mind's always in the future (and not just the future, but the worst-case-scenario version of the future). So yes, relax and enjoy the fun parts of being in a new relationship. Trust that he's being honest about his feelings, and be honest about yours. If you feel like you aren't capable of doing this, then therapy is probably a good idea.

Also, it's not at all unreasonable to expect him to wait for sex until you feel ready, as long as you're open and clear with him about your needs.
posted by oinopaponton at 8:09 PM on October 23, 2011 [8 favorites]


sometimes I feel like he's going to get bored with me
should I be worried that his infatuation is going to fade and I will end up disappointed and hurt

Those things might all happen. Figuring out if you like each other for the long haul is what it's all about. But getting yourself all twisted up into knots and trying to turn yourself into something you're not is a good way to way to send things down in flames faster. Be confident in who you are. If he doesn't like it, that's okay. You shed your tears and move on down the road.
posted by unannihilated at 8:09 PM on October 23, 2011 [3 favorites]


Any insight from a guy who has been in a similar situation would be appreciated.

A few years ago I dated a woman who would describe herself much as you did, and I am a guy who had previously dated extroverts. I am an introvert myself so at times I found myself reliant on an extroverted girlfriend to bring strengths to my weaknesses and vice versa. Anyway, that won't be all that helpful, because your relationship is unique to you and your boyfriend.

Should I just relax and enjoy the time we spend together

You should always do this. Relationships should be a net stress reducer by a substantial margin.

should I be worried that his infatuation is going to fade and I will end up disappointed and hurt?

It happens. Impossible to predict, and dwelling on it won't help.

but I can't help wondering how he actually feels about my past.

The odds are very, very good that he only thinks about you being raped, as one data point among dozens, in the context of and for the purpose of wanting to understand your needs and desires in the relationship and maybe treading carefully on particular matters he thinks might upset you. You could always ask him.

Is it okay to allow myself to get attached to him?

You aren't already? But, yeah, you have to get attached; otherwise you're just taking the risk of getting hurt with no reward.

I am physically affectionate and I do want to have sex with him, but I don't want to try too soon and have a bad experience that might ruin what we have right now.

Are you worried that the sex won't be good and it will be awkward for both of you, or are you worried that it might make you recall unpleasant memories? For the latter, I think the standard MeFi recommendatio is therapy. For the former, it happens to everybody - it's pretty much written in stone. Nobody is Dr. Smooth, Jaded Lover Extraordinaire, their first time ever or even their first time with a new partner. Laugh about it and repeat until the desired results are achieved.

TL;DR: I think you're doing what everyone does and just overthinking things. To the extent you can let yourself relax and focus on seeing more of your boyfriend and doing new things together and growing more and more fond of each other's company, do that. But when you can't, it's OK (and a Good Thing) to talk about it between you, and anybody that isn't thoughtful in doing so isn't worth pursuing. If you feel really hung up on something, there's always professional help, but you're not going to know until you kick the proverbial training wheels off.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 8:25 PM on October 23, 2011 [16 favorites]


Inspector Gadget said it all perfectly so the only thing I have to add is Good Luck and go and have fun and stop thinking "what if " all the time. :-)
posted by dawkins_7 at 8:30 PM on October 23, 2011


From the opposite perspective, I'm an (girl) introvert who has dated a lot of extroverts. To be honest, I don't have a preference-- either way there are pros and cons. So he might not be thinking of your relationship in those terms at all. Just focus on having a good time and don't, do not, worry too much about when he'll "get bored with you." The only thing you can be sure of is that he'll get bored with having to reassure you he's not bored with you.

This guy sounds really cool-- just try to relax and be honest with yourself. It sounds like he's into you as a human being, so if you communicate with one another I highly doubt he'll get "bored." I'm speaking as someone who used to freak out about this all the time, until I realized that a mature relationship is actually more satisfying and as (if not more) fun than a new one, even though you've lost that new car smell.
posted by stoneandstar at 8:59 PM on October 23, 2011


Also, the fact that you're not closed to sex but just want to take your time is probably enough to ensure he will not have a major problem waiting for you.
posted by stoneandstar at 8:59 PM on October 23, 2011 [3 favorites]


From what I've heard from his friends, his previous girlfriends were loud, party-going extroverts

Yes, but they're his previous girlfriends. Obviously, something wasn't working then.

Relax and enjoy this. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out! You will not soften the blow of a breakup by having agonized over it in advance, and you certainly won't improve the relationship by second-guessing his feelings. (I had all of these same fears in my first relationship. The above is what I wish I'd had to good sense to tell myself back then.)
posted by katillathehun at 9:29 PM on October 23, 2011 [7 favorites]


I was in a very similar situation when I first started dating my boyfriend, though I'd had sex previously. I was very up front about the whole rape thing with him because I figured it might make sex weird. Sure enough, the first time we had sex I ended up in the same orientation as when I was raped and felt trapped again and panicked and told him STOP and he did. And then I was upset and scared, and he held me until I calmed down and we talked about it and then fell asleep. And the next time, I made sure that I didn't end up trapped beneath him and it was good. Now from time to time I get nervous or need to stop or move around so that I don't flashback, but I trust him and I know that I am safe. Being in this relationship has given me the strength and confidence to stop things when I am unhappy and assert myself sexually in a way I couldn't do even before I was raped. I hope that this guy is awesome to you in the same way that my boyfriend has been to me.

It is absolutely reasonable to expect a guy in his mid-twenties to have the maturity to listen to his girlfriend and potential sexual partner about her needs. You just need to be able to express those needs to him, and be able to walk away if he doesn't respect them.
posted by SockMarionette at 10:27 PM on October 23, 2011 [3 favorites]


I was raped by a boyfriend a few months after we started having sex. Didn't have the courage to leave him or deal with it for a year and a half later, when I cheated on him. The lover I took on showed me that any man worth having sex with will treat you with respect and listen to you when you say you need to stop.

As you get more physical with your boyfriend, make sure you increase communication as well. The more comfortable you are with him, the better. If he's a good one, he'll want to know what feels good to you and what might remind you of being raped.

Best wishes, and know it is possible to have a great sex life after rape.
posted by luckynerd at 10:57 PM on October 23, 2011


As far as I can see, everything you write about the present sounds great, it's only the future that is casting a dark shadow over you. I think it's best to concentrate on what is happening now. If the two of you are happy together now, then enjoy what you have and try not to worry yourself imagining futures. Most people's guesses about the future turn out to be wrong, but you can be pretty certain about the present. Enjoy it.
posted by nickji at 10:58 PM on October 23, 2011 [1 favorite]


It's all fine to say "just relax and enjoy it", but you are taking a real risk, and you know it. You do *have to* take the risk, but here's something you can do to make sure that, if things don't work out, you'll still be OK: make and maintain friendships, particularly with other women. It will help keep your life in perspective, so it's not all, always about him. Even if everything goes wonderfully, it's really good to have friends.

Since you're an introvert, I realize this might be challenging, but there are plenty of other introverts out there who could use a friend, too. If you can just be a little brave, and make time for some friends, your life can be much less scary.
posted by amtho at 11:12 PM on October 23, 2011 [2 favorites]


It sounds like you've met a good guy. As others have said, dont worry so much about the future. Enjoy the relationship. Its always possible that you will get very attached and then be heart broken. Its also possible that youll get very attached and then marry this guy. And its even possible that youll end up getting board with this guy and break his heart. Always better to have experienced love then not...regardless of what happens. One key thing that demonstrates how much he likes you is that he wants to introduce you to friends and family. This means he really likes you. So relax and have fun. As far as sex, do it when youre ready. A good guy wont pressure you. Of course he wants sex, all guys do. But youll know when youre ready. I definitely think this is the right guy to experience sex with. So when you are ready, go for it!
posted by ljs30 at 11:35 PM on October 23, 2011


Response by poster: make and maintain friendships, particularly with other women. It will help keep your life in perspective, so it's not all, always about him. Even if everything goes wonderfully, it's really good to have friends.

I've never had a close friend, and I'm not really sure how I would go about finding one. The only people I interact with on a regular basis are my family and people at work. I had some friends in high school and college, but I stopped talking to them after I was raped and left school. I'm not interested in getting back in touch with them.

The hours I work don't leave me any free time in the evenings, so that also makes it difficult to socialize with people who work a normal schedule. I will try harder to make friends when my schedule changes or I go back to school, but I don't know when that will be.




Thank you for all the answers so far.
posted by lali at 11:35 PM on October 23, 2011


Is it unreasonable to expect a guy his age to wait a while before having sex?

I'm in my 20s as well, though older than you, and I say, without a doubt, it is reasonable. It is reasonable for YOU to wait as long as it takes for you to wholeheartedly want to have sex. And it is reasonable for YOU to only be willing to date people who are okay with your boundaries.

If a guy doesn't want to wait that long to have sex, and he doesn't think that's reasonable, then that's fine for him, but it would NOT be reasonable for him to push that on you or pressure you.

If you run into an incompatibility like that, it's an incompatibility and it doesn't make you unreasonable and it doesn't make him unreasonable, as long as he's not pushing anything on you. It simply means that you aren't right with each other, and should part with respect and date other people.
posted by cairdeas at 1:13 AM on October 24, 2011 [2 favorites]


Life runs on long and winding rails, and we don't ever get to see whether all the signal lights ahead are green. So there's not much point worrying about them. Work with the ones you can see.

From what you've written, those are pretty much green.

The whole point of being in an intimate relationship is to have somebody in your life that you trust not to fuck it up for you even when you let down all the guards you can, and the point of doing that is so that you can find out just how beautiful it feels to be able to live with all of them down; to be around somebody it doesn't pay you to hide from.

Should I just relax and enjoy the time we spend together

Yes.

should I be worried that his infatuation is going to fade and I will end up disappointed and hurt

No. You need to go into this thing with your eyes open, which means acknowledging to yourself that any of those things you fear may well happen but that the risk of putting yourself in a position where they can is acceptable given the rewards available for choosing to do so.

Is it okay to allow myself to get attached to him?

Allowing a relationship the possibility of breaking your heart is your best strategy for conducting yourself in such a way as to minimize the chance of that happening. Obviously the fact that there's a person other than you involved puts half the conduct beyond your control, but if your half comes from a place of acceptance of and openness to all that life has to offer - including the shitty parts - then most of your life will be OK, the good parts will be really good, and the bad parts won't cloud you any longer than they absolutely need to.

Is it unreasonable to expect a guy his age to wait a while before having sex?

No.

It would probably pay you to readjust your definitional categories a little. Lots of young people have an idea in their heads that if his bits are not getting firmly wedged in her bits, then what they're having isn't sex, from which it follows that once what they're doing is sex then it's all going to be different and mind-blowing and a whole new level and achievement unlocked!

Doesn't actually work that way.

The only thing that turns partnered sex into something more interesting than masturbation is intimacy, and that's something that builds up over time as emotional guards and barriers fall away. The details of exactly what the plumbing is up to are actually only a small part of what's going on inside and between the two people involved, and the only part that small part that's worth making hard and bright rules around is the question of if and when to make children. All the rest is the two of you becoming progressively more comfortable with the kinds of reactions you're willing to let the other see, and learning the specific kinds of touch that produce those reactions. Good sex is all about permission.

Exactly what makes your relationship work will be unique to the two of you. Don't bother with "what do women/guys this age need/expect/want"; you don't have a generic partner, but a specific one, and its up to the two of you and nobody else to work out what you want to do with each other on any given day.

he's very kind and says all the right things, but I can't help wondering how he actually feels about my past

Step 1 is taking what he says at face value.

If the relationship is good, you'll get by without Step 2.
posted by flabdablet at 9:47 AM on October 24, 2011 [2 favorites]


sounds like you are very sweet and no need to worry about "being boring" and all. do try to progress in your relationship though. don't be afraid if the first time will not turn out well, if you don't try, how would you know? and love will give you enough time to improve and get over the fear.
posted by artofgiving at 12:16 AM on November 8, 2011


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