Sometimes it just never happens
October 14, 2011 11:21 PM Subscribe
How do you let go of regret and envy?
I have done so well with my inner growth and my physical health in the last few years. I am more content than I have ever been. I have a wonderful gay married wife of 11 years. I bought a house for my mother and moved her near to us 10 years ago, making life just better. I have worked hard to overcome my discomfort with making connections to people, and have made REAL efforts to spend time with the people I love, to make contact, to show up for important events. All things I hated and never did, and have been working on for a couple decades. Well, that all turned out great. There's just one last thing: my career envy and anger.
If I could let go of that, I think my work might be better and more true to me, and not be so focused on, "What did that asshole get? Why did they get that and not me?"
I am a writer. I am very much respected in my career. I have won a couple major awards. When I recently stood to ask a question at a large meeting of our union, the crowd of about 3000 broke out in applause and cheers. I am known as outspoken, especially on behalf of underdogs, or in matters of unfairness.
I am regarded as one of the best in my business. But, my career has floundered where others, who are much less talented, much more male, and much younger, achieve the one goal/success I have dreamed of my whole life. I used to believe that if I was talented enough, it wouldn't matter. In a way, it hasn't. I'm 55 and still viable in an arena of my industry where only 2% of working people are over 40. Still. I want to reach my one dream: a show I wrote and believe in, on the air.
As time goes by, this becomes less and less likely. I haven't been hired on a staff in 4 years, when it used to be a GIVEN that I would get 2 or 3 offers each season. Since then, I have been focusing on "development", pitching and writing pilot ideas. Again, I routinely sold 2 pitches a year. Last year: 1. This year: 0. My agent is excellent and very senior at a prestigious agency and a big fan and he fights for me. It's not him.
I am now faced with realizing that my time may never come. That's just the way it is. SOMETIMES, your moment just doesn't come. It just doesn't. I always thought I wouldn't be that person whose moment didn't come. But I might be. Despite how brilliant I am, how respected I am, how many OTHER shows I have been instrumental in shaping - for me the timing may never be right. And, in this business, timing and luck are ENORMOUS contributors. You need talent, but, you also need timing and luck. And it's INCREDIBLY hard to predict.
I can't let go of my dream. Yet, I think I have to in order to plan the next phase of my life. 55 is actually young, and I could do something else for 10-20 years. But, I hang on to my dream and fight because I am so pissed and furious that it didn't happen for me.
I want to figure out how to rid myself of my anger at this situation and also, my profound sadness at the fact that, things just didn't happen for me the way I dreamt and planned. It's hard to do because there's a lot of shame and sense of failure if I decide to turn my attention to something else. The feeling of: I was once great, but I squandered it. And: I'm a quitter.
So, knowing all that - how do I shake these last ugly feelings off? How do I get that one dark corner of my soul some light? Has anyone out there been able to do this? How did you achieve it? Also, please be gentle. This is humiliating for me and I'm trying to very hard to maintain my sense of self respect and dignity. I hold myself responsible for the solution to these negative feelings and I'm seeking wisdom from those who've been through it. Thanks.
I have done so well with my inner growth and my physical health in the last few years. I am more content than I have ever been. I have a wonderful gay married wife of 11 years. I bought a house for my mother and moved her near to us 10 years ago, making life just better. I have worked hard to overcome my discomfort with making connections to people, and have made REAL efforts to spend time with the people I love, to make contact, to show up for important events. All things I hated and never did, and have been working on for a couple decades. Well, that all turned out great. There's just one last thing: my career envy and anger.
If I could let go of that, I think my work might be better and more true to me, and not be so focused on, "What did that asshole get? Why did they get that and not me?"
I am a writer. I am very much respected in my career. I have won a couple major awards. When I recently stood to ask a question at a large meeting of our union, the crowd of about 3000 broke out in applause and cheers. I am known as outspoken, especially on behalf of underdogs, or in matters of unfairness.
I am regarded as one of the best in my business. But, my career has floundered where others, who are much less talented, much more male, and much younger, achieve the one goal/success I have dreamed of my whole life. I used to believe that if I was talented enough, it wouldn't matter. In a way, it hasn't. I'm 55 and still viable in an arena of my industry where only 2% of working people are over 40. Still. I want to reach my one dream: a show I wrote and believe in, on the air.
As time goes by, this becomes less and less likely. I haven't been hired on a staff in 4 years, when it used to be a GIVEN that I would get 2 or 3 offers each season. Since then, I have been focusing on "development", pitching and writing pilot ideas. Again, I routinely sold 2 pitches a year. Last year: 1. This year: 0. My agent is excellent and very senior at a prestigious agency and a big fan and he fights for me. It's not him.
I am now faced with realizing that my time may never come. That's just the way it is. SOMETIMES, your moment just doesn't come. It just doesn't. I always thought I wouldn't be that person whose moment didn't come. But I might be. Despite how brilliant I am, how respected I am, how many OTHER shows I have been instrumental in shaping - for me the timing may never be right. And, in this business, timing and luck are ENORMOUS contributors. You need talent, but, you also need timing and luck. And it's INCREDIBLY hard to predict.
I can't let go of my dream. Yet, I think I have to in order to plan the next phase of my life. 55 is actually young, and I could do something else for 10-20 years. But, I hang on to my dream and fight because I am so pissed and furious that it didn't happen for me.
I want to figure out how to rid myself of my anger at this situation and also, my profound sadness at the fact that, things just didn't happen for me the way I dreamt and planned. It's hard to do because there's a lot of shame and sense of failure if I decide to turn my attention to something else. The feeling of: I was once great, but I squandered it. And: I'm a quitter.
So, knowing all that - how do I shake these last ugly feelings off? How do I get that one dark corner of my soul some light? Has anyone out there been able to do this? How did you achieve it? Also, please be gentle. This is humiliating for me and I'm trying to very hard to maintain my sense of self respect and dignity. I hold myself responsible for the solution to these negative feelings and I'm seeking wisdom from those who've been through it. Thanks.
Best answer: The feeling of: I was once great, but I squandered it. And: I'm a quitter.
Welcome to most of my adulthood. I recently started writing again after a roughly 15-year writer's block (which had been punctuated by maybe a half dozen short bursts of productivity). My family explicitly expected me to win a Pulitzer Prize in my 20s -- 30s, tops. Yeah, guess how that turned out.
There is so much I didn't do because I was paralyzed by fear of failure, by fear of being anything less than perfect. It was because I believed for so long that my being lovable and fundamentally worthy was based on what I did, rather than who I am. This was profoundly, tragically backwards. I finally learned -- and in so doing, was able to finally open my hand that had been clutching the self-loathing and shame and anger that I had held for so long -- that we are not what we do; our worth is not measured by our output but rather by the qualities we manifest in our day-to-day lives.
To put it another way: there are a lot of assholes who get shows on the air, and a lot of hard-working, loving, compassionate people who never do. On your deathbed, which would you rather be?
posted by scody at 11:48 PM on October 14, 2011 [50 favorites]
Welcome to most of my adulthood. I recently started writing again after a roughly 15-year writer's block (which had been punctuated by maybe a half dozen short bursts of productivity). My family explicitly expected me to win a Pulitzer Prize in my 20s -- 30s, tops. Yeah, guess how that turned out.
There is so much I didn't do because I was paralyzed by fear of failure, by fear of being anything less than perfect. It was because I believed for so long that my being lovable and fundamentally worthy was based on what I did, rather than who I am. This was profoundly, tragically backwards. I finally learned -- and in so doing, was able to finally open my hand that had been clutching the self-loathing and shame and anger that I had held for so long -- that we are not what we do; our worth is not measured by our output but rather by the qualities we manifest in our day-to-day lives.
To put it another way: there are a lot of assholes who get shows on the air, and a lot of hard-working, loving, compassionate people who never do. On your deathbed, which would you rather be?
posted by scody at 11:48 PM on October 14, 2011 [50 favorites]
Response by poster: Scody, that helps. Honestly. This is exactly what I'm looking for.
posted by generic230 at 11:53 PM on October 14, 2011
posted by generic230 at 11:53 PM on October 14, 2011
Best answer: I think you need to remember your own words:
In this business, timing and luck are ENORMOUS contributors. You need talent, but, you also need timing and luck. And it's INCREDIBLY hard to predict.
That you have the talent is unquestioned. Recognize this, and remind yourself of the universe's fickle hand. You can do everything right and it may not happen. Unless there's a missing story, that "feeling" is just the curdled harsh inner voice that so many of us struggle to silence. Remember: IT LIES.
So you need to continue building those bridges to define yourself not by what you've achieved, but how your actions reflect your values - your compassion, your willingness to speak, take risks, and to love.
Or, you know, what scody said.
posted by canine epigram at 12:01 AM on October 15, 2011 [3 favorites]
In this business, timing and luck are ENORMOUS contributors. You need talent, but, you also need timing and luck. And it's INCREDIBLY hard to predict.
That you have the talent is unquestioned. Recognize this, and remind yourself of the universe's fickle hand. You can do everything right and it may not happen. Unless there's a missing story, that "feeling" is just the curdled harsh inner voice that so many of us struggle to silence. Remember: IT LIES.
So you need to continue building those bridges to define yourself not by what you've achieved, but how your actions reflect your values - your compassion, your willingness to speak, take risks, and to love.
Or, you know, what scody said.
posted by canine epigram at 12:01 AM on October 15, 2011 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I am SO not in The Business, but if you don't already, you might get something out of listening to Marc Maron's WTF. It features a huge number of very funny, very smart people who had some kind of show deal that just. didn't. happen. including Marc Maron himself. The most recent one with Jack Gallagher talked about this, as have several others,
posted by grapesaresour at 12:42 AM on October 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by grapesaresour at 12:42 AM on October 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Other people said some great specific stuff for you. I am nowhere close to your situation but I think I've experienced similar feelings which are probably very common.
I was always the bright one at school, did quite well at university, people always expected 'great things' and then it all fell apart a bit during my PhD and I had to have a long think about my life. I ended up going into a clinical profession and I love it, but along the way I had to let go of my perception of myself as being defined by being intelligent.
One book I found helpful was "Enough" by John Naish (UK book) which is about wanting less and therefore appreciating the things in your life more. It's partly a rant about advertising but there's a lot of stuff about general cultural expectations that anyone is capable of anything and that if you are talented enough and work hard enough you will achieve your goal. Sometimes it just doesn't happen for reasons you cannot control. That's disappointing at first but then it's very freeing.
My favourite paragraph from the book:
"Yes, your brain feels immotral; yes, it whispers that (in the poet Walt Whitman's words) you can contain multitudes; yes, your brain says that you can have it all and do everything. These egotistic inklings are all turned up loud and proud by consumer culture's persistent promises of infinite self-realisation. But in fact no, your brain isn't immortal and you can't have it all. Those are just convictions that your head evolved to persuade your body out of bed on damp mornings. We are human and limited, and we have to live within our lives' realistic limits for them to be sustainable and satisfiable. We can hit personal bests in our time but there will be many others things that we won't ever see, be, own or do. Enoughism requires us to accept that the carrot of infinite promise will always dangle just beyond our noses. Embracing this fact is a path to contentment."
(John Naish, Enough)
I hope some of that speaks to you.
posted by kadia_a at 12:44 AM on October 15, 2011 [28 favorites]
I was always the bright one at school, did quite well at university, people always expected 'great things' and then it all fell apart a bit during my PhD and I had to have a long think about my life. I ended up going into a clinical profession and I love it, but along the way I had to let go of my perception of myself as being defined by being intelligent.
One book I found helpful was "Enough" by John Naish (UK book) which is about wanting less and therefore appreciating the things in your life more. It's partly a rant about advertising but there's a lot of stuff about general cultural expectations that anyone is capable of anything and that if you are talented enough and work hard enough you will achieve your goal. Sometimes it just doesn't happen for reasons you cannot control. That's disappointing at first but then it's very freeing.
My favourite paragraph from the book:
"Yes, your brain feels immotral; yes, it whispers that (in the poet Walt Whitman's words) you can contain multitudes; yes, your brain says that you can have it all and do everything. These egotistic inklings are all turned up loud and proud by consumer culture's persistent promises of infinite self-realisation. But in fact no, your brain isn't immortal and you can't have it all. Those are just convictions that your head evolved to persuade your body out of bed on damp mornings. We are human and limited, and we have to live within our lives' realistic limits for them to be sustainable and satisfiable. We can hit personal bests in our time but there will be many others things that we won't ever see, be, own or do. Enoughism requires us to accept that the carrot of infinite promise will always dangle just beyond our noses. Embracing this fact is a path to contentment."
(John Naish, Enough)
I hope some of that speaks to you.
posted by kadia_a at 12:44 AM on October 15, 2011 [28 favorites]
Best answer: It really is about the journey. Really. And I think you've already figured that out and you just need to come to terms with the fact that your current goals are not the ones you thought they were.
If getting that show was your real goal you wouldn't even be here asking this question, you'd be working away at it. I think you're looking for permission to refocus and you've told us you discovered so many new things over the past decade that make you happy. I'm a random internet stranger but (since you asked) I thing it's totally OK to pursue those things now. You're not letting anyone down, including yourself. You also aren't letting go of your drive, you can kick ass at your new goals too.
posted by fshgrl at 12:45 AM on October 15, 2011
If getting that show was your real goal you wouldn't even be here asking this question, you'd be working away at it. I think you're looking for permission to refocus and you've told us you discovered so many new things over the past decade that make you happy. I'm a random internet stranger but (since you asked) I thing it's totally OK to pursue those things now. You're not letting anyone down, including yourself. You also aren't letting go of your drive, you can kick ass at your new goals too.
posted by fshgrl at 12:45 AM on October 15, 2011
Best answer: I could tell a story like yours with an earlier peak and greater humiliations than you've confessed to, yet you have my complete sympathy, because disappointment is disappointment. I recommend an overdose of Zen self-acceptance and releasement toward the world as it is: Peace is Every Step, Map of My Heart, etc.
Then, instead of turning your attention toward something else, open yourself wide up to the facts of how things have turned out. Own it all. You won't be able to laugh at all your disappointments right away, but laugh at what you can. Tell your friends funny stories about how much some pitch sucked in retrospect. Go out to dinner to celebrate failures. Balance your desire for success with pride in your humility and perseverance.
If you need to switch careers, that's fine, but it should be a strategic decision, not a new way to fail at getting ego rewards. Your ego needs to be safe regardless of the career you pursue, because career successes are way too often in the hands of people who don't care about you.
posted by Monsieur Caution at 12:48 AM on October 15, 2011 [3 favorites]
Then, instead of turning your attention toward something else, open yourself wide up to the facts of how things have turned out. Own it all. You won't be able to laugh at all your disappointments right away, but laugh at what you can. Tell your friends funny stories about how much some pitch sucked in retrospect. Go out to dinner to celebrate failures. Balance your desire for success with pride in your humility and perseverance.
If you need to switch careers, that's fine, but it should be a strategic decision, not a new way to fail at getting ego rewards. Your ego needs to be safe regardless of the career you pursue, because career successes are way too often in the hands of people who don't care about you.
posted by Monsieur Caution at 12:48 AM on October 15, 2011 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I can't let go of my dream. Yet, I think I have to in order to plan the next phase of my life. 55 is actually young, and I could do something else for 10-20 years. But, I hang on to my dream and fight because I am so pissed and furious that it didn't happen for me.
I want to figure out how to rid myself of my anger at this situation and also, my profound sadness at the fact that, things just didn't happen for me the way I dreamt and planned. It's hard to do because there's a lot of shame and sense of failure if I decide to turn my attention to something else. The feeling of: I was once great, but I squandered it. And: I'm a quitter.
Looking at the words I bolded, it's interesting. I feel from you this desire to do something else -- then this contradictory claim that what you're pursuing now is your dream -- then it sounds like the dream is not so much a dream but an expectation something you'd feel ashamed not to achieve, and to me shame suggests that the goals were originally imposed from the outside. I find myself wondering what this dream is really about: pleasing family, or what you really want to do.
Can you spend some time trying to think about what your actual desires are right now (Is it this dream? Is it moving on?) and about what this dream is all about (is it about proving your worth? to whom?).
posted by salvia at 1:55 AM on October 15, 2011
I want to figure out how to rid myself of my anger at this situation and also, my profound sadness at the fact that, things just didn't happen for me the way I dreamt and planned. It's hard to do because there's a lot of shame and sense of failure if I decide to turn my attention to something else. The feeling of: I was once great, but I squandered it. And: I'm a quitter.
Looking at the words I bolded, it's interesting. I feel from you this desire to do something else -- then this contradictory claim that what you're pursuing now is your dream -- then it sounds like the dream is not so much a dream but an expectation something you'd feel ashamed not to achieve, and to me shame suggests that the goals were originally imposed from the outside. I find myself wondering what this dream is really about: pleasing family, or what you really want to do.
Can you spend some time trying to think about what your actual desires are right now (Is it this dream? Is it moving on?) and about what this dream is all about (is it about proving your worth? to whom?).
posted by salvia at 1:55 AM on October 15, 2011
Best answer: This is going to sound awful, and I'm going to get lots of negative comments, I'm sure, but I know how rampant age discrimination is in the entertainment industry. Might it be possible to fulfill your dream if you make a few cosmetic adjustments? I'm not saying you should, but if this is really what you want most in your life, why not do everything possible to make it happen?
posted by 3491again at 2:04 AM on October 15, 2011
posted by 3491again at 2:04 AM on October 15, 2011
Response by poster: 3491 - Honey, you're being realistic. It's on the list.
posted by generic230 at 2:19 AM on October 15, 2011
posted by generic230 at 2:19 AM on October 15, 2011
Best answer: I came into this thread wanting to tell you "Do The Artist's Way! It changed my life!"
But. I'm not an artist. It certainly didn't suddenly make me a commercially successful creative person. And it's definitely possible that it would be trigger-y for you. So, I guess I won't recommend it. But. I will tell you that everything people have posted up-thread about accepting that life is a journey, and that you should appreciate yourself for who you are instead of what you do? Working through The Artist's Way was a big part of me (mostly) coming to terms with that. And helping me realize the multitude of ways my creativity is infused throughout my life.
posted by instamatic at 3:13 AM on October 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
But. I'm not an artist. It certainly didn't suddenly make me a commercially successful creative person. And it's definitely possible that it would be trigger-y for you. So, I guess I won't recommend it. But. I will tell you that everything people have posted up-thread about accepting that life is a journey, and that you should appreciate yourself for who you are instead of what you do? Working through The Artist's Way was a big part of me (mostly) coming to terms with that. And helping me realize the multitude of ways my creativity is infused throughout my life.
posted by instamatic at 3:13 AM on October 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
Best answer: If you got the show and it lasted a season or so, what would you do next? Consider doing that now.
Even if you do achieve your one-time dream, you'll still have a whole lot of life left to live and the joy from the achievement won't last as long as you think it will. So think about how you might fill the rest of your life and whether you could start doing them now.
I recommend the Naish book, and aldo Stumbling on Happiness.
posted by plonkee at 3:58 AM on October 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
Even if you do achieve your one-time dream, you'll still have a whole lot of life left to live and the joy from the achievement won't last as long as you think it will. So think about how you might fill the rest of your life and whether you could start doing them now.
I recommend the Naish book, and aldo Stumbling on Happiness.
posted by plonkee at 3:58 AM on October 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Unless this is an expensive sci-fi series with lots of special effects, is there any reason why you wouldn't be able to produce the show as a series of low-budget webcasts, and maybe release a DVD? You'd have more control of it. Or even if it is something expensive, maybe translate the story into webcomics or something in a different medium? You might even be able to get funds from websites like Kickstarter for your project.
You'd also be, if it matters to you, an inspiration for people who don't fit inside the "box."
I mean seriously, fuck whoever thinks you are not young or male enough. Perhaps you now have the opportunity to break through on your own terms. Maybe you won't get the same degree of financial reward and security, but you will get "cool" points for circumventing a largely idiotic industry (let's think about how long Arrested Development and Firefly were on the air compared to hundreds of unmentionable TV shows. Even if you're not a fan of those shows, they're about 100X better than the crap that doesn't get cancelled).
posted by The ____ of Justice at 4:27 AM on October 15, 2011 [2 favorites]
You'd also be, if it matters to you, an inspiration for people who don't fit inside the "box."
I mean seriously, fuck whoever thinks you are not young or male enough. Perhaps you now have the opportunity to break through on your own terms. Maybe you won't get the same degree of financial reward and security, but you will get "cool" points for circumventing a largely idiotic industry (let's think about how long Arrested Development and Firefly were on the air compared to hundreds of unmentionable TV shows. Even if you're not a fan of those shows, they're about 100X better than the crap that doesn't get cancelled).
posted by The ____ of Justice at 4:27 AM on October 15, 2011 [2 favorites]
Best answer: It's partly a rant about advertising but there's a lot of stuff about general cultural expectations that anyone is capable of anything and that if you are talented enough and work hard enough you will achieve your goal.
This. There are a lot of talented people in the world. There are a lot of people who work hard. And there are some lucky buggers too. The ones who seem to do the best, in my field, have enough talent and enough hard work and enough luck. If you're more talented, or work harder, and you don't get those breaks it can look really, really unfair, and it probably is.
A few years ago I was that obsessive hard worker with bags of talent who never got the right break. I made a change to another field entirely (from very analytical to very creative), one in which my background is so unusual that it's actually a bonus. Maybe people in my old field wonder what happened, why I seemed to just disappear, but it's been a real eye-opener to discover that what I thought I was "meant to be doing" was not all I could be doing. It's made it easier to adjust to having some decent achievements in my new field without necessarily needing to win a Pulitzer/win a Nobel/have a theory named after me (delete as appropriate). I'm less obsessed about having what I saw as the perfect career and seem to be doing better, actually.
You are more than that thing you do for a job. Going tangential to where you are now could be very rewarding.
posted by Cuppatea at 4:50 AM on October 15, 2011 [2 favorites]
This. There are a lot of talented people in the world. There are a lot of people who work hard. And there are some lucky buggers too. The ones who seem to do the best, in my field, have enough talent and enough hard work and enough luck. If you're more talented, or work harder, and you don't get those breaks it can look really, really unfair, and it probably is.
A few years ago I was that obsessive hard worker with bags of talent who never got the right break. I made a change to another field entirely (from very analytical to very creative), one in which my background is so unusual that it's actually a bonus. Maybe people in my old field wonder what happened, why I seemed to just disappear, but it's been a real eye-opener to discover that what I thought I was "meant to be doing" was not all I could be doing. It's made it easier to adjust to having some decent achievements in my new field without necessarily needing to win a Pulitzer/win a Nobel/have a theory named after me (delete as appropriate). I'm less obsessed about having what I saw as the perfect career and seem to be doing better, actually.
You are more than that thing you do for a job. Going tangential to where you are now could be very rewarding.
posted by Cuppatea at 4:50 AM on October 15, 2011 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: You people are the best. First of all, you're all up at 3am, which has been a godsend to me. Secondly, every new post I read helps me more. My heart feels better. It doesn't hurt as much, and there is really profound insight and wisdom here, all of which I am apparently ready for, because it is all resonating with me. Even fishgrl giving me permission. Damn, did I need that. It's like a gift. From a stranger.
I swear to god, people, I need all this wise shit right now at 4 am. This is the second most profound change I will make in my life. My SO's brain aneurysm 4 years ago was the most profound. And, boy, are you people coming through. Here's what I realized: I will have to grieve the loss of my dream. And that's okay. It deserves to be wept over. But, then, I'll turn to the next thing and I will still have a rich rewarding life, because of the love I have around me. No matter what I do, how much I make, I'll have the love of my life, my mother, my brothers, by best friends, my beautiful Armenian neighbor and his kids, who've proven, over the last several years, that they will be there in my darkest hours.
Secondly, I learned that the shame and humiliation is mine to decide. No one else can give it to me. I either take it on myself, or I don't. I'm not able to REALLY put that in practice yet, but, I can feel that it's true, and I just need time to accept that idea.
I'm in tears now, feel so ready to stop clinging desperately to what may never be, and now, at 4am, I'm thinking of all the things I COULD do that I would enjoy, that would HELP OTHERS, and that would give my life meaning. And, I have as much passion about that as writing. My favorite thing I have ever done in the business is hand hold and mentor baby writers. Six of them are now showrunners on hit shows. Emmy winners and talented, and I feel so proud of their achievements. (Sidenote: They cannot hire me, the networks have the clout in that department, and, believe it or not, you can't just hire your friends if the network doesn't want you to. I know, I've been on the hiring end and it was BRUTAL.) But, honestly, I'm like a mom: helping them was my gift, they owe me nothing but to go on and live THEIR dreams. Do good and be good people and live a good life. I get as much pleasure out of that as anything.
And then, last of all The___of Justice shows up and gives me hope again. He's right. I have talented director and editor friends from 20 years in the business who would help me with a web series.
This is some really schmaltzy bullshit I've just plastered on this page. But, I needed everything everyone say. I hope you'll understand that when I mark all of your comments as my favorite it's because, I have no choice. I believe in doing what's fair, and there isn't one thing said that hasn't helped me make it through this night.
Thank you. You guys did everything right. Please, don't stop posting, just because I'm starting to figure things out. I want to hear more about how other people have coped with this. It makes me feel safe and not alone and lights my hope flame again.
Just so you know - I won my Emmy for King of the Hill.
posted by generic230 at 5:01 AM on October 15, 2011 [15 favorites]
I swear to god, people, I need all this wise shit right now at 4 am. This is the second most profound change I will make in my life. My SO's brain aneurysm 4 years ago was the most profound. And, boy, are you people coming through. Here's what I realized: I will have to grieve the loss of my dream. And that's okay. It deserves to be wept over. But, then, I'll turn to the next thing and I will still have a rich rewarding life, because of the love I have around me. No matter what I do, how much I make, I'll have the love of my life, my mother, my brothers, by best friends, my beautiful Armenian neighbor and his kids, who've proven, over the last several years, that they will be there in my darkest hours.
Secondly, I learned that the shame and humiliation is mine to decide. No one else can give it to me. I either take it on myself, or I don't. I'm not able to REALLY put that in practice yet, but, I can feel that it's true, and I just need time to accept that idea.
I'm in tears now, feel so ready to stop clinging desperately to what may never be, and now, at 4am, I'm thinking of all the things I COULD do that I would enjoy, that would HELP OTHERS, and that would give my life meaning. And, I have as much passion about that as writing. My favorite thing I have ever done in the business is hand hold and mentor baby writers. Six of them are now showrunners on hit shows. Emmy winners and talented, and I feel so proud of their achievements. (Sidenote: They cannot hire me, the networks have the clout in that department, and, believe it or not, you can't just hire your friends if the network doesn't want you to. I know, I've been on the hiring end and it was BRUTAL.) But, honestly, I'm like a mom: helping them was my gift, they owe me nothing but to go on and live THEIR dreams. Do good and be good people and live a good life. I get as much pleasure out of that as anything.
And then, last of all The___of Justice shows up and gives me hope again. He's right. I have talented director and editor friends from 20 years in the business who would help me with a web series.
This is some really schmaltzy bullshit I've just plastered on this page. But, I needed everything everyone say. I hope you'll understand that when I mark all of your comments as my favorite it's because, I have no choice. I believe in doing what's fair, and there isn't one thing said that hasn't helped me make it through this night.
Thank you. You guys did everything right. Please, don't stop posting, just because I'm starting to figure things out. I want to hear more about how other people have coped with this. It makes me feel safe and not alone and lights my hope flame again.
Just so you know - I won my Emmy for King of the Hill.
posted by generic230 at 5:01 AM on October 15, 2011 [15 favorites]
(It probably has been said in other ways by lots of people above...) For me the image to avoid is trying to get through the wall where there is no door, pressing so hard that you don't see that there in fact is door a few inches to the side.
I'm a musician, and I spent decades of my life trying to chase some dreams of achievement, most of which I later realized to be internalized expectations from my surrounding, from my education, from my field. Right now, I'm more or less only doing such gigs that I find worth my attention, which is less than my ambition of yore dictated me, but makes me substantially less frightened and nervous about my progress. Letting go made me a better musician and a better person.
Then, at 38, I veered off into research. Now, everyone will tell you that a second career in musicology is about the stupidest thing you can imagine doing, but hey, I had fun and also: so what. And I had this silly idea of being able to publish a book about my research, about which I talked to nobody. In terms of planning and ambitions, this was the least pushy and most playful thing I have done so far. Also, I'm pretty lazy. The only thing I did do: I gave the work itself a lot of attention, when I was working. My book came out last year.
posted by Namlit at 5:20 AM on October 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
I'm a musician, and I spent decades of my life trying to chase some dreams of achievement, most of which I later realized to be internalized expectations from my surrounding, from my education, from my field. Right now, I'm more or less only doing such gigs that I find worth my attention, which is less than my ambition of yore dictated me, but makes me substantially less frightened and nervous about my progress. Letting go made me a better musician and a better person.
Then, at 38, I veered off into research. Now, everyone will tell you that a second career in musicology is about the stupidest thing you can imagine doing, but hey, I had fun and also: so what. And I had this silly idea of being able to publish a book about my research, about which I talked to nobody. In terms of planning and ambitions, this was the least pushy and most playful thing I have done so far. Also, I'm pretty lazy. The only thing I did do: I gave the work itself a lot of attention, when I was working. My book came out last year.
posted by Namlit at 5:20 AM on October 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
I've done a little bit of the whole giving myself permission to let go of a dream that was part of my identity, and one of the things that helped was going backpacking, just for a fortnight, and meeting people who didn't know me for what I did, and not mentioning it at all in the process of making these new friends, and seeing that wow, I would have been OK all that time, even if I'd never even done any of it, if I'd never even achieved the little things I'd achieved. There's a lot more to me, and there's a lot more to you too.
posted by lifethatihavenotlivedyet at 5:34 AM on October 15, 2011
posted by lifethatihavenotlivedyet at 5:34 AM on October 15, 2011
OK, so here's my take, with a largish dose of Buddhism in it. The past and future don't exist. The former is memory, and the latter is imagination. The only "real time" you have is the moment where you are (reading this, as it happens). This doesn't mean that you can't learn from the past or take steps to work toward a future you would prefer, but, if you are always comparing your current situation to the past (which is usually more glorious in memory than it was at the time) or your preferred future (which will always be better than the future you actually get, if only because you didn't imagine your sore feet or that little headache you'll have), this moment will never seem as good as it actually is.
I took a 10 year detour to get to my career. That has a substantial impact on my financial future, my options, all sorts of things. I occasionally get mad at myself for that, but I pretty quickly get to "but that is how I got here." I was really good at what I was doing, even if it was a detour (whatever that means; it was the road I took), and I was passionate about it for 7 or so of the years I was doing it, and those experiences get fed into the process that remakes my self every instance, so where would I be without them? How can I regret the only past I have? What is the point in longing for or dreading the only future I will have?
SO I deal with rage and envy by doing the best I can do, working toward the future I want, and trying to spend as much of my attention on the moment I am in as I can, because anything else is wasting my attention. Don't know if that will help you, but it's what I've got. At the moment.
posted by GenjiandProust at 6:51 AM on October 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
I took a 10 year detour to get to my career. That has a substantial impact on my financial future, my options, all sorts of things. I occasionally get mad at myself for that, but I pretty quickly get to "but that is how I got here." I was really good at what I was doing, even if it was a detour (whatever that means; it was the road I took), and I was passionate about it for 7 or so of the years I was doing it, and those experiences get fed into the process that remakes my self every instance, so where would I be without them? How can I regret the only past I have? What is the point in longing for or dreading the only future I will have?
SO I deal with rage and envy by doing the best I can do, working toward the future I want, and trying to spend as much of my attention on the moment I am in as I can, because anything else is wasting my attention. Don't know if that will help you, but it's what I've got. At the moment.
posted by GenjiandProust at 6:51 AM on October 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
It seems like it’s not so much the death of the dream that is causing you so much pain, it is the wound to your ego that hurts. Are you willing to be professionally unhappy for another minute, just because your inner two-year-old is angry that you are not as special as you expected to be? I don’t say this to be snide, my own inner two-year-old has thrown that same tantrum on many occasions so I get it, I really do.
I’ll spare you the long story, but suffice it to say that I’ve had to come to terms with not only not realizing my “big dream”, but not even having the consolation of being anything special in my personal life or achieving any sort of success in my mundane professional life in spite of being just as smart, skilled and hardworking as most of the people in my office whose jobs are more interesting, challenging and pay more than mine. I’m mostly not too angry about it anymore, and for me it has been a matter of counting my blessings (which really are considerable,) pursuing other interests for the sake of enjoyment rather than success, and trying to be just a bit more humble overall. It’s actually rather enriching on a spiritual level, even if I’d still sometimes just a tiny bit rather be impressive than spiritually mature. (I’m a work in progress.)
I hang on to my dream and fight because I am so pissed and furious that it didn't happen for me.
If you are enjoying what you are doing enough that you find it satisfying for its own sake, even if you never get a show out of it, that’s one thing… keep going and more power to you. But it sounds to me like time and lack of success in this one area has pretty much sucked the joy out of it for you.
It sounds to me that if you decide to continue to pursue this dream, you are going to be spending the next x-number of years angrily grinding out work you don’t find satisfying anymore, even as your chances of succeeding become smaller and smaller due to your age. That sounds like a recipe for bitterness, and really, you don’t want to taint your otherwise sweet life with that.
If you can just accept that you are done with this dream, you'll free yourself to move on to something fresh and exciting for you. There is real peace in acceptance… peace and freedom. It feels amazing to stop carrying around the dead dream that has been making you frustrated and miserable, and start putting your energy into something new that you can approach with genuine enthusiasm.
Sometimes it just doesn’t happen.
The truth is, most of the time it just doesn’t happen. The world is full to overflowing of people who for one reason or another couldn’t make their dream come true. Who in the world had a dream of becoming a janitor? How many kids wanted to be a purchasing agent or a secretary or furniture salesman when they grew up? Some of these people actually like what they do and some don’t, some have happy lives anyway and some don’t, but you have an abundance of ingredients to be one of the happy ones.
Count your blessings, like you did in the first paragraph, but leave off the “there’s just one thing.” Your life is amazing by most people’s standards. You have family and love and financial success, you have brains and talent, you have the respect and admiration of your peers, etc. Your ego feels wounded, but it needn’t be. If you feel shame with all that you’ve achieved, how are the rest of us supposed to feel? You’re better than most, not as good as a few, and it’s not only ok… it’s way better than ok. It's awesome.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 6:57 AM on October 15, 2011 [3 favorites]
I’ll spare you the long story, but suffice it to say that I’ve had to come to terms with not only not realizing my “big dream”, but not even having the consolation of being anything special in my personal life or achieving any sort of success in my mundane professional life in spite of being just as smart, skilled and hardworking as most of the people in my office whose jobs are more interesting, challenging and pay more than mine. I’m mostly not too angry about it anymore, and for me it has been a matter of counting my blessings (which really are considerable,) pursuing other interests for the sake of enjoyment rather than success, and trying to be just a bit more humble overall. It’s actually rather enriching on a spiritual level, even if I’d still sometimes just a tiny bit rather be impressive than spiritually mature. (I’m a work in progress.)
I hang on to my dream and fight because I am so pissed and furious that it didn't happen for me.
If you are enjoying what you are doing enough that you find it satisfying for its own sake, even if you never get a show out of it, that’s one thing… keep going and more power to you. But it sounds to me like time and lack of success in this one area has pretty much sucked the joy out of it for you.
It sounds to me that if you decide to continue to pursue this dream, you are going to be spending the next x-number of years angrily grinding out work you don’t find satisfying anymore, even as your chances of succeeding become smaller and smaller due to your age. That sounds like a recipe for bitterness, and really, you don’t want to taint your otherwise sweet life with that.
If you can just accept that you are done with this dream, you'll free yourself to move on to something fresh and exciting for you. There is real peace in acceptance… peace and freedom. It feels amazing to stop carrying around the dead dream that has been making you frustrated and miserable, and start putting your energy into something new that you can approach with genuine enthusiasm.
Sometimes it just doesn’t happen.
The truth is, most of the time it just doesn’t happen. The world is full to overflowing of people who for one reason or another couldn’t make their dream come true. Who in the world had a dream of becoming a janitor? How many kids wanted to be a purchasing agent or a secretary or furniture salesman when they grew up? Some of these people actually like what they do and some don’t, some have happy lives anyway and some don’t, but you have an abundance of ingredients to be one of the happy ones.
Count your blessings, like you did in the first paragraph, but leave off the “there’s just one thing.” Your life is amazing by most people’s standards. You have family and love and financial success, you have brains and talent, you have the respect and admiration of your peers, etc. Your ego feels wounded, but it needn’t be. If you feel shame with all that you’ve achieved, how are the rest of us supposed to feel? You’re better than most, not as good as a few, and it’s not only ok… it’s way better than ok. It's awesome.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 6:57 AM on October 15, 2011 [3 favorites]
Do you watch Goodnight, Burbank? Hayden couldn't get cast in anything he liked, so he made his own show. I also know writers who segued into reality (yes, it's tacky), talk, and documentary, both as creators and writer/producers.
Also--would you consider teaching, at either a place like PCC or UCLA Extension or your own sort of seminar? Spreading your knowledge around is not only satisfying, it's a way of keeping yourself in the zeitgeist. And, social media can also be away of keeping yourself current, as well as keeping people knowledgeable about you and your goings-on. (Ken Levine, for example, although he's quite a bit older than you are.)
It's hard to let go of a dream, but when you consider how many people would give an appendage to have even the opportunities you've had, much less the career you forged, it might make it a bit easier. Show biz is male and young, and while that might change, not likely any time soon.
And what about a book? Memoir, novel, short stories? You've got lots to share.
posted by Ideefixe at 7:51 AM on October 15, 2011
Also--would you consider teaching, at either a place like PCC or UCLA Extension or your own sort of seminar? Spreading your knowledge around is not only satisfying, it's a way of keeping yourself in the zeitgeist. And, social media can also be away of keeping yourself current, as well as keeping people knowledgeable about you and your goings-on. (Ken Levine, for example, although he's quite a bit older than you are.)
It's hard to let go of a dream, but when you consider how many people would give an appendage to have even the opportunities you've had, much less the career you forged, it might make it a bit easier. Show biz is male and young, and while that might change, not likely any time soon.
And what about a book? Memoir, novel, short stories? You've got lots to share.
posted by Ideefixe at 7:51 AM on October 15, 2011
King of the Hill rocked.
I too have had to let go of dreams and past ideas of "who I was," as I changed fields and reinvented myself as the years passed. But the core of who I was - my gifts, my flaws, what I valued - remained the same.
I left a highly prestigious Pd program with a full ride over a decade ago, because I didn't have advisors who could guide me in the topic I wanted to pursue, I didn't know the questions to ask, and I was isolated and left to sink or swim. It took years before I could even talk about it. But, with the benefit of over a decade of distance and reflection, I learned many, many valuable things about who I was and what I needed in my life and in my work.
I wandered through a few other careers, and after completing another graduate program, I'm in my salad days of a new career that I'm both thrilled and terrified by. And I realized something:
Nothing is ever lost.
All those experiences... not only did they lead me here, but they guide me in ways I could have never predicted. Even my mistakes. Sometimes, especially my mistakes.
This thread is a testimonial that people's lives are rarely a single narrative arc, but a messy improvised story that we tell and re-tell ourselves (and others) as we go.
We have to come to terms with our own human foibles and the fickle hand of fate. Sometimes we mess up. Sometimes through no fault of our own, we fall.
What matters is getting up. Reflecting on our experiences. Lastly, and this is the hardest part - finding a way to practice compassion and loving kindness towards ourselves. It's a life's work, it truly is.
posted by canine epigram at 7:55 AM on October 15, 2011 [6 favorites]
I too have had to let go of dreams and past ideas of "who I was," as I changed fields and reinvented myself as the years passed. But the core of who I was - my gifts, my flaws, what I valued - remained the same.
I left a highly prestigious Pd program with a full ride over a decade ago, because I didn't have advisors who could guide me in the topic I wanted to pursue, I didn't know the questions to ask, and I was isolated and left to sink or swim. It took years before I could even talk about it. But, with the benefit of over a decade of distance and reflection, I learned many, many valuable things about who I was and what I needed in my life and in my work.
I wandered through a few other careers, and after completing another graduate program, I'm in my salad days of a new career that I'm both thrilled and terrified by. And I realized something:
Nothing is ever lost.
All those experiences... not only did they lead me here, but they guide me in ways I could have never predicted. Even my mistakes. Sometimes, especially my mistakes.
This thread is a testimonial that people's lives are rarely a single narrative arc, but a messy improvised story that we tell and re-tell ourselves (and others) as we go.
We have to come to terms with our own human foibles and the fickle hand of fate. Sometimes we mess up. Sometimes through no fault of our own, we fall.
What matters is getting up. Reflecting on our experiences. Lastly, and this is the hardest part - finding a way to practice compassion and loving kindness towards ourselves. It's a life's work, it truly is.
posted by canine epigram at 7:55 AM on October 15, 2011 [6 favorites]
You are just having a moment. I can tell that you don't REALLY buy into the whole media-driven cultural machine that tells us that 55 is washed up. Artists improve with age. The fact that you might be passed over for some things right now doesn't mean anything. It is temporary. Beautiful young people do indeed get things handed to them on a platter (in every industry)...but your edge is maturity and wisdom.
You should try something 100% new to go after to reboot your desire. Throw yourself into something that you have been neglecting (because of your work). Maybe you need to lose weight or perhaps you would be a great stand up comic...just think about doing something all together new and out of your comfort zone...(for FUN) you owe it to yourself to completely enjoy your life! :)
posted by naplesyellow at 10:18 AM on October 15, 2011
You should try something 100% new to go after to reboot your desire. Throw yourself into something that you have been neglecting (because of your work). Maybe you need to lose weight or perhaps you would be a great stand up comic...just think about doing something all together new and out of your comfort zone...(for FUN) you owe it to yourself to completely enjoy your life! :)
posted by naplesyellow at 10:18 AM on October 15, 2011
This is a fascinating thread for me because a lot of these fears you are facing now are the same ones I have now for myself at 28 when I am considering quitting my job to pursue my doing something on my own (which I don't even know what it would be yet since I don't have energy to even figure that out in said current job).
In some ways, it is reassuring to see there are others like myself--we're all human. A period of mourning for your current situation might be in need, but I think what else is needed is your decision to fight or find something new. If you want to fight, don't hold back. Go all out and do whatever the young, ambitious folks who are stealing these jobs are doing to get the work.
I'm also wondering if your outspokenness has given you a reputation that networks don't want to deal with? Or maybe you made some enemies down the line? Given how relationship-based your industry is that could definitely be a factor. Of course the other major one at hand now is how much damn cheaper all these young unknown folks are. Never discount the power of the mighty dollar.
posted by Elminster24 at 10:39 AM on October 15, 2011
In some ways, it is reassuring to see there are others like myself--we're all human. A period of mourning for your current situation might be in need, but I think what else is needed is your decision to fight or find something new. If you want to fight, don't hold back. Go all out and do whatever the young, ambitious folks who are stealing these jobs are doing to get the work.
I'm also wondering if your outspokenness has given you a reputation that networks don't want to deal with? Or maybe you made some enemies down the line? Given how relationship-based your industry is that could definitely be a factor. Of course the other major one at hand now is how much damn cheaper all these young unknown folks are. Never discount the power of the mighty dollar.
posted by Elminster24 at 10:39 AM on October 15, 2011
I'm your age with a similiar success profile and my own relationship and career regrets and missed dreams. And, I'm 2 days out of hospital after surgery for 4th recurrence of breast cancer. I cried with happiness this morning because I was able to brush my teeth for the first time in 8 days with my right hand (the side of the surgery). I whooped in the shower because it's the first time in 5 months I needed to use shampoo -- I finally have an inch of hair all over my head. I sliced bread for gorgeous sandwiches -- my daughters were both miraculously under my roof together for lunch. And I'm excited for tomorrow morning -- I'll be walking the dog myself for the first time in 9 days. I am literally counting the wins by the hour. And that's all there is for me, today, and it's an abundance.
posted by thinkpiece at 1:42 PM on October 15, 2011 [5 favorites]
posted by thinkpiece at 1:42 PM on October 15, 2011 [5 favorites]
Random BS
Take yourself out of the circuit and work on creating your own thing in your own way
I am doing that with yoga. I am not a female hottie, a former dancer who was limber to begin with, a former drug addict who was reborn through yoga, a male guru who spouts spiritual pablum or want to teach Oprah's version of what yoga should be. Whether I succeed or fail is kind of irrelevant. I really don't want anyone telling me how I am supposed to die. The dreams are out there. They're not going to go away. They are always going to be out there. I am fine with that.
There are many times where I think I am a mess and have accomplished nothing. I do things that are ineffable. And then I look and view what's happened so far in this material body and see how well I've been provided for and how things have come along for the right times and I think "Hell, I might as well keep going til I leave"
BTW, it looks as if I've gotten the things I've wanted by not trying for them.
Think less of speaking out for the underdog and more for you. Sometime the dogs need to learn how to speak for themselves. Going on your own will do that. And trust me, you are going to hate that for awhile until you realize they don't need you after all.
Tom Robbins said once, " I don't have a career. I have a careen"
Life isn't supposed to be perfect, even, straight line. It's messy, splattered, screwy, dumbfounding and fucking magical beyond belief. Whatever you do you are not going to fuck up even if you fuck up.
posted by goalyeehah at 2:44 PM on October 15, 2011
Take yourself out of the circuit and work on creating your own thing in your own way
I am doing that with yoga. I am not a female hottie, a former dancer who was limber to begin with, a former drug addict who was reborn through yoga, a male guru who spouts spiritual pablum or want to teach Oprah's version of what yoga should be. Whether I succeed or fail is kind of irrelevant. I really don't want anyone telling me how I am supposed to die. The dreams are out there. They're not going to go away. They are always going to be out there. I am fine with that.
There are many times where I think I am a mess and have accomplished nothing. I do things that are ineffable. And then I look and view what's happened so far in this material body and see how well I've been provided for and how things have come along for the right times and I think "Hell, I might as well keep going til I leave"
BTW, it looks as if I've gotten the things I've wanted by not trying for them.
Think less of speaking out for the underdog and more for you. Sometime the dogs need to learn how to speak for themselves. Going on your own will do that. And trust me, you are going to hate that for awhile until you realize they don't need you after all.
Tom Robbins said once, " I don't have a career. I have a careen"
Life isn't supposed to be perfect, even, straight line. It's messy, splattered, screwy, dumbfounding and fucking magical beyond belief. Whatever you do you are not going to fuck up even if you fuck up.
posted by goalyeehah at 2:44 PM on October 15, 2011
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posted by joannemullen at 11:31 PM on October 14, 2011 [1 favorite]