Friendship to relationship without force.

October 3, 2011 10:18 AM

Help me gracefully manage this situation. A new guy friend of mine has a total crush on me. I am unsure if I like him back in that way, but think there could eventually be major potential. But not yet.

After going through quite the bumpy ride of breakupsville, soul-searchingville and now datingville, I decided to join a fitness enthusiast group late this summer to meet some new like-minded friends and get out of the house. I've been a member of this group since July and have managed to make some pretty awesome new friends. As a single thirtysomething female, this makes me happy because many of them are in a similar boat so we've all been spending lots of time together working out and hanging out in a group and sometimes one on one.

Anyway, one guy in particular has taken a liking to me. He is a sweetheart, and normally is not the type of guy I would go for physically. He's also a little shy, whereas I'm extremely outgoing. He's 8 years older than me, but has a pretty awesome life and is a good person. Most of all he is FUNNY, and I'm the type of person who requires laughter in most situations - it's critical to me. He's supportive, nice, fiscally responsible, in good shape, the list goes on.

So, I've known him for about 3ish months now and a few of us were having dinner at a pub post workout last night. Once we all settled the tab, me and the guy walked together for a bit because we were both heading in the same direction home (we live in a major city). When it was time to part, I hugged him and I thought for a moment he was going to kiss me. Anyway, just the two of us are getting together tomorrow night for drinks and chit chat, and I'm nervous that he's going to make a move.

Here's the thing - I'm attracted to this guy except in the physical sense. There's no limerance but we have this pretty solid friendship forming. I have a wonderful time laughing and bantering on with him and we seem to have a lot in common. I really haven't noticed major pangs of romantic chemistry, but I don't want to rule it out because it feels like it COULD happen for me. However, I feel really shallow in saying that he's just not the physical type I go for at all, but again, in every other sense there's total potential.

Anyway, I'm worried that he's going to say something/make a move tomorrow night, and I COULD see myself eventually dating him/falling in love/being serious with him, but just not yet. I kind of want to keep hanging out as we have been and see how things develop. I really want to take things slow and I'm certainly not ready to slap any labels on anything or be exclusive. But I don't want to close that door! I want to see if something develops!

I know I seem to be freaking out about something that may not and has not happened, but I want to be prepared just in case. How do I manage this situation gracefully? My plan was to not bring any of this up unless he brings it up, obviously, but I want to have a justincaseplan. I like him, I want to see where things go, but I want to be laid back about it and take things slow while enjoying our friendship and better yet, if it evolves into something bigger. What do I say if this happens that will articulate how I'm feeling and not crush his soul?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (20 answers total)

Plate. Of. Beans.

Have fun. Mister Perfect doesn't exist, neither does his life partner. If it feels good, if he makes you happy, go for it. If you're looking for the long haul right now, extreme intimacy should come down the road.

E.G.-you should want to screw him, not his phenotype.
posted by TomMelee at 10:24 AM on October 3, 2011 [3 favorites]

You've articulated things well -- I think your instincts that he wants to make the move are right on. Especially if he's older than you are. He's probably got some confidence around this kind of thing. Or, if he's really cool, he's already sensed you are "not ready" and will be hanging back, waiting for signals from you. That's pretty sophisticated, but if he does that, he really is awesome. So, I would tell him everything you've said here EXCEPT the not-physically-attracted part. As many other posters will say, it's the darnedest thing and happens when you least expect it. Maybe the non-attraction part is a maturing, learning post-breakup lever that is just not ready to be flipped ... yet. Like you said, don't close the door!
posted by thinkpiece at 10:26 AM on October 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

You deserve someone you are attracted to and he deserves someone who is attracted to him. Turn him down gracefully and if you do find yourself attracted to him in the future, then see if he is willing to pick it up again.
posted by Blasdelb at 10:26 AM on October 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

Just kiss him because you may be pleasantly surprised.

2nd point: You're overplanning.
posted by moiraine at 10:28 AM on October 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

Kiss him, and see if you feel any chemistry. I didn't know my husband was, indeed, my type until I made out with him (for, uh, a few hours).
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 10:30 AM on October 3, 2011 [7 favorites]

I concur. Give him a shot. (Whatever that phrase may mean to you.) If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out, but it's the only way you'll know for sure.
posted by Sys Rq at 10:44 AM on October 3, 2011

The reason you date someone is to see if the person you like can become the person you love. You don't do a complete checklist before date 1. You already like a lot about him and there's far more pros than cons, so why not give it a try?

And don't feel like you'd be "crushing his soul" if it didn't work out. That's too much pressure to put on any situation. Just express how you're feeling (without telling him about the "I don't find you my physical type" thing) and go from there. If you're honest with him an he's honest with you, then you really stand to have a good experience no matter what the eventual outcome.
posted by inturnaround at 11:07 AM on October 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

Have you ever found that physical attraction has grown on you? Personally I never have; I'm either attracted or I'm not. But if you think there is a real possibility you could become attracted to him, then there's nothing wrong with putting out a hand to stop him as he homes in for a smooch, and explaining, "Oh, Murgatroyd, I'm just not sure yet. Can we give this some time?"

It may not work out, but that's life.
posted by tel3path at 11:09 AM on October 3, 2011 [3 favorites]

You're both adults. Give it a shot and don't worry about "crushing his soul." I got into a brief relationship with someone who wasn't my type because we figured it was worth trying out and, if it didn't work out, we're both grown up enough that we can handle that. It didn't. But, even though I was sad for a day after she dumped me, we went into it with a "nothing ventured, nothing gained" attitude, and she let me down in a very logical way (similar to the mega-favorited comment linked above), and I'm over it. Give him a chance; see if he surprises you, and if he doesn't, oh well.
posted by moviehawk at 12:15 PM on October 3, 2011

I think it would be perfectly appropriate to just tell him if/when he tries to kiss you that you're not sure whether you have those feelings for him yet, but that you're not ruling out the possibility. "I really want to take things slow and I'm certainly not ready to slap any labels on anything or be exclusive" is a pretty clear statement of intention. You can say that whether you choose to kiss him now or not.
posted by callmejay at 12:33 PM on October 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

The last time I decided to give a guy a "try" despite the fact I wasn't really feeling any physical attraction, I ended up dating him for two years. He turned out to be an asshole, but that's beside the point.

If you like him otherwise, if you're feeling a "click," if you love how he makes you laugh, give it a try. Since the friendship is fresh, you don't really have that much to lose. I'd say it's worth a shot to let him make an advance. Now, if his advance is too forward, you can go ahead and tell him to slow down. But the lack of physical attraction now doesn't necessarily mean he should go into the no-date pile, IMO.
posted by litnerd at 12:37 PM on October 3, 2011

Different perspective: My policy is that anything less than a "yes" from my inner voice is a no. This policy has served me well in most areas of life, but especially dating. Don't be flirtly or encouraging, don't be too friendly. If he already has mega limerance for you- and you know this best, but if he's also just sort of the hopeless romantic optimist type- then you need not fear putting the brakes on his feelings by backing off a bit.

Then, wait. If he asks, it's a gentle no and a very watered down explanation without the terms "not attracted" and without leading him on. Stay friends unless it's too painful for him, and if it is- well, you lose some. It probably won't be, though, and that gives you time to keep the door open.

If you feel afraid that you need to rush into something to avoid losing him, then he's not the one.
posted by Nixy at 12:57 PM on October 3, 2011 [5 favorites]

don't lead him on if you know he wants a relationship, and you know he's into you, but you're not into him that way. you'd be abusing your attraction to him to get his companionship.
posted by cupcake1337 at 1:01 PM on October 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

I totally concur with PhobiWanKenobi's advice above - if he moves in for the kiss, let him, and see where it takes you. If a greater spark isn't lit, then no harm, no foul.

I think people in general are a) too dismissive of potential partners if they don't feel the earth move immediately, and b) too scared of 'ruining the friendship'. Truly, it is not the end of the world to share some kisses and then decide it's not a good fit. Unless the guy in question is a teenager or a psychopath, he'll get over any momentary embarrassment and move on with his life.

Allow yourself the delicious possibility of something wonderful! Good luck...
posted by widdershins at 1:25 PM on October 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

Are you the sort of person who falls in love/becomes attracted slowly and gradually? If so, then go out with him. If you are not that sort and usually do not become sexually attracted to someone later, then don't date him. If you like him every way BUT physically and he likes you Like That, don't go there, don't try to talk yourself into wanting to boink him when you don't. That does no one any favors.
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:54 PM on October 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

What's your long term goal? A guy who's really nice, and makes you laugh, is likely to generate some heat as and if you develop a relationship. The kind of heat that lasts.
posted by theora55 at 3:30 PM on October 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

You have to be 100% honest and say no. You can't control him.

this is how people get led on. Seeing a male friend do it to a woman this minute. its not good.
posted by Ironmouth at 4:51 PM on October 3, 2011 [2 favorites]

Definitely just be honest with him, and continue being honest with yourself. Please trust your instinct, which it sounds like is pretty clearly telling you, "not right, not right now". You framed your question in a way that makes it seem like you feel like you should go for him because he's got so many qualities that you are looking for, and you're trying to reconcile that with your instinct, which maybe is feeling something that's most easily characterized as "no physical attraction" but which may well be something which you just can't quite name right now. That doesn't mean it doesn't count as a legitimate reason to not rush into something just because wants to.
posted by gubenuj at 7:53 PM on October 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

True story: A friend of mine had the hots for a girl, and when he tried to make a move she said to him "lets be friends and let things progress to a relationship if thats how its going". All he heard was "lets be friends ... blah blah blah relationship!". So, for 2 years he clung to this idea that she would come around... after all, their last conversation about it was that after friends comes relationships.

During that 2 years he became obsessed with her. Everything she did was a sign that she may or may not be ready to move beyond friends. He talked about it for hours and hours and hours... not with her though. Meanwhile she was blissfully unaware of any of this. Until...

My birthday. They both came out for dinner with another group of friends. She saw a guy there she fancied and spent the evening flirtatiously chatting him up. My obsessed friend went... crazy. Started a huge argument at the restaurant. For two days calling people at 3am, writing long crazy emails that made the unabomber look like an amateur, texting people at all hours etc ... crazy.

Morale of this true story - don't lead him on. You can certainly put things on hold to wait to see how they pan out, but if you do that for the love of all things good TELL HIM when you know you aren't into him. Not just for him. For his friends who will hear all about it too.
posted by Admira at 1:08 AM on October 4, 2011 [3 favorites]

It's not shallow to not be into a dude who isn't your type! In my experience that's not something that can be forced. I get not wanting to "ruin the friendship," but it also sounds like this is a relatively new friendship and that you're still meeting tons of awesome people. A lot of times we over-estimate how bad we'd feel when something will happen (like losing this friend).

If you're not that into it, that's fine! Don't go out with him for now. It sounds like you're confused because you have fun with him and there are things about him that you'd like in someone you date (and because of your recent journey through "breakupsville, soul-searchingville and now datingville"). But I don't think you need to compromise. It's also possible that if you do fall for him later, he'll still be interested. Don't feel like you need to make a decision now just because he has.
posted by fireflies at 8:39 AM on October 4, 2011