did my "sleeping beast" wake up?
September 22, 2011 2:01 PM Subscribe
ahem... this is a little embarrassing. I am female in my late 20's and have been attracted to both men and women before, and have sort of had relationships/ people I dated.
When friends talk about their, hmm, libido, I never really know what they are talking about, and the phrase "physical attraction" as opposed to emotional or pretty face has never made sense to me. Until the other day. This woman with whom I have been working on a project came to the last meeting in a tight-fitting shirt, which accentuates her very slim and nimble waist. And uh, hmm, let's just say, both physically and mentally, I reacted instinctively and unexpectedly. (good thing nobody noticed.) And 2 weeks later I still can't stop thinking about it, so here it is, hive mind, explain to me.
All of my "attractions" thus far have been closer to companionship and friendship and we-resonate-on-a-soul-level kind of situation first, and then I find their bodies adorable (or acceptable, in retrospect) because I love that person. I have seen beautiful, conventionally attractive people, and while I admit they are aesthetically pleasing and I know what to say to fit into groups of women/men/both who are 'checking out" this person, I never really felt it.
I've been taught (by society! and media!) that certain parts of the body are supposed to be more alluring than others, but I guess my mileage did indeed vary. I mean, not like toe nails or molar teeth, but women's thin waist.
So, uh, what do I do with this discovery? Is this normal? What the heck? It seems so far and incompatible with who I have always been, and also I realized that my personality goes out of the window when I am "checking someone out" so flirting seems difficult. And what do I do now when I am in a dating situation?
"Hi, I am so glad that we are having this intellectually stimulating conversation and six months ago I would have gone out with you again, but you basically don't have a waist and I am trying to incorporate a newly discovered physical dimension into my dating/mating behavior." There seem to be something iffy about that?
And I'm too old to have this conversation with friends in real life.
All of my "attractions" thus far have been closer to companionship and friendship and we-resonate-on-a-soul-level kind of situation first, and then I find their bodies adorable (or acceptable, in retrospect) because I love that person. I have seen beautiful, conventionally attractive people, and while I admit they are aesthetically pleasing and I know what to say to fit into groups of women/men/both who are 'checking out" this person, I never really felt it.
I've been taught (by society! and media!) that certain parts of the body are supposed to be more alluring than others, but I guess my mileage did indeed vary. I mean, not like toe nails or molar teeth, but women's thin waist.
So, uh, what do I do with this discovery? Is this normal? What the heck? It seems so far and incompatible with who I have always been, and also I realized that my personality goes out of the window when I am "checking someone out" so flirting seems difficult. And what do I do now when I am in a dating situation?
"Hi, I am so glad that we are having this intellectually stimulating conversation and six months ago I would have gone out with you again, but you basically don't have a waist and I am trying to incorporate a newly discovered physical dimension into my dating/mating behavior." There seem to be something iffy about that?
And I'm too old to have this conversation with friends in real life.
... It'll simply take some time to process, after which it'll integrate in your approach to dating and attraction.
posted by krilli at 2:05 PM on September 22, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by krilli at 2:05 PM on September 22, 2011 [1 favorite]
What I recommend you should do is: chill.
The only thing that's happened here is that a particular woman turned you on when you weren't expecting it. It doesn't have to "mean" anything has "changed"; hell, every time I think I've got a "type" of person I'm attracted to, then I ALWAYS end up hooking up with a guy that is the exact opposite OF that type.
Your nads want what they want. It can sometimes be unpredictable what it is they want. If you feel a zing, go with it, and don't worry about figuring out where that zing is coming from.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:06 PM on September 22, 2011 [3 favorites]
The only thing that's happened here is that a particular woman turned you on when you weren't expecting it. It doesn't have to "mean" anything has "changed"; hell, every time I think I've got a "type" of person I'm attracted to, then I ALWAYS end up hooking up with a guy that is the exact opposite OF that type.
Your nads want what they want. It can sometimes be unpredictable what it is they want. If you feel a zing, go with it, and don't worry about figuring out where that zing is coming from.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:06 PM on September 22, 2011 [3 favorites]
The fact that you mention your dating situation late in your post and almost in passing is telling. This stuff does happen and if it has struck you as hard as it seems to have done I think you need to go explore. If you're looking for permission to do so (once you're single again) then you've got it...
posted by Chairboy at 2:07 PM on September 22, 2011
posted by Chairboy at 2:07 PM on September 22, 2011
I am at a loss as to what your question is.
It is OK to discover you like slender waists. If you like women with slender waists (or big breasts, small ears, men with beards, whatever), by all means pursue them. If you're in a relationship, don't pursue them (unless that's cool with your partner).
It's normal to have something you like (and, perhaps just as normal not to have something you like). It's all good.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 2:08 PM on September 22, 2011
It is OK to discover you like slender waists. If you like women with slender waists (or big breasts, small ears, men with beards, whatever), by all means pursue them. If you're in a relationship, don't pursue them (unless that's cool with your partner).
It's normal to have something you like (and, perhaps just as normal not to have something you like). It's all good.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 2:08 PM on September 22, 2011
Welcome to the world of physical attraction. It's fun :D
As you may guess, you don't get to choose what you are attracted to, so don't beat yourself up for not being attracted to Ms intellectually-stimilating-but-lacks-thing-waist. That's cool. As long as the physical part isn't the only requirement you are looking for (which seems unlikely from your post), you'll be fine.
Side note: Small waists are not an uncommon point-of-attraction. But even if it were, that's also totally fine. You are allowed to be attracted to whatever (well, except little kids and stuff). So sit back and enjoy the attraction discovery ride :D
You might stumble on words here and there, but that's part of the fun!
posted by Neekee at 2:10 PM on September 22, 2011
As you may guess, you don't get to choose what you are attracted to, so don't beat yourself up for not being attracted to Ms intellectually-stimilating-but-lacks-thing-waist. That's cool. As long as the physical part isn't the only requirement you are looking for (which seems unlikely from your post), you'll be fine.
Side note: Small waists are not an uncommon point-of-attraction. But even if it were, that's also totally fine. You are allowed to be attracted to whatever (well, except little kids and stuff). So sit back and enjoy the attraction discovery ride :D
You might stumble on words here and there, but that's part of the fun!
posted by Neekee at 2:10 PM on September 22, 2011
So, uh, what do I do with this discovery?
Get yourself out into the world and ogle with the best of 'em!
...I'm only half joking. Obviously don't do any slack-jawed leering, but you like waists? Pay attention to waists. It's innocent fun and will teach you more and more about what you find genuinely hot on a person.
And regardless of what society tells us is attractive, everyone has something that they find hot that others will find plain or unnoticable or incomprehensible. Of course, some realize it only subconsciously. You got the good fortune to realize an aspect of your sexuality with your waking mind, so take advantage.
And just let it incorporate itself. I can assure you there's other things up in your head that you like as much as waists, but your brain hasn't clearly pointed them out to you. It happens constantly throughout our lives, regardless of age. The people you date don't have to have this thing -- I don't think any couple ever encompasses every. Single. Thing the other person finds hot -- but when they do, good for you!
posted by griphus at 2:12 PM on September 22, 2011
Get yourself out into the world and ogle with the best of 'em!
...I'm only half joking. Obviously don't do any slack-jawed leering, but you like waists? Pay attention to waists. It's innocent fun and will teach you more and more about what you find genuinely hot on a person.
And regardless of what society tells us is attractive, everyone has something that they find hot that others will find plain or unnoticable or incomprehensible. Of course, some realize it only subconsciously. You got the good fortune to realize an aspect of your sexuality with your waking mind, so take advantage.
And just let it incorporate itself. I can assure you there's other things up in your head that you like as much as waists, but your brain hasn't clearly pointed them out to you. It happens constantly throughout our lives, regardless of age. The people you date don't have to have this thing -- I don't think any couple ever encompasses every. Single. Thing the other person finds hot -- but when they do, good for you!
posted by griphus at 2:12 PM on September 22, 2011
You can absolutely go out on a date with someone cool and then decide not to see them again. You can absolutely do that with someone whose personality you like but who doesn't do it for you physically. But never, never tell someone that you're declining a second date because her waist is not thin enough. It may be true, but it's unnecessarily cruel. Say something generic like, "You seem awesome, but I just don't think we have a spark."
posted by decathecting at 2:18 PM on September 22, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by decathecting at 2:18 PM on September 22, 2011 [4 favorites]
Um. Sorry if what I said came across a little harsh (I just reread it and it sounded like I had a tone for some reason.)
I do still think that you are thinking way more than requires about this issue, and just feel bad for you because it's getting in the way of your just...enjoying who you are. Although I do agree with decathecting about not flat-out saying "your waist isn't skinny enough" as a reason to break it off with someone," because yeah, that's kind of harsh.
But just go with it. Let yourself be attracted to-- or unattracted to-- anyone you want for any number of reasons. And embrace the fact that something completely unexpected about someone may be what you end up digging (one time, it was the fact that a guy wore a bracelet of fake human teeth that got me interested).
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:30 PM on September 22, 2011
I do still think that you are thinking way more than requires about this issue, and just feel bad for you because it's getting in the way of your just...enjoying who you are. Although I do agree with decathecting about not flat-out saying "your waist isn't skinny enough" as a reason to break it off with someone," because yeah, that's kind of harsh.
But just go with it. Let yourself be attracted to-- or unattracted to-- anyone you want for any number of reasons. And embrace the fact that something completely unexpected about someone may be what you end up digging (one time, it was the fact that a guy wore a bracelet of fake human teeth that got me interested).
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:30 PM on September 22, 2011
You're just horny. Welcome to being a human being. Head to a gay bar or check out online personals to set up a casual liaison or two.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 2:31 PM on September 22, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 2:31 PM on September 22, 2011 [1 favorite]
Normal. And even if you have a thing for waists, don't be surprised if one day you meet someone who attracts you in a completely different but just as physical and magnetic way. Maybe you'll see a woman who has a phenomenally graceful neck, and you never noticed necks before but daaaamn, or maybe you'll go on a date with a man who has seriously incredible hands, or whatever. Sounds weird written out like that, but hands and necks are sexy.
Or maybe you'll meet a woman who's got the profile of a two-by-four and isn't your type at all, but you feel that intense physical attraction all the same. It happens! Most of us do have types we're attracted to, and certain traits we prefer, but we're also capable of getting turned on by people who don't match our type. Try thinking of the waist thing as not a new standard your potential partners must meet, but an example of something that turns you on, and keep an eye out for that feeling in other things.
And I have to agree with decathecting: don't explain to dates why or how you're not into them. It's close to impossible to tell someone "I don't find you attractive" without hurting their feelings. It's especially loaded for women, and super-especially loaded for anything involving thinness or fatness. I don't know anyone who would take "sorry, your waist isn't thin enough for me" in stride. Don't say anything along the lines of "not my type," either, since that's well-known code for "I don't find you attractive." The "no spark" line is fine, since that's honest and not necessarily about anything physical.
posted by Metroid Baby at 2:47 PM on September 22, 2011
Or maybe you'll meet a woman who's got the profile of a two-by-four and isn't your type at all, but you feel that intense physical attraction all the same. It happens! Most of us do have types we're attracted to, and certain traits we prefer, but we're also capable of getting turned on by people who don't match our type. Try thinking of the waist thing as not a new standard your potential partners must meet, but an example of something that turns you on, and keep an eye out for that feeling in other things.
And I have to agree with decathecting: don't explain to dates why or how you're not into them. It's close to impossible to tell someone "I don't find you attractive" without hurting their feelings. It's especially loaded for women, and super-especially loaded for anything involving thinness or fatness. I don't know anyone who would take "sorry, your waist isn't thin enough for me" in stride. Don't say anything along the lines of "not my type," either, since that's well-known code for "I don't find you attractive." The "no spark" line is fine, since that's honest and not necessarily about anything physical.
posted by Metroid Baby at 2:47 PM on September 22, 2011
Well, you are allowed to resonate on a soul level with someone AND think that they are so hot you want to jump their bones as often as possible. Just go along the same as you did before, but perhaps with a slightly higher ratio of bone-jumping to intellectual conversations.
Be glad that you aren't irresistibly attracted to people who look like Wombles; that's substantially harder to explain.
posted by emilyw at 3:27 PM on September 22, 2011
Be glad that you aren't irresistibly attracted to people who look like Wombles; that's substantially harder to explain.
posted by emilyw at 3:27 PM on September 22, 2011
"Why do you always reduce my animal urges to psychoanalytic categories?" — Woody Allen in Annie Hall
Don't waste too much time trying to reduce your physical attraction into an academic social critique. This isn't the first time we've seen an AskMe post, by a woman or a man, overanalyzing the OP's own sexual attraction. It's usually a waste of time. You don't need to do any analyzing at all! Just enjoy it.
As EmpressCallipygos said, one of the main things to do is simply to calm down.
Not every physical attraction needs to lead to flirting. Flirting and dating rarely happen as smoothly in real life as they do in the movies and TV. As with everyone, most gorgeous people you see are not people you're going to end up dating; don't worry about this.
Appreciate that yours is a good "problem" to have.
You're not too old to talk with your friends about this. I mean, I hope this thread is helpful, but we are just internet strangers. Talk to people in real life about it.
posted by John Cohen at 3:33 PM on September 22, 2011
Don't waste too much time trying to reduce your physical attraction into an academic social critique. This isn't the first time we've seen an AskMe post, by a woman or a man, overanalyzing the OP's own sexual attraction. It's usually a waste of time. You don't need to do any analyzing at all! Just enjoy it.
As EmpressCallipygos said, one of the main things to do is simply to calm down.
Not every physical attraction needs to lead to flirting. Flirting and dating rarely happen as smoothly in real life as they do in the movies and TV. As with everyone, most gorgeous people you see are not people you're going to end up dating; don't worry about this.
Appreciate that yours is a good "problem" to have.
You're not too old to talk with your friends about this. I mean, I hope this thread is helpful, but we are just internet strangers. Talk to people in real life about it.
posted by John Cohen at 3:33 PM on September 22, 2011
The enduring appeal of corsets suggests you are not alone.
posted by jamjam at 3:51 PM on September 22, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by jamjam at 3:51 PM on September 22, 2011 [2 favorites]
BTW - are you sure that you are attracted to women's thin, nimble waists and not just this particular woman with her thin, nimble waist? I have found particular "bits" of specific people very sexy without that bit being my "thing."
posted by rtimmel at 3:56 PM on September 22, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by rtimmel at 3:56 PM on September 22, 2011 [2 favorites]
I think it's important to just let feelings like this float - not turn them into "my type" or "I can only be sexually happy with people who..." What you have here is a strong physical attraction - which is awesome! Go with it, but don't just turn it into another rule about how you "should" be. Some sexual relationships are all about being with someone who is ZOMG! HOT! and some are about being with someone who is physically attractive mostly because you're fascinated by them as a person. Both are okay; different people are satisfied by different versions at different times.
Feeling dizzyingly attracted to someone is wonderful - it's intense, it's a kind of mental reboot.
I went through something similar to what you describe - not until I was in my thirties did I actually become self-aware and confident enough to be able to process that level of basic physical desire. It's neat - every time it happens, I'm glad I'm in this animal body, able to experience something so clear and unexpected. I still have the same old being-charmed-by-people and then attracted too; they're just different.
Types? Oh, I have them - both the dizzying-allure types and the charmed types. But they're just the people I'm most likely to be attracted to, not an exclusive list.
(In fairness "is attracted to Frowner" is a very powerful feature in a person.)
posted by Frowner at 5:02 PM on September 22, 2011 [2 favorites]
Feeling dizzyingly attracted to someone is wonderful - it's intense, it's a kind of mental reboot.
I went through something similar to what you describe - not until I was in my thirties did I actually become self-aware and confident enough to be able to process that level of basic physical desire. It's neat - every time it happens, I'm glad I'm in this animal body, able to experience something so clear and unexpected. I still have the same old being-charmed-by-people and then attracted too; they're just different.
Types? Oh, I have them - both the dizzying-allure types and the charmed types. But they're just the people I'm most likely to be attracted to, not an exclusive list.
(In fairness "is attracted to Frowner" is a very powerful feature in a person.)
posted by Frowner at 5:02 PM on September 22, 2011 [2 favorites]
There is a lot of pressure on women to be noble and soulful and be attracted only to someone's personality and heart and to say "Physical appearance is not important, I just want a beautiful soul!" That is wrong. Of course you shouldn't continue to date an awful or incompatible person just for their slim waist, but physical appearance DOES matter for women, and some more than others.
So as long as you aren't leaving a trail of hurt feelings in your wake go with what attracts you!
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 5:38 PM on September 22, 2011 [1 favorite]
So as long as you aren't leaving a trail of hurt feelings in your wake go with what attracts you!
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 5:38 PM on September 22, 2011 [1 favorite]
All the above, plus... you may have found a kink. There is absolutely nothing wrong in this: the sexual slot machine of life is often random, and you've had the wonderful experience of just hitting several cherries in a row. Embrace the opportunity! I'd even explore it a little: as mentioned, corsets. For example, does this very mild but possibly NSFW image ring any bells for you? If the answer is yes, or "maybe", then it's likely you've found a thing that works for you. The good news is that there are lots of people with the same interest. If the answer is "no" or "not really" then it may well be that it was just a feature you saw on that person that really stood out for you, but was particular to that individual... which is also fine.
As for "I should be about the person! Why am I responding to something physical?": there's nothing wrong with that either. Think of it this way: you're attracted to a certain personality type, yes? It's not important what that is: intellectual, dominant, reserved, whatever - what's important is that it's your thing. It's what you prefer. That's not a judgement of anyone who does not have those qualities, or totally exclude someone who may not meet all those criteria, only a honest accounting that those personality traits work best for you. Physicality is exactly the same way. You may have a preference for people that look a certain way: tall, slim, whatever. If that preference is a hard limit: you absolutely won't consider anyone who is under 6′ in height, or has less than 130 IQ - it's a fetish. If it's not, it's just a preference, and an adaptable one at that: there are endless examples of people who may not have fit the Greek ideal of a perfect physical specimen but who were absolutely desired because of their wit, charm, grace, or just a winning smile.
Relax and enjoy: you are learning more about yourself, and there is nothing to fear there, nor to judge yourself on.
posted by Bora Horza Gobuchul at 11:33 PM on September 22, 2011
As for "I should be about the person! Why am I responding to something physical?": there's nothing wrong with that either. Think of it this way: you're attracted to a certain personality type, yes? It's not important what that is: intellectual, dominant, reserved, whatever - what's important is that it's your thing. It's what you prefer. That's not a judgement of anyone who does not have those qualities, or totally exclude someone who may not meet all those criteria, only a honest accounting that those personality traits work best for you. Physicality is exactly the same way. You may have a preference for people that look a certain way: tall, slim, whatever. If that preference is a hard limit: you absolutely won't consider anyone who is under 6′ in height, or has less than 130 IQ - it's a fetish. If it's not, it's just a preference, and an adaptable one at that: there are endless examples of people who may not have fit the Greek ideal of a perfect physical specimen but who were absolutely desired because of their wit, charm, grace, or just a winning smile.
Relax and enjoy: you are learning more about yourself, and there is nothing to fear there, nor to judge yourself on.
posted by Bora Horza Gobuchul at 11:33 PM on September 22, 2011
And I'm too old to have this conversation with friends in real life.
You're never too old. This is, after all, what friends are for! To help process the ludicrousness and tragicomedy of everyday life.
posted by canine epigram at 5:37 AM on September 23, 2011
You're never too old. This is, after all, what friends are for! To help process the ludicrousness and tragicomedy of everyday life.
posted by canine epigram at 5:37 AM on September 23, 2011
I have found particular "bits" of specific people very sexy without that bit being my "thing."
I'm just going to jump up and down in front of my computer and point and say "THAT."
"Receding hairline" doesn't do it for me. "JEREMY'S receding hairline" did. "Thin hands" don't do it for me. "BRIAN'S thin hands" did. "Crew cut" doesn't do it for me. "DYLAN'S crew cut" did. The only "kink" I seem to have that's crossed from one guy to the next is eyeglasses, and that's not even a physical feature.
Just leave yourself open to whatever turns you on about anyone. It could be something you've never experienced before and may never again, but on THAT person it's just incendiary.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:41 AM on September 23, 2011
I'm just going to jump up and down in front of my computer and point and say "THAT."
"Receding hairline" doesn't do it for me. "JEREMY'S receding hairline" did. "Thin hands" don't do it for me. "BRIAN'S thin hands" did. "Crew cut" doesn't do it for me. "DYLAN'S crew cut" did. The only "kink" I seem to have that's crossed from one guy to the next is eyeglasses, and that's not even a physical feature.
Just leave yourself open to whatever turns you on about anyone. It could be something you've never experienced before and may never again, but on THAT person it's just incendiary.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:41 AM on September 23, 2011
Are you worried that because you are attracted to this woman's waist that you won't date other women with a thicker/larger waist? Is this because you are dating someone now who doesn't have a small waist and you are afraid that this will interfere?
I don't think you have much to be worried about -- a few months ago I started to be attracted to men of a specific race who have bald heads when I'd never been attracted to that race before.
~*Roll wit it*~ is my advice, I don't think you'll stop liking the person you are dating now (or have dated previously?) just because you found something else you like!
posted by Ms. Moonlight at 11:50 AM on September 23, 2011
I don't think you have much to be worried about -- a few months ago I started to be attracted to men of a specific race who have bald heads when I'd never been attracted to that race before.
~*Roll wit it*~ is my advice, I don't think you'll stop liking the person you are dating now (or have dated previously?) just because you found something else you like!
posted by Ms. Moonlight at 11:50 AM on September 23, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
Your discoveries are understandable, and it is understandable that they are surprising. All of it is OK.
So far you've discovered that smoking hotness exist, and that you find women's slim waists hot – which quite many will agree with. You're in good shape I'd say :)
posted by krilli at 2:05 PM on September 22, 2011 [2 favorites]