How to politely call off a date?
September 6, 2011 5:31 AM Subscribe
What is the protocol for cancelling a date?
I went on a fantastic date with Mary four weeks ago, before she took a month-long trip overseas. We were so excited about how awesome it went that we talked about getting together when she got back.
I meet Sarah that month and we hit it off even better. A few weeks later, Mary comes home and asks if I'd like to go out next week. I agree to get dinner with her because even though I like Sarah, I shouldn't keep my eggs in one basket right? (nothing physical has happened at this point).
Well, over the past week I saw Sarah twice, things turned physical, and while it hasn't been discussed yet it looks like a casual relationship could be taking form. I'm excited about it, but realize I should probably cancel my date with Mary. Which I forgot, is tonight.
I should probably cancel with Mary right? How do I do that in the most polite, non-feelings-hurty way? I'm trying to imagine if I didn't have Sarah in the picture and she was canceling on me - I would have been really disappointed. So I feel really bad, but I don't want to blow her off/fake sick/string her along. I probably don't say something like "I've met someone else", right?
TL;DR: I have to cancel a highly anticipated second date because I met someone else, how do I do it kindly?
I went on a fantastic date with Mary four weeks ago, before she took a month-long trip overseas. We were so excited about how awesome it went that we talked about getting together when she got back.
I meet Sarah that month and we hit it off even better. A few weeks later, Mary comes home and asks if I'd like to go out next week. I agree to get dinner with her because even though I like Sarah, I shouldn't keep my eggs in one basket right? (nothing physical has happened at this point).
Well, over the past week I saw Sarah twice, things turned physical, and while it hasn't been discussed yet it looks like a casual relationship could be taking form. I'm excited about it, but realize I should probably cancel my date with Mary. Which I forgot, is tonight.
I should probably cancel with Mary right? How do I do that in the most polite, non-feelings-hurty way? I'm trying to imagine if I didn't have Sarah in the picture and she was canceling on me - I would have been really disappointed. So I feel really bad, but I don't want to blow her off/fake sick/string her along. I probably don't say something like "I've met someone else", right?
TL;DR: I have to cancel a highly anticipated second date because I met someone else, how do I do it kindly?
If you really want to cancel I don't think the truth is so bad. It's better than "I was never really into you anyway." You can call her and say "hey, I gotta be honest, I was stoked to see you again, but while you were gone I met someone and I'm a really monogamous person, so I feel like I ought to cancel."
posted by fingersandtoes at 5:40 AM on September 6, 2011 [9 favorites]
posted by fingersandtoes at 5:40 AM on September 6, 2011 [9 favorites]
This is super last minute. You have to tell her the truth ASAP. It's life, it happens and it's the risk one takes when you have a first date with someone then go away for a month. So be honest and be sure to communicate your regrets.
posted by inturnaround at 5:41 AM on September 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by inturnaround at 5:41 AM on September 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
i don't think you can politely cancel a date the day of. i mean, cancel if you feel you have to, but i think you have to accept that it's a jerky thing to do.
posted by nadawi at 5:42 AM on September 6, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by nadawi at 5:42 AM on September 6, 2011 [4 favorites]
i don't think you can politely cancel a date the day of.
This is true. I mean, the jerky part has already happened, you forgot about her. So it's a choice between telling her this now or later and the least jerky thing is to tell her now and not waste any more of her time.
posted by inturnaround at 5:51 AM on September 6, 2011 [2 favorites]
This is true. I mean, the jerky part has already happened, you forgot about her. So it's a choice between telling her this now or later and the least jerky thing is to tell her now and not waste any more of her time.
posted by inturnaround at 5:51 AM on September 6, 2011 [2 favorites]
If it were me I would really prefer you just cancel. Last minute? Yes, kinda sucky. But suckier would be sitting through a pointless date. She might get ticked off, but in my opinion it would be more frustrating to realize you are on a date that has zero chance of leading anywhere. Who knows? She might have some one else she could line something else up with.
posted by ian1977 at 5:53 AM on September 6, 2011 [11 favorites]
posted by ian1977 at 5:53 AM on September 6, 2011 [11 favorites]
I'm surprised people think it's too late to cancel- is Mary sitting in the restaurant waiting for you to show up? If so, you should go. If not, it's not too late to cancel. I also think you can say there's someone else- certainly don't be vague and try to keep your options open with Mary.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 5:53 AM on September 6, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 5:53 AM on September 6, 2011 [4 favorites]
I don't think you did anything wrong but I agree that it's too late to cancel.
Also, you are not yet really in a relationship with woman #2- why not go out with the first one and see how you feel? You never know. I'm not saying to play around with two women, obviously. But since you already liked the first woman a lot, why not see her again and see how things go. If you really feel that it won't work, you can tell her after the date.
posted by bearette at 5:56 AM on September 6, 2011
Also, you are not yet really in a relationship with woman #2- why not go out with the first one and see how you feel? You never know. I'm not saying to play around with two women, obviously. But since you already liked the first woman a lot, why not see her again and see how things go. If you really feel that it won't work, you can tell her after the date.
posted by bearette at 5:56 AM on September 6, 2011
Oh lord, just tear off the bandage. Be clear (It's over), concise (I found someone else), honest (There's nothing wrong with you). "Trying not to hurt people" is exactly how kind and thoughtful folks go around hurting people more.
posted by seanmpuckett at 5:57 AM on September 6, 2011 [7 favorites]
posted by seanmpuckett at 5:57 AM on September 6, 2011 [7 favorites]
Well, personally, if I were Mary and I hit it off with a guy that well but he cancelled on me before we could meet again, I would feel bad. I would rather he keep the date and explain to me the situation in person and in a nice way. Maybe I am in the minority though.
posted by bearette at 6:01 AM on September 6, 2011
posted by bearette at 6:01 AM on September 6, 2011
I personally would prefer that you cancelled the date and told me explicitly why. That way
a) I wouldn't get all dressed up and excited about the possibility of the date, only to find out later it was doomed from the get-go
b) I would know that you had also enjoyed our previous date, but
c) Had started dating someone else in the meantime.
If you do it this way way, she might feel disappointed, but she won't feel rejected or like you wasted her time.
posted by hungrytiger at 6:14 AM on September 6, 2011 [2 favorites]
a) I wouldn't get all dressed up and excited about the possibility of the date, only to find out later it was doomed from the get-go
b) I would know that you had also enjoyed our previous date, but
c) Had started dating someone else in the meantime.
If you do it this way way, she might feel disappointed, but she won't feel rejected or like you wasted her time.
posted by hungrytiger at 6:14 AM on September 6, 2011 [2 favorites]
Nthing the folks who say it's not too late, and in fact preferable, to cancel ASAP. If I were Mary, I would VASTLY prefer to have as much time as possible back from getting excited about our date (including talking to my friend about it) and to get the extra making-myself-look-nice I would undoubtedly do beforehand. Do it NOW, before she skips lunch to go get a manicure for you or to pick up drycleaning or whatever.
(on preview, pretty much what hungrytiger says)
I'd go for something along the lines of "I feel terrible doing this, especially so last minute, and because I worry that I might really be missing out on something great between us because you are, inarguably, fantastic... but in the time you were gone I met someone (the last thing I expected to happen, honestly), and I just don't feel comfortable dating two people at the same time, no matter how early it may be with either of you. I really hope you'll just chalk this up to terrible timing. You are amazing and I'm really sorry if I've been a jerk about stopping/starting so abruptly."
posted by argonauta at 6:22 AM on September 6, 2011 [26 favorites]
(on preview, pretty much what hungrytiger says)
I'd go for something along the lines of "I feel terrible doing this, especially so last minute, and because I worry that I might really be missing out on something great between us because you are, inarguably, fantastic... but in the time you were gone I met someone (the last thing I expected to happen, honestly), and I just don't feel comfortable dating two people at the same time, no matter how early it may be with either of you. I really hope you'll just chalk this up to terrible timing. You are amazing and I'm really sorry if I've been a jerk about stopping/starting so abruptly."
posted by argonauta at 6:22 AM on September 6, 2011 [26 favorites]
I think it would be rude to cancel now.
I don't think you should say anything about seeing someone else: that might make it sound as if you think Mary is pressing for a serious relationship, whereas in fact she may possibly be no keener than you and merely doing this date in order to keep her word. If a request for a third date is eventually forthcoming, that's the time to mention Sarah.
It's only a second date. You're not engaged.
posted by Segundus at 6:23 AM on September 6, 2011
I don't think you should say anything about seeing someone else: that might make it sound as if you think Mary is pressing for a serious relationship, whereas in fact she may possibly be no keener than you and merely doing this date in order to keep her word. If a request for a third date is eventually forthcoming, that's the time to mention Sarah.
It's only a second date. You're not engaged.
posted by Segundus at 6:23 AM on September 6, 2011
I was starting to type a response and then I read argonauta's (just above), who said exactly what I was saying but ten times better.
posted by mochapickle at 6:23 AM on September 6, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by mochapickle at 6:23 AM on September 6, 2011 [2 favorites]
I'd go on the date.
Just control yourself.
posted by Ironmouth at 6:38 AM on September 6, 2011 [2 favorites]
Just control yourself.
posted by Ironmouth at 6:38 AM on September 6, 2011 [2 favorites]
Why not date both? Go out and have fun, just don't lead anyone along and you are fine. This is casual, leave it as casual and don't shut any doors until you are certain that is what you want to do.
posted by TheBones at 6:46 AM on September 6, 2011
posted by TheBones at 6:46 AM on September 6, 2011
I like argonuta's script, but I might edit to make it clearer why you're springing this on her so last-minute. Presumably you've been in touch with Mary while she's been gone or in the days since she got home, and had agreed more recently than a month ago that the date was on? It's not that you met someone else while she was gone ("so why the heck couldn't you have told me this 6 days ago when I got home?!!"); until very recently you were planning on keeping your date with Mary even though you'd been on a few other "first dates" since then. The issue is that in the last day or so things with Sarah have suddenly progressed such that you don't feel right about it, for either of their sakes.
You also don't have to cancel your date, but you owe it to Mary to tell her what's going on. "I promised to take you out to dinner so you could tell me all about your trip, and I'd still love to hear the stories, but I wanted you to know what's been going on with me, and I would understand if you wanted to cancel." This gives her the option to tell you to get lost on her terms, if you're feeling particularly gentlemanly.
posted by aimedwander at 7:05 AM on September 6, 2011 [13 favorites]
You also don't have to cancel your date, but you owe it to Mary to tell her what's going on. "I promised to take you out to dinner so you could tell me all about your trip, and I'd still love to hear the stories, but I wanted you to know what's been going on with me, and I would understand if you wanted to cancel." This gives her the option to tell you to get lost on her terms, if you're feeling particularly gentlemanly.
posted by aimedwander at 7:05 AM on September 6, 2011 [13 favorites]
Call her now, apologize and say you had not anticipated this but you've really hit it off with someone else in the past week. That's it. She'll feel a little hurt, but not as hurt as she would if you:
a) call her to cancel the date but make up some seedy excuse (sick, family emergency, dog got hit by a truck) spoiling her evening but also leaving her to think that a future date is still a possibility, only to find that you never contact her again or later tell her you don't want to date her
b) stand her up
c) attend the date but tell her there won't be any more
d) attend the date, don't mention anything about future dates and then never contact her again
So just call her now and be honest but mindful.
posted by Polychrome at 7:32 AM on September 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
a) call her to cancel the date but make up some seedy excuse (sick, family emergency, dog got hit by a truck) spoiling her evening but also leaving her to think that a future date is still a possibility, only to find that you never contact her again or later tell her you don't want to date her
b) stand her up
c) attend the date but tell her there won't be any more
d) attend the date, don't mention anything about future dates and then never contact her again
So just call her now and be honest but mindful.
posted by Polychrome at 7:32 AM on September 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
And some people are telling you to just date both--if this is what you want, fine. But it didn't sound like what you wanted in your original post; it sounded like you wanted Sarah. If you really do want a relationship with Sarah then you might consider how she will feel when she finds out that after (and despite) you two really hit it off and got physical, you continued to date Mary.
posted by Polychrome at 7:36 AM on September 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Polychrome at 7:36 AM on September 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
I don't think it's too late, per se - but it's not the best of all possible situations, of course.
I'd ring her up (assuming you have her day time number) and be honest. You did very much enjoy her company and had been looking forward to her return but that one date didn't make a relationship and in the time she'd been gone you'd gone out a couple of times with someone. It had remained casual until this past week when it became physical and as a result you no longer feel right about dating anyone else. Further, you're very sorry you waited until the day of to let her know but hope that she understands.
If you don't have her day time number an email would be ok, but further sub-optimal. This is particularly true if she's not the sort to check email during the day.
posted by FlamingBore at 7:59 AM on September 6, 2011
I'd ring her up (assuming you have her day time number) and be honest. You did very much enjoy her company and had been looking forward to her return but that one date didn't make a relationship and in the time she'd been gone you'd gone out a couple of times with someone. It had remained casual until this past week when it became physical and as a result you no longer feel right about dating anyone else. Further, you're very sorry you waited until the day of to let her know but hope that she understands.
If you don't have her day time number an email would be ok, but further sub-optimal. This is particularly true if she's not the sort to check email during the day.
posted by FlamingBore at 7:59 AM on September 6, 2011
Cancel ASAP. I think at this late stage (not relationship-wise, but calendar-wise) you should probably do it by phone. Don't tell her you forgot though, I think that would be a bit cruel.
I had to do this recently - sort of break it off with someone I'd gone on a few dates with because I met someone else I liked more and couldn't see myself as someone who dates more than one person - and I just decided to be honest. If both people are out dating I think that it's safe to assume that either one of you could find someone else at any time. It had reached a point where I felt I had to make a decision and I made it based on my feelings at that point and then was just honest about it. No one can ask more than that.
posted by marylynn at 9:47 AM on September 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
I had to do this recently - sort of break it off with someone I'd gone on a few dates with because I met someone else I liked more and couldn't see myself as someone who dates more than one person - and I just decided to be honest. If both people are out dating I think that it's safe to assume that either one of you could find someone else at any time. It had reached a point where I felt I had to make a decision and I made it based on my feelings at that point and then was just honest about it. No one can ask more than that.
posted by marylynn at 9:47 AM on September 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
I had a first date with a guy from the internet (and it went just ok) and afterwards he emailed me to say that it had been nice, but he actually had met someone he liked a lot a few days previously, and was just keeping his date with me to be polite, and best of luck to me. It pissed me off. Don't do that. Cancel the date now.
posted by chowflap at 9:57 AM on September 6, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by chowflap at 9:57 AM on September 6, 2011 [3 favorites]
I would vastly prefer to be disappointed a few hours in advance of a date than mid-date or post-date. Nobody wants a pity date or a polite date, and I damn sure don't want to flirt and smile my way through a date only to be told at the end that you were just waiting for the right time to tell me you're not interested. I'd be angry that you let me make a fool of myself.
I kind of don't get all the "it's rude to cancel" answers above. I mean, it's not like you're abandoning her on New Year's Eve with no time to make other plans. It's a random Tuesday night, I'm pretty sure she'll be able to handle it.
As for how to tell her, I really like argunauta's and aimedwanderer's ideas.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 10:36 AM on September 6, 2011
I kind of don't get all the "it's rude to cancel" answers above. I mean, it's not like you're abandoning her on New Year's Eve with no time to make other plans. It's a random Tuesday night, I'm pretty sure she'll be able to handle it.
As for how to tell her, I really like argunauta's and aimedwanderer's ideas.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 10:36 AM on September 6, 2011
Don't waste Mary's time. Call her up right now and say something like this:
"Hey, glad your trip went well. But switching gears, I'm going to have cancel our date, because I've met someone else. Apologies if this is late, but it's all pretty sudden for me and I wanted to let you know as soon as I could. If you have any questions or just want to tell me to go to hell, I understand, but I do wish you well." Then let her respond however she wants, tell her to take care and then get on with your life.
Main things: You're to the point and direct in what you're saying and what's going to happen, you give her a chance to say whatever she's feeling and then everyone moves on.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:37 AM on September 6, 2011
"Hey, glad your trip went well. But switching gears, I'm going to have cancel our date, because I've met someone else. Apologies if this is late, but it's all pretty sudden for me and I wanted to let you know as soon as I could. If you have any questions or just want to tell me to go to hell, I understand, but I do wish you well." Then let her respond however she wants, tell her to take care and then get on with your life.
Main things: You're to the point and direct in what you're saying and what's going to happen, you give her a chance to say whatever she's feeling and then everyone moves on.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:37 AM on September 6, 2011
If this were me, I would date both for at least a couple weeks to make sure I was making the right decision (presuming that neither had talked about exclusivity).
You don't sound like you're up for that, though, so I'll tell you about how this happened to me recently:
I met a girl online, and we had one *great* date. It was the most fun I'd had in ages, and it was obvious we got along great. Through email, we set up a second date a few days later. The day before the next date, I got an email that said, essentially,
"Hey! I'm looking forward to hanging out tomorrow, but I need to tell you that this weekend some mutual feelings came up with a good friend of mine and I'm interested in seeing how that goes. I'm not really into dating two people at once, so I'd really like to hang out tonight as friends tonight, but I'd understand if you don't want to keep hanging out."
It was a bit of a shock, but she was so nice and upfront about it that it was impossible to take offense. I took her up on the platonic hang-out, and we've been great friends ever since. There are no hard feelings, and it honestly doesn't even feel like I was rejected. I suggest a similar approach.
posted by auto-correct at 11:06 AM on September 6, 2011 [10 favorites]
You don't sound like you're up for that, though, so I'll tell you about how this happened to me recently:
I met a girl online, and we had one *great* date. It was the most fun I'd had in ages, and it was obvious we got along great. Through email, we set up a second date a few days later. The day before the next date, I got an email that said, essentially,
"Hey! I'm looking forward to hanging out tomorrow, but I need to tell you that this weekend some mutual feelings came up with a good friend of mine and I'm interested in seeing how that goes. I'm not really into dating two people at once, so I'd really like to hang out tonight as friends tonight, but I'd understand if you don't want to keep hanging out."
It was a bit of a shock, but she was so nice and upfront about it that it was impossible to take offense. I took her up on the platonic hang-out, and we've been great friends ever since. There are no hard feelings, and it honestly doesn't even feel like I was rejected. I suggest a similar approach.
posted by auto-correct at 11:06 AM on September 6, 2011 [10 favorites]
Why can't you date more than one person at a time? You and Sarah haven't talked about exclusivity, so what's the problem with going with Mary for a date?
I'm confused by all the talk about the date with Mary being pointless now that you've met Sarah. When did everything become so utilitarian and purpose-ridden? Is the only "point" of dates to find someone to settle down with? I thought that dates were also ways for people to get to know each other and have a good time.
I'd say, go for your date with Mary and get to know her better. You can let her know about Sarah, but why toss aside a potential good friend just because you've got an exciting new squeeze? Maybe don't call it a date, call it "getting dinner" or something.
I realize that norms have changed in the long time ago since I used to go on dates, but it seems a shame if people can't enjoy each other's company just cause you've met someone you like a lot.
posted by jasper411 at 12:29 PM on September 6, 2011 [2 favorites]
I'm confused by all the talk about the date with Mary being pointless now that you've met Sarah. When did everything become so utilitarian and purpose-ridden? Is the only "point" of dates to find someone to settle down with? I thought that dates were also ways for people to get to know each other and have a good time.
I'd say, go for your date with Mary and get to know her better. You can let her know about Sarah, but why toss aside a potential good friend just because you've got an exciting new squeeze? Maybe don't call it a date, call it "getting dinner" or something.
I realize that norms have changed in the long time ago since I used to go on dates, but it seems a shame if people can't enjoy each other's company just cause you've met someone you like a lot.
posted by jasper411 at 12:29 PM on September 6, 2011 [2 favorites]
To jasper411: Yes, dates don't have to be 'utilitarian' (meaning the OP and Mary can have dinner or whatever as friends), but both parties should be okay and clear about this. Hence why I second auto-correct's answer.
posted by moiraine at 4:38 PM on September 6, 2011
posted by moiraine at 4:38 PM on September 6, 2011
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posted by bquarters at 5:38 AM on September 6, 2011