How to Navigate Possible New Relationship?
July 16, 2011 4:29 PM Subscribe
How to Navigate Possible New Relationship?
I've been seeing this awesome guy for about 2 months now, we have so much fun, we get each other's humor and laugh a lot. I think he's attractive. I feel pretty comfortable around him so far and he comes across as a normal, balanced person.
But I keep going back and forth in my mind, as in...do I like him only as friends or more than friends? We have shared a few sweet goodnight kisses which felt nice but nothing intensely physical so far. I prefer to move slow and take my time to know someone well first. I know he really likes me because he told me. I told him I like him and would like to keep spending time with him. We just held hands the other night but I had to initiate it---he seems kind of physically/relationship inexperienced but I don't mind because I can pace it. I have had some *thoughts* of being physically intimate with him.
My last relationship was paced REALLY fast and fell apart really fast so this is very DIFFERENT for me. I jumped into being his girlfriend without really knowing him, and never built a friendship. He was mentally unstable and said all the right things and ended up acting like a jerk, I still have resentment and anger for him hurting me. In fact I think the ex impacted me more than I realized, because NOW when this new guys tells me he really likes me I kinda freak out a bit and get scared. I've never felt scared about feelings in reaction to what someone has said before. I am afraid that, like the ex, the new guy will start acting differently and show a dark side. I think it will take me a while to open up emotionally and physically to a new man after that experience.
For the record I've been seeing a therapist for 6 months which has helped sort out a lot of things in my life and this is something I'm navigating with my therapist. I'm *trying* not to project my feelings from the ex on the new guy.
Is it normal to go back and forth like this? Sometimes I feel really attracted to him/want to get closer, and other times I feel like it's just nice to sit with him and be with him. Sometimes I have butterflies, but not always 100% of the time. Is this normal? Am I supposed to feel it 100% of the time...I don't know if that means I like him as a boyfriend or not?
I've been seeing this awesome guy for about 2 months now, we have so much fun, we get each other's humor and laugh a lot. I think he's attractive. I feel pretty comfortable around him so far and he comes across as a normal, balanced person.
But I keep going back and forth in my mind, as in...do I like him only as friends or more than friends? We have shared a few sweet goodnight kisses which felt nice but nothing intensely physical so far. I prefer to move slow and take my time to know someone well first. I know he really likes me because he told me. I told him I like him and would like to keep spending time with him. We just held hands the other night but I had to initiate it---he seems kind of physically/relationship inexperienced but I don't mind because I can pace it. I have had some *thoughts* of being physically intimate with him.
My last relationship was paced REALLY fast and fell apart really fast so this is very DIFFERENT for me. I jumped into being his girlfriend without really knowing him, and never built a friendship. He was mentally unstable and said all the right things and ended up acting like a jerk, I still have resentment and anger for him hurting me. In fact I think the ex impacted me more than I realized, because NOW when this new guys tells me he really likes me I kinda freak out a bit and get scared. I've never felt scared about feelings in reaction to what someone has said before. I am afraid that, like the ex, the new guy will start acting differently and show a dark side. I think it will take me a while to open up emotionally and physically to a new man after that experience.
For the record I've been seeing a therapist for 6 months which has helped sort out a lot of things in my life and this is something I'm navigating with my therapist. I'm *trying* not to project my feelings from the ex on the new guy.
Is it normal to go back and forth like this? Sometimes I feel really attracted to him/want to get closer, and other times I feel like it's just nice to sit with him and be with him. Sometimes I have butterflies, but not always 100% of the time. Is this normal? Am I supposed to feel it 100% of the time...I don't know if that means I like him as a boyfriend or not?
Two months of only kissing as an adult seems like a long time in my opinion. Butterflies are anticipation and if the anticipation is always just "holding hands" or "sweet kisses", it's likely to diminish. I'd take it up a notch and see if there's anything there. Unless you guys have some mutual religious or moral opposition to sex outside of marriage..
posted by Raichle at 4:49 PM on July 16, 2011
posted by Raichle at 4:49 PM on July 16, 2011
Is it normal to go back and forth like this? Sometimes I feel really attracted to him/want to get closer, and other times I feel like it's just nice to sit with him and be with him. Sometimes I have butterflies, but not always 100% of the time. Is this normal? Am I supposed to feel it 100% of the time...I don't know if that means I like him as a boyfriend or not?
Honestly, yes, I think it is normal. I really like what reenka says above, in that, geez, if you had the butterflies ALL THE TIME you wouldn't really be yourself - you'd be almost stressing out too much to make it worthwhile! Because the thing is, even when we humans get butterflies over good things, it still, ultimately, is stress. I've been with my unbelievable wonderful BF for a little over 7 months now, and I got to tell you, those first two months were on-and-off nervousness just like you describe. If it had been ALL butterflies? Yeesh, I'd probably have lived on coffee and cigs for those two months! Not good.
The point is, I think you actually nailed it yourself in the first couple lines of your question with this: I feel pretty comfortable around him so far and he comes across as a normal, balanced person.
You feel comfortable around him! That's a GOOD thing. It means you aren't constantly second-guessing yourself, wondering if OMG did I say the wrong thing, should I have worn a different shirt, does he think I'm weird/silly/whatever. Believe me, this is something that a lot of us have spent years searching for. It is a good thing.
As far as the physicality...it actualyl kinda sounds as if the two of you are on the same page when it comes to taking things slowly. I can see how your previous relationship might influence your thoughts on this, and I applaud you for taking the steps and having the self-awareness to deal with the lingering doubts. I'm not really sure what to advise here other than just doing what makes you feel comfortable...and may I also suggest talking to him about this?
Long story short: It sounds like you may have met someone who is really, really good for you. It also sounds like this may be mutual. I beseech you not to "buy into" what Hollywood and pop culture have to say about relationships. Ultimately, you need to be with the person who makes YOU feel comfortable, fulfilled and confident. And vice versa. I think a conversation with this guy about these very things, while *frightening* at the moment, will yield you real results. I wish you the best!
posted by deep thought sunstar at 5:54 PM on July 16, 2011 [2 favorites]
Honestly, yes, I think it is normal. I really like what reenka says above, in that, geez, if you had the butterflies ALL THE TIME you wouldn't really be yourself - you'd be almost stressing out too much to make it worthwhile! Because the thing is, even when we humans get butterflies over good things, it still, ultimately, is stress. I've been with my unbelievable wonderful BF for a little over 7 months now, and I got to tell you, those first two months were on-and-off nervousness just like you describe. If it had been ALL butterflies? Yeesh, I'd probably have lived on coffee and cigs for those two months! Not good.
The point is, I think you actually nailed it yourself in the first couple lines of your question with this: I feel pretty comfortable around him so far and he comes across as a normal, balanced person.
You feel comfortable around him! That's a GOOD thing. It means you aren't constantly second-guessing yourself, wondering if OMG did I say the wrong thing, should I have worn a different shirt, does he think I'm weird/silly/whatever. Believe me, this is something that a lot of us have spent years searching for. It is a good thing.
As far as the physicality...it actualyl kinda sounds as if the two of you are on the same page when it comes to taking things slowly. I can see how your previous relationship might influence your thoughts on this, and I applaud you for taking the steps and having the self-awareness to deal with the lingering doubts. I'm not really sure what to advise here other than just doing what makes you feel comfortable...and may I also suggest talking to him about this?
Long story short: It sounds like you may have met someone who is really, really good for you. It also sounds like this may be mutual. I beseech you not to "buy into" what Hollywood and pop culture have to say about relationships. Ultimately, you need to be with the person who makes YOU feel comfortable, fulfilled and confident. And vice versa. I think a conversation with this guy about these very things, while *frightening* at the moment, will yield you real results. I wish you the best!
posted by deep thought sunstar at 5:54 PM on July 16, 2011 [2 favorites]
I read your question as asking whether you ought to like moving slowly, and being the one to set the pace of the relationship. This new guy seems okay with following your lead, and there's no logical reason why you shouldn't like that, but maybe it doesn't feel as exciting as your previous relationship. You wonder whether that's okay?
If that is what you're wondering, then the answer has to come from you. Whatever happens with this guy might help you figure out what you like. Even Metafilter can't answer everything.
posted by Net Prophet at 4:48 AM on July 17, 2011
If that is what you're wondering, then the answer has to come from you. Whatever happens with this guy might help you figure out what you like. Even Metafilter can't answer everything.
posted by Net Prophet at 4:48 AM on July 17, 2011
You're doing A-OK.
posted by InterestedInKnowing at 7:09 AM on July 17, 2011
posted by InterestedInKnowing at 7:09 AM on July 17, 2011
Completely normal. There are as many different ways to figure this out as there are people. There's no template, although readers of the "Rules" or the "Game" might tell you there is. We are humans and it is our right to go at our own pace and in our own style. I say continue to be yourself around him. The rest will work itself out.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:35 AM on July 17, 2011
posted by Ironmouth at 8:35 AM on July 17, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
If you've had thoughts of being physical, then that answers your question. Give these thoughts some time to feel more natural. Right now, it sounds like the relationship is actually moving as fast as you feel comfortable, and he probably has been picking up your cues to keep it that way. Even being scared and worried about the other person's confession is normal, without any past relationship trauma-- when we are vulnerable, it's scary, and when the other person's vulnerable and we don't want to hurt them, that's also scary. It's actually a sign you care about him to some degree if his confession worries you. You've said yourself that it'll take time to open up, so give yourself that time-- he seems to be giving it to you, also. You have no reason to suspect he'd change drastically, but you won't believe it any more if you think about it-- you just need to get used to the idea and enjoy his presence in your life meanwhile. Sometimes the good things that happen to us are scary in their own way, but try to allow yourself to enjoy it. He sounds like a good guy.
posted by reenka at 4:47 PM on July 16, 2011 [2 favorites]