Take a Picture, It'll Last Longer

July 2, 2011 1:42 PM

I've offended a friend by declining a personal recommendation, am I really at fault here?

A few weeks ago I mentioned to a close family friend (Jack?) that I was searching for a great photographer for an upcoming project of mine. Jack insisted that I contact his photographer daughter and consider her for the job. While I was delighted at the idea I was a bit doubtful because of his relationship with my family. Jack made a big point to reassure me that I should not feel obligated to use his daughter's work if it was not what I needed, so I felt comfortable considering her.

Over the next week I stilled talked to Jack and every so often he would mention things about his daughter's financial situations, such as:
"Yeah Mary is really struggling along... She really needs all the help she can get" or "I'm going over to have a pow wow with Mary. Looks like she's going into foreclosure."

Jack never said things like this before this job possibility appeared. In fact, beforehand he would hardly ever mention his family at all, let alone their circumstances. It definitely made me feel pressured, as if I was the only thing between her and next meal she'd ever eat.

However, in my mind I figured things could very well work out, and it did (over the phone). I told Mary I was working with a closed studio space that demanded flash photography. She reassured me it wasn't a problem and we made a date to consult in a week. About 5 days later I realized that she doesn't work with flash photography at all and that she specializes in natural light. When asked about this she agreed that studio photos would be a challenge, and asked me to look into a naturally lit space so that she could work.

Well, I wasn't looking to accommodate any photographer to suit their personal needs; I needed convenience for the project.
The following morning I sent Mary an email explaining why we weren't a good fit this time around. I told her I'd love to work with her in the future and I'd recommend her to anyone else (she does very nice work.) With this email I also cancelled our consultation for the following day (I no longer needed her for this project so what was the point of having it, right?)

Not long after I sent her this email I noticed a missed call from Jack. He then sent a couple of friendly texts to which I responded. As soon as I answered him he sent back angry texts accusing me of hurting his daughter's feelings, not being upfront with her about what I needed, and being very unprofessional. He said that by missing the scheduled consultation I ruined other job opportunities she could have had instead.

In short, things ended with Jack saying he regrets he ever recommending her to me, and me saying that there's nothing I want to do about it now. I can see why my decision to work with someone else was problematic for her (and Jack caring so much because he's her father) however, I only had a consultation to see if I would use her. I could have easily have chosen to not work with her then as I've never guaranteed her the job. They both knew this. Not to mention I felt it was a bad idea for her not to have a back up plan should this opportunity not go through (I also don't feel this is my fault.)

The thing is, I really liked Jack but things are very weird now. He still has contact with others in my family but goes out of his way to ignore me. This kind of bothers me (enough to end up here) though I really cannot bring myself to resolve this with him. I honestly feel that I did nothing crafty and I sort of feel that he owes me *gulp* an apology. Perhaps I'm really am wrong here, if so I don't mind reaching out and apologizing myself.

posted by xbeautychicx to Human Relations (21 answers total)

Jack is out of line, and being way inappropriate. His daughter's client dealings, agreements, and relationships are her business exclusively. Ditto for you. A last-minute cancellation can indeed present lost opportunity and sunk costs. But it's also a professional's responsbility to anticipate that and migitate by doing things like collecting a nonrefundable deposit, or contractually stipulating a suitable cancellation fee.

She's a big girl, and can take of her own business. Or not.

Either way, Dad isn't doing her any favors by burning bridges like that.
posted by nakedcodemonkey at 1:55 PM on July 2, 2011 [6 favorites]

Yeah, doesn't sound like you're at fault. Sounds like Jack has some real emotional issues that he hasn't worked out, though. IMO the best option is to ignore and move on; if you feel shaken up, find something productive that terrifies you and do it, and you'll forget all about that situation. :-)

If it were me: From now on Jack gets the friendly smile and eyebrow raise; don't try to talk to him.
posted by circular at 1:55 PM on July 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

Is Jack 15 by any chance? Because I'd expect this kind of immature, whiny behavior from a kid. Definitely not from the parent of a (presumably) adult daughter. If I were his daughter, I'd be horribly embarrassed that he was being so weird around a professional contact. (It seems like she handled this fine.)

You didn't do anything wrong here. Ignore the twerp.
posted by phunniemee at 1:56 PM on July 2, 2011 [3 favorites]

(I also think it was a breach of professionalism for her to confide client dealings to the client's friend -- even, or especially, if the client's friend is her family. Putting him in the middle, and making hurt feelings into a business matter, are each decisions that show poor judgement on her part. Walk away. And do not recommend; her bad judgement -- here, and accepting a project beyond her ability to handle -- can only reflect badly on YOU.)
posted by nakedcodemonkey at 2:01 PM on July 2, 2011 [6 favorites]

I suspect that one of the reasons there are hurt feelings is the way in which you dealt with telling her you weren't hiring her. You talked to her in person, then sent an email canceling your meeting. This is sort of the equivalent of breaking up with someone in an email. You should have called her, since this is more of a personal than business relationship. Just my opinion, though.

That said, the pressure you got from your friend was not OK.
posted by annsunny at 2:09 PM on July 2, 2011

Response by poster: annsunny: I actually have never met her in person. All of our interactions were over the phone or email and were fairly informal. If things were less casual I definitely would have taken more protocol about cancelling with her.

Also our consultation was zero commitment. No financial compensation was to be involved unless she was hired for the project.
posted by xbeautychicx at 2:16 PM on July 2, 2011

Is the daughter consenting to this interference by her dad? If not, it's not her fault. The dude sounds like a controlling asshole.
posted by moammargaret at 2:17 PM on July 2, 2011

Best answer: I have a policy about not putting people in positions where they can hurt themselves or me.

When Jack started laying on the guillt about Mary's need for work, that was your cue to blow the whole thing off, which you eventually did.

I was recently in a VERY similar position with a friend and her boyfriend. He's the one who (apparently?) needs work. Now. I liked this couple, but some pushy comments have been made by girlfriend that caused me to re-evaluate their place in my life (like stating that my husband and I are "always late" for social engagements in a gambit to get her way about something trivial that wasn't even a problem. Her comment would have been rude if it were true, but the truth is she knows my husband often leaves work earlier than usual to accommodate her weird scheduling demands, so really, she overplayed her hand there. That's when I knew she wasn't a real friend to me, she just thought of me as someone she could bend to her will. Boy she called that wrong;) Anywho. When she started dropping direct hints I should hire her bf for a short term gig, I found a way to dodge it. The more she pushed, the more I came to dislike her. Needless to say, she is no longer on my favored friends list, although it will take some time for her to see that (actually, I'm hoping she decides I'm a flake and drops me. We'll see. I decided never to discuss this with her because she displayed so many social bullying characteristics that, y'know, it wasn't worth reasoning with her about it.)

You can't make people who want to use you happy when you don't give in.

Jack has a weak character. He's a social bully. I bet there is a fairly large age disparity between you as well, that he could be seen as an authority figure by you. How dare he use his position to throw his weight around with you.

Ignore him. If you realize it's OK to be silently indignant over this - good. This man is not your friend, nor does he care about your family much. Certainly he is showing a grave lack of respect.

COMPLETELY ignore him ignoring you. I wouldn't make it an issue publicly. I think the classy thing is to never speak of it, actually.

Just know you did right.

Good for you for keeping yourself from being used!
posted by jbenben at 2:18 PM on July 2, 2011 [10 favorites]

Yes, but you had a personal relationship with her father, so the expectation may have been different.
posted by annsunny at 2:18 PM on July 2, 2011

Best answer: You needed flash photography. Mary led you to believe that she was experienced with this. When confronted with the truth, she asked you to change what you needed, to accommodate her skills. You don't owe anyone an apology, and I think you were gracious to say that you would recommend her to others considering that she's willing to bend the truth and considering that she wasted a week of your time while you waited for a consultation appointment that would only have led you to telling her no.

I can only assume that Jack's worry about his daughter's finances have turned him from a reasonable adult to a petulant one. He might come to his senses in time.
posted by Houstonian at 2:32 PM on July 2, 2011 [16 favorites]

Best answer: OP, I see annsunny's point, but I think any refusal to use the daughter's services was going to earn you the response you are complaining of here.

Jack tried to make his daughter's problems your problems. I'm not sure if it was clear from my story, but my (basically ex) friend was engaging in a pattern of trying to make her problems or concerns our problems or concerns, too.

When people don't take responsibility for their own needs or requirements, especially when they act entitled or unappreciative - fuck 'em.

I don't see how you could have won here. The minute Jack started "woe is Mary and her impending foreclosure" the deal was done. At that point, you were honor bound not to proceed. If you had hired her, here would have been complaints about the level of compensation, or future jobs for her, or a whole other host of their problems for you to fix and hoops for you to jump through.

You are well rid of this duo.

And FWIW, I also thought it was pretty unprofessional of her to lie to you about her capabilities and then ask that you switch the parameters of your project around to accommodate her lack of skill. That's pretty ballet and reminds me of her dad, FWIW.
posted by jbenben at 2:32 PM on July 2, 2011 [10 favorites]

Damn auto correct! There are other typos, but I meant "pretty ballsy."
posted by jbenben at 2:35 PM on July 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

Nth-ing you did nothing wrong here. You don't want a photographer to bail them out of their financial issues, you want a photographer to do some work for you. You don't owe it to anyone, Jack included, to use a photographer that isn't the right fit for your project. Agreed with jbenben that Jack is trying to make your daughter's problems her problems. If he's not talking to you because of this, that's his problem, not yours.
posted by foxjacket at 2:39 PM on July 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

This so reminds me of the thread about people who have expectations versus those who are direct. I was looking for it, but have become distracted by other threads that have popped up.

I am not saying you did anything particularly wrong, OP, just that people have different expectations. I really agree with jbenben that you were in a no-win situation.
posted by annsunny at 2:49 PM on July 2, 2011

Here! Ask culture vs, guess culture.
posted by annsunny at 2:51 PM on July 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

I can't see you did a single thing that put you in the wrong. The guilt trips (before and after you made your decision) are not only crummy manipulative behavior, they not only are violating the implicit agreement made when the suggestion was made (that there would be no hard feelings regardless of the decision made) but they are also basically nonsensical. Your job isn't going to save her from foreclosure, it is not going to make her business a success (and if she is going to be a success she will have to deal with much more uncertainty and ambiguity from potential clients constantly than she did with you: that's freelance. And it stretches the bounds of credulity that having one appointment that ended up not being needed cost her work. If people deciding they don't want to work with a person causes them problems, and their feelings are hurt by it, they need to accept that they aren't cut out for self-employment and get a job.
posted by nanojath at 3:10 PM on July 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

The Atlantic did a story recently about parents like Jack. This was the topic of a MeFi post too, if I remember correctly.

I think you behaved very correctly and very professionally. The photographer was not a fit, end of story. You discovered this sooner, rather than [ gasp! ] later in the studio with the client present. Good call on your part.

Don't let Jack bully you into feeling guilty. What you did was appropriate.
posted by seawallrunner at 3:41 PM on July 2, 2011 [2 favorites]

Nthing a comment someone made above, at the end of a longer comment: Understandable (though not great) that the father and daughter are not their best selves with her foreclosure, etc., going on.

Maybe more a matter of generally good people not doing so good with bad times.
posted by ambient2 at 4:36 PM on July 2, 2011

This is about more than you - try to not take it personally.

Your friend's daughter is in trouble and he wants you to help and not understanding the intricacies of creative-type work, he thought it would be great.

Meanwhile, she's saying she can do more than she can because she's not in the best spot at the moment and her judgment is off.

It all winds up a mess, but (for him and her) it's not really about the work per se and more about giving her a chance.

Understandably for you this is not your problem, but you might also want to cut them some slack.

Trust me - it could've been much, much worse than this.
posted by mleigh at 9:49 PM on July 2, 2011

Exactly how big was this job? Was it a 10-20K job that was going to stave off foreclosure? Of course it wasn't.

Jack is being an ass. The vendor he suggested could not meet your needs. It's really not different than if he suggest a plumber when you needed a painter. It's always nice to throw business toward someone who needs it, but she wasn't the vendor you needed.

Ignore Jack. Sadly, I wouldn't ever use the daughter's services. It's simply not worth the hassle of dealing with Jack. And if you ever use her services, he thinks his behavior is appropriate and he's won.
posted by 26.2 at 11:21 AM on July 3, 2011

I agree with 26.2, sadly. I would not recommend her nor would I use her for any natural light work in the future. It's a shame that his photographer daughter probably does not realize what a negative impact he has had and may continue to have on her career.

He's behaving badly. Smile and nod. It is a shame but to do other that what you have already done (hiring his daughter, apologizing to him) would be worse.
posted by amicamentis at 5:58 AM on July 4, 2011