Help me untrigger myself
June 1, 2011 9:17 PM Subscribe
How can I learn to untrigger myself? I have post traumatic stress disorder due to being sexually abused by my dad for twelve years.
Yes, I am in therapy, and I really like my therapist. However, he is somewhat non-directive. And anyway I'm looking to cast a wide as net as possible in terms of different tactics and tools for healing, so I don't want to rely on answers from only one person.
So, essentially my question is, what are some ways that traumatized people learn to calm their minds and bodies when they're triggered? To return to the reality of the present moment where they know they are safe? I'm looking for anything--scientifically proven approaches, New Agey woo approaches, dietary approaches, ways of talking to yourself, physical movements. Anything that you've tried or your friends have tried, or you've read about.
Here's more about my situation, and particular challenges:
I've been feeling triggered a lot recently, and it's really hard to know what to do when my rational mind is telling me that I'm safe and no one wants to hurt me, but some primal part of me is screaming "Run away, it's happening again, he's going to find you and hurt you!" I feel like I need to find some non-verbal ways of communicating with the traumatized parts of me that it really is over, that I'm here in the present moment where I'm safe.
Things are complicated by the fact that my dad used to "comfort" me after he abused me, and cuddle with me and tell me that he wouldn't hurt me again, that I was safe now--and then he would abuse me again immediately. (My therapist referred to this as "sadistic mind games".) So sometimes when I or other people try to be soothing it's triggering instead. The other day I was walking and talking myself down from an upheaval of triggered fear, and just as I started to relax and calm down, the panic ratcheted up again. I realized that the feeling of relaxation itself is triggering for me, at least sometimes. What can I do when part of me perceives comfort itself as a threat?
One of the areas in my life in which I'm often triggered is my relationship with my best friend--let's call him R. That's made me realize that emotional intimacy is really scary for me--the closer someone is to me, the more I perceive them to be a threat. Like a lot of survivors, I sometimes relate to R as if he were my father. It's so strange, because I know I can trust him, I know he cares for me deeply and would never intentionally harm me but a lot of times I feel terrified, I feel like he is going to rape me at any moment. I talk to R about these feelings some of the time, which sometimes helps (and which sometimes only seems to make them more vivid). The sadistic games my dad played makes it all a lot worse--when R tells me he's not going to hurt me, the super-protective part of my brain tells me that my dad said so too. When I try to tell myself that I know R, that I know that I can trust him, that part of me says that I didn't realize my dad was an abuser either, that I kept believing him when he lied to me.
I feel like part of the answer is that I can't talk myself out of it, that it has to be more of a bodily/sensory approach. Like I need to get my attention out of my head, where I can endlessly swirl through imaginary scary scenarios, and into my body, where I can literally feel that nothing bad is happening right now. So, given all that, what are some tools and strategies that might work for me? As I said above, I'm open to a wide range of possibilities.
Yes, I am in therapy, and I really like my therapist. However, he is somewhat non-directive. And anyway I'm looking to cast a wide as net as possible in terms of different tactics and tools for healing, so I don't want to rely on answers from only one person.
So, essentially my question is, what are some ways that traumatized people learn to calm their minds and bodies when they're triggered? To return to the reality of the present moment where they know they are safe? I'm looking for anything--scientifically proven approaches, New Agey woo approaches, dietary approaches, ways of talking to yourself, physical movements. Anything that you've tried or your friends have tried, or you've read about.
Here's more about my situation, and particular challenges:
I've been feeling triggered a lot recently, and it's really hard to know what to do when my rational mind is telling me that I'm safe and no one wants to hurt me, but some primal part of me is screaming "Run away, it's happening again, he's going to find you and hurt you!" I feel like I need to find some non-verbal ways of communicating with the traumatized parts of me that it really is over, that I'm here in the present moment where I'm safe.
Things are complicated by the fact that my dad used to "comfort" me after he abused me, and cuddle with me and tell me that he wouldn't hurt me again, that I was safe now--and then he would abuse me again immediately. (My therapist referred to this as "sadistic mind games".) So sometimes when I or other people try to be soothing it's triggering instead. The other day I was walking and talking myself down from an upheaval of triggered fear, and just as I started to relax and calm down, the panic ratcheted up again. I realized that the feeling of relaxation itself is triggering for me, at least sometimes. What can I do when part of me perceives comfort itself as a threat?
One of the areas in my life in which I'm often triggered is my relationship with my best friend--let's call him R. That's made me realize that emotional intimacy is really scary for me--the closer someone is to me, the more I perceive them to be a threat. Like a lot of survivors, I sometimes relate to R as if he were my father. It's so strange, because I know I can trust him, I know he cares for me deeply and would never intentionally harm me but a lot of times I feel terrified, I feel like he is going to rape me at any moment. I talk to R about these feelings some of the time, which sometimes helps (and which sometimes only seems to make them more vivid). The sadistic games my dad played makes it all a lot worse--when R tells me he's not going to hurt me, the super-protective part of my brain tells me that my dad said so too. When I try to tell myself that I know R, that I know that I can trust him, that part of me says that I didn't realize my dad was an abuser either, that I kept believing him when he lied to me.
I feel like part of the answer is that I can't talk myself out of it, that it has to be more of a bodily/sensory approach. Like I need to get my attention out of my head, where I can endlessly swirl through imaginary scary scenarios, and into my body, where I can literally feel that nothing bad is happening right now. So, given all that, what are some tools and strategies that might work for me? As I said above, I'm open to a wide range of possibilities.
For me, it's acknowledging that I'm being triggered. This means slowing down and examining my reactions to everything. I no long accept panic as an acceptable response (unless chased by a bear or a man with a chainsaw). If I find myself upset by a simple conversation, a movie, an ad in a magazine, then I know that it's a trigger. Stepping away and letting myself calm down, washing my face, taking a breath, allows me to isolate my automatic (trained) response and gives me time to consciously construct a new one. I realize that I can't trust my first reaction to most situations, and rely on myself to come up with a secondary response.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 10:38 PM on June 1, 2011
posted by The Light Fantastic at 10:38 PM on June 1, 2011
Best answer: I'm so sorry to hear about your experience. One really helpful and easy-to-remember thing is the "five things" trick--actually the first CBT-type thing I ever learned. Basically, you connect to your senses and name five things you can hear, five things you can touch, five things you can see (five things you can taste and smell too, if you feel ambitious). With each thing you name, try to really experience it, notice it, take a moment to be present with it, and then move on to the next thing. Next, you name four things you can hear, four things you can touch, etc., then three, then two, then one. Then check in with yourself, see how you are; if you still feel freaked out or disconnected, build back on up one two three four five. If you can't think of new things to notice, try going into greater detail with the things you've already reviewed.
"Coping With Anxiety," by Edmund Bourne is full of this type of trick, and I recommend it.
posted by verbyournouns at 10:53 PM on June 1, 2011 [12 favorites]
"Coping With Anxiety," by Edmund Bourne is full of this type of trick, and I recommend it.
posted by verbyournouns at 10:53 PM on June 1, 2011 [12 favorites]
Also, if you're working with a non-directive therapist and could use some support and direction, consider bringing a workbook (The Feeling Good Workbook is one that's recommended here a lot that can provide good structure and is not overwhelming, or the Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook has good distress tolerance information). Having structure to work around for at least part of sessions can be really helpful. Please do MeMail me if you'd like to talk more about skills and grounding! I am not at all a therapist, but I do like to brainstorm on these things.
posted by verbyournouns at 11:05 PM on June 1, 2011
posted by verbyournouns at 11:05 PM on June 1, 2011
I think your strategy of getting a wide range of suggestions is a good one - but I also think perhaps you need to be more forthright with your therapist in terms of what you need from them. I can understand how that may be easier said than done.
Or perhaps you need to see them and also see someone else who specializes in CBT as well as do your own personal workbook exercises.
posted by mleigh at 1:12 AM on June 2, 2011
Or perhaps you need to see them and also see someone else who specializes in CBT as well as do your own personal workbook exercises.
posted by mleigh at 1:12 AM on June 2, 2011
I don't know how effective this is but I remember reading an article about being used with soldiers where it seemed to be helpful. It's used for PTSD and panic attack so it might be worth checking into. Best of luck to you!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eye_movement_desensitization_and_reprocessing
http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/emdr-what-is-it
posted by stray thoughts at 1:29 AM on June 2, 2011
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eye_movement_desensitization_and_reprocessing
http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/emdr-what-is-it
posted by stray thoughts at 1:29 AM on June 2, 2011
Back in the day when I had to take meds my pdoc told me that there are some that are really helpful for postraumatic stress disorder (one of my diagnoses.) Depending on how debilitating yours is for your daily life, this might be a good option to explore. (I think I used Keppra but it's been years so I'm not certain. You'll want to ask a doc.)
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 4:54 AM on June 2, 2011
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 4:54 AM on June 2, 2011
Best answer: I've dealt with PTSD issues and I know how hard it can be to battle your instincts. And really, this is what you are doing. It does get better over time.
I want to re-iteratate Light Fantastics note to acknowledge the trigger. in the midst of panic, the 5 things mentioned above is a very good way to focus and help you ground yourself.
It helped me to first learn to recognized I was being triggered, learn what the trigger was and to replace it.
I have had a lot of smell triggers. I went through a phase where I would actually dab an oil of essence that was non triggery for me. For me, that was vanilla for a while. I would also light vanilla candles when I knew that I was stressed out or that a storm was coming (a common trigger for me).
Doing mindfulness exercises helps me feel more grounded. Feeling my feet push into the ground/carpet/whatever,then my legs against the back of the chair, etc. Similarly, doing progressive relaxation exercises helps with that mindfulness as well. (sit or lay comfortably, then tighten and relax each muscle working from your toes to your face).
I have purposely eaten something that is a clear indicator of Here and Now.
I have listened to contemporary music. Essentially, I am counter triggering myself with another subconscious/non verbal bit of information.
All of these items can be strengthened as triggers for "here and now" if you consciously engage them during stress-free times and note that ah this is what here and now smells/tastes/looks/sounds/feels like.
Everything I do to deal with triggers is a focus on getting "in the here and now".
posted by Librarygeek at 6:23 AM on June 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
I want to re-iteratate Light Fantastics note to acknowledge the trigger. in the midst of panic, the 5 things mentioned above is a very good way to focus and help you ground yourself.
It helped me to first learn to recognized I was being triggered, learn what the trigger was and to replace it.
I have had a lot of smell triggers. I went through a phase where I would actually dab an oil of essence that was non triggery for me. For me, that was vanilla for a while. I would also light vanilla candles when I knew that I was stressed out or that a storm was coming (a common trigger for me).
Doing mindfulness exercises helps me feel more grounded. Feeling my feet push into the ground/carpet/whatever,then my legs against the back of the chair, etc. Similarly, doing progressive relaxation exercises helps with that mindfulness as well. (sit or lay comfortably, then tighten and relax each muscle working from your toes to your face).
I have purposely eaten something that is a clear indicator of Here and Now.
I have listened to contemporary music. Essentially, I am counter triggering myself with another subconscious/non verbal bit of information.
All of these items can be strengthened as triggers for "here and now" if you consciously engage them during stress-free times and note that ah this is what here and now smells/tastes/looks/sounds/feels like.
Everything I do to deal with triggers is a focus on getting "in the here and now".
posted by Librarygeek at 6:23 AM on June 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
I use a technique similar to verbyournouns. I tend to name things I can see. Bookshelf. That bookshelf has books on it. Name the books. Dorothy Parker, JK Rowling, Evelyn Waugh, etc. The bookshelf is a cherry brown. It is clean. There is a little bit of dust on it. My feet are on the ground. The floor is hard wood. Etc.
It tends to ground me and bring me back to the present moment.
One of the other things I did was get myself a necklace that said "survivor". It was on a very long chain so I could tuck it into my shirt and no one else could see it, but when I would start having flashbacks I could use it as a bit of a touchstone.
I wish you all the best. Take care of yourself.
posted by Sophie1 at 6:29 AM on June 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
It tends to ground me and bring me back to the present moment.
One of the other things I did was get myself a necklace that said "survivor". It was on a very long chain so I could tuck it into my shirt and no one else could see it, but when I would start having flashbacks I could use it as a bit of a touchstone.
I wish you all the best. Take care of yourself.
posted by Sophie1 at 6:29 AM on June 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
You might find some very useful ideas in the book Waking the Tiger by Peter Levine.
posted by vers at 7:42 AM on June 2, 2011
posted by vers at 7:42 AM on June 2, 2011
This book might be helpful. It was for me. It is written (ostensibly) for the practitioner, but I actually found that viewpoint to be more helpful. If a therapist was doing some of that stuff with me without me knowing what was going on, I would probably not go back. But by reading the technique, I was able to really connect with the information.
I heard a news report (something like NPR) where they said that in treading soldiers with PTSD, that the key to their treatment and recovery was talk-time. The sooner, and more often, they spoke with therapists, the better off they were. Didn't even have to be particularly therapeutic talk, but simply talking. Building and reinforcing trust in themselves and others and recalibrating their reactions and perceptions for their current reality, not a memory of a different reality.
The key is teaching yourself to trust yourself and others. Our brains have a useful, but easily short-circuited, pattern matching mechanism. Unfortunately, that mechanism is not selective about the patterns it remembers. The key to recovery is to reframe our memories so that our brain recognizes the correct pattern.
In your case, it is stuck on the things you mention. When you start to feel triggery, step back in a way that is comfortable to you, and at some point reassess the situation. "I felt X because it reminded me of Y, but that feeling wasn't about that moment, it was a memory of that other bad person/event that happened. Trust and feeling comfortable doesn't cause bad things to happen. That individual was the only person responsible. I can't control the behavior of others, I can only control how I react to my feelings." Etc. It won't be instantaneous or painless, but eventually, you will be able to feel soothed and comforted because you will have successfully attached the memory to the time and place it belongs, and it will no longer be able to affect how you perceive the present.
(And ask R to reassure you and soothe you in a different way. There is nothing bad about saying "R, the best way to make me feel comfortable is to NOT say those things, but to express them some other way." )
posted by gjc at 7:47 AM on June 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
I heard a news report (something like NPR) where they said that in treading soldiers with PTSD, that the key to their treatment and recovery was talk-time. The sooner, and more often, they spoke with therapists, the better off they were. Didn't even have to be particularly therapeutic talk, but simply talking. Building and reinforcing trust in themselves and others and recalibrating their reactions and perceptions for their current reality, not a memory of a different reality.
The key is teaching yourself to trust yourself and others. Our brains have a useful, but easily short-circuited, pattern matching mechanism. Unfortunately, that mechanism is not selective about the patterns it remembers. The key to recovery is to reframe our memories so that our brain recognizes the correct pattern.
In your case, it is stuck on the things you mention. When you start to feel triggery, step back in a way that is comfortable to you, and at some point reassess the situation. "I felt X because it reminded me of Y, but that feeling wasn't about that moment, it was a memory of that other bad person/event that happened. Trust and feeling comfortable doesn't cause bad things to happen. That individual was the only person responsible. I can't control the behavior of others, I can only control how I react to my feelings." Etc. It won't be instantaneous or painless, but eventually, you will be able to feel soothed and comforted because you will have successfully attached the memory to the time and place it belongs, and it will no longer be able to affect how you perceive the present.
(And ask R to reassure you and soothe you in a different way. There is nothing bad about saying "R, the best way to make me feel comfortable is to NOT say those things, but to express them some other way." )
posted by gjc at 7:47 AM on June 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
Hm, I don't typically think it's the best idea to switch therapists, but your situation might be an exception. You really need someone trained specifically in long term childhood sexual abuse. Could you look up therapists in your area trained in schema therapy or cognitive processing therapy? I know it's hard to leave a therapist you like, but one that gives you the correct tools to handle this pain might really change your life.
posted by namesarehard at 10:07 AM on June 2, 2011
posted by namesarehard at 10:07 AM on June 2, 2011
Okay, this might sound really weird, but considering the structure of the feedback network you've described, you may wish to try systematic desensitization to help you overcome your fears of relaxation. That's a strand that's keeping everything else tangled, so attack that first.
This will probably require getting a different therapist. Systematic desensitization is about as directed as it gets.
posted by a snickering nuthatch at 10:44 AM on June 2, 2011
This will probably require getting a different therapist. Systematic desensitization is about as directed as it gets.
posted by a snickering nuthatch at 10:44 AM on June 2, 2011
Do you take caffeine in any form? Coffee, tea, anything? Don't. Decreasing your baseline level of autonomic arousal will help reduce the severity of your reactions.
posted by a snickering nuthatch at 10:44 AM on June 2, 2011
posted by a snickering nuthatch at 10:44 AM on June 2, 2011
There is what you perceive, and what you feel. Your feelings can come in reaction to your perceptions, but also in reaction to other feelings! If you find yourself in panic because certain feelings won't go away, remind yourself that your feelings won't kill you, despite how unpleasant they are. If a feeling or thought is counterproductive, try to gently dismiss it, and if you start feeling bad about how you have failed to gently dismiss a feeling or thought, try to gently dismiss that, and so on and so on.
posted by a snickering nuthatch at 10:45 AM on June 2, 2011
posted by a snickering nuthatch at 10:45 AM on June 2, 2011
One way in which triggering has such a hold on us is by biasing our processing of ambiguous stimuli towards more threatening interpretations. Perhaps you can react to being triggered by engaging in an activity that does not leave any room for alternative interpretations.
I would imagine an activity like knitting would be excellent, though I haven't tried it myself. I don't think there aren't a lot of opportunities for threatening alternative interpretations of knitting. Reading and social interaction both leave lots of room for alternative interpretations, so you might want to avoid those while triggered, at least until you feel more comfortable re your ability to cognitively handle yourself at those times.
posted by a snickering nuthatch at 10:52 AM on June 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
I would imagine an activity like knitting would be excellent, though I haven't tried it myself. I don't think there aren't a lot of opportunities for threatening alternative interpretations of knitting. Reading and social interaction both leave lots of room for alternative interpretations, so you might want to avoid those while triggered, at least until you feel more comfortable re your ability to cognitively handle yourself at those times.
posted by a snickering nuthatch at 10:52 AM on June 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
Best answer: for some of my triggers, i try to re-contextualize them. sometimes i get flashes of certain carpets, and i know what house i was in, and then i know what my brother did to me in that house, on that carpet, and then i'm off and triggered. so a few years ago when i'd think of the carpet, and then the house, and then my brother, i'd force my brain to go one step further - i would remember one thing, unspoiled by my brother - one thing that was mine in that house, one happy, completely untainted memory. then the next time i thought of that carpet, that house, i'd try to think of that same happy thing again. i still think of my brother, but not just him and the trigger seems less severe, less scary. it's like i'm making my brain accept that not all of my memories are traumatic.
this is harder for purely emotional triggers - but not impossible. when you get triggered by R being nice to you or comforting you, remember another time that R was nice to you, that R comforted you. allow yourself to fully remember how he didn't hurt you. remember another time, force yourself again to remember that he didn't hurt you. go through it as many times as you need to.
finally, when i first started working on my triggers, i'd get that flee instinct and i wouldn't suppress it. i don't mean emotionally flee or cut off contact, i mean quite literally flee - go for a run, a hike, a bike ride, a rock climbing excursion. get your adrenaline up on your own terms. i would run until i couldn't feel my lungs, until i couldn't think of anything but taking my next breath. i would imagine pounding the trigger out of me with every foot fall.
i wish you the best of luck.
posted by nadawi at 11:47 AM on June 2, 2011 [3 favorites]
this is harder for purely emotional triggers - but not impossible. when you get triggered by R being nice to you or comforting you, remember another time that R was nice to you, that R comforted you. allow yourself to fully remember how he didn't hurt you. remember another time, force yourself again to remember that he didn't hurt you. go through it as many times as you need to.
finally, when i first started working on my triggers, i'd get that flee instinct and i wouldn't suppress it. i don't mean emotionally flee or cut off contact, i mean quite literally flee - go for a run, a hike, a bike ride, a rock climbing excursion. get your adrenaline up on your own terms. i would run until i couldn't feel my lungs, until i couldn't think of anything but taking my next breath. i would imagine pounding the trigger out of me with every foot fall.
i wish you the best of luck.
posted by nadawi at 11:47 AM on June 2, 2011 [3 favorites]
There's lots of good advice and tools above: I hope some of them work well for you.
To expand on gjc's "When you start to feel triggery, step back in a way that is comfortable to you, and at some point reassess the situation," I would like to mention a tool that works well for my PTSD. My therapist suggested that I look not just at the triggers but at my whole environment to help me identify anything, however odd or trivial it might be, that tends to go along with being triggered.
I have a list of physical symptoms (e.g. dehydration, fatigue), emotional states (being stressed out from work is a big one for me), environments, words and phrases, sounds, and other factors that I know, having taken the effort to analyze several episodes after the fact, are signs that I need to be more on guard against freaking out. When I notice that multiple factors are coming into play, I do what I can to reduce the effects of the "easy to trigger" situation I'm in and take extra care to avoid potential triggers. Even when I can't stop my reaction, I have the knowledge that this is happening because I'm in a difficult situation and have gotten overwhelmed to help carry me through.
posted by thatdawnperson at 5:10 PM on June 2, 2011
To expand on gjc's "When you start to feel triggery, step back in a way that is comfortable to you, and at some point reassess the situation," I would like to mention a tool that works well for my PTSD. My therapist suggested that I look not just at the triggers but at my whole environment to help me identify anything, however odd or trivial it might be, that tends to go along with being triggered.
I have a list of physical symptoms (e.g. dehydration, fatigue), emotional states (being stressed out from work is a big one for me), environments, words and phrases, sounds, and other factors that I know, having taken the effort to analyze several episodes after the fact, are signs that I need to be more on guard against freaking out. When I notice that multiple factors are coming into play, I do what I can to reduce the effects of the "easy to trigger" situation I'm in and take extra care to avoid potential triggers. Even when I can't stop my reaction, I have the knowledge that this is happening because I'm in a difficult situation and have gotten overwhelmed to help carry me through.
posted by thatdawnperson at 5:10 PM on June 2, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
It sounds like you're interested in a cognitive behavioral approach. Is that something your therapist can help you with?
posted by willhopkins at 9:30 PM on June 1, 2011