Put the ball in her court, nothing happened. Keep trying?
May 16, 2011 5:13 PM   Subscribe

Went on two great dates with a girl I really liked. Texted for a third date and didn't get a response. Move on? Or reach out one last time?

I'm normally pretty good at gauging whether or not I'm connecting with someone and in this case, I really thought I was. For context, we had loosely discussed a third date on our second, and a few days afterward as well (I proposed a later date and she suggested maybe even sooner). So I was sort of shocked when I received no response when I tried to make official plans last Thursday and I figure that if she was really interested she would have gotten back to me by now.

There is still some socially inept part of me that wants to follow up and reach out one last time in a "hey did you get my message last week?" sort of way, to ensure that my message wasn't lost or failed to send on her side or something. But I also don't want to put her on the spot in case she WAS blowing me off and in case she did in fact want to avoid the awkwardness of turning me down by just not responding (which I understand some people will do, in our day and age). The last thing I want to do is be one of those guys that creep out or annoy a woman who isn't interested.

Is there any tactful way to go about this? Or is it time to pack it up and move on?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (29 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
 
You have no way of knowing whether she received your text. This is why texting is a really bad communication medium for important messages, especially with people you don't know very well. You should pick up the phone and call her. Say that you're sorry you didn't connect last week, but that you'd like to see her again if she's up for it.
posted by decathecting at 5:16 PM on May 16, 2011 [20 favorites]


Just call her. Suck it up and forget about any fear, and. just. call. I wouldn't even mention the text and the asking out on a date, just call her and talk to her like you normally would with someone you like. There is no harm in that at all at this point in your dating!
posted by foxhat10 at 5:17 PM on May 16, 2011 [5 favorites]


I'd call her instead of texting her. You're dating her, after all, and that gives you an excuse to want to talk to her instead of just SMSing.

And it's perfectly okay to say, "Hey, just wanted to check back with you about that date."
posted by misha at 5:17 PM on May 16, 2011


Pick up the phone and call. If she is avoiding you, she will likely not answer or return your call. I have had some texts take days to get through. Perhaps that happened here? Only one way to know.
posted by murrey at 5:18 PM on May 16, 2011 [1 favorite]


Dates are made on the phone. Texting is for driving and crashing.
posted by Max Power at 5:24 PM on May 16, 2011 [35 favorites]


Yes, give her a call. If she wants to ignore you, she still has that option.
posted by milestogo at 5:27 PM on May 16, 2011 [2 favorites]


Agree with the calling. If you want be "politer", you could say, "Hey, how about we meet some time this week or next? Why don't you look up your schedule and call me back or text me in case you are free?"

This leaves her free to decide if she wants to with you, but removes the burden of making that decision when you call her.
posted by theobserver at 5:31 PM on May 16, 2011


Have you spoken on the phone? It might be a good idea to just call.

I know I've missed text messages from time to time.
posted by the young rope-rider at 5:32 PM on May 16, 2011


I agree with everybody else. Call her.
posted by iati at 5:42 PM on May 16, 2011 [1 favorite]


Call. Nothing to lose.
posted by Ironmouth at 5:45 PM on May 16, 2011


Calling once more won't hurt. People do lose texts. Or sometimes, they're on the fence, for whatever reason. A text isn't going to tip them your way 9 times out of 10. Actually talking to you simultaneously, by voice (i.e. on the phone or in person), might. Communicating by text with someone you don't already have an established relationship with (friendship, romantic, business, or otherwise) will just not strengthen your relationship at all, generally. So anyway, call once more. And in the future, with new relationships (of any sort), don't communicate by text. And I mean at all, if possible. Just say you don't text. People were fine without texting for... ever. You won't miss out on anything.
posted by gauchodaspampas at 5:48 PM on May 16, 2011 [3 favorites]


Texts are less formal, less personal, and way less vulnerable than phone calls. Thus, they're far less impressive/romantic/what-have-you.

Call.
posted by IAmBroom at 5:54 PM on May 16, 2011 [2 favorites]


One time I began texting someone about our date that evening, which we'd had to reschedule from the week before.

I was both incredulous and offended when he didn't seem to remember our date at all. In fact he seemed fuzzy about who I was.

It was then that I discovered that unlike previous phones, my new phone allowed me to save multiple people under the same name. And I was texting a same-named fellow I had gone on one date with a couple months before.

This was mortifying for a variety of reasons.

Moral of the story: call, don't text. Especially for the third date.
posted by crackingdes at 5:58 PM on May 16, 2011 [7 favorites]


Noone wants to be romanced by text (for setting up dates)...unless maybe they're 12. Call.
posted by FlyByDay at 5:59 PM on May 16, 2011 [2 favorites]


What you have to lose - rejection.
What you have to gain - acceptance, fun, great girl.
Unknown - did she get text? was she annoyed that you texted instead of called? was the text ambiguous?

Call her.

Update the thread so we know how it went.
posted by theora55 at 6:10 PM on May 16, 2011 [3 favorites]


Yeah, call. This early in the dating, there could even still be some obnoxious Rules thing going on where a text is insufficiently formal or whatever. (Hopefully not, but...)
posted by salvia at 6:18 PM on May 16, 2011


Poke her on Facebook.
posted by tumid dahlia at 6:23 PM on May 16, 2011 [7 favorites]


Max Power FTW!!!! :D

Anyway, yeah, just call. If you get her voicemail, leave a message. If her VM is full, call again in a day or two. And the fact that she hasn't gotten back to you may have nothing to do with you. Maybe something urgent came up. Either way, it's been two dates. Don't sweat it.
posted by foxjacket at 6:54 PM on May 16, 2011


Asking someone out on a date calls for a medium that's conducive to consistently forming complete, intelligible sentences. Texting isn't that.
posted by John Cohen at 7:13 PM on May 16, 2011 [2 favorites]


Not picking on you, personally, just asking for general info - do they not teach that idea in comm class anymore that different channels of communication are better for different things, and that you should use "richer" channels for more important things?

I mean, geez, I'm sorry, I'm a fogey of 44, and I'm an e-mailing fool, and I use texting for some things, but I just can't imagine asking for an important social commitment by text.

OTOH, I'm aware that some people don't answer the frickin' phone anymore...

I still think you should call.
posted by randomkeystrike at 7:15 PM on May 16, 2011 [2 favorites]


Totally call and leave a voice mail if she doesn't answer. Not creepy to call once even if she's on the fence about the text.
posted by freshwater at 7:17 PM on May 16, 2011


Yes, call her! She may not have received the text. So what do you have to lose at this point? Nothing! If she doesn't want to date you, then you'll confirm that with the call. Otherwise, she could be sitting there wondering why the hell you haven't contacted her.
posted by Sal and Richard at 7:23 PM on May 16, 2011


just asking for general info - do they not teach that idea in comm class anymore that different channels of communication are better for different things, and that you should use "richer" channels for more important things?

I don't think so. A 24-year old friend of mine recently asked what was a polite way to text someone to explain that she hadn't listened to their voicemail yet and could they just text her instead if it was important? She thinks that listening to voicemail takes too much time. I explained that in the amount of time she has asked me she could have listened to the damn voicemail and decided if she had to respond or not. Not all 20-somethings have this problem but I've seen it happen a lot lately. I do not know if anonymous is a 20-something.

Call her.
posted by Bunglegirl at 7:25 PM on May 16, 2011 [2 favorites]


decathecting: "You have no way of knowing whether she received your text. This is why texting is a really bad communication medium for important messages, especially with people you don't know very well. You should pick up the phone and call her. Say that you're sorry you didn't connect last week, but that you'd like to see her again if she's up for it"

Agree that the OP should just call her but wtf? Surely you'll get a delivery report? And I've sent thousands of texts and never had a one not arrive - is there any reason why this might be likely?

posted by turkeyphant at 7:52 PM on May 16, 2011


I've definitely sent texts that didn't arrive. I don't know why it happens but it absolutely does.

Just call.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:06 PM on May 16, 2011


Agree that the OP should just call her but wtf? Surely you'll get a delivery report? And I've sent thousands of texts and never had a one not arrive - is there any reason why this might be likely?

I've never heard of a "delivery report" for a text message. You're in the UK and I'm in the US, so maybe it's a difference of technology, but my phone gives me no indication beyond "Sent" of what happens to my texts. And I've definitely had people tell me that they didn't get my text. I suppose they could be lying, but the point is that, in my experience, it is possible for a text not to go through at all, and for the sender to be unaware that there was any problem.
posted by decathecting at 8:12 PM on May 16, 2011


Call her! Text messages are unreliable, and can be delayed or just not arrive. It has happened to me several times.

Call her! And good luck.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 9:11 PM on May 16, 2011


You kids and your texting. I'll never understand it. I miss texts all the time. Pick. Up. The. Phone. "hey, I sent you a text last week. I wasn't sure if you got it. Would you like to go out on Friday?"
posted by bananafish at 10:45 PM on May 16, 2011 [2 favorites]


Definitely call for something like this I can't count how many times I've sent a text, waited anxiously/feverishly for a response, only to discover the recipient had lost their phone, out of text allowance for the month, saw it but forgot to respond, etc.

But in defense of other fellow twentysomethings, it is faster to read a text than to listen to a voicemail. The time that it takes to click and read a text is a lot shorter than the time to dial, punch in your code, listen, etc. Plus I find people tend to communicate a lot more clearly via written text message than in often-rambly voicemails.

I'm not saying that texts are good for all situations -- like this one! -- but I do think in a lot of situations they're just less annoying and quicker than voicemail.

posted by andrewesque at 1:15 PM on May 17, 2011


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