We can't just throw away our wedding photos, can we?

April 29, 2011 9:33 AM

What should we do with our wedding photos now that we're getting divorced?

We have a bunch of lovely photographs from our wedding, but now that we're getting divorced I have--we have--no idea what to do with them or how one gets rid of such things. What did you do? What do people do?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (29 answers total)

Put them in a box and decide in 5 years.
posted by bluedaisy at 9:34 AM on April 29, 2011 [24 favorites]

If you have kids, definitely keep them. I have my parent's pictures, and am glad they were not tossed. If you don't have kids, I like the idea of keeping them for 5 years and then deciding what to do. At that point, you may want to split them up or simply get rid of the evidence!
posted by maxg94 at 9:42 AM on April 29, 2011 [3 favorites]

Keep them. In 40 years you'll be glad you did.
posted by monospace at 9:42 AM on April 29, 2011

My mother kept hers (from both prior marriages; I am a product of her second marriage.) We looked through them just last week - admittedly, the status of one set as "the only photo I have of your grandmother" adds to the significance, but all of us kids loved peeking at the past. And, uh, mocking the fashions of the 1970s.

I say keep them. Mom's are stored in the back of a chest of drawers with the emergency candles.
posted by SMPA at 9:45 AM on April 29, 2011

Do you have children? If so, keep them for the children.

If not, keep one or two dump the rest and move on.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 9:45 AM on April 29, 2011

Not exactly the same situation, but I once called off an engagement. The next day the first thing I did was ask my jeweler to store the engagement ring in their vault for a week so I didn't do anything rash.

Keep your photos safe, but put them out of sight for awhile. Time will lend you perspective you may not have now.
posted by m@f at 9:45 AM on April 29, 2011

I'm getting a couple of possible spins on your question, so I'm going to address each of them.

1) On one hand, it sounds like both your minds are made up that you want to get rid of them, but you feel like it's weird that you do. If that's where your head is, then don't worry about it -- you have our permission to just throw them out if that's what you both want to do. If it still feels vaguely skeevy, maybe make some kind of symbolic ritual out of it (either together or separately), where you bury them or destroy them in some symbolic way (burning, shredding, etc.), once the divorce is finalized. But if you're basically asking "we both want to just throw them out, but that just feels weird doing that, are we evil to just want to?" then...no, you're not evil.

2) On the other hand, if one of you wants to get rid of them but the other one doesn't, then...the person who doesn't want to get rid of them gets possession, and can decide what to do as they choose.

Good luck. It's not hard to see why something like this isn't a bit more fraught with emotion than any other picture is, and why this may feel harder than usual. But I get the hunch that your minds are both made up that you want to just chuck them, so...do so.

Oh, bonus idea:

3) If you have a theater company in your area, see if they'll accept a donation to their "props department." Some theaters keep all sorts of weird stuff on hand to use in plays -- if they want them, maybe your wedding picture may end up gracing the set during the company's next production of THE MOUSETRAP or something.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:46 AM on April 29, 2011

Mine are still in a trunk in the basement, 8 years after the divorce. I guess when I die they'll get thrown out. Or worse, end up on somebody's website as something to make fun of.
posted by JanetLand at 9:49 AM on April 29, 2011 [1 favorite]

You might want to scan a few of the better ones to have the shots available of what you and your relatives looked like at the time (I am biased, here, as one of the better late-life pictures of my now-deceased father was taken at someone's wedding). Then, yeah, toss them or go with a theater company. If you go with trashing them and just throwing them out feels weird, how about burning or shredding, so you've destroyed them rather than just discarding them?
posted by rmd1023 at 10:00 AM on April 29, 2011

Yes, if you have kids, please do keep a few of them. My mother destroyed all the photos of her wedding to my father when they divorced - burned them gleefully, if I remember correctly. It makes me terribly sad to have never seen any pictures, even though I'm quite all right with them being divorced.
posted by Lulu's Pink Converse at 10:04 AM on April 29, 2011

My mother burned them, but my dad secretly was able to save some and had them until the day he died. As the kids who never really knew them married, my brother and I really cherished having that part of our shared history. Even if it was super bizarre to see them together like that.
posted by sweetmarie at 10:11 AM on April 29, 2011 [2 favorites]

Wedding photographs are more than just a record of the two of you. They contain a record of your family as it was at that moment in time.

Put them away for a few years. Maybe a bunch of years. Time will give you perspective, and you might be surprised that other members of your family will value you them in the future (even if you don't have children) more than you do.
posted by anastasiav at 10:13 AM on April 29, 2011 [2 favorites]

Keep them. Your marriage is something that actually did happen in your life, and the photos document it. Unless the marriage was so traumatic from start to finish that you can't bear to be reminded of it, I think it's worth keeping that documentation of your life.
posted by adamrice at 10:14 AM on April 29, 2011 [3 favorites]

Probably keep them, but it's up to you.

On the practical side, when I got divorced, my ex got the prints, and I got the negatives. I have them in a box in the closet.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 10:23 AM on April 29, 2011

My grandma has pictures from my first and second wedding in the family photo albums. I recently went through her pictures and scanned the ones I wanted, and the wedding pictures were among them. One reason I wanted them was because at my weddings I looked my absolute best, and some of those pictures were the best ever taken of me. It was nice to be reminded of how pretty I was back in the day. It was also fun to look at the ex-husbands and wonder what the heck I ever saw in them (well, in the dorky first one anyway...lol.)

My daughter actually stole my wedding album from when I married her dad, to have as a keepsake. And she was very curious about my ex-husband and our hippie-style outdoor first wedding, and she appreciated having the old photos around to check out.

Going through my grandma's pictures, there were a lot of photos of my mother that her hated second husband had been cut out of. I loathed him too, but I was strangely disappointed that there were no pics of him in the album. Particularly since my mom mentioned that my brother "looks more and more like his dad all the time"... I didn't really think so as far as I can remember, but it would have been interesting to have the pictures to compare. (Also I bet my brother would kind of liked to have seen the pics as well.)
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 10:27 AM on April 29, 2011

I think it depends on the divorce. Mine was amicable and I still have good memories from the marriage, so I'm glad I kept them (we divided p the physical copies and also have digital images). I keep them put away so I don't just randomly stmble on them, but I can look if I want.

I imagine it would be different depending on how you view the marriage now but that can change.
posted by wildcrdj at 10:29 AM on April 29, 2011

You could do what my sister did - she kept all six of her wedding photo albums, but in each one she has scissored out the groom, so there are all these man-shaped spaces throughout the albums where her many ex-husbands once stood. She's even kept the ones of the groomsmen, but with the groom missing.
posted by essexjan at 10:30 AM on April 29, 2011 [5 favorites]

keep 'em; for all the reasons above and more. You never know, 15 years from now you may get back together, it happens.
posted by zombieApoc at 10:35 AM on April 29, 2011

I can tell you that years later I regretted getting rid of some things like that, even though at the time I thought I was sure (indifferent sure, not angry sure). And I'm not big on those types of things, normally, it just really saddens me that I tossed them away and I can't ever have them back - now, with some perspective, I'd like that box back, to the point where I'm a little teary thinking about it.

If you really don't think you care, stick them in a box and put them in the closet or the basement and in a few years if you still don't care, then decide.
posted by mrs. taters at 10:45 AM on April 29, 2011

Someone who was at my wedding three years ago recently passed away. I gave his wife a picture of them together from the wedding. I say keep them, but maybe in a box where you don't have to look at them.
posted by bananafish at 10:57 AM on April 29, 2011 [1 favorite]

You keep the ones that eventually you might want to look at. Definitely keep the ones mostly featuring your own family members and friends, because I can guarantee that in some cases that's the last good photo of that person you'll have of them where they're looking like they're happy and having a good time... both my grandmas, and a few other friends of the family passed away in the few years after I married. I put them away in a photo album buried in my bookshelf.

I kept a few of the pictures of me in my wedding dress on that day, because I looked amazing and I worked so hard on that event, not even a scorched-earth divorce can take away every last little pleasant memory of that day.

Since he gave me the photo album and wanted nothing to do with the pictures, I just got rid of any photo that wasn't important to me. In the "hell freezes over" scenario where someone wants those photos I tossed, the photographer still has the negatives.
posted by lizbunny at 11:02 AM on April 29, 2011

What happened happened (good and bad); you can't shut off that part of your life and not expect it to affect what comes after it.

Put them away -- not in the living room bookcase, but not in the basement, either. Maybe keep it with any stuff you have from your college days.

If you decide to get into a serious relationship again, odds are that you might find another person who's been divorced too. The photos are probably worth looking over together, in whatever form that might take. Maybe you'll laugh at them; maybe your new partner will grump about what you've told him/her about your ex; maybe you'll use them for reference of what to do and what not to do for your NEXT wedding! Wheeee! (I'm headed there myself.)

Your past has made you what you are today, and gives you more experience for the future. My wedding day was freaky, but the arrangements themselves were one of the bright spots in an otherwise lackluster marriage. I'm proud of that, and I'm proud to take ownership of what happened before, during and after the ceremony. Honesty is always the best.
posted by Madamina at 11:10 AM on April 29, 2011 [1 favorite]

My first marraige was nightmarish and although I was thrilled to be divorced, I felt weird tossing the wedding photos. That weirdness went away a few months later and happily dumped them. I do not regret throwing them away.

Keep them stored away until you know you won't ever want to look at them again (which may never happen).
posted by murrey at 12:32 PM on April 29, 2011

Even if you don't have kids now, save them for the kids you might have some day. After my mother died, I found the pictures from her first wedding and I truly love having them.

Her first wedding was the "big deal" wedding--so those are the only photos of her all done up in a big gown. Your kids may find their own special glimpses of their mom in your photos too.
posted by divka at 1:18 PM on April 29, 2011 [1 favorite]

It sounds like you don't have children from this marriage, otherwise you probably wouldn't be asking this. But divka beat me to saying that you should save these photos for any future children you might have, or even nieces or nephews. Maybe toss the super-closeups of the lovey-dovey post-vow kisses, but it was still a family event that other future family members who are completely removed from any present acrimony will almost definitely want to see.
posted by thebazilist at 2:08 PM on April 29, 2011 [1 favorite]

My mother recently gave my her and my dad's wedding photos. Having them really means a lot to me. Is there someone in your life who will see your marriage from a different perspective than you do, who might really want them? It wouldn't have to be your children. It could be a friend who has known both of you for years, or an older relative with an interest in family history.
posted by Sara C. at 4:11 PM on April 29, 2011

maybe your wedding picture may end up gracing the set during the company's next production of THE MOUSETRAP or something.

Where it can be a source of interesting conversation when you go to the theater for a first date. Discussing with your ex before doing things with the photos where they will turn up without warning in public places would be polite.

Keep them, you probably look good in the pictures, when you are old and grey you can look back on them. There's probably a lot of pictures of friends and relatives as well. I see a lot of photos from 20 years back that people are sharing on facebook -- I've had a few friends who have been delighted to show me their old crowd from back when and back where.

It's nice to have the option to look through old pictures from back when. Save them for the future you.

If you don't want to keep the album around as a tangible object to deal with, send them off to be scanned or something. Don't count on the photographer keeping copies, for all you know it will be hard to track them down or they'll want an outrageous fee.

If you really can't stand the thought of having photos of your ex, photoshop.
posted by yohko at 12:34 AM on April 30, 2011

This is why god made scanners. Scan them in, you each keep a copy, you can even upload them to whatever photo service, keep it private, passworded, that way you've still got the copy if/when your dvd goes south (he said ruefully, having just lost irreplaceable data off of what turned out to be a crappy quality cd, recorded maybe eight years ago.)
posted by dancestoblue at 1:45 PM on April 30, 2011

Scan them, put them on cd/dvd; you each get a set. Then he takes originals of his family, you take the ones with yours. The rest of the originals you divide quickly. If this is as bad as it gets, you are having a civilized divorced; well done.
posted by theora55 at 2:18 PM on May 1, 2011