DTMFA
April 2, 2011 10:20 AM Subscribe
Okay I'm crazy, now what?
I'm that the girl. The crazy jealous girl that people in these types of threads seem to regard with disdain. Insecure and scared. The MF in DTMFA. But I don't want to be. I so desperately don't want to be. I WANT to be normal, happy, sane, confident.
I'm not suicidal and I don't self harm but I have a tremendously difficult time with obsessive thinking and an inability to let things go. Like, unable to do the dishes or go to work or get dressed type of paralysis regarding issues in my relationship, accompanied by lots of tears. The knots in my stomach are the worst, making me feel like I can't escape my own discomfort no matter what. My mind literally feels like it's on a merry go round. Around and around and around in this infinite loop. This happens several times a month. The rest of the month, I'm okay, I have a grip on things, and I always think that maybe this phase is over.
This "phase" has lasted more than two years and been through three therapists. I don't have the money or patience for anymore therapy. It's not working. The only thing that helps is self-medicating with Vicodin during my worst moments and for a few hours I feel sane. I can focus on other things and relax. I have lost 20 pounds due to anxiety. A skeleton is what is left from my previous self, figuratively and almost literally.
So there has to be a solution, right? Will SSRI's help? Medical marijuana?
I am at my limit.
I'm that the girl. The crazy jealous girl that people in these types of threads seem to regard with disdain. Insecure and scared. The MF in DTMFA. But I don't want to be. I so desperately don't want to be. I WANT to be normal, happy, sane, confident.
I'm not suicidal and I don't self harm but I have a tremendously difficult time with obsessive thinking and an inability to let things go. Like, unable to do the dishes or go to work or get dressed type of paralysis regarding issues in my relationship, accompanied by lots of tears. The knots in my stomach are the worst, making me feel like I can't escape my own discomfort no matter what. My mind literally feels like it's on a merry go round. Around and around and around in this infinite loop. This happens several times a month. The rest of the month, I'm okay, I have a grip on things, and I always think that maybe this phase is over.
This "phase" has lasted more than two years and been through three therapists. I don't have the money or patience for anymore therapy. It's not working. The only thing that helps is self-medicating with Vicodin during my worst moments and for a few hours I feel sane. I can focus on other things and relax. I have lost 20 pounds due to anxiety. A skeleton is what is left from my previous self, figuratively and almost literally.
So there has to be a solution, right? Will SSRI's help? Medical marijuana?
I am at my limit.
Respectfully.....I don't have a simple solution for you, but It's not that therapy doesn't work it's that people don't work in therapy. Ask these questions of the next therapist that you commit to.
posted by txmon at 10:25 AM on April 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by txmon at 10:25 AM on April 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
I do not know how to help you, but I will tell you that you are not the MF that everyone says to DTMFA.
The MF is a jerk that is not even trying to get help. You are a person with an illness that you are desperately struggling to overcome. If you are experiencing self-hate, it's probably coming from the illness. None of us would hate you for this.
posted by tel3path at 10:26 AM on April 2, 2011 [37 favorites]
The MF is a jerk that is not even trying to get help. You are a person with an illness that you are desperately struggling to overcome. If you are experiencing self-hate, it's probably coming from the illness. None of us would hate you for this.
posted by tel3path at 10:26 AM on April 2, 2011 [37 favorites]
A relative of mine(your age) has these problems that are at least in part due to loopy hormones. We've all basically had to sit her down and try to convince her that not everyone's monthly cycle puts them into crazy spirals, and now she's talking about it with her doctor. Turns out we have a family history of these sorts of problems. Anyhow, wouldn't hurt to run some tests.
posted by hermitosis at 10:28 AM on April 2, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by hermitosis at 10:28 AM on April 2, 2011 [3 favorites]
Ok well my 2 recommendations are
my 3 recomm:
Amongst my recommendations are:
Self applied trigger point therapy. This is mostly physical work but it has a big psychological component in my experience. Releasing physical knots causes a corresponding release in the self.
Body psychotherapy with a professional. There are different schools. I would find one that has an understanding of the trauma process. This gives you a safe space and support to complete physical processes that didn't complete at the time, and gain greater freedom.
A good book to read on trauma is 'waking the tiger', although the self help stuff in there isn't much use IMO.
An excellent system for releasing things working from an emotional standpoint is the Sedona method, the 20 CD set and workbook by Hale Dwoskin. Can't recommend it highly enough.
And don't forget diet, exercise, sleep etc. If you're stuck in something it's easy to think 'this is how it's always going to be, this is an intractable problem etc etc' but it's amazing how things can shift very quickly and if you're feeling better get a new perspective on the whole thing. These things directly affect brain chemistry, the same as any medication.
posted by Not Supplied at 10:31 AM on April 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
my 3 recomm:
Amongst my recommendations are:
Self applied trigger point therapy. This is mostly physical work but it has a big psychological component in my experience. Releasing physical knots causes a corresponding release in the self.
Body psychotherapy with a professional. There are different schools. I would find one that has an understanding of the trauma process. This gives you a safe space and support to complete physical processes that didn't complete at the time, and gain greater freedom.
A good book to read on trauma is 'waking the tiger', although the self help stuff in there isn't much use IMO.
An excellent system for releasing things working from an emotional standpoint is the Sedona method, the 20 CD set and workbook by Hale Dwoskin. Can't recommend it highly enough.
And don't forget diet, exercise, sleep etc. If you're stuck in something it's easy to think 'this is how it's always going to be, this is an intractable problem etc etc' but it's amazing how things can shift very quickly and if you're feeling better get a new perspective on the whole thing. These things directly affect brain chemistry, the same as any medication.
posted by Not Supplied at 10:31 AM on April 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
I'm sorry you're going through this.
Medical marijuana is a really bad idea for BPD. Don't go down that road.
Keep shopping around for the right therapy. Have you been doing DBT? Did the people you have been seeing specialize in treating BPD, or were their specialties (if any) elsewhere?
I would also recommend taking up some sort of exercise habit. I'm not you, but when I have anxiety attacks, going full-on hamster-wheel on a bicycle helps immeasurably.
posted by Sticherbeast at 10:32 AM on April 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
Medical marijuana is a really bad idea for BPD. Don't go down that road.
Keep shopping around for the right therapy. Have you been doing DBT? Did the people you have been seeing specialize in treating BPD, or were their specialties (if any) elsewhere?
I would also recommend taking up some sort of exercise habit. I'm not you, but when I have anxiety attacks, going full-on hamster-wheel on a bicycle helps immeasurably.
posted by Sticherbeast at 10:32 AM on April 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
I'd definitely talk to your doctor, and perhaps a psychiatrist or other medical professional who specializes in prescribing psych meds. It's totally possible this is a manifestation of a physical - not solely psychological - situation. And whether or not it is, it might be that some kind of psych drugs will chill out the escalating ouroboros in your head.
And, yeah, exercising and eating nutritiously are likely to help and certainly can't hurt.
posted by rmd1023 at 10:35 AM on April 2, 2011
And, yeah, exercising and eating nutritiously are likely to help and certainly can't hurt.
posted by rmd1023 at 10:35 AM on April 2, 2011
Whoa, whoa, whoa on the BPD: I know the OP put it in her tags, but we don't know for a fact that she's been formally diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, or if she's simply using the term because she thinks that's what she has (or if she might be confusing it with bipolar disorder). This is vital to know.
OP, could you contact a moderator and clarify? I think the feedback you get will be more helpful if we know more about this reference to BPD.
posted by scody at 10:39 AM on April 2, 2011 [16 favorites]
OP, could you contact a moderator and clarify? I think the feedback you get will be more helpful if we know more about this reference to BPD.
posted by scody at 10:39 AM on April 2, 2011 [16 favorites]
hi anon.
firstly, i'm sorry you are in so much pain. it's a rough and shitty place to be when you feel captured by the currents of your own mind. i've been there. i go in and out of there and it's never easy. talk therapy can be great for getting to the root of the obsessive thinking patterns but, imho, it isn't always great at figuring out how to calm those patterns.
part of not talking is just that. not talking. that's why vicodin worked for me as well. it shut up the evil master brain. but here's something i figured out after a bit. the vicodin makes things better until it doesn't. you are high, you are able to relax and the next day you are in even worse shape b/c you are hung over from the vicodin and more depressed.
there are a few things worth addressing: are you in an unhappy relationship, it's hard to tell from your post. you aren't in therapy now but what are you doing to make things better? meditating works for me. going to a lead mediation followed by some buddhist teachings works even better. it is important to change our points of view and to find places that provide us rest and which are not external to us. this is no magic bullet and doesn't work for everyone.
are there some unexamined traumas from your past? that is something that myriad forms of therapy can help with. and finally anon, you are responsible for your own happiness, it may sound trite but it's a powerful thing. you might be failing right now but that doesn't mean you will forever. commit yourself to finding internal peace, leave no stone unturned in this search, it's your only good choice.
posted by memi at 10:44 AM on April 2, 2011
firstly, i'm sorry you are in so much pain. it's a rough and shitty place to be when you feel captured by the currents of your own mind. i've been there. i go in and out of there and it's never easy. talk therapy can be great for getting to the root of the obsessive thinking patterns but, imho, it isn't always great at figuring out how to calm those patterns.
part of not talking is just that. not talking. that's why vicodin worked for me as well. it shut up the evil master brain. but here's something i figured out after a bit. the vicodin makes things better until it doesn't. you are high, you are able to relax and the next day you are in even worse shape b/c you are hung over from the vicodin and more depressed.
there are a few things worth addressing: are you in an unhappy relationship, it's hard to tell from your post. you aren't in therapy now but what are you doing to make things better? meditating works for me. going to a lead mediation followed by some buddhist teachings works even better. it is important to change our points of view and to find places that provide us rest and which are not external to us. this is no magic bullet and doesn't work for everyone.
are there some unexamined traumas from your past? that is something that myriad forms of therapy can help with. and finally anon, you are responsible for your own happiness, it may sound trite but it's a powerful thing. you might be failing right now but that doesn't mean you will forever. commit yourself to finding internal peace, leave no stone unturned in this search, it's your only good choice.
posted by memi at 10:44 AM on April 2, 2011
Mod note: From the OP:
Thank you for the responses so far. In regards to the BPD...I tagged it with that because I do suspect that it could be a very real possibility. I didn't want to make it the focus of the question due to the stigma of a lost cause, but perhaps it is relevant information. I have done a lot of reading and when I am having one my episodes, as I suppose that's what you could call it, I'm sure I come across as insane. But it's not an overarching part of my personality. If you met me on a good day, I don't think you would suspect it.posted by jessamyn (staff) at 10:56 AM on April 2, 2011
There are alot of women out there who will tell you that prescription birth control pills make them crazy. A smaller number of women actually feel more normal on the pill. It jumped out at me because you describe monthly fluctuations of feeling better then worse, and you might find that going on the pill puts you on an even keel. I feel just a little bit more volatile and emotional when I'm not on any form of hormonal birth control.
You probably need more help than just going on the pill, but it's a place to start and its easy enough to try it without confronting the rest of the machine of mental health care.
posted by slow graffiti at 10:57 AM on April 2, 2011 [2 favorites]
You probably need more help than just going on the pill, but it's a place to start and its easy enough to try it without confronting the rest of the machine of mental health care.
posted by slow graffiti at 10:57 AM on April 2, 2011 [2 favorites]
quietcoyote: Since I am a clinician, not a medical doctor, not your therapist or medical doctor, I can't speculate about whether or not SSRIs will work for you.
OP, you sound like you're having a really rough time. It sounds like trying a new therapist, a new therapy modality, or a psychiatrist has the potential to help, but even more important is taking an active and empowered role in your own getting-better. Self-medicating with vicodin gives you the illusion that you can sit back and not do anything in order to feel better, but that's a lie that your depression/anxiety are telling you. If you want to feel really, concretely better, you have to become active in making that happen, by stopping with the self-medication and figuring out what it is going to be that makes you feel better. Likely, it's therapy with a skills focus to help you deal more effectively with the stuff that is coming your way. DBT can be great for this, yes.
Lastly, now that I've seen your update--do not diagnose yourself. Go to a mental health professional you feel you can work with and trust, and work with 'em.
posted by so_gracefully at 11:00 AM on April 2, 2011 [2 favorites]
OP, you sound like you're having a really rough time. It sounds like trying a new therapist, a new therapy modality, or a psychiatrist has the potential to help, but even more important is taking an active and empowered role in your own getting-better. Self-medicating with vicodin gives you the illusion that you can sit back and not do anything in order to feel better, but that's a lie that your depression/anxiety are telling you. If you want to feel really, concretely better, you have to become active in making that happen, by stopping with the self-medication and figuring out what it is going to be that makes you feel better. Likely, it's therapy with a skills focus to help you deal more effectively with the stuff that is coming your way. DBT can be great for this, yes.
Lastly, now that I've seen your update--do not diagnose yourself. Go to a mental health professional you feel you can work with and trust, and work with 'em.
posted by so_gracefully at 11:00 AM on April 2, 2011 [2 favorites]
Will SSRI's help? Medical marijuana?
Quite possibly and probably not, respectively.
SSRIs have shown promise in treating depression, anxiety and obsessive/compulsive disorders (not that you've said anything that suggests "classic" OCD, but you did mention obsessive thoughts).
Medical marijuana could very well exacerbate the obsessive thinking and anxiety.
I'd suggest a multi-pronged approach. First, talk to your primary care doctor about SSRIs as well as the possibility of hormonal issues, as hermitosis mentioned above (if you're on birth control pills, you might want to consider a different medication or a different birth control method altogether and see if that helps. Second, consider therapy again, and try and find a therapist that's familiar with cognitive behavioral therapy. Third, pursue other stress-relief methods, including but not limited to exercise, massage, meditation and modifications to your diet.
posted by infinitywaltz at 11:00 AM on April 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
Quite possibly and probably not, respectively.
SSRIs have shown promise in treating depression, anxiety and obsessive/compulsive disorders (not that you've said anything that suggests "classic" OCD, but you did mention obsessive thoughts).
Medical marijuana could very well exacerbate the obsessive thinking and anxiety.
I'd suggest a multi-pronged approach. First, talk to your primary care doctor about SSRIs as well as the possibility of hormonal issues, as hermitosis mentioned above (if you're on birth control pills, you might want to consider a different medication or a different birth control method altogether and see if that helps. Second, consider therapy again, and try and find a therapist that's familiar with cognitive behavioral therapy. Third, pursue other stress-relief methods, including but not limited to exercise, massage, meditation and modifications to your diet.
posted by infinitywaltz at 11:00 AM on April 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
No to medical marijuana. If anything, it tends to exacerbate obsessive thinking and anxiety, despite your picture of a stoner sitting on a couch watching cartoons and eating Doritos.
posted by J. Wilson at 11:11 AM on April 2, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by J. Wilson at 11:11 AM on April 2, 2011 [2 favorites]
If you haven't ruled out neurological, endocrine, or other physical conditions, do so. I am much less of a pain to deal with all around when my migraine issues are properly medicated. Changes in my baseline crazy result in a call to my neuro and we adjust accordingly.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 11:17 AM on April 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 11:17 AM on April 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
I've had serious anxiety issues in the past and here's two things that have helped me deal with it:
- I cut out all caffeine, and severely restricted my sugar intake. Both of these things cause mood swings, and with my anxiety, even a little nudge from my body could send me into a full-on panic attack. I try to home-cook as much as I possibly can from fresh ingredients, just to make sure that there aren't any other random things going into my body. If I keep my body on the level, it's easier for me to keep my mind on the level. The same goes for regular exercise.
- Mindfulness meditation. I really really loved Turning the Mind into an Ally but there are tons of wonderful books and CDs on mindfulness out there. I don't meditate often now (although i really want to), but the message that I don't have to go wherever my mind wants me to go is a powerful one.
I'm still not perfect and I still get panic attacks, but that's only when i don't follow the two guidelines above. Good luck.
posted by ukdanae at 11:39 AM on April 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
- I cut out all caffeine, and severely restricted my sugar intake. Both of these things cause mood swings, and with my anxiety, even a little nudge from my body could send me into a full-on panic attack. I try to home-cook as much as I possibly can from fresh ingredients, just to make sure that there aren't any other random things going into my body. If I keep my body on the level, it's easier for me to keep my mind on the level. The same goes for regular exercise.
- Mindfulness meditation. I really really loved Turning the Mind into an Ally but there are tons of wonderful books and CDs on mindfulness out there. I don't meditate often now (although i really want to), but the message that I don't have to go wherever my mind wants me to go is a powerful one.
I'm still not perfect and I still get panic attacks, but that's only when i don't follow the two guidelines above. Good luck.
posted by ukdanae at 11:39 AM on April 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
OP, I don't know if you're borderline. I do know that borderline personality disorder was the diagnosis my therapist gave to my insurance company lo these many years ago, and there are elements of your description that are familiar to me.
SSRIs helped a lot. Marijuana was catastrophic. What helped the most was a really competent therapist who practiced a modality that included DBT and hypnotherapy. My previous exposure (through media &c) had left me with a terrible impression of hypnotherapy, but it was immediately and startlingly effective. I no longer see my therapist regularly or take the SSRIs regularly, and nobody considers me to currently have BPD. So I guess that's a success story.
posted by KathrynT at 11:44 AM on April 2, 2011
SSRIs helped a lot. Marijuana was catastrophic. What helped the most was a really competent therapist who practiced a modality that included DBT and hypnotherapy. My previous exposure (through media &c) had left me with a terrible impression of hypnotherapy, but it was immediately and startlingly effective. I no longer see my therapist regularly or take the SSRIs regularly, and nobody considers me to currently have BPD. So I guess that's a success story.
posted by KathrynT at 11:44 AM on April 2, 2011
What triggers the anxiety, do you think? I've never thought that the crazy girlfriend everyone has disdain for is actually acting in a vacuum and is simply crazy. I've seen questions here that have been like, "I had sex with this chick and she wants to have breakfast the next morning. How do I draw my boundaries?" And then a gaggle of comments will be like, "She is so needy, clingy and crazy because she wants to, like, talk. Talking after casual sex is a red flag. I had a fling like that and next thing I knew she wanted to go on a date! What a whackjob. Protect yourself! Run!"
Could it be that you might actually be in a relationship with a person who isn't sensitive to your needs or one where you might actually have reason to be anxious? Or are you dating the wrong kinds of guys that you don't feel safe with?
posted by anniecat at 11:45 AM on April 2, 2011 [7 favorites]
Could it be that you might actually be in a relationship with a person who isn't sensitive to your needs or one where you might actually have reason to be anxious? Or are you dating the wrong kinds of guys that you don't feel safe with?
posted by anniecat at 11:45 AM on April 2, 2011 [7 favorites]
A small voice of dissent on the medical marijuana approach: speaking from personal experience, I find weed can be helpful for this sort of thing in very very VERY low doses, far less than you'd ordinarily use to get recreationally stoned. Used in this way, I find it often helps me with the obsessive thinking and allows me to let go of things or see them from a different angle. Clearly, YMMV.
SSRIs can indeed also be effective, although it's possible you'll have to go through trying a few of them before you find one that addresses your exact symptoms and produces side effects you can tolerate.
posted by treblemaker at 12:19 PM on April 2, 2011
SSRIs can indeed also be effective, although it's possible you'll have to go through trying a few of them before you find one that addresses your exact symptoms and produces side effects you can tolerate.
posted by treblemaker at 12:19 PM on April 2, 2011
Hi OP. I have BPD. A real diagnosis on paper. I'm open about it on Mefi. I know how people can shy away from and attribute all kinds of craziness towards people with BPD. It's stigma. Truth is, every psychiatric diagnosis exists on a spectrum. Some people have it worse than others.
I was diagnosed in 2002. I no longer meet the diagnostic criteria. There IS hope, whether it's what you actually have or don't. Ask your therapist if that's your diagnosis. I don't believe that knowing a diagnosis of BPD is harmful. I'm glad to know what it's called because it means I'm not alone.
I'm getting better with my behavior and attitudes. I have friends now - real friends. I don't panic constantly, thinking they're going to abandon me. You may or may not have any of those symptoms. But it can get better.
Therapy helped me. Effexor was the only drug that worked for me out of the ones I tried (Elavil, Paxil, Zoloft, Pristiq.) Buspar helps the day-to-day anxiety and Klonopin for panic attacks. Just because these meds helped me does not mean they'll help you... everyone reacts to meds differently. Keep trying.
May I suggest that Vicodin is not what you need? Avoid narcotics... what if you build up a tolerance and then, say, break your leg, and you don't get any pain relief? Try a benzodiazepine (like Klonopin). While they can be addictive, it's what they're made for and you're not just relying on a side effect of narcotics.
posted by IndigoRain at 1:02 PM on April 2, 2011 [3 favorites]
I was diagnosed in 2002. I no longer meet the diagnostic criteria. There IS hope, whether it's what you actually have or don't. Ask your therapist if that's your diagnosis. I don't believe that knowing a diagnosis of BPD is harmful. I'm glad to know what it's called because it means I'm not alone.
I'm getting better with my behavior and attitudes. I have friends now - real friends. I don't panic constantly, thinking they're going to abandon me. You may or may not have any of those symptoms. But it can get better.
Therapy helped me. Effexor was the only drug that worked for me out of the ones I tried (Elavil, Paxil, Zoloft, Pristiq.) Buspar helps the day-to-day anxiety and Klonopin for panic attacks. Just because these meds helped me does not mean they'll help you... everyone reacts to meds differently. Keep trying.
May I suggest that Vicodin is not what you need? Avoid narcotics... what if you build up a tolerance and then, say, break your leg, and you don't get any pain relief? Try a benzodiazepine (like Klonopin). While they can be addictive, it's what they're made for and you're not just relying on a side effect of narcotics.
posted by IndigoRain at 1:02 PM on April 2, 2011 [3 favorites]
I think you are describing two things, and they are feeding off of each other. First, GET OFF THE VICODIN. Not yelling, just emphacizing. This really, really isn't the drug to be using for this. It is likely causing some of your symptoms. It is a powerful narcotic that really fucks with your mental and hormonal processes. And the tylenol component of it can really mess up your liver.
If you are talking about usage once a month or something, just stop.
If you are talking about daily or weekly use, you may want to talk to your therapist about how to get off of it.
You will be able to get better! It might seem hard to go into a psychiatrist's office and unload all your "stuff" on them. But it turns out, that is way easier to do once you decide to do it than NOT doing it and maintaining the status quo. It might be hard and frustrating work to re-think parts of your life and thought processes, but it is working toward being a happier person.
posted by gjc at 2:05 PM on April 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
If you are talking about usage once a month or something, just stop.
If you are talking about daily or weekly use, you may want to talk to your therapist about how to get off of it.
You will be able to get better! It might seem hard to go into a psychiatrist's office and unload all your "stuff" on them. But it turns out, that is way easier to do once you decide to do it than NOT doing it and maintaining the status quo. It might be hard and frustrating work to re-think parts of your life and thought processes, but it is working toward being a happier person.
posted by gjc at 2:05 PM on April 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
Seconding "stop the vicodin 'cause the tylenol will mess with your liver."
Therapy can make one feel worse at first, because you have to bring your issues to the surface before you can deal with them. It's worth the effort, though.
posted by luckynerd at 2:18 PM on April 2, 2011
Therapy can make one feel worse at first, because you have to bring your issues to the surface before you can deal with them. It's worth the effort, though.
posted by luckynerd at 2:18 PM on April 2, 2011
I feel like there are two different version of BPD. My mom is BPD, and she would NEVER seek help for the symptoms you describe or even admit to them. And those are the least of her problems. On occasion, I've come across someone who has received a BPD diagnosis and talks about it openly. When this happens I think - no, that's not what that is, although they may be somewhere on a related spectrum - and then I want to smack whatever "professional" gave this person struggling to become a better human being that particular label to worry and obsess about. YMMV. I'm sure folks would disagree with my experience regarding this issue, so this is just my two cents.
From your follow-up it looks like you've self-diagnosed. OK. I can see how that happened. Anyway...
You should get a full medical work-up. Be honest about your medication usage with your doctors. Are you taking birth control hormones? How is your thyroid?
If you honestly believe you have put the work in therapy-wise and you've had poor results, please start looking outside the box for answers.
I hope you find your way soon. Best.
posted by jbenben at 2:20 PM on April 2, 2011
From your follow-up it looks like you've self-diagnosed. OK. I can see how that happened. Anyway...
You should get a full medical work-up. Be honest about your medication usage with your doctors. Are you taking birth control hormones? How is your thyroid?
If you honestly believe you have put the work in therapy-wise and you've had poor results, please start looking outside the box for answers.
I hope you find your way soon. Best.
posted by jbenben at 2:20 PM on April 2, 2011
I've exhibited some of your symptoms during periods of time when I haven't taken my anti-depressants and/or anti-anxiety medications. I count those among some of the worst months/years of my life, and I don't ever want to feel like that again. But thanks to modern medicine and its experts, I don't have to. Two things:
1. Please see a psychiatrist. He/she will help you figure out what the problem is and what to do about it. If you get a prescription from him/her and it doesn't work after a few weeks, DON'T GIVE UP. Go back and tell him/her you want to try a different one. Something will work, I promise.
2. It's not productive to call yourself crazy. You have an illness, but it's TREATABLE, and you're going to be okay. Crazy is not a medical term, and it doesn't accurately describe you. Or anyone, really. You're also not a motherfucker.
It'll take some time, but get some help and you'll feel better. Good luck!
posted by bluishorange at 3:11 PM on April 2, 2011
1. Please see a psychiatrist. He/she will help you figure out what the problem is and what to do about it. If you get a prescription from him/her and it doesn't work after a few weeks, DON'T GIVE UP. Go back and tell him/her you want to try a different one. Something will work, I promise.
2. It's not productive to call yourself crazy. You have an illness, but it's TREATABLE, and you're going to be okay. Crazy is not a medical term, and it doesn't accurately describe you. Or anyone, really. You're also not a motherfucker.
It'll take some time, but get some help and you'll feel better. Good luck!
posted by bluishorange at 3:11 PM on April 2, 2011
There's no way for us to know if you have BPD, but I've had times when I've felt just as bad, in very similar ways (minus the drug use) and what I had was untreated ADHD and ASD.
We don't know what you have, but you need a diagnosis that properly explains your problems. I'm not saying discount your suspicion that you have BPD, but it could be all sorts of things, you know? You need a proper doctor.
posted by tel3path at 3:16 PM on April 2, 2011
We don't know what you have, but you need a diagnosis that properly explains your problems. I'm not saying discount your suspicion that you have BPD, but it could be all sorts of things, you know? You need a proper doctor.
posted by tel3path at 3:16 PM on April 2, 2011
No matter what else, plz don't label yourself as crazy; you've plenty else going on without having to drive yourself into the dirt with yet another punishing word. And if anyone else is labeling you crazy, ask them to stop, even if they're a friend, and joking around -- it's just not helpful. They can say *they* are wacky, that *they've* looped the loop, as that'll help you feel safe around them, and willing to open yourself to comfort in their presence.
So anyways, the one thing that jumped out at me is that this seems to be happening only in the past two years and seems to go off around relationship issues. We're all in here jumping up and down, therapy this / medication that, blah blah blah -- is it possible you're with the wrong person? Worse, is it possible you're with a gamey person who enjoys running you 'round this way? I've absolutely been with the wrong person, and have gone 'round the bend in trying to make something work that cannot. I've not been with a gamey person, not in relationship anyways, though I've seen how they operate -- wow. I HAVE worked with these people, and if that's what's happening here, well, the only way to make that music stop is to get off the carousel, get onto a different ride.
I've been through what you're going through, yep yep yep I surely have, it's absolute double-dog hell, no way round that. It sounds like you're lost in it right now, I'm truly sorry you're going through it to this extent at this time. There is hope, you can get through this, and, more, you can experience peace, and not just get through -- sounds like getting through is what you've been doing. Peace is better, for sure. We don't know how you'll get there, but you can get there.
Don't hesitate to contact me, email in my contact page, there is no judgment here, I've been through it, always open to help another through what I've walked.
Good luck.
posted by dancestoblue at 3:36 PM on April 2, 2011 [2 favorites]
So anyways, the one thing that jumped out at me is that this seems to be happening only in the past two years and seems to go off around relationship issues. We're all in here jumping up and down, therapy this / medication that, blah blah blah -- is it possible you're with the wrong person? Worse, is it possible you're with a gamey person who enjoys running you 'round this way? I've absolutely been with the wrong person, and have gone 'round the bend in trying to make something work that cannot. I've not been with a gamey person, not in relationship anyways, though I've seen how they operate -- wow. I HAVE worked with these people, and if that's what's happening here, well, the only way to make that music stop is to get off the carousel, get onto a different ride.
I've been through what you're going through, yep yep yep I surely have, it's absolute double-dog hell, no way round that. It sounds like you're lost in it right now, I'm truly sorry you're going through it to this extent at this time. There is hope, you can get through this, and, more, you can experience peace, and not just get through -- sounds like getting through is what you've been doing. Peace is better, for sure. We don't know how you'll get there, but you can get there.
Don't hesitate to contact me, email in my contact page, there is no judgment here, I've been through it, always open to help another through what I've walked.
Good luck.
posted by dancestoblue at 3:36 PM on April 2, 2011 [2 favorites]
I teach at a Special Ed school and many of my students have severe anxiety and OCD. I've found some of the strategies on not giving into obsessive thoughts in Changing your Mind helpful for both myself and my teaching. It's worth a look! Good luck!
posted by heffalump at 3:37 PM on April 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by heffalump at 3:37 PM on April 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
Lately to deal with a situation that has been driving me crazy, I've been extracting mself from looney non-stop toxic sludge evil fork in the eye or possibly someone else's eye thoughts by noting "Obsessive negative thought." That's it. Just labeling it has really helped a lot, because I was just stewing for a while and it's helping to just go 'huh, there's another one!'
I had to get really fed up before I could make this work for me. You might be fed up enough for it to be useful.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 4:14 PM on April 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
I had to get really fed up before I could make this work for me. You might be fed up enough for it to be useful.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 4:14 PM on April 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
When you say stuff is happening to you because of anxiety, and nothing you say has to do with you are in current treatment with a prescribing doctor FOR ANXIETY, well, my personal take in this situation would be that the very very very very first thing you should do is find yourself a psychiatrist, not a psychologist unless you live where PhDs can prescribe, and tell them that you have an anxiety problem. If you really can't get to a psychiatrist, a GP will work, but a psychiatrist would be better.
Do not, do not, do not keep self-medicating with Vicodin, it's addictive and the withdrawal can make things way worse. It is, however, something which a lot of people I know who have medically-treated anxiety problems did before getting treatment. This at least should signal that there's a very good chance something can be done for you that doesn't just involve your taking controlled substances on your own.
Trying to deal with brain chemistry problems in therapy just doesn't work. Period. However, therapy can do wonderful things in one's life after one starts working on the brain chemistry problems with medication. If you can get back into therapy later once you've got more funds to do so, you'll still want to consider it. Even on meds, you'll still have some tendency to think in an anxious way, but once you start getting close to a proper medication routine, you'll notice that you can actually control it and make changes to your life that you can't now. SSRIs are one possibility, but there's lots of other stuff out there that works on anxiety in some fashion or another, and your doctor will be able to guide you through trying things and seeing what works.
(I don't know you and I'm not a trained professional so I can't say whether you have BPD, but worrying about having BPD is something that a number of anxious people I know have done at various points, so.)
posted by gracedissolved at 4:28 PM on April 2, 2011
Do not, do not, do not keep self-medicating with Vicodin, it's addictive and the withdrawal can make things way worse. It is, however, something which a lot of people I know who have medically-treated anxiety problems did before getting treatment. This at least should signal that there's a very good chance something can be done for you that doesn't just involve your taking controlled substances on your own.
Trying to deal with brain chemistry problems in therapy just doesn't work. Period. However, therapy can do wonderful things in one's life after one starts working on the brain chemistry problems with medication. If you can get back into therapy later once you've got more funds to do so, you'll still want to consider it. Even on meds, you'll still have some tendency to think in an anxious way, but once you start getting close to a proper medication routine, you'll notice that you can actually control it and make changes to your life that you can't now. SSRIs are one possibility, but there's lots of other stuff out there that works on anxiety in some fashion or another, and your doctor will be able to guide you through trying things and seeing what works.
(I don't know you and I'm not a trained professional so I can't say whether you have BPD, but worrying about having BPD is something that a number of anxious people I know have done at various points, so.)
posted by gracedissolved at 4:28 PM on April 2, 2011
Back in one of my worst phases, I described the inside of my head as a constant whirlwind of knives. Thoughts and feelings just went around, and every time they did, they cut and hurt. I used to absolutely blow my top over trivial things, because I was just so wound up all the time.
That was pretty much straight up anxiety. I had PTSD, but the manifestation was anxiety. Before we found the right drugs, therapy was useless - because I had to calm down enough to be able to think about things and I couldn't calm down because I couldn't be calm even not trying to think about things. I needed drugs to interrupt that feedback loop so I could be constructive about the issues at hand. To take the edge off the knives. Also? Certain forms of hormonal contraceptives made me much worse.
A few years later, and I'm mentally healthy for the first time in my life. I'm off the drugs. I'm still volatile emotionally, but not unhealthily so. As my husband puts it, I just tend to do things thoroughly, including feeling. But I've stopped overreacting (hysterical sobbing over literal spilt milk used to happen, I kid you not), and mostly calmed down. I'm a lot happier - well, when I'm not going through stuff that would make anyone stressed.
Basically, my advice to you is: get a full phyiscal checkup. Endocrine, iron/b/d/etc, tests. Consider changing your contraceptive method. Eat well. Exercise. Get off booze, caffiene, and sugar. Get off the vicodin. Get a referral to a psychiatrist, get a diagnosis, and seriously consider medication.
posted by ysabet at 4:45 PM on April 2, 2011 [2 favorites]
That was pretty much straight up anxiety. I had PTSD, but the manifestation was anxiety. Before we found the right drugs, therapy was useless - because I had to calm down enough to be able to think about things and I couldn't calm down because I couldn't be calm even not trying to think about things. I needed drugs to interrupt that feedback loop so I could be constructive about the issues at hand. To take the edge off the knives. Also? Certain forms of hormonal contraceptives made me much worse.
A few years later, and I'm mentally healthy for the first time in my life. I'm off the drugs. I'm still volatile emotionally, but not unhealthily so. As my husband puts it, I just tend to do things thoroughly, including feeling. But I've stopped overreacting (hysterical sobbing over literal spilt milk used to happen, I kid you not), and mostly calmed down. I'm a lot happier - well, when I'm not going through stuff that would make anyone stressed.
Basically, my advice to you is: get a full phyiscal checkup. Endocrine, iron/b/d/etc, tests. Consider changing your contraceptive method. Eat well. Exercise. Get off booze, caffiene, and sugar. Get off the vicodin. Get a referral to a psychiatrist, get a diagnosis, and seriously consider medication.
posted by ysabet at 4:45 PM on April 2, 2011 [2 favorites]
Yes, SSRI's will probably be very useful. I'm a former heroin addict who found opioids—like Vicodin—really great at shutting off those obsessive, self hating voices. SSRI's now do the same thing, with the benefit of being legal and nonaddictive. See the best possible psychiatrist you can—often, that will be someone at a local university, which may have the benefit of having a sliding scale, also.
posted by Maias at 4:45 PM on April 2, 2011
posted by Maias at 4:45 PM on April 2, 2011
(Also, I don't rock SSRIs-- my meds are tailored towards glutamine and GABA instead of serotonin and norepinephrine. That's just to reassure you that there are a lot of approaches. The right psychiatrist, neuropsych, or other bleeding-edge pro will find you the right set of custom brain chemistry.
I was on Paxil, Buspar, Depakote, Serzone, Ativan, Risperdal, Zoloft, and Wellbutrin at various times in my 20s for general anxiety/ poor functioning/ depression/ obsessive weirdity, but what put paid to a lot of it ended up being Neurontin and Namenda. It is complicated but doable; it requires very smart, compassionate practitioners who also do research.)
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 9:27 AM on April 3, 2011
I was on Paxil, Buspar, Depakote, Serzone, Ativan, Risperdal, Zoloft, and Wellbutrin at various times in my 20s for general anxiety/ poor functioning/ depression/ obsessive weirdity, but what put paid to a lot of it ended up being Neurontin and Namenda. It is complicated but doable; it requires very smart, compassionate practitioners who also do research.)
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 9:27 AM on April 3, 2011
I'm made some progress in this area -- I *was* you ten years ago . . .
SSRIs do help, a lot, in letting me feel able to pursue my own interests that then allow me to get distracted from the obsessive thoughts.
Anti-anxiety meds (benzos, low low dose) have also helped when I'm freaking out.
A good therapist is a god-send.
But on a final note -- if the other half in your relationship is in any way sneaky or passive-aggressive, hiding things and playing right into your insecurities, like, A LOT? If you wonder if maybe you have to spend too much time talking yourself out of obsessive worrying; if maybe you could get past things if they'd STOP HAPPENING AGAIN and AGAIN? Be aware that they're probably not going change, and you should leave now.
posted by MeiraV at 1:51 PM on April 3, 2011
SSRIs do help, a lot, in letting me feel able to pursue my own interests that then allow me to get distracted from the obsessive thoughts.
Anti-anxiety meds (benzos, low low dose) have also helped when I'm freaking out.
A good therapist is a god-send.
But on a final note -- if the other half in your relationship is in any way sneaky or passive-aggressive, hiding things and playing right into your insecurities, like, A LOT? If you wonder if maybe you have to spend too much time talking yourself out of obsessive worrying; if maybe you could get past things if they'd STOP HAPPENING AGAIN and AGAIN? Be aware that they're probably not going change, and you should leave now.
posted by MeiraV at 1:51 PM on April 3, 2011
I was a crazy obsessive thinker. I worried 24/7, even in my sleep. It was definitely physically taking a toll on me. I've been treated for anxiety, depression, bi-polar disorder... things never got any better.
And then I started to read up on ADD and ADHD. And it all started to sound really familiar.
And so I went to a psychiatrist, got a prescription for Ritalin, and now my obsessiveness and anxious behavior are LIGHT YEARS better. It's like night and day. I feel like a different person.
Keep in mind I'm not necessarily saying you have ADD or ADHD. But I do know true borderline diagnoses are pretty rare.
Point of the story being go see a psychiatrist. Self-diagnosis can often be wrong, and sometimes flat out dangerous. There's a reason people are trained professionally to do this.
posted by dithmer at 10:04 PM on April 4, 2011
And then I started to read up on ADD and ADHD. And it all started to sound really familiar.
And so I went to a psychiatrist, got a prescription for Ritalin, and now my obsessiveness and anxious behavior are LIGHT YEARS better. It's like night and day. I feel like a different person.
Keep in mind I'm not necessarily saying you have ADD or ADHD. But I do know true borderline diagnoses are pretty rare.
Point of the story being go see a psychiatrist. Self-diagnosis can often be wrong, and sometimes flat out dangerous. There's a reason people are trained professionally to do this.
posted by dithmer at 10:04 PM on April 4, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by rtha at 10:24 AM on April 2, 2011 [5 favorites]